Original subtitles

Good God, what size is yours, then?

You're one of the few people in this office with no chance

of ever knowing, Charles.

This is the Forte. They've just brought it in at Beanies.

What's that? The Piccolo?

Even if your drinks weren't penis substitutes...

You'd know all about those. Bet you've got a drawer-full.

You shouldn't buy coffee from Froth's or Beanies.

Every sip from one of those places is raping Colombia

and enriching an American corporation.

Yes, well. Morning!

Well, frankly, the little Italian cafe that you patronise

can hardly be called a pattern of ethical virtue.

It's like something out of the Sopranos, isn't it?

Thank-you. Milk in first, leaf not bag?

I just followed the e-mail.

MARTIN: Sorry you're late, Cat.

Overslept?

Oh... yes.

I left her sleeping.

You slept with him? Christ, no.

If I'd had sex with Jamie, I'd have left the house earlier than usual.

I was up late watching these.

The boxed set of Friends, including the lost episode and network trailers.

Oh, dictionary corner, Jamie.

The government needs a word for its new policy announcements.

They can't call it a relaunch -

they've had three already this year.

I think there's a Thesaurus on this.

There are no synonyms for relaunch.

Oh. Technology failure, everyone.

Jamie's having to fall back on his brain.

"A New Beginning"?

That gives the impression that they're changing tack.

They are!

We know that. But they want panic to look like consistency.

What about "Same Shit, New Bucket"?

JAMIE: "The Big Ideas"?

Then they'd get sued for misrepresentation.

It would be so much easier if politics were like software.

They could just call it Bollocks 1, Bollocks 1.1,

Bollocks XP Home Edition...

Oh, look, there's a story about our Fatties campaign...

TV: Profits of up to 30%.

Business commentators say

the shift reflects recent bad publicity over obesity in Britain

and a government campaign on healthy eating.

With me is the Shadow Health Secretary John Kennedy.

Mr Kennedy, isn't this a triumph for the government?

Their healthy eating message getting through?

No, I don't accept that.

But the government has just run a huge advertising campaign

with the slogan...

Don't Be A Fat-Head, and fast-food chains can't give chips away.

You're saying it's coincidence?

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Can't they get beyond just disagreeing with the other side?

It's so unsophisticated.

Yes, I know. The trick is compliments with a sting.

This government's doing a great job,

if you like extremism, political correctness, cronyism...

Look, this hasn't happened

because the government's paid some smart PR firm

to convince people they want to be thin...

Oh, hasn't it?

I must say, I'm very glad to see

our healthy eating campaign for the government is getting through.

Though remind me not to use you as a spokesman.

PR, young Jamie is about theory not practice.

A philosopher may well be able to argue that a table doesn't exist, in principle.

But he can still have his dinner off one.

Why is the public junking junk-food?

Because this is about Iraq.

The public are voting with their mouths,

saying to this government and its bosses in Washington,

we're sick of your milk shakes.

And I'll go further.

In the past, we have boycotted South African wine and Zimbabwean...

whatever it is Zimbabwe produces... in order to send messages to regimes

despised around the world.

I am asking the British public for an economic boycott

of another hated administration.

Let's stop buying all American food and drink.

Say no to a Big Mac, say no to Iraq!

I love the smell of a career burning in the morning.

You think he's finished?

Rule number one of British politics, don't piss in the Atlantic.

The Leader of the Opposition

won't tolerate Kennedy inventing foreign policy on television.

He'll have to sack him for that.

It's a smashing place, full of really lovely folk and locations.

Namibia's main export is diamonds and, you know, that's right.

Because this country is a real gem.

Was that "Beautiful Botswana"?

"Nice Namibia". It's homework.

I always said I'd rather saw off my leg than watch a Peter Harrow programme.

Ah, the tone doesn't change much.

In his Zimbabwe programme, he said what a lovely smile Mugabe had.

Well, now he's invited Alison and me for lunch.

He's probably unsure about whether to take the knighthood from the Queen

or go straight for beatification from the Vatican.

Charles, there's a call from the American Embassy.

Send it through upstairs.

MAN: OK.

That's the iris scan done.

Do we conclude from all this that Britain has been added to the axis of evil?

Sir, I have to warn you that humour can become a security issue.

OK. Now just a few questions.

Is it now... Or has it ever been?

Is it now, or has it ever been,

your intention to overthrow by force

the government of the United States of America?

Good lord! Don't tell me that thing can read minds as well?

Meanwhile, there's been an escalation of support

for the Shadow Health Secretary's call for a boycott

of American food and drink.

Many restaurants have taken American dishes off their menus.

In London, people have been taking their protest

against American fast-food outlets to the streets.

Oh, the bonfire of the calories. How uplifting.

Gentlemen, the government of the United States of America

is grateful for your attendance today.

Well, it shows your country is more forward-Iooking than people think.

I assumed the US Ambassador would be some sort of lard-arsed red-neck.

Prejudice can be a terrible thing.

Mr Ambassador, Charles Prentiss and Martin McCabe.

Your Excellency.

J Thompson Lucas IV, Ambassador to the Court of St James.

My friends call me Tommy.

Gentlemen, I like to start these little meetings with a prayer.

O, Lord, may thy wisdom be as a light unto the nations of the world.

Amen. Amen!

Hear, hear. Absolutely.

I'm sorry, gentlemen. It may be a little stale in here.

We've had to switch the air-con off.

Students are holding a bagel-burning under the vent.

You've met Hazel...

under-secretary for public affairs?

May we offer you some fine iced tea?

You couldn't run to heated-up tea?

This is kinda the way we like it.

Gentlemen, we have brought you here to help us solve a mystery.

Why does everybody hate America?

I'll have the clam chowder, please.

And a Waldorf salad to start.

Easy on the walnuts, if that isn't too much trouble.

I'm afraid we don't have either of those dishes today.

Oh, Lord. Well, look, I'II, er...

You two...

I'll have the hamburger. Rare - in fact, tell the chef haemophiliac.

We've taken the American dishes off the menu. Most people have the special.

What's that?

Fish and chips. Right.

Christ. It might be cool to have ONE English retro dish on the menu

as an ironic option, but not as a theme.

Thank you for seeing me at such short notice.

If all our clients were as little trouble as you,

Prentiss McCabe would go out of business.

Ah.

I rather feared that's how you see me.

This problem you want us to deal with...

Yes. These are the latest press cuttings you sent me.

"Is Peter Harrow The Nicest Man In The World?"

"The Man I'd Love To Marry." "Britain's Most Shaggable Guy."

I don't see the problem.

You think these press cuttings are good?

But have you seen where they've come from?

These two come from Saga magazine.

The headline goes on, "The Man I'd Love To Marry When My Husband Dies."

This one, "Britain's Most Shaggable Guy."

That comes from Sex For The Over-Seventies magazine.

You see, I have a reputation for being nice and being old.

The last travel show the BBC bought was Chris Moyles Monsters Marbella.

The BBC have been sitting on Sublime Sudan for 18 months.

Absolutely. That's why I need you to help me.

I've had enough of being TV's Mr Nice.

I need to be hated!

It's unusual. Our job is normally, "She certainly didn't look 14."

"He downloaded the images for his new book."

That kind of thing. What you need is a reverse makeover.

A hate-over!

We've had some of the best minds in Washington working on this

for a month, and we just do not get it.

I mean, America - what's not to like?

Um, Korea, Vietnam, Libya, Grenada, Iraq.

The movies of Chevy Chase.

Malaya, Suez, the Falklands...

Iraq...

Benny Hill.

Gentlemen, the situation is, as I am being driven through the streets of London now,

I see Ronald McDonald burning on bonfires,

I see Budweiser being poured down storm-drains.

Peanut-butter sales in the UK are down 90% this fiscal.

Now, bad enough when the Brits all want to be skinny.

But this... this Kennedy guy is running the Boston tea party in reverse.

You have an expression, um, "what goes around, comes around."

Do you remember that time

when you were boycotting Burgundy wine and Evian water?

Chirac dissed us on Iraq.

Yes. Did it never occur to you

that while you were renaming French fries "freedom fries"

that someday someone might do the same to you?

This Administration accepts that the United States has made enemies.

This Administration wishes to make a fresh beginning.

We want you to create a campaign

that will convince the people of Britain

to LOVE America again.

I'll get that. I absolutely insist.

You're too kind. No, it's the least I can do.

I wasn't being English. I mean it.

You are too kind. This is what we have to stop.

Some other time, maybe.

If you'll excuse me, I've got to go.

I'm judging an art exhibition.

Great Ormond Street.

Terminal Ward. Poor kids. That's great.

No, it's better than that. It's perfect. Sit down, have a brandy.

Bunk off the sickie exhibition.

Pictures of weeping chemo-kids in tomorrow's papers.

We couldn't buy better publicity than that.

Look, Jamie, maybe this could be like the last bar of chocolate

before I go on the diet, eh?

Oh! I almost forgot the tip.

What a lovely man.

Alison, did you miss this meeting?

Religion. Little Jimmy Osmond.

Neo-Conservatism. Spelling.

J-Lo.

Excellent.

Now, GOOD points about America?

Ben & Jerry's.

Botox.

CHARLES: Come on, I know this is difficult.

No-one's ever spun a whole country before, but...

Well, there are historical examples,

but they all involve either changing the name of the country

or putting the black population in charge -

neither of which will go down tremendously well in Middle America.

CHARLES: Oh, come on!

Surely the world's only superpower has got more going for it than ice-cream

and cosmetic surgery.

Right turn on red light if road clear.

I'd bring that in here if I were transport minister.

It'd be LEFT turn.

Come on, Alison. You haven't said anything yet.

I'm not really the person for this.

Before John Kennedy was on to this, I was boycotting America.

I have nothing to do with the place at all if I can help it.

Oh, yes? What's your favourite film then?

The Piano.

Oh, Christ. Obviously. Well, apart from The Piano?

Um, When Harry Met Sally... um, Lost In Translation.

Um...

Annie Hall.

Hardly un-American activities, then.

And your favourite TV shows?

Um, Friends... Frasier...

Seinfeld, er, Will And Grace.

I think we may have discovered the truth of world politics.

The only people who can be convinced of the point of America are Americans.

I think the solution lies at the English end of things.

I'm going to ask John Kennedy to have lunch with me.

What's the point? You won't stop him spouting anti-American stuff.

I don't want to stop him.

I want to encourage him to carry on spouting.

The English cod and French fries, please.

Oh, tell me, any complaints about the new menu?

The occasional American tourist.

We send them round the corner to McDonalds. Sir?

The all-day full English breakfast for me.

And to drink? Oh, tea, tea.

And in a blue-and-white striped mug, if you've got one.

So, why did you want to see me?

Well, as an old college friend... Which you weren't...

I'm delighted to see you doing so well.

No, you're not.

The word at Westminster

is that you're working for the American Embassy against me.

No, I'm not.

Yes, I am. But in PR - we're not like politicians.

We don't have to believe everything we do.

I'm taking their money because they asked first.

But yours is the campaign that really fascinates me.

There's never been anything like it in British politics.

You've always said you wanted to be this nation's John Kennedy,

and now... in a sense... you are.

How prescient of your parents to name you after him.

I know.

When the Lib Dems got a Kennedy for a leader, I thought that had bollocksed it.

But people never thought of Jack when they looked at him.

No. More Teddy, really.

So you want me to believe that you've come here to give me some free advice?

Don't be silly, John!

No, in my business, we take a fee off a urinal after pissing in it.

Tell me, John, why don't you trust me?

Because you're a satanic, amoral double-dealer

who's employed by the other side.

Well, you're right.

I am a total bastard.

And I'm playing both sides. But I won't tell my colleagues, my client,

the Chancellor of the Exchequer about you,

if you think that my advice is worth paying for.

Well, I may,

when I've heard that advice.

Well, we both know, John,

that you've always wanted to be leader of the Tory party.

What I have in here will transform your career forever.

Read it.

People will call it the speech of your life.

Yes, hello, this is Alison at Prentiss McCabe, leaving a message for Lulu.

Um, Lulu, I got your message

about whether we can get you on to Celebrity Enema.

Um, I've spoken with Channel 4,

and it seems that it was just an April Fools spoof in Broadcast magazine.

Yep, there's actually no such series. Sorry about that.

Cat, could you call Michael Winner and Jeremy Clarkson

and tell them the same, please? Thanks.

There's a huge picket line of liberals outside,

shouting, "America, wake up and smell the coffee!"

Right, let's love-bomb the Peter Harrow problem. Cat?

Just nudge me a bit. Client or colleague?

TV's "Mr Travel".

How do we turn Mr Nice into Mr Vice?

He could always sleep with your sister at your cousin's wedding.

Seems to be an effective method.

I'm just using that as a generic example of bad male behaviour.

Although you're famous for never coming up with an idea without researching it.

So, what we need is for Peter Harrow to be accused of sexual deviance

and falling professional standards.

Does he have a mistress who could blab?

No. He fell in love with a 14-year old...

That's good - the Bill Wyman of TV travel.

...when he was ALSO 14. They've been together 50 years now.

Bastard. OK...

Incest? No. Only child.

JAMIE: It's actually quite hard to come up with anything shocking.

40 years ago, BBC presenters were sacked for getting divorced.

Now, if they hump a donkey, they're on the next series of I'm A Celeb.

Cat, have you got a copy of Harrow's Super Switzerland episode?

Haven't you seen his back catalogue? It's for the American campaign.

VOICEOVER: Britain, 2010.

A fast-food giant has driven out English restaurants from the high street.

If you buy the super-size fondue, you get a free William Tell doll.

VOICEOVER: At the local cinema, the latest blockbuster is playing.

And home-grown bands don't have a chance of topping the charts.

(YODELLING)

If there HAS to be a world superpower, aren't you glad it isn't Switzerland?

Not bad, Jamie. Not bad at all.

Which is why, Ozzy, I think you're made for the part of Shane in Emmerdale.

He is a tramp, yes.

Monosyllabic, but it's a great little cameo.

He does indeed die in the first episode,

but who wants to hang around Emmerdale,

watching their career give up the ghost?

And you'll be up for Best Guest Artist In A Role

of Under Eight Words at the British Soap Awards.

You might think you recognised the angry customer screaming at staff

in that CCTV footage filmed at a London hotel this week.

But then you'll have thought, "It can't be, because Peter Harrow - TV's Mr Nice -

"would never do that." Right?

Well, wrong, according to the tabloid newspaper which obtained that footage.

The Daily News alleges that television's veteran traveller insisted three times

on a change of room and responded with four-letter words

when staff refused him a fourth move.

We're joined by Mr Harrow's PR representative, Jamie Front.

I suppose you're going to give us

the usual flimflam about this being taken out of context?

No. In fact, for those of your viewers who lack lip-reading skills,

what Mr Harrow is saying on the footage is...

"I realise that, in the pathetic little country you come from,

"beds are not a high priority

"because the women sleep on brothel cots and the men on mortuary slabs.

"But I have walked on marble floors in Spanish cathedrals

"which were more comfortable than what you laughingly call a mattress.

"If you and the other Colombian drug mules

"behind the reception desk weren't so busy

"dashing to the lavatory to retrieve the condoms full of cocaine

"floating around your bellies,

"then maybe you'd have some time for your customers."

Then he goes on to compare the bar staff with the Nazi party...

but you get the general idea.

I do. Impressively honest as well.

But who do you think leaked this video to the press?

It was clearly somebody determined to destroy Peter Harrow's reputation.

Well, that person may have failed because we're just hearing, Jamie,

that Peter Harrow has issued a full apology to the hotel staff involved...

and he has agreed to give a charity lecture there.

Jamie, that's got to be good news for you as his PR, hasn't it?

Yes. That is entirely typical of Peter Harrow.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Force of habit, I suppose.

The Times Diary rang me to ask how I felt about the hotel reception thing.

I just wasn't thinking, and said, "I'm so terribly sorry."

I'm so terribly sorry.

I don't think I can forgive John Kennedy

for tapioca being the dessert of the day at the Ivy.

But I'm going to give you a second chance.

I want you to go to Heathrow Airport...

The American President last night authorised emergency aid

to the US beef and corn industries

which have been hit by John Kennedy's campaign against junk food.

And there's more bad news for the White House.

Mr Kennedy, encouraged by the success of his campaign,

has now announced plans to stand against the leader of the opposition.

Sources close to the Shadow Health Minister have suggested

he'll use his first public appearance

since challenging for the leadership

to set out the key strategy of his manifesto.

Aren't you going to stay and find out who the leader of the opposition is?

Very useful for pub quizzes.

I thought you said you were going to fix Kennedy.

I did, didn't I?

Gentlemen, this is a precaution.

The FBI has put out an alert about anthrax aftershave.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Tara, it was an April Fools joke...

Hello.

What?

Oh, no.

Jamie, Peter Harrow's been arrested.

If there has to be a world superpower, aren't you glad it isn't Switzerland?

Why everybody loves America.

That had a slickness that was almost... American.

The rest of it is just variations on the same theme, really.

Belgium fills the high street with waffle bars.

Canada replaces the Grand National with moose racing - that sort of thing.

Excuse me, Mr Ambassador,

we're hearing that John Kennedy's going nuclear.

Think not about what that country has done to you,

but rather what you can still do to that country.

(APPLAUSE)

This campaign has already had an effect upon our menus.

But, my fellow Britons, protest can not be a la carte.

What is the point of refusing to eat cheeseburgers,

when every Friday night we're helping Julia Roberts

or Tom Cruise to buy another yacht?

(APPLAUSE)

So, tonight,

I am calling for a total boycott of all American products.

Let our multiplexes say no to Spiderman 3,

and run seasons of Peter Greenaway films instead.

Let us wear plimsolls

instead of Nikes

and British Home Stores slacks instead of Levi's...

Well, I don't think that frightening English folks

with the idea of fondue and Heidi at the movies is gonna be enough, do you?

Ma'am, the FBI FedExed this.

Ah, the Kennedy dossier.

Surveillance confirms that Charles Seymour Prentiss

has been secretly advising the Kennedy campaign.

Where exactly IS Guantanamo Bay?

Oh, come on, haven't you learnt your lesson yet

about not trusting what you read in dossiers?

This was all part of the same campaign.

Like Kennedy calling for the total economic isolation of the USA

was gonna help us?

It's a point.

Look, British politics has always been Diet Coke.

I spun Kennedy into giving them "the real thing".

Kennedy's speech showed people what it would be like to be English,

to be REALLY English -

the films, the clothes, the food.

Now, to use a quaint American expression of yours,

that is so NOT what the British people want.

I guarantee you, there'll be a run on Egg McMuffins by lunchtime.

I can't believe we're celebrating a client's arrest.

Is it true that you hit a Virgin check-in girl?

It was pure luck. I booked myself into economy, like Jamie said.

All ready to get drunk and be rude to the working classes.

But the check-in girl said

that my programmes were her parents' only comfort

during their terminal illnesses.

I said I didn't want an upgrade, she said I had to. So... BOOM!

Good man.

Absolutely. I start filming in Beirut on Tuesday.

I thought you'd covered Beirut already. That was Beautiful Beirut.

This is different - grittier. I'm A Celebrity Hostage.

(MOBILE BLEEPS)

God.

What?

"Tory leadership contender, John Kennedy, shot."

Well, he always said he wanted to be Britain's JFK, didn't he?

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