All language subtitles for Marry.Me.S01E18_English

KEVIN 2: Well,
you did it, Kevin.

You managed to work Kale
into every single part
of this meal.

Well, if anyone's to blame,
it's Kale's versatility.

Oh, can we stop talking about
Kale for a second as a nation?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize
I had such strong beliefs
about that topic, but...

Anyway, we were hoping
for a little honeymoon advice.

We're thinking of Paris
or maybe someplace
more exotic.

And just to clarify,
when we say exotic,

we mean cool and sexy,

not some place where you
get a toilet seat parasite
that lays eggs in your brain.

No, thank you. We don't want that.

Paris, huh?
France? Lame.

Yeah, why go all
that way when Paris, the
Las Vegas resort and casino,

is just five states
away? Huh?

Yeah, you like
authentic French food?

How does a 1/2 mile-long,
all-you-can-eat
buffet of it sound?

Slightly less authentic.

Yeah, ooh, hey,
how about Fiji?

Oh, so it's islands
you want, huh? How about...

Rhode Island?What?

Well, I was gonna say Hawaii.

Or Long Island?
Fire? Coney. Fantasy.

Come on, you guys,
quit messing around.

Didn't you say
Rio is beautiful

if you ignore all
the street children?

Listen, Annie, sweetie,
could you do me a favor?

Could you get a chocolate bar
from your dad's nightstand?

My diet can eat a fatty.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. Hurry, it's an emergency.

Thank you.

Annie cannot
leave the country.

Huh? She doesn't know it,
but she's an illegal alien.

She was born in Canada
to a Canadian surrogate.

We wanted
to have her here...

But it was the '80s.

Yeah, very difficult time
for two gay men
to have a child.

The '80s. Yeah, so for
the past 30 years,

we've been secretly
renewing her visa

using a tenuous loophole
which closed last year.

Thanks, Obama!

Annie can never find out
about this. She would be
devastated.

[LAUGHS] Wow,
that's a lot to process

after three kale-jitos,

but I should probably
mention that Annie
has this

adorable habit of
waiting a moment

when she leaves the room
just to make sure

that nobody's
saying anything about her.

I'm Canadian?

How "aboot" that, eh?

No!

[WHISTLING]

♪ Oh, no ♪ Hey

♪ Can't hold me back

JAKE: Aw.

ANNIE: How could my dads have
lied to me all these years?

How could I not
have known?

Nobody panic. Nobody
decide they hate
their parents.

KEVIN 2: In our defense,
Annie, we were just trying
to protect you.

I mean, it's hard enough
growing up with two
gay dads and a baby tail.

By the way, sweetie,
you had a baby tail.

What? Monster.

We feel really,
really bad, Annie,
but you know,

we got you into this mess
and we are going
to get you out of it.

So we signed you up
for the next citizenship test,
which is next week.

Next week? No, I,
I can't do next week.

I've got so much
wedding planning this week.

Well, you could take
the next test,
but it's in seven months.

Seven months?

I can't spend another moment
as a ridiculous Canadian.

I mean, no offense
to Canada,

but it's basically
America's attic.

Kevin and I
will help you study. Yes.

And I'm sure you can
find someone to help
with the wedding.

You're all looking at Jake.
You want an answer from Jake?

This would be
a good chance
for you to get involved.

I mean, you've
kind of been checked out

through the old wedding
planning process.

Checked out? What?
I'm more checked in
than Dunston, babe.

Let's be honest,
you're more checked out

than Jason Alexander
while making
Dunston Checks In,babe.

Guys, sometimes
your references...

Who are they for, really?

Okay, you know what?
You want me on this thing?

Hand me that baton,
and I will...

Hold that baton and do
what you do [LAUGHS]
with a baton.

Yeah? Yes, I will do it.

Okay, okay,
let's give him the book. Come on.

Ohh. Oh, God, here it is.

All right. Oof!
How many guys
are you marrying, nine?

This is serious.

I don't want you to worry,

because you are gonna
destroy the citizenship test,

and I am gonna
destroy this wedding.

I'm gonna
destroy this wedding.

Why? What do you mean?

No, because
they're gonna ask me
a bunch of stuff,

you know, like,
"What color flower,
Mr. Schuffman?"

Or, "What color tablecloth,
Mr. Schuffman?"

Or, "What color"...

I can't even think
of a third example,

because
I don't understand
any of this stuff.

Look, first things first,
you got to break it down
into its parts, okay,

like you were
butchering a pig.

A big, whole, fat, dead pig
is intimidating,
but a pork chop?

Is delicious. Exactly.

Okay.

So, let's cut
this little piggy up.

[LAUGHS]

First, we want to
identify the top priorities.

What's this check?

Okay, oh, this check
for the venue deposit
says it's due yesterday.

Okay, so now,
that's something
I would call a top priority.

I'm gonna
call them right now.

But she gave you
this thing days ago, Buddy.
[LAUGHS]

What have you been doing?

Well, you know, the Bulls,
and Bears,
and beers, and bowls...

And this thing is so big.
You know, I have tiny hands.

What? Hi.

Hello, hi, this
is Jake Schuffman.

I'm, uh, calling
about our deposit.

Yeah, there's
been a slight...

Okay, great.
Awesome, thanks a lot.

Totally, big time.

You lost the venue,
didn't you?

Totally, big time.

[BOTH SINGING]
♪ Hamilton, Madison, and Jay

♪ Are three fun names to say

♪ The Federalist Papers
they wrote

♪ While looking at a boat

The boat feels
a little off-topic.

Is it even
historically accurate?

No, sweetie,
and some of us were
saying that yesterday.

And others
of us were saying,

"Instead of poking holes,

"maybe you can pitch
some of your own damn ideas."

All right. Um...

♪ To keep the country afloat

Okay, where was
that guy last night?

Guys, I don't feel
like this is helping.

W...[STAMMERS] all right,
you know what,
let's move on to

the, the flash cards, okay?

How many amendments
in the Constitution?

Ooh. That's a tough one.
[LAUGHS]

Fi...

Fo...

Tw... Twe...

"Tyse-e-e...,
E-e-e..., V...v...v..."

Twenty-seven.

Yes! Another home run,
sweetheart!

You see, you're a natural,
a brilliant, natural genius.

No, no, I'm not.

Why is this test so hard?

I mean, I nailed the S.A.T.s.

Kevin, we should tell her.What's to tell?

Annie, sweetie... [STUTTERING]

You know how you,
took the S.A.T.s untimed?

Most people don't get a week.

Well, I thought
I got a week
because I was special.

You are special.

And that is exactly
the language

we used to get you
excused from the test.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

This is the problem.

I am a coddled
Canadian weirdo.

No!

Dads, I feel like
all your helping is hurting,

and I should probably
study without you.

Bad idea.

But you're right.

I'm sorry.

You should go, Kevin.
We need to do
this on our own.

No, scootch
on out the door.

I just feel so terrible
having deceived Annie
for all these years.

Yeah, I get it.

Well, if you're looking
for a place to release all
that pent up paternal energy,

I know a big boy who needs
a daddy right about now.

Oh, Jake, you are so bad
at asking for help.

But no, I am sorry.

My helping days
are behind me.

I lost our wedding venue.

[GASPS]

Dramatic gasp is right,
but here's the good news...

I got the name
of the woman who took it.

Now, all we have to do
is convince her to
give it back.

But I'm retired, Jake.

Kevin, word is this woman
is a real bridezilla,

and the only way
to beat a bridezilla

is with an even
bigger bridezilla.

That's not a comment
on your weight,
because you look fantastic.

Are you asking me
to come out of retirement
for one last job?

Yes. What,
what's with the voice?

[CLEAR THROAT]
I've got a little
green tea spit bubble.

Oh.It's really caught.

[COUGHS]
I'm good. I'm good.

[LAUGHS]

Honestly, I don't think
I'm gonna be a
good study partner, Annie.

I don't know
much about civics.

Oh, that's okay,
I was more just
looking for discipline.

I mean, you know
my dads can be
a little too encouraging.

So you asked me here
for some tough love?

Exactly.

Well, makes sense.

I mean, the Kevins ruined you.

They told you how perfect
you were your whole life,
you believed it,

and then reality
bitch-slapped you

in your perfect little face.

I mean, that...
Well, that seems
a hint unfair.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.

No, I'm just...
I was trying to be
tough on you.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

Oh, sorry. I didn't know
that we'd started already.

Okay. Okay, great, great.

I'm glad you came to me now,

because anyone can see
that you are flailing

within an inch
of your damn life.

You and your
whole strike four,
me first,

attendance trophy,
special snowflake
garbage generation.

You know what?

I think I left
my highlighter in the car,

and I will be right back.

Sorry, but
I'm not giving up
my wedding date.

You and your fiancee
wouldn't even
consider a swap?

I don't have a fiancee.

Oh. Boyfriend?No.

Girlfriend? Uh-uh.

Cat? I wish.

Look, if you must know,
I'm marrying myself.

[LAUGHS] Okay, you got me.

I thought we were up
against a real wedding.

So w..., so what's it gonna
take to move this
princess party?

See, and that is
exactly the kind of
small-minded thinking

that drove me to
create my own company,
FuFu Flowers.

W... What is FuFu Flowers?

It's a service for women
to send themselves flowers,

because you don't need
a man to appreciate
a beautiful bouquet.

FuFu, "for us, from us."

So like FuBu?

I've never heard of that.

FuBu, "for us, by us." Doesn't ring a bell.

FuBu, FuFu, it's like,
one letter difference.

Guys, I'm not hearing it.

Really?

Marrying myself is
the perfect embodiment
of the FuFu spirit.

Janine,
what are you doing? No.

What are we gonna do?
We can't lose this venue.

I mean, if she disappears,
no one's gonna notice, right?

I mean, she doesn't
even have a cat.

No, you, you catch
more 'zillas with sugar.

Follow my lead.

Molly, I am loving this idea.

I can picture it now,

you standing there in
a strapless, dipped,
trumpet gown...

Soft curls, no veil,
and no man.

I loved everything
that you just said.

Can I be honest with you? You better be, sister.

Most of my friends
and relatives think
this is crazy.

What? That's...that's crazy.
They're crazy jealous.

You know who else
they said was crazy?

Who? Albert Einstein.

Yes, they did say
that about him,

and he turned out to
have a few very good ideas.

Mmm-hmm, now,
I know you want
to do all this

on your own. I get that,
but planning
a wedding is, is work.

Yeah.

So, why don't you
let us help you,

and in exchange,
you can give us
our venue back.

I mean, I have always
had a fantasy

that a stylish gay couple
such as yourselves

would give me
the ultimate wedding
makeover,

and then I'd turn them,
and they'd fight over me.

But we don't have
to do that last part.

Well, the only problem
with that is that
Jake and I aren't...

Aren't backing down,
because we love that idea,

because we are a gay couple,

and we love things
as the gays do.

And I know my voice
sounds like I'm lying,

but that's only
because as a child,
my throat was in an accident.

I'm excited,
and I'm sorry to hear
about your throat.

[CHUCKLES]

Come on. You can do this.

Studying on
your own will be great.

Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

[SNIFFS] Ooh, that's nice.

Yeah. Take
a second hit off that.
[SNIFFS]

[DOORBELL RINGING]
Oh, thank God.

Hi. Your dads told us
you've had trouble
finding study buddies.

We were supposed to
pretend it was our idea
to come help,

but we knew you'd
never believe that,

so then we were in
a car broke down area,

but that seemed farfetched.

Long story short,
we're here,

and we're not
telling you why.

Now, do you want
help studying or not?

Yes, that would be perfect.
Thank you.

My dads were,
like, way too hot,

and Myrna was too cold,
but you guys
will be just right.

Yay.Yay, it'll be like college.

Yes. Let's dig in.

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

GIL: Ahem.Third edition,
so that's nice.

ALL: Oh, nice. You can trust it.

Those guys...[ALL LAUGHING]

Hi, boys. [ALL LAUGHING]

Hello, is that Leno?

God, it's been
a long time since I studied.
I kind of forgot how.

I'm ready to...

So should
we start drinking?

Yeah. You know what?

Oh, that's how you do it.
Whoo whoo!

I need a break
just to warm into it.

Ooh, sweet!

This is how I passed
my psych 101 exam

on my way to the
ladies' room to go puke.

I failed psych.

Wow.

So how did the
two of you meet?

Oh, uh, how did we meet?
Um, at Gaylord's
Indian Restaurant.

Yeah, that, that's right.

Uh, when I met Jake,
he was morbidly obese,

but I managed to
see past all that fat.

Thank you. I sensed some fatness.

Yeah. Really?

Mmm-hmm.
Now, what are your
thoughts on centerpieces?

Oh, you know...you know,
Kev has some really
interesting ideas

on center prizes.

Centerpieces.
Centerp...

See, look at this guy.
He's [LAUGHS]
already on fire.

Go get 'em, Kev.

Um, well, you know,

given the choices
you've already made,

I feel like
a simple bamboo basket

would be both elegant,
you know, and easy
to take home after.

Great. Great. People love that.
Yeah.

And Jake, what about
these ganaches?
What do you think?

Siri, take a memo.
Business idea,
center prizes.

Sweetie, sweetie,
I feel like you're not
paying attention.

Sweetie,
this shouldn't be about me.

This is about
Molly's galoshes.
Am I right, Molly?

I thought it was.

Well, buttercup,
remember on
our fourth date,

when I told you to
put down the muffin?

Well, I feel like
we're having one of
those muffin moments now.

Dr. Brandt told us
we're not allowed to talk

about our muffins
anymore, okay?

Dr. Brandt...So we're not gonna
talk about our muffins.

Dr. Brandt is
our therapist,

and he has prescribed
Kevin here a ton
of mood stabilizers.

No, I... No, I kind of...

It's like, he's constantly
taking a lot of pills.

I don't take any pills.

Guys. [BOTH TALKING AT ONCE]

Guys!

I feel like
all of this bickering

is kind of getting in
the way of my day,
and right now,

I'm feeling less generous
when it comes to the
giving away of certain venues.

Would you excuse us
one second?

I think it's time
for Kevin to
take one of his pills.

See, this is why
I'm marrying myself,

because I don't need
anyone to remind me
to take my pills.

What are you doing?What are you not doing?

Is this how you act
in your wedding
meetings with Annie?

[SCOFFS] No, of course not.

Not that I go to any of them.

Or... I mean
I've gone to some.

No wonder
she's so bummed about
this wedding planning thing.

She's bummed?
I always thought she wanted
to make all the decisions.

No, Jake, she wants you
to be a part of it.

She just doesn't
want to nag.

Really? Now, the good news is,
I have no problem nagging.

So if you want to
save your wedding,

you better start
getting involved in this one.
Okay, honeybunch?

Honeybunch?
Molly's not even
listening to us right now.

I am dedicated
to this farce.

Oh.Let's go, sweet cheeks.

Hey. Hello.

Hi. Mmm.

I heard you guys were in
need of some study supplies.

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

And this is
why I love you.

Did I just hear,
"I love you?"

Girl, don't trip.

Okay, guys, look,

you've been here all night,
and the only thing
I've learned

is the order to
drink beer
and liquor in.

Hey, if you need some help,
I know someone who's
in a citizenship study group.

Really? Of course.

There's been a spicy Latina
in our midst this whole time.

Hailey,
who we talking about?

Tu madre? Tu padre?
Tu abuela? Un amigo?
Sacapuntas?

My maid, Olga.
She's Ukrainian.

And "sacapuntas"
means pencil sharpener.

Just FYI, everybody,
new girl's got
a lot of opinions.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh, that one. Thank you, Jake.

Hello.

[LAUGHING]

Oh.

Yes.Yeah!

What are we doing?

Wow. There it is. [CLAPS]

Beautiful. Like a light.

All right. There you go.

He's a keeper, honey.

Yes, he is.

I can't thank you
two enough.
The venue's yours.

Really? Wow.Oh, my God! Thanks.

And you know,
I can only hope

that my wedding to Kevin
will be as special
as yours to you.

I've got myself
a very special girl.

Hey, congratulations,
Miss America.

I'm so proud of you.

And do you know
what's awesome?

While you have becoming
a citizen of what once was

the greatest country
in the world...

Still okay, you know...

I have learned the
true spirit of
wedding-ing-ing.

Wedding-ing--ing.

Anyway, from now on,

we are going to plan
our big today together.

Well, our big day's
not gonna happen,

because I failed the test,
and now they
want to deport me.

What? I have to be a...

What?

Canadian, Jake. [SOBBING]

I have to be a Canadian.

Oh, baby.

It's so...

What is that?

Oh, that. Yeah, no,
that's just our
friends and family

here to celebrate
your newfound citizenship.

What?

ALL: [SLOWLY] Surprise.

Thank you all for coming.

Why do you two insist
on having surprise parties?

DENNAH:
Are you really
being deported?

How much time do you have?

Just till Friday.

And I wasn't
even on their radar

until I failed
this stupid test.

I mean, did you know
Ben Franklin
wasn't a president?

I mean,
the man invented kites.

Well, don't worry.

We're gonna start
one of those
nationwide campaigns

like they did for
that Elian Gonzalez boy.

They let him stay,
though, right?

I don't know.

Deportation?
That is harsh.

Well, the Canadian embassy
prefers to call it
a swift removal.

Such a polite people.

They are. We are.

Oh, babe.[SOBS]

You know what?
Don't worry, everyone.

I think I know
how to solve this.

Annie is going to become
an American the American way,

by taking a lazy shortcut.
We're getting
married tomorrow.

What? Yes, we're getting
married tomorrow.

That's crazy. What?

Wait, I,
I don't have a dress,

and what do we do
about food and
the guests?

No, I could
never pull that off.

No, you can't,

but you and I and
everyone else here can.

I have a DMV
appointment at 4:00.

Ah, not now, Mom,
I'm, I'm talking...

I'm doing a thing.
Let's sidebar it.

Wait, so we would
plan it together?

Yes, that's what
I'm talking about.

We'll plan it together.
And you know,

I mean, I know there's
not a lot of time,
but it's gonna be amazing.

But who are we even
gonna get to officiate
on such short notice?

[KNOCKING AT THE DOOR]

Oh, hey, guys.

Listen, I hate to be that
condo board president
three years running,

but technically,
more than eight people
is considered a party.

Julie, by any chance,
do you have
an officiant's license?

Oh, God, no.

I do. I'm also
a licensed doula,

a certified helicopter pilot,

and a platinum member
of the NRA.

[THE RONETTES
BE MY BABYPLAYING]

♪ The night we met
I knew I needed you so

♪ And if I had the chance
I'd never let you go

♪ So won't you say
you love me?

♪ I'll make you
so proud of me

♪ We'll make 'em
turn their heads

♪ Every place we go

♪ So won't you please

♪ Be my, be my baby

♪ Be my little baby?

♪ My one and only baby

♪ Say you'll be my darlin'

♪ Be my, be my baby

♪ Be my baby now

Marriage is not to be
entered into lightly

or hurriedly or haphazardly

or under the influence
of any alcohol or drugs.

We get it. We get it. Move it along.

We sure?

You know before when it
sounded like I said,
"I love you"?

Well, I do. Do what?

It, what I said.

I do it, too.

JULIE: Symbolizing to
all the union these
two now enter into.

So you're the one
who's marrying
yourself, right?

Don't tell anyone this.
I'm getting cold feet.

Wow.

Annie, do you take Jake
to be your husband?

I do.

Do you promise to...

I do, too. I'm...
I know it's not my turn.

I'm just really
excited right now.

Okay, well, you jumped
a couple of my lines, but...

I now pronounce you...

[SIGHS]

Chuck and Larry. [LAUGHS] Oh.

Good one, Julie.

No. I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

ALL: Aw.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

For the first time ever,
Mr. and Mrs. Schulman.

Schuffman.

Schuff--Schuffman.
Mr. and Mrs. Schuffman.

Schuffman, baby!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[C&C MUSIC FACTORY'S
MAKE YOU SWEAT
EVERYBODY DANCE NOWPLAYING]

You know what?What's that?

This isn't the
wedding I planned,

but it's the wedding
I never knew
I always wanted.

I love you, husband.

I love you, wife.

Hey, you know what
my one regret is, though?

That The Boyz
couldn't be here.

Couldn't they?

[SPOOKY POP MUSIC]

Would you please
clear the dance floor
for the bride and groom?

You are about to be possessed
by the sounds of The Boyz.

Hit it!

[ROB BASE'S
IT TAKES TWOPLAYING]

♪ Ah, yeah!

♪ B to the O
to the Y to the Z!

♪ Oh, guys, guys,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Annie threw
this together real fast

♪ 'Cause the feds
are all over her ass

♪ She's an immigrant
I'm talking illegal

♪ Go back to where you came
from Our country's
already full

♪ Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, take it down a notch

♪ No more white people

♪ It takes two to
make a thing go right ♪

[LAUGHS]

♪ Annie and Jake'll
make it out of sight

♪ It takes two to make
a thing go right

♪ It takes two to
make it out of sight

♪ It takes two to
make a thing go right

♪ It takes two to
make it out of sight

♪ It takes two to
make a thing go right

♪ It takes two to...
It...it...it

♪ Takes two to make
It...it...it

♪ Takes two to make a...

♪ It takes two to make a...

♪ It takes two to make a...

♪ It...it...it takes two to...

♪ It...it...it takes
two to make...

♪ It...it...it takes
two to make... ♪