Original subtitles

ANNIE: Sorry guys, we got to go.

Jake and I are having dinner

with my favorite and only cousin, Scooby,

legally changed from Barry Scooberstein.

He's a cruise director so he's rarely in port.

Ah, Scooby is the coolest guy ever.

He's like the Ryan Gosling of cousins.

Jake, you are going to love him.

He's the life of the party.

Literally, that's what his business cards say.

My business cards say FBI. Female body inspector.

Interesting, but I think that's more of a hallway conversation,

so let's move those cute little hineys out the door.

Okay then. We're just really late.

Well, as if my life couldn't get any worse, it did.

Oh, we'd love to be there for you, buddy, but...

Good. Hey, you guys can sit down,

no need for the formality.

Okay. So...

My place is getting fumigated

'cause I have fleas from that alley cat I fought.

It was just a piece of chicken, man,

you should've let it go. (WHISPERS) Yeah.

I'm so happy to be hanging with my crew tonight.

I'm thinking Law & Order Marathon?

I don't know that there is one,

but that show is never not on.

Oh, that sounds like a blast, buddy,

but Annie and I have dinner plans with her cousin, Barry.

Scooby. His name was changed by the American government.

All right then, Dennah, Kay, who wants at me?

Sorry, I have a work event. Or as I like to call it,

an hour and a half of Bob in HR asking me

what kind of gay I am.

Well, you're obviously a soft butch lipstick flannel queen, right?

Word.

And I have a little date.

Literally, he's 5'4".

That's a small drink of water.

There's a lot of cute guys out there living below boob level.

Loving all of this, but...

Oh, my God, you guys,

you gotta see what they did to the elevator.

They vacuumed, and they got the booger off the 14.

Come on, please leave. GIL: Hey,

I get it. My crew's busy.

And I love a busy crew, I'm busy too.

Law & Order's not going to watch itself,

although, I wouldn't be surprised if it could,

'cause it's that awesome.

But Jake, you and I are still on for b-ball tomorrow, right, buddy?

I'm in. Or, actually, I'm not in

because I'm realizing that

Scooby is here all weekend, which I am thrilled about.

Unless I can get away for a few hours to play some basketball.

Which I cannot, nor do I want to.

Why would you bring that up? How dare you?

I am livid with you.

You guys are all so busy with your grown-up stuff.

Meanwhile, here I am, single, unemployed,

inexplicably 2 inches shorter than last year.

It's like your lives are chugging forward,

and mine's just slipping backwards.

Oh, come on, buddy.

Sometimes moving backwards can be cool, right?

Case in point, the moonwalk. What?

That shouldn't help, but it does.

Hey, I'll play basketball with you tomorrow, Gilly.

Yeah, me too. Really? Thanks, guys.

Okay, then it's settled,

we'll all walk out of here together right now.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

By the way, Gil, you don't currently have fleas, right?

No. But...

You know, apropos of nothing, maybe I'll just take this chair with me.

Okay, scoot. (CHAIR SCRAPING)

(WHISTLING)

* Oh, no Can't hold me back *

So the wedding was totally nose-diving, the DJ doesn't show,

the best man speech was way too Vietnam-heavy,

but then here comes cousin Scooby.

Armed only with an iPod and a Coors Light.

He throws on a little "whoomp! There it is"

and whoomp! There everyone is, up on the dance floor.

Everyone was dancing, even aunt Karen with the clubfoot.

Scooby is the wedding whisperer.

Wait, so aunt Karen has a clubfoot and a glass eye? My God.

And male pattern baldness.

That's a lot. She's one of life's

real soldiers. Yeah.

Is she still alive?

Yes and no. Yes and no.

Speaking of the greatest weddings of all time,

Annie, do you remember Princess Kate's wedding bouquet?

Hmm, no, I can't say I recall

the understated yet meaningful blend of lily of the valley

and sweet William, Dad. Of course I remember.

Because I found a florist here in town

that can recreate that very arrangement.

Dad, that is so sweet, that is, like, my dream bouquet.

Actually I was talking about for my wedding.

Oh, my God. How stupid of me.

I guess it didn't even occur to me

that you would be carrying a bouquet.

No, no, that would be crazy.

It's not a bouquet. Okay.

It's an oversized boutonniere that has a handle

so I can walk around like a princess.

Yeah, my little princess with a penis.

Your queenie with a weenie. (LAUGHS)

Don't talk about my penis.

Fair enough. I'm sorry about that.

Honey, I didn't even realize you'd want it for your wedding.

I'm so sorry. No, no, I mean,

you know, why would you even be thinking about my wedding?

No, I do think about your wedding.

It is so fine. Besides, I was planning on

using these live birdcage centerpieces,

so I'll just go with the tropical theme for my bouquet.

Ouch. I pinned those birdcages too.

Ouch. Ouch-e-wa-wa.

This is so silly. You know what?

You take the bouquet and the birdcages.

No, no, no, no, no. Yes, yes, yes.

Listen, I am not going to get into a bride war with my own daughter.

'Cause that would be, like...

Like...

And, hey, let's face it,

I wouldn't stand a chance anyway, would I?

Because I learned from the best. You are the OG Bridezilla.

Only because the student is now the master.

Oh, thank you, sir.

(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, you.

I feel uncomfortable, but I shouldn't, right?

No, we should. Who needs a drink?

Waiter? Oh, I'm sorry,

we're all out of drinks. But I can offer you

the best night of your life!

ALL: Scooby!

Oh, this is Scooby. Well, uncle Kevs!

Yay. I have literally

been over here for 20 minutes waiting for you guys

to call me over. Oh, here, Lo Fang.

Let me give you your vest, thanks again, dude.

Oh, and I dropped those spring rolls off at table seven.

Thanks, Scooby. You're the best.

No, you are, dude. Seriously, don't stop believing

in yourself, okay? No matter what that girl said.

What an entrance.

You must be Jake.

Ah, yes, guilty as charged.

The man, the myth, the supermodel?

Wow, you are a very attractive man.

Look at this... Dah-dah-dah-dah! Hey.

Come over here, bro. Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow, look at that.

We're instantly good at that.

Aw, Annie.

Look at this girl.

Gorgeous, brilliant, and with a heart of Gold-schlager.

(LAUGHING) Jake, you got an angel.

Can I get an "amen" or what? Amen!

Oh, I thought we were all gonna do it.

That's okay. Do that.

How is life on the concert cruise circuit?

You still working "the DeBarge barge?"

No, no, no, I'm with the Maroon 5, "Cruise like Jagger,"

yeah, and we turn down for what?

Nothing!

You know what I'm saying?

I honestly don't, but I love how you say it.

I missed you guys so much. You know?

And I heard the great news, two weddings in one year?

Whoa! How's the bride-to-be?

Excited. Thrilled.

'Cause we're both brides, and that's fine.

(MAN SPEAKING ON TV)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(COMMOTION ON TV CONTINUES)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Ugh.

My date was a disaster.

I couldn't get past how short he was.

Literally, I could not get past him, he was so underfoot.

Dennah, how did you get in here?

Uh, you let me in?

What is going on?

Law & Order.

I've never seen it before. Gil was right, it's awesome.

Oh, come on, it can't be that good, skeletal remains?

But how?

Okay, so we're all good for tomorrow for dinner, right?

Dude, wild hangovers wouldn't keep me away.

Hey, so I hate to register on the dickter scale,

but I only get one more shore leave this year,

so I can only come to one of your weddings.

Oh. Oh.

Ooh. I know.

Well, it's a good thing we talked about

the whole bride wars thing, because I do not want to fight

over who gets Scooby at their wedding.

Absolutely. Scooby, why don't you just

take your time and decide whose wedding you'll be at, and we'll roll with it.

Because that's what I'm known for, rolling with it.

You can call me Adele, 'cause I'm Rolling In The Deep.

And I'm just Rollin' With The Homies.

"Papa's Like A Rolling Stone."

"Rollin', Rolling Down The River."

Okay, we're gonna go. We'll see you guys tomorrow.

Okay, us too. Okay.

Hey, Scooby. Scoobs.

So I know you're staying at that cute Bed and Breakfast

on 4th street, better known as the murder hotel.

What? No it's not, is it?

Why don't you stay with us tonight? Stay safe.

We can all kind of have more of a chance to catch up.

Yes! I would love that.

Hope you guys are up for a midnight jam sesh,

because that is where I come alive.

Yes! Yeah, you are.

Yes! (JAKE MURMURS)

I don't know what you're talking about.

Didn't say it yet. Saying it now.

You and your dad agreed to not compete over Scoobs

and what wedding he's attending.

I'm not, I just want to spend some time with

my favorite and only cousin.

Oh, and we're giving him our bed

and any of your clothes that he may want.

Just so you know, there is evidence mounting

that you're not great at rolling with it.

Oh, hey, bae. Is bae really that much shorter than babe?

It's literally the same amount of syllables.

But that extra "b" makes my mouth so tired.

Aww. Ooh, we should be quiet.

I don't want to wake Scooby. Oh, Scooby's gone.

He got a call this morning, he downed three Red Bulls,

high-fived my hand into premature arthritis,

and then... (WHISTLES) Took off.

And I just spent 20 minutes to find his favorite cro-cronuts.

(GASPS) He's with my dads.

"Shopping with the guncles, buying me a suit.

"#blessed. #freeballin'." Scoob.

I can't believe my dad is buying him a suit.

I mean, he said he didn't want to have a bride war,

and yet here he is, starting one.

Uh, devil's advocate. Didn't you start the bride war

when you invited him over here to sleep?

(LAUGHING) No. What?

We have to have Scooby.

Your wedding sets the tone for your whole marriage,

and Scooby sets the tone for your wedding.

We don't want to end up like my aunt Tig and uncle Bloom.

Aunt Tig and unc... Wait, didn't they die in a plane crash?

Wes, but they were on their way to their second honeymoon,

because their marriage was in trouble, which it wouldn't have been,

had Scooby been at their wedding.

Yeah, sure, that tracks.

I just want our wedding to be perfect,

and I don't have a lot of family,

so it means everything to me to have Scooby there.

Look, I want our wedding to be perfect too, but...

Great! So we're on the same page. Let's go down there.

Yo, dude. You wanna play with us? We need a fourth.

Oh, sorry, guys. I'm waiting on my lady friends.

They're two hours late.

God, is this what it's come to?

The only people that want to hang out with me

are a bunch of fifth-graders?

Dude, we're sixth-graders.

Oh, really? Well, that's totally different.

But I warn you, if we do this,

I'm not going to go easy on you.

Huh? Huh?

Huh, huh? (GROANS)

Awesome! Cool.

Sick. Oh!

It is pretty cool, huh? Yeah, right on.

(LAUGHING) Okay. No, it is...

It's really coming out.

All right, well, what are you gonna do?

Huh? All right, well, you still

wanna play with me? I can still play.

How many episodes of Law & Order have we watched at this point?

13.

17 if you count the ones without Jerry Orbach, which I do not.

That man is sex in a suit. Mmm.

Think my fave is the one where they found that bloated body

floating in the river.

(GASPS) We forgot to meet Gil.

(WHISPERING) I can't believe you're trying to win Scooby over

by buying him a new suit.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything you just said.

I'm just so mesmerized by your bulging bis...

Well, I have been working out on my definit...

Okay, you're trying to distract me.

You are in a bride war with our daughter.

Psst, Annie and I are just two brides

who want the best weddings ever.

That's not a war. That's wedding season.

Uncle Kev, I am loving this new suit.

It's been so long since I've had fabric below my knees.

This is all the other Kevin's idea,

I can't take any credit for it.

And in fact, I won't.

And if Annie finds out, please don't mention my name.

Okay. Scooby, you just need a suit that isn't swim,

and if you happen to wear it at our wedding, then great.

Whoo, hey, Scoobs.

Dads! Hey.

(PANTING)

Did you guys run here?

Reluctantly.

Loving that suit, Scoobs. Thanks.

So nice of my dads. No-oh, singular.

Dad. Oh. Nice of my dad to get it for you.

Hmm, it was nice of you to put Scooby up for the night.

Well, he's family, and nothing's more important than family.

I couldn't agree more.

And that is why I would be so happy to pay for your airfare

should you decide to come to our wedding.

Dude, that would be amazing.

Money is a little tight right now, 'cause I mostly get paid in drink tickets.

Did you think that we wouldn't pay for you to come to our wedding?

Because we've been planning on it.

Since we want you to be our best man.

Wait, what?

I would be so honored.

Oh, Scoob, sorry we can't put you in our wedding party,

because we want you to officiate it!

(JAKE LAUGHS)

Wait, what?

I don't see Gil anywhere, do you think he left?

Well, we are two hours late,

and Gil isn't usually outside for more than half hour at a time.

Hmm.

Wait, is that his shirt?

Why would Gil be walking around without a shirt?

Oh, my God, do you think something happened to him?

Calm down. All that Law & Order made you paranoid.

Oh, my God! Oh, baby, Gil!

He's missing and bleeding. This is seriously not good! And it's all our fault!

Okay, think. If this was Law & Order,

what would Orbach do?

He would go to a payphone and call his technology guy.

Where are all the damn payphones?

GIL: Hey, thanks for inviting me over, bros,

and for this perfect-fitting T-shirt.

Who knew I was a child's medium? (LAUGHING)

You guys got a pretty killer setup down here.

Yeah, my mom bought me the big screen

after dad moved in with Susan.

Nice.

(PHONE VIBRATES) GIL: Oh.

Oh, sorry. I don't have time for you now.

Whoa, dude, how'd you get to this level so fast?

Oh, I've beaten this game three times.

Would've been more, but I started getting bed sores

from my sweet bean bag.

I gotta get that thing re-beaned.

You're so cool.

Yes, thank you.

You guys are like my new crew now.

My old crew's like... "Eh, we can't hang,

"we gotta put on our sweater vests and pay our forms."

New crew's like, "We can hang out all we want!"

(KEVIN 1 CHUCKLING) This battle over Scooby is getting out of control.

Want more dipping sauce? Yeah.

And that's my calamari.

You know, I always thought this whole bridezilla thing

was just a myth, but Annie has changed right in front of my eyes.

Like Chris Pratt's body.

Oh, I know. He is right and tight now.

What did he do? How does he get it done?

Where does he find the time?

He works so hard. Yeah.

Well, I tried to talk to Kevin,

but he's gone wedding-mad too.

You know, competing with your own daughter

is not a good look for him.

It's worse than the time that he got a perm.

The thing is, Annie would give her life as we know it for Kevin.

They live for each other. They are each other.

That's why it's so hard to watch.

We have to get these two to talk

because it's physically impossible for Scooby

to go to both weddings.

Wait, I may have an idea.

Wait.

I may have a scotch.

Bartender?

Is that a puca shell? Hey, everybody.

* Happy, happy, birthday, happy, happy you

* Happy, happy birthday to Scooby dooby doo *

Happy birthday. MAN: Have a good one.

Aw, thank you. But it's...

It's not my B-day.

I know, but we're going to miss it, and I hate that.

So Kevin and I thought... KEVIN 2: No, no,

I had nothing to do with this.

That we would celebrate your birthday today.

Our cake is coming, and it's bigger.

(QUIETLY) Jake, go get a bigger cake.

Oh, all right.

No more cake, no more cake, no more cake, no more cake.

No more fighting over Scooby, that's it!

What? Fighting? That's so crazy. Who...

I'm her dad. ANNIE: We don't fight.

Doesn't happen. It's like, what? I have a solution

where you can both have Scooby

and you can both have the florist,

and you can both have the endangered birds.

How about we do it up Brady-sister style

and have a double wedding?

Whoa, wait, you cats would do that for me?

Yeah! Double wedding?

Double amazing. (LAUGHS)

What do you think?

That's cra... That's...that's stu...

BOTH: (DRAWN OUT) Ooh...ay...ate.

Great. Really good.

Double wedding? I don't want to get married

with my dads. I mean, I wanted to marry

my dads when I was little,

but I also wanted to marry Donald Rumsfeld.

He's just so strong, he's decisive, and he's, off topic.

Look, I am doing this for you, bae.

Hey, wait, you're right. Bae is so much easier than babe.

I know, right? Look, this is all part

of my master plan to get Scooby at our wedding.

There's no possible way that your dads want

a double wedding either, right?

So the first person to admit

that they don't want a double wedding

is also willing to lose Scooby.

You evil, handsome genius.

Yeah, it's like that Bible story with Solomon.

Or is it Shecky? You know, where they split the baby in two...

Or is it a T-shirt?

I'm gonna go with baby. Was the baby wearing a T-shirt?

Hey, thank you.

Thank you for getting how important Scooby is to me.

Hey, of course. Now, look, all you have to do

is pretend that you love the double wedding idea,

all right? Okay.

And whatever you do, don't crack,

otherwise we might lose Scooby. Okay, I can do this.

I can do this. I mean, I am a great actress.

I believe that.

I found my ring! Take it down, madea.

(SOFTLY) I found my ring.

So, where were we?

We were talking about the amazing double wedding idea.

Double wedding, right.

You know, I am loving this idea.

Yeah, I'm loving it more.

I mean, the thought of being in the spotlight the whole day

is so daunting, you know,

it'll just be fun to be up there

together, all four of us. Yeah, I totally agree.

I mean, the chance to share the day, to share an anniversary,

so special. So special.

Oh, my gosh, we could do a joint invitation.

Love that! I mean, with all of our faces

on the card, I mean, come on!

And I can't wait for the four-way first dance.

No. Same time speeches!

I love it. You know what?

Why even do a double wedding when we could...

BOTH: Do a double honeymoon!

Yeah, I can just see it now. The four musketeers lying

naked on the beaches of the Maldives.

Yeah, with joining rooms!

Why should we even spend a day apart?

Hey, do you guys want to share a pineapple ice cream boat?

It looks so good. No, no!

I do not want to share a stupid pineapple ice cream boat thingy,

and I do not want to share my wedding.

I was just using my acting.

And it was good for a while.

Someone should probably go talk...

I should probably go talk to her. Okay.

Ruh-roh.

So, I don't know what just happened, but what I do know

is that my behavior has been

Michael Lohan-level unfatherly.

And I have been Dance Moms level daughter bad.

And I know that was confusing. Not to me it wasn't.

Look, I've just been planning my wedding

since I was a little girl, and I guess I always imagined

you guys planning it with me, not planning your own.

Oh, honey, I didn't realize we'd get so...

But you know how badly I want you to have your special day.

Yeah, I know. I always wished

you and dad could get married.

I guess I just didn't think

our weddings would be happening at the same time.

Of course you didn't. And I've been so wrapped up

in myself because I've been dreaming about my wedding

since I was a kid too. I would lock myself

in the bedroom with my bridal magazines hoping that my parents

would just think that I was doing drugs.

Oh. I'm so sorry, Dad.

No, I'm sorry. Forget it.

Your father and I will postpone.

No way! No!

What if they make it illegal again?

I'm just glad that we're talking about it,

that we got it out in the open.

Me too.

And now I insist that you have Scooby at your wedding.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I couldn't.

And...

But I can, and so I will.

Thank you.

And I want to give you your wedding present early.

We have chosen you, to be our flower girl.

(SQUEALS)

Our fully-grown adult woman flower girl.

Oh, my dreams have come true.

Hey, who else can say they got in a bride war with their dad?

I love that about us.

Boy soldiers, cover me with reflection shots.

I'm going for red headquarters.

Light 'em up!

(BOTH SCREAM)

Oh, Gil, thank God you're all right.

We've been so worried about you.

How'd you guys know I was here?

Well, we realized if we had your password,

we could track your cell phone,

and since your password is "password..." Shh, shh, shh!

What are you doing here, buddy? (LASER TAG GUN BEEPS)

I made some awesome new friends.

Sure, they're children, but I'm basically succeeding in life

on a sixth-grade level anyway, so it plays.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we're hanging out,

like real friends do.

Come on, we're your real friends.

And, hey, you just hit a rough patch, pal,

but you'll get through it.

I'm sorry we've been a little busy lately.

But you know we'll always be here for you.

Well, except for today, of course, when we weren't.

I'm sorry, we just fell into a serious Law & Order wormhole,

but we love you. You guys think you can

just waltz in here, with, albeit, a very valid excuse

and some beautiful words

and expect to just be instantly forgiven?

Because you can. (BOTH EXHALES)

Hang on, I gotta go break some kid hearts.

Gotcha.

Those the friends who blew you off? Yeah.

Look, buddy, this is going to be hard for you to hear,

but I gotta go. You see, I'm an adult,

and you're a kid. I don't belong in your world.

But this isn't goodbye.

You see, when you guys are adults,

you'll... And they're gone.

Good work on the double wedding plan.

You were right, they just needed to hit their breaking point

in order to get to what was really going on.

Yeah, I'm proud of myself.

That was some Devious Maids level scheming.

I mean, I've never actually seen the show,

but I assume they're pretty devious?

Oh, yeah, but just in maid stuff.

Oh. Okay, okay.

So I may have just made friends with all the busboys,

and they may have just invited us to

a secret underground Latin karaoke club.

And I may just have another scotch.

(SINGING PIANO MAN BY BILLY JOEL IN SPANISH)

Whoo!

* I apologize to all Spanish-speaking people

* You have a beautiful language, we're so sorry

* We're butchering it

Do you think we could do Islands in the Stream?

Yes, we can.

Ta-da! Everybody!

(ALL VOCALIZING)

(KISSES)

(ALL VOCALIZING)

Why are we all not naked?

ALL: Scooby!

Yes! (LAUGHING) Oh!

You son of a bitch!