All language subtitles for Marry.Me.S01E15_English

(CHUCKLING)
Oh, my God.

Babe, you got to
check out this text
my mom sent me.

It's longer
than Moby Dick.

That's a long book, right?

If you ask me,
any book is long.

I can barely make it
through an Us Weekly

"What's In My Bag?" article.

She needs me
to fix her drawer.

"I can't access
my citrus zester.

"It's not citrus season,
but I just want
to be prepared."

Wait, didn't you
just go over there
yesterday?

Yeah, she needed me
to ball up her socks.

Babe, do you think
she's just making up excuses

for you to go over there
because she's lonely?

Yeah, totally,
but if going over there

and changing the light bulb
over a ping pong table

makes her feel better,
I'm happy to do it.

Well, yeah, of course,
because you are
the sweetest man alive.

But I just wish for her sake,
she would get out more.

Maybe volunteer,
or really go on
a gosh darn date,

for Pete's sake.
Hey, language.

I mean, has she ever
even been on a date
since I've known her?

Nah, she gave up on
that after my dad left
and then died.

Wow, that was
10 years ago.

She needs to get
back out there.
You know what, honey?

I really don't think
she's that interested.

I wouldn't
worry about it.

I'll go over
and fix it tomorrow,

but not today,
because today

is my all-day
bachelor party,
y'all!

Yeah, bachelor-obama!

I mean, o-rama.
Gil's gonna
throw me

a bitching bachelor party,
and he owes me

because I threw him
an amazing
bachelor weekend.

So now, it's Jakey's turn,
yeah, third person,

to rip up some drinks
and get a face full of...

...art, because we
are going to a museum.

While you are burying
your face in some
big, old, fake

impressionist masters,

Dennah and I will
stop over
at your mom's

on our way to brunch
and fix her drawer.

Earn some points
from my future
mother-in-law.

Really?

How much do you know
about cabinetry?

In high school,
I made out with a guy
who took wood shop.

Well, I made out
with a girl

who smoked behind
the Rite Aid,
so using your logic,

I'm really good
at wearing
fingerless gloves

and using my older
sister's vibrator.

I bet you are.

I don't know
why I said that.
Well, have fun today.

And, hey, why don't you
bring me a pamphlet
from the museum.

Er, I...

Babe, I don't care.

Just please
don't tell me
anything about it

and please don't get
booby bruises
on your face.

(GASPING) And this
is why I love you.

(WHISTLING)

* Oh, no
Hey

* Can't hold me back

* Can't hold me back
from you *

Annie,
it's okay, really.

I got it.
I'm telling you...

I got it. (GRUNTS)

Oh, okay.
Annie...

It's really okay.

We should just
call a guy.
What? No!

Be a feminist.
We can do this.

HeForShe, Lean In,
I have got...

Fine. All right,
I will call a guy...

Mr. Google.

Ron Google?
No.

Oh, I was like,
"What a small world,"

but I guess
nobody knows Ron.

Such a nice dude.

Okay, let's see.
I was yanking,

hard wood, top off,
need a screw.

Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah, you should
probably close
that window.

Oh, my God.
(COMPUTER BEEPING)

Uh, Myrna,

a chat window has
just popped up from
a guy named Charles.

"Hello,
Myrna beautiful.
(SIGHS)

"Is this the afternoon
we finally meet,

"maybe grab
a cup of coffee?"

Are you doing
online dating?

No, no. No,
no, no, no.

I don't... That's just
a wrong number.

Myrna, he's cute.

Smile for days.
Meow!

So who's Charles?

Dish, girl, dish.
No.

You know, it was
something I was
thinking about,

but I'm not thinking
about it anymore.

Let's just drop it.
Don't you have
a brunch to eat?

Okay, fine. We're
not gonna force you
to do anything.

We'll just fix
your drawer.

I think I figured out
the problem anyway.

Do you have
any more of those
wiggly twisties?

You mean screws?

Yeah, I'll get you
some screws.

I want to get Myrna
some screws...

...from Charles.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah, he's gonna
stick his little
wiggly twisty...

Mmm, that's
not great.

Okay.

GIL: Are you ready to party?

Am I ready?
Do I have my

"been there,
wrecked that"
t-shirt on?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah! Oh.

I finally get to
pay you back

for throwing me
the best bachelor
party ever.

Yeah, Vegas was
pretty fun, right?

Pretty fun?
It was like we were
in The Hangover...

Especially that night
we were extras

in the club scene
in The Hangover.

Yeah, you know,
not a lot of people
get called

a poor man's
Zach Galifianakis
by Zach Galifianakis.

That guy made things
okay for guys like me.

Oh, hey, guess what
I did last night?

What'd you do
last night?
I'll tell you what I did.

Oh, I just spent
all night baking you

this sexy vagina cake.

Wow, that is
anatomically correct.

All right, first up,

your favorite bar.
TBD's.

What, what?
Then...

We're gonna head on
over to a high-class
burlesque show.

Where we can enjoy
breasts in an ironic
hipster fashion

that is somehow seen
as female empowerment.

So where are the guys?

Yeah, that's
a good question.

Let me give
'em a call.

(DIALING)

Cameron, Steve,
where you at?

You're missing
Jake's bachelor party.

Oh, perfect.

Outstanding.

All righty then.
Sounds good.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, bye.

They on their way?
Uh, no.

(SIGHS)
Apparently,
on the Evite

instead of
putting the 17th,

I did not send an Evite.

Huh. Well...

Mistakes happen,
right?

I mean, we'll
just reschedule.

Oh, hells to the no.

We're doing this.

Really? But...
Hey.

No buts, no cuts,

no coconuts.

Huh.

Okay, Myrna
just needs

a little push.
Oh.

Like when we were at camp,
and you pushed me off
that diving board?

You wanted that.
And because of you,

that cute lifeguard
gave me mouth to mouth.

You should probably
still learn how
to swim one day.

No, thanks.
Plus, most of my bikinis

are not supposed
to get wet.
(COMPUTER CHIMES)

(GASPS) "Are you there,
gorgeous?"

Yes, I am.
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

Oh, you bad girl.
I am Myrna.

Would you like
to come over

for a cup of coffee
this afternoon?

Oh, so that's
how you spell
"ha-cha-cha."

We are doing a really
good thing here.

(CHUCKLES) The goodest.

I hope TBD's
still has that
beer pong room

with all the sawdust
on the ground.

I always wondered,
is that a rustic thing

or just because of
all the vomit?

All I know is,
I'm going to buy you

as many flaming shots
as you can stomach,
(CHUCKLES)

and then I'm gonna
buy you four more.
Whoo!

Now, let's get
this party started!

Flaming shots.

Oh.

Maybe the flaming shots
were a bad idea,

what with the sawdust
and all.

Yeah, come to think of it,
this place was
a ticking time bomb.

Why is Chicago
so flammable?

Is it the wind here?

Hope nobody
died in here.
Oh, God, I hope not.

I'm sure we would've
heard about it
on the news.

Not necessarily.
People die all the time

they don't have
enough room
in the news for.

It can get boring
reading about
every person

that died in a fire.
That's probably true.

I see some flowers
over there.

It's one of those
little tribute things.
Oh.

Somebody died here.
Yeah.

Well, all right.

(SHIVERS)
Shake it off.

Continuing on to
the ironic
burlesque show.

I'm more than up for it.
You know...

I'm looking forward
to a little high-class
tongue-in-cheek stripping

by women with
Master's degrees.

Yeah, it's impossible
to get in unless
you know somebody.

Luckily, Cameron went
to Hebrew school
with the bouncer.

Damn it, no Cameron.

(SIGHS)
You know what, Gil?

Why don't we
just call it?

No. I owe you the best
bachelor party ever.

I have one more trick
up my sleeve.

Have you ever heard
of the Jersey Boys?

(LAUGHING)

Have I ever heard
of the Jersey Boys? No.

Me neither, but they
are right over there.

So let's get
this party started.

I'll get us two tickets
to Jersey Boys.

We got one ticket
to Jersey Boys.

So there's one ticket
for the two of us?

That's all they had.

But to be honest,
I read the review.
It's not my cup of tea.

"Kevin Connolly
as Frankie Valli."

Okay, I'll bite.

Great.
Bachelor party saved.

And while you're
in there rocking out
to the high pitched hits,

I'll be out here
rounding up
some more bros,

and we can get this
party started!

(CHUCKLES)
(DIALING)

Kay, this party
is not getting started.

I need you to help me
round up some bros.

I'm desperate here, girl.

Bros, girl. Bros!

All right.

If you could please
just finish the drawer
and leave

so that I can have
an afternoon in

with my afternoon zin.
ANNIE: Myrna...

So we've got some good
news and some bad news.
(MYRNA POURS DRINK)

Bad news is,
I just broke

one of your
other drawers.

Long story short,
your other drawer
is broken.

The good news is...

Charles is coming over.
(SQUEALS)

What?
You're welcome.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. I...no.
I don't want this.

But you do want this.
You are up on
that diving board,

and I am just giving
you a gentle push,

and you are going
to plunge

headfirst into love.
Love.

No diving.
No, I'm not diving.

No diving.
No, no, no, no.

You have to
cancel the date.

You...uh...
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

how do I cancel it?

How?
(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!
Did that cancel
the date?

Definitely not.
No.

* They don't cry-yi-yi!

Kevin Connolly
is Frankie Valli.

I mean,
this Jersey don't stink.

(LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLING)
Hey, bachelor.

I brought some
bros for you.

Ah.
It's your
fathers-in-law,

and one of your
fiancee's best friends.

Happy bachelor party!

(BLOWS NOISEMAKER)

I told him
not to do that.

Are you ready
to see some juicy,
gushy, gushy

and a side of tig
old bitties

grinding all up
against your joystick?

Well, you know,
I am a sucker for some

sweet, gushy, gushy
with a side of
tig old bitties

but not anymore,

because I'm...

with your daughter now
and now all we do is pray.

It's okay.
GIL: Don't worry.

GIL: They're on board.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Wait, oops, something
vibrating in my pants.

Ah, buzzkill.
It's my mom.
Hold on one second.

MYRNA:
(ON PHONE) Jake.
Hey.

Annie is trying
to get me to have sex

with a stranger
from the internet.
Okay.

Well, before I make
any judgment about this,

I'd like to hear Annie's
side of the story.

Hey, hon.
Um, what's going on?

I'm trying to get your
mom to have sex with
a stranger from the internet.

What?
Listen...

Good news.
Your mom actually
does want to date.

What are you
talking about?

Well, she signed up
for this senior
dating site,

and she's been
chatting with this guy
for over a month,

and I googled him,
and he seems great.

He's a doctor...

of medicine, not jazz.
I double checked.

I'm sorry.
I'm sure he's fine.

I just don't know
if she's ready yet.

What? But this morning
we talked about
how she's lonely

and it's kind of
a bummer.

I mean, this is
the perfect solution.

Is it? I mean,
the other solution

could just be
to stay lonely.

You know, sort of a noble
lighthouse keeper vibe.

Do you have a problem
with your mom dating?

It's not like you're
an 11-year-old boy

whose parents are divorced
and now you're
forced to go fishing

with your Tae Kwon Do
instructor/stepdad
while you pee your pants.

Well, when you put it
like that, no.
Great.

Now, you just enjoy
your super awesome
bachelor times.

Well, okay,
but...oh, hey...
and now she's gone.

(GASPING)
Good news.

Your sexual surprise
is on its way.

I bet you can't
guess what it is.

I'll give you
a little hint.

it did not have
a great relationship

with its father
growing up.

Okay, you know what?
I feel like
the bachelor party

has come to a natural
stopping point,

and that's cool, okay?

We can just resched,

and now we can all go
back to our respective
moms' houses.

All right?
Really?

I brought, like,
50 party horns.

And if that's not
a bachelor party,

I don't know what is.

Well, that's not
a bachelor party.

I told you, I don't
know what it is.

Krystal.
Ho.

What up, Kay?
Hey, girl.

Who is my bachelor?

Because I told my manager
at Lady Foot Locker

that I was just goin'
to the bathroom,

so we gots
to make this quick.

Right behind you.

Hi.
Let's do this.

Oh, here? We're
gonna do it right in
the middle of the street

in front of the theater.

Yeah. Yeah.
Uh-huh.

Hey, is that a wound?

C-section scar.

See, this is my first gig
since Brayden was born.

Oh, congratulations.

I know a Brayden.
Thank you.

Do you like that?
Well...

Do you like it?

It's a bit of
a mixed bag, I guess.

Wow.

It was just
a wine spill.
Yeah.

most of the repairs
I get called out

to do are fluid related.

Don't wanna put
too much thought
into that.

Myrna, we are
T-minus 20 minutes

before Mr. Handsome
appears at your door.

Love connection's
happening, y'all.

Look, um...

I don't know if
I can do this.

I mean, Charles
seems great, honestly.

But I haven't dated
in a coon's age.

I mean, the last time
I went on a date,

people still said
"coon's age."

Yeah, they
don't anymore.

Myrna, you're
gonna be fine.

I'm not worried
about me.

I'm worried
about Jake.

Wait, what do you mean?

Well, Jake took our
divorce really hard.

He always hoped
that Don and I would
get back together.

But Don's dead.

May God bless him
and just keep him.

Jake will be fine.

I know he wants
you to be happy.

I don't even know
how to date anymore.

What do I do
with my hair?

Where am I gonna
get a bouffant
at this hour?

Well, "maybe you don't,"
is the answer.

What about
undergarments?

Oh, I usually
just don't wear any.

Okay. I think what
this event calls for

is a classic
girls on girl
makeover.

Oh, yes, please!

All right, but I
don't want to wear
jeans like a whore.

I'm wearing jeans.

BOTH: Oh.

KRYSTAL: If you
want this dance,

we better get to
your place quick, Gil.

Lady Foot Locker
waits for no lady.

GIL: What the hell is this?

Oh, it's the AIDS Trot.

Oh, we'll never
get through this.

Traffic will be
snarled for hours.

Okay, just 'cause
we're stuck

doesn't mean we can't
get this party started.

Oh, there they are.
Yeah.

KRYSTAL:
* Big girls don't cry

GIL: Come on, guys.

* Silly boy

* You're my girl

* We had to break up

* Silly boy
Okay, all right.

Hey, that's it.
Sorry. I'm sorry.

I can't do this
anymore.

What, did I do
something wrong?

No, no, no, no,
no, you were great.

You did what
you do so well.

It's just, I just
can't stop thinking
about my mom.

I heard that. I can't stop
thinking about my baby.

Okay, that's it.
I'm calling it.

Clearly, this is
the worst party

in the history
of bachelor parties.

Damn it.
All I wanted

was for you to have
a super sick time.

Well, I am nauseated.

You know, Gil,
think about it.

Your marriage
was terrible.

Thanks for
reminding me.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
So by the inverse property
of bachelor parties,

a great bachelor party
equals a terrible marriage.

Wherein a terrible
bachelor party

equals a great marriage.

I'll take it.

Maybe we should
all go home just
to make it even worse.

Now, how am I gonna
get around
this AIDS Trot?

I got to get to my
mom's house

before some creepo
runs his pruney fingers
through my mom's hair.

Bad news. There is no way
around the AIDS Trot,

but I think it winds up
in your mom's hood.

Just follow
the sea of humanity.

Oh, my God.
Kay, you're right.

Hey, thanks, Gil,
for the worst
bachelor party ever,

and I mean that
in a good way.

He is so sweet.
Look how he care
about his mama.

Goodbye, friends...

and Krystal.

BOTH: Bye.
Bye, baby.

ANNIE: Myrna...

I wish I could
do that catcall
whistle thing,

but I can't whistle.
Me neither.

Sometimes I'll
get one of those
whistling boogers,

but that's the closest
I've ever come.

Doesn't matter.
You look beautiful,
Myrna!

Thank you.

(SIGHS) Well...

I'm ready to
rejoin the game,

which is something
I heard this morning
on Queen Latifah.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, my gosh.

Here comes romance.

(DOOR LOCKS SHUT)
Myrna?

Myrna.
I'm not coming out.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Dennah, get the door.

Okay.
Myrna? Myrna?

Hi, you
must be Charles.

Wow, you should
really change your
profile picture.

(LAUGHING)
No, I'm Dennah.

Myrna is just...

She's almost ready.
Mmm-hmm.

Come on in.

It's just a little joke.
I wasn't actually...
(CHUCKLING)

you know.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Have a seat
in the living room.

She'll be out in a sec.

MYRNA: I'm never
coming out.

Oh, God.

Those flowers
are beautiful.
The flowers, love 'em.

They're really great.
So pink.
So nice.

(ANNIE KNOCKS ON DOOR)
ANNIE: Myrna.

Charles seems like
a really great guy.

He drives an Audi,
which shows he's classy

and likes a quality vehicle
but isn't ostentatious.

What color Audi?
Navy blue, I think.

As long as
it's not white.

White is a classless
color for a car.

I can't do this.

I don't want
to hurt Jake,

and it's too soon
for me to start
dating again.

It's been 15 years.

Then we moved
to Maryland

and had our eldest,
Matthew,

and that's where I finished
my surgical residency
at Johns Hopkins.

I think you mean
John Hopkins.

Ah, no, no.
It's Johns.

Oh, like Ruth's Chris?

Um, yeah.

Ah. Myrna will be
out in a second.

You know women.
(CHUCKLES)

Hair spray,
under-eye concealer,

dark spot bleaching cream,

tweezing that
one black hair
right on your chin.

Where does it
come from?

For weeks,
there's nothing,
and then bam,

there's an inch-long hair
right on your chin.

And I'm revealing
too much about myself.

Cold feet?
Do you want
a blanket?

Uh, no, no.

I could overhear your
whole conversation.

I know that Myrna
has cold feet.

Rats.
Okay.

CHARLES: No, no,
it's okay. I understand.

I lost my wife
a few years ago,

and this is
my first date.

I'm actually as nervous
as a pheasant upon the moors.

I'm literally
that nervous.

I'm now inventing
British-sounding phrases.

(CHUCKLES)
No idea what to wear.

I mean, are
sans-a-belt slacks

even in style
anymore?
No.

I think Myrna is just
gonna adore you.

Well, I'm all
finished, guys.

I saw a few wonky drawers.
I can fix those too.

I'll come back tomorrow.
You just need
a few more screws.

A few more screws?

What?
She's mom,
you cyber pervert.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tae Kwon Do!
(GRUNTING)

ANNIE:
Jake! Jake!

No, Jake. Jake.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

You should be.
You're gonna be fine.

It was only a few seconds
of oxygen deprivation.

About the same
as drinking a yard
of margarita.

Oh, I've been there.

Got the Girls Gone Wild
booty shorts to prove it.

I'm so sorry, Barry.
I just...

I thought you were
defiling my mother,
when...

actually the defiler's
right here!

Oh, my God! Jake!
(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

I am so sorry.
This is not me.

I'm sorry.
Not a big deal.

I'm just glad to
see my Krav Maga
training paid off.

The martial art
of a very
oppressed people.

Good work, Jews.

Look, I would be
protective of my
mom too.

Myrna's a great lady.

I'll be back next week
with screws

for your mom's drawers.

Well, that could also
be misinterpreted.
I'm a go.

Yeah, I should
probably leave too.
(DOOR CLOSES)

(CLEARS THROAT)
I think I've caused
enough problems.

Deuces, Chuck.

No, Charles.
Please don't go.

Jake, could I talk to you
in the kitchen, please?
Why?

Ow.

Excuse us.
Oh, God.

He wants to leave.

Please, have a seat.

Jake, what
are you doing?

What do you mean,
what am I...
She's my mom.

And she's lonely,
and there's
a really nice guy

who wants to take her
for a cup of coffee,

but she's locked
in her bedroom.

Well, if she's not
ready to date,

then I guess
she's not ready.

She is ready.
She's just scared,

and she didn't date
for a long time

because she was
trying to protect you.

She was
protecting me.
Yeah.

Despite the fact
that you are
a full-grown man.

Look, your mom
deserves to be happy,

and I think
the only person

that can give her
that push to try is you.

Well...

Charles does seem
pretty nice, you know?
Yeah.

Gentle, but firm...

Pants that aren't belted
that somehow stay up.
You know, how?

Who can say?

(SIGHS) Fine.

Okay, you're right,
you're right, you're right.
I'll go talk to her.

Thank you.

Mom, it's Jake.

Oh, honey.
How are you?

I'm just in here
cleaning the duvet.

Well, I think you
should come out here
and meet Charles.

He seems pretty great.
Charles? Who's Charles?

I would never have a man here.
It must have been Annie.

She's always inviting
internet men over.
Look...

I think it would be
great if you
started to date.

I genuinely do.

You do?

It wouldn't upset you?

No. No, of course, not.

I was just worried
about you, you know?

I remember how hard
the divorce was.

You know, look,
I just want you
to be happy.

How does Charles seem?

How does he seem?
Yeah.

Well, nice build.
Looks like he was handsome

back in the day,
and also today.

What are his hands like?

What are his hand...

I don't know.
They're shaking
but large.

That's a good combination.

Oh, oh

Does he seem
physically capable?

You know,
strong hips?

Yes.
Because you know,

the stereotype
of the housewife

who doesn't want sex,
that wasn't me.

Ah...okay,
just come out,

and let's not ever
talk about this again.

Some voids can never be
filled, but mine could.

Mom, get your
ass out here.

You look very nice.

Thank you.

(INAUDIBLE)
Charles, I'd like you
to meet my mom.

Mom, this is Charles.

Wow, uh, hello, Myrna.

Gosh, nice to
finally meet you,

and you are even
prettier in person.

Thank you.
(CHUCKLES)

Uh, would you
like a glass of wine?

Do you by any chance
have a nice zin?

I do.

I do. Um...

Follow me.

Go, go, go.

CHARLES:
Oh, beautiful cabinets.

You have more
storage in here than...

somebody with
an awful lot of storage.
(CHUCKLES)

Ah, romance.

CHARLES: Ooh,
how do you like that
front-loading washer?

MYRNA:
It has great
load capacity.

Yesterday, I washed
three pillows.

They are having
pillow talk, literally.

Thank you.

That's the happiest
I've ever heard her.

Oh, you're welcome.

Hey, how was
the bachelor party?

Oh, terrible. Yeah.

I'm sober, and I didn't
see anybody naked.

But, Kevin Connolly
is a revelation.

Yes! That is what
every fiancee
wants to hear.

JAKE: All right,
are you ready?

No, you think you're
ready, but you're not.

ALL: Ah!

Ma'am, please put
your pants back on!

I am a lesbian,
and even I don't
want a piece of that.

Apparently,
it's based on
his ex-wife.

Except the cake
didn't leave in
the middle of the night.

No. No.
JAKE: Look.

I'm hungry,
and I want cake,
but...

I feel like it
would be a sex crime
to eat this thing.

Okay, maybe I can cut it
when no one's looking.

(SLICING CAKE)
So maybe if
I just slice...

Ew, you're gonna
start there?

It's even anatomically
correct on the inside.

Are those licorice
fallopian tubes?

Gross.

What is oozing
out of that thing?

A sweet ricotta.

That's disgusting.
I cannot eat that.

Okay, fine.
I made popsicles too.

Chocolate or vanilla?

Nope. No.