All language subtitles for Absolute Power s02e05 Spinning America.eng

Good God, what size is yours, then?

You're one of the few people
in this office with no chance

of ever knowing, Charles.

This is the Forte.
They've just brought it in at Beanies.

What's that? The Piccolo?

Even if your drinks
weren't penis substitutes...

You'd know all about those.
Bet you've got a drawer-full.

You shouldn't buy coffee
from Froth's or Beanies.

Every sip from one of those places
is raping Colombia

and enriching an American corporation.

Yes, well.
Morning!

Well, frankly, the little
Italian cafe that you patronise

can hardly be called
a pattern of ethical virtue.

It's like something
out of the Sopranos, isn't it?

Thank-you.
Milk in first, leaf not bag?

I just followed the e-mail.

MARTIN: Sorry you're late, Cat.

Overslept?

Oh... yes.

I left her sleeping.

You slept with him?
Christ, no.

If I'd had sex with Jamie, I'd have
left the house earlier than usual.

I was up late watching these.

The boxed set of Friends, including
the lost episode and network trailers.

Oh, dictionary corner, Jamie.

The government needs a word
for its new policy announcements.

They can't call it a relaunch -

they've had three already this year.

I think there's a Thesaurus on this.

There are no synonyms for relaunch.

Oh. Technology failure, everyone.

Jamie's having to fall back on his brain.

"A New Beginning"?

That gives the impression
that they're changing tack.

They are!

We know that. But they want panic
to look like consistency.

What about "Same Shit, New Bucket"?

JAMIE: "The Big Ideas"?

Then they'd get sued
for misrepresentation.

It would be so much easier
if politics were like software.

They could just call it
Bollocks 1, Bollocks 1.1,

Bollocks XP Home Edition...

Oh, look, there's a story
about our Fatties campaign...

TV: Profits of up to 30%.

Business commentators say

the shift reflects recent bad
publicity over obesity in Britain

and a government campaign
on healthy eating.

With me is the Shadow
Health Secretary John Kennedy.

Mr Kennedy, isn't this
a triumph for the government?

Their healthy eating message
getting through?

No, I don't accept that.

But the government has just run
a huge advertising campaign

with the slogan...

Don't Be A Fat-Head, and fast-food
chains can't give chips away.

You're saying it's coincidence?

Yes, that's exactly
what I'm saying.

Can't they get beyond just
disagreeing with the other side?

It's so unsophisticated.

Yes, I know. The trick is
compliments with a sting.

This government's doing a great job,

if you like extremism,
political correctness, cronyism...

Look, this hasn't happened

because the government's
paid some smart PR firm

to convince people they want to be thin...

Oh, hasn't it?

I must say, I'm very glad to see

our healthy eating campaign for
the government is getting through.

Though remind me not to
use you as a spokesman.

PR, young Jamie
is about theory not practice.

A philosopher may well be able to argue
that a table doesn't exist, in principle.

But he can still have
his dinner off one.

Why is the public junking junk-food?

Because this is about Iraq.

The public are voting
with their mouths,

saying to this government
and its bosses in Washington,

we're sick of your milk shakes.

And I'll go further.

In the past, we have boycotted
South African wine and Zimbabwean...

whatever it is Zimbabwe produces...
in order to send messages to regimes

despised around the world.

I am asking the British public
for an economic boycott

of another hated administration.

Let's stop buying
all American food and drink.

Say no to a Big Mac,
say no to Iraq!

I love the smell of a career
burning in the morning.

You think he's finished?

Rule number one of British politics,
don't piss in the Atlantic.

The Leader of the Opposition

won't tolerate Kennedy inventing
foreign policy on television.

He'll have to sack him for that.

It's a smashing place, full of
really lovely folk and locations.

Namibia's main export is diamonds
and, you know, that's right.

Because this country is a real gem.

Was that "Beautiful Botswana"?

"Nice Namibia". It's homework.

I always said I'd rather saw off my leg
than watch a Peter Harrow programme.

Ah, the tone doesn't change much.

In his Zimbabwe programme, he said
what a lovely smile Mugabe had.

Well, now he's invited
Alison and me for lunch.

He's probably unsure about whether
to take the knighthood from the Queen

or go straight for beatification
from the Vatican.

Charles, there's a call
from the American Embassy.

Send it through upstairs.

MAN: OK.

That's the iris scan done.

Do we conclude from all this that Britain
has been added to the axis of evil?

Sir, I have to warn you that
humour can become a security issue.

OK. Now just a few questions.

Is it now...
Or has it ever been?

Is it now, or has it ever been,

your intention to overthrow by force

the government
of the United States of America?

Good lord! Don't tell me that
thing can read minds as well?

Meanwhile, there's been
an escalation of support

for the Shadow Health Secretary's
call for a boycott

of American food and drink.

Many restaurants have taken
American dishes off their menus.

In London, people have been
taking their protest

against American
fast-food outlets to the streets.

Oh, the bonfire of the calories.
How uplifting.

Gentlemen, the government
of the United States of America

is grateful for your attendance today.

Well, it shows your country is more
forward-Iooking than people think.

I assumed the US Ambassador would
be some sort of lard-arsed red-neck.

Prejudice can be a terrible thing.

Mr Ambassador,
Charles Prentiss and Martin McCabe.

Your Excellency.

J Thompson Lucas IV,
Ambassador to the Court of St James.

My friends call me Tommy.

Gentlemen, I like to start
these little meetings with a prayer.

O, Lord, may thy wisdom be
as a light unto the nations of the world.

Amen.
Amen!

Hear, hear.
Absolutely.

I'm sorry, gentlemen.
It may be a little stale in here.

We've had to switch the air-con off.

Students are holding
a bagel-burning under the vent.

You've met Hazel...

under-secretary for public affairs?

May we offer you some fine iced tea?

You couldn't run to heated-up tea?

This is kinda the way we like it.

Gentlemen, we have brought you here
to help us solve a mystery.

Why does everybody hate America?

I'll have the clam chowder, please.

And a Waldorf salad to start.

Easy on the walnuts,
if that isn't too much trouble.

I'm afraid we don't have either
of those dishes today.

Oh, Lord. Well, look, I'II, er...

You two...

I'll have the hamburger. Rare -
in fact, tell the chef haemophiliac.

We've taken the American dishes off
the menu. Most people have the special.

What's that?

Fish and chips.
Right.

Christ. It might be cool to have
ONE English retro dish on the menu

as an ironic option, but not as a theme.

Thank you for seeing me
at such short notice.

If all our clients were
as little trouble as you,

Prentiss McCabe
would go out of business.

Ah.

I rather feared
that's how you see me.

This problem
you want us to deal with...

Yes. These are the latest
press cuttings you sent me.

"Is Peter Harrow
The Nicest Man In The World?"

"The Man I'd Love To Marry."
"Britain's Most Shaggable Guy."

I don't see the problem.

You think these press cuttings are good?

But have you seen
where they've come from?

These two come from Saga magazine.

The headline goes on, "The Man I'd Love
To Marry When My Husband Dies."

This one,
"Britain's Most Shaggable Guy."

That comes from
Sex For The Over-Seventies magazine.

You see, I have a reputation
for being nice and being old.

The last travel show the BBC bought
was Chris Moyles Monsters Marbella.

The BBC have been sitting on
Sublime Sudan for 18 months.

Absolutely. That's why
I need you to help me.

I've had enough of being TV's Mr Nice.

I need to be hated!

It's unusual. Our job is normally,
"She certainly didn't look 14."

"He downloaded the images
for his new book."

That kind of thing.
What you need is a reverse makeover.

A hate-over!

We've had some of the best minds
in Washington working on this

for a month, and we just do not get it.

I mean, America - what's not to like?

Um, Korea, Vietnam, Libya,
Grenada, Iraq.

The movies of Chevy Chase.

Malaya, Suez, the Falklands...

Iraq...

Benny Hill.

Gentlemen, the situation is, as I am being
driven through the streets of London now,

I see Ronald McDonald
burning on bonfires,

I see Budweiser
being poured down storm-drains.

Peanut-butter sales in the UK
are down 90% this fiscal.

Now, bad enough when the
Brits all want to be skinny.

But this... this Kennedy guy
is running the Boston tea party in reverse.

You have an expression, um,
"what goes around, comes around."

Do you remember that time

when you were boycotting
Burgundy wine and Evian water?

Chirac dissed us on Iraq.

Yes. Did it never occur to you

that while you were renaming
French fries "freedom fries"

that someday
someone might do the same to you?

This Administration accepts that
the United States has made enemies.

This Administration
wishes to make a fresh beginning.

We want you to create a campaign

that will convince
the people of Britain

to LOVE America again.

I'll get that. I absolutely insist.

You're too kind.
No, it's the least I can do.

I wasn't being English. I mean it.

You are too kind.
This is what we have to stop.

Some other time, maybe.

If you'll excuse me, I've got to go.

I'm judging an art exhibition.

Great Ormond Street.

Terminal Ward.
Poor kids. That's great.

No, it's better than that.
It's perfect. Sit down, have a brandy.

Bunk off the sickie exhibition.

Pictures of weeping chemo-kids
in tomorrow's papers.

We couldn't buy
better publicity than that.

Look, Jamie, maybe this could be
like the last bar of chocolate

before I go on the diet, eh?

Oh! I almost forgot the tip.

What a lovely man.

Alison, did you miss this meeting?

Religion.
Little Jimmy Osmond.

Neo-Conservatism.
Spelling.

J-Lo.

Excellent.

Now, GOOD points about America?

Ben & Jerry's.

Botox.

CHARLES: Come on,
I know this is difficult.

No-one's ever spun
a whole country before, but...

Well, there are historical examples,

but they all involve either
changing the name of the country

or putting
the black population in charge -

neither of which will go down
tremendously well in Middle America.

CHARLES: Oh, come on!

Surely the world's only superpower
has got more going for it than ice-cream

and cosmetic surgery.

Right turn on red light if road clear.

I'd bring that in here
if I were transport minister.

It'd be LEFT turn.

Come on, Alison.
You haven't said anything yet.

I'm not really the person for this.

Before John Kennedy was on to this,
I was boycotting America.

I have nothing to do with the place
at all if I can help it.

Oh, yes? What's your favourite film then?

The Piano.

Oh, Christ. Obviously.
Well, apart from The Piano?

Um, When Harry Met Sally...
um, Lost In Translation.

Um...

Annie Hall.

Hardly un-American activities, then.

And your favourite TV shows?

Um, Friends... Frasier...

Seinfeld, er, Will And Grace.

I think we may have discovered
the truth of world politics.

The only people who can be convinced
of the point of America are Americans.

I think the solution lies
at the English end of things.

I'm going to ask John Kennedy
to have lunch with me.

What's the point? You won't stop him
spouting anti-American stuff.

I don't want to stop him.

I want to encourage him
to carry on spouting.

The English cod
and French fries, please.

Oh, tell me,
any complaints about the new menu?

The occasional American tourist.

We send them round the
corner to McDonalds. Sir?

The all-day
full English breakfast for me.

And to drink?
Oh, tea, tea.

And in a blue-and-white
striped mug, if you've got one.

So, why did you want to see me?

Well, as an old college friend...
Which you weren't...

I'm delighted
to see you doing so well.

No, you're not.

The word at Westminster

is that you're working for
the American Embassy against me.

No, I'm not.

Yes, I am. But in PR -
we're not like politicians.

We don't have to believe
everything we do.

I'm taking their money
because they asked first.

But yours is the campaign
that really fascinates me.

There's never been anything
like it in British politics.

You've always said you wanted
to be this nation's John Kennedy,

and now... in a sense... you are.

How prescient of your parents
to name you after him.

I know.

When the Lib Dems got a Kennedy for
a leader, I thought that had bollocksed it.

But people never thought of Jack
when they looked at him.

No. More Teddy, really.

So you want me to believe that you've
come here to give me some free advice?

Don't be silly, John!

No, in my business, we take a fee
off a urinal after pissing in it.

Tell me, John, why don't you trust me?

Because you're a satanic,
amoral double-dealer

who's employed by the other side.

Well, you're right.

I am a total bastard.

And I'm playing both sides.
But I won't tell my colleagues, my client,

the Chancellor of the Exchequer
about you,

if you think
that my advice is worth paying for.

Well, I may,

when I've heard that advice.

Well, we both know, John,

that you've always wanted
to be leader of the Tory party.

What I have in here
will transform your career forever.

Read it.

People will call it
the speech of your life.

Yes, hello, this is Alison at Prentiss
McCabe, leaving a message for Lulu.

Um, Lulu, I got your message

about whether we can get you
on to Celebrity Enema.

Um, I've spoken with Channel 4,

and it seems that it was just an April
Fools spoof in Broadcast magazine.

Yep, there's actually no such series.
Sorry about that.

Cat, could you call Michael Winner
and Jeremy Clarkson

and tell them the same, please? Thanks.

There's a huge picket line
of liberals outside,

shouting, "America,
wake up and smell the coffee!"

Right, let's love-bomb
the Peter Harrow problem. Cat?

Just nudge me a bit. Client or colleague?

TV's "Mr Travel".

How do we turn Mr Nice into Mr Vice?

He could always sleep with your
sister at your cousin's wedding.

Seems to be an effective method.

I'm just using that as a generic
example of bad male behaviour.

Although you're famous for never coming
up with an idea without researching it.

So, what we need is for Peter Harrow
to be accused of sexual deviance

and falling professional standards.

Does he have a mistress
who could blab?

No. He fell in love with a 14-year old...

That's good -
the Bill Wyman of TV travel.

...when he was ALSO 14.
They've been together 50 years now.

Bastard. OK...

Incest?
No. Only child.

JAMIE: It's actually quite hard to
come up with anything shocking.

40 years ago, BBC presenters
were sacked for getting divorced.

Now, if they hump a donkey,
they're on the next series of I'm A Celeb.

Cat, have you got a copy of
Harrow's Super Switzerland episode?

Haven't you seen his back catalogue?
It's for the American campaign.

VOICEOVER: Britain, 2010.

A fast-food giant has driven out
English restaurants from the high street.

If you buy the super-size fondue,
you get a free William Tell doll.

VOICEOVER: At the local cinema,
the latest blockbuster is playing.

And home-grown bands don't have
a chance of topping the charts.

(YODELLING)

If there HAS to be a world superpower,
aren't you glad it isn't Switzerland?

Not bad, Jamie.
Not bad at all.

Which is why, Ozzy, I think you're made
for the part of Shane in Emmerdale.

He is a tramp, yes.

Monosyllabic,
but it's a great little cameo.

He does indeed die in the first episode,

but who wants to hang around
Emmerdale,

watching their career
give up the ghost?

And you'll be up
for Best Guest Artist In A Role

of Under Eight Words
at the British Soap Awards.

You might think you recognised the angry
customer screaming at staff

in that CCTV footage filmed
at a London hotel this week.

But then you'll have thought, "It can't be,
because Peter Harrow - TV's Mr Nice -

"would never do that." Right?

Well, wrong, according to the tabloid
newspaper which obtained that footage.

The Daily News alleges that television's
veteran traveller insisted three times

on a change of room and responded
with four-letter words

when staff refused him a fourth move.

We're joined by Mr Harrow's
PR representative, Jamie Front.

I suppose you're going to give us

the usual flimflam about
this being taken out of context?

No. In fact, for those of your
viewers who lack lip-reading skills,

what Mr Harrow is saying
on the footage is...

"I realise that, in the pathetic
little country you come from,

"beds are not a high priority

"because the women sleep on brothel
cots and the men on mortuary slabs.

"But I have walked on marble floors
in Spanish cathedrals

"which were more comfortable than
what you laughingly call a mattress.

"If you and the other
Colombian drug mules

"behind the reception desk
weren't so busy

"dashing to the lavatory to retrieve
the condoms full of cocaine

"floating around your bellies,

"then maybe you'd have some time
for your customers."

Then he goes on to compare
the bar staff with the Nazi party...

but you get the general idea.

I do. Impressively honest as well.

But who do you think
leaked this video to the press?

It was clearly somebody determined
to destroy Peter Harrow's reputation.

Well, that person may have failed
because we're just hearing, Jamie,

that Peter Harrow has issued
a full apology to the hotel staff involved...

and he has agreed to give
a charity lecture there.

Jamie, that's got to be good news
for you as his PR, hasn't it?

Yes. That is entirely typical
of Peter Harrow.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Force of habit, I suppose.

The Times Diary rang me to ask how I felt
about the hotel reception thing.

I just wasn't thinking,
and said, "I'm so terribly sorry."

I'm so terribly sorry.

I don't think I can forgive John Kennedy

for tapioca being the dessert
of the day at the Ivy.

But I'm going to give you
a second chance.

I want you to go to Heathrow Airport...

The American President last night
authorised emergency aid

to the US beef and corn industries

which have been hit by John Kennedy's
campaign against junk food.

And there's more bad
news for the White House.

Mr Kennedy, encouraged by
the success of his campaign,

has now announced plans to stand
against the leader of the opposition.

Sources close to the Shadow
Health Minister have suggested

he'll use his first public appearance

since challenging for the leadership

to set out the key strategy
of his manifesto.

Aren't you going to stay and find out
who the leader of the opposition is?

Very useful for pub quizzes.

I thought you said
you were going to fix Kennedy.

I did, didn't I?

Gentlemen, this is a precaution.

The FBI has put out an alert
about anthrax aftershave.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Tara,
it was an April Fools joke...

Hello.

What?

Oh, no.

Jamie, Peter Harrow's been arrested.

If there has to be a world superpower,
aren't you glad it isn't Switzerland?

Why everybody loves America.

That had a slickness
that was almost... American.

The rest of it is just variations
on the same theme, really.

Belgium fills the high street
with waffle bars.

Canada replaces the Grand National
with moose racing - that sort of thing.

Excuse me, Mr Ambassador,

we're hearing that John
Kennedy's going nuclear.

Think not about what that
country has done to you,

but rather what you can
still do to that country.

(APPLAUSE)

This campaign has already
had an effect upon our menus.

But, my fellow Britons,
protest can not be a la carte.

What is the point
of refusing to eat cheeseburgers,

when every Friday night
we're helping Julia Roberts

or Tom Cruise to buy another yacht?

(APPLAUSE)

So, tonight,

I am calling for a total boycott
of all American products.

Let our multiplexes say no
to Spiderman 3,

and run seasons
of Peter Greenaway films instead.

Let us wear plimsolls

instead of Nikes

and British Home Stores slacks
instead of Levi's...

Well, I don't think
that frightening English folks

with the idea of fondue and Heidi at
the movies is gonna be enough, do you?

Ma'am, the FBI FedExed this.

Ah, the Kennedy dossier.

Surveillance confirms
that Charles Seymour Prentiss

has been secretly advising
the Kennedy campaign.

Where exactly IS Guantanamo Bay?

Oh, come on,
haven't you learnt your lesson yet

about not trusting
what you read in dossiers?

This was all part
of the same campaign.

Like Kennedy calling for the
total economic isolation of the USA

was gonna help us?

It's a point.

Look, British politics
has always been Diet Coke.

I spun Kennedy
into giving them "the real thing".

Kennedy's speech showed people
what it would be like to be English,

to be REALLY English -

the films, the clothes, the food.

Now, to use a quaint
American expression of yours,

that is so NOT what
the British people want.

I guarantee you, there'll be a run
on Egg McMuffins by lunchtime.

I can't believe
we're celebrating a client's arrest.

Is it true that you hit
a Virgin check-in girl?

It was pure luck. I booked myself
into economy, like Jamie said.

All ready to get drunk
and be rude to the working classes.

But the check-in girl said

that my programmes
were her parents' only comfort

during their terminal illnesses.

I said I didn't want an upgrade,
she said I had to. So... BOOM!

Good man.

Absolutely. I start filming
in Beirut on Tuesday.

I thought you'd covered Beirut already.
That was Beautiful Beirut.

This is different - grittier.
I'm A Celebrity Hostage.

(MOBILE BLEEPS)

God.

What?

"Tory leadership contender,
John Kennedy, shot."

Well, he always said he wanted
to be Britain's JFK, didn't he?

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