Original subtitles

Não pergunte o que seu país pode fazer por você.

Pergunte o que você pode fazer para seu país.

Mr. Gorbachev,

Derrube essa parede!

A única coisa que temos a temer

é o próprio medo!

"Uhh, eu não sei o que eu disse. Uhh!"

tov Erev. Meu nome, capitão Erran Morad.

Hoje, aprendemos defesa do radical terror Islam.

Imagine a cena.

Você está acorrentado a um radiador, nu com um saco sobre sua cabeça.

De repente, os terroristas arrombam e sequestrar você,

arruinar completamente sua festa de aniversário.

Yalla. O que estamos esperando?

Vamos.

Meu nome Morad disse.

Eu estava no Mossad para ...

Quer dizer, eu não estava no Mossad por 13 anos.

I aqui para te ensinar Krav Maga. Quem é Você?

Meu nome é Jason Spencer.

Eu sou um representante do Estado na Assembleia Geral da Geórgia.

Essa é a Câmara dos Deputados.

Jason Spencer, um republicano,

ameaçado seu ex-colega Democrática

depois ela criticou seu apoio

de monumentos confederados no Facebook.

Representante Jason Spencer diz que seu projeto de lei

é definitivamente em resposta aos terroristas em massa.

House Bill 3 tornaria ilegal

para que as pessoas escondem seus rostos em público.

Eu não chamá-lo de uma proibição burka.

Eu chamo-lhe um estatuto de anti-mascaramento.

-OK. Ok, porque ...

-Politicamente correto. -Porque nos Estados ...

Bem, para ganhar no sistema legal,

Você não pode... você não pode ser contra a primeira emenda.

Veja, isto é como os muçulmanos do país

estão usando nossa primeira emenda contra eles.

Você tem que combater fogo com fogo.

Sim, então você sabe como detectar a diferença

entre alguém que é um terrorista em uma burca

e a mulher normal em uma burca?

Não posso dizer.

-Desenvolvemos uma técnica. -Hum-hum.

Você quer saber como fazer isso?

Certeza. Absolutamente.

Tomamos um pau de selfie,

e tiramos uma foto por baixo.

É o mesmo que você faz com o carro.

Mm-hmm.

Estas são fotos que eu tirei.

Mm-hmm.

Olhe para estas. Este era um homem.

-Sim. -O que é isso?

Parece que uma Glock,45. Sim.

Você reconhece esse cara?

Eu reconheço a arma.

Não sei se se trata de uma mulher

ou um homem com um explosivo.

Fingimos ser

um turista chinês...

Porque os chineses estão sempre tomando selfie.

Ok.

Convence a ele ou ela que você é chinês. Ir.

Konnichi wa.

Dragão vermelho.

Beijing. Hong Kong.

Kong hong. Sushi.

Ah, eu vejo lá. Este é um dragão vermelho?

Você fala chinês?

Cidade de Ho Chi Minh.

Obrigado. Obrigado.

Dragão vermelho, pauzinho.

Sushi, sushi.

Bom... Vamos olhar para a foto.

Não é um terrorista.

Por causa de quem você é,

Você pode ser vítima de sequestro por ISIS.

Você tem dois segundos para atrair a atenção.

Como você atrai atenção?

Você começar a gritar.

Tira a roupa.

Na América, há uma palavra proibida.

É o N-palavra.

Agora, eu vou ser o terrorista.

Você tem três segundos para atrair a atenção.

Ir!

Negro! Negro! Negro! Negro!

Esperar! És maluco?

O N-palavra é nooni, não esta palavra.

Esta palavra é nojento.

Consegui.

ISIS estão com medo de ser visto como homo.

-Você sabe o que isso significa, homo? -Sim Sim.

Se sua nádega tocá-los,

isso significa que eles tornaram-se um ...

Homossexual.

Agora eu vou te ensinar

como usar suas nádegas para intimidar ISIS.

Hmm.

Mostre-me a nádega. Não, calças para baixo.

OK. Ir.

América!

Boa.

Mais uma vez, mas mais alto com "América".

América!

Boa.

Dizemos no Mossad ... Quer dizer, não no Mossad ...

"Se você quer ganhar, você mostrar um pouco de pele."

OK.

OK. Mostre-me.

Agora tente me tocar.

Eu vou tocar em você.

Eu vou tocar em você com minhas nádegas!

Eu vou tocar em você!

É melhor largar a arma, ou eu vou tocar em você!

USA!

OK. Pare. Você tem que me lembrar,

"Se eu te tocar, você vai se tornar um homossexual."

OK.

OK? Agora tente me tocar. Ir!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Vai, vai, vai, vai, vai!

Ah!

Ir! Vai, vai!

Ah! Ah!

USA!

EUA, filho da puta.

Ok, Jason, você me mostrar a sua arma.

Ir.

Eu vou tocar em você! Eu vou fazer você um homossexual!

Você deixa cair essa arma agora mesmo! EUA!

-OK. -EUA!

Olhe para mim. OK.

Adorável.

Ah, bonito.

Bem-vindo de volta ao "The Bachelor:

As mulheres dizem tudo ".

juntar-me na berlinda, Corinne,

facilmente uma das figuras mais polarizadoras

que já tivemos no show.

Por que nós temos que se preocupar com ela?

É sempre assim, "Corinne, Corinne, Corinne."

Estou farto de falar de Corinne.

Desejo que todo o Corinne feito e com mais.

A caridade é muito importante para você.

Hum, então, em apenas um pouco, vamos fazer ...

Queremos mostrar que você está envolvido em uma instituição de caridade,

por isso queremos fazer uma pequena coisa a dizer

que você está ajudando a Serra Leoa com Ebola.

-Está bem. -fantástico.

Sim.

Nós colocá-lo aqui, ninguém vai saber

-não era você. -Oh.

E então nós tela verde, e ele está lindo.

E é ótimo para a caridade.

Ok, C, olhar um pouco mais para mim agora. OK.

Olhando um pouco feliz. OK.

Sim, eu acho porque é flopping para baixo,

este bit tem de ir para cima,

por isso, colocar alguém em, tela verde verde,

e então nós colocá-los de volta.

OK. Oh, oh, ótimo.

Coloque mais, mais desejo, vulnerável, vulnerável.

OK. Eu amo isso.

Olhe para mim agora. Tudo bem.

Rir. Ok bonito.

Por isso, esperamos que temos o patrocínio da Miu Miu,

por isso é bom que você ...

Então, segure aqui.

Bonita. Com os óculos Fendi, ok.

Tão linda, linda, linda.

É isso aí.

Assim, a caridade é tão importante para você.

Hum, eu ouvi que você ajudou algumas das crianças com Ebola

em Serra Leoa, certo?

Sim. Sim, claro.

Ajudar é realmente importante para mim, então ...

Sabe, algumas celebridades fui lá

e não fez nada.

Você foi lá, e você realmente ajudou

realizar alguns dos sofredores redor.

Como você entrar nessa?

Você sabe, foi uma dessas coisas

onde eu meio que ...

fez isso.

Quanto tempo você ficou em Serra Leoa

combate a esta crise Ebola?

Hum, eu estava lá para cerca de uma semana.

-Oh, incrível. -Sim.

É ótimo.

Uh, é possível que você dizer que você estava lá por um mês?

Porque a coisa era de cerca de três meses, então ...

OK. Sim, mas eles vão saber que eu não estava lá.

Não não não. Nós estamos...

Eu corro a caridade, então não se preocupe.

OK.

Quanto tempo você ficou lá na Serra Leoa

ajudando com o Ebola?

Eu estava lá para cerca de um mês.

Oh, isso é incrível.

Isso é lindo porque eu ouvi

havia um muito corajoso coisa que você fez.

Havia um senhor da guerra em Serra Leoa,

e ele queria fazer um massacre.

E, aparentemente, ele reconheceu você,

e, uh, você pode nos contar a história.

Ele ia fazer um massacre desta vila,

e o que aconteceu?

-Um, so, he recognized me. -Wow.

E ele era um grande fã, então ...

Oh, incrível.

Eu sei.

Hum, ele era apenas, você sabe, muito bom, na verdade,

e ele estava realmente surpreso ao me ver.

Fiquei surpreso que ele sabia quem eu era, e ...

Sim, foi realmente muito humilhante.

O que ele disse? Ele disse, "Oh, oh!"

-Ele pirar? -Sim.

Ele era, tipo, muito animado e pirando,

so, I mean, it was good

because, um, I saved 6,000 people.

It's beautiful because I hate it

when these people is just about their Instagram.

It's just about themself.

-Yeah. -Tell me more.

What did you say when he recognized you?

What did you say to him?

I said, "Yes, it's me,"

and, um, I was like, "It's so nice to meet you,"

and, you know, I feel like because I was so kind back

and I was so positive back, you know, it really helped

with the whole massacre situation, so...

We are going to drain the swamp

in Washington, D.C.

He is the least-vain person in the world.

I mean, ask anybody at Trump Tower, Trump Casino,

any of the Trump resorts, Trump University,

Trump steak houses or Trump Air.

It's never about him.

I'm sitting with Ted Koppel,

and I'm here in Washington.

What do you think about all the fake news

that's around at the moment?

Uh, I think it's one of the great threats to democracy.

Well, I agree with you.

What we're witnessing is liberal elites

who are trying to bring down

the most popular president we've had in recent times.

When you say the most popular,

he lost the popular vote by 3 million votes.

-You know that? -That is fake news.

The liberal media,

which I believe you are a part of,

spread the lie that there were less people

at Donald Trump's inauguration than there were at Obama's,

and that is a plain lie.

You happen to be wrong, but that's okay.

Well, let's look at the evidence.

Let's look at real evidence.

Okay.

That is a photo.

Excuse me.

May I see that?

Yeah, that's a photo.

That is a photo of Donald J. Trump's inauguration.

It appears to be that, yes.

Well, look at the time, sir, 11:56 p.m.

11 hours and 56 minutes after the inauguration started,

there were still...

His supporters were packed in there.

It's a daytime picture.

What is 11:56 p.m.?

Would you concede

that 4 minutes before midnight is nighttime?

It was an eclipse.

Well, an eclipse would mean it was dark, not light.

-Not if it was a solar eclipse. -Of course if it was...

No, if it was a solar eclipse, it means it would be light.

No, it means it would be dark.

A solar eclipse is when the moon covers the sun.

-No, a solar eclipse is when... -Solar...

...the sun covers the moon.

That is a lunar eclipse.

How... Excuse me.

-That's not an... -Fake news.

That's not an issue of opinion.

-You were... -In your opinion.

Not in my opinion.

There are certain things that actually are factual.

Yes, and th-th-those things

that I'm trying to show you, Mr. Koppel.

What are you trying to show me?

You're showing me a picture

of inauguration day at daylight

with someone holding up a sign that says 11:56 p.m.

That is a White House official clock.

What do you mean a White House official clock?

I've never heard of such a thing.

What is a White House official clock?

Well, let me say Obama's inauguration.

You think there were more people there, do you?

I do think there were more people there, yes.

Well, I have evidence to the contrary.

Do you agree that that is the Obama inauguration?

I'm inclined to believe that it was.

I have no reason to disbelieve you.

-Go ahead. -Thank you.

If we zoom in

with 35 magnification,

then we see

that these are dummies.

Somewhere between 68% and 69%...

-I mean... -Don't shut it down, sir.

I mean no disrespect to you, but this is a waste of time.

Shalom. Colonel Erran Morad here.

Today, I took a 40-minute break from fighting terror

to meet one of the world's greatest humanitarians.

It is a great honor to be next to a real mensch,

Dick Cheney. Shalom.

Well, thank you.

It's good to be with you today. I look forward to the program.

You started so many wars...

Afghanistan, Iraq one and Iraq two.

Which was your favorite war and why?

Oh, I think it was what we did in Desert Storm.

I really do.

I never thought of it as having a favorite war. The...

Of course, but you got to enjoy it, too.

Yeah, sure. I-I loved being Secretary of Defense,

um, especially in wartime,

especially during Desert Storm...

It's fun.

...when we had the capacity, you know, to...

I deployed half a million men and women to the Gulf.

Fantastic.

-And... -Fantastic.

...we had stealth technology.

We had the precision-guided munitions.

Of course.

We had all of this capability that we developed,

and, uh, some of it was used for the first time.

What do you think Iraq would have been like

if you didn't liberate it?

Would it have been a breeding ground

for terrorists and unstable?

Mm, I think it would have been.

Yes. Um...

I... We felt that it was, um,

an important strategic interest.

I have killed some terrorists.

How does it feel being the king of terrorist killers?

I mean, you killed 100,000 actual terrorists

and about 700,000 potential terrorists.

Well, I... it was never personal.

-I mean, I wasn't... -Of course!

...in the same position you are,

where, um, it was "kill or be killed."

We wanted to see more of you.

We wanted to get rid of Bush and see more Dick.

Was that ever your aim?

No, never was.

And what about your family, your wife?

Did your wife want to see more Dick?

Well, she wasn't eager for me to go back into politics.

We'd had a great run,

and it was never an objective of hers.

Why is it that people don't give you enough credit

for the many ways that you improved

interrogation and humane torture?

Well, you'd have to ask them.

I...

We had a lot of very good people working for us.

Torturers, or...?

-Uh, interrogators. -Sure, sure.

Yeah. We don't call it torture.

What do you call it?

Enhanced interrogation is what we call it.

My neighbor in Tel Aviv is in jail for murder,

or as we call it,

-enhanced tickling. -Mm-hmm.

You know, whether you call it enhanced tickling or murder,

it still the same thing.

Yeah.

To prepare for the interview,

I Googled "Dick and torture,"

and a whole lot of strange contraptions came up.

But these are nothing to do with you.

No. I haven't seen that. I'll have to do that.

I'd like to see that, how they treated it.

Yeah, there were... I Googled it,

and there were contraptions with spikes and constraints.

One was a kind of rod that goes deep inside the pubic...

No.

Were these anything to do with you?

No, we didn't do anything like that.

Waterboarding was the most physical we got.

Waterboarding is not torture.

I once waterboarded my wife.

Mm-hmm.

She was cheating on me and I needed to find out with who,

- so I waterboarded her. - Uh-huh.

It turned out she was not cheating, but now I know

-to trust her words. -Mm-hmm.

And actually, she is a lot more compliant ever since.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I didn't have that problem.

I heard one time while hunting,

there was a man who tried to attack you,

and you had to shoot him in the face?

No.

Well, that's a bit of a, uh, distortion.

We were hunting, um, quail with shotguns.

You were hunting the Vice President Quayle?

Well, it wasn't vice-presidential quail.

It was... There's Vice President Quayle,

whose name is Q-U-A-L-E,

and then there's quail,

and it is the birds that we hunt.

And which one were you trying to kill?

-Birds. -Okay.

He came up on my right, and a bird flushed.

And I turned on the bird and fired,

and... but it did hit him with bird shot,

dusted him basically with bird shot.

-You did it by mistake? -It was a mistake.

It was an accident.

Yeah. Come on. You are not some schmuck

who is going to shoot a friend in the face.

What did he do? Did he try to shtup your wife?

No, no, no.

You don't shoot somebody accidentally.

Come on. I know you.

I did. In this case, I did.

Oh, okay.

It's okay if I just get a quick Dick pic?

Do you want me to send you the Dick pic?

-Sure. -Okay, great.

-Yeah. -Thank you.

Is it possible to sign my waterboard kit?

-Sure. -Thank you.

Find a space that...

-Well, right here... -Yeah.

"To Erran"...

I don't know, something funny like,

"Good watering," or...

Fantastic.

-There you go. -Fantastic.

Thank you so much.

I got Netanyahu, Ariel Sharon.

I got Demi Lovato.

-She's a brilliant singer. -Uh-huh.

I just find her voice fantastic.

Well, that's a first.

That's the first time I've ever signed a water bottle

used for waterboarding, very valuable.

Everybody knows about the tragedy

of a child soldier in Africa,

but what we don't know is that the real tragedy

is how underfunded and undertrained they are.

Many are not very effective killers at all

and are, in fact, more child than soldier.

We want to change this

so that they can be fighting well into puberty.

That's why we want you to join our program

and adopt a child soldier.

You will have a chance to support them

through their childhood

and pay for their training, equipment, and even ammunition.

Have a look at the great work we do.

This is T'Kembe.

Look at him two months ago... tragic...

but take a look at him now.

Since he was adopted by Jessica Simpson,

his life is much better.

How can you help? It's simple.

For just $18 a month,

you will get a message from your child soldier

telling you about their progress.

For example, "Today, we burned down a village

and launched a grenade at a hospital."

For just $21 a month, you can get them a bayonet attachment

and a grenade launcher.

Without the grenade launcher,

they have to get very close to refugee camps to throw it.

Remember, when you launch a grenade, you launch a dream.

One look into the eyes of a child soldier

when he gets a new launcher,

and you instantly know it's all worthwhile.

Act now, and you'll receive the handmade drawing

of how that child used your gift.

Tomorrow's veterans helping today's child soldiers

for a better tomorrow today.

Namaste.

I'm a self-hating white male,

and my name is Nira Cain-N'Degeocello.

Two weeks after the election was stolen

from President Hillary Clinton, I managed to get out of bed.

I've been cycling through our fractured nation

to try and heal the divide.

Kingman, Arizona... once a bustling mining town

and home of civil rights activist Timothy McVeigh,

now a depressed habitat for voters

clearly still mourning the tragedy

of Hillary's election loss.

What could be better to lift their spirits

than news of an exciting new urban development

that I decided to tell them about

at a town-hall meeting I called?

Who wants to see

huge economic growth here?

-Everybody. -Right.

Who wants to see an investment

of $385 million?

Guess what? You guys are going to get it.

I'm here to tell you that Kingman has been chosen

as the location of a brand-new,

state-of-the-art mosque.

-Mm. -What?

A state-of-the-art what?

I know some of you are thinking,

"Okay, this is just another typical mosque."

This, guys, is going to be

the world's largest mosque

outside of the Middle East.

Just the word alone scares you.

To me, when I hear the word "mosque," I think of terrorism.

Is... Is there a need for this in Kingman?

Yes, there is.

-How? Why? -How? What?

Your town will become a hub for tourism from...

for Muslims around the world.

Can I get a, "Whoop, whoop"?

No.

We don't want that shit here.

If you bring in Muslims, we might have a problem.

We probably will have a problem.

We'll all be moving out of this state.

Okay. Let's...

Before we make up our minds,

let's take a closer look... We've made up our minds.

-...at this wonderful mosque. -We've made up our minds.

The Imam Zayed Wahabi Mosque of Kingman.

Oh, my God.

You guys will have the choice between two different designs.

This is the first design. This is design one.

And this is design two.

What the hell are you asking?

So who here supports design one?

Nobody!

Okay, so you're all for design two?

-Neither! -We said no!

We don't want either one!

Okay, so let me ask you, sir.

You don't like this construction.

Tell me about your dream mosque.

There is no dream mosque!

-We don't want a mosque! -We don't want a mosque!

A mosque is for Muslims.

Mosque... As soon as you said "mosque," you ruined it.

Where is the money coming from?

It's not going to be paid for by you.

It's primarily going to be paid for by the Saudi government...

Of course.

...the Clinton Foundation...

That's a big fucking mistake right there.

You should have never brought that up.

She's a piece of work.

Around here, that's even worse than the mosque.

Okay, listen. Can everybody be calm?

Can everybody be calm? This is not a big deal.

-This is just a building. -It's a huge deal!

-It's a building. -It's not a building.

It's a fucking terrorist mosque!

What? Okay. Let me a-address terrorism.

Rest assured, I share your concerns,

and we will do everything we can

to protect these Muslims from it.

The mosque will have fortified walls,

and there will be barricades to keep the...

Yeah, yeah, to keep the Muslims safe inside.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Why would we want them safe inside

when we don't even want them in our town, period?

Well, i-it would be to protect the worshippers

from any, uh, violent racists.

It's... It's not us that's causing the violence.

It's them.

Oh, no, no, no. Did you...

I... I didn't imply anybody here is racist.

-Of course not. -I am.

I'm racist toward Muslims.

Let me continue, and then I...

That would probably look good in a fire.

Well, it would be made out of stone,

so it won't be able to burn.

So that's one of the anti-terrorist measures.

I really believe by the end of this presentation,

you guys are going to be completely convinced.

-You're wrong. -I doubt it.

Let me show you how your town would change.

-Unh-uh. -Oh, hell no.

You're fucking kidding me, right?

You change the name on that,

and I guarantee you're gonna have a fight on your hands.

There ain't a goddamn thing about that we like.

Can we hear from some of the Muslims in this room?

How do you feel about it, sir?

-Are you a Muslim? -No.

-There's no Muslims here. -There is no Muslims here.

Oh, there are no Muslims here at all?

This town is lucky to have black people in it.

Yeah, of course you're lucky to have black people.

They add a lot to the society.

Thank you, sir.

Finally, somebody who appreciates...

-No, no, no. -...multiculturalism.

You're totally missing... You totally missed...

-Sir, you are completely right. -No, no.

The benefit of having African-Americans...

No. You're not hearing me out.

...means a more diverse... -You're not hearing him.

Thank you, sir. Don't be ashamed.

He's saying there's black people in Kingman

that aren't welcome there either,

but we tolerate them.

Okay.

One thing I do in Bend, Oregon, is, sometimes,

when there there is an atmosphere of tension,

which there is here, I use music to alleviate the tension.

There is a wonderful song that I use that relaxes people,

and it's from the Xhosa Tribe in South Africa.

It goes like this.

I'm not into that. I gotta go.

There ain't nothing calming about that at all.

I listened enough to that

when I worked at Texaco with... and I don't...

Pardon me, where... where are you going?

You are triggered, and you are feeling some anger.

You're pulling the trigger harder now.

We don't want to hear that shit.

You really think this is calming us?

This will calm if you close your eyes.

It's not calming us! It's pissing us off!

Close your eyes.

I understand exactly why there was told no weapons here.

- Yes! - Why is that, sir?

Because you come down here and open your mouth

and say this kind of shit in front of us, Arizonites,

somebody is going to get hurt.

Well, I'm going to write that down.

All you damn sand niggers over in the Middle East,

we are tired of you coming to America,

and we are tired of you trying to threaten us.

We will cut off your dick.

You understand?

We will take your dick, and we will shove it in your mouth,

pull it off, and put it in your mouth.

How are you going to rape children and women

without a dick?

I'm Jason Spencer.

Eu sou um funcionário eleito no estado da Geórgia.

Eu sou um representante e membro do Estado

da Assembléia Geral da Geórgia.