Original subtitles

Ugh.

The refrigerator's packed with so much Chinese,

it's like...China.

They are experiencing a real population boom,

from what I've overheard.

Hey, is this last week's corn chowder

or eggnog from our Christmas in July party?

It's actually the waffle batter

from our Fourth of July in December party.

Okay, a few things. A, gross.

B, we got to start throwing this food away.

And three, are we getting too cute with our parties?

Maybe, but we have to do Groundhog Day of the Dead.

Yeah.

Ooh, what are you doing, white Daddy Warbucks?

Don't throw that out. It's wasteful.

It's not wasteful. It's normal, okay?

A refrigerator isn't a time machine.

Time doesn't stop when you put food in there.

That's what a freezer's for, stopping time.

Sue me! I save food.

I'm a child of the depression.

That both my fathers went into

after The Golden Girls went off the air.

They stopped cooking.

I had to live off food I squirreled away in my caboodle.

Hey, what is a caboodle, anyway?

And is it always paired with a kit?

Always. Always?

Never not. Kit and caboodle.

Hey, so Kay's on her way up.

Do you want to get dressed, or...

What do you mean? I'm already dressed.

Maybe you want to dress your arms?

Baby, sun's out, guns out.

Well it's overcast.

Huh? Well, uh, gray skies, display bi's.

I don't think that's a thing.

Hey! My girlfriend's such a bitch.

JAKE: Oh, well. It was fun while it lasted.

But you know what, Kay?

You're not really a relationship person anyway.

And was Hayley even that great?

We're still together.

Yes, is...to answer my own question.

Absolutely. She's the best and the best for you.

Does she like me?

Kay, what happened? Ugh.

Haley's planning some amazing Valentine's Day surprise for me.

[SCOFFS] That...bitch?

What... No.

Uh, I'm tagging out. I'm tripping all over myself here.

It's just that now I have to surprise her with something amazing too,

and I've got nothing.

I'm not used to being in a relationship on Valentine's Day.

Whoa. Did you guys have a party last night?

Why so many boxes?

Oh, it's just some takeout.

Star of Hunan?

This place closed down a year ago.

You got to throw this out.

It's dangerous to keep food too long.

My neighbor's uncle's friend ate an expired English muffin.

Turned out it was riddled with fungus that spread to his head,

and he had to have his entire face scooped out!

He went to sleep, and when he woke up, no face.

Just a big, scoopy hole.

Ew. Oh, my God.

Thank you, Kay.

We got to get rid of all of this!

Really? You listen to Kay but not your betroth-ed?

I don't want a scoopy hole!

I like my face.

And, yeah, I've got notes, but it's a keeper.

♪ Oh, no

♪ Hey!

♪ Can't hold me back

♪ Can't hold me back from you ♪

Happy President's Day!

BOTH: Happy President's Day!

You guys look fabulous.

Thanks.

[GASPS] Wow! Mmm-hmm.

It is so great that you do this.

Why do you do this?

Well, it's a tradition that I started

four score and seven years ago

when I was single.

Cute.

It was a way to have a party around Valentine's Day

where nobody felt bad about being alone

or possibly dying alone.

Kevin and I met at his very first party.

I still get a little flutter in my heart

every time I see a stovepipe hat.

Aww!

Actually, I should probably have that looked at by a cardiologist.

Terry?

We'll be back.

Hey! Ooh. George Washington and...

Wait, Dennah. Who are you?

Duh! I'm hot FDR.

My skirt's a sexy blanket,

and my roller skates are a sexy wheelchair.Mmm.

Kay, where's Haley?

I thought you two were attached at the vag?

Ah, she's probably off planning some amazing,

spectacular Valentine's Day surprise for me.

Well, as always, I'm going to crush Valentine's Day.

Jimmy Stewart?Ronald Reagan.

Yeah, Reagan.

Anyway, I got reservations for Honest Abe and I at...

Wait for it.

Where?

Wait for it...

We've waited long enough.

No, the name of the restaurant is Wait For It.

Oh, no, wait. I've heard of this place.

It's called Wait For It.

It's like a 25-course,

four-hour dining experience, hence the name.

That's that molecular gastronomy place.

Caper vapor, cream cheese foams,

deep dish pizza noise.

That place is impossible to get into it.

How'd you get a rezzie on Valentine's Day?

Oh, yeah. I called a year ago

and I put down a crazy expensive

non-refundable deposit,

but you know,

it's all worth it for my beautiful little...frog.

Uh, hey, babe, maybe you want to stop tonguing the popcorn?

Why would I get oil on my fingers

when God gave me this corn grabber?

That place sounds pretty cool, Jake.

I've always wanted to eat weird science food.

At a restaurant, not in a car of a married math teacher.

[LAUGHING]

Girl, you have got to stop doing that.

What? Eating like a cartoon lizard.

Jake's right. It's not a good look.

And a lady's tongue should be saved for special occasions.

Don't you think?

You know, Kate, you're right.

Should we get a drink?BOTH: Yes.

This is crazy.

Anytime I suggest anything to Annie, she ignores me,

but then Kay will suggest the exact same thing

and she immediately does it.

Oh, my God. I have an amazing idea.

Yes.

We should get popcorn.

Why isn't anybody listening to me?

You better be careful when you open that.

Don't worry, I do this twice a day. Okay.

[SCREAMS] Oh! My face skin!

My face skin!

Somebody call 911!

You call 911!

Oh, yeah, no, I'm gonna call 911.

Okay, party-goers. There's nothing to see here.

Just, uh, first degree burns

and a hunky fireman.

And a regular fireman.

So do you handsome first responders

see a lot of food-related tragedies?

Hard to call meeting a five-alarm hottie a tragedy,

but, yeah, this is Chicago.

Last month we had an Italian beef burn

and two scaldings from pierogi squirts.

I had the pierogi squirts yesterday.

Ugh. That's hilarious.

You want a hit of oxygen?

Yeah, sure. I practically live off the stuff.

Dude, you're on fire.

You know, you look like a friend I haven't met yet.

You and I could totally be bros.

Pound it.

Boom.[LAUGHS]

And maybe you and I could be bros with benefits.

So we talking HMO or PPO?

I'm talking DTF, and I can be your preferred provider.

[WOMAN OVER RADIO] Ladder 17.

We've got a two-alarm fire at Wicker Park.

Damn, I got to go, and I was just about to say something sexy

about how pants removal's covered by my deductible.

Oh, I would have loved to have heard that.

That was pretty much it.

Oh, that was good.

Stay cool, bro.

Hey, you too.

I should probably take that.

Hmm.

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

Wait! I didn't get your info!

There goes the love of my life.

Why is this city so flammable?

Jake, why don't you call first?

I'm right in the middle of making...nothing.

I was eating raw Bisquick. Come on in. Thanks.

Look, Kay. I'll get right to it.

You have a way with Annie, okay?

I mean, you got her to throw out all those old take out boxes.

You got her to stop performing popcorn-ilingus.

The tongue action is too much. I know.

But whenever I say anything,

she doesn't listen to me at all.

Well, you know, sometimes it's easier to hear it from a friend.

Exactly, which is why I need you to help me

help her change her for me.

Yeah, I don't know.

That seems wrong. Is it wrong?

I just want to make a couple of minor tweaks,

you know, that any couple would want to do.

I mean, aren't there things about Haley that you'd like to change?

Hmm. Oh, I do wish she'd stop eating seafood paella in bed.

Okay. So that's what I'm talking about!

I just... I just want Annie to change a couple things.

Like, ball up her socks, you know.

Take the keys out of the door.

Stop over-pronouncing croissant.

Ugh. Nobody wants to hear that at Burger King.

[SIGHS] I don't want to get all up in a couple's bid-ness.

Please! I want you in our bid-ness, all right?

Let's be bid-ness partners!

Your bid-ness is our relationship,

and bid-ness is boom... Stop.

Okay, look.

You're having a hard time planning Valentine's Day, right?

I crush Valentine's Day!

Remember my famous caviar balloon ride over Lake Michigan?

Oh, man, that was...

Not with Annie.

That was with a girl before Annie,

so I'd like you to just erase that from your mind.

Is it gone?

Good. But I can create the same magic for you.

I mean, I do want to do something special for Haley.

Okay. Okay.

Then just help me fix a few tiny things about Annie.

All right. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm in. Yeah?

Yeah. Bisquick?

Uh, absolutely, yeah.

You can't get a Valentine's reservation anywhere?

No. The best I could do is a 10:30 at the American Girl Doll Cafe,

but then we'd have to buy dolls.

I guess you could borrow Josephina

if you really need her, but she's shy, so...

No, I know. I know.

So Annie, what's with the socks?

You're folding 'em like Rain Manpacking for sleepaway camp.

You should ball 'em. Be a baller. Why?

Well, it makes way more room in your sock drawer or you and Jake,

plus you won't lose as many.

After I started balling, my sock budget dropped by 42.6%.

I'm really into Quicken.

My financial advisor did tell us

I need to cut back on leg wear,

and I stopped giving my social security number out all the time...

But I'll try it.

Ooh, I am hungry.

Do you have any of those...

Oh, those, uh, French bread moons?

You mean croissant?

Ugh, that is a rough way to say that.

Yeah, I have some,

and that's the right way to say that,

and you know I speak French.

You took it for a year.

Say one thing in French.

Croissant.

Ha-ha-ha.

Jean Valjean.

Yeah, just say Croissant.

You know what? You're right, Kay. My B. My B.

So what are your Valentine's plans

after you eat at Wait For It?

Hopefully doing it.

I got some special red lacy Spanx.

Oh, nice. See? That's my favorite part.

Who cares about the dinner?

I just want to get to the sexy times, you know.

There's just one thing.

I wish that Haley had something...

Yeah?

Down there.

Something I could...cup,

or palm,

or shake like dice.

I'm not sure I'm following.

I just really wish she had balls.

Wait, what? Why?

I don't know. They just seem like the sort of thing

that could be really great to pay more attention to, Annie.

Did Jake put you up to this? No.

Kay?

Annie?

Kay?

[HOARSELY] Annie?

I knew it!

I knew it was weird that you had an opinion on how I fold my socks!

And the whole croissant thing?

I mean, you say El Salvador.

It is El Salvador!

I mean, I'm sorry. I should have known

that mentioning Jake's dangle bag was a step too far,

but I got so cocky from doing well I had to go for it.

Well guess what?

I'm running you now,

and I've got a few things of my own

I'd like you to help me change about Mr. Perfect Jake.

Oh, see, this is why I really don't like

to get all up in couple's bid-ness!

Well you're in our bid-ness now!

You're a majority shareholder in our bid-ness,

so put on a bid-ness suit and go get an MBA

from one of the nation's top bid-ness schools...

All right. I get it.

Your face is looking so much better. Mmm-hmm.

My beard no longer crumbles when you touch it.

Oh, it's all thanks to that angel in fire-retardant pants.

I tried to track him down.

I even went to a firehouse pancake breakfast

and asked if anybody knew a meaty firefighter

with a Chicago accent,

but they're all that.

Well, I have a surprise.

That angel is on his way over!

No! How did you find him?

I called 911.

I'm pretty sure that's illegal. [DOORBELL RINGS]

Ooh, my God!

Is that him? Yes, yes, yes!

[GIL CLEARS THROAT] Okay.

What?

You're not hunky.

And you're not on fire,

so we were both expecting something different.

Did you call 911?

No. No.

Must have been my neighbor's dumb kid.

Listen though, since you're here,

you wouldn't happen to know a dark-haired chisel-jawed,

super-hunky firefighter?

Some would argue more hilarious than hunky?

No, but there's a ladder downtown

that has all the funny beefcakes.

They do a calendar every year,

and a comedy album.

Hmm.

We get a lot of fake phone calls for that ladder.

A lot of lonely perverts out there.

[SCOFFS] Amen.

Oh. Wait.Yeah.

We are idiots.

[SIGHS] We should have called from the place we originally saw him!

Yes! You're right!

Now all we have to do is go start a fire

in the Kevins' apartment.

Or we just call from there!

Or just call from there!

[SCREAMING EXCITEDLY]

Kay, it's a miracle.

She's eating popcorn with her hands.

She's ordering southwestern-style

triple bacon ham and cheese croissants, okay?

And she's balling her socks!

You don't say?

And I have great hope that moving into the future,

anything ball-related will be handled properly.

Fingers crossed.

All right. Now it is my turn to help you with Valentine's Day.

Step one.

Greet Haley with champagne

and homemade chocolate-covered strawberries.

Hmm, fancy.

Would you like to join me in the kitchen?

AKA our strawberrium.

Ooh, well thank you.

All right. Let's just get a little comfortable here.

Oh, what's happening here, Danny Aiello?

What? Oh, you're not vibing on my T-top?

It's not the sweltering summer of 1957,

and you're not an abusive husband drinking his way through forgetting the war.

Really? Is it that bad? Yeah.

They're called sleeves, buddy.

Duly noted.

Duly noted.

All right.

Well, first, you want to start with fresh straw...

[BURPS]

Aw, okay, and while we're at it,

can we talk about this whole burp catching thing?

It's not a rare butterfly.

What are you talking about?

So we want to stage a phony emergency

so we can lure our hunky firefighter back here.

BOTH: Been there.

BOTH: What?

Anyway, all I got to do is call 911,

and voila, we're living in a Valentine's Day rom-com,

or in my case, a com-sans-rom.

Well, that is a terrible waste of taxpayer funds,

but get it, girl.

Yay!

Ah, you guys are the best.

All right. Our place is yours. Yeah.

We'll be back in a few hours

for our big Valentine's Day plans.

We're gonna watch Gary Marshall's Valentine's Day.

Some of our activities are pretty first-thought.

Yeah.

Hey! Ooh, that's a comfy long-sleeved tee. Oh, yeah.

All of a sudden I'm over the whole tank top thing.

You know, there's kind of a quiet dignity

in having it, but not flaunting it.

Wow. You're really growing.

And I noticed you're not doing that whole burp-catch thing,

or quoting Howard Stern three times a conversation anymore.

You know what?

There's a time and a place for Baba Booey.

I think... I think I'm old enough to know that now.

Hey, and I've noticed you've been doing some changing too.

You know? You're what I would cleverly call

a real sock-baller croissant-caller.

Annie, I have never loved you more.

Sorry, what... What was that?

I said I have never loved you more.

Wait, what do you mean you've never loved me more?

I mean, does that mean you loved me less

before I made these changes?

No. Not at all. No, I've always loved you.

What are you talking about?

No, it's just I never thought I could love you more, but I did

but I did because, you know, you're like a new and improved Annie.

Now that I'm the Annie who's doing everything

the way you want it to be done.

Say what? Yeah. The gig is up.

The "gig"? It's jig.

Oh, so now you're trying to control my hard and soft Gs?

It's a J. I know you tried to get Kay to brainwash me.

Oh. Okay, look, before you get mad...

Hey, guess what, pal? Two can play at that jame.

You know it's game. Yeah, It is game.

It's game on, because I used Kay to manipulate you too.

I mean, take a look at yourself.

What do you... [GASPS] Sleeves!

You don't control me, Jake,

and if I want a fridge full of old food...

What are you doing? So be it.

No! Uh, no... I put dog poop in there.

Yeah, we don't have a dog.

Ah, we don't have a dog, Jake. What are you doing?

Okay, Annie, can we just talk, please?

So now you want to talk to my face

instead of making Kay do your dirty work?

I did talk to you face to face, but you didn't listen!

It's a little hard to listen

when you're burping into your fist and catching it.

You did that too.

How dare you make me ball my socks?

I mean, they don't need to be together all the time!

Let them be free!

Fly!

Just fly, little birdies!

You'd have better luck chucking 'em if you balled them.

[GRUNTS]

Happy Valentine's Day, Baba Bowie.

It's Baba Booey!

Baba Booey!

Happy Valentine's Day!

So wait, are hunky firefighters gonna come in here

and my toe is gonna be stuck in the faucet?

Is this even a thing that happens?

Oh, yeah. I read about it online.

The article did turn out to be from a Penthouseforum,

but still, it went pretty well for everyone involved.

Okay. Let's do it.

All right.

Ow! Ow! Ow, ow, ow.

Your foot's too fat!

I used to be a foot model!

Plus-size.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Girl, can I ask you a question?

Oh, my God.

Is this all a little desperate, what we're doing?

No! It's a meet-cute, come on!

It... It feels a little bit like a meet-sad, to be honest.

Maybe we should just bail.

No! No, no, no. I don't want to bail.

[SIGHS] It's just, I've never been alone on Valentine's Day,

and it's got me feeling really sad.

What if this is, like, the first of a streak

of lonely Valentine's Days for me?

Okay, first of all, it's not gonna be.

Second of all, you're not alone, you're with me.

So why don't the two of us go out to dinner

and celebrate a new holiday?

Pal-entine's Day.

Popcorn?

Sorry, I would, but popcorn goes straight to my arms,

which the whole world is about to see a hell of a lot more of!

You know what the world is not gonna see more of?

Balls, either in sock form or me playing with yours form.

Oh, that cute little wordplay didn't work,

but I got the gist of it.

Happy Valentine's Day, love bugs!

Hey, can we borrow your copy

of Gary Marshall's Valentine's Day...

Uh. Uh-oh.

Never mind. Go, go, go, go.

Sit!

And then he said he didn't love me

until I did all these things his way.

Objection! That's not what I said at all!

I tried to talk to you nicely about all of this stuff.

Okay. Let's just let the Kevins be the judge.

What say you, Kevins?

Well, I think you're both wrong. Yup.

BOTH: What?

Guys, look. It's hard to be critiqued by your partner.

It just is,

but we've developed a technique that works for us.

KEVIN 2: Yeah. You have to learn how to package your criticism

in what we like to call the compliment sandwich.

Bread.

You smell nice, like sage.

Meat. When you clip your toenails on the balcony,

it makes me want to stab you in the throat!

Bread.

You've got nice handwriting.

You do. Mmm-hmm.

Bring it right around.

I clip my toenails on the balcony

because you hate toenail clippings in the bathroom.

The neighbors can see you.

You even flicked a nail into Mrs. Hernandez's frittata.

I don't care about her frittata.

She called you fat.

I think you look thin.

BOTH: Bread.

See? You guys just need to learn

how to do the compliment sandwich.

It's what's kept us together for, like, ever.

Compliment sandwich.

You're right.

Look, Jake.

I've got stuff I need to work on,

but I guess I just dig in really hard

when it comes from you for some reason.

I want you to think I'm perfect.

You are perfect, you know, and I dig in too.

I'm sorry.

You know what? We should get out of here.

I need to stop by the airport Sheraton

so that I can get a room to clip my toenails.

Oh, I wish you would. I wish you would.

You know, I wouldn't mind so much

if you just pick 'em up off of the bathroom floor.

KEVIN 1: The rug is so fuzzy I can't find them!

KEVIN 2: Who picked the fuzzy rug? You!

Who picked the fuzzy rug?You! You!

I worry about them sometimes.

Yeah, me too.

You know, it's sad when couples aren't super solid like us.

We should get them something.

Maybe.

See? It's not so bad spending Valentine's Day with a friend.

This is surprisingly fun,

and the bachelor's special,

two footlongs, a bag of coleslaw,

and unlimited squirts from soda hose?

This is darn near heaven.

Thanks, Gil.

You're welcome.

[CHOKING]

Is he okay?

Coming through. Coming through.

Hero coming through here.

This the guy? Seriously?

[GASPS] It's you!

Chuckles and Boobs!

Sorry. I, uh, never got your names.

No need to apologize. It's perfect for both of us.

I'm Boobs, right?

For days. Oh.

I'm so glad I found you guys!

GIL: We are too.

Please help, I'm tasting copper.

Please help me.

Oh, right. I gotta...

Yeah. This guy.

Oh, okay. You smell good.

GIL: Thanks.

Now this is a perfect Valentine's Day.

Hmm. You know?

And those Spanx were real nice, you know?

Kept it in when it was supposed to be,

and then let loose when called upon.

I was looking forward to Wait For It.

Every time.Yeah.

Every time.

But I'm really glad you suggested we stay inside instead.

Wait a second, I didn't suggest that.

I mean, Kay planted it in my head, but that was your idea.

Hmm-mmm. No.

She planted it in my head,

so I thought it was your idea.

Oh, my God.

BOTH: Ooh.

Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart.

Mmm.

How did you get us in here?

It was not easy.

No, actually, it was really easy.

More filet mignon essence, Mr. Schuffman?

Oh, yes, please.

Oh!

Mmm.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

That is the best filet mignon I've ever not had.

Mmm.

I'm starving.

Right? Oh, my God.

Let's polish off these glasses

and go get some real food. Yes.

Cheers.Cheers.

Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Katelyn Sedia, you bitch.

That devious little minx.

Wow.

Oh, I am just now realizing that her name is quesadilla.

Yeah.