Original subtitles

ANNIE: Okay, everybody.

Look at this sweet little baby I just picked up. Ooh!

[CHUCKLES] Ooh!

A cornucopia is a traditional, I don't know.

I really just don't know what it is.

I know it's used for Thanksgiving,

which is why I want to use it here when we...

[IMITATES TRUMPET FANFARE] Host our first Thanksgiving!

What? No, no, no, no, my mom always hosts.

And she hosts the crap out of it, by the way, you know.

Her gwavy is subwime.

Her tuwkey is a wittle swice of heawen.

That is not a good look, buddy.

Agwee to disagwee.

Jake, since we are now "engagedlyweds..."

Give it a chance, we need to start hosting things ourselves.

Growing up, I never had a normal Thanksgiving.

My dads always took us to "ibitha,"

and eating turkey fajitas to thumping techno music

is not as charming as it sounds.

It sounds like a damn nightmare.

Jake, please, I really want to host this, like,

Norman Rockwellesque Thanksgiving,

where I come out, and I'm holding the turkey like this,

and everyone's like, "Oh, my God, how does she do it?

"She makes it look so easy.

"She's like Jackie O meets Murphy Brown

"with, like, Jennifer Aniston's arms."

Or whatever stuff you guys want to say in the moment.

Is Jen pregnant, or isn't she?

I feel like she's just toying with me at this point.

Please, it will be really fun.

We can cook and watch those sports games,

and all our friends can pitch in. [EXHALES]

Cheese and crackers! I call cheese and crackers.

Yes! Easiest dish!

♪ Cheese and cracks

♪ Cheese, cheese and cracky-crackers

♪ Ooh, ooh

Napkins! Damn it!

Ice! Man alive!

Do those really count?

See? Half of the work is already done already.

This thanky-G is gonna be a piece of C.

What are you talking about? Zero of the work is done, okay?

I mean, Annie, you're crazy if you think

that I'm not on board with what you want to do,

because I totally am. Aw. Thank you.

But let's figure out how we're going to handle your mom,

because I think it should be delicate.

We should probably tell her together,

most likely somewhere between her third and fourth gin and tonic.

Yeah, totally. No, she'll be fine.

She'll be good. I mean, it'll be great.

It will be good. It'll be grood,

you know, so really, really grood.

"Grood?"

She'll be really "grood."

[WHISTLING]

♪ Oh, no, you can't hold me back ♪

JAKE: Wow, Mom. Another amazing meal.

I mean, you sure know how to fricassee a rabbit.

That was a rabbit? My favorite animal.

You know, if I had my way,

you two would have dinner here every night.

Oh. Except Saturday,

when Cici has her bath.

Aw, little Cici. Aw, little Cici.

ANNIE: Oh, little Cici. JAKE: That little dog...

It always looks so hungry.

I can see through the flesh on her legs.

Yeah, she's more eel than dog.

But beautiful, just a beautiful specimen.

[CHUCKLES]So, uh, what else?

Anybody else got anything? Oh, Jake!

Didn't you have something you wanted to talk about?

Mmm, honestly, not really.

I mean, we covered the rabbit. We talked about the dog.

I'm good. Nothing else?

Hit it. [LAUGHING]

Okay.

So, Myrna...

Thanksgiving is coming up, and you always do

such a beautiful job hosting.

Oh... But we were thinking,

this year...

This year...

I have a bathroom emergency.

Excuse me one second. I'm so sorry.

Okay, you are classy till the end, Jake.

You were saying? I was saying, Myrna...

Or mom-na, can I call you that? Mom-na?

Let's just stick with Myrna.

How would you feel about maybe Jake and I

hosting Thanksgiving this year?

Oh.

Oh?

Oh. Oh?

Oh. Oh.

Oh, yes, oh, as in "oh, what a good idea."

It'll be so cute.

Great.

Great. Great.

Great.Great!

Great! Great!

Oh, you figured out the whole Thanksgiving thing.

I'm sorry, I wish I was here.

I always miss the good stuff.

But you have to let me contribute in some way.

Oh, mom, don't be silly.

I know. Why don't I get you a dining-room table?

Your empty dining room makes me sad.

Oh, I don't want you to be sad when you come to our house.

No, come on. Oh, thanks, mom. That's so sweet.

Isn't that sweet, Annie? So sweet.

It's crazy how sweet it is.

JAKE: Getting a table out of the deal.

Psst, napkins and ice.

You two women should be ashamed of yourselves

for taking those ideas before I thought of them.

Hey, napkins are a lot harder to buy than most people think.

Ooh! There they are.

Oh, hello.

All righty, ready when you are.

You're taking American cheese singles

to a holiday dinner party?

Was the last Thanksgiving you went to hosted by a garbage pail kid?

Ha-ha. You're hilarious, Kay.

But you know you're not supposed to encourage my belief

that the garbage pail kids are real.

God. Talking to you is not great.

Couldn't help but overhear that you might be in the market for some cheese.

Yeah. How formal is your soiree,

on a scale from governor's ball to tete-a-tete?

It's casual, but there will be pants.

Okay, here, why don't you try some easy-going gouda?

Mmm, that is easy-going...

Smokey, rich, hint of cocoa. Uh-huh.

Just a kiss of, walnut?

Wow. That is quite a palette you have there.

Could I interest you in something a little stronger?

Sure, I got nothing else going on. Okay.

Here, try this. Be careful.

It's pretty intense.

Mmm. Well, that's very nice.

I'm tasting the wet earth of a cave?

Oh, my God. That is incredible.

That is a cave-aged reblochon.

You know, I don't throw this word around a lot,

mainly because it's a little silly,

but you are what we in the cheese community

like to call a Prodi-cheese.

Wow. That's the first compliment I've gotten in 11 weeks.

Listen, uh,

there's only so much I can serve during the day,

if you want to taste something really special,

come back after hours.

You know I'm not gay, right?

Not that I have an issue with that kind of thing.

Frankly, if I was gay, you'd probably be my type.

I mean, we clearly have a rapport going here,

and I am pretty lonely these days.

Not gay. Great!

Okay, great. Yeah.

I'll see you tonight.

Well, that was a freakin' nightmare.

Wait. What? What are you talking about?

Not only is she totally cool with us hosting,

but she's also buying us a table!

I mean, you yourself said it was sweet.

Aw. Simple, pretty, blue-eyed Jake.

Thank you. Don't you get it?

The moment you proposed, your mother and I entered

into a lifelong chess match

to determine who is the most important woman in your life.

You did? The war between wife

and mother-in-law is a tale

as old as Everybody Loves Raymond.

What? No, honey, I think you've got it completely wrong.

I mean, my mom is known for three things...

Her sweater sets, her generosity,

and keeping our house at a cool 66 degrees, and that's it.

Didn't you see what she just did in there?

She sacrificed her Thanksgiving-hosting rook

to king my queen in the dining room with a candlestick.

That analogy is barely chess. It's mostly checkers.

And you sprinkled in a little clue at the end.

It's the last great board game, and I love it!

Well, I think Trivial Pursuit would have something to say about that.

Look, this table is about more than a holiday.

It's permanent, and it's chock-full of judgment about me,

about my table-buying abilities, and if we accept it,

every dinner we host will only be because of Myrna.

Every Zappos box and piece of mail

will only have a place to sit because of Myrna.

Every time we have sex on that table,

she'll be there, judging my technique.

Well, your technique is flawless.

Look, I just really want you to be on my team with this one.

It is really important to me

that we do this Thanksgiving ourselves.

Okay, yes, of course, sure.

I mean, what am I thinking? Yes.

You can tell my mom that you don't want the table.

Ooh.What? Oh, no. I'll...

Well, how about I call her? I'm gonna call her.

I'll call her up, and I'll just tell her

you don't want the... I don't want the table.

Great news, dads... I am finally hosting my first Thanksgiving.

Oh, my God, sweetie, that's amazing.

Of course we'll be there.

Your first Thanksgiving hosting as a couple...

It's going to be so precious.

And remember, baby, just brine everything. Yeah.

Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Damn it. What about Ibitha?

It'll "beeth" there next year. Oh.

Well, I did it.

I told my mom that we didn't want her to buy us

a dining-room table, and she said she was totally cool with it.

Really? What did she say, like, word for word?

Word for word... Well, she said,

"I can't wait for Thursday, sweetie.

"I'm sure it's going to be the best Thanksgiving ever."

Well... [APPLAUDS SLOWLY]

[SIGHS] Slow clap. Why the slow clap?

Damn it, she's good.

She really raised the bar. "Best Thanksgiving ever?"

So now I literally have to pull off the best Thanksgiving ever,

or we will all die.

Die? What? I'm confused.

I thought Thanksgiving was supposed to be

about celebrating family.

No, it's about who celebrates family better.

Okay, I think you're overreacting.

Okay, Jake, you know what?

Myrna thinks she's got me backed into a corner, but, no, no.

Nope. No. I ain't going out like that!

[I AIN'T GOIN' OUT LIKE THAT PLAYING]

What's happening?It's my voice-activated sonos,

but luckily, it's perfect music to get me pumped up

while I show you this dining-room table and chair set.

Wow, hand-carved mahogany? You sure?

I mean, the only hand-carved wood that we own

is a pipe that we smoke out of occasionally, not habitually.

Best Thanksgiving ever.

Okay. The only thing we have to do now

is look up some next-level recipes

that Myrna would never attempt.

Take my sweaters out of the oven,

and I'll work on a shopping list.

♪ Billy ray cypress hill ♪ Chill

♪ I bust that grill

♪ Grab my gat and load up the steel

♪ We ain't goin' out like that

♪ We ain't goin' out like that ♪

JAKE: This whole thing is nuts.

Annie thinks she's in some sort

of weird Thanksgiving thunder dome with my mom.

She's sending me all over town to get these weird ingredients.

Look, tread lightly here, man.

You play this thing wrong,

you're gonna end up a divorced orphan.

So, in your scenario,

the woman I'm not even married to divorces me,

and my mom is so sad that she dies?

More or less.

Hey, where are we, anyway?

I thought we were going to a bar.

You know, it's like a bar

for illegal cheeses.

They call it a "Speakcheesy."

So you're still just kind of circling around rock bottom, huh?

[WHISPERING] So glad you could make it.

[NORMAL VOICE] Is he cool?

Not since he got engaged, but he won't tell on us.

[BOTH LAUGH]

All the secrecy is a little silly, I know,

but the FDA prohibits the sale of certain foreign cheeses

aged fewer than 60 days for "safety reasons."

Sure, there's a chance of listeria,

which can cause sepsis and meningitis.

Americans can be so provincial.

Here, try this raw camembert.

No, I'm good. Thank you.

Don't be so provincial. Very American that way.

I was born in Canada, you know.

Well, close to Canada.

Here in Chicago, actually. Mmm.

Mmm!

Oh, my God.

So milky and sweet and young.

It's like licking a newborn calf.

This is ridiculous. Hey!

I'm finally good at something.

I don't make fun of you for loving Annie.

Hey, well... It's a raid!

Go! What happened?

What's happening? Come on!

What's happening? We got to go!

GIL: We got to go now! What's going on?

JAKE: What's happening?

Who were all those people?

I don't know.

We gonna smoke this thing or what?

Oh.

I mean, Jake thinks I'm overreacting, but...

Annie, she said, "Best Thanksgiving ever."

Yeah, the only way to interpret that is...

"Die, bitch."Right?

I mean, I just wish he would get on my side.

He's making me feel crazy. Oh, I hate that.

The last time a guy made me feel crazy,

I broke into his house, switched all his pills around,

and gave his dog up for adoption.

Dennah, that is crazy.

I know. That's why I didn't do it.

The worst part about this is

that Myrna is an awesome cook.

Jake won't shut up about her stupid "dewicious" food.

But you know what? I am just gonna go super gourmet on this.

She's not even gonna know what hit her.

Uh, try this.

Wow. That's delicious. I want to try!

That's the only bite I made. Took me six hours.

Okay. But, okay, if we have

eight people tomorrow and everybody has two bites for dinner,

that'll just take me another 144 hours.

Mmm, baby girl. Oh, God,

what's happening to me?

[IMITATES TURKEY GOBBLING] Ha...

Hey! Ah, there's my little Rachael Ray of sunshine.

Oh, wow. Did you catch and kill the turkey right here in the kitchen?

Oh, jokes are so funny.

So I got you three different kinds of cooking sherry,

but, unfortunately, there's no place in Chicago

that has Hawaiian salt.

No worries. I've been sweating and crying

into the gravy all afternoon,

so hopefully that'll take care of the seasoning.

You okay, babe?

Yeah. Yeah?

You sure? 'Cause you're stirring air.

Oh, my God.

Look, this is just a lot for me right now...

Little overwhelmed. No, I get it.

And I wish I could help,

but I'm just not an expert at all this stuff.

Why don't we just call my... Don't say it.

Shh. Mmm-mmm. Uh-uh, uh-uh.

No, go ahead and say it. Well, why not?

I mean, why can't we ask my mom for help?

Because then she wins, and she will dance all over my grave-y.

Okay, I know I'm not supposed to say, relax,

calm down, or, you're acting crazy.

But relax, calm down, you're acting crazy!

[GASPS]

We got to get out of here. My shoes are in the other room.

Leave them. I will carry you. Okay.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Aw, I know that face.

That's the same face you made

when that girl punched you at volleyball camp.

Annie would kill me if she knew I was here.

Why? Well, we're fighting.

I mean, this whole hosting Thanksgiving thing

has gotten way out of hand.

Well, it's so cute that you guys tried...

Very brave,

and there's no shame

in coming to your old mama for some help...

Or for anything.

If you ever just feel like talking

or if you're out late and you need a place to crash out,

come sleep over, like the old days.

You mean like when I was a child?

I'm just saying it's dangerous to drive tired.

[SNIFFS] Hey, what's that smell? Is that turkey?

Oh. I've started making my own sandwich meats.

Really? Saves money.

And I don't have to talk to that man at the store

about his dead son.

Huh.

Oh, no. Did Cici get out?

It looks like those birds are chasing her.

Oh, those damn finches!

Yeah, they might swallow that dog up whole.

Oh, my God.

Mom made backup tuwkey and gwavy.

Annie, you were right. Mom is trying to undermine you.

She made an entire Thanksgiving dinner.

She's waiting for you to fail.

You weren't crazy. It was chess.

Annie?

Annie? Are you drinking cooking sherry?

It's sweet.

It's so sweet.

Don't look at me.

Come on, Annie, we can still beat mom.

It's too late.

Myrna's gonna be here in ten hours

expecting a Thanksgiving extravaganza.

Why did I have to describe it as an extravaganza on the invite?

What's wrong with the word "dinner?"

Look, I know I wasn't on your team before, but I am now,

and we can do this!

We just need to simplify. Screw the Hawaiian salt.

You only need one ingredient for turkey... Turkey.

Now, are we looking at an all-nighter? Yes.

Are both of us gonna cry?

A bunch.

A bunch.

I am not always gonna be kind.

I will sometimes be needlessly cruel.

It will almost seem like I am enjoying that part of it.

But if we focus, if we stick together, baby,

come on, we can pull this off!

I just have one question. Shoot.

Are we gonna have time to bang one out first?

Because this take-charge attitude is a real turn-on.

We always have time for that. Okay!

Doesn't look that hard.

♪ We ain't goin' out like that

♪ We ain't goin' out like that ♪ We ain't goin' out

♪ We ain't goin' out like that

♪ We ain't goin' out like that ♪ We ain't goin' out

♪ We ain't goin' out like that ♪

[VOCALIZING]

Guys, I just scored us some of the rarest,

most illegal cheese in the world.

I can't tell you where I got it, but...

No one cares.

[VOCALIZING]

[SCREAMING]

JAKE: Break those grapes. Whip that cream.

Don't worry, everyone. The napkins are here.

No, wait. I left them at home. BRB, y'all.

Where the hell is that damn table?

Okay, got the napkins.

Oh, wait. Am I wearing a bra?

BRB, y'all.

Okay, turkey's stuffed, gravy gravied, Dennah Bra'd.

Finally. People are coming in 20 minutes.

Wait. The food won't be ready for two hours.

Ooh, I know. How about we just turn everything up?

Jake, that is brilliant!

Right? Just turn it all up.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Ah! That's the table!

We might actually pull this off.

[GASPS]

Where's the kids' room?

Excuse me? We don't have kids.

Oh, are you married to a little person?

Uh, there must be some sort of mistake.

Um, we ordered a very expensive dining-room table

that looks exactly like that,

but for normal human adults.

I don't know what to tell you, lady.

It's Thanksgiving. I got to go.

Honey, by any chance,

did you check the dimensions when you bought this?

I think we know the answer to that. I do.

Cute table!

My niece has the same one in her playroom,

but hers is bigger.

[GASPS]

Not to alarm anyone, but everything is on fire.

[GASPS][GASPS]

Oh, fire! [DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, okay, everything's cool. Everything's cool.

Uh-oh, it's Myrna.

Now, that's a pantsuit.

Oh, my God! [ALARM BEEPING]

[NERVOUS CHUCKLES]

JAKE: Aah.

Myrna, are you sure we can't get you something... Glass of wine?

Um, we burned the wine. How do you burn wine?

We used it to cook the things that burned.

Ugh. The Ibiza gang just checked in

at the foam party. [SCOFFS]

Kevin, would you let it go?

We'll find some other way to get pink eye.

Mom, how about a nice refreshing glass of water?

Ooh, with unlimited refills on ice.

We also have two napkin choices...

Cocktail and dinner size.

Ooh, we also have grenadine and a half bottle of pedialyte

from the time I tried exercise.

Uh, water sounds fine, I guess.

Yes.Water.

Oh, oh, the knees. [CHUCKLES]

Excuse me.

Okay, what are we working with dinner-wise?

Okay, we got a bowl of gravy, Gil's cheese and crackers,

a whole lot of napkins and a coffee filter

full of pumpkin pie filling.

Are we not commenting on the table?

Just drink your pedialyte, Kevin.

Chicago water, fresh from the tap.

You must tell me where you got this table.

It is so unique.

Well, small is in right now.

It's kind of a thing that everybody knows,

am I right? ALL: Mmm-hmm.

I told you our table was too big.

Okay! I hope everybody's hungry.

ALL: Ooh!

Oh, my God, how does she do it?

She makes it look so easy. Jennifer Aniston's arms.

Are you sure you want to put this down?

I just don't want you to break your table.

Well, it's mahogany. It's what houses are made out of.

Guys, a little help?[ALL AGREEING]

Whoa. [CHUCKLES]

ANNIE: Easy does it.

Ooh, okay.

[TABLE CREAKING]

[SIGHS WITH RELIEF][ALL LAUGHING]

Well, I'd like to make a little toast.

I am thankful that everybody is here today.

Thank you for being here, Mom.

And a toast to my wonderful fiancee,

who made this fabulous feast.It was really nothing.

No, it is something. Stop it.

And I am thankful for mahogany...

America's most durable and favorite wood.

Dig in, y'all!

[ALL EXCLAIMING] KAY: Oh, this looks delicious.

This cheese looks interesting. What is it?

I'm very glad you asked that, Myrna.

This brie, believe it or not, comes directly

from a farm-raised, 18-year-old human female woman.

I'm sorry. It sounded like you said

this cheese comes from a person.

That's right, Jake. It's human cheese,

made from breast milk. Argh.

It's all the rage in Albania.

[ALL GAG] Oh, my God!

[ALL SCREAM]

You know what? You know what?

Small tables are so two years ago.

The new trend is eating on the floor.

I knew it. It's fine. It's done, okay? It's over.

Look, I think we can all agree

this is the worst Thanksgiving in history.

Well, except for the first one,

if you're a native American.

Jake will get your coats unless I somehow managed

to burn those as well. Annie.

What, Myrna? I get it. You won. I lost.

No one does Thanksgiving like you.

No one can take care of Jake the way that you do.

And you will always be the most important woman in his life.

No, Annie, I was going to tell you

about the first time I hosted Thanksgiving.

Let me guess, flawless.

Okay, I'm sorry, Myrna, but I'm human, much like that cheese.

Actually, the turkey was so undercooked,

I gave four of our relatives food poisoning.

It was an unmitigated disaster, like tonight.

Thank you? But it was the most special

Thanksgiving I ever had,

because it was the first time that Jake's father and I hosted it.

And that's what you remember,

that and the fact that my mother-in-law

was trying to undermine me the entire night.

That's the real tradition. She was a serious bitch.

Oh, I love nana.

She always made those fred and ginger snap cookies. Yum.

Yes, she was a wonderful baker.

May she roast in a lake of fire.

Oh. The point is that

it's hard for every woman

to let go of her son.

And I am sorry that it has been so hard for me.

But I promise next year

that I will try to be better,

because, Annie, there is no one I'd rather turn him over to.

Aw. Thanks, Myrna.

ALL: Aw.So sweet.

So what are we doing... Ordering a pizza?

'Cause I am starving,

and there's dust bunnies all over the human cheese,

and that is a-gross.

ALL: Argh. Well, actually,

I do have an entire backup Thanksgiving dinner

in my car, if anyone is interested.

ALL: Yeah!A Thanksgiving miracle!

MYRNA: Oh, yeah.

ANNIE: Oh, okay.

MYRNA: Honey. Happy Thanksgiving, mom.

ANNIE: That's enough.

Here I come! Oh!

Just kidding.

ANNIE: I was kidding. I was kidding.

MYRNA: Thank you.

JAKE: Hey, let's go down to the food, all right?