All language subtitles for Marry.Me.S01E03_English

Guys, I can't tell you how
important tomorrow night is.

Well, apparently
important enough

to interrupt a story
about my workout.

I'm just excited.

It's my first Halloween
in ten years without Cassie.

Oh.
And since I
don't have to

hang out with her
dumb friends this year,

I'm looking to blow it out
with my dumb friends.

We're dumb.

So what are we doing?

Well, as always, Annie,
Dennah and I

are going to the single
greatest party of the year,

Halloween Hella-rage,

hosted by Tupac's hologram.

Zagat lovingly called it
"A (BLEEP)damn mess."

Ooh, I'd love some feedback
on my costume.

Two years ago I went
as a slutty nurse,

and then last year
I was a slutty judge,

but this year I'm just gonna
cut out the middleman

and go as a slut.

We get it.
You hate your parents.
They're not great.

So, Kay...
Yeah?

What do you got going on,
and can non-lesbians attend?

Sticking with a classic.
Trick or treating, costumes,

fresh air, free candy,
mike drop.

Both solid options,

but I got to
go with Kay,

mostly because
I love candy,

but also partially
because the last time
I went to a hip party,

everybody thought
I was the valet.

Long Story Short is the
title of the short story

I wrote about
that experience.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, excuse me.

Oh. Hi, Julie...
Just one second.

I just have to do this.
Okay.

(PHONE BUTTONS TAPPING)

Yeah, great.
Hi, Annie.

I see you've grown
that hair out.

A woman doesn't realize
how big her head is

till she gets a pixie cut
so, lesson learned.

Lesson learned
is what I was going to say.

What's happening here,

a little vino
in the afternoon?

How decadent,
I miss that.
Come on in.

It is so crazy
that we're the same age.

Are we?
Mmm-hmm.

Uh-huh.
Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.
I think you're mistaken.

No, I'm not.
Okay.

I'm 100% accurate.

Because you have kids
and you wear skorts

and you carry juice
in your purse.

So do you, baby girl.
I have blood sugar issues.

Please stay out of this.
Okay, well,

any beehoozal,
me and the momz, M-O-M-Z,

are planning our yearly
kids Halloween party

down in the
building's rec room,

so we're having a
planning slash mandatory
safety meeting,

and I'm required by law
to invite every tenant

regardless of their
inappropriate sex volume.

I'm a screamer.
What can I say.

I was referring to Diane
in 6B,

but good for you, Jake.

Okay. Well, anyway,

I just sent
you all the info.

You'll be
sorely missed.

Well, we've got
a lot going on.

(BABY FUSSING)
Oops, oops. Hold on.

Ow, he's
got me there.

And...un...latch!

There we go.

All right,
I've got to get
Atticus changed,

and I've got to
take the twins to
sportscaster camp.

They're gonna meet
Bob Costas.

So, fingers crossed, anyway,
you were saying, I'm sorry.

Just that
we're so busy, so...

(PHONE CHIMES)
I got an alert.

I've got to get this one
on the other breast.

Okay. Bye-bye.
ANNIE: Okay.

Ah, Julie.

She thinks she's so much
better than us,

like we're a bunch of trash.

(SINGSONG)
Check it out.

I'm a slut!

(WHISTLING)

* Oh, no

* Hey

* Can't hold me back

* Can't hold me back
from you *

So, guys, how excited
are you for Hella-rage?

Ah ha ha.

I'm gonna get
so (BLEEP) faced,

I started taking antibiotics
just to get ready.

That's smart.

How are you a preschool
teacher?

What can I say,
I love kids.

I hear this year
they're releasing

an authentic psychopath
into the crowd at midnight.

Yes.
Yeah!

That is so dangerous.

I was gonna say cool,
but it's reckless.

Very dangerous.
God,

even the invitation
is awesome.

I heard it's baby redwood.

Oh, so wasteful. So cool.

Wait, when did you get that?

A couple of weeks ago.

Didn't you guys get yours?

Oh, no, I did hear

they were cutting back
on the list this year.

Right, right,
right, right, right.

Right, right, right.
(CHUCKLING)

All right, nobody freak out.

I mean, chill, papi.

I'm sure ours got lost in the
mail or something like that.

Don't you know the guy
that runs the list?

Kyle, yes, Kyle.
Kyle.

I'll just give Kyle a call,

give him an old ring-a-ding-
ding-ding-ding-ding

but my phone's not here.
It's in the car.

And that's all right.
I'll just call after lunch

because, you know,
or whenever,

because I'm just chilling out
with my peeps, enjoying...

Some horrible potato skins.
Check, please!

I'm embarrassed.

Kyle, ky, ky guy, ky I oughta,

Al-ky-da.

I'm sorry about that one.

Hey...huh?
What the...

Jake, what are we doing?

Well, I was doing
some pretty good name play.

No, I mean what do you think
about maybe not going

to Hella-rage this year?

Gasp.
I've been thinking
about it a lot.

Haven't we outgrown anything

that has the word hella
or rage in it?

Last year we took a nap
before and during it.

But that party's
all we've ever known.

I know, but it might be fun
to do something new,

like maybe a more
grown up Halloween,

in our own building?

Okay, okay...
I don't follow.

Well, last year when we were
puking in that dumpster
behind the Filipino mall,

I looked up and saw
these kids in their
costumes carrying candy,

and it looked
really fun.

Oh...

That was pretty
(BLEEP) cute.

Some of my favorite memories
are from when I was little

and my dads
did their haunted house.

All the neighbors said
it was as scary as it was gay.

It seems like a pretty
intolerant neighborhood.

Yeah, we had to move
shortly thereafter.

Okay, shhh.
Everyone, shhh.

Okay, it's starting. Shhh.

Okay, here's shushing
at you, Karen.

All right, now,
trick or treating

is allowed
in your apartments

between the hours
of 7:00 and 9:00 p.m. only.

As for costumes,
nothing with weapons,

gender neutral isn't required,
but it is encouraged,

no ethnic costumes,
no religious costumes.

It's not a costume.

Okay.
All right.

Oh, Annie,

what are you guys doing here?

What, did you get lost
on your way to Margaritaville?

Good one, Julie.

Great one, Jules, but no.

My fiance and I have
decided to help with
the building party,

and I think we've got
the perfect idea.

Two words,
"haunted house."

Two more words,
"you're welcome."

Two additional words,
"standing ovation."

Two words, one name.

No way, Jose.

What?
What?

But it's a classic.
The kids'll love it.

So what were you thinking,
you're gonna peel a bunch

of grapes and tell the kids
they're eating eyeballs?

Now we're playing jazz.

Well, too bad grapes
are a choking hazard.

Hazel in 4C
can't handle large bites.

I mean, do you know C.P.R.?

She knows doggie C.P.R.

I've been the recipient
of C.P.R.

She's a terrible swimmer.

Okay, well, bad news,

you just murdered
an eight-year-old.

What?

Kids these days,
they don't like to be scared.

It's okay, Annie.
If you were a mom,
you'd understand.

You know, you'd have something
called maternal instincts.

I'm sorry,
but no haunted house.

But...
All right,

thank you so much,
everybody.

Have a blessed afternoon.

And no trail mix this year,
Lindsay.

Nobody wants nuts
that people have touched.

Well, we tried,
you know.

Quite honestly,
I'm sick about it.

So what do you think
we should do now?

Oh, hey, how about
we go to that stupid
Hella-rage party

and lick our wounds-themed
vodka Jell-O shots?

Should I call Kyle?
Yeah, you call Kyle.

You call Kyle,
real nice-like,

and tell him that we're
hosting a haunted house
in our apartment

'cause Julie's a bitch.

Well, I don't think
Kyle's gonna care

about any of this
building politics stuff.

I'm kidding.
I support you.

So if stupid Julie shows up,
she'll think

we're giving out candy, but...

But behind this curtain
lies a world of terror,

and a picture of my mom.

That's supposed
to be on my nightstand.

ANNIE: Kids are literally
gonna crap in their pants

when they see this place.

Well, not literally,
except for that kid
on the fourth floor

who's always
crapping his pants.

It's a baby.
Hmm.

And that doesn't look
like a person

who died here as much
as an adorable potato.

I'll take it.

So, Kay, my sweet friend
whose name is also a letter,

I did a little research,

and I found the best
trick-or-treat street in town.

I'm talking
full-size candy bars.

They got so much candy

that the New England
Journal of Medicine declared

the whole neighborhood
a diabetes cluster.

Wow. I've only dreamed
of full-size bars.

I mean, I could always
go buy one myself,

but candy's sweeter
when you beg strangers for it.

I did take the liberty
of grabbing a few
costumes for us,

because we do need ones

that obscure the fact
that we are adults.

Oh-oh.
Tall order.

I haven't seen you
this excited about anything

since you
discovered stonefruits.

Well, I don't know,
new me.

New Halloween.
Same old song,

but I like to
try on costumes too.

(BOB SEGER'S OLD TIME
ROCK AND ROLL PLAYS)

Oh!

* Just take those...
(CLICK)

Oh...

We would love
for you to leave.

But I had
a whole thing.

Get out.

This is the number one

rated Halloween neighborhood
in the city?

It doesn't even
have scary decorations.

Yeah, but...
Can't you feel the ghost

of a once-vibrant
middle-class community?

That last house didn't even
know it was Halloween.

They gave us pickles, man.

Technically,
they're gherkins.

Come on, Gil,
this sucks.

Can we please go?
I know a sweet street.

Let's go.

Wait, wait.

Okay, the truth is,
this is Cassie's street.

No, I am not gonna help
you stalk your ex-wife again.

I just want to
check up on her.

I mean, I'm doing great,

but I hate to think of Cassie
alone and sad on Halloween.

All right.

It's actually
kind of sweet.

Be sure and say it like that
when the police bring us in.

(ORGAN MUSIC)

Place looks awesome, babe.

And great call
on our costumes.

Zombie I Love Lucy.

Oh, Ricky,
take me to the club, waah.

(AS JACKIE GLEASON)
To the moon, Alice.

Wait, that's not
Lucy and Ricky.

Yeah, I'm
pretty sure it is.

You said
the name Alice.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, show time!

Trick or treat?

Hey, boys and girls.

Come inside if you dare.

Moo ha ha!

Awesome!

(KIDS CHEERING)

This is so fun.

(AS JIMMIE WALKER)
Dyn-o-mite, Lucy.

Good times.
The best.

So this is
Cassie's house?

Yeah. So, you know,

I just want to be sure
she's carving a jack-o-lantern

and not a wrist-o-lantern,
you know.

Then we'll be
on our merry way.

Okay.

Okay.
Go.

Hi.
KIDS: Trick or treat?

Aren't you kids adorable?

And... You two are bigguns.

Hormones in the milk.

Where's the
tequila, Cassie?
What?

In your butt?

Yeah, the tequila's
in my butt.

Good one, Sharon.
All right.

Happy Halloween, kids.

(PARTY GUESTS CHATTERING)

This is great.
Cassie's fine.

So we're
all good then.

No, we're not
all good then, Kay.

But why?
Cassie's happy.

I thought that's
what you wanted.

She's too happy.

She's having
a party.

She's making
tequila in the butt
jokes with Sharon.

In the house that
I bought for her
with her money,

but I Zillowed
it on my computer

that she bought me.
Huh?

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-hey.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-hey.

(VOICE AMPLIFIED) Everybody
grab two human eyeballs.

Give them to me
and I'll cut them

into non-chokable size pieces.

(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)

Charlie, Sadie...okay.

Monica, please.
Come on,

get your hands
in there.
Ooh!

Oh, guys, guys.
It's 9:00.

You're supposed
to be home five minutes ago.

Get out.

ALL: Boo!

(CHATTERING)

All right,
ride that sugar rush.
It doesn't last forever.

Amazing.
Amazing.

So fun.

(GASPS)
Oh, God!

Come on in.
Buzz on in.

JAKE: Wow. Hey,
perfect costume, Julie.

You know,
Annie and I are always

talking about how
you're such a "B."

Well, I'd heard...
No, no, no.

You're an exceptional "B."

Okay, get it.
I got it the first time.

You're a straight up "B."

You know,
I had heard rumors,

but I didn't think
you'd dare.

A haunted house?

Okay, there's no reason
to get mad.

The kids had a blast.
There's no big whoop.

No, no, no, big whoop.
Huge whoop.

I see 11 choking hazards
in my eye line alone.

Something bad
could have happened.

But it didn't.

I guess you were wrong
about what kids like

and who is the knower
of such things, vis-a-vis, me.

In conclusion...
Uh, face!

Oh, come on, Annie,
do not rub it in her uh, face!

Okay I get it,
I have a face.

Yeah, we might see each other
in the hallways...

Uh, face! Uh, face!
Uh, face!

Face!
Okay, that's enough.

There's no way
you can do a fourth one.

Uhhhhhh...face!

See,
it wasn't as funny.

Get me out of this
house of horrors.

Ooh, shutting down Julie

has made Lucy want
to visit Little Ricky.

Waaah!
Little Ricky's your penis.

How about
Above-average Ricky?

You know,
just for my confidence.

(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, that's Dennah.

She's been
calling all night.
Let me grab this.

Ah, phones, right?

This generation,
are we more connected,

or less connected.
Hello?

Annie, finally,
good news.

I ran into
Jake's friend, Kyle

and he said that
you guys were invited.

Come now,
it's super fun.

Oh, Dennah says we can
come to the party now,

if we want to.

Nah, I'm over it.

Yeah?
Me too.

Sorry, Dennah,
but we're over it.

I'm over it too.
It's freaking horrible.

I can't believe
I'm about to say this,

and I know how
it's gonna sound,

but it's so loud in here.

It's just so loud.

Oh, sweetie.

These people
are way too drunk,

it's absolutely freezing,

and the worst part is,

there are two other girls
wearing my costume.

I'm in hell. Can I come
hang out with you guys?

Oh, my God.
We would love that,

but it's gonna be hard
for you to find a cab,

and we're about to have sex.
And that cab thing.

But I hope your night
turns around.

Yeah, I don't think it will,

'cause my ex-boyfriend
just showed up.

Drama!

Hey, Derrick.

Oh, my God.

I never knew that your boobs
were two different sizes.

It looks like that one
ate all the other one's food.

I'm so hungry. High five.
Do you have any D batteries?

I need a D battery,
if you know what I mean.

What? Work, work,
drama, drama, drama.

Split!

How did I not know
you were gay?

Hey, we are seriously
a next level couple.

I mean, we just crushed adult
Halloween on the first try.

Come here,
Little Ricky.

Hi, I'm Mason.

Oh, my God!

Tell me another
ghost story.

No, no, no, no, no,
party's over.

You got to go.

Never!

Let's have a sleepover!

Ooh, no.

(MAKING ROBOT NOISES)

What level of whoop
would you say this is?

Medium to big.

All right, Robo Boy,
party's over.

Tell us where you live.
We've got to get you home.

No, I want to stay.

Give me more eyeballs.

Well, I'm
out of ideas.

Jake, if tonight
has taught us anything,

it's that I'm kind
of really great with kids.

I speak their language.
I got this.

20 bucks?

12-H.

Let's roll.

Wait, there's no 12-H.
Where's 12-H?

Ha, ha!

Oh, come on!

This kid's been yanking
us around by our yohnsons.

He's just having fun.
That's what kids do.

All right, buddy,
that was really funny stuff,

but you got to tell us
where you live now for reals.

I don't want to.

I want to go back to the
haunted house here with Red.

Oh, stop.
(GIGGLING)

Stop it.

Listen up, haunted houses
are for kids

who tell the truth and ghosts
with unfinished business.

Okay, Jake, I think
it's time for Daddy
to play bad cop.

Ah ha ha ha.

(CLICKS TONGUE)
(CHUCKLES)

How you doing, kid?
You good?

Is it too hot
in there for you?

You sweating?

Because you're really gonna
be sweating in a second,

you little punk.
You better tell me
where you live.

Where do you live?

I'm sorry. I don't live
in this building.

I live at the
end of the block.

Okay, that's okay.
Thank you.

Okay, we're gonna
get you home right now,

and I'm sorry that
that scary man was
so surprisingly literal.

That was insane.

Let's roll,
part two.

Back to the minors.

(MAKING ROBOT SOUNDS)
Enough robot, okay?

Halloween's
done for you.

Hey, baby girl.

Jeez!

How many pickles
did he give you?

This one's from home.

Okay.
All right.

Talk to me, daddy man.

Come on.

It's just not fair,
you know?

I mean, it's like the divorce
didn't affect Cassie at all.

She gets everything.
She gets the house.

She gets to be happy.

She even gets
to hand out candy

from our novelty scary hand
candy bowl that I bought.

I'm the one that fell down by
the ice machine at Rite Aid

and settled out of court
for a $12 gift card.

It's my bowl.

Oh, lady bug, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were
hurting so much.

I know everyone always
thinks I'm flying so high,

but in reality,
I'm flying real low.

Dangerously low.

Like an upskirt drone.

I hear you, buddy.

You know what
I'm gonna do?

Steal my bowl
back for me?

I was gonna say take you
trick or treating,

which is what I've been
trying to do all night,

but if getting this bowl back
means this much to you,

then I am in.

Thanks, Kay.
Yeah.

You know what,
while you're up there,

she's also got this
katana blade of mine
that I'm really...

Mason, I don't get it,
where's your house?

(CHUCKLES)
I live in that dumpster.

Oh, fool me twice.

Okay, you know what,
just give us one sec, okay?

Ooh, this is great!

Did we somehow just back in
to kidnapping this kid?

I hope he doesn't have
any Liam Neeson types
in his family.

It's not great.
What are we gonna do?

We got to call Julie.

Honestly, I don't know
what else to do.

We asked him.
We yelled at him.
We bribed him.

And as much as
it pains me to admit it,

Julie will know
how to fix this.

And then
we'll have to move,

because she's never
gonna let me forget it.

(WHISPERING)
I hate...Julie.

Why do you care so much
about what Julie thinks?

Because some part
of me looks up to her.

I mean, she's
the super mom,

and I don't know
the first thing
about that stuff,

and maybe
I never will.

Hey, what are you
talking about?

You're gonna make
a great mom.

How do you know that?
What if Julie's right?

What if I don't have
maternal instincts?

I tried to throw
a haunted house

and I ended up
snatching a kid, Jake.

What? You're crazy.

The reason that kid
doesn't want to go home

is he's having
too much fun with you.

Mason loves you.

Just like our kid
is gonna love you.

And making a kid love you
is the most important thing
about being a mom.

Actually, I think
they say loving them

is the most important thing,
but thank you.

Thank you.

So, you want me
to call Julie?

Yeah.

Wait, I think I've
got a faster way to
get this kid home.

Just follow
my lead, okay?

All right, buddy boy.
Good night!

You just run
on up to your house,

and we're gonna scoot.

Night-night.

Wait.
You're leaving me here?

Yeah, well,
of course.

This is where you live.
Silly goose.

JAKE: Don't let
the cockroaches bite.

No, wait!

I don't live here.
I live in your building.

Apartment 8-A.

I'm sorry I lied.
Please don't leave me.

Aw, little cutie.

MASON:
I'm sorry I lied.

ANNIE: Okay, don't
worry about it.

We're gonna get
you home right now,
you little scooter.

That was impressive.

How'd you know
that would work?

I don't know.
I just kind of felt it.

When you said
he loved me,

I realized there's
nothing more powerful
than withholding love.

Oh, you are gonna
make a great mom.

Hey, back
for more candy?

No, I just, uh...

See ya!
Hey!

I said,
see ya!

How are you
this strong?

Take the candy,
but leave the bowl.

No! My husband
bought me that bowl.

(VOICE ECHOES)
Bowl...bowl...bowl...

Oof!

(GASPS)

GIL: Sorry, sorry, sorry!

I was wrong.

Cassie
is hurting too.

I owe ya.

Wow.
Thank you, whoever...

You are...

Who was that masked
ginormous child

that reeks of pickles and
Michael Jordan cologne?

Wait...
Oof!

Ugh!

No, it couldn't be.

GIL: (WHINING)
Ow...

All right, sweetie.
(DOORBELL RINGS)

End of the line,
you little booger eater.

Oh, my God!

Mason, thank God!

Julie's your mom?

That explains why he
didn't want to go home.

Okay, what are you
two doing with my son?

Okay, it's a long story.

Jake lured him into
our place with candy.

In my defense,
it was supposed
to be a secret.

We didn't even know
he was there until we
started undressing.

Okay, that's it.
I'm calling the cops.

No, wait, Mom.

It's not their fault.
It's mine.

I wouldn't tell them
where I lived.

I wanted to stay with them
because they're so much fun.

Told you.

Oh, really?

Well, you are in a lot
of trouble, mister.

So you get inside

and you start practicing
that Mandarin.

I wish Annie and Jake
were my mom.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(GASPS)
(DOOR SLAMS)

What does that mean?

Die, white devil.

Ahem. He's going
through a phase.

But thank you very much
for bringing him home.

I'm sure you want to gloat,
so you can just go ahead.

I have a face in the chamber.
Just give me the green.

Stand down, Jake.

Listen, Julie.

Look, if it makes you
feel any better,

I hated my parents
when I was his age,

but now we are closer
than ever.

Actually, it does
make me feel better.

Happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween.

Wow, babe.

You are just like Oprah.

You don't have any kids
of your own,

but you tell everybody else
what to do with theirs.

Aw, you should put
that in your vows.

You are working
on those, right?

No.

(AS GARY COLEMAN)
What you talking about, Lucy?

Oh,
Different Strokes.