Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ [theme]

[phone ringing]

Hello.

[Woman] Hello?

I'd like to make a reservation.

Is this Transoceanic Airlines?

No, lady. This is the Pony Express.

Who was that on the phone?

- Well, who was it? - Wrong number.

You know, you're a strange horse.

You'll talk on the phone, you'll talk to me,

but you won't talk in front of other people.

- Why? - How should I know?

I'm a horse, not a psychiatrist.

Millions of horses in the world, and I have to get the one who talks.

Why do I always seem to hear voices when I come in here?

Wilbur, I wanna ask you a favor.

- Sure. What is it? - Would you allow me to take your horse

over to State University for the weekend?

I doubt if they'd accept him. He never got out of high school.

No, really. I'm serious. You see, I attended an alumni meeting

last night of Sigma Nu Delta.

That's my old fraternity at State U.

Well, it seems that State's rival college has stolen our mascot--

a horse just like yours-- and I promised the boys

I would deliver Mister Ed for the big game next Saturday against Brighton U.

Well, since you promised-- You can't have him.

Well, thank you-- I beg your pardon?

Maybe you better get another horse.

Ed is very uncomfortable away from home.

But the university is only a ten-minute drive from here,

and the boys will bring him back right after the game.

Well, as long as they'll bring him back-- You can't have him.

[stammering] I'm in a bad spot.

I promised the boys the horse. You're putting me in a very difficult position.

Well, if that's the case, you're in trouble.

I'm sorry, Roger.

Well, that's quite all right. Thank you, neighbor.

[phone ringing]

Yes?

Uh, is Mr. Addison there?

Nope. Who is this?

Uh, Willie McIntyre. Is this the man who's gonna lend us the horse?

Get yourself a mule.

Yes, I understand how important it is for you to borrow Mister Ed.

You know, Carol, I've done a few favors for Wilbur,

like getting him the contract to build Mr. Gordon's ranch house.

- I know. - And the lawnmower I lend him every Sunday.

Of course, I'm not the kind who would remind Wilbur of these things.

But I wish you would.

Well, I'll talk to him, Roger.

Sometimes I can get him to do things,

especially if he thinks it's his idea.

- There he is. I'll call you. - Mmm.

- Who was that, honey? - That Roger Addison.

I wish he'd stop pestering us about lending him Mister Ed.

He just doesn't give up, huh?

He's never done us any favors.

Oh, let's be fair, honey.

Well, name one thing.

He got me the contract for the Gordon ranch house.

- What else? - Those theater tickets.

- What else? - Well, uh...

So he lends you his lawnmower every Sunday.

- Did I say that? - All right.

If it means that much to you, lend Roger the horse.

I thought it would upset you, darling.

Oh, no, no. No, you've convinced me.

Lend Roger the horse.

That's what I love about you. When you're wrong, you admit it.

Roger, listen, it worked.

Oh, bless you, my dear.

I still can't understand why your husband

raised such íba fuss over that old nag.

[sputters]

What was that?

Must be a bad connection.

Well, thanks again, and good-bye, my dear.

[phone hangs up]

- Ed, I've been thinking-- - Not lately.

Ed, listen, maybe you'd have fun being mascot for those kids just for the weekend.

No, thanks.

I'd rather die in bed.

[mutters] You may get your picture in the paper.

With 22 football players on my back? Hmm?

Look at it from my point of view. Mr. Addison is my neighbor.

He's been doing me a lot of favors, and it's about time I did him one.

They tricked you, Wilbur. I heard 'em on the phone.

Never mind what you heard on the phone.

I'm telling Mr. Addison the Sigma Nu Delta

can borrow you for the football game.

Ow.

Hit 'em hard, hit 'em low! All right, State!

- State! - Go, go, go.

Why don't you watch where you're going?

I'm sorry. My name is Wilbur Post.

I lent you fellas my horse for the football game.

Football game! With an S and a T and an A, T, E!

State! State! Yay!

Team.

I know, Phyllis, but won't you even listen to me?

Excuse me. I'm Wilbur Post.

I lent you my horse for the football game.

I'm a little worried about him. It's his first time away from home.

Would you boys know where they're keeping him?

You are fraternity boys, aren't you?

You are boys?

You are alive?

Why should I want it for you, Phyllis?

I tell you, Norm is a living doll.

- She'll go nuts over him. - Pardon me. My name is Wilbur Post.

I'm here about my horse. Would you know where they've hidden him?

I'll call you right back, Phyllis.

Are you a spy from Brighton?

Now, fellas, please, you've got this all wrong.

I'm Wilbur Post, Mr. Addison's friend.

I'm the one who lent you the horse.

- I just wanna see him. - Oh.

Well, we've got him hidden where those Brighton creeps won't find him.

Oh. Would you mind telling me where?

[whispering]

Hiya, Hank. How's our horse?

I think he likes it in that steam room.

We'd better not keep him in there too long.

He's liable to come out a pony.

Willie, you're a genius for dreaming this up.

Those B.U. guys will never think of looking for him in here.

The horse's owner is coming over now to have a look at him.

- It's okay to let him in. - Check.

Uh-oh. Here comes Professor Thornhill.

- What do we do? - Don't panic. I'll handle him.

Ah, McIntyre, Oliver.

How's the steam today? Nice and warm, I hope.

Oh, Professor, it's, uh-- it's pretty hot in there.

Maybe you ought to skip it today.

The heat's liable to crack your glasses.

Oh, I always leave my glasses outside.

[chuckles]

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Oh.

Ah. There.

Now, off we go.

Oh.

Who's that big fellow in there?

- Uh.. - Uh, that's Moose Jackson, sir.

You better not go in there, sir.

He's still sore at you because you flunked him in psychology.

Oh, I had to fail him. In his last examination,

he even spelt his name wrong.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Yeah.

So sorry.

Gentlemen, there is a horse in the steam room.

- A horse, sir? - Yes, a horse.

And don't tell me it's the Moose.

Well, sir, that horse is our new mascot, sir.

We were hiding him from the B.U. guys.

McIntyre, what are you majoring in?

- Physics, sir. - Oliver?

Advanced electronics, sir.

Hmph. And to think

the Free World is waiting for you scientists.

Ed, I've been looking--

Oh. Sorry, sir. I thought you were someone else.

Oh, it's quite all right.

Tell me, young man, do you always wear

all your clothes in the steam room?

Well, I-- I have a cold.

[coughs]

Oh, I see. That probably makes sense.

By the way-- By the way,

have you noticed that we have company?

Nobody here, sir. Just us and the horse.

Just us and the horse.

Tell me, young man, are you majoring in any science?

- No, sir. - Oh. Then there is hope for the world.

[door closes]

Ed, it's good to see you.

- How are you, boy? - Medium rare.

[groans] CheeGor up.

They'll find another hiding place for you.

By tomorrow, they'll have me up on a church steeple.

Oh, come on. Enjoy yourself while you're here.

Have fun with the kids.

Hit 'em hard, hit 'em low! Come on, State! Go, go, go!

My life is at stake, and you're cheering.

I'm sorry about this, Ed. I'll make it up to you later.

Just keep the services dignified and simple.

You're not angry with me, are you?

Well, see you at the game.

- Wilbur? - Yeah?

Close the door fast. These drafts are murder.

[Mister Ed] By tomorrow they'll have me

up on a church steeple.

My life is at stake, and you're cheering.

Just keep the services dignified and simple.

[Carol] Wilbur.

Honey, you ate so little at dinner.

I fixed a little snack for you.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, darling, you're not still worried about Mr. Ed, are you?

No, of course not.

[Roger] Wilbur. Wilbur.

Wilbur, here they are--

four tickets on the 50-yard line.

Oh, Roger, you shouldn't have bought them.

I didn't buy them.

They're a gift from the Sigma Nu Delta boys.

Pretty good, huh?

If I fin,=d him up in a church steeple, it's all your fault.

Church steeple?

What are you talking about?

Hmm? Oh, nothing.

[phone ringing]

I'll get it.

Hello? Yes, he's here.

Who?

One of the boys from the fraternity--

Willie McIntyre.

Let me take that.

- Hello. - I've got some bad news for you...

about your horse.

Bad news? What happened to him?

That bunch from Brighton jumped us and stole him.

What's wrong, dear?

Mr. Ed.

Mr. Ed's been stolen.

Wilbur.

Hello, Edna?

Our boys did it to State U. again.

We've got their first mascot

hidden at a riding academy,

and guess where the second one is?

Right in the basement of our sorority house.

- [door opens] - And th--

Good evening, Sandy.

Uh, h-hello, Mr. Davis.

Linda, how did the boys ever get the horse

out of that steam room?

Weren't there any State boys guarding him?

It was a breeze. I was a decoy.

You mean, they sent you into the steam room?

Don't be ridiculous, Gloria.

One of the boys told the boy guarding the steam room

that a blonde wanted to see him outside.

[Woman] And he left his post?

Honey, when he saw me, he would've left his country.

And what did you do to keep him outside

while our boys were stealing the horse?

Well, we, uh, discussed the international situations.

Girls, girls, hold it down.

Mrs. Davis just came back.

If she finds out the horse

is right down here in the basement, we're in trouble.

Do you think Mrs. Davis suspects anything?

Not so far.

She'd been so busy fixing up the house

for Miss Penticast's lecture.

Hmm, and what a subject for a lecture--

ornithology.

That's for the birds.

[whinnies]

Oh, you poor horse. You must be hungry.

Let's fix him some poached eggs or something.

Great idea. Come on, let's go.

[all chattering]

Poached eggs? Ick.

There it is.

[Female voice] Operator.

Hello, honey,

will you get me State 11781?

You can dial that number, sir.

Uh, I can't see. Just broke my glasses.

Very well, sir. I'll get it for you.

Anything happens to that horse,

I'm going to hold you responsible.

Wilbur, stop worrying. I'm sure they'll find him.

[phone ringing]

Hello. Hello!

Hello, Wilbur? This is Ed.

Where are you?

They're holding me captive in a sorority house.

- Which one? Where? - To whom are you talking?

It's, uh-- It's Max Tralafast. Where are you?

Alpha Epsilon Mu house at Brighton U.

I'll be right over.

Hold on, Pal.

Come on, Roger.

Where are you going, dear?

They're holding Ed in a sorority house.

Max Tralafast just phoned.

Who's Max Tralafast?

I don't know. Probably the house mother.

Wilbur, I suggest I handle this.

I've had experience with sororities in my time.

I don't need any help.

Now, I'm telling you you'll never get in.

Well, what can I do for you?

I'm Mrs. Davis, the house mother.

May I please come in for a moment?

I'm sorry. No men are allowed in this house after 8 o'clock.

You've got my horse in there.

If I were you, I would go home and sleep it off.

Now, may I show you the proper approach?

These women have to be handled with dignity and authority.

How do you do?

My name is Roger Addison, and I--

had the same trouble when I was a student.

I got to get in there.

Nobody can get by that female fullback

except a woman.

Wait a minute, Roger.

I got to get Ed out of there.

And I think I have an idea.

Come on.

Wilbur, I know you love that horse,

but I think this scheme of yours is absolutely ridiculous.

[Wilbur] I just got to get my horse out.

This is my only chance.

It's impossible, unfeasible, unworkable--

And my apologies, madam.

Your mother-in-law's clothes fit me pretty good, hey?

Much better than they fit her.

Roger, forgive my bursting in like this,

but I was so worried about Wilbur.

He seemed so upset--

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had company.

Oh, uh, Mrs. Post, may I present...

Maxine Tralafast, the sorority house mother.

How do you do?

Where's Kay?

At a meeting, as usual.

Well, if you hear from Wilbur, will you let me know?

Oh, of course. Surely.

Nice to have met you Mrs.--

Tralafast.

When Kay gets back, I'll tell her you called.

Oh, thank you, Roger.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

Oh, boy, that was a close call.

I'll see you later, Roger.

Now, I know this is going to work.

Not if you walk like that.

[high-pitched] Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams,

and I'm shopping for a sorority for my daughter.

[clears throat]

Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams.

Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams.

[clears throat]

Hello, I'm Mrs.--

Penticast.

Oh, do come in. We've been expecting you.

Come in, Mrs. Penticast.

- Penticast? - Yes.

Girls?

This is Mrs. Penticast.

Oh, how do you do?

We're all eagerly awaiting your lecture tomorrow morning.

Well, thank you very much.

You know, I think ornithology is a thrilling science.

And I'm sure the girls will just love it.

I will, too.

Lorraine, would you please zip me up.

Why, surely.

[Girl] Excuse me.

I'm so happy that you decided

to let our sorority put you up for the night.

The-the night?

Yes.

Oh, but I didn't bring any--

any at all.

Mrs. Penticast, you can use one of my nighties.

Your nightie?

Oh, uh, well, I never sleep. I stay up all night.

Wonderful, then we can all have a pajama party.

[all] Great idea.

[chattering]

Well, I'll go and get some milk and cookies.

Oh, not on my account.

Oh, no trouble at all.

[laughs]

Ornithology is such a fascinating subject.

It sure is.

Please tell us about the blue-tail finch.

Well, I've never been there. Is the food good?

Oh, what a delightful sense of humor.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

What?

They did?

Oh, that's awful.

Thanks, Tommy.

What's wrong?

That's funny.

The dean knows we've got a horse in out basement.

He's on his way over here right now.

But how could he possibly know?

Somebody must have squealed on him.

Yeah, but who?

Well, we've got to get rid of that horse right away.

Oh, please Miss Penticast, not a word to Mrs. Davis.

You see, if she--

Girls, girls, no need to worry.

You just tell me where the basement is,

and I will get rid of the horse for you.

And no one will ever know.

[Girls] Oh, wonderful.

You see, not only do I love birds,

I also love horses.

Come on, I'll show you the way.

Yes.

Oh, oh, girls, please, please.

Why don't you-you just stay here

and sort of keep watch, hey?

I'll find my own way.

You keep watch.

Hello, Ed. It's me.

Scram, Grandpa.

Look, I've come to take you home.

Let's go.

Keep your powder dry, bloomer girl.

We've got to get out of here.

You don't need to be the mascot.

No, thanks to you.

What do you mean, "No thanks to me"?

All the trouble I went to to get in here,

and you say, "No thanks to me."

Well, who do you think squealed?

Who do you think phoned and told the dean I was here?

You?

Yes, Grandma Wilma.

Let's go, Ed.

It's getting late, honey. Aren't you coming to bed?

In a minute, dear.

You've been looking at yourself for 20 minutes.

I'm wondering what I'll look like when I get old.

You'll always be beautiful.

I hope so.

I was over to the Addison's this evening,

and I saw the saddest-looking little old lady.

Come on, honey. Let's go.

Little old lady, huh?

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ [theme]

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.