Original subtitles

JAKE: That ballet was awesome!

You know what my favorite part was... Oh!

ANNIE: The bar. We had a lot of drinks.

JAKE: We killed three bottles of wine.

Look, look. I'm a ballerina lady.

Leapy thing. First position.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, ooh.

What if you and I do a first position?

Like, with sex.

[LAUGHS] Oh, okay.

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

You're gumming up my spokes.

Oh.Oh, hey.

Atlas, right?

Sorry about that. We're just in love.

Sometimes it gets on things.

Yeah, we didn't mean to mess with your bike.

It's not a bike. It's a penny-farthing.

Ooh, excuse me. Oh.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Didn't mean to mess with your penny-farthing.

Sorry.Uh, okay.

Sorry. Ow, ow!

Okay, bye, sorry. [STRUMS]

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Oh, my God. That guy is so pretentious!

Yeah. Leaving his old-timey bike in the lobby?

Having an old-timey bike in the first place?

Yeah, and what non-Renaissance human plays the lute?

I love this apartment,

but some of our neighbors are uh-not great.

Oh. Case in point.

"Building Art Show"?

JAKE: Oof! You know what we need to do.

[LAUGHS] Of course I do.

It's not my first barbecue.

Eh, pen please.

There you go. [CHUCKLES]

Okay.[LAUGHS]

There.

Oh, my gosh. It's brilliant.

We're brilliant!

So clever. So important.

I have never been more in love with you.

[WHISTLING]

♪ Oh, no ♪ Hey

♪ Can't hold me back

ANNIE: Ugh, I'm so hungover!

Despite how badly we're suffering for it,

last night was fu-u-un!

So fun!

I think I passed out with my finger in your...

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]Dads?

Uh-oh, I suppose you two forgot

that you invited us over here for brunch.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry!

I totally forgot.

This feels more like a pants-on conversation.

So I guess the frittata you promised

won't be making an appearance?

You expected food?

Sweetie, you literally said, "Come hungry."

Why do you keep listening to me?

Well, we have good news and bad news.

The RSVPs for your wedding are all in,

and the good news is, everyone's coming! [SQUEALS]

The bad news is, everyone is coming.

What?

In this case, the good news and bad news are the same.

Yeah.

People keep adding plus-ones and plus-twos,

and who are we to tell Aunt Karen and Uncle Teddy

that they can't bring their boyfriend?

What? Oh, Aunt Karen's in a throuple.

People are writing in names?

This is a wedding invite,

not a political ballot thingy!

Have you ever voted? Yes.

JAKE: Have you? ANNIE: Mmm-hmm.

Who'd you vote for?

I voted for myself for class president.

Anyway, we are one away from the venue's capacity,

but do not worry,

we have come up with a solution.

If Dennah, Kay, and Gil

all agree that only one of them can bring a plus-one,

then we're okay.

And they're all still single, aren't they?

Oh, God, yes.[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Who's gonna tell them? Not it.

Oh no, I can't. I love them.

Don't worry. We will take care of that for you.

We'll call that our wedding present to you.

Aw! Thanks, Dads!

Along with a real wedding present, right?

Yeah, we were expecting something substantial.

Thought we were paying for the wedding, but sure, yeah.

[DOORBELL RINGS LOUDLY] [ANNIE EXCLAIMING]

Why are they making bells so loud nowadays?

Let's get 'em a new doorbell.

You want to? Mmm-hmm.

Ay-yi-yi! Building alert!

Aah! Oh, hi, Julie.

And for what would you like us to apologize today?

Listen, I don't have time for your humor jokes.

I am here to inform you that there is an emergency meeting

because there has been a hate crime in our building.

Poor Mr. Kwan!

What? No, it's not Mr. Kwan.

Oh, no. It's Mrs. Rubenstein.

No. Fat Olga?

The mad Greek? No-Legs Jenny?

No, her legs... She has them,

she just... They don't work.

[WHISPERS] Black Benny? It's just Benny.

Annie, sweetie, just stop guessing.

You're kind of digging a ditch. Guys.

I need everybody to focus up here, okay?

George in 8A is putting on the building's art show,

and some hate monger defaced his sign with the F-word.

[WHISPERING] Fart.

[LAUGHS] But that's such a hilarious word.

How could that be a hate crime?

Hilarious?

George is a longtime sufferer of IBS.

Irritable bowel syndrome? Okay.

It's a debilitating disease that should not be taken lightly!

He can't spend more than 15 minutes away from a bathroom!

How was he going to do the art show?

Quickly! Yeah, no, that stinks.

All right.

I mean, that's a crappy situation.

I get it. It's a play on words.

Oh, God, I'm having diarrhea of the mouth.

Save it for the funny pages, Calvin and Hobbes.

I didn't mean any of that! I didn't... Oh!

You meant all that, right?

More than anything I've ever meant.

So all the RSVPs are in for Annie's wedding.

We crunched all the numbers, did some maths...

Did you know that there's a calculator on my phone?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

And there's only one plus-one left,

which means only one of you gets to bring a date to the wedding.

Oh, my God! Gil, Kay.

I'm so sorry you guys can't bring someone.

What? Why would you get the plus-one?

I need it.

There's nothing more pathetic than being single

at your best friend's wedding. I can't.

I mean, I won't. I can't, I just can't.

My mom can't be right.

It's way more important for me to bring a date!

I'm divorced. Everybody thinks I'm a loser.

Exactly! One wedding's not gonna change anybody's mind.

Look, you guys can fight for this.

I don't mind going stag. More single ladies for me.

I am a playa, and my instrument is the ba-gina.

Kay nasty!

Yes, I am. I am nasty.

Mmm!

You better know it. You better know it!

Huh! You don't even know what I do.

You don't even know! Ha!

So to settle this, I thought we would just flip a coin.

Which we did, and I won,

so I got to decide how we decide.

And I decided

it's a Wedding Date Duel-Down!

And the only rule is there are no rules!

I always wanted to say that.

And now you have, so don't ever say it again.

So, Gil, Dennah,

rustle up your prospective wedding dates.

Come over to our house tomorrow,

and we will decide

which couple is wedding-worthy.

A date by tomorrow? That's fast!

[LAUGHS] I mean...

Not for me.

Gil, are you scared?

Only for your mom. What?

I know she just had that break-in recently.

Will you tell her I'm thinking of her?

Mmm, she'll be fine.

ANNIE: So we'll just walk into this meeting and confess.

I'm sure it's just Julie doing her Julie overreacting thing.

I'm sure nobody cares about this "hate crime."

Who would care?

[INDISTINCT TALKING]Oh, Lordy!

Did you hear?

No, what's going on, Mr. Davis?

Oh, please. Call me Black Benny.

Oh, I don't feel comfortable with that.

The co-op board is out for blood.

They say that whoever did this is gonna get a strike.

Oh, a strike?As they should.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]A strike.

Yeah. Three strikes and you get evicted.

We already have two strikes.

I take responsibility for that mailroom fire,

but I maintain that dog I rescued was not a wolf!

BENNY: They will pay!

ALL: Yeah!

You know, confessing is overrated.

You know what's underrated?

Cowering out of a meeting like little tiny bitch babies.

Totally agree.

Hey, babe.

Why are you so out of breath?

Did you get scared in the trash room again?

I told you, there is no such thing as a garbage Gollum.

I have seen things in that chute.

Why won't you believe me?

But no, I took the steps.

I couldn't face our neighbors in the elevator.

Well, you're gonna have to face them tonight

at Julie's Carefrontation.

"Let us come together to end the hate.

"Renters not welcome."

Annie, we can't go to this.

As soon as they see my face,

they're gonna know that I'm the mastermind behind the F-word, okay?

And then they're gonna give us a third strike and evict us!

Look at me! Do I look innocent to you?

[GULPS] Hey, hey, hey!

We have to go to this Carefrontation thingy,

or we're gonna look guilty as all "hurl"!

Okay, it's why killers go to their victims' funerals,

to throw people off the scent.

But won't Julie know that,

and she'll be looking for the guilty person

at the Carefrontation?

No, because she would know that the perp would know

that she would be looking for them there,

so only a not-guilty person would go!

I am working on, like, six different levels here, buddy!

Please keep up with me.

Wow, that was impressive.

You know a lot about crime.

I'm, like, drained from that.

You're like a regular Sherlock Holmes with great jugs.

Thank you. I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

And speaking of which, may I seize them?

Absolutely. Whip 'em out!

WES: Very nice.

And let's go into side plank, please.

Oh, wow. Namast-hey, girl!

[CHUCKLES] Um...

You know how you offered me private lessons?

I was thinking maybe we could

just have a relationship instead?

Yes!

I've felt a spiritual connection to you for some time, Dennah.

In fact, I send you deep tantric vibrations

that you may not even be aware of.

My God, I think I felt them.

Like, I've had this tingling and chills and a slight rash.

I was told it might be shingles.

No, that was me.

And let's all go into up dog, please.

Up dog, very simple pose.

No, Dennah, not like that. Like this.

You're doing it right, I just didn't want them to be jealous.

Oh, thank you.

You know, in my mind,

we've been in a relationship

already for about three months.

I feel so close to you,

and it's not just because

I can feel your thang on my leg.

And let's all close our eyes

and mind our own business, please.

Cassie.

What are you doing at my office, Gil?

I already told you, you're not getting custody of the parakeet.

I know, this is not about Meredith Baxter Bird-ney.

I get it... A child needs to be with its mom.

I already changed her name, anyway... It's now Larry Bird.

I thought we agreed that's too on the nose.

If we were going to change the name,

it was supposed to be Feather Locklear.

I don't think she's classy enough.

I don't like that actress. Okay, relax!

That's not why I'm here anyway.

I came here to ask you

if you would attend Jake and Annie's wedding with me.

What? No way.

I hate them, and they hate me.

Please, please, please. I'm desperate.

I already asked every other woman I know

and some who were just looking to buy a futon

on Craigslist that I listed under false pretenses.

That is how we met.

Please?

All right!Hmm?

I'll go, I'll go!Yes!

Little hitch...

First, you are gonna have to come to Annie's dads' with me

and prove that you're wedding-worthy.

What? And while we're there,

do you think you could go against

all your natural instincts and act like you like me?

Well, I did do that for the last year of our marriage.

[LAUGHS] All right.

Free at last! Free at last.

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

[APPLAUDING]

Thank you. I wrote that myself.

She didn't write that. What?

JULIE: Now George would like to say a few words.

Keep it short, George.

No one wants to hear you drone on.

Um, I would like to thank you

who came here tonight

to support irritable bowel syndrome.

I'm really glad I passed out these candles.

It adds to the authenticity.

I don't know, Annie, I'm feeling kind of weird being here.

Maybe we should go.What? Calm down.

Nobody suspects a thing.

I know you did it.

[BOTH SCREAM]

That... That's crazy. Oh, is it?

Or isn't it?

We found this at the scene of the crime,

so we know the culprit loves Cheese Blams!

Congratulations, Julie.

You've narrowed it down to the whole world!

Oh, really?

Well, then, why is Jake the only one

who ate from my Cheese Blams bowl trap I set?

Tonight wasn't a Carefrontation at all.

It was a Carefrontraption!

[LAUGHS] Good one, Julie!

You've got nothing on me, lady.

Oh, I've got something.

I've got this Cheese Blams bag,

my tiger-mom intuition,

and a strike with both of your names on it.

Oh, I'm gonna getcha.

And when I getcha, you're gonna get gone.

Buh-bye.

[CRUNCHES LOUDLY]

I want to assault her.

Is she on something?

Annie, we need to confess!

And then maybe Julie and the board,

they'll be easy on us,

and they won't evict us and throw us out on the street!

The streets? You need sleep.

You're sleep! We gotta confess!

We have to confess!

Ah! Sorry! I'm so sorry.

I tried to throw a drink in your face

to calm you down, but the glass slipped.

There wasn't even water in the glass!

Well, maybe if you weren't freaking out so much,

I could pay attention to what water was in what glass.

I'm sorry!

Apology accepted.

I just don't want to get evicted because of some silly prank.

I feel like we're the real victims here.

[GASPS] Wait, that's it!

People of this building, come quick!

We're victims of a hate crime!

What a horrible, accurate slur!

JAKE: Oh, the vandals have certainly struck again!

As alcoholics, we're offended!

Who, who would do this?

I mean...

What do you... What do you make of this?

Think you've got what it takes to get the plus-one?

Huh. We'll be the judge of that.

Today on Wedding Date Duel-Down...

Ooh, that was a good take.

Yeah, you're on fire.

Thanks, sweetie. Mmm-hmm.

You're filming this? Well, just for posterity.

But if it happens to turn into a reality competition show

that ends up on Bravo, so be it.

Yeah, this is crappy enough to be a real show.

Right? Couple one, couple two, dazzle me.

I know it's only been two days,

but Wes and I feel like this is so real.

WES: Yeah, to a yogi like myself,

time has no meaning,

so two days is the same thing as an eternity.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

It took you five seconds to say that,

but it felt like forever.

Slam! Come on, girl.

Cassie, Gil, you've already failed the preliminary round...

AKA your marriage...

So why go to this wedding together?

Well, we're just one of those cool divorced couples

that still hangs out, waters each other's plants,

shares dating stories.

Yeah, like recently, I did it with an uncircumcised guy.

It was fun.

See?

I love that story.

This is working for me. Points!

[RINGS BELL] What?

Wes and I have sex stories!

Yeah, one time we were in my yurt...

I'll give you points to not finish that story.

[SCOFFS]

Dennah, you want this? Then you gotta work, bitch!

Wes! Chair pose!

You got it.

Our bodies are one. He's my chair!

Do something! Points!

[RINGS BELL]Yes!

Whose uncircumcised penis did you have sex with, Cassie?

You remember our dry cleaner?

Oh, that reminds me.

BOTH: We gotta get a kosher option for our wedding.

Jinx, mani-pedi.

You owe me a mani-pedi, yes!

I gotta say, I have never been happier to be single.

You know what? I've made my decision.

[DRUM ROLL]

Gil and Cassie.

DENNAH: What? Oh, no, no way.

They failed before. They'll fail again.

Well, Dennah's gonna die alone.

True, but Gil's gonna die soon, so what does he care?

We're right here. Hey!

Mmm-hmm?I'm gonna die soon?

Yes, you are.

Kay, it looks like you're the tie-breaker.

Which couple do you pick?

Me? Yeah.

What do I know about relationships?

You don't have to decide now, baby girl,

just take your time!

Go on home, think about it.

GIL: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take your time.

Hey, stay cool. [BLOWS ON HER]

Ugh! Wet garbage!

Ooh, I'm out!

DENNAH: I love your hair. Perfect.

Cliffhanger!

Andy Cohen's gonna love this!

Oh, I forgot to press "record."

Oh, Kevin.

You're right, "hate" is the real four-letter word.

My God, this is going even better than I hoped.

All the heat is off us,

and that lady with the man's haircut

brought us a sympathy kugel.

It's a Jewish lasagna.

I don't know, Annie. What if they don't buy it?

I don't buy it. Oh, we're caught!

Sorry, I was just finishing up a call.

$200 for a nanny tracker?

I didn't buy it. I'll track her myself.

At any rate, how are you guys feeling?

Are you all right?

Well, you know, comes in waves.

It's a low point for us, certainly.

Yeah, I mean, to be hated this much,

I just... I can't imagine.

That must be tough.

You sure you can't imagine it?

Nope, I'm trying, but I... I just can't.

Nothing's coming? No.

I'll let you know.Keep me posted.

Just so beloved in this community.

Are you? Really?

Yeah. I'm like a white Oprah.

That's what I've been told, anyway.

At any rate, once I realized you were victims

and not suspects, I thought about it,

and I remembered that weirdo Atlas always calls you "lushes."

Not like the rest of the building,

who calls you "drunks."

Tough but fair.

So I did a little Snoop-Doggy-Dogging,

and sure enough, Atlas's adult Big Wheel

was covered in orange Cheese Blam dust.

He's obviously the one that done did it.

Really? Wow!

Yeah, so any-be-whoozle,

the board's going to meet to discuss Atlas's eviction.

Oh. Just wanted to let you know.

[WHISPERS] Congrats. Okay.

All right, everybody, Annie and Jake

have gotten enough attention. Let's go!

One last dig. Thank you all for coming.

Thank you. Please leave your mugs.

Give peace a chance. That's all we're saying!

Hey, that was my Cheese Blams dust

on Atlas's stupid penny-farthing.

Yeah, I know! Hee, hee, hee, yes!

[LAUGHS] We're in the clear, baby!

Now let's celebrate, like the lushes we are.

So Atlas gets a strike. Who cares, right?

That guy deserves at least 10 strikes

for composting in his apartment,

practicing urban falconry.

Ah, justice is served.

Yeah. You were right, Annie.

Thank God we didn't confess.

Jake, we need to confess.

[GASPS] Unexpected twist.

We can't let an innocent guy get evicted!

Innocent?

No grown man who wears saddle shoes is without blame.

This was fine

when it was a victimless crime, but now there's a victim,

and his stupid, stupid name is Atlas.

Confessing is the right thing to do.

Oh. Do we have to?

Can't we just blame somebody else?Who?

Black Benny?

Jakey, don't make me try to throw a drink at you again.

Mmm, I don't want you to do that.

Nobody does. Mmm-mmm.

Fancy meeting you here, Dennah. Oh!

Say, are those perchance chocolates to bribe Kay,

so she'll give you the plus-one?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I borrowed chocolates from Kay, and I'm just returning them.

You're a big fat sneak.

I need this plus-one more, Gil!

High school friends will be at the wedding.

You're the real sneak, bribing Kay with...

A pinata? Really?

I don't know what she's into.

Yeah, obviously. [INDISTINCT LAUGHING]

Oh, Kay's got a girl over.

They're coming! Hide, hide, hide, hide!

Oh.

Don't go. I hate it when you leave.

Ooh, me too, Kay-Bay.

But I won't be late,

and I'll bring you some pot stickers home from the restaurant.

Ooh, nummy!

Ooh, and can you grab some toilet paper? We're almost out.

Ooh, another sexy errand.

Mmm-hmm.

Ooh.

KAY: Miss you, Shmoo Shmoo!

Catch my kisses! Catch my kisses.

Catch my kisses. Catch 'em.

Got it, got it!Mwah, mwah, catch them. Faster, faster.

Catch 'em, faster! Now... One fell, one fell.

Oh, oh. Five-second rule!

[GIGGLES]

BOTH: You have a girlfriend!

[GASPS] Heart attack!

BOTH: [SING SONG] Kay's got a girlfriend!

No, I don't. Quit it, you guys.

Fine then, this lady who isn't your girlfriend,

how often is she staying over?

And can she get pot stickers for other people?

DENNAH: Yeah, and when's the last time

that you went out with someone else?

Oh, pfft. You know me.

Hit it and quit it, girl.

I am a player of the ba-gina.

I am a concert ba-ginist in the pleasure symphony.

We've been together for two months.

She sleeps here every night, she asked for a drawer,

and I brought her a dresser... It's bad.

I don't get it. Why don't you want the plus-one?

You're the only one of us in a real relationship.

No way... Asking her to my best friend's wedding makes it official.

So that's great. You like her.

That's the problem. I like her too much.

What if she rejects me?

This is my healthiest relationship so far.

Yeah, remember that woman who used to steal your urine

and make tea out of it?

But if you don't make it official, you might lose her.

Take the plus-one.

I'll just tell everyone that my boyfriend died,

and then everyone will feel sorry for me.

Damn it, I was gonna say that.

Well, you snooze, you lose.

You guys would do that for me?

Only if you come out of the relationship closet.

It might be hard at first, but, Kay, it gets better.

Yeah.

I don't think straight people are allowed to say that.

You're probably right about that.

Yeah.

Now, I know it's not in the budget to have a building jail,

but be great to have somewhere to punish people.

Stop, stop... Everybody, stop the presses.

Hold the presses.

Annie, Jake, this is a closed meeting.

We're very sorry, but we have something important to say.

Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Dear distinguished board members,

we have made an error in judgment,

and so we apologize to this Congress,

to the Olympic women's volleyball team, and also,

to my wife of 15 years. What?

I'm sorry, I copied the apology from the Internet.

Okay, hey. We wrote the F-word.

We were drunk, and we had no idea about the IBS,

and then we hate-crimed our own door to protect ourselves.

We are so sorry.

Please don't evict us.

Guess I won't be needing this anymore.

Well, we appreciate you bringing the truth forward,

but I'm afraid the board must reject your confession.

What? Can you do that?

Order! Order! Everybody sit down!

Look, we have bigger fish to fry.

Okay, yes, you are awful tenants,

but Atlas is way worse.

The circus bicycle's a real eyesore.

He's always wearing a top hat, which I find offensive.

He keeps trying to pay his rent in Bitcoins,

whatever those are,

his gluten-free muffins taste like a bunch of sand,

and his ferret scats all over the place,

even when it's wearing those little Capri pants he made it.

The board's been trying to get rid of him for months.

We don't understand him.

Therefore, we hate him.

Well said, Walter.

I... I'm sorry, but isn't that the definition of hate crime?

Point is, he makes one more slipup,

he and his loom, out on the street.

In the spirit of confessions, I don't have IBS.

I just said that 'cause of the time I tooted in the elevator

and you freaked out.

Oh, too late, George. You have IBS.

See what I gotta deal with?

All right, get out of here.

What just happened in there?

Evil triumphed,

the good guys lost,

and George definitely farted. I smelled it.

Yeah.

Hey!Hey, Atlas.

Hey, we just want you to know, we're on your side.

Yeah, we know what it's like to be outsiders in this building.

So if you ever need a friend...

Can you get your hand off my frock coat?

The oil in your fingers stains the suede.

Thanks.

So he's got it coming, right?

Let him burn.

And this piece is called

My Neighbor Doesn't Have Curtains.

Great use of paint.

Hmm.

Hey, that's you. Nice scar.

How'd you get that? Appendicitis?

[GASPS] Chupacabra? Shark bite?

Sorry, Madeline.

Since when do you even care about your building or art?

Well, we plan on being here a long time,

so we figured, why not get involved?

Yeah. Plus, Julie's blackmailing us.

She's got eyes everywhere.

DENNAH: Hey, guys.ALL: Hey.

So, terrible news.

Wes and I have decided to take a spiritual break.

So you dated and broke up with someone in two days?

That's our girl. Yeah.

And I've decided to go to the wedding alone.

That's Where I'm At, And That's Okay

is the name of the book I've been reading

to get me to feel good about going to a wedding alone.

BOTH: I never liked her anyways.

Jinx, you owe me a mani-pedi.

But if the plus-one's not going to Dennah or Gil,

then that means...

Ladies and gentlemen,

I would like you to meet Hailey,

my girlfriend!

Oh! [KAY CHUCKLING]

Sorry, Kay insisted on introducing me

like it was my quinceanera.

Oh, my God, Hailey!

I hope you know we are gonna be best friends.

So you're definitely Annie.

Tell us everything we need to know about you.

Where did you grow up? What do you do?

Can you get me a 30% discount? Off what?

What's your karaoke song? What's your favorite flower?

Is it Azaleas? Is it Azaleas?

Say it's Azaleas.

I... It's Azaleas.

[ALL CHEERING]

Yes!