All language subtitles for inside.amy.schumer.3e05.dvdrip.x264-ingot

Damn!

- Check out that dumper!
- Hey, girl!

Fart that ass in my face!

What's wrong with my ass?

Pretty face? So what?

Big boobs? Big deal!

Hi, I'm Martin Daniels.

Recent clinical studies
have shown that these days,

the ass is where it's at.

Black and Latino men have
enjoyed a shapely bottom for years,

but now, even normal guys are into it.

Introducing Swanks Push 'Em Downs,

named very much without her permission

after Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.

Get your badonkadonk
out of its badonka-funk!

Using some classified NASA technology,

but mostly bungee cords,

Swanks push your glutes up
and your breasts down

and around into your ass,

causing minor internal bleeding
and major external hotness,

a condition known in the medical community

as "Worth it."

Hi, I'm Amy Schumer,

and for years,
I've enjoyed excellent breasts,

and the male respect that they brought me.

But times and what white guys like
have changed

and it's my responsibility as a role model

to change with them.

Wearing Swanks means that
I can be taken seriously

and keep my TV show.

I'm really enjoying my new bladow!

And my washboard chest.

Hey, I'd like to smush that tush.

Whoa! Check out that butt.

Damn, I want some of that ass.

Guys, it's me, Mom.

Thanks, Swanks.

Swanks!

Ripped By mstoll

You know what, I didn't see, um,

the Miss America Pageant this year.

One of them, they asked her
a really hard question,

she had a really good answer,

but they asked her, like,
how would you solve ISIS?

Like, what, did you see it?

Like, why are you asking her that?

She had a good answer,
but why ask her that?

Like, in the middle of her answer,

they're just gonna, like,
chopper her to the Pentagon

and be like, "We like what
we heard back there.

"We want to hear more."

Like, get outta here.

Look at you, poof. This is precious.

Little ladies, come this way.

All right, big smiles.

Big, big, big smiles.

So much a smile, it hurts.

I always wanted to do this,

all six years since I've
been on this planet.

Seven, eight, now pose.

My name's Amy Merryweather Sherman

and I was put on this green earth
to win pageants

and spread the word on the Almighty.

All right, guys, one more time.

Hit, hit, step, hip, hip.

And when you do those hips,
I want you to dip.

Really low.

And then pump, pump.

I thought you guys have done this before.

Let's see it.

Come on, let me see your best bet.

Pump, pump!

This is not a tap dance.

If you don't pay attention,
I don't know how I'm gonna help you.

I have more potential in this dance.

Try it one more time.

Can I suggest a pivot here?

Hit it, hit it, hit it, hit it,
pivot, pivot, pivot.

She's so much better than the others.

My daughter, I'm sure you've noticed,

is much more beautiful

and, uh, has more heft
than the other girls,

but, uh, she's struggling with
Benjamin Button's disease.

That's not what it's called.

I enjoyed the movie Benjamin Button,

but it's actually the opposite of that.

She has fetal Red Bull syndrome.

These shoes are too small now.

This morning, they were huge.

She's 6 years old.

But she's aging at five
times the normal rate.

You gotta understand that you have to act

like a pretty princess.

- I am!
- This is about you.

- No.
- I am!

- No, ma'am. No, ma'am.
- I am!

- No, ma'am.
- I am!

We really don't know
how long she has.

- I am!
- No, ma'am.

But we really don't care.

How do we hold our body for the audience?

Tall and thin.

Right. And how do we position ourselves?

To win.

Do I hear crunching?

- No.
- I told you not to eat.

I don't... I'm not...

I'm not looking to eat, Mama.

You're not allowed to eat!

You'll bloat.

- No, I won't.
- Stop it!

Put it down!

I just want the prize!

You want a prize?

Then win one today!

I love Mommy, 'cause she's my best friend.

She's my support systems.

She always yells at me for eating her food.

Sorry I'm a human being, Mama.

She eats food!

I need a new seat, Mama.

You need new teeth and a new personality.

Every stage mother I
met is absolutely crazy.

And it's weird to be the only
grounded one in the bunch.

Do you need to defecate, honey?

A little...

Mom, can I just get,
next to the car real quick?

Don't move, Mama.

You know, if God didn't
want this for my daughter,

then why the hell did he make
her so friggin' attractive?

There's major differences
between me and these other girls.

I'm smarter, prettier, and a winner,

even though that little Asian girl,

she said I was cheating
for even being here.

My mama told me that
Asian people are bad luck.

And to pay no mind,

but when they're in front of you,
you hold your breath.

You guys want some of this here burrito?

No.

- Burrito?
- No.

Excuse me, don't breathe.

Save yourself, twins.

Okay, y'all.

Let us give a warm round of applause

for the Texas Sparklettes.

Give 'em what they want!

Oh.

Well, that was a setback.

I'm real upset my titty ball popped out.

But I'm not gonna let that
or anything stop me

from sharing my talent
with these future believers.

Oh, these are chewable Vics.

Now I gotta go down a bunch of wine.

You wanna go take some of these
and drink some wine with me?

Oh, come on.

I gotta show you something.

And you won't regret it.

Thank you, Miss Jada.

Next up, we have
Miss Amy Merryweather Sherman.

Her talent is preaching.

Woo-hoo!

Blow our doors off, baby!

Hello, brothers, sisters,

and the Asian.

I was gonna read from Deuteronomy today,

but instead, I think I'll speak
from my rapidly aging heart

and from my Benjamin Button disease,

which I have, but it does not have me.

And I apologize for my
titty ball popping out,

but I do not have a male
authority figure in my life.

Though I have never met
my biological father, y'all.

I have Skyped with him,

but I have met the
heavenly Father in person!

And he's here today!

He's in all of you and he's in me!

Oh, my God.

Cover your eyes.

Uh-oh.

Ugh, it's like The Shining.

Don't they have to be seven?

Well, it was better than the kid
with the melted hula hoop.

Ew!

Amy was disqualified because
she had her cycle during her preach,

but we're not gonna let it slow us down.

Amy?

Daddy?

Is that you?

Oh, Daddy, you're here.

Hi, Daddy.

I knew you'd come eventually.

Did you win, sweet pea?

No, Daddy.

I matured all over the stage.

Aw, you'll get 'em next time,
little princess.

Thank you, Daddy.

Hello, Harrison.

Hello, Cleopatricia.

I'm just Cleo now.

I'll leave you two be.

I've missed you, Harrison.

I...

How old is too young to be in a pageant?

Like, what's the age you think?

I think those kids should be in school.

Have you ever seen a 5-year-old

and you were like, "Damn"?

I'm gonna be like,

"I hope she can read
and write and count to 10."

- That's better.
- Yeah.

Just once in a while,

a 6-year-old where you're like, "Oh, shit!"

Mmm! Like that, or no?

- No.
- No.

Bye, Addison.

Have fun, play nice.

Okay, I left grass fed bison
with the woman at the front.

That's all she can eat.

First day dropping 'em off at day care?

Yeah.

I got him when he was 10 minutes old.

I'm still breastfeeding him.

Oh, I could never adopt a puppy.

Absolutely not.

Puppies get adopted so quickly.

My Duke, he was 14 when I rescued him.

His owners had just
dropped him off at the shelter

to die and I was like, "Nuh-uh, old man."

You're coming with me.

Wow.

Mrs. Belvedere is a rescue
from Hurricane Katrina.

She was up on a roof with this little boy

whose parents had drowned,
and I just thought,

that little orphan boy
can't take care of a dog.

So I choppered in

and rescued her right off that roof.

What happened to the boy?

What boy?

Duke lost his legs when
a cop shot him in St. Louis.

Oh, see,

my dog has severe body image issues.

You should see how she sees herself.

Well, Addison has advanced stage FOMO.

Fear of missing out.

I had to completely take
him off social media.

It's too stressful.

Have you thought about medication?

'Cause my rescue is on Prozac for anxiety.

Yeah, and Duke is on Xanax
for separation issues.

Addie's on Valtrex,

'cause we share a prescription,

but that is it for medication,

because family history of addiction.

Well, I didn't get my guy vaccinated,

because Jenny McCarthy said it
can cause "Paw-tism".

I followed her advice, too.

I got my dog a cat,

because pets make you live longer.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

She knows it all.

There's nothing she doesn't know.

Bye, Quinoa.

Oh. Cute purebred.

I know, what mall did you get her from?

The Darfur galleria. It's in the Sudan.

He was a child-dog solider

and was abandoned by the Bedouin militia

when they found out he was gay.

So, I guess I did get him at a mall.

Okay, Daisy, back at day care.

Is, is your dog dead?

Yeah.

They just put her down
at the pound about a month ago,

and I was like, I'll take her.

I was just doing what any hero would do,

but she's my hero.

- Yeah.
- Right on.

My baby has four legs, right?

I'm always like, "Who rescued who?"

Exactly.

My dog's like a person.

What's the most obnoxious
dog name you ever heard?

Probably like Penelope.

- Like, that's a horrible...
- That's my cat's name!

No, that's not a dog name.

Oh, okay, thanks.
Would you die for your dog?

Die? No, she only lives about eight years,

so I wouldn't die for her.

- Yeah.
- Would you die for your cat?

No, she's basically dead.

- She's on her last paw.
- Oh.

- You have a dog?
- Used to.

- It died?
- Yeah.

It was a she, Peppy.

If Peppy were here,

what would you say to Peppy right now?

Aw, I'd just give her a hug and a kiss.

Oh, you know what?
We actually are out of time.

Um...

I've gotten rid of literally
everything except for this.

Like, what is right here?

It's sexy.

It's like another tiny boob.

- Anyway...
- Yeah.

Ab, how are you? It's been forever.

- How's the Famdango?
- The twins are perf

and I have the most wonderful,
sexy husband, hashtag love him.

He's hot.

But I would never say this
to anyone but you guys.

Sometimes, they're just so exhausting

that I fantasize about
running away and just, like,

opening a little bakery in Maine.

Is that terrible?

No, don't feel like that.

Look, can I stand in my truth?

Safe space.

Well, you know,
I have the most amazing life.

My Pinterest page is almost done.

- Almost.
- Hey, you're gonna help me with that.

I will, as soon as you...

- Get some interests.
- Yes.

I'm gonna get some interests, you watch.

And even though it's been 10 years,

I just fall, like, a little more in love

with Jeff every day,
just like a little more.

But you know what?

When Jeff is, like, violently refusing
to go down on me, you know?

I kinda fantasize about just, like,

Snapchatting a picture
of my tits to the UPS guy

and just opening a bakery in Maine.

- You guys, I love my little Blendel and Dafoe.
- Yeah.

But sometimes, when
Dora the Explorer is on again

and they're laughing at literally nothing,

I think about tracking down

Dora creator Valerie Walsh Valdes,

Clockwork Orange-ing her eyes open

and making her watch video
of my kids singing

that lazy atonal theme song
until she cries blood,

and then whipping up some homemade jam

for my little bakery in Maine.

Jam is my jam.

See that? Women are funny.

- Women are funny.
- Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

You guys, I'm so blissfully happy.

I gave up my career to
home college Tim's adult son.

It is so rewarding.

But sometimes,
when I'm sharpening his crayons,

I have this fantasy
about giving a homeless guy

one of those giant jackpot checks

and then masturbating furiously in my RAV4

as the bank teller explains that it's fake,

then zipping up I-95

and opening up the cutest bakery in Maine.

Oh! I love that.

I feel like my life is
literally curated by angels.

I've said that to you, right?

- A lot.
- I've heard that.

I love my life. Love it.

Love it. Love it.

But sometimes, I feel like
those angels are telling me

to just, like, Gone Girl Jeff, you know?

And then, just, like, lobby congress

to get the age of consent lowered to 15

so I can marry my son's best friend

and just open the most precious
whites only bakery in Portland.

Oregon?

Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm!

Maine.

Oh! Oh, my God.

- I was really scared for a second.
- Oh, yeah.

You need to eat something.

Okay.

So Nikki, how are you?

Well, you know, I realize
I've been lying to myself

about a lot of things lately,
and that I just wasn't happy.

So I got a divorce, I left my job,

and you guys aren't gonna believe this,

but I actually opened a bakery in Maine.

Hmm.

I know! Scones, mmm.

If you were gonna leave your job,

start over in a new place,
what would your fantasy job be?

- Uh, voiceover.
- Voiceover?

Yeah, I get compliments
all the time about my voice,

so everybody's like, "You should
be in kids' things, or..."

Oh, they're just trying to fuck you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would probably be a dancer.

How do you know if you're a good dancer?

People tell you.

What if they just, like,

always tell you you're not a good dancer,

but maybe it's so that
they make you stronger.

I don't think, no.

What if they're just
trying to discourage you

every time you've ever danced

because they want you to get great at it.

No, I don't think people do that.

You're just probably bad at it.

- Just bad at dancing.
- Yeah, just bad.

Sharleen, you were on The Bachelor.

I was.

- Let's talk about it.
- Ugh, okay.

Why did you go on that show?

- What was I thinking?
- Yeah.

I was sort of in a rocky patch
with my then-boyfriend.

And I knew they were
having a casting event.

And I knew that because I watched the show.

- Yeah.
- And suddenly they were offering it to me.

And I suddenly was like,
"Can I really not do this?"

Did you know who was gonna be
at the end of the rainbow?

Yeah, I knew it was Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo.

It's okay.

Um, it seemed like
you almost couldn't fathom

why you would want to have sex with him.

Honestly, it sounds crazy,

but I liked his personality
as I got to know him.

- That does sound crazy.
- I know it sounds crazy.

- That does sound crazy.
- But, yeah, he was nice to me.

When did you realize that he was...

Hmm, how do I say this nice?

Really stupid

and dumb and a dummy?

I think Juan Pablo is ESL.

You don't think he's stupid.

You think it's that English
just isn't his first language.

Like, he didn't get sarcasm that well,

but that doesn't necessarily
mean he's not smart,

it just means that, you know,

he gets other sorts ofjokes, I guess.

Okay, he's stupid and you're lying,

and so I've been there.

Like, the guys that I slept
with in college, like, rocks.

Rocks.

Yeah, like, I have slept
with people who I would think

might not be as intelligent as I am,

but that sounds so horrible
that I'm sure that they have...

No, it doesn't. Are you serious?

I slept with a guy one
time after he said this.

He said, "Who would you
want to have lunch with,

"if you could have lunch with anyone?"

And I said, "Mark Twain."

And he said, "No, they have to be real."

And then I had sex with him.

Then I had sex with him, okay?

- So...
- I'm sure that he was really hot.

- Yeah, gorgeous.
- Yeah.

I do think that...

English was his first language,
his very first language.

What did Juan Pablo smell like?

- Man.
- Like a man.

When you're living in
a house full of women,

that, that's notable.

Yeah, but you're just
so happy to, like, not be...

To be, like, in the presence of a dude.

I mean, we're talking
a long time with just women.

Do people sneak into his room
and, like, blow him?

I think it can be done.

I'm so lazy.

I'd sneak into his room
and sit on his face.

I'd be like...

Shh!

To be honest, I'm surprised
not more people do that.

I feel like that could definitely
give you an advantage.

They say a way to a man's heart
is through his penis.

- Is that what they say?
- Maybe it's stomach.

- Is that how the saying goes?
- I know it's in this region.

Um, this is a hypothetical.

- You're in Tampa.
- Uh-huh.

And your flight out of there gets canceled,

you're there for the night.

You're in a Legal Seafoods having a beer.

Who walks in?

J.P., Juan Pablo.

Do you guys have sex that night?

How desperate am I?

Haven't had sex in a year.

If it felt right.

- Yeah!
- That's a good answer, isn't it?

Me too.

Do you have any questions for me?

Which bachelor would you
go on The Bachelor for?

I can't think of one, I swear.

- They're all, like, nice.
- Shame on you.

And they, like, are religious and...

That's true.
I've got to say, that's a big...

They have, like, families
they want you to interact with.

That is just, my vagina goes...

She gets in all kinds of mischief.

I mean, one time I came home and, uh,

she was in the python terrarium

and who knows what could happen
with that kind of thing.

Shit, I'm sorry, I can't.

And she gets into the snake terrarium.

Shit.

You know, I was thinking
maybe one day we could do

a dance number with some water moccasins.