Original subtitles

Care for a handcrafted cocktail?

Yes, but I'm not sure I should say

the name of my drink order out loud.

Can you just drop a shot of Jager into some Red Bull?

Gotcha. And thanks for not saying B-O-M-B.

People tend to freak out.

-[RUMBLING] -[PASSENGERS SHOUTING]

CAPTAIN: [ON PA] Everyone, please take your seats immediately.

Bruce almighty!

Oh, my God. This could be it.

Okay. Calm down. Calm down.

Just watch the flight attendant.

If he panics, we panic. He's fine, see?

Yep, just writing some goodbye emails to loved ones

because I think this is probably really it.

[PASSENGERS SHOUTING]

Oh, thank God I paid $45 for 30 minutes of Wi-Fi.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[INHALING DEEPLY]

[SHOUTS]

Goodbye, world. It's been trill.

-[SIGNAL BEEPS] -[PASSENGERS APPLAUDING]

Hallelujah. Stewardess, I will take that Jagerbomb now.

You know what? Bombs on me.

Everybody's getting bombed!

-We're getting bombed? -No, no, no, no, no.

We're all going to die!

What?

Kay, that is the craziest story I've ever heard,

and in college, I worked at a suicide hotline.

May they all rest in peace.

All of them? Like, everybody you talked to?

I was asked to resign. Let's leave it at that.

Yeah, well, on the flipside of that coin,

I've got a new lease on life.

And we've got a new lease on a Nissan LEAF,

so new leases all around.

We actually got it six months ago,

but he was waiting for someone to say that phrase,

-so we could spring it on you with a little pizzazz. -Ooh.

Oh, and Kay, thank you so much for that

email when the plane was going down.

That was so sweet.

So touching. Thank you.

I didn't realize that we were such big role models for you.

I wept.

Wait. Everyone got heartfelt emails?

Dennah and I just got one asking us

to take a box of garbage out of her apartment.

Oh, no. I sent that one before I even got on the plane.

Then, why didn't we get a goodbye?

Because the turbulence stopped,

then the whole bomb-scare portion of the flight happened,

and then it was all over, and I knew I'd see you again.

Thank God you're okay.

And thank you for that amazing email, by the way.

A near-death experience?

I can't imagine anything more horrible.

Thank you, mama. It was pretty...

-Except for my day. -Mmm-mmm.

The guy at the juice place called me "sir,"

a coworker told me I looked like I was tired of living,

and my waxer dropped me as a client

citing "creative differences."

Zoya dropped you?

You've been going to her since you were eight.

Annie had what's called baby beard.

Mine was incurable.

You know what? I'll talk to Zoya about it today at my 3:00.

What? It's the only thing I spend money on.

Guys, my self-esteem is at an all-time not great,

which is why, to make myself feel better,

I have decided to finally change my Facebook status to

-engaged. -[ALL CHEERING]

I can't believe you waited this long

to let the Internet know you're engaged.

To a guy with the courage of a stuntman

and the singing voice of an Aimee Mann.

And, from what I've been told,

the lovemaking skills of the ladies' man.

But, seriously, I have been saving it for a really tough day

'cause I know that once I change it,

I'm going to get an outpouring of love

and some real sincere "You go, girl's."

Break the Internet, girl.

So your pal Kay almost dies,

but we'd rather go with round 17 of Annie got engaged.

-Mmm-hmm. -Mmm-hmm.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Okay.

Aw.

Hey, so, no dice with Zoya.

She just will not wax you a Twin Towers tribute.

I really can't with Zoya right now.

Hey, babe, you have got to look at these comments.

I know it's shallow, but it feels really good.

Like peeing in a kiddie pool.

There is just one ex whose face I'd really love to rub

my engagement's face in.

Dr. Lee. But he's not on any social media.

Dr. Lee? But isn't that that douche you dated before me?

Why would you care?

We dated for over a year and a half, everything was going fine,

and then out of nowhere, he broke up with me via email.

Subject line, unmarriable.

No, he didn't!

-He was such a dick. -Ugh.

All right, now we have to go shove our happy engagement

directly in his stupid face. How do we find him?

I may have Facebook messaged his mom.

You're Facebook friends with his mom?

-Sissy? -Oh, no, thanks. I just went.

No, that's his mom's name. She wrote back and said, mazel tov,

and that Lee is at Chicago General Hospital.

Okay, I'm coming with you.

What? No, you don't have to.

Yes. We're engaged now, okay?

That means that your grudge is my grudge and vice versa,

like how you took on the grudge I had against Stevie Wonder.

Don't sit front row at major sporting events, Steve.

You could sit, literally, anywhere.

Hey, we're not just engaged. We're engrudged.

Oh, I love that.

It's almost as good as enbageled.

From the time we shared a bagel.

Ugh.

-Well, come in. -I think Kay lied to us about when

she sent that email, and I want to know why.

Well, her story didn't bump me, but if you're really curious,

I guess we could just log in to Kay's email

and see what time she wrote us.

Wait, do you know Kay's password?

I know all our friends' passwords.

Jake's is "couscous," Annie's is "anniegosling,"

and yours is also "anniegosling."

I couldn't think of anything.

And... Oh, my God. You're right.

Our emails were sent between Annie and Jake's and the Kevins'.

She lied. I knew it!

We have to tell her that we know the truth.

That this is her last chance to get 30% off,

plus free shipping on all outerwear from Club Monaco?

Oh, holster that look. I knew what you were talking about.

A guy can't make a joke anymore?

If that's the world you want to live in, all right.

You know, I had plans today.

[GASPS] This is where they said he'd be.

Okay. Now, listen.

Now, I know we hate this guy for hurting you,

but we're in his place of work.

Babe, I'm totally chill.

I'm just going to walk in there super dignified

and show you off like the prize that you are.

-Oh, babe. -Wait.

-Why are you wearing those jeans? -Hmm?

I told you to wear the hog huggers!

Oh, they're being recrotched.

-Again? -[LAUGHS] Yeah, again.

All right, let's just get in there.

-Sissy? -I told you, I already went.

-Annie. -Oh, there he is.

-What up, Dr. Lee? -I'm not...

You're not? You're not? What?

You're not dating my girlfriend anymore?

No, because she's my fiancee now.

What do you think of them apples?

-Jake... -No, no, no, I got it.

It's just two dudes talking. Isn't that right, Dr. Lee?

Hey, take two of these and call me in the morning.

No, you can't, because they're mine, actually, baby.

Jake, no, no, no, no, no...

Hey, what are you, eyeballing me, sucker?

You want to dance? Because my dance card is definitely not full!

-Jake! -No, it's cool, honey, we...

This is Lee.

He's in a coma.

Oh. Oh, oh, that's Lee.

Very nice to meet you.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Nineteen months ago, he was in a horrific accident.

-Car? -Bike?

Zamboni.

He's the volunteer driver at the rink he grew up on.

One day, he was showboating for the kids,

doing something called Montreal drifting when he lost control.

He was thrown from the operator's compartment and then...

Oh, no. Let me guess.

I would rather just tell you.

He was run over by the Zamboni.

That's what I was going to guess.

That's what I was going to guess too based on the setup.

That rink was always a part of him,

and for the entire third period

of a Bantam Travel League playoff game,

he was a part of it.

Wow.

-Literally. -Wow.

-I know that's a lot to take in... -[LAUGHS]

So I'll leave you guys alone.

-Thank you, Sissy. -Thank you.

This is horrible.

I know. I feel so terrible.

Now he'll never know that I'm engaged.

...is the least of my concerns,

because I am so broken up about his condition from here on out.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Kay? Kay!

KAY: I'm in the shower.

[ALL SHOUTING]

What the hell are you doing in here?

You said you were in the shower.

It's like if somebody says, "I'm in the kitchen!"

What are you going to do? You're going to go into the kitchen.

-You're going to have a bowl of soup. -What?

Kay, we saw when you sent our email. You lied to us.

Fine. Look. I needed you to throw that box out

because there was something in it

that I didn't want anyone to find

if that plane went down.

And I asked you two because I trust you the most,

despite the fact that you clearly hacked my email.

Oh, you trust us.

The three of us, we're like...

We're like a triangle of trust.

Aw, Kay. That really makes me feel like

I want to ask you what's inside that box.

I think what Dennah means is that we're just both so touched by

-the need to know what's in that box. -Yep.

I'm too embarrassed to even tell you,

but thank you for taking care of it.

Triangle of trust?

BOTH: Triangle of trust.

Now, will you please get out of the damn bathroom?

Oh, it's one of those kind of showers. Okay.

I mean, I hated the guy, but I never wanted this to happen.

Agreed. It's crazy to think that this guy's never going

to go on a hike again, you know, or...

Nobody's going to wear that sweet leather jacket again.

You know, it's crazy, nobody thinks about the jackets and...

Nor should they.

...what happens to them.

All right, you know what?

Hey, let's get out of here

and chalk this up to one of our classic bad plans, you know,

like that time we took mushrooms and went to go see The Cove.

That totally ruined our trip to Japan.

You know what? Actually, babe...

-Let me say goodbye. -Yeah?

Yeah. Lee,

I just want to say I'm really sorry that this happened to you

before I got to tell you I'm engaged.

-Annie. -I'm kidding.

Lee, good luck. I really hope you get better.

That's sweet. Come on, let's go.

[MONITOR BEEPING]

-[STAMMERS] What's happening? -I didn't touch anything.

I didn't touch anything.

Wow, he's never shown brain activity like this.

Annie, he's responding to your voice.

Right, Doctor?

It's always a mystery with comas, but it's possible.

Wow.

Doctor, is there any benefit in having

Annie spend more time with Lee?

We need to run some more tests, but it's worth a shot.

Annie, would you mind?

Staying for an extremely long period of time and not leaving?

Of course I'll stick around out of the kindness of my heart

and not for any other reason other than that.

[SIGHS]

I don't buy this mysterious box story.

Kay didn't think about us when the plane was going down,

and now she's trying to cover her sweet ass.

Unfortunately, we'll never know.

Now, what are you up to?

You want to help me find a dumpster to throw out Kay's box?

What? You still have Kay's box?

Let's look through it and find out if she was lying or not.

We can't do that. We are in a triangle of trust.

Does that mean nothing to you, Dennah?

We are never opening that box.

-I'll show you my boobs. -Works for me.

Are we really doing this?

Yes. I came here to prove I'm marriable.

Who's more marriable than someone who

can literally wrangle a human life

from the clutches of the underworld?

Babe, you're marriable because you're sweet and you're kind

and you have the tongue of a quesosommelier.

Thank you. But you're telling me that if said tongue could

also wake a man from a coma, that's not an added bonus?

Just tell me that's not an added bonus.

Just try to tell it to me.

That would be an added bonus.

I just don't want you to get

your hopes up and then be disappointed,

like that time we had sex at Alcatraz.

Annie, he'll see you now.

Okay.

Well, not really. He'll hopefully hear you.

But, again, even that's a long shot.

So I guess just come in, please.

Okay.

Maybe talk about some specific memories you shared.

Okay. Um, let's see...

Ah, remember that limo ride we took after the R. Kelly concert?

Oh, I don't like where this is going. Maybe a different story.

[MONITOR BEEPING]

Keep going, Annie! It's working! Same story.

We were drunk,

and, and I was wearing those undies you got me that were,

how shall we say? Missing a part.

-I'm going to go take a walk. -[MONITOR BEEPING]

Wait, Jake! It's your voice.

Come to me, Lee. Hear my voice. Feel my power, Lee.

-No, Lee! Lee! Come to me! -No, no, I...

Lee, I'm right here. Can you hear me, Lee?

I believe in you, Lee. You can do it.

-ANNIE: I believe in you, Lee. -Lee!

♪ I believe I can fly

♪ I believe I can touch the sky

♪ I think about it every night and day

♪ Spread my wings and fly away

♪ I believe I can soar

♪ See me running through that open door

♪ I believe I can fly

♪ I can fly

♪ I can fly

Come to me, Lee!

Come to me, Lee!

[HUMMING]

-[MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY] -[GASPS]

[GASPS, SIGHS]

That voice, who was that?

It's me, Annie!

No, no, no.

The man who sings like Aimee Mann.

That is the voice that pulled me out of the darkness.

Oh, that's me.

Hey, what do you know about that?

Hey, you're dead, man.

-I'm God. Welcome to heaven. -What?

Nah, I'm just kidding. You just woke up.

So the whole thing was very unsatisfying.

I mean, except for Lee,

who miraculously recovered from his coma,

which, of course, we're all thrilled about.

Sure. I mean, who wants to be in a coma?

Oh, yeah. Nothing short of a miracle is what that is.

Now, there's no way to sort of

gracefully rub my pending nuptials

in his face so close to the coma.

Right?

Mmm-mmm.

-It's frowned upon. -As it should be.

So it is written, so it is done.

Hey-oh, mortals. How's everybody feeling?

KEVIN 1: I'm good.

I've been having these migraines, but other than that, I'm good.

Migraines, yeah. Okay, let's see what we got.

Jake, you are not a god.

Of course not, honey. I am a vessel for God.

I am not going to call myself an angel.

I'll let you do that for me.

[GRUNTING]

How you feeling, Kevin?

No, I didn't have a headache.

And you never will.

Okay, I am off to the hospital.

Wait, why?

Oh, um, Lee wants to give me a thank-you gift, yeah.

No, you know what they say, receiving charity

is actually the highest form of charity.

Babe, aren't we kind of done with Lee?

I mean, even though I didn't get to gloat,

I told him we were engaged,

and I thought maybe we'd see him again never. Okay?

Okay.

Or I pick up my hog huggers at the crotchmaker,

I head over to the hospital, Lee sees just how terrific I am,

thus proving that not only are you marriable,

but you got your claws into a lifesaving dildo model.

So he's happy. You're happy. I'm happy. Everybody wins.

I guess.

You know, Jake sort of has a point there, Annie.

Except I think he's getting a little carried away

about what type of model he could be.

Oh, haters going to hate.

Okay, go, but talk me up.

Mention I'm still making jewelry

because Lee was sure I'd quit that.

You make jewelry?

Ugh, no, it's stupid. I quit that.

I don't feel great about this.

What if it's something that implicates Kay in a crime?

What if she killed Hae Min Lee?

I mean, she did attend Woodlawn High School in Baltimore.

Mmm, she was friends with Jay.

Wait. What is this?

GIL: [READING] "Even Vampires Get Cancer.

"A young adult novel

"that gives a whole new meaning

"to the phrase 'cancer sucks.'"

Written by Brandy Lamborghini.

Who the hell is Brandy Lamborghini?

That's Kay. That's the fake name

she gives to clubs, restaurants and governments.

Oh, my God.

Kay's biggest secret is that she wrote a YA novel

and she doesn't want anyone to read it.

Well, I guess we can't read it.

Triangle of trust and all.

"Madonna Mandelbaun was sick, sick with a thirst,

"a thirst for blood. Blood cancer."

I'm hooked. Keep reading.

Hey, buddy. Did I wake you?

Ah, Jake the snake, you made it. Sick.

-What's happening, man? -Hey, man.

Hey, oh, before I forget, uh, Annie's still making jewelry.

She makes... She's still makes jewelry.

Oh, that's weird. Listen, man.

You seriously saved me, so I owe you my life.

-No way. -Yeah.

Oh, this is ridiculous, Lee.

Ridiculously what?

It's ridiculously nice, but I intended to just simply say,

"This is ridiculous comma Lee."

Well, you know, I heard you talking about it when I was out,

so I got you one. Sick, right?

Dude, I have to be honest with you, I... [SIGHS]

I wanted to hate you after what went down between you and Annie,

but you're cool peeps.

You, too, man. [IMITATES EXPLOSION]

Hey, can I ask you one more favor?

-Oh, shoot. Yeah. -Um...

Can you teach me how to make in the toilet again?

Oh...

I mean, I feel like I already did you a huge solid, but...

Yeah.

What are we talking? Like, number one?

Right? Number one.

'Cause I'll hold your schwanz,

but I don't want to, you know...

-Bro. -Wipe your...

[LAUGHS] I'm kidding, okay?

-Everything is working fine down there. -[EXHALES]

Oh, okay. Okay. [LAUGHS]

In fact, get me a hooker.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHS] Ah.

No, I'm not joking. I am super horny.

Oh, sick.

It's so emotionally conflicting.

The vampire's bite gives teenage cancer patients eternal life.

But then they're forced to live forever

with the pain and discomfort of cancer.

And the awkwardness of being a teenager.

It's brilliant.

It's a genuine and grounded piece of

fantasy vampire illness fiction,

or sick fic.

Why wouldn't Kay want it out there?

It's so obvious. The teenage protagonist, Madonna,

struggling with her vampire identity, is a metaphor for

teenage Kay struggling with her sexual identity.

Huh. I didn't get any of that.

You know what? I should give this to my friend Nikki.

She works at a big publishing house.

Wow, that seems convenient.

Actually, the publishing house is all the way out in the suburbs.

Guess I could hire a messenger service or something.

Do they even have those anymore?

Honestly, it's anything but convenient.

No, that's not what I...

Dennah, are we really going to do that?

Buddy, this is what the triangle of trust is all about,

doing what's best for each other,

even when we can't see it for ourselves.

True. But you know

what would really put your argument over the top?

Nope.

You know, you don't know what I was going to say.

Do you want to show me what you thought I was going to say?

Ah. Fiancee. Hey, hey.

What's up?

Good question,

considering you're four hours later than you said you'd be

and you're wearing Lee's signature leather jacket.

I'm sorry. One thing led to another,

and we just started chiling out, you know?

I mean, he is one of the funniest guys I've ever laid ears on.

Wait, you guys are pals now?

What happened to our engrudgement?

I know he used to be a jerk, but he's different now, okay?

A coma can change a guy, and I'm not just talking about

muscle atrophy and junk neck.

No, this man cannot change. He's like...

He's like your mom and her hairstyle. It just is what it is.

That seems like an unnecessary shot.

All I'm saying is he is not a good guy.

Then why did he invite me to the Cubs game tomorrow? Front row.

Trust me. He's going to screw you just like he screwed me.

In the back of a limo after an R. Kelly concert?

Hey, guys.

-Hey. -Hey.

So, question.

Why did someone named Nikki from Wicker Park Press email me

to confirm the submission of my book,

Even Vampires Get Cancer, FKA Cancpires?

Huh. Didn't know that you had a book.

Oh, yeah, I didn't know vampires could get cancer.

-That's a wrinkle in the mythology. -Yeah, me neither.

I don't know much about...

I can't believe you sent my book to a publisher.

Only because it's really good, Kay,

and we knew you'd never send it.

It's so good!

You betrayed me. First, you lied. Then, you read my book.

-No, wait. You guys liked it? -Yes.

What was your favorite part? Were the characters likable enough?

Did the suckathon seem earned?

No, no, no, no, don't answer any of that. I'm pissed.

Kay, it's awesome. You're super talented.

This is what you should be doing with your life.

I don't know. What if no one likes it?

Do you trust us?

I mean, do you really trust us the way that you say that you do?

-Yes. -You have to pursue this.

Come on, you recently almost died.

Would you really be happy if your legacy was simply

talent agent to bodybuilders?

Well, I mean, I do like repping pumpers.

Okay, that's fair.

But yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Thank you.

Thanks for pushing me into this.

I trusted you guys to do the right thing,

and I guess you really did.

Just think how many teenagers struggling

with their "vampire" identity you could help.

Just like how Fifty Shades of Grayhelped

a bunch of fat, middle-aged women learn to masturbate again.

Hmm.

[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]

Hey, I thought Lee was picking you up for the game.

Oh, he is. He's just, uh, running a few innings late.

Sure, he is.

-He is. "Sure, he is." -[PHONE RINGS]

See? That's him.

Yo, dude, where...

No, I... Oh, I guess I'll...

Why am I not finishing my... Well, because you're...

Yeah, no, I get it. I guess I'll see you... Ter.

[SIGHS]

Did he ditch you out of nowhere?

No, he didn't ditch me.

He just has some post-coma stuff to take care of,

and he couldn't make the game.

You sure about that?

Oh, come on! I woke him out of a coma.

And are those the two hookers I got him?

You got him hookers?

Well, the guy had 19 months of morning wood.

How do you even know where to find them?

Huh?

But, I mean, you were right. That guy is the worst.

-The worst! -He is so bad.

The worst.

But you know what?

Thank God, because if he wasn't,

we never would have met

and I wouldn't be sitting with you right now.

Oh.

You know what? We're happy together,

and that's all that matters.

I don't need to be bopping around town,

rubbing it in a bunch of people's faces.

I wish Lee nothing but happiness.

That's right. God bless Lee.

SPORTS ANNOUNCER: A round of applause for Dr. Lee Cowen,

who just emerged from a coma.

-Oh! -Oh, my God!

Yes!

Take a seat, coma boy!

-Yeah! [LAUGHS] -[WHOOPS]