All language subtitles for Marry.Me.S01E01_English

Wow,
what a great trip.

Totally.
So fun.

Ah.

That was
a perfect anniversary.

Thank you.

Hands down,
best trip I've ever taken.

I cannot believe
we have been dating
for six years,

and I'm 32.

I am 32.
Wow.

You don't look a day
over early 30s.

You know, you don't meet
a lot of couples

that just date for six years,
especially post-30.

Yeah, well,
we're a special breed.

You know, it's us,
it's Goldie and Kurt,

and for a little while,
it was Tim Robbins
and Susan Sarandon,

but I think she's dating
a Ping-Pong player now.

Tough titties for Timmy
on that one.

Tough teetons
for Timbo.

Hey,
I am pooped,

which is the worst way
to say that you're tired,

but I said it,
so I'm sticking with it.

So I'm gonna
go hit the sack,

which is another
terrible way to say...

Wait!

I mean,
just hang back, buddy.

Um, before the trip
is officially over,

are you sure
there isn't anything else

you wanted to maybe, like,
ask me or whatever?

I'll pop
some champagne,

or we could sit,
or you could kneel,

should that be
more comfortable.

Ugh, champagne?
I don't know.

What are we celebrating,
how expensive that trip was?

Hey-o!
(CHUCKLES)

No, I'm exhausted,

but you have
at that champagne.

Have at, girl.

(LAUGHS)

I can't believe you didn't
propose on this trip, Jake!

There, I said it.

I said what everyone else
has been thinking/asking me

for the last five years!

Where is the damn
Skinnygirl?

Annie, turn around.

You think
this is funny?

I have been in full hair
and makeup for two weeks.

I painted my nails
in the unisex bathroom
of a Mexican tour bus.

And for what?

So my hand looked pretty
when we high-fived

after you broke your record
for most empanadas in a day?

What are you waiting for?

We're in our 30s, buddy.

If we want to have a kid
that's not all jacked up,

we better get to stepping.

We don't even
live together.
Wait a second.

You're the one who said
you didn't want to move in

until we got engaged.

I love you, Jake,
and I want to be
together forever,

but do you not
love me?

Then, please, free me
while I still have an egg.

Give me one egg.
Annie,
of course...

One egg, and I'll
pack my bag, and I'll go.

Of course I love you, okay?
Would you just turn around?

Did your garbage friend Gil
get in your head again?

Garbage friend?

Gil didn't get divorced
because "Marriage blows."

He got divorced
'cause he went

on a four-year
mozzarella marinara-thon

and now probably
can't maintain an erection

for as long as sex takes.

Your friends
are garbage people.

Hey, your best friend
always says,

"Marriage isn't a good look,"
whatever that means,

and you don't call her
a garbage person.

It's a front. Every girl
wants to get married, okay?

And Dennah might think
that she's super cool now

with her
"marriage shmarriage" attitude

and her stupid rompers,

but there's a storm a-coming,
and it's called her early 40s,

so she better just switch over
to AOL tonight,

'cause she is gonna be that
weird, sad, short-haired aunt

who brings a friend
to everything.

Oh, my God.
That was hard to follow.

Would you
just turn around?

It's your mom,
isn't it?

Watch yourself.

She doesn't like me,
does she?

Guess what,
don't like her.

She's an angel
walking amongst us.

She's the most negative person
on the planet.

She's been
through a lot.
Of friends.

She's been through
a lot of friends

'cause she's a bitch.

Whoa, time out.
Flag on the play.

I'm a catch, okay?
I'm funny.

I do hot yoga a lot,
and I didn't even freak out

when I caught you
masturbating to an US Weekly

of that surfer girl who got
her arm bitten off by a shark.

I will not
apologize for that.

Bethany deserves to be treated
just like everybody else.

Then why don't you go
marry her

and have a ton of little
one-armed babies together?

Oh, my God,
turn the (BLEEP) around!

What?

(GASPS)

Mmm.

Oh.

Yeah.

So, you know...

Will you marry me?

Yes.

I would like that very much.

Wow.

That is...
That's a beautiful ring.

Okay, everyone.
Come on out.

What?

Hey, it's the whole gang.

Gang's all here.

Gil, looking good,

not garbage-y at all.

Oh, and my dads are here.

Glad you guys could be here
to share in whatever this is.

Hey, Dennah, girl.

I'm loving that romper.

Everybody's here.

Yes, yes.

Well, should we move on
to the toasts?

Mom, do you want
to kick us off?

Myrna...
Mrs. Schuffman.

Too soon
to call you Mom?

(HOME BY EDWARD SHARPE AND
THE MAGNETIC ZEROS PLAYING)

(WHISTLING)

* Oh, home

* Let me come home

* Home is wherever
I'm with you

* Oh, home

* Let me come home

* Home is
when I'm alone with you

* Home

* Let me come home

I am so sorry
about all of this, Taryn.

Thank you for coming.

Dennah, oh, my gosh,

can we just chalk this up
to constructive criticism?

Fearless feedback, Gil.

I love you.
Dads...

Aw, sweetie,
it's gonna be okay.

Eh.

Cute shoes, though.

Thanks for not trashing us.

Oh, my God,

that was honestly the...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

You're leaving too?

Uh, yeah.

(SIGHS)

Jake, I am so sorry.

I love you more than myself,
truly.

Thank you. That means a lot.

But I think I'm just gonna
sleep at my place tonight,

if that's okay.
No.

I love you more than anything.

I just don't want
to be in this moment

for one more second.

Tough but fair.

It's really tough
and really fair.

It's both.
Jake, wait.

Just to clarify, though,

we are engaged, or we're not?

'Cause I'd just love to
sort of

take a victory lap
around the Internet.

Cannot joke my way
out of this. Got you.

You know what? No,
we're not engaged.

Not yet, because I don't want
to tell this story

for the next 60 years.

So just...
Just let me propose again

in a few days.

You think you can wait
a few more days,

my...my crazy, little maniac?

(LAUGHS)
Are you kidding?

Can I wait?

Yeah, I can wait.

I'm chill, you know?
I'm hella chill.

You do it.
You don't do it.

You know, whatever.
But definitely do it, right?

Sure.

What's the worst
that can happen?

(SIGHS)
Oh, my God.

Wow, I feel
so bad for them.

Totally, me too.

Mmm.

Question, though.

When Annie was saying
that stuff

about me not having
great erections,

you think she actually, like,
heard that from somebody,

or is she just guessing
based on my recent weight gain

and unpredictable crying?

Unclear.

But as long
as we are chatting,

are people
not feeling my rompers?

I mean,
you guys can tell me

if you don't think this
should be my signature look.

Oh, yeah, no.

I don't think that.

You look like
a hypersexualized toddler.

Well, congrats.

That was your daughter
in there, Kevin.

Oh, so when she gets into NYU,
she's your daughter, Kevin,

but when she has
a 15-minute freak-out
while we're stuffed

in a freestanding wardrobe,
she's my daughter?

No, I mean, I think we can
literally solve the mystery

of which one of our sperms
impregnated the surrogate,

because that was classic you
in there, Kev-o.

Um, didn't we sort of
have a hunch

the first time
we saw her skin?

We agreed that she could just
be really light-skinned.

Let's just call
a spade a...oh.
Oh.

It's a figure of speech.

* Pretty, pretty please

* Don't you ever, ever feel

* Like you're less than

(BLEEP)

* Perfect

* To m...
Um, mom?

You passed my building,
like, three choruses ago.

* Pretty, pretty please

Oh, no.

Come on.

Ca-caw.
Ca-caw.

Look over here.

You're cute. I'm Jake.
No big whoop.

Okay, more of
a high-five girl.
I get it, okay.

Up top,
ring the bell one time.

Help me out here.

My arm's getting cramped up.
Do something.

You know, you really
shouldn't eat at that place

'cause the owners
give tons of money
to oppose gay marriage,

and my dads
are gay, so...

Enjoy your
hate nachos.

Wow, I did not know that.

I eat here
all the time.

I am sorry.

(EXHALES)

I love gay people.
I have four gay friends.

Not that I'm collecting
or counting them.

Not that they don't count
as much

as everybody else
in this world.

My point is "Hi."

Hi.

I'm Jake.
I'm Annie.

Hi, Annie.
Hi.

Let me ask you something,
Annie.

Do you think our relationship
can recover,

knowing that I eat
at a homophobic taqueria?

It's not great.
It's not great, right?

It's just not...
Not a great start.

Is there any way
to recover?
Here you go.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, there must be
some sort of mix-up.

This is not mine.

What do you mean, Annie?
That's your usual.

Family-sized nachos,

extra meat,
double the beans...

What are you doing?

Oh, your punch card.

Looks like
next time's on the casa.

Wow, so you're, like,
a horrible person.

Oh, yeah.
I thought that was clear.

No, from over there,
you seemed like
a very sweet person.

But now that you've
really delved in...

Well, now that I see...

The full picture...
The full picture, right?

Yeah, I'm the worst.
It's horrible, yeah.

(CRIES)

(YELPS)

Congratulations!
(SCREAMS)

Ooh.

Kay, what are you doing here?

Sorry, I missed the cue
to come out,

and then you guys
were fighting,

and then you were sobbing
uncontrollably.

I mean, there never really
was a great window,

but don't worry,
I did not pee in your hamper.

Thanks?

Oh, I was bad, Kay.

I gotta figure out
how to fix this.

Ooh, I'm so sorry, Annie.

I did pee in it.

(GROANING)

Ugh, I'm sweating
like Shaq.

Wow, Dennah.

That's a textbook
dandayamana,

textbook.

Annie,
great determination.

Thank you.

I wish he'd just say
I'm bad at yoga.

It'd be way less
embarrassing

than listening to him
search for a compliment
for me every week.

I'm loving
the sweatpants, Annie.

Way to not
give in to trends.

Wait, so let me
get this straight.

You're not engaged?

Ugh, I waited for this
for 32 years,

and had I waited,
like, 32 more seconds...

This is just
like that time

I was so excited
to get a hamster,

I literally
pet it to death.

You told me
he ran away.

His soul ran away.

I thought we were just
gonna go see a movie.

If I knew we were
going shopping,

I would've taken a shower,
brushed my teeth,

and refused
to go shopping.

Hey-o!

Look, I gotta get
some new clothes.

What Annie said
really hit me.

I'm a 34-year-old,
divorced hair plug salesman

with sleep apnea and a body
like a bag of ground beef.

I gotta make
some changes quick.

Which reminds me,
you want to go
on a hike later?

A hike? You're winded
from that monologue.

Ooh, now, see?
Look, this is a shirt.

Whoa, why is there
a tiny pocket

between
the shoulder blades?

It's, like,
unreachable.

What do you put
in that thing?

I don't know,
Seinfeld.

How about
whatever I want?

Pennies for
a wishing well,

a hot girl's
cocaine,

a little ice cream
tasting spoon...

You travel with your own
ice cream tasting spoon?

When I'm
on an ice cream crawl.

Oh, that's fair.

Jake's not even
answering his phone.

I mean, I can't wait around
for him to propose again.

I have to do
something splashy

to make everybody forget
this ever happened.

I...my body doesn't go
with these places.

Come on, you've got to
help me fix this.

Oh, I'd love to help,

but I'm super slammed.

I'm switching to AOL
because I'm gonna be

a sad, short-haired aunt,
remember?

I'm really sorry,
okay?

You know
I love you the most.

It's cool.
You pretty much nailed me.

Dead to rights.
Tip to tail.

Whoo, you're gonna be
alone forever.

Too far.
Hey, too far.

Thank you.

Annie, if that's
your blue Camry out front,

really great parking job.

Thank you.

Well, look, you dodged
a bullet, man.

Marriage blows.

And hey, the best part is
we're both single again

for the first time
since college.

We can go out tanging together
every night, my dude.

Me and Annie
didn't break up.

I love her, okay?

And the last thing
I want to do is go tanging.

I hated casual sex.

The second it was over,
all I could think was,

"Oh, you're pregnant,
and I have HPV."

Who doesn't?
Am I right?

I don't.
Do you?

I assume I do.

They say 60% to 70%
of the population has it.

You assume you do?

There's no stigma
on it anymore.

You don't even have
to tell people.

Of course you have
to tell people about it.

Nobody told me
about it.

What if I pulled the goalie,
just got pregnant?

Yes, everyone would be
so happy for you,

they'd forget
everything.
Exactly.

But then I'm stuck
with a baby, though.

Where am I
putting that thing?

Ew.

Ugh, what we really need
is a time machine.

Totally.

Although I don't think
my proposal

would be our first stop
with a time machine.

We'd have to...
BOTH: Save Princess Di.

Oh, I miss her
every day.

Every single day.

So pretty.

Wait, I've got it.

I should propose to Jake.

Like, super romantic.
Think about it.

Then that will become
our official proposal story.

Okay, but doesn't
you proposing

kind of go against everything
you've ever wanted?

Life is
full of compromises.

For instance,
my shoes, designer.

My shampoo,
for horses.
That's disgusting.

My hair's coarse
and very thick.

Dennah,
great workout today.

Annie...
Thank you.

Thanks for mopping up
all your sweat.

Thank you.

(MELLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Annie, what are you doing
at my place of employment?

May I have
your attention,
please?

Oh.

Hi, Jake.
Holy (BLEEP).

And hello,
Jake's coworkers.

You may remember me
from last year's
company picnic

as the girl who broke
her leg and the legs

of your colleague Daniel
during the three-legged race.

Hi, Daniel.
Hi, Annie.

But that is not
what brings me
here today.

Jake, I am so, so sorry.

Can we please
just pretend

like the last few days
didn't happen,

like we just landed
from that amazing week
in Mexico?

I am throwing us

an awesome do-over
engagement party tonight.

I invited everyone...

Well, not any of you.

Sorry.

But first,
I want to do over
the proposal...

Here?

And make it perfect
like you deserve,

'cause you're perfect,

and, well, I love you.

(CLATTERING)

What is this?

I don't know
who put that there.

I don't...
You want me to...

No, no,
I want to do it myself.

Got it.

Jake...
Annie.

Will you marry me?

Yes, okay, yes. Okay?
That was very nice.

We're engaged!
That's very nice of you.

Just for now,
"shh" please.

He said yes.
I said yes.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Uh, not to kill
the mood here,

but did she just say
you guys were in Mexico
last week?

'Cause you told me
you were in the hospital

in agony over whether
or not to pull the plug
on your dad.

What's that, now?

Not gonna sugarcoat it.
That was bad.

Why would you
bring up Mexico?

I told you specifically
that I lied to my boss.

I know.
I'm so sorry.

I guess I just...
I got caught up
in the moment.

You're always
caught up
in the moment.

You're perpetually
caught up in every
single moment.

Why does everything
have to be such a huge
production with you?

It's like dating
a drag queen.

Well, it's not
my fault, okay?

I mean,
have you met my dads?

Hey!

They named me
after a musical!

So I guess we're just

gonna take separate cars
to the engagement party?

Oh, no.

You okay?

Not really, no.

I'm supposed to be
at my engagement party
right now,

but we keep getting
into these huge fights,

and I don't even know

if we're technically
engaged at this point.

Why does everything
have to be so hard?

Like, is it a sign
or something?

No, I meant,
"You okay?"

as in, "Is there anything
else I can get you?"

Like water.

Oh, maybe a little
bit more guac.

Okay.
Okay.

(I GOT YOU BABE PLAYING)

ALL:
* Babe

* I got you, babe

* I got you, babe

* You are flat, babe

* Uh, you've been flat
your whole life, babe *

Ah, screw you, Gil.

I wish you ever would,
Cassie.

I got a Punxsutawney Phil
in my shorts.

Is it gonna be
a long winter?

I don't know!
He never gets out!

Oh, I cannot believe
you told these idiots

about our sex life!

I want a divorce, Cassie,
for real this time.

That was horrifying.

This next song
goes out to Jake.

I Will Always Love You.

Wait, just to clarify,
the song is
I Will Always Love You.

I wasn't saying,
"I love you,"
'cause neither of us

has said it yet even
though we've been
together a year.

Not that I care, though,
because I am, like,
totally cool with whatever.

And to be clear, though,
I don't not love you.

I just... I wasn't gonna
say it till you did.

So technically,
and, you guys,
back me up here,

I did not say it.

Should I have picked
a different song?

I think so.
Okay, okay, okay.

The thing with
my life is that...

Okay, no,
calm down, calm down.

I will always
love you too.

* And I

* Will always love you

* I

* Will always love you

Check, please.

Check, please.
(CHUCKLES)

No, I'm not doing a bit.
I literally mean it.

I'm not saying, like,
"Check, please."

(PHONE VIBRATING)
I mean check, please.

Annie, Annie.

I am so sorry
that I'm not...

No, Jake, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Oh, good.

Well, then I guess
we're okay, then?

Totally.

But while I do have you
on the phone,

you don't think
that any of those
botched proposals

or huge fights are,
like, a sign

that we're not supposed
to be together or anything,
do you?

No, no.
Are you kidding me?

Nah, I don't
believe in signs.

(CHUCKLES)
Right, okay.
You know what?

Stay where you are.
I am coming to you.

Awesome.
Wait, how do you know
where I am, though?

Oh, you're at our
engagement party, right?

No.
You're not there either?

Then where are you?

WAITRESS: You okay?

Check, please.
Okay.

Annie, turn around.

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.
Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, Jake,
this is so crazy.

This is nuts.
We're nuts.
This is so crazy, Jake.

Jake, I really
am so sorry.
No.

For some reason,
I always just, like,
explode my life.

But that is why
I need you.

Without you,
I would spin off
into space

like Sandra Bullock
in Gravity.

But you keep
me grounded,

like Sandra Bullock
in real life.

She always seems
so approachable,

you know what I mean?
Like...

Well, I mean,
it's just her and her son.

You know what?
I need your explosions.

You...
You challenge me.

You're like my little,
exploding Challenger.

Oh, no, that's not
a good turn of phrase.

No, R.I.P.
to the whole crew up there.

Okay, Annie,
I thought about everything,

and I waited too long
to propose,

just like I waited
too long to tell you
that I loved you,

even though I loved you
the moment I saw you.

Aw, I actually thought

you were a dick
the moment I saw you.

Super hurtful.

But after that,
I loved you,

and now, I could not
love another human more.

Come on.
I couldn't.

Hey.

Wait, wait.
What?

This is a sign,
though, the fact
that we're both here.

This is a sign
that we're supposed
to be together.

Yes, we literally
cannot get away
from each other.

We're like Paula Deen
and the N-word.

But thank God, though,
because that first sign,

the one that
clearly stated

we should not be together,
was giving me serious pause.

Yeah, no,
it was a devil of a sign,

I mean, as obvious
as you can get,

but this sign
trumps that sign.

So I say "no,"
to that first sign,

and "hello,"
with open arms...
"Hey, what's up?"

...to the other sign,
right?
Yes, yes.

You know what,
screw this.

I'm gonna propose
to you right now.

What?
That's what's
gonna happen.

I'm gonna propose.

Annie,
will you marry me?

Yes.
Yeah?

Yes, yes!
(LAUGHS)

(APPLAUSE)

Ooh, whoa.
Hey, wait a second.

If we're here,
both of us,

then who's at the party?

Unbelievable.

I mean, I have
other things going on
besides celebrating

this engagement
for a week straight.

Me too.

Well, not really,
but I still think
it is pretty rude.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, we're here.

Don't go. Don't go.
We're here.

We're here,
and we are
engaged for real,

and it was
spectacular, so...

Yeah, yeah!
Yeah.

Now let's head inside
for a toast.

Let's do it.
Whoo!

Yes, let's drink,
my God.

You know, why don't
we all take a break

from rejoicing
in your love?

Let's save a little
for the wedding,

which should be
a real treat.

Can't wait to get
my eyes on that,

if this bitch
is even invited.
ANNIE: Wait, wait, wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, Myrna?

Myrna.

Sorry, Myrna,
this is just...

And I turned
that into a hug.

Look, I am so sorry.

I never had a mom, okay?

I am the product
of an egg from a lesbian

my dads no longer speak to

and one of their sperms.

We'll never know which one.

It's very clear.

There's just
no way to know.

And that's
what's so beautiful.

The point is,
I think you are great.

You are who I would
want to be my mom
if I could pick,

and I only insulted you
because the easiest way

to hurt a guy
is to go after his mom,

and that's how I fight,

beast mode.

I wanted to hurt Jake.

I never wanted to hurt you.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, I respect
the strategy.

It's how I always
used to fight with Don.

Granted, we ended up
bitterly divorced,

and then he died.

But I regret
nothing, so...

Aw, thank you.

Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ah, my sweet Gil,
I am so sorry.

I don't think
you're a garbage person.

Thank you,
'cause I feel like I'm not,

and also, I felt like
we were friends.

But then you said that,
and I was like, "Am I?"

And, "Are we?"

You're not,
and we are.

Oh...
Mmm.

Hey, thank you.

JAKE: All right,
so who would like
to go upstairs

and get a drink?

Not as a celebration
of our engagement in any way

whatsoever, just a drink
amongst family and friends.

Super low-key,
no presh...

No, I mean, 'cause it is
not about us tonight.

Oh, God, shut up.

JAKE: Yes, you got it.
ANNIE: Wow, okay,
tough talk.

That's my daughter.

No, that's my daughter.

No, that's my daughter.

I'm sorry.

I thought we were all
just gonna start saying,

"That's my daughter."

ANNIE: Why would
everyone say that?

JAKE: I love you.