Original subtitles

(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God.

Babe, you got to check out this text my mom sent me.

It's longer than Moby Dick.

That's a long book, right?

If you ask me, any book is long.

I can barely make it through an Us Weekly

"What's In My Bag?" article.

She needs me to fix her drawer.

"I can't access my citrus zester.

"It's not citrus season, but I just want to be prepared."

Wait, didn't you just go over there yesterday?

Yeah, she needed me to ball up her socks.

Babe, do you think she's just making up excuses

for you to go over there because she's lonely?

Yeah, totally, but if going over there

and changing the light bulb over a ping pong table

makes her feel better, I'm happy to do it.

Well, yeah, of course, because you are the sweetest man alive.

But I just wish for her sake, she would get out more.

Maybe volunteer, or really go on a gosh darn date,

for Pete's sake. Hey, language.

I mean, has she ever even been on a date since I've known her?

Nah, she gave up on that after my dad left and then died.

Wow, that was 10 years ago.

She needs to get back out there. You know what, honey?

I really don't think she's that interested.

I wouldn't worry about it.

I'll go over and fix it tomorrow,

but not today, because today

is my all-day bachelor party, y'all!

Yeah, bachelor-obama!

I mean, o-rama. Gil's gonna throw me

a bitching bachelor party, and he owes me

because I threw him an amazing bachelor weekend.

So now, it's Jakey's turn, yeah, third person,

to rip up some drinks and get a face full of...

...art, because we are going to a museum.

While you are burying your face in some big, old, fake

impressionist masters,

Dennah and I will stop over at your mom's

on our way to brunch and fix her drawer.

Earn some points from my future mother-in-law.

Really?

How much do you know about cabinetry?

In high school, I made out with a guy who took wood shop.

Well, I made out with a girl

who smoked behind the Rite Aid, so using your logic,

I'm really good at wearing fingerless gloves

and using my older sister's vibrator.

I bet you are.

I don't know why I said that. Well, have fun today.

And, hey, why don't you bring me a pamphlet from the museum.

Er, I...

Babe, I don't care.

Just please don't tell me anything about it

and please don't get booby bruises on your face.

(GASPING) And this is why I love you.

(WHISTLING)

* Oh, no Hey

* Can't hold me back

* Can't hold me back from you *

Annie, it's okay, really.

I got it. I'm telling you...

I got it. (GRUNTS)

Oh, okay. Annie...

It's really okay.

We should just call a guy. What? No!

Be a feminist. We can do this.

HeForShe, Lean In, I have got...

Fine. All right, I will call a guy...

Mr. Google.

Ron Google? No.

Oh, I was like, "What a small world,"

but I guess nobody knows Ron.

Such a nice dude.

Okay, let's see. I was yanking,

hard wood, top off, need a screw.

Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah, you should probably close that window.

Oh, my God. (COMPUTER BEEPING)

Uh, Myrna,

a chat window has just popped up from a guy named Charles.

"Hello, Myrna beautiful. (SIGHS)

"Is this the afternoon we finally meet,

"maybe grab a cup of coffee?"

Are you doing online dating?

No, no. No, no, no, no.

I don't... That's just a wrong number.

Myrna, he's cute.

Smile for days. Meow!

So who's Charles?

Dish, girl, dish. No.

You know, it was something I was thinking about,

but I'm not thinking about it anymore.

Let's just drop it. Don't you have a brunch to eat?

Okay, fine. We're not gonna force you to do anything.

We'll just fix your drawer.

I think I figured out the problem anyway.

Do you have any more of those wiggly twisties?

You mean screws?

Yeah, I'll get you some screws.

I want to get Myrna some screws...

...from Charles. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah, he's gonna stick his little wiggly twisty...

Mmm, that's not great.

Okay.

GIL: Are you ready to party?

Am I ready? Do I have my

"been there, wrecked that" t-shirt on?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah! Oh.

I finally get to pay you back

for throwing me the best bachelor party ever.

Yeah, Vegas was pretty fun, right?

Pretty fun? It was like we were in The Hangover...

Especially that night we were extras

in the club scene in The Hangover.

Yeah, you know, not a lot of people get called

a poor man's Zach Galifianakis by Zach Galifianakis.

That guy made things okay for guys like me.

Oh, hey, guess what I did last night?

What'd you do last night? I'll tell you what I did.

Oh, I just spent all night baking you

this sexy vagina cake.

Wow, that is anatomically correct.

All right, first up,

your favorite bar. TBD's.

What, what? Then...

We're gonna head on over to a high-class burlesque show.

Where we can enjoy breasts in an ironic hipster fashion

that is somehow seen as female empowerment.

So where are the guys?

Yeah, that's a good question.

Let me give 'em a call.

(DIALING)

Cameron, Steve, where you at?

You're missing Jake's bachelor party.

Oh, perfect.

Outstanding.

All righty then. Sounds good.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, bye.

They on their way? Uh, no.

(SIGHS) Apparently, on the Evite

instead of putting the 17th,

I did not send an Evite.

Huh. Well...

Mistakes happen, right?

I mean, we'll just reschedule.

Oh, hells to the no.

We're doing this.

Really? But... Hey.

No buts, no cuts,

no coconuts.

Huh.

Okay, Myrna just needs

a little push. Oh.

Like when we were at camp, and you pushed me off that diving board?

You wanted that. And because of you,

that cute lifeguard gave me mouth to mouth.

You should probably still learn how to swim one day.

No, thanks. Plus, most of my bikinis

are not supposed to get wet. (COMPUTER CHIMES)

(GASPS) "Are you there, gorgeous?"

Yes, I am. (KEYBOARD CLACKING)

Oh, you bad girl. I am Myrna.

Would you like to come over

for a cup of coffee this afternoon?

Oh, so that's how you spell "ha-cha-cha."

We are doing a really good thing here.

(CHUCKLES) The goodest.

I hope TBD's still has that beer pong room

with all the sawdust on the ground.

I always wondered, is that a rustic thing

or just because of all the vomit?

All I know is, I'm going to buy you

as many flaming shots as you can stomach, (CHUCKLES)

and then I'm gonna buy you four more. Whoo!

Now, let's get this party started!

Flaming shots.

Oh.

Maybe the flaming shots were a bad idea,

what with the sawdust and all.

Yeah, come to think of it, this place was a ticking time bomb.

Why is Chicago so flammable?

Is it the wind here?

Hope nobody died in here. Oh, God, I hope not.

I'm sure we would've heard about it on the news.

Not necessarily. People die all the time

they don't have enough room in the news for.

It can get boring reading about every person

that died in a fire. That's probably true.

I see some flowers over there.

It's one of those little tribute things. Oh.

Somebody died here. Yeah.

Well, all right.

(SHIVERS) Shake it off.

Continuing on to the ironic burlesque show.

I'm more than up for it. You know...

I'm looking forward to a little high-class tongue-in-cheek stripping

by women with Master's degrees.

Yeah, it's impossible to get in unless you know somebody.

Luckily, Cameron went to Hebrew school with the bouncer.

Damn it, no Cameron.

(SIGHS) You know what, Gil?

Why don't we just call it?

No. I owe you the best bachelor party ever.

I have one more trick up my sleeve.

Have you ever heard of the Jersey Boys?

(LAUGHING)

Have I ever heard of the Jersey Boys? No.

Me neither, but they are right over there.

So let's get this party started.

I'll get us two tickets to Jersey Boys.

We got one ticket to Jersey Boys.

So there's one ticket for the two of us?

That's all they had.

But to be honest, I read the review. It's not my cup of tea.

"Kevin Connolly as Frankie Valli."

Okay, I'll bite.

Great. Bachelor party saved.

And while you're in there rocking out to the high pitched hits,

I'll be out here rounding up some more bros,

and we can get this party started!

(CHUCKLES) (DIALING)

Kay, this party is not getting started.

I need you to help me round up some bros.

I'm desperate here, girl.

Bros, girl. Bros!

All right.

If you could please just finish the drawer and leave

so that I can have an afternoon in

with my afternoon zin. ANNIE: Myrna...

So we've got some good news and some bad news. (MYRNA POURS DRINK)

Bad news is, I just broke

one of your other drawers.

Long story short, your other drawer is broken.

The good news is...

Charles is coming over. (SQUEALS)

What? You're welcome.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I...no. I don't want this.

But you do want this. You are up on that diving board,

and I am just giving you a gentle push,

and you are going to plunge

headfirst into love. Love.

No diving. No, I'm not diving.

No diving. No, no, no, no.

You have to cancel the date.

You...uh... (KEYBOARD CLACKING)

how do I cancel it?

How? (ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! Did that cancel the date?

Definitely not. No.

* They don't cry-yi-yi!

Kevin Connolly is Frankie Valli.

I mean, this Jersey don't stink.

(LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) Hey, bachelor.

I brought some bros for you.

Ah. It's your fathers-in-law,

and one of your fiancee's best friends.

Happy bachelor party!

(BLOWS NOISEMAKER)

I told him not to do that.

Are you ready to see some juicy, gushy, gushy

and a side of tig old bitties

grinding all up against your joystick?

Well, you know, I am a sucker for some

sweet, gushy, gushy with a side of tig old bitties

but not anymore,

because I'm...

with your daughter now and now all we do is pray.

It's okay. GIL: Don't worry.

GIL: They're on board.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Wait, oops, something vibrating in my pants.

Ah, buzzkill. It's my mom. Hold on one second.

MYRNA: (ON PHONE) Jake. Hey.

Annie is trying to get me to have sex

with a stranger from the internet. Okay.

Well, before I make any judgment about this,

I'd like to hear Annie's side of the story.

Hey, hon. Um, what's going on?

I'm trying to get your mom to have sex with a stranger from the internet.

What? Listen...

Good news. Your mom actually does want to date.

What are you talking about?

Well, she signed up for this senior dating site,

and she's been chatting with this guy for over a month,

and I googled him, and he seems great.

He's a doctor...

of medicine, not jazz. I double checked.

I'm sorry. I'm sure he's fine.

I just don't know if she's ready yet.

What? But this morning we talked about how she's lonely

and it's kind of a bummer.

I mean, this is the perfect solution.

Is it? I mean, the other solution

could just be to stay lonely.

You know, sort of a noble lighthouse keeper vibe.

Do you have a problem with your mom dating?

It's not like you're an 11-year-old boy

whose parents are divorced and now you're forced to go fishing

with your Tae Kwon Do instructor/stepdad while you pee your pants.

Well, when you put it like that, no. Great.

Now, you just enjoy your super awesome bachelor times.

Well, okay, but...oh, hey... and now she's gone.

(GASPING) Good news.

Your sexual surprise is on its way.

I bet you can't guess what it is.

I'll give you a little hint.

it did not have a great relationship

with its father growing up.

Okay, you know what? I feel like the bachelor party

has come to a natural stopping point,

and that's cool, okay?

We can just resched,

and now we can all go back to our respective moms' houses.

All right? Really?

I brought, like, 50 party horns.

And if that's not a bachelor party,

I don't know what is.

Well, that's not a bachelor party.

I told you, I don't know what it is.

Krystal. Ho.

What up, Kay? Hey, girl.

Who is my bachelor?

Because I told my manager at Lady Foot Locker

that I was just goin' to the bathroom,

so we gots to make this quick.

Right behind you.

Hi. Let's do this.

Oh, here? We're gonna do it right in the middle of the street

in front of the theater.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Hey, is that a wound?

C-section scar.

See, this is my first gig since Brayden was born.

Oh, congratulations.

I know a Brayden. Thank you.

Do you like that? Well...

Do you like it?

It's a bit of a mixed bag, I guess.

Wow.

It was just a wine spill. Yeah.

most of the repairs I get called out

to do are fluid related.

Don't wanna put too much thought into that.

Myrna, we are T-minus 20 minutes

before Mr. Handsome appears at your door.

Love connection's happening, y'all.

Look, um...

I don't know if I can do this.

I mean, Charles seems great, honestly.

But I haven't dated in a coon's age.

I mean, the last time I went on a date,

people still said "coon's age."

Yeah, they don't anymore.

Myrna, you're gonna be fine.

I'm not worried about me.

I'm worried about Jake.

Wait, what do you mean?

Well, Jake took our divorce really hard.

He always hoped that Don and I would get back together.

But Don's dead.

May God bless him and just keep him.

Jake will be fine.

I know he wants you to be happy.

I don't even know how to date anymore.

What do I do with my hair?

Where am I gonna get a bouffant at this hour?

Well, "maybe you don't," is the answer.

What about undergarments?

Oh, I usually just don't wear any.

Okay. I think what this event calls for

is a classic girls on girl makeover.

Oh, yes, please!

All right, but I don't want to wear jeans like a whore.

I'm wearing jeans.

BOTH: Oh.

KRYSTAL: If you want this dance,

we better get to your place quick, Gil.

Lady Foot Locker waits for no lady.

GIL: What the hell is this?

Oh, it's the AIDS Trot.

Oh, we'll never get through this.

Traffic will be snarled for hours.

Okay, just 'cause we're stuck

doesn't mean we can't get this party started.

Oh, there they are. Yeah.

KRYSTAL: * Big girls don't cry

GIL: Come on, guys.

* Silly boy

* You're my girl

* We had to break up

* Silly boy Okay, all right.

Hey, that's it. Sorry. I'm sorry.

I can't do this anymore.

What, did I do something wrong?

No, no, no, no, no, you were great.

You did what you do so well.

It's just, I just can't stop thinking about my mom.

I heard that. I can't stop thinking about my baby.

Okay, that's it. I'm calling it.

Clearly, this is the worst party

in the history of bachelor parties.

Damn it. All I wanted

was for you to have a super sick time.

Well, I am nauseated.

You know, Gil, think about it.

Your marriage was terrible.

Thanks for reminding me.

No, no, no, no, no, no. So by the inverse property of bachelor parties,

a great bachelor party equals a terrible marriage.

Wherein a terrible bachelor party

equals a great marriage.

I'll take it.

Maybe we should all go home just to make it even worse.

Now, how am I gonna get around this AIDS Trot?

I got to get to my mom's house

before some creepo runs his pruney fingers through my mom's hair.

Bad news. There is no way around the AIDS Trot,

but I think it winds up in your mom's hood.

Just follow the sea of humanity.

Oh, my God. Kay, you're right.

Hey, thanks, Gil, for the worst bachelor party ever,

and I mean that in a good way.

He is so sweet. Look how he care about his mama.

Goodbye, friends...

and Krystal.

BOTH: Bye. Bye, baby.

ANNIE: Myrna...

I wish I could do that catcall whistle thing,

but I can't whistle. Me neither.

Sometimes I'll get one of those whistling boogers,

but that's the closest I've ever come.

Doesn't matter. You look beautiful, Myrna!

Thank you.

(SIGHS) Well...

I'm ready to rejoin the game,

which is something I heard this morning on Queen Latifah.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, my gosh.

Here comes romance.

(DOOR LOCKS SHUT) Myrna?

Myrna. I'm not coming out.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Dennah, get the door.

Okay. Myrna? Myrna?

Hi, you must be Charles.

Wow, you should really change your profile picture.

(LAUGHING) No, I'm Dennah.

Myrna is just...

She's almost ready. Mmm-hmm.

Come on in.

It's just a little joke. I wasn't actually... (CHUCKLING)

you know. (BOTH CHUCKLING)

Have a seat in the living room.

She'll be out in a sec.

MYRNA: I'm never coming out.

Oh, God.

Those flowers are beautiful. The flowers, love 'em.

They're really great. So pink. So nice.

(ANNIE KNOCKS ON DOOR) ANNIE: Myrna.

Charles seems like a really great guy.

He drives an Audi, which shows he's classy

and likes a quality vehicle but isn't ostentatious.

What color Audi? Navy blue, I think.

As long as it's not white.

White is a classless color for a car.

I can't do this.

I don't want to hurt Jake,

and it's too soon for me to start dating again.

It's been 15 years.

Then we moved to Maryland

and had our eldest, Matthew,

and that's where I finished my surgical residency at Johns Hopkins.

I think you mean John Hopkins.

Ah, no, no. It's Johns.

Oh, like Ruth's Chris?

Um, yeah.

Ah. Myrna will be out in a second.

You know women. (CHUCKLES)

Hair spray, under-eye concealer,

dark spot bleaching cream,

tweezing that one black hair right on your chin.

Where does it come from?

For weeks, there's nothing, and then bam,

there's an inch-long hair right on your chin.

And I'm revealing too much about myself.

Cold feet? Do you want a blanket?

Uh, no, no.

I could overhear your whole conversation.

I know that Myrna has cold feet.

Rats. Okay.

CHARLES: No, no, it's okay. I understand.

I lost my wife a few years ago,

and this is my first date.

I'm actually as nervous as a pheasant upon the moors.

I'm literally that nervous.

I'm now inventing British-sounding phrases.

(CHUCKLES) No idea what to wear.

I mean, are sans-a-belt slacks

even in style anymore? No.

I think Myrna is just gonna adore you.

Well, I'm all finished, guys.

I saw a few wonky drawers. I can fix those too.

I'll come back tomorrow. You just need a few more screws.

A few more screws?

What? She's mom, you cyber pervert.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tae Kwon Do! (GRUNTING)

ANNIE: Jake! Jake!

No, Jake. Jake.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

You should be. You're gonna be fine.

It was only a few seconds of oxygen deprivation.

About the same as drinking a yard of margarita.

Oh, I've been there.

Got the Girls Gone Wild booty shorts to prove it.

I'm so sorry, Barry. I just...

I thought you were defiling my mother, when...

actually the defiler's right here!

Oh, my God! Jake! (GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

I am so sorry. This is not me.

I'm sorry. Not a big deal.

I'm just glad to see my Krav Maga training paid off.

The martial art of a very oppressed people.

Good work, Jews.

Look, I would be protective of my mom too.

Myrna's a great lady.

I'll be back next week with screws

for your mom's drawers.

Well, that could also be misinterpreted. I'm a go.

Yeah, I should probably leave too. (DOOR CLOSES)

(CLEARS THROAT) I think I've caused enough problems.

Deuces, Chuck.

No, Charles. Please don't go.

Jake, could I talk to you in the kitchen, please? Why?

Ow.

Excuse us. Oh, God.

He wants to leave.

Please, have a seat.

Jake, what are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I... She's my mom.

And she's lonely, and there's a really nice guy

who wants to take her for a cup of coffee,

but she's locked in her bedroom.

Well, if she's not ready to date,

then I guess she's not ready.

She is ready. She's just scared,

and she didn't date for a long time

because she was trying to protect you.

She was protecting me. Yeah.

Despite the fact that you are a full-grown man.

Look, your mom deserves to be happy,

and I think the only person

that can give her that push to try is you.

Well...

Charles does seem pretty nice, you know? Yeah.

Gentle, but firm...

Pants that aren't belted that somehow stay up. You know, how?

Who can say?

(SIGHS) Fine.

Okay, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'll go talk to her.

Thank you.

Mom, it's Jake.

Oh, honey. How are you?

I'm just in here cleaning the duvet.

Well, I think you should come out here and meet Charles.

He seems pretty great. Charles? Who's Charles?

I would never have a man here. It must have been Annie.

She's always inviting internet men over. Look...

I think it would be great if you started to date.

I genuinely do.

You do?

It wouldn't upset you?

No. No, of course, not.

I was just worried about you, you know?

I remember how hard the divorce was.

You know, look, I just want you to be happy.

How does Charles seem?

How does he seem? Yeah.

Well, nice build. Looks like he was handsome

back in the day, and also today.

What are his hands like?

What are his hand...

I don't know. They're shaking but large.

That's a good combination.

Oh, oh

Does he seem physically capable?

You know, strong hips?

Yes. Because you know,

the stereotype of the housewife

who doesn't want sex, that wasn't me.

Ah...okay, just come out,

and let's not ever talk about this again.

Some voids can never be filled, but mine could.

Mom, get your ass out here.

You look very nice.

Thank you.

(INAUDIBLE) Charles, I'd like you to meet my mom.

Mom, this is Charles.

Wow, uh, hello, Myrna.

Gosh, nice to finally meet you,

and you are even prettier in person.

Thank you. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, would you like a glass of wine?

Do you by any chance have a nice zin?

I do.

I do. Um...

Follow me.

Go, go, go.

CHARLES: Oh, beautiful cabinets.

You have more storage in here than...

somebody with an awful lot of storage. (CHUCKLES)

Ah, romance.

CHARLES: Ooh, how do you like that front-loading washer?

MYRNA: It has great load capacity.

Yesterday, I washed three pillows.

They are having pillow talk, literally.

Thank you.

That's the happiest I've ever heard her.

Oh, you're welcome.

Hey, how was the bachelor party?

Oh, terrible. Yeah.

I'm sober, and I didn't see anybody naked.

But, Kevin Connolly is a revelation.

Yes! That is what every fiancee wants to hear.

JAKE: All right, are you ready?

No, you think you're ready, but you're not.

ALL: Ah!

Ma'am, please put your pants back on!

I am a lesbian, and even I don't want a piece of that.

Apparently, it's based on his ex-wife.

Except the cake didn't leave in the middle of the night.

No. No. JAKE: Look.

I'm hungry, and I want cake, but...

I feel like it would be a sex crime to eat this thing.

Okay, maybe I can cut it when no one's looking.

(SLICING CAKE) So maybe if I just slice...

Ew, you're gonna start there?

It's even anatomically correct on the inside.

Are those licorice fallopian tubes?

Gross.

What is oozing out of that thing?

A sweet ricotta.

That's disgusting. I cannot eat that.

Okay, fine. I made popsicles too.

Chocolate or vanilla?

Nope. No.