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1
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Coolidge College
was established in 18--
2
00:00:47,779 --> 00:00:50,270
Who knows this?
It was in your freshman facts.
3
00:00:50,382 --> 00:00:53,840
The first day of spring semester.
4
00:00:53,952 --> 00:00:56,011
A time to say good-bye
to the parents once again...
5
00:00:56,121 --> 00:00:59,113
and say hello
to a few new student bodies.
6
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,520
As for me, well...
7
00:01:04,629 --> 00:01:08,861
I like to start off each semester
with a certain time-honored tradition.
8
00:01:08,967 --> 00:01:11,333
A ritual, if you will,
that allows me...
9
00:01:11,436 --> 00:01:13,700
to get my head in the right place.
10
00:01:19,277 --> 00:01:22,769
Okay, so Suk Mee's a little old...
11
00:01:24,015 --> 00:01:26,609
but she is just so damn good.
12
00:01:28,820 --> 00:01:31,152
She's great with these quick jobs...
13
00:01:31,256 --> 00:01:34,384
plus there is no substitute
for decades of experience.
14
00:01:34,492 --> 00:01:37,222
That looks amazing.
15
00:01:38,997 --> 00:01:40,555
That is perfect. You're a pro.
16
00:01:40,665 --> 00:01:42,064
A pro.
17
00:01:43,435 --> 00:01:44,732
Look at me.
18
00:01:44,836 --> 00:01:46,133
Pro.
19
00:01:48,006 --> 00:01:51,271
Well, gosh, that was great.
Thanks for the quick job there.
20
00:01:54,479 --> 00:01:55,844
I need these in 20 minutes.
21
00:01:57,382 --> 00:01:58,679
Super.
22
00:02:16,034 --> 00:02:18,867
We've got a jumper!
23
00:02:33,051 --> 00:02:35,884
Hold on, son.
You don't want to do this.
24
00:02:35,987 --> 00:02:39,514
I didn't want to come here either.
They made me come!
25
00:02:39,624 --> 00:02:41,148
They made me!
26
00:02:43,294 --> 00:02:46,127
First year can be kind of scary,
can't it, Timmy?
27
00:02:46,231 --> 00:02:48,756
My name's not--
28
00:02:48,867 --> 00:02:52,132
But you know what I've learned
in my 7 years here at Coolidge...
29
00:02:52,237 --> 00:02:53,795
Timmy?
30
00:02:53,905 --> 00:02:56,999
I've learned that you can't treat every
situation as a life-and-death matter...
31
00:02:57,108 --> 00:02:58,973
because you'll die
a lot of times.
32
00:02:59,844 --> 00:03:02,074
Write that down.
33
00:03:02,180 --> 00:03:05,741
- I don't have a pen.
- Well, remember that then.
34
00:03:05,850 --> 00:03:08,250
And you know something, Timmy?
35
00:03:10,088 --> 00:03:12,750
I think you've got the balls
to make it here.
36
00:03:12,857 --> 00:03:14,757
Call me nuts...
37
00:03:16,027 --> 00:03:17,927
but I believe in you.
38
00:03:20,432 --> 00:03:23,492
You see, Timmy, you can't let this
lead you all the time.
39
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:26,661
Sometimes you've gotta heed this.
40
00:03:26,771 --> 00:03:30,263
I think you've got a lot of heart
in there, mister, don't you?
41
00:03:31,443 --> 00:03:33,911
Don't you?
I mean, look around you.
42
00:03:38,616 --> 00:03:39,708
Timmy?
43
00:03:43,521 --> 00:03:45,489
Great work, Van. Thanks!
44
00:03:45,590 --> 00:03:47,524
Remember my credo, Timmy.
45
00:03:47,625 --> 00:03:50,492
Don't be a fool.
Stay in school.
46
00:03:54,032 --> 00:03:56,091
God, I love this place.
47
00:03:58,236 --> 00:04:00,136
Hey, Van. Hey, Van the man.
48
00:04:00,238 --> 00:04:02,263
I called you last night, Van.
49
00:04:06,311 --> 00:04:09,542
My name is Van Wilder,
and this is my home...
50
00:04:09,647 --> 00:04:11,012
Coolidge College.
51
00:04:20,992 --> 00:04:24,291
The last, well, 7 years
have gone by way too fast.
52
00:04:24,395 --> 00:04:28,798
This school's given me so much.
I just can't seem to give enough back.
53
00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:31,801
- That's Van.
- That's him!
54
00:04:32,570 --> 00:04:33,969
Oh, my God!
55
00:04:35,073 --> 00:04:37,473
- Wow.
- Yeah. Wow.
56
00:04:45,183 --> 00:04:47,743
I was the first-ever male cheerleader
at Huntington High!
57
00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:49,911
The first ever!
58
00:04:50,855 --> 00:04:53,483
Give me a V! Give me an A!
59
00:04:53,591 --> 00:04:56,185
Give me an N!
What does it spell?
60
00:04:56,294 --> 00:05:00,025
I see a rabbi, and he's
performing a circumcision...
61
00:05:00,131 --> 00:05:01,621
on himself though.
62
00:05:03,535 --> 00:05:05,093
You'll become disciplined.
63
00:05:05,203 --> 00:05:07,034
Your mind will become a weapon.
64
00:05:19,384 --> 00:05:21,978
I'm sorry. You really
just don't fit the profile.
65
00:05:25,023 --> 00:05:27,218
We're just gonna do
a little bit of word association.
66
00:05:27,325 --> 00:05:28,792
Cookies!
67
00:05:32,397 --> 00:05:34,592
- My name is Van.
- Hi, my name is Terry.
68
00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:41,337
Let's get it started then,
shall we?
69
00:05:55,653 --> 00:05:57,052
Big finish.
70
00:06:00,391 --> 00:06:01,585
Medic.
71
00:06:01,693 --> 00:06:04,856
- Having us both at the same time...
- Will definitely lighten your load.
72
00:06:04,963 --> 00:06:07,955
- We will bend over backwards for you.
- There's nothing too big...
73
00:06:08,066 --> 00:06:10,261
- we can't handle.
- And we mean nothing.
74
00:06:10,368 --> 00:06:13,633
- We'll stay on top of you...
- And ride you all semester.
75
00:06:13,738 --> 00:06:15,399
Basically, we're saying we won't
blow the job, Van.
76
00:06:20,511 --> 00:06:23,878
By the way, can you tell me if
there'll be any international travel?
77
00:06:25,984 --> 00:06:28,919
Seriously, I swear to God,
I'm really uncomfortable now.
78
00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:30,078
It's time you should go.
79
00:06:37,128 --> 00:06:39,653
Not one acceptable candidate.
80
00:06:39,764 --> 00:06:41,891
What is wrong
with the youth of today?
81
00:06:44,035 --> 00:06:45,696
The Internet, dude.
82
00:06:45,803 --> 00:06:48,397
Fries their brain cells, man.
83
00:06:49,507 --> 00:06:51,737
It's cool, Colossus.
We'll find somebody.
84
00:06:51,843 --> 00:06:53,743
C-los, get your ass off my shirt.
85
00:07:00,051 --> 00:07:01,985
You really should
have him neutered, man.
86
00:07:02,086 --> 00:07:03,519
That's up to him.
87
00:07:03,621 --> 00:07:06,181
They are getting bigger,
aren't they?
88
00:07:08,359 --> 00:07:10,088
I'll get that.
89
00:07:14,032 --> 00:07:15,693
Looks like we got one more.
90
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,331
What's your name?
91
00:07:25,443 --> 00:07:29,038
I'm Taj Mahal Badalandabad.
92
00:07:29,147 --> 00:07:30,944
Where are you from, Taj?
93
00:07:32,050 --> 00:07:34,610
I'm an exchange student
from Banglapur, India.
94
00:07:34,719 --> 00:07:37,449
Welcome.
What can we do for you?
95
00:07:38,656 --> 00:07:41,989
My exchange program culminates
at the end of this school year...
96
00:07:42,093 --> 00:07:44,789
at which time I must return
to my home country...
97
00:07:44,896 --> 00:07:47,626
where I do not have many friends.
98
00:07:47,732 --> 00:07:51,361
I would like very much to spend my
remaining days here as your assistant.
99
00:07:51,469 --> 00:07:53,903
Okay. We're just gonna do
a little word association.
100
00:07:54,005 --> 00:07:56,303
Say the first thing
that comes to your mind. Milk.
101
00:07:56,407 --> 00:07:57,965
Tit!
102
00:07:58,076 --> 00:07:59,873
Oh, Mommy.
103
00:07:59,978 --> 00:08:02,139
Most Indians would say "cow"
because they are sacred...
104
00:08:02,246 --> 00:08:05,147
but I hear "milk,"
I think giant jugs.
105
00:08:05,249 --> 00:08:07,649
You see, I cannot
go home a virgin.
106
00:08:07,752 --> 00:08:11,279
I came here to study the great
American art of muff diving.
107
00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:14,920
To smack clam, munch rug...
108
00:08:15,026 --> 00:08:17,790
dine at just one American
pink taco stand.
109
00:08:17,895 --> 00:08:21,262
You know, I wanted to-- how is it--
park the porpoise.
110
00:08:21,366 --> 00:08:24,597
I want to take it
through the car wash, baby.
111
00:08:24,702 --> 00:08:27,796
And get it waxed.
I want to wax it. Wax it!
112
00:08:27,905 --> 00:08:30,169
You know, and air dry.
113
00:08:30,274 --> 00:08:32,674
Air dry that shit, yeah.
114
00:08:32,777 --> 00:08:36,611
And I would like to be
your assistant very much...
115
00:08:36,714 --> 00:08:38,682
Mr. Van Wilder.
116
00:08:38,783 --> 00:08:41,013
You'll need a copy of my class schedule
so you can take notes.
117
00:08:41,119 --> 00:08:42,484
You'll also handle my finances.
118
00:08:42,587 --> 00:08:44,680
I lecture at the freshman crisis group
every other Monday.
119
00:08:44,789 --> 00:08:46,757
I'm spearheading the Save
the Swim Team Speedo Spectacular...
120
00:08:46,858 --> 00:08:49,019
and the Bloated Belly Beer Bash
to Battle Bulimia this semester.
121
00:08:49,127 --> 00:08:51,687
This is Sick Boy's room. Not a week's
gone by he hasn't had an ailment.
122
00:08:51,796 --> 00:08:54,196
Shingles, hepatitis, crabs.
That was his fault.
123
00:08:54,298 --> 00:08:56,926
- Matzo ball soup. Jewish penicillin.
- Thanks, Van.
124
00:08:57,035 --> 00:08:58,935
Don't pick at it.
Moving on.
125
00:08:59,037 --> 00:09:02,165
I'm moving my 7:15 to 8:15,
my 8:15 to 9:45...
126
00:09:02,273 --> 00:09:04,264
and my 9:45 till Wednesday.
127
00:09:04,375 --> 00:09:06,275
You owe $75,000 for the speed boat.
128
00:09:06,377 --> 00:09:08,277
Cancel my guest lecture
at the Wharton School next week.
129
00:09:08,379 --> 00:09:11,041
I feel like going somewhere tropical.
Tahiti. Are you writing this down?
130
00:09:11,149 --> 00:09:13,379
- Yes, sir.
- You owe $200,000 for the thoroughbred.
131
00:09:13,484 --> 00:09:16,453
Schedule a massage after my golf game
tomorrow afternoon.
132
00:09:16,554 --> 00:09:18,715
- With a happy ending?
- Ah, yes.
133
00:09:18,823 --> 00:09:22,782
And another $39,000 for your son's
tuition and housing this semester.
134
00:09:22,894 --> 00:09:25,954
Tuition?
Van is still in school?
135
00:09:26,064 --> 00:09:27,793
For the better part of a decade.
136
00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:35,264
"Depression:
Is Prozac really the answer?"
137
00:09:35,373 --> 00:09:37,273
"Famine-- Crisis in Rwanda."
138
00:09:37,375 --> 00:09:39,275
"Tracking Tuition:
Where does our money really go?"
139
00:09:39,377 --> 00:09:42,972
Each article well-written and researched
by our own Gwen Pearson...
140
00:09:43,081 --> 00:09:47,347
and each article skipped over
by the majority of the student body.
141
00:09:47,452 --> 00:09:49,943
I don't care.
I won't pander to them.
142
00:09:54,025 --> 00:09:58,018
"Lite Beer vs. Dark-- The Showdown"
by Darius Grayson.
143
00:09:58,129 --> 00:10:00,757
- Is that the same--
- Pulitzer-prize winning Darius Grayson.
144
00:10:00,865 --> 00:10:02,765
He was an alumnus
of our journalism staff.
145
00:10:02,867 --> 00:10:06,166
He wrote his best stuff in detox.
Still does, I'm told.
146
00:10:06,270 --> 00:10:09,899
I have got a very challenging
assignment for you.
147
00:10:10,007 --> 00:10:12,134
A story that nobody's
been able to get.
148
00:10:12,243 --> 00:10:15,110
- About what?
- No, no. It's about whom.
149
00:10:31,562 --> 00:10:33,860
It does not look good.
150
00:10:33,965 --> 00:10:36,092
That's the end of the first half...
151
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,192
and the Chickadees will need
a miracle to come back and score.
152
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,571
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you
to step away from Van's vehicle.
153
00:10:51,682 --> 00:10:52,842
Wilder!
154
00:10:52,950 --> 00:10:55,316
He's got no business parking there.
That's my spot.
155
00:10:57,155 --> 00:10:59,055
They need me, Ted.
156
00:11:02,193 --> 00:11:05,651
This is the first time in my life
I'm glad I'm deaf!.
157
00:11:05,763 --> 00:11:09,392
I can't hear the boos!
Now, listen up.
158
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:12,094
I'm only gonna go over this
one more time.
159
00:11:12,203 --> 00:11:15,229
In the event they switch
to a zone defense...
160
00:11:15,339 --> 00:11:18,172
we must swing the ball
around the perimeter.
161
00:11:19,277 --> 00:11:22,246
This ball club is the heart
of this institution.
162
00:11:22,346 --> 00:11:25,338
You win, it beats.
You lose, it breaks.
163
00:11:25,449 --> 00:11:27,940
You're not boxing out, Big Papa.
You're my Windex man.
164
00:11:28,052 --> 00:11:29,747
I want you shining glass.
165
00:11:29,854 --> 00:11:31,446
We gotta D up out there.
Darius.
166
00:11:31,556 --> 00:11:34,457
I want you all over that ball
like a fat kid on a cupcake.
167
00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:37,119
What are you looking at? Your mom
said you left your legs at home.
168
00:11:37,228 --> 00:11:39,355
For God's sake!
169
00:11:39,463 --> 00:11:42,193
I'd do anything for you guys...
170
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,234
which is why I'm throwing you
a little soiree tomorrow night...
171
00:11:44,335 --> 00:11:46,030
but not without a W tonight.
172
00:11:46,137 --> 00:11:49,538
You want to know why?
Nobody wants to celebrate a loss, guys.
173
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,131
Hey, man, you gonna invite
those freak honeys from Mt. Holyoke?
174
00:11:52,243 --> 00:11:54,905
I already did.
175
00:11:55,012 --> 00:11:58,004
They said they'd try to make it
if they weren't humping the Matadors.
176
00:11:58,115 --> 00:12:00,583
- The Matadors?
- What?
177
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,652
Come on.
We got a ball game to win.
178
00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:11,022
Let's go kick some Matador tail--
179
00:12:33,584 --> 00:12:35,814
How bad do you wanna be...
180
00:12:37,021 --> 00:12:38,010
a Delta?
181
00:12:38,122 --> 00:12:40,590
Would you walk on broken glass?
182
00:12:40,691 --> 00:12:43,683
Let the shards tear
into your Achilles tendon...
183
00:12:43,794 --> 00:12:45,819
causing acute achondroplasia...
184
00:12:45,930 --> 00:12:48,922
which could lead to non-congenital
dwarfism as you got older?
185
00:12:50,034 --> 00:12:53,094
Ease up on the medical terms.
Just keep it simple and terrifying.
186
00:12:53,204 --> 00:12:57,698
Gordon, there are very few things more
terrifying than non-congenital dwarfism.
187
00:12:57,808 --> 00:13:01,175
Hey, Richard.
Ready to study?
188
00:13:01,279 --> 00:13:04,373
Gwenny, I said 9:30.
It's 9:20.
189
00:13:04,482 --> 00:13:06,916
I'm in the middle
of an 80-year tradition here.
190
00:13:09,287 --> 00:13:12,620
I will be up when I'm done with
my presidential responsibilities.
191
00:13:12,723 --> 00:13:14,691
Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs.
192
00:13:15,860 --> 00:13:18,727
Who's my alabaster princess?
193
00:13:19,664 --> 00:13:21,791
You are. You are.
194
00:13:25,136 --> 00:13:27,866
Relax, guys.
They're just Doritos.
195
00:13:28,906 --> 00:13:30,874
Listen to me,
you little fuck stains!
196
00:13:30,975 --> 00:13:34,843
When I count to 3, you will jump
or be banished from this house forever!
197
00:13:34,945 --> 00:13:37,413
1, 2--
198
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:43,578
Fuck!
199
00:14:05,609 --> 00:14:08,942
Excuse me.
Where can I find Van Wilder?
200
00:14:09,046 --> 00:14:11,947
In the Guiness Book
of World-fucking-Records, man...
201
00:14:12,049 --> 00:14:14,517
under "Raddest fucking dude alive"!
202
00:14:14,618 --> 00:14:16,609
Okay. Thanks.
203
00:14:16,721 --> 00:14:18,746
In any one of these three rooms,
Gramps.
204
00:14:31,869 --> 00:14:34,702
Sweet Joseph,
my son's a fairy.
205
00:14:35,806 --> 00:14:38,536
Dad, what are you doing here?
206
00:14:39,377 --> 00:14:41,868
- Thank God.
- No jammies.
207
00:14:41,979 --> 00:14:45,471
- Party foul.
- No, don't-- Oh, dear God.
208
00:14:45,583 --> 00:14:47,813
Next time you'll know better.
209
00:14:53,290 --> 00:14:56,384
7 years, and no degree.
You should have graduated twice by now.
210
00:14:56,494 --> 00:14:58,223
I've done a lot in 7 years.
211
00:14:58,329 --> 00:15:00,559
If you don't have your doctorate,
you haven't done enough.
212
00:15:00,664 --> 00:15:03,224
But you have wasted enough
of your time and my money.
213
00:15:03,334 --> 00:15:06,531
Pack up your panties, son,
because we are headin' home.
214
00:15:11,242 --> 00:15:13,642
I'm staying here with my friends.
215
00:15:13,744 --> 00:15:17,202
Fine. Maybe your friends
can pay your tuition.
216
00:15:17,314 --> 00:15:20,750
Because this morning I placed
a stop payment on this semester's check.
217
00:15:20,851 --> 00:15:22,318
I'm sorry, son.
218
00:15:22,420 --> 00:15:25,912
Sometimes in life you have to
realize a poor investment...
219
00:15:26,023 --> 00:15:27,513
and cut your losses.
220
00:15:29,527 --> 00:15:31,893
Write that down.
221
00:15:44,141 --> 00:15:46,041
I need more time.
222
00:15:46,143 --> 00:15:48,043
There's got to be something
that we can work out.
223
00:15:49,447 --> 00:15:52,041
What is that intoxicating scent
you're wearing, Doris?
224
00:15:52,149 --> 00:15:54,413
I have cats.
225
00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:56,418
Meow!
226
00:15:59,824 --> 00:16:03,123
Maybe you could put me
on some sort of extension...
227
00:16:04,562 --> 00:16:06,120
program?
228
00:16:06,230 --> 00:16:09,791
- A little pay-as-you-go?
- Are you trying to seduce me?
229
00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:13,233
Who, me? No!
230
00:16:20,744 --> 00:16:23,212
You know, maybe this isn't
such a good idea.
231
00:16:23,314 --> 00:16:25,976
Being bad seldom is.
232
00:16:35,726 --> 00:16:37,853
Oh, yeah.
233
00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:40,260
That's the shit.
234
00:16:40,364 --> 00:16:43,162
Guess what. I'm feeling
a little cold sore coming on.
235
00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:46,430
Maybe we shouldn't do this
for 3 to 6 weeks.
236
00:16:46,537 --> 00:16:50,769
Shut up, bitch,
and give me some sugar.
237
00:17:01,452 --> 00:17:05,252
Fill this out. It's a standard
payment plan extension form.
238
00:17:06,557 --> 00:17:09,685
You mean, we didn't have to--
239
00:17:09,793 --> 00:17:12,523
But aren't you glad we did?
240
00:17:26,243 --> 00:17:28,143
You can either mail this in
or drop it off.
241
00:17:28,245 --> 00:17:29,473
Go, baby, go!
242
00:17:30,581 --> 00:17:32,310
Mail it in!
243
00:17:33,150 --> 00:17:36,210
Mail it in! Mail it in.
244
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,483
Van, you must make
4 monthly payments of $5,000 each.
245
00:17:39,590 --> 00:17:42,115
I'm sorry, Taj.
I'm gonna have to let you go.
246
00:17:42,226 --> 00:17:45,627
I don't have the resources
to pay for your services anymore.
247
00:17:45,729 --> 00:17:47,720
A good soldier
does not leave his commander...
248
00:17:47,831 --> 00:17:50,891
just because he lies wounded,
arms torn off at the sockets...
249
00:17:51,001 --> 00:17:53,868
intestines spilling out onto the mud,
picked at by the birds.
250
00:17:53,971 --> 00:17:55,962
I will stay on at no charge.
251
00:17:56,073 --> 00:17:57,802
Okay.
252
00:17:57,908 --> 00:17:59,967
Exactly how much money do you have?
253
00:18:00,077 --> 00:18:02,307
- He has only $34.
- Damn, Van!
254
00:18:02,413 --> 00:18:05,405
What the hell you gonna do
with $34, man?
255
00:18:37,314 --> 00:18:41,182
Congratulations, Taj!
Your first blow job.
256
00:18:41,285 --> 00:18:44,448
In my country, a woman's mastery
of her gastronomical releases...
257
00:18:44,555 --> 00:18:46,182
is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
258
00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:49,453
Desiree is the foremost connoisseur
of chili con carne...
259
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:50,754
and a TA at Coolidge.
260
00:18:50,861 --> 00:18:52,726
I wish I had teachers like that.
261
00:18:52,830 --> 00:18:56,357
And just like that,
Topless Tutors was born.
262
00:18:57,468 --> 00:18:59,629
X...
263
00:18:59,737 --> 00:19:03,002
equals... 6?
264
00:19:03,107 --> 00:19:04,039
Yeah!
265
00:19:05,609 --> 00:19:07,270
We knew you could do it.
266
00:19:07,378 --> 00:19:09,573
Desi told me how she
and a few of her grad school pals...
267
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,739
could use some extra income.
268
00:19:11,849 --> 00:19:14,079
Taj proved to be
an excellent company accountant...
269
00:19:14,184 --> 00:19:16,846
as well as our most valued client.
270
00:19:27,798 --> 00:19:29,459
Excuse me.
271
00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:33,932
I'm looking for information
on a current student here, Van Wilder.
272
00:19:40,377 --> 00:19:42,504
Freshman year.
I'll get the others.
273
00:19:42,613 --> 00:19:46,276
- Wait. There are more of these?
- Actually, there are many more.
274
00:19:46,383 --> 00:19:49,181
It seems Mr. Wilder didn't quite
come out of his shell...
275
00:19:49,286 --> 00:19:51,516
until mid-sophomore year.
276
00:19:53,057 --> 00:19:54,456
Thanks.
277
00:19:57,761 --> 00:20:00,355
It's like this itchy,
rashy burning sensation.
278
00:20:00,464 --> 00:20:02,557
And it hurts when I--
279
00:20:04,368 --> 00:20:06,495
- Dance?
- When I pee.
280
00:20:07,604 --> 00:20:09,469
- You hooked up with a burner.
- Yeah.
281
00:20:09,573 --> 00:20:12,133
She seemed like a nice girl,
said it was her first time?
282
00:20:12,242 --> 00:20:14,972
Always check the quality of the turf
before you step onto the field.
283
00:20:15,079 --> 00:20:17,946
Listen, go to the campus hospital,
see Stu.
284
00:20:18,048 --> 00:20:21,540
Tell him Van sent you, and remember--
Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool.
285
00:20:21,652 --> 00:20:23,142
Thanks, Van. Thanks a lot.
286
00:20:23,253 --> 00:20:25,221
Don't thank me.
Thank penicillin.
287
00:20:27,091 --> 00:20:30,424
Crazy kids with their crazy VD.
288
00:20:32,262 --> 00:20:34,662
- You must be Van.
- Hi.
289
00:20:35,466 --> 00:20:37,832
I'm Gwen Pearson,
staff writer for The Liberator.
290
00:20:40,871 --> 00:20:44,398
Okay, look, that old bag
is stronger than she looks.
291
00:20:44,508 --> 00:20:47,602
I'm doing a human
interest piece on you.
292
00:20:47,711 --> 00:20:50,509
I'm flattered.
I'd love for your piece to be on me.
293
00:20:52,549 --> 00:20:55,450
But sadly I don't do interviews.
Never have, never will. I do lunch.
294
00:20:55,552 --> 00:20:57,782
My editor did say
this would be a challenge.
295
00:20:57,888 --> 00:20:59,879
Van, second date with Emily.
296
00:20:59,990 --> 00:21:02,754
Blue. Brings out your eyes. Kid's got
killer eyes, not unlike yourself.
297
00:21:02,860 --> 00:21:05,124
- Has anyone told you that before?
- Yes, my boyfriend.
298
00:21:05,963 --> 00:21:07,931
Is it true that this is
your 7th year at Coolidge?
299
00:21:08,031 --> 00:21:10,431
Carry the two--
Yes, that's correct.
300
00:21:10,534 --> 00:21:12,593
So what's your boyfriend's name?
Does he go to school here?
301
00:21:12,703 --> 00:21:14,762
- Does he appreciate you?
- That's none of your business.
302
00:21:14,872 --> 00:21:17,102
You know what? You're right.
303
00:21:19,143 --> 00:21:22,544
His name's Richard.
He's premed.
304
00:21:22,646 --> 00:21:24,546
Van, you have a 1:30
with the swim team.
305
00:21:24,648 --> 00:21:25,979
On it.
306
00:21:26,083 --> 00:21:28,210
- You have an assistant?
- Yes, I do.
307
00:21:30,454 --> 00:21:32,718
Is there anything you
can tell me about yourself...
308
00:21:32,823 --> 00:21:35,291
that I haven't already found out
from your public records?
309
00:21:35,392 --> 00:21:37,553
I'll be at the quad tomorrow night
at 10:00. Sound good?
310
00:21:37,661 --> 00:21:41,062
- It's a date.
- It's an interview, not a date.
311
00:21:43,734 --> 00:21:46,396
Gwen, first dates are interviews.
312
00:21:48,172 --> 00:21:50,231
You going out tonight?
313
00:21:50,340 --> 00:21:53,969
Rob's coming over.
I'm closing in on that diamond, Gwen.
314
00:21:54,077 --> 00:21:56,409
The dynamic duo
will seal the deal tonight.
315
00:21:56,513 --> 00:21:58,413
Good luck, ladies.
316
00:22:01,351 --> 00:22:04,843
Somebody got awfully dressed up
to quiz me on my anatomy midterm.
317
00:22:04,955 --> 00:22:07,753
I'm so sorry, baby.
I totally forgot.
318
00:22:07,858 --> 00:22:10,418
- I have an interview for the paper.
- At 10:00 at night?
319
00:22:10,527 --> 00:22:13,758
Can't you postpone it?
Gwen, first exam-- most crucial.
320
00:22:13,864 --> 00:22:17,265
It's not like you're on a deadline
for the Boston Globe.
321
00:22:17,367 --> 00:22:20,336
It's the only time he had available.
I'll call you as soon as I get back.
322
00:22:20,437 --> 00:22:21,927
Bye.
323
00:22:23,273 --> 00:22:24,763
He?
324
00:22:30,214 --> 00:22:33,115
All right. Gwen, all right!
You're just in time.
325
00:22:33,217 --> 00:22:35,185
- Take your clothes off.
- I'm not taking off my clothes.
326
00:22:35,285 --> 00:22:39,517
It is the Naked Mile Run. Everybody
else is in their birthday suit.
327
00:22:40,991 --> 00:22:42,458
Except that guy.
328
00:22:43,660 --> 00:22:46,891
- I have a few questions for you.
- In time. This is gonna be fun.
329
00:22:46,997 --> 00:22:49,124
You know that 3-letter word
that starts with F?
330
00:22:49,233 --> 00:22:52,202
So you're quite the campus man,
heading events like the Jager Olympics.
331
00:22:52,302 --> 00:22:55,533
Yes, well, you haven't lived...
332
00:22:55,639 --> 00:22:57,573
until you've shot putted
blitzed on Jager.
333
00:22:57,674 --> 00:23:00,472
- Heinie?
- This was a really bad idea.
334
00:23:01,912 --> 00:23:04,312
Are we gonna reschedule or what?
335
00:23:14,524 --> 00:23:16,424
Who's a big boy?
336
00:23:17,928 --> 00:23:20,158
Oh, God!
337
00:23:20,264 --> 00:23:22,391
Those things
could raise the Titanic.
338
00:23:24,167 --> 00:23:25,464
You Van Wilder?
339
00:23:25,569 --> 00:23:28,003
The strip club owner got tired
of using his B squad...
340
00:23:28,105 --> 00:23:31,006
so he came back
for the starting lineup.
341
00:23:31,108 --> 00:23:32,837
Topless Tutors was dead.
342
00:23:34,511 --> 00:23:37,173
We are truly up the Ganges River
without a bamboo oar.
343
00:23:37,281 --> 00:23:40,011
We're still $1,200 short
of your next tuition payment.
344
00:23:40,117 --> 00:23:43,678
Taj, I learned a long time ago
that worrying is like a rocking chair.
345
00:23:43,787 --> 00:23:46,085
It gives you something to do,
but it doesn't get you anywhere.
346
00:23:46,189 --> 00:23:47,747
Write that down.
347
00:23:47,858 --> 00:23:50,122
Don't even sweat it, Taj.
I've got a plan.
348
00:23:51,561 --> 00:23:53,324
- Let's go get fucked up.
- Sounds good.
349
00:23:53,430 --> 00:23:54,897
Is that all you think about?
350
00:23:54,998 --> 00:23:56,761
I admit I applied for this job...
351
00:23:56,867 --> 00:23:59,597
because I wanted to cut loose
and shake my rump...
352
00:23:59,703 --> 00:24:02,228
but I do not believe that this dilemma
will be solved by partying.
353
00:24:06,209 --> 00:24:08,040
Can I help you, son?
354
00:24:08,845 --> 00:24:10,745
I certainly hope so, Mr. Wilder.
355
00:24:10,847 --> 00:24:12,781
I come to you in desperation.
356
00:24:12,883 --> 00:24:17,217
I'm Panos Patakos, president
of the Lambda Omega Omega fraternity.
357
00:24:17,321 --> 00:24:20,381
I'm sure you're aware
of our... stigma.
358
00:24:20,490 --> 00:24:23,653
Yeah, you guys have had
the best GPA the last 50 years.
359
00:24:24,661 --> 00:24:26,652
Indeed, but believe it or not...
360
00:24:26,763 --> 00:24:28,993
the best GPA doesn't get you laid.
361
00:24:29,099 --> 00:24:31,533
- Damn well should.
- Amen.
362
00:24:31,635 --> 00:24:35,071
This month marks
our 75th anniversary.
363
00:24:35,172 --> 00:24:38,733
I am here to ask you to aid us
in throwing a party...
364
00:24:38,842 --> 00:24:40,742
a party we can be proud of...
365
00:24:40,844 --> 00:24:43,745
a party people will
actually show up to.
366
00:24:43,847 --> 00:24:47,647
Gosh, I'd really love to help, but I
have a bamboo oar stuck up my Gangees.
367
00:24:47,751 --> 00:24:49,343
It's very scary stuff.
368
00:24:49,453 --> 00:24:51,353
I just don't have the time.
369
00:24:52,689 --> 00:24:54,884
How much is your time worth?
370
00:24:56,593 --> 00:24:58,652
Panos reminded me that I had one...
371
00:24:58,762 --> 00:25:00,889
very valuable skill
I'd yet to tap--
372
00:25:00,998 --> 00:25:04,832
my undeniable ability
to throw one hell of a party.
373
00:25:09,539 --> 00:25:12,440
I was hanging on by a thread,
but I was still making tuition.
374
00:25:16,113 --> 00:25:18,581
The strawberry! Eat the strawberry!
It's worth 250!
375
00:25:18,682 --> 00:25:21,947
- Don't you think I know that?
- You treat me like a child.
376
00:25:22,052 --> 00:25:23,952
I don't like the way you
condescend me.
377
00:25:24,054 --> 00:25:25,954
- Don't do that!
- Frankly, you're juvenile.
378
00:25:26,056 --> 00:25:27,614
Guys.
379
00:25:27,724 --> 00:25:29,624
I know Ms. Pac Man's special.
380
00:25:29,726 --> 00:25:32,854
She's fun. She's cute.
She swallows.
381
00:25:32,963 --> 00:25:35,056
But we gotta talk, guys.
382
00:25:35,165 --> 00:25:38,134
Huddle up. Come on.
Team meeting here.
383
00:25:38,235 --> 00:25:40,931
Cowboy. All right.
384
00:25:41,038 --> 00:25:42,938
I look at you guys,
and you know what I see?
385
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:45,634
A collective GPA of 52,000?
386
00:25:45,742 --> 00:25:47,039
Yeah! No!
387
00:25:47,144 --> 00:25:49,408
I see a bunch of party animals...
388
00:25:49,513 --> 00:25:51,743
crouched in attack position,
ready to strike.
389
00:25:51,848 --> 00:25:53,213
Am I right?
390
00:25:54,384 --> 00:25:55,817
No one even knows we're here.
391
00:25:55,919 --> 00:25:59,252
Au contraire, mon freres.
Girls!
392
00:26:00,924 --> 00:26:03,586
I'd like you to meet
Sherri and Terri.
393
00:26:03,693 --> 00:26:06,253
Two girls utterly infatuated...
394
00:26:06,363 --> 00:26:08,923
with men who have
larger than normal...
395
00:26:09,032 --> 00:26:11,262
medulla oblongatas.
396
00:26:17,441 --> 00:26:20,933
Pearson, I got a hot news tip for you.
It's Friday night. Get out of here.
397
00:26:21,044 --> 00:26:24,343
I know. I'm just doing some final
revisions to this piece on euthanasia.
398
00:26:24,448 --> 00:26:26,848
Oh, I read that.
Made me want to kill myself.
399
00:26:26,950 --> 00:26:28,178
I'm kidding.
400
00:26:28,285 --> 00:26:30,446
- Where's my Wilder story?
- There is no story, Elliot.
401
00:26:30,554 --> 00:26:33,785
The guy's a joke. He tries to turn
every interview into a date.
402
00:26:33,890 --> 00:26:36,188
A good writer gets her story
no matter what.
403
00:26:36,293 --> 00:26:41,128
Please get me the Wilder piece.
He's throwing a big party tonight.
404
00:26:41,231 --> 00:26:43,529
You should be there.
405
00:26:50,974 --> 00:26:53,772
- This is really a pimpin' good time.
- Yes, it is.
406
00:26:56,246 --> 00:26:59,977
Look who's checking out
the Badalandabad. Her name's Naomi.
407
00:27:00,083 --> 00:27:02,483
That's "I moan" backwards.
408
00:27:04,221 --> 00:27:07,384
I put in a good word for you.
409
00:27:07,491 --> 00:27:10,221
Hey, Tajy. Let's boogie.
410
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,612
These are the most pathetic
bunch of pledges.
411
00:27:32,716 --> 00:27:34,308
You picked 'em.
412
00:27:36,186 --> 00:27:38,086
Hey, babe.
413
00:27:38,188 --> 00:27:40,816
- Why aren't you in costume?
- I can't stay. I have to work tonight.
414
00:27:40,924 --> 00:27:42,824
You're gonna miss
the biggest party of the year.
415
00:27:44,628 --> 00:27:46,562
Well, I gotta go.
416
00:27:46,663 --> 00:27:49,154
- I'll call you tomorrow.
- What?
417
00:27:49,266 --> 00:27:51,166
This party so rocks, Richard.
418
00:27:51,268 --> 00:27:54,499
- This party sucks rectum, Jeannie.
- Okay.
419
00:27:56,773 --> 00:27:58,673
Where the hell is everyone?
420
00:27:58,775 --> 00:28:01,073
Mad props
for this pimpin' good time...
421
00:28:01,178 --> 00:28:03,271
go out to those
hung and handsome bad boys...
422
00:28:03,380 --> 00:28:05,280
of Lambda Omega Omega.
423
00:28:06,616 --> 00:28:09,176
Thanks for the good time, fellas.
424
00:28:19,996 --> 00:28:22,760
- Let's get you some skates.
- I'm not here to skate.
425
00:28:22,866 --> 00:28:25,027
For some reason,
my editor thinks you're a story.
426
00:28:25,135 --> 00:28:26,659
What do you think?
427
00:28:26,770 --> 00:28:29,637
As a story, I think...
428
00:28:29,739 --> 00:28:31,036
you're a little soft.
429
00:28:31,141 --> 00:28:35,009
Wow, all this time I thought I was more
to you than just some flaccid story.
430
00:28:35,912 --> 00:28:37,812
A dilemma has arose up front.
431
00:28:37,914 --> 00:28:40,815
- Don't know if we got our point across.
- Crystal clear, guys.
432
00:28:40,917 --> 00:28:43,385
- This is incredible.
- 100 percent. Don't go anywhere.
433
00:28:43,486 --> 00:28:45,977
Seriously.
Van is a godsend.
434
00:28:46,089 --> 00:28:48,819
I would have paid him way more
than a grand for this party.
435
00:28:48,925 --> 00:28:51,086
I would have cashed in
my Israel bonds.
436
00:28:51,194 --> 00:28:54,129
- How do you put a price on dignity?
- How do you put a price on poonani?
437
00:28:54,231 --> 00:28:56,665
- Yes!
- Oh, God!
438
00:28:57,901 --> 00:28:59,801
Oh, my God. Feel it!
439
00:29:04,641 --> 00:29:07,235
Whoa. Trick or treat.
What's going on?
440
00:29:07,344 --> 00:29:10,507
This vaginal discharge
won't let us partake in the party.
441
00:29:10,614 --> 00:29:12,013
Graphic.
442
00:29:12,115 --> 00:29:14,413
I'm sure we can accommodate
a few more, yeah?
443
00:29:14,517 --> 00:29:17,281
No can do.
We're at maximum capacity.
444
00:29:21,291 --> 00:29:23,259
- What are you doing here?
- You two know each other?
445
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:24,987
That's my girlfriend,
gluteous erecti.
446
00:29:25,095 --> 00:29:27,825
- You must be premed Dick.
- Yeah, that's right.
447
00:29:27,931 --> 00:29:31,128
- What's it to you?
- Thanks for the story.
448
00:29:31,234 --> 00:29:32,292
What story?
449
00:29:32,502 --> 00:29:34,299
Brilliant, Pearson.
450
00:29:34,404 --> 00:29:36,634
I have been inundated
with people telling me...
451
00:29:36,740 --> 00:29:38,867
how much they enjoy
reading about this guy.
452
00:29:38,975 --> 00:29:41,773
They want more, and so do I.
I want you to do a follow-up.
453
00:29:41,878 --> 00:29:44,108
I did your story, Elliot.
I'm not doing another one.
454
00:29:44,214 --> 00:29:46,580
Even if I tell you it's gonna be on the
front page of the graduation issue...
455
00:29:46,683 --> 00:29:47,945
in 2 months?
456
00:29:50,086 --> 00:29:52,987
And I quote,
"Van Wilder is a party pimp."
457
00:29:53,089 --> 00:29:55,990
Sick Boy.
Can you believe she wrote that?
458
00:29:56,092 --> 00:29:59,118
Van Wilder's phone.
I do not foresee that to be a problem.
459
00:29:59,229 --> 00:30:01,857
And that guy she's with--
all kinds of wrong for her.
460
00:30:01,965 --> 00:30:05,731
- Sick Boy, how are you doing?
- Van, the shingles are all gone.
461
00:30:06,770 --> 00:30:08,169
That ointment really worked.
462
00:30:08,271 --> 00:30:09,636
Thanks.
463
00:30:09,739 --> 00:30:11,639
Lookin' good there, buddy.
464
00:30:17,447 --> 00:30:19,711
- He'll call you back.
- Unbelievable.
465
00:30:19,816 --> 00:30:22,250
Van Wilder's phone.
466
00:30:22,352 --> 00:30:25,412
- Terrible.
- I think so. Yeah.
467
00:30:25,522 --> 00:30:27,547
- Hang on.
- Unbelievable.
468
00:30:27,657 --> 00:30:30,023
Van's room.
Saturday night, yeah.
469
00:30:30,126 --> 00:30:32,822
That's-- How did you--
From the paper?
470
00:30:32,929 --> 00:30:35,591
Yeah, that's fine!
Okay, thanks.
471
00:30:35,699 --> 00:30:37,929
- No problem confirming. Bye.
- This writing, it's just--
472
00:30:39,302 --> 00:30:42,294
I was just wondering if you could...
slam the door in my face.
473
00:30:42,405 --> 00:30:44,168
Van, you must listen to me.
474
00:30:44,274 --> 00:30:47,903
Because of her article, everybody wants
to have a party thrown by Van Wilder...
475
00:30:48,011 --> 00:30:49,706
the party liaison.
476
00:30:49,813 --> 00:30:52,179
Your cash camel has arrived!
477
00:30:56,319 --> 00:30:58,219
We need to talk.
478
00:31:00,724 --> 00:31:03,124
This is why I don't do interviews.
You totally slammed me.
479
00:31:03,226 --> 00:31:05,626
You journalists
and your irresponsible reporting.
480
00:31:05,729 --> 00:31:08,698
I recorded quotes that you got money
from the Lambdas to throw them a party.
481
00:31:08,798 --> 00:31:11,596
Recorded? What are you, bugged?
Do I need to frisk you?
482
00:31:11,701 --> 00:31:13,692
Why is my story
such a big deal to you?
483
00:31:13,803 --> 00:31:16,670
Because I didn't want the students
to know I threw the party.
484
00:31:16,773 --> 00:31:19,970
They paid me, but that's not
the only reason I did it.
485
00:31:20,076 --> 00:31:23,307
Lambdas are cool in their own right.
People just needed to realize it.
486
00:31:23,413 --> 00:31:26,871
I'm sorry. I didn't know
you had a benevolent agenda.
487
00:31:26,983 --> 00:31:29,315
There's two sides
to every story, Gwen.
488
00:31:29,419 --> 00:31:31,819
I have a chance to make front page
of the graduation issue...
489
00:31:31,921 --> 00:31:34,185
which is a huge deal to me.
490
00:31:34,290 --> 00:31:36,656
Let me get the other side.
491
00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:39,024
There's this function
I'm hosting tomorrow night.
492
00:31:39,129 --> 00:31:42,189
If you want...
you could tag along.
493
00:31:42,298 --> 00:31:44,528
- I'll be there.
- It's a date.
494
00:31:44,634 --> 00:31:47,194
It's an interview.
495
00:31:47,303 --> 00:31:49,328
Remember, today's assignment
is about shadow.
496
00:31:49,439 --> 00:31:51,566
So don't get too hung up
on detail.
497
00:31:51,674 --> 00:31:53,574
All right, everybody?
498
00:31:53,676 --> 00:31:55,507
Oh, Lord!
499
00:31:57,714 --> 00:32:00,808
So much sinew,
I need a bigger pencil.
500
00:32:00,917 --> 00:32:02,851
8:30 p.m.
Yeah, that's fine.
501
00:32:04,287 --> 00:32:08,348
Word spread around campus. My calendar
was filled with parties to plan.
502
00:32:08,458 --> 00:32:12,019
Van Wilder, party liaison, was born.
503
00:32:13,363 --> 00:32:16,264
At the Hillel House, I broke bread.
504
00:32:16,366 --> 00:32:18,266
And then I broke the boredom.
505
00:32:22,272 --> 00:32:25,708
They said I did them a mitzvah.
That's Yiddish for "good deed."
506
00:32:25,809 --> 00:32:28,277
Write that down.
507
00:32:28,378 --> 00:32:30,869
Oh, yeah, she came too.
508
00:32:35,452 --> 00:32:37,477
This is the second party
of his she's gone to.
509
00:32:37,587 --> 00:32:38,952
Sounds serious. Threatened?
510
00:32:41,057 --> 00:32:43,287
Threatened? Please.
511
00:32:44,928 --> 00:32:48,261
I'm president of both my fraternity
and the student government.
512
00:32:49,265 --> 00:32:51,699
He's nothing more
than a mild rectal itch.
513
00:32:53,169 --> 00:32:55,160
You know what you do
about a mild rectal itch, Gordo?
514
00:32:55,271 --> 00:32:57,364
- What's that, Richard?
- You scratch it.
515
00:32:57,474 --> 00:32:59,408
Then you scratch it some more.
516
00:32:59,509 --> 00:33:01,409
The more you scratch at it,
the worse it gets...
517
00:33:01,511 --> 00:33:05,072
until finally you have nothing left
but a raw, chafed...
518
00:33:05,181 --> 00:33:08,082
possibly infected anal cavity.
519
00:33:09,185 --> 00:33:10,550
Then it's won.
520
00:33:10,653 --> 00:33:14,419
When all you had to do from the start
was take a medicated pad...
521
00:33:16,192 --> 00:33:17,352
and smother it.
522
00:33:22,499 --> 00:33:24,990
All right, people,
midterm is next week.
523
00:33:26,703 --> 00:33:28,603
Here you have your 5 categories--
524
00:33:28,705 --> 00:33:31,606
commerce and trade,
so forth and so on.
525
00:33:31,708 --> 00:33:33,471
What you doing?
526
00:33:34,577 --> 00:33:37,307
I'm in the middle of class.
You know, that 5-letter word.
527
00:33:37,413 --> 00:33:40,382
I thought we could spend
some time together...
528
00:33:40,483 --> 00:33:42,781
for the story.
529
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:46,220
I want you to have this.
530
00:33:47,957 --> 00:33:50,551
- Yeah.
- And thank you.
531
00:33:50,660 --> 00:33:53,891
All right, things to remember--
commerce and trade--
532
00:33:53,997 --> 00:33:56,830
Everybody just file out
in an orderly fashion.
533
00:34:05,808 --> 00:34:08,242
What? Come on. Hop in.
534
00:34:08,344 --> 00:34:10,244
I am not getting
in that thing with you.
535
00:34:10,346 --> 00:34:12,712
If you want the story,
you'll get in this thing with me.
536
00:34:15,184 --> 00:34:17,084
What happened?
Is everyone okay?
537
00:34:22,258 --> 00:34:23,316
Wilder.
538
00:34:25,828 --> 00:34:27,955
Are we gonna get in trouble
for being in here?
539
00:34:28,064 --> 00:34:30,999
It's cool. Equipment manager owes me
a favor. I introduced him to his wife.
540
00:34:31,100 --> 00:34:33,466
Life is all about
developing relationships, Gwen.
541
00:34:33,570 --> 00:34:36,164
I hope you can skate.
542
00:34:37,340 --> 00:34:40,002
So the deal is, I score...
543
00:34:40,109 --> 00:34:42,669
you cooperate
and answer all my questions?
544
00:34:42,779 --> 00:34:45,247
- I miss--
- Dinner for two, me and you.
545
00:34:46,115 --> 00:34:47,514
Clothing optional.
546
00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:12,098
Come on!
547
00:35:19,415 --> 00:35:20,473
Holy crap.
548
00:35:40,169 --> 00:35:43,138
My brothers play hockey...
549
00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:45,139
for the Rangers.
550
00:35:46,309 --> 00:35:48,777
My dad just didn't see me
as a sound investment anymore.
551
00:35:48,878 --> 00:35:52,814
But he gave up on me and my mom
long before I ever came here.
552
00:35:55,018 --> 00:35:57,145
Maybe 7 years of tuition...
553
00:35:57,253 --> 00:35:59,687
is a good way to remind him
that you're still angry.
554
00:36:01,424 --> 00:36:05,155
So how long have you
and premed Richard been together?
555
00:36:05,261 --> 00:36:08,492
- Since my freshman year.
- I bet he's a tighty whitey guy.
556
00:36:08,598 --> 00:36:11,590
- Excuse me?
- White, elastic band, constrictive.
557
00:36:11,701 --> 00:36:13,965
You can tell a lot about a person
by the kind of drawers they wear.
558
00:36:14,070 --> 00:36:15,560
Like you. Granny panties, I bet.
559
00:36:15,672 --> 00:36:18,163
Does that allude to me
being the plain, boring type?
560
00:36:19,375 --> 00:36:21,605
I just wanted a visual.
561
00:36:21,711 --> 00:36:24,612
I think it takes a lot more than
the kind of underwear one wears...
562
00:36:24,714 --> 00:36:26,375
to define them as a person.
563
00:36:27,483 --> 00:36:28,916
Like what?
564
00:36:29,018 --> 00:36:30,918
Like their actions.
565
00:36:31,020 --> 00:36:32,920
For instance, most people...
566
00:36:33,022 --> 00:36:35,718
want to get out of school
so they can make money.
567
00:36:35,825 --> 00:36:38,794
You're trying to make money
to stay in school.
568
00:36:39,896 --> 00:36:42,296
- Why?
- I like it here.
569
00:36:44,300 --> 00:36:46,598
What about your future?
570
00:36:46,703 --> 00:36:51,072
- You take life way too seriously.
- Life is serious.
571
00:36:51,174 --> 00:36:53,904
I used to party with this guy
who once told me...
572
00:36:54,010 --> 00:36:57,138
"Don't take life too seriously.
You'll never get out alive."
573
00:36:59,916 --> 00:37:02,146
He used to write
for the school paper.
574
00:37:02,251 --> 00:37:05,414
He kept babbling about the differences
between light and dark beer.
575
00:37:07,924 --> 00:37:10,256
Very strange, but good advice.
576
00:37:10,359 --> 00:37:14,420
You think about the future too much,
you kinda forget about the present...
577
00:37:14,530 --> 00:37:16,498
obviously.
578
00:37:16,599 --> 00:37:19,830
And I am really enjoying
the present right now...
579
00:37:19,936 --> 00:37:23,064
sharing a penalty box and a tri-latte
with Gwen Pearson...
580
00:37:23,172 --> 00:37:26,835
who believes censorship reflects
society's lack of confidence in itself.
581
00:37:26,943 --> 00:37:29,070
You actually read that article?
582
00:37:29,178 --> 00:37:32,875
Okay, look, I read the damn article,
but don't tell anyone...
583
00:37:32,982 --> 00:37:35,416
because if word gets out that I read,
my reputation--
584
00:37:35,518 --> 00:37:38,351
shot to hell.
585
00:37:42,692 --> 00:37:45,320
She's smart, she's beautiful...
586
00:37:45,428 --> 00:37:47,328
she can skate.
587
00:37:47,430 --> 00:37:51,127
She's not for you, dude.
She's too high-strung.
588
00:37:51,234 --> 00:37:53,361
Besides, babes that fine--
589
00:37:53,469 --> 00:37:56,404
they're way into themselves
and shit.
590
00:37:58,541 --> 00:38:00,702
After this weekend,
we should have sufficient funds...
591
00:38:00,810 --> 00:38:02,710
to cover your next two payments.
592
00:38:02,812 --> 00:38:04,973
I mean, this girl is dynamite.
593
00:38:06,883 --> 00:38:08,942
Too bad she's dating
Strapper John, MD.
594
00:38:13,122 --> 00:38:17,024
- Where did you find that?
- In your room a few days ago.
595
00:38:17,126 --> 00:38:20,357
I'm trying to spark this bong,
but this damn thing won't light.
596
00:38:20,463 --> 00:38:23,261
That's no bong!
It's for my schlong!
597
00:38:28,738 --> 00:38:30,399
Hold on.
598
00:38:30,506 --> 00:38:32,667
You mean I put my mouth
on your cock pump?
599
00:38:34,110 --> 00:38:35,168
Oh, damn!
600
00:38:40,249 --> 00:38:42,581
I have a date with Naomi
tomorrow night...
601
00:38:42,685 --> 00:38:45,620
and I just wanted
to bring my A game.
602
00:38:45,721 --> 00:38:50,158
Taj, come on!
That's what I'm here for, right?
603
00:38:50,259 --> 00:38:52,318
Now, follow my foolproof plan...
604
00:38:52,428 --> 00:38:55,488
and I'm gonna help you put
the bang in Banglapur.
605
00:38:56,265 --> 00:38:58,460
All you need are the three
fundamentals-- scented candles...
606
00:38:59,869 --> 00:39:01,894
massage oil...
607
00:39:02,004 --> 00:39:03,631
and Barry White.
608
00:39:03,739 --> 00:39:05,969
Write that down.
609
00:39:06,075 --> 00:39:09,306
- Hey, no cock pump.
- No cock pump.
610
00:39:09,412 --> 00:39:10,811
Barry White.
611
00:39:11,914 --> 00:39:14,712
- I'm gonna go wash my hands now.
- Oh, Gwen!
612
00:39:14,817 --> 00:39:18,651
Your labia feels so good
around my swollen phallus.
613
00:39:20,957 --> 00:39:22,857
I'm fairly confident
I'm going to ejaculate.
614
00:39:22,959 --> 00:39:25,621
I'm releasing my seminal fluids
inside of you now!
615
00:39:39,475 --> 00:39:41,375
Are you okay?
616
00:39:43,246 --> 00:39:44,679
Yeah. Why?
617
00:39:47,083 --> 00:39:48,846
Didn't you--
618
00:39:48,951 --> 00:39:50,851
It's kinda hard in 15 seconds.
619
00:39:51,821 --> 00:39:53,118
Damn it!
620
00:39:55,591 --> 00:39:58,321
You know the kind of pressure
I'm under with my exams.
621
00:40:00,162 --> 00:40:02,255
- I'm sorry.
- Look, I'm sorry.
622
00:40:02,365 --> 00:40:05,163
This semester's marks could determine
the next 10 years of our lives.
623
00:40:05,268 --> 00:40:07,168
Do you realize that?
624
00:40:09,038 --> 00:40:10,596
You know...
625
00:40:10,706 --> 00:40:13,800
you shouldn't take life
too seriously.
626
00:40:13,910 --> 00:40:15,810
You'll never get out alive.
627
00:40:20,182 --> 00:40:22,844
What the hell
is that supposed to mean?
628
00:40:26,222 --> 00:40:28,816
I'm late for my study group.
629
00:40:37,466 --> 00:40:40,196
She was getting awfully chummy
with the rectal itch.
630
00:40:40,303 --> 00:40:42,863
Son of a bitch.
Disappear!
631
00:40:42,972 --> 00:40:44,872
Yes, superior leader, sir.
632
00:40:48,477 --> 00:40:50,775
It's time to excise
that cancerous lump.
633
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:54,043
Forget him. Let's crap in the chapter
room and make the pledges clean it up.
634
00:40:54,150 --> 00:40:56,710
- It'll be fun.
- I wish I could, Gordo.
635
00:40:56,819 --> 00:40:59,219
I got dinner
at Gwen's parents' house.
636
00:40:59,322 --> 00:41:01,483
Sounds special.
Is Wilder gonna be there?
637
00:41:02,792 --> 00:41:05,056
Hey, guys. Hey, Richard.
638
00:41:05,161 --> 00:41:07,061
Is there anything
I can do for you today?
639
00:41:12,735 --> 00:41:14,464
Dear Van--
640
00:41:19,775 --> 00:41:21,902
Here you go, Taj.
Get your rave on, man.
641
00:41:22,011 --> 00:41:23,308
- Thanks.
- You got it.
642
00:41:23,412 --> 00:41:27,473
"See you tonight. Gwen."
The invite to the parents' house.
643
00:41:27,583 --> 00:41:30,484
This is big.
This is very, very big.
644
00:41:30,586 --> 00:41:32,577
- Doesn't she have a boyfriend?
- Details.
645
00:41:32,688 --> 00:41:34,883
I'm off.
Taj, you're in charge.
646
00:41:34,991 --> 00:41:37,755
I do not think I'm capable
of handling such a responsibility.
647
00:41:37,860 --> 00:41:41,091
Listen to me. Do you know why
I chose you as my assistant?
648
00:41:41,197 --> 00:41:43,631
So you could teach me
how to muff dive?
649
00:41:44,467 --> 00:41:46,935
Well, yeah, but also...
650
00:41:47,036 --> 00:41:49,163
because you have the potential
to be great.
651
00:42:07,723 --> 00:42:09,782
- May I help you?
- Yeah, I'm Van--
652
00:42:10,893 --> 00:42:12,793
You made it.
653
00:42:12,895 --> 00:42:15,523
Evelyn, this is one of your daughter's
acquaintances from school.
654
00:42:15,631 --> 00:42:17,326
There's room for one more?
655
00:42:17,433 --> 00:42:20,129
By all means.
Come in, please.
656
00:42:23,272 --> 00:42:26,901
Definitely be out of the question
unless they all agreed with us...
657
00:42:27,009 --> 00:42:29,603
and we talked it over.
658
00:42:31,514 --> 00:42:32,674
Excuse me, gentlemen.
659
00:42:33,783 --> 00:42:36,377
Excuse me, gentlemen.
660
00:42:36,485 --> 00:42:39,215
Van, this is Dr. Henke,
proctologist.
661
00:42:39,321 --> 00:42:43,155
Oh, well, holy crap.
I hope you're not on call tonight.
662
00:42:44,427 --> 00:42:46,486
Dr. Beaverman, OB-GYN.
663
00:42:46,595 --> 00:42:48,927
Van Wilder,
G-L-A-D to meet you.
664
00:42:50,566 --> 00:42:52,056
And of course, Gwen's father.
665
00:42:52,168 --> 00:42:54,159
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
666
00:42:54,270 --> 00:42:55,999
Dr. Pearson?
667
00:42:56,105 --> 00:42:58,539
- Indeed.
- Indeed. Super.
668
00:42:58,641 --> 00:43:02,236
All right.
So... am I here for a physical?
669
00:43:02,344 --> 00:43:05,871
'Cause I'm gonna need a few cocktails
before I start coughing for you fellas.
670
00:43:13,355 --> 00:43:16,791
- What are you doing here?
- I don't know.
671
00:43:16,892 --> 00:43:18,655
No, thank you.
672
00:43:18,761 --> 00:43:21,457
Mr. Wilder here
is quite the collegian.
673
00:43:21,564 --> 00:43:23,794
He's in his, what, 6th year?
674
00:43:23,899 --> 00:43:25,799
Lucky number 7, actually.
675
00:43:27,269 --> 00:43:29,703
- What are you studying, son?
- I dabble in a bit of everything.
676
00:43:29,805 --> 00:43:32,899
I've tried to experience
all that Coolidge has to offer.
677
00:43:33,008 --> 00:43:34,908
Surely you have a career in mind.
678
00:43:35,911 --> 00:43:37,538
Not really.
679
00:43:37,646 --> 00:43:39,773
I'm still looking for that
dare-to-be-great situation.
680
00:43:39,882 --> 00:43:43,147
Maybe you should start looking for
that dare-to-be-employed situation.
681
00:43:43,252 --> 00:43:45,345
The student body
finds Van so intriguing...
682
00:43:45,454 --> 00:43:47,820
that my editor has asked me
to do an expos� on him...
683
00:43:47,923 --> 00:43:49,390
for the school newspaper.
684
00:43:49,492 --> 00:43:51,619
Isn't that wonderful?
685
00:43:51,727 --> 00:43:54,195
- That will be quite the page-turner.
- It'll be a very well-written article.
686
00:43:54,296 --> 00:43:56,628
Gwen is an extremely gifted
journalist.
687
00:43:56,732 --> 00:43:59,223
Are you and Richard
in the same fraternity?
688
00:43:59,335 --> 00:44:00,825
Oh, no.
689
00:44:00,936 --> 00:44:04,565
Van isn't exactly
Delta Iota Kappa material.
690
00:44:04,673 --> 00:44:08,006
Richard, you rascal, you never
told me that you were a DIK.
691
00:44:09,345 --> 00:44:11,313
Not that you had to.
692
00:44:12,148 --> 00:44:14,241
I'm gonna go get
another bottle of champagne.
693
00:44:14,350 --> 00:44:16,580
- Richard, will you help me open it?
- Sure.
694
00:44:22,858 --> 00:44:24,257
Wow.
695
00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:26,851
If he's here,
who's running Hell?
696
00:44:28,864 --> 00:44:31,492
- What are you doing out there?
- Proving a point.
697
00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:35,001
Your friend doesn't fit in.
He's a virus, and I'm the vaccine.
698
00:44:35,104 --> 00:44:37,902
- I can't believe you're doing this.
- Pop quiz. True or false.
699
00:44:38,007 --> 00:44:41,704
You and that GDI have been spending
an inordinate amount of time together.
700
00:44:41,810 --> 00:44:44,005
True. Now here's a multiple choice
question for you.
701
00:44:44,113 --> 00:44:47,139
You're A, an asshole; B, an asshole
who isn't staying at my place tonight...
702
00:44:47,249 --> 00:44:49,945
- or C, all the above?
- What's B again?
703
00:44:50,052 --> 00:44:53,510
Gwenny, I'm kidding.
I apologize.
704
00:44:53,622 --> 00:44:56,284
- Gwenny, where are you going?
- To go save Van.
705
00:44:56,392 --> 00:44:59,520
God only knows what my parents and
their stuck-up friends are doing to him.
706
00:45:07,403 --> 00:45:09,530
Okay! All right!
707
00:45:09,638 --> 00:45:12,630
You're a natural, Dr. P.
Hey, what are you looking at?
708
00:45:12,741 --> 00:45:15,710
- Henke, you're up. Come on.
- All right.
709
00:45:17,246 --> 00:45:19,544
Easy, sailor.
710
00:45:42,871 --> 00:45:46,102
All right, Wilder, let's dance.
711
00:45:46,208 --> 00:45:48,039
It's a good day to die, McDoogle.
712
00:45:49,945 --> 00:45:51,970
Oh, yes.
713
00:46:15,804 --> 00:46:17,772
Jesus! Criminy!
714
00:46:17,873 --> 00:46:20,706
What happened to you, Wilder?
Don't think I don't remember.
715
00:46:20,809 --> 00:46:22,970
You got an A
in my freshman economics class.
716
00:46:23,078 --> 00:46:24,978
You remember one thing--
717
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:28,140
Apathy is the glove
into which evil slips its hand.
718
00:46:28,250 --> 00:46:30,150
I'll write that down.
719
00:46:30,252 --> 00:46:32,812
You do that.
You're not fooling anybody!
720
00:46:32,921 --> 00:46:34,946
You're only fooling yourself!.
721
00:46:43,866 --> 00:46:47,233
- Why don't you walk?
- I think I'll walk from here.
722
00:46:50,105 --> 00:46:53,165
Are you stalking me?
Because that would be super.
723
00:46:53,275 --> 00:46:56,176
My mom did want me to invite you
to her Tupperware party next week.
724
00:46:57,279 --> 00:46:59,076
Was that a--
725
00:46:59,181 --> 00:47:00,808
Judges' ruling.
726
00:47:00,916 --> 00:47:04,079
Uh-huh. Yeah.
I do believe that was a joke.
727
00:47:09,525 --> 00:47:12,551
I want to apologize for what
Richard did the other night.
728
00:47:12,661 --> 00:47:15,425
It was a really immature stunt.
729
00:47:15,531 --> 00:47:17,829
Yeah, I know...
730
00:47:17,933 --> 00:47:20,925
but sometimes guys can do
some pretty childish things.
731
00:47:25,007 --> 00:47:26,634
Let us proceed.
732
00:48:02,144 --> 00:48:05,079
- Is he ready?
- Ah, yeah, he's ready.
733
00:48:05,180 --> 00:48:06,579
It's go time.
734
00:48:17,559 --> 00:48:19,254
Such a good boy.
735
00:48:19,361 --> 00:48:22,660
Oh, stop for a second.
Stop.
736
00:48:23,932 --> 00:48:25,422
Okay. Keep going.
737
00:48:36,011 --> 00:48:38,002
For the love of God.
738
00:48:38,113 --> 00:48:39,512
Smile, buddy.
739
00:48:46,221 --> 00:48:47,688
Lovely.
740
00:48:47,790 --> 00:48:50,054
It's all about presentation,
gentlemen.
741
00:48:58,033 --> 00:49:00,934
Well, I'll be damned!
742
00:49:01,036 --> 00:49:03,231
Poor guy just needed
a little TLC.
743
00:49:09,511 --> 00:49:12,344
I got it, guys.
No problem whatsoever.
744
00:49:15,117 --> 00:49:17,517
Let the damn baby
have his ball back.
745
00:49:20,456 --> 00:49:22,356
Thank you, brothers.
746
00:49:24,226 --> 00:49:27,024
It's not like he can see
out of it anyway.
747
00:49:27,129 --> 00:49:28,494
Loser.
748
00:49:34,369 --> 00:49:36,269
Awesome work, sisters.
749
00:49:40,576 --> 00:49:41,941
Special delivery!
750
00:49:43,445 --> 00:49:46,471
- Time out.
- What the fuck, Jeannie?
751
00:49:46,582 --> 00:49:49,949
"From the sisters of Sigma Theta Tau."
Dig in, guys.
752
00:49:56,325 --> 00:49:58,555
Oh, they're still warm.
753
00:50:02,164 --> 00:50:04,428
- So creamy.
- They're awesome.
754
00:50:10,405 --> 00:50:12,805
Oh, they're so creamy.
755
00:50:14,409 --> 00:50:16,468
God, these are excellent.
756
00:50:17,579 --> 00:50:19,274
Guys? Richard?
757
00:50:23,519 --> 00:50:25,749
Think I've had these before.
758
00:50:33,195 --> 00:50:34,492
Oh, my God!
759
00:50:39,001 --> 00:50:41,094
I love this song.
760
00:50:41,203 --> 00:50:43,068
I know.
761
00:50:43,171 --> 00:50:45,833
It is the White Barry.
762
00:50:49,611 --> 00:50:51,340
Is that for me?
763
00:50:51,446 --> 00:50:53,380
I long to rub you the right way.
764
00:50:53,482 --> 00:50:57,111
You're such a bad
little Badalandabad.
765
00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:06,027
No harm, no foul.
766
00:51:09,965 --> 00:51:13,526
- Are you all right?
- Never better, my jasmine flower.
767
00:51:32,287 --> 00:51:34,221
That feels so good.
768
00:51:39,728 --> 00:51:42,322
Oh, my God.
769
00:51:46,735 --> 00:51:48,464
Take me.
770
00:51:48,570 --> 00:51:50,435
I want you now.
771
00:51:50,539 --> 00:51:52,302
Now!
772
00:51:52,407 --> 00:51:54,341
Shit!
773
00:51:55,377 --> 00:51:56,605
Don't tease me.
774
00:52:07,022 --> 00:52:09,923
This is the culmination
of my being.
775
00:52:10,025 --> 00:52:13,552
Baby, I'm about to culminate.
Now, get over here.
776
00:52:14,830 --> 00:52:16,661
Tajy, I'm so hot.
777
00:52:16,765 --> 00:52:19,563
- I feel on fire.
- Oh, yeah, me too, baby.
778
00:52:19,668 --> 00:52:22,034
- Burning up.
- Oh, yeah, baby, I'm burning up.
779
00:52:22,137 --> 00:52:24,435
You are most amazing
to make me feel so...
780
00:52:25,273 --> 00:52:27,571
damn hot!
781
00:52:32,381 --> 00:52:34,849
I wonder how T-Bad's date's going.
782
00:52:34,950 --> 00:52:38,909
Scented candles,
massage oils, Barry White.
783
00:52:39,021 --> 00:52:41,956
Yeah, we can't be too far
from climax, huh?
784
00:53:02,144 --> 00:53:05,602
- Why do I always fail?
- You put too much pressure on yourself.
785
00:53:05,714 --> 00:53:08,046
Don't worry about the money.
I'll figure something out.
786
00:53:08,150 --> 00:53:09,549
More importantly...
787
00:53:11,119 --> 00:53:13,883
when the time is right...
788
00:53:13,989 --> 00:53:15,149
it'll happen.
789
00:53:15,257 --> 00:53:17,157
You'll find the one.
790
00:53:33,608 --> 00:53:36,168
I need to see the grade transcripts
for Van Wilder, please.
791
00:53:36,278 --> 00:53:38,178
I don't think so.
792
00:53:38,280 --> 00:53:41,477
Student transcripts
are confidential. Sorry.
793
00:54:14,983 --> 00:54:17,008
Swim team really does
need your love, folks.
794
00:54:17,786 --> 00:54:22,018
And if Milty Mingleton
can shove himself...
795
00:54:22,124 --> 00:54:24,615
into that weenie bikini...
796
00:54:28,497 --> 00:54:31,989
then you don't need to be shy
about making your donations now!
797
00:55:09,504 --> 00:55:12,064
Thank you, Milty!
798
00:55:14,776 --> 00:55:17,404
After we put all the water
back in the pool...
799
00:55:17,512 --> 00:55:20,106
we'll be accepting donations
in the form of...
800
00:55:20,215 --> 00:55:22,547
cash, Visa
and full-frontal nudity.
801
00:55:22,651 --> 00:55:24,118
Hutch, take over.
802
00:55:26,454 --> 00:55:29,821
That's right, folks.
Save the swim team.
803
00:55:31,726 --> 00:55:34,160
Bikini-clad judges for a fund-raiser?
That's pretty ingenious.
804
00:55:34,262 --> 00:55:36,822
Sex sells, Gwen. Sex sells.
805
00:55:36,932 --> 00:55:39,765
It's not too late for you to enter
the doubles breaststroke if you like.
806
00:55:39,868 --> 00:55:42,496
No, thanks.
I forgot my suit.
807
00:55:42,604 --> 00:55:44,731
I just came across a bit
of interesting information.
808
00:55:44,840 --> 00:55:46,364
All right, look.
809
00:55:46,474 --> 00:55:49,637
The vet assured me that canine semen
is perfectly healthy.
810
00:55:49,744 --> 00:55:51,439
In fact, surprisingly rich--
811
00:55:51,546 --> 00:55:54,481
You've been 18 units shy of graduating
for the past 6 semesters.
812
00:55:58,486 --> 00:56:02,445
Whoa. You went klepto
on my transcripts.
813
00:56:02,557 --> 00:56:04,525
What's going on with you?
814
00:56:04,626 --> 00:56:06,821
You're actively trying
not to get out of here.
815
00:56:06,928 --> 00:56:11,388
Why are you doing this? Do you ever
stop playing the in-depth reporter?
816
00:56:11,499 --> 00:56:14,559
I just want to know why
you're putting off your life.
817
00:56:14,669 --> 00:56:17,661
Not for the paper.
For me.
818
00:56:17,772 --> 00:56:19,535
I have no comment...
819
00:56:21,276 --> 00:56:23,176
for either of you.
820
00:56:57,045 --> 00:56:59,912
External occipital protuberance.
821
00:57:01,283 --> 00:57:04,446
Posterior gluteal line.
822
00:57:07,622 --> 00:57:09,852
Dorsal appendage. Gwen.
823
00:57:09,958 --> 00:57:12,620
- Was the last one right?
- Yeah, that's right.
824
00:57:12,727 --> 00:57:16,219
Wrong! The dorsal appendage exists
only in marine-equipped mammalia.
825
00:57:16,331 --> 00:57:17,958
I knew you weren't listening.
826
00:57:18,066 --> 00:57:20,398
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing. I'm fine.
827
00:57:20,502 --> 00:57:23,062
Let's get out of here,
go grab a beer.
828
00:57:23,872 --> 00:57:27,035
Are you insane?
You know my midterm and finals ritual.
829
00:57:27,142 --> 00:57:29,975
I study till 11:00.
9 solid hours of sleep.
830
00:57:30,078 --> 00:57:33,206
Protein shake in the morning.
Okay, very cute.
831
00:57:33,315 --> 00:57:35,408
And also correct.
832
00:57:35,517 --> 00:57:38,247
Which gives us 2 hours
and 53 minutes of study time.
833
00:57:38,353 --> 00:57:41,379
So, honey, please focus.
All righty?
834
00:57:45,760 --> 00:57:48,092
I have confirmations
from the African-American Club...
835
00:57:48,196 --> 00:57:50,391
the Gay and Lesbian Caucus,
MECCA, HEPA, PETA.
836
00:57:50,498 --> 00:57:53,160
This multi-coalition party
was a masterful plan.
837
00:57:53,268 --> 00:57:55,930
It should triple our income.
I just hope it's enough.
838
00:57:56,037 --> 00:57:58,301
Van, you must listen to me.
839
00:57:58,406 --> 00:58:01,500
We are merely one party away
from accomplishing our goal.
840
00:58:01,609 --> 00:58:03,099
What if she's right, huh?
841
00:58:03,211 --> 00:58:05,941
What if I'm avoiding graduation
because I'm scared?
842
00:58:06,047 --> 00:58:07,776
Listen to yourself, meathead.
843
00:58:07,882 --> 00:58:10,407
You've never doubted yourself
in your whole life.
844
00:58:10,518 --> 00:58:12,850
This girl's got you thinking, man.
It's not good.
845
00:58:14,022 --> 00:58:16,923
- Not good at all.
- Hey, you!
846
00:58:17,025 --> 00:58:19,789
Please move banner
a skosh higher, huh?
847
00:58:21,363 --> 00:58:23,923
You got all this.
I'm gonna go--
848
00:58:24,032 --> 00:58:26,296
I'm gonna go make some calls
for the party, okay?
849
00:58:30,372 --> 00:58:32,806
- Hi, Van.
- Hi, Donna.
850
00:58:32,907 --> 00:58:35,137
Hey, guys.
851
00:58:37,445 --> 00:58:40,437
- What are you doing in here?
- I had to talk to you.
852
00:58:40,548 --> 00:58:43,278
I thought a lot about
what you said, and--
853
00:58:44,419 --> 00:58:46,546
Well, just--
854
00:58:46,654 --> 00:58:48,622
just take a look at this.
855
00:58:48,723 --> 00:58:51,089
Yeah. Doodles.
856
00:58:51,192 --> 00:58:54,320
I attended class today.
Just about stayed the whole time too.
857
00:58:54,429 --> 00:58:56,556
I'm glad you went
to all your classes today.
858
00:58:56,664 --> 00:58:58,564
And a few that weren't mine.
Stepped into the wrong one.
859
00:58:58,666 --> 00:59:00,759
Liked what I heard, stayed.
860
00:59:00,869 --> 00:59:03,235
That's great. It really is.
861
00:59:04,172 --> 00:59:07,107
It really is.
But don't do it for me.
862
00:59:08,610 --> 00:59:09,838
Do it for you.
863
00:59:09,944 --> 00:59:12,777
Maybe I'm doing it
for both of us.
864
00:59:14,249 --> 00:59:18,185
I shouldn't even
be talking to you like this.
865
00:59:18,286 --> 00:59:20,652
And I shouldn't be
in the women's locker room!
866
00:59:20,755 --> 00:59:24,247
But sometimes you gotta let
your heart lead you...
867
00:59:24,359 --> 00:59:27,954
even if you know it's someplace
you know you're not supposed to be.
868
00:59:29,197 --> 00:59:31,665
How often does your heart lead you
into the women's locker room?
869
00:59:34,369 --> 00:59:37,600
- This would be a first.
- Why do I find that hard to believe?
870
00:59:37,705 --> 00:59:39,605
I'm not saying I've never
been in here before.
871
00:59:39,707 --> 00:59:42,335
I'm saying it's usually a different part
of my anatomy that does the leading.
872
00:59:42,444 --> 00:59:44,435
Oh, my God.
873
00:59:48,116 --> 00:59:51,574
I just couldn't believe it.
Gwen and Van in the women's locker room.
874
00:59:51,686 --> 00:59:55,452
I mean, I just couldn't believe it.
So anyway, let me tell you something.
875
01:00:06,067 --> 01:00:09,662
I'm sorry, fellas.
The bakery's closed.
876
01:00:12,073 --> 01:00:14,473
- I'm here to enlist your services.
- Let me guess.
877
01:00:14,576 --> 01:00:17,238
"Come as your favorite drunk-on-jis,
come-gargling frat boy party"?
878
01:00:17,345 --> 01:00:19,540
Then your mom can come.
879
01:00:21,316 --> 01:00:23,580
It's gonna be a bachelor party.
880
01:00:23,685 --> 01:00:25,915
One last night of debauchery
with the fellas...
881
01:00:26,020 --> 01:00:29,012
before settling down
with my fiancee, Gwen.
882
01:00:30,125 --> 01:00:33,720
Oh, please, you didn't think she'd
be interested in a fuckup like you?
883
01:00:46,941 --> 01:00:49,171
That ought to be enough
to get you started.
884
01:01:07,962 --> 01:01:09,327
Hello?
885
01:01:09,430 --> 01:01:11,364
Casey.
I'm just using Gwen's computer.
886
01:01:11,466 --> 01:01:13,457
Is Gwen there?
I need to talk to her.
887
01:01:13,568 --> 01:01:16,799
She's at Richard's getting ready for
the engagement dinner tonight. Message?
888
01:01:16,905 --> 01:01:19,135
Nope. That's all right.
889
01:01:27,015 --> 01:01:29,415
Bye. Thanks for coming.
890
01:01:29,517 --> 01:01:32,111
Lindsey and Rob make such
a great couple, don't you think?
891
01:01:32,220 --> 01:01:34,120
Yeah, I'm happy for them.
892
01:01:34,222 --> 01:01:36,986
They're gonna make a great
married couple too. You know why?
893
01:01:37,091 --> 01:01:38,991
Because they love each other?
894
01:01:39,093 --> 01:01:40,993
Because they're compatible.
895
01:01:42,764 --> 01:01:45,927
Like a heart transplant patient finding
a donor with the same blood type...
896
01:01:46,034 --> 01:01:48,229
and just the right
chromosomal anomalies.
897
01:01:48,336 --> 01:01:51,169
A perfect match,
connected forever.
898
01:01:52,473 --> 01:01:55,101
But that would mean
one of them would have to be dead.
899
01:01:56,277 --> 01:01:59,405
Gwenny, I'm just saying
that they're a match.
900
01:01:59,514 --> 01:02:01,744
Just like you and me.
901
01:02:07,288 --> 01:02:08,778
Lucky girl.
902
01:02:09,958 --> 01:02:11,448
Gwendolyn Elizabeth Pearson...
903
01:02:11,559 --> 01:02:15,495
I'd be honored if you and I
surgically and spiritually...
904
01:02:15,597 --> 01:02:18,225
grafted our lives together.
905
01:02:18,333 --> 01:02:21,200
Richard,
I don't know what to say.
906
01:02:21,302 --> 01:02:25,261
Just say yes, because
I've got even more amazing news.
907
01:02:25,373 --> 01:02:27,603
Northwestern called this morning.
They wanna interview me.
908
01:02:27,709 --> 01:02:30,371
They're gonna send some recruit alums
to campus for written and oral exams.
909
01:02:30,478 --> 01:02:33,345
And then I am in!
910
01:02:33,448 --> 01:02:35,712
Oh, man, Northwestern.
911
01:02:35,817 --> 01:02:39,116
That's great.
I'm so happy for you, Richard.
912
01:02:39,220 --> 01:02:44,283
Be happy for both of us. The Richard
and Gwen life plan is kicking in.
913
01:02:44,959 --> 01:02:46,859
Northwestern.
I am the shit.
914
01:02:48,062 --> 01:02:51,623
Your father wants to get us a place in
Forest Grove as an engagement present.
915
01:02:51,733 --> 01:02:54,463
- My parents know about this?
- Yeah, I told everyone.
916
01:02:56,904 --> 01:02:59,372
Where are you going?
917
01:02:59,474 --> 01:03:02,034
I'm not sure,
and for some reason...
918
01:03:02,143 --> 01:03:04,668
I feel really good
about that.
919
01:03:08,916 --> 01:03:10,816
I can't hold on
920
01:03:11,986 --> 01:03:14,011
There's no easy way
921
01:03:14,122 --> 01:03:16,556
Hey, Van, can I borrow--
922
01:03:16,658 --> 01:03:18,558
My God, what happened to you?
923
01:03:19,827 --> 01:03:23,024
- I got hit by a big truck.
- Are you okay?
924
01:03:23,131 --> 01:03:24,894
I'm all out of love
925
01:03:24,999 --> 01:03:27,331
I'm so lost without you
926
01:03:27,435 --> 01:03:29,767
I know you were right
927
01:03:29,871 --> 01:03:32,431
Believing for so long
928
01:03:36,544 --> 01:03:40,036
Dope song.
What's it called?
929
01:03:40,148 --> 01:03:42,514
"Gwen Used Me For Her Story,
Then Married an Ass Wipe...
930
01:03:42,617 --> 01:03:46,109
and Ran Over My Heart
With a Big Metaphorical Truck."
931
01:03:46,220 --> 01:03:48,415
Originally performed
by Air Supply.
932
01:03:48,523 --> 01:03:50,582
Who's Air Supply?
933
01:03:50,692 --> 01:03:52,751
How old are you, Sally?
934
01:03:54,295 --> 01:03:56,695
I'm old enough to be jealous
of that Gwen girl.
935
01:04:04,939 --> 01:04:06,839
Okay, you can do this.
936
01:04:11,713 --> 01:04:13,271
I'm all out of love
937
01:04:13,381 --> 01:04:16,043
I'm so lost without you
938
01:04:16,150 --> 01:04:19,449
I know you were right
believing for so long
939
01:04:19,554 --> 01:04:22,955
You must be Gwen--
the truck driver.
940
01:04:25,159 --> 01:04:27,059
Hey. Excuse me.
Gwen!
941
01:04:28,896 --> 01:04:31,296
Hey, hold up a second.
What are you doing here?
942
01:04:31,399 --> 01:04:34,061
What am I doing here?
What were you doing in there?
943
01:04:34,168 --> 01:04:37,797
As smashed as I am, I'm pretty sure
that's my room, wasn't it?
944
01:04:37,905 --> 01:04:40,601
What was that girl,
a freshman?
945
01:04:40,708 --> 01:04:43,233
She reads at a sophomore level.
946
01:04:43,344 --> 01:04:45,676
This was a big mistake, Van.
I'm leaving.
947
01:04:45,780 --> 01:04:49,181
Why are you here? Did you come to
hire me to do your bachelorette party?
948
01:04:49,283 --> 01:04:53,117
'Cause your party pimp has already
been booked by your fiance.
949
01:04:53,221 --> 01:04:56,782
- My fiance? What are you talking about?
- When are you two tying the knot?
950
01:04:56,891 --> 01:04:59,155
Seriously, I'd really
like to hold that date open.
951
01:04:59,260 --> 01:05:02,252
That is none of your business.
And you know what?
952
01:05:02,363 --> 01:05:04,126
You're none of mine.
953
01:05:10,705 --> 01:05:13,833
Sounds to me like your rectal itch
was getting a late-night booty scratch.
954
01:05:13,941 --> 01:05:18,708
First, my bitch turns down my proposal.
Then she runs into that loser's arms.
955
01:05:18,813 --> 01:05:21,179
Now I don't even know
where my bitch is.
956
01:05:21,282 --> 01:05:24,046
Wilder's got some big blowout tonight.
Maybe your bitch is gonna be there.
957
01:05:24,152 --> 01:05:26,416
You do not call her that, gonad!
958
01:05:26,521 --> 01:05:28,648
Hey, guys.
Just giving you all the 411.
959
01:05:28,756 --> 01:05:31,281
I'm a counselor for the Further
Leaders of America's overnighter.
960
01:05:31,392 --> 01:05:34,486
The bus doesn't leave for a few hours.
Is there anything I can do before I go?
961
01:05:34,595 --> 01:05:36,290
Anything at all?
962
01:05:37,098 --> 01:05:41,694
Okay, listen up. We've got
one quick stop off before we go.
963
01:05:41,803 --> 01:05:44,237
Tit wad!
964
01:05:46,073 --> 01:05:48,371
All right, thank you, man.
Enjoy yourself.
965
01:05:48,476 --> 01:05:50,535
All right, sister. Enjoy yourself.
Power to the people.
966
01:05:50,645 --> 01:05:52,408
- How you doing, my man?
- What's up?
967
01:05:53,915 --> 01:05:57,476
I hate to break this to you, Ming,
but you ain't Asian.
968
01:05:58,419 --> 01:06:00,819
Man, you ever heard
of Tiger Woods, bitch?
969
01:06:00,922 --> 01:06:03,857
You better get out of here before I hit
you upside the head with a three iron.
970
01:06:03,958 --> 01:06:06,950
What's wrong with you?
Enjoy yourself.
971
01:06:07,061 --> 01:06:10,155
- What's wrong, dog?
- Nothing. I don't feel like partying.
972
01:06:11,265 --> 01:06:12,732
That's a first.
973
01:06:12,834 --> 01:06:15,997
Hey, Van. I just wanted to come by
and extend an olive branch.
974
01:06:16,103 --> 01:06:19,869
- ID, please.
- It's a terrible picture of me, but--
975
01:06:19,974 --> 01:06:22,636
Well, I'll be the judge of--
976
01:06:22,743 --> 01:06:24,711
There's nothing fake
about this ID.
977
01:06:24,812 --> 01:06:27,440
Did you sit behind me
2 semesters ago?
978
01:06:27,548 --> 01:06:30,073
I think I remember this behind.
I mean, you sitting behind me.
979
01:06:30,184 --> 01:06:33,210
This whole rivalry thing
has become a tad childish.
980
01:06:33,321 --> 01:06:37,758
Well, I hope we can put it
all behind us and be friends.
981
01:06:37,859 --> 01:06:39,292
That's what Gwen wants.
982
01:06:39,393 --> 01:06:42,157
You have absolutely
no idea what Gwen wants.
983
01:06:44,031 --> 01:06:46,261
Say hi to your gerbil for me.
984
01:06:53,374 --> 01:06:54,739
Okay, kids.
985
01:06:54,842 --> 01:06:56,742
This is our Uncle Jager.
986
01:06:56,844 --> 01:06:59,642
That's right.
Drink up.
987
01:06:59,747 --> 01:07:02,511
This tastes like shit.
Do you have any scotch?
988
01:07:04,485 --> 01:07:06,817
Gotta go.
Sorry. Bye.
989
01:07:06,921 --> 01:07:08,821
Bye-bye. Call me.
990
01:07:08,923 --> 01:07:10,550
Gentlemen.
991
01:07:10,658 --> 01:07:12,489
Trooper.
992
01:07:12,593 --> 01:07:16,654
We got an anonymous tip that there's
some underage drinking going on here.
993
01:07:16,764 --> 01:07:17,924
Hutch?
994
01:07:18,032 --> 01:07:20,057
Hell no, man.
I've been at the door all night.
995
01:07:24,772 --> 01:07:27,070
Good enough for me.
Have fun, guys.
996
01:07:27,174 --> 01:07:29,699
All right, Trapper.
Stay cool.
997
01:07:30,945 --> 01:07:34,847
- I love you, man.
- No, man.
998
01:07:34,949 --> 01:07:36,678
I love you.
999
01:07:38,786 --> 01:07:42,085
Those circus midgets
cannot hold their booze!
1000
01:07:46,394 --> 01:07:49,261
Don't worry, Van.
We'll get you out, man.
1001
01:08:01,342 --> 01:08:04,607
Delta Iota Kappa rules!
1002
01:08:08,416 --> 01:08:11,317
Damn it, Gwen, pick it up.
I know you're there.
1003
01:08:11,419 --> 01:08:14,013
You know I have my Northwestern
interview next week.
1004
01:08:15,389 --> 01:08:19,257
Look, I need you
to help me "release"...
1005
01:08:19,360 --> 01:08:21,328
some pressure.
1006
01:08:21,429 --> 01:08:25,456
You know, help me "relax."
1007
01:08:25,566 --> 01:08:27,659
Just so we're clear,
I'm talking about intercourse.
1008
01:08:27,768 --> 01:08:29,531
I know you had
a fling with Wilder.
1009
01:08:29,637 --> 01:08:33,733
And it's okay. You just had
to get it out of your system.
1010
01:08:33,841 --> 01:08:36,503
I just hope
you used some protection.
1011
01:08:36,611 --> 01:08:39,205
And I wouldn't want
our future children to be tainted...
1012
01:08:39,313 --> 01:08:41,941
because Mommy went slumming
one night back in college.
1013
01:08:43,551 --> 01:08:46,520
Why don't you go "release"
your own pressure?
1014
01:08:46,621 --> 01:08:51,251
And just so we're clear,
I'm telling you to go fuck yourself!.
1015
01:08:55,429 --> 01:08:58,921
Hi, partner in crime. Is there anything
I can do for you today?
1016
01:08:59,033 --> 01:09:00,432
Oh, my God!
1017
01:09:00,534 --> 01:09:02,695
We make such the fab team!
1018
01:09:02,803 --> 01:09:06,830
Last night, I was so like Bonnie and
you were so like Clyde. And now this.
1019
01:09:06,941 --> 01:09:10,069
Would you shut up?
I'm trying to pleasure you.
1020
01:09:10,177 --> 01:09:12,338
Sorry, Richard.
Pleasure away.
1021
01:09:14,515 --> 01:09:17,746
- PS, this is an awesome room.
- PS, shut the fuck up!
1022
01:09:22,523 --> 01:09:25,219
Here, I'm done
with all of this.
1023
01:09:25,326 --> 01:09:28,625
- The Wilder story's not done.
- Read it before you criticize.
1024
01:09:28,729 --> 01:09:31,527
He got expelled today.
Is that in your story?
1025
01:09:31,632 --> 01:09:33,532
'Cause it should be.
1026
01:09:44,078 --> 01:09:47,047
- Is Van here?
- He don't wanna see you.
1027
01:09:47,148 --> 01:09:49,241
- Excuse me?
- Look.
1028
01:09:49,350 --> 01:09:52,410
- Why don't you just leave him alone?
- Home wrecker.
1029
01:10:32,460 --> 01:10:35,122
Oh, thank you!
Thank you!
1030
01:10:36,731 --> 01:10:38,961
Out of my way!
1031
01:10:44,538 --> 01:10:49,134
Stop packing! You can appeal the
expulsion. It's in the school charter.
1032
01:10:49,243 --> 01:10:53,179
"Any student may appeal an expulsion
before the university judicial board...
1033
01:10:53,280 --> 01:10:55,942
and state his or her case
within 48 hours of being discharged."
1034
01:10:57,184 --> 01:10:59,675
Do you want my hot tub,
or should I just give it to Milty?
1035
01:10:59,787 --> 01:11:01,448
We can get the law club to help.
1036
01:11:01,555 --> 01:11:03,955
They owe you after the
"Sue Me, Screw Me" soiree you threw.
1037
01:11:04,058 --> 01:11:07,050
Thank you. I appreciate it.
I'm really not interested.
1038
01:11:07,161 --> 01:11:10,528
- You're not hearing me--
- It's over, Taj!
1039
01:11:13,434 --> 01:11:15,664
Fuck you, Van Wilder!
1040
01:11:17,905 --> 01:11:19,873
You heard me.
I say-- I say...
1041
01:11:19,974 --> 01:11:22,169
fuck you, you-you-you--
1042
01:11:22,276 --> 01:11:24,335
you--you--
1043
01:11:24,445 --> 01:11:26,572
you pussy ass motherfucker!
1044
01:11:26,680 --> 01:11:28,545
You-- You dicksucker!
1045
01:11:28,649 --> 01:11:30,583
Don't sugar coat it, Taj.
1046
01:11:30,684 --> 01:11:33,380
Tell me how you really feel.
7 years.
1047
01:11:34,989 --> 01:11:37,617
7 years!
I've accomplished nothing!
1048
01:11:37,725 --> 01:11:39,625
There's no reason
to stay here anymore!
1049
01:11:39,727 --> 01:11:41,558
Sure, sure.
You've made tons of friends...
1050
01:11:41,662 --> 01:11:45,530
who in the drop of a rupee do anything
for you, and that doesn't mean much?
1051
01:11:45,633 --> 01:11:48,568
Who cares about Sick Boy
and the charities you've helped...
1052
01:11:48,669 --> 01:11:51,570
and all of our athletics--
those are all so minuscule?
1053
01:11:51,672 --> 01:11:53,333
And I guess so is a promise...
1054
01:11:53,440 --> 01:11:56,841
made to a wet-behind-the-ears kid
from India whose only dream...
1055
01:11:56,944 --> 01:12:00,004
was to bury his face
in a beautiful woman's lotus patch.
1056
01:12:01,282 --> 01:12:04,115
You have shown me a life
I could only dream about...
1057
01:12:04,218 --> 01:12:06,846
back home while masturbating
in my father's woodshed.
1058
01:12:07,955 --> 01:12:10,753
Most importantly,
you saw potential...
1059
01:12:13,527 --> 01:12:15,051
in me.
1060
01:12:16,063 --> 01:12:19,760
If you do not see potential in yourself,
then you are a blind man.
1061
01:12:21,769 --> 01:12:23,134
I'm leaving.
1062
01:12:23,237 --> 01:12:25,705
Then leave.
But leave the honorable way.
1063
01:12:26,841 --> 01:12:30,140
You've been looking for
that dare-to-be-great situation.
1064
01:12:30,244 --> 01:12:32,644
It is at your doorstep.
1065
01:12:36,617 --> 01:12:37,982
We need to talk.
1066
01:12:50,664 --> 01:12:52,063
Get me the law club.
1067
01:13:05,713 --> 01:13:07,908
It's ridiculous!
It's preposterous!
1068
01:13:08,015 --> 01:13:10,483
It's ludicrous!
By God, it's impetuous!
1069
01:13:10,584 --> 01:13:13,576
- So does that mean you gonna help us?
- Oh, it's on.
1070
01:13:34,942 --> 01:13:37,706
Let Van stay! Let Van stay!
1071
01:13:37,811 --> 01:13:40,541
Let Van stay! Let Van stay!
1072
01:13:42,516 --> 01:13:45,542
We are now in session.
Mr. Wilder.
1073
01:13:45,653 --> 01:13:50,784
You were found in violation of Article
2, Section B of Coolidge's bylaws--
1074
01:13:50,891 --> 01:13:53,223
soliciting of alcohol
to extreme minors...
1075
01:13:53,327 --> 01:13:56,455
which is grounds
for immediate expulsion.
1076
01:13:56,563 --> 01:13:58,690
You have opted to appeal.
1077
01:13:58,799 --> 01:14:00,164
The floor is yours.
1078
01:14:03,070 --> 01:14:04,469
Ladies and gentlemen...
1079
01:14:10,110 --> 01:14:11,805
as you know...
1080
01:14:11,912 --> 01:14:14,813
I've been a student here
for 7 years, and I've--
1081
01:14:14,915 --> 01:14:17,645
Let Van stay!
Let Van stay!
1082
01:14:23,791 --> 01:14:25,986
Order! Order!
Settle down, everyone.
1083
01:14:27,294 --> 01:14:30,730
- Continue, Mr. Wilder.
- I'm okay.
1084
01:14:30,831 --> 01:14:33,823
I've learned a lot here
at Coolidge.
1085
01:14:33,934 --> 01:14:37,028
Let the record show that...
1086
01:14:37,137 --> 01:14:38,832
when I attended class...
1087
01:14:38,939 --> 01:14:41,931
I did receive exemplary marks.
1088
01:14:42,042 --> 01:14:45,944
However, it was only when I met
a special someone...
1089
01:14:48,449 --> 01:14:50,849
that I realized
what I was doing--
1090
01:14:50,951 --> 01:14:53,283
hiding.
1091
01:14:53,387 --> 01:14:56,720
See, after this is real life,
and I wasn't ready for that.
1092
01:14:56,824 --> 01:14:58,724
I don't know why exactly.
1093
01:14:58,826 --> 01:15:01,090
I do know that I don't wanna
end up like my father...
1094
01:15:01,195 --> 01:15:03,095
whose whole life
revolves around work.
1095
01:15:03,197 --> 01:15:05,256
But I see that now.
1096
01:15:05,366 --> 01:15:09,530
And I'm ready to move on.
1097
01:15:09,636 --> 01:15:12,196
Well, that's that. Good luck, loser.
Who's ready for lunch?
1098
01:15:12,306 --> 01:15:15,036
- Mr. Bagg, you will be quiet.
- What's any of this got to do with...
1099
01:15:15,142 --> 01:15:18,600
that he's guilty of an infraction
that deserves expulsion?
1100
01:15:18,712 --> 01:15:20,145
Mr. Wilder.
1101
01:15:25,986 --> 01:15:28,250
I can't argue
against the infraction.
1102
01:15:28,355 --> 01:15:31,654
I was responsible for that party,
so what happened was my fault.
1103
01:15:31,759 --> 01:15:34,057
I'm here to lay myself
at the mercy of this court...
1104
01:15:34,161 --> 01:15:36,994
and suggest an alternative punishment.
1105
01:15:37,097 --> 01:15:38,758
Make me graduate.
1106
01:15:38,866 --> 01:15:41,232
If you'll kindly take
a look at my transcripts...
1107
01:15:41,335 --> 01:15:44,930
you'll see I'm 18 units from graduating
with a leisure studies degree.
1108
01:15:45,039 --> 01:15:48,167
I am pleading to this committee,
reinstate me.
1109
01:15:48,275 --> 01:15:50,641
Let me audit my last 6 classes,
take the finals...
1110
01:15:50,744 --> 01:15:52,974
and leave Coolidge with a degree.
1111
01:15:57,484 --> 01:16:01,818
God, I've bled...
1112
01:16:01,922 --> 01:16:05,289
crimson and blue
for nearly a decade.
1113
01:16:05,392 --> 01:16:09,192
This school has given me so much.
Let me repay Coolidge...
1114
01:16:09,296 --> 01:16:12,163
by parting ways as a graduate.
1115
01:16:23,310 --> 01:16:25,642
What are the courses
Mr. Wilder needs in order to graduate?
1116
01:16:25,746 --> 01:16:28,544
Biology, English Lit,
Calculus, Economics...
1117
01:16:28,649 --> 01:16:30,947
- Sociology and Political Science.
- Wow.
1118
01:16:31,051 --> 01:16:34,452
- That's quite a load.
- Well, Van can handle quite a load.
1119
01:16:36,657 --> 01:16:40,457
If we expel him, there could be
some sort of a coup d'�tat.
1120
01:16:40,561 --> 01:16:43,121
He broke a rule.
He should pay the consequences.
1121
01:16:43,230 --> 01:16:44,629
Well, let's take a vote.
1122
01:16:44,731 --> 01:16:46,824
There's 5 of us here.
Majority rules.
1123
01:16:47,801 --> 01:16:49,029
I vote reinstatement.
1124
01:16:49,136 --> 01:16:51,900
- Mr. Bagg?
- Expulsion.
1125
01:16:52,005 --> 01:16:53,973
Miss Haver?
1126
01:16:54,074 --> 01:16:55,200
Reinstatement...
1127
01:16:55,309 --> 01:16:57,243
over and over.
1128
01:16:57,344 --> 01:16:59,869
Okay. Mrs. Seay?
1129
01:16:59,980 --> 01:17:01,038
Expulsion.
1130
01:17:01,148 --> 01:17:03,309
Professor McDoogle?
1131
01:17:03,417 --> 01:17:06,045
You know, I've waited a long, long time
for this day to come.
1132
01:17:06,153 --> 01:17:07,643
Either way...
1133
01:17:07,754 --> 01:17:10,484
Van Wilder's tenure here
at Coolidge is over.
1134
01:17:15,429 --> 01:17:17,329
Let's see what
the kid's made of.
1135
01:17:18,699 --> 01:17:20,564
He's in! He's in!
1136
01:17:31,645 --> 01:17:33,909
- Hey, Jeannie.
- Look.
1137
01:17:34,014 --> 01:17:36,847
I just wanted to explain about
the whole, you know, Richard thing.
1138
01:17:36,950 --> 01:17:40,078
Me and Richard's unspoken bond blossomed
the other night in one beautiful...
1139
01:17:40,187 --> 01:17:42,246
symbiotic act.
1140
01:17:42,356 --> 01:17:44,950
- What sort of act?
- Messing up that Van Wilder party.
1141
01:17:46,160 --> 01:17:48,424
And then we bumped uglies.
1142
01:17:48,529 --> 01:17:50,690
It was the best 10 seconds ever.
1143
01:17:52,633 --> 01:17:53,793
Ever.
1144
01:17:54,134 --> 01:17:57,103
Yes, these interviews
are somewhat of a formality...
1145
01:17:57,204 --> 01:18:00,935
but I think it's crucial we like-minded
people get to know one another.
1146
01:18:06,180 --> 01:18:09,047
- I knew you'd come to your senses.
- Hello, Richard.
1147
01:18:09,149 --> 01:18:12,448
Look. I know we have a lot of surgery
to perform on our relationship.
1148
01:18:12,553 --> 01:18:15,545
But right now I am prepping
for the biggest moment of our lives.
1149
01:18:15,656 --> 01:18:20,559
I have a written exam first, and then an
interview with five Northwestern alums.
1150
01:18:20,661 --> 01:18:22,060
All doctors.
1151
01:18:22,162 --> 01:18:24,756
That's why I came--
to help make you your shake.
1152
01:18:24,865 --> 01:18:27,060
- That'd be terrific, Gwenny.
- I'll see you downstairs.
1153
01:18:29,002 --> 01:18:32,165
But hurry. Interview's in a half hour,
other side of campus.
1154
01:18:33,640 --> 01:18:36,131
Sorry about that.
1155
01:18:43,984 --> 01:18:46,680
Northwestern.
I am the shit.
1156
01:18:46,787 --> 01:18:48,846
You certainly will be.
1157
01:18:48,956 --> 01:18:51,083
Gwenny, thank you.
1158
01:18:56,296 --> 01:18:59,094
Good luck, honey.
You deserve it.
1159
01:19:06,306 --> 01:19:09,002
I certainly do.
1160
01:20:12,839 --> 01:20:14,170
Cytosine.
1161
01:20:14,274 --> 01:20:15,969
Nothin' but net, my man.
1162
01:20:16,076 --> 01:20:19,910
Now remember, before any final,
take a pregame dump.
1163
01:20:36,029 --> 01:20:38,497
Thanks for coming in.
You did a great job, really.
1164
01:20:38,598 --> 01:20:41,590
Richard!
I was just talking about you.
1165
01:20:41,702 --> 01:20:44,262
Hey, surprise.
I'm on your oral exam board.
1166
01:20:44,371 --> 01:20:47,169
Look, come in here. I want you to meet
your future alumni.
1167
01:20:47,274 --> 01:20:49,208
- I gotta go--
- No, come on. It's a great time.
1168
01:20:49,309 --> 01:20:51,368
Look, it's Richard.
1169
01:20:51,478 --> 01:20:55,380
Finished his written exam in only
20 minutes. This kid is a dynamo.
1170
01:20:55,482 --> 01:20:57,882
Richard,
I want you to meet Dr. Stern.
1171
01:20:57,984 --> 01:20:58,973
Dr. Fine.
1172
01:20:59,086 --> 01:21:02,886
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bagg.
I've heard a lot about you.
1173
01:21:04,024 --> 01:21:06,925
- Dr. Brown.
- This is something of a formality.
1174
01:21:07,027 --> 01:21:09,825
We just want to
get to know you better.
1175
01:21:09,930 --> 01:21:12,398
And Dr. Smelnick.
1176
01:21:13,433 --> 01:21:15,663
Richard, is there something
you want to say?
1177
01:21:15,769 --> 01:21:18,169
You look like you want
to get something out, son.
1178
01:21:23,410 --> 01:21:24,502
Oh, my God!
1179
01:21:32,018 --> 01:21:33,610
- Vile.
- Oh, it burns!
1180
01:21:37,124 --> 01:21:38,489
I'm bleeding!
1181
01:21:39,659 --> 01:21:41,149
Dear God, that's wretched.
1182
01:22:05,252 --> 01:22:07,948
"Oh, I kept the first
for another day.
1183
01:22:08,054 --> 01:22:10,955
Yet knowing how way
leads on to way...
1184
01:22:11,057 --> 01:22:14,049
I doubted if I should
ever come back."
1185
01:22:14,161 --> 01:22:17,187
I want you to tell me what
Robert Frost was trying to express here.
1186
01:22:17,297 --> 01:22:19,561
I'm gonna need at least
one more booklet.
1187
01:22:20,767 --> 01:22:22,667
- What?
- In other school news...
1188
01:22:22,769 --> 01:22:25,294
we have an update
on the "Wilder Watch."
1189
01:22:25,405 --> 01:22:28,602
The rigorous day has been
a success for Van the man.
1190
01:22:28,708 --> 01:22:33,202
5 finals in the can with Professor
McDoogle's advanced econ final to go.
1191
01:22:35,982 --> 01:22:39,213
Van! Van, wake up,
wake up, wake up.
1192
01:22:39,319 --> 01:22:41,844
- Your final's in exactly 7 minutes!
- All right.
1193
01:22:55,135 --> 01:22:57,228
It's the moment of truth, people.
1194
01:23:12,652 --> 01:23:15,177
I'm so glad you could fit us
into your schedule this morning.
1195
01:23:15,288 --> 01:23:17,518
Wouldn't miss it
for the world, sir.
1196
01:23:19,025 --> 01:23:20,754
All right.
1197
01:23:20,861 --> 01:23:23,921
Pass these out.
Thank you.
1198
01:23:45,318 --> 01:23:47,218
It's getting to be
that time of the hour.
1199
01:23:50,824 --> 01:23:55,557
And your time is up, Mr. Wilder.
Pencils down.
1200
01:24:00,567 --> 01:24:02,228
- Thank you.
- For 4 years...
1201
01:24:02,335 --> 01:24:04,462
I have been grooming myself
for the real world.
1202
01:24:04,571 --> 01:24:09,031
I, like many, define the real world
as stuff that happens after graduation.
1203
01:24:09,142 --> 01:24:13,738
But I was wrong. It took a man by
the name of Van Wilder to teach me that.
1204
01:24:13,847 --> 01:24:16,543
You've all undoubtedly
been to one of Van's parties.
1205
01:24:16,650 --> 01:24:19,881
He's probably touched your life
in some way, whether you know it or not.
1206
01:24:19,986 --> 01:24:22,454
Watch Van do belly flops
into a pool...
1207
01:24:22,556 --> 01:24:27,255
but make sure you see he's raised $5,000
to give the swim team a next season.
1208
01:24:27,360 --> 01:24:30,523
As you're all aware,
Van was almost expelled.
1209
01:24:30,630 --> 01:24:32,723
What you probably
don't know is that he was set up...
1210
01:24:32,832 --> 01:24:34,732
by a pathetic, egomaniacal frat boy...
1211
01:24:34,834 --> 01:24:37,997
one who this reporter knows firsthand
to have a serious problem...
1212
01:24:38,104 --> 01:24:40,937
with premature ejaculation.
1213
01:24:41,041 --> 01:24:43,407
And in reaction
to this lynching...
1214
01:24:43,510 --> 01:24:47,071
Van put in more effort in 6 days
than most have all semester.
1215
01:24:47,180 --> 01:24:51,844
Win or lose, we should thank him for
reminding us what we're all capable of.
1216
01:24:51,952 --> 01:24:54,113
That's simply what he does--
1217
01:24:54,220 --> 01:24:57,053
he inspires the uninspired.
1218
01:25:01,995 --> 01:25:05,556
Van. Hurry. The night of fun
and fornication's upon us.
1219
01:25:05,665 --> 01:25:07,565
Hey, have you heard from Gwen?
1220
01:25:08,668 --> 01:25:10,898
No, she--
she hasn't yet called back.
1221
01:25:11,004 --> 01:25:13,802
Right.
I'll be down in a minute, okay?
1222
01:25:13,907 --> 01:25:16,137
- Okay.
- See ya, V.
1223
01:25:36,796 --> 01:25:40,664
Jesus.
This is some pad you got here.
1224
01:25:40,767 --> 01:25:42,997
Decorated in early fuck.
1225
01:25:47,907 --> 01:25:51,138
Well, I made it a point
to personally come down here, Wilder.
1226
01:25:51,244 --> 01:25:53,405
I wanted to give you the results
of your test firsthand.
1227
01:25:53,513 --> 01:25:55,913
And just as I expected...
1228
01:25:57,083 --> 01:25:58,607
you succeeded.
1229
01:25:58,718 --> 01:26:01,949
- 91 percent.
- What?
1230
01:26:03,590 --> 01:26:05,182
I'm proud of you, Wilder.
1231
01:26:05,291 --> 01:26:07,953
I've been waiting all these years
for you to realize your potential.
1232
01:26:08,061 --> 01:26:09,961
That's why you and I
had friction?
1233
01:26:10,063 --> 01:26:13,191
I thought it was 'cause I fooled around
with your daughter freshman year.
1234
01:26:14,234 --> 01:26:17,465
Why? What-- You fooled around
with my daughter?
1235
01:26:18,538 --> 01:26:19,766
What?
1236
01:26:36,156 --> 01:26:38,056
Hey, I know you.
1237
01:26:38,158 --> 01:26:40,490
- Thank you very much.
- You're the best, Van.
1238
01:26:40,593 --> 01:26:43,027
Hey, I couldn't have did it
without you. Appreciate it.
1239
01:26:43,129 --> 01:26:46,997
I need you to fill this up with ice.
Pack as much as you can inside.
1240
01:26:47,100 --> 01:26:50,399
- Okay? Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
1241
01:26:52,472 --> 01:26:55,305
My name is
Orissa Punjab Nizamabad.
1242
01:26:56,409 --> 01:26:59,071
I've just transferred here
from Banglapur.
1243
01:27:08,788 --> 01:27:10,551
Excuse me.
Can you tell me...
1244
01:27:10,657 --> 01:27:13,217
where I might find
the raddest fucking dude alive?
1245
01:27:13,326 --> 01:27:15,624
Yeah, by the pool, Gramps.
1246
01:27:16,730 --> 01:27:19,961
Hey, I know you, man!
Oh, fuck.
1247
01:27:20,066 --> 01:27:23,001
Congratulations, Van.
I knew you had it in you.
1248
01:27:26,372 --> 01:27:28,340
Dad! I can't believe
you're here.
1249
01:27:28,441 --> 01:27:30,375
I can't believe you graduated.
1250
01:27:30,477 --> 01:27:32,172
A friend of yours...
1251
01:27:32,278 --> 01:27:34,473
sent me this.
1252
01:27:35,949 --> 01:27:39,385
I'm proud of you, Van,
graduation or no graduation.
1253
01:27:39,486 --> 01:27:42,319
Thank you.
And I'm sorry that I spent...
1254
01:27:42,422 --> 01:27:45,755
such a buttload
of your money for so long.
1255
01:27:45,859 --> 01:27:49,192
It's by far the best investment
I ever made.
1256
01:27:59,005 --> 01:28:02,600
- You did good.
- Let's get this man "leid."
1257
01:28:02,709 --> 01:28:05,143
Meet my new girl.
1258
01:28:21,594 --> 01:28:24,154
You look so--
1259
01:28:24,264 --> 01:28:25,754
Wow.
1260
01:28:25,865 --> 01:28:28,891
- Wow.
- I was hoping you'd say that.
1261
01:28:37,177 --> 01:28:40,772
- May I?
- As long as we cuddle afterwards.
1262
01:28:45,084 --> 01:28:49,418
There's so much
that I need to say-- the article--
1263
01:28:57,030 --> 01:28:59,521
I was scared
that you wouldn't come.
1264
01:28:59,632 --> 01:29:02,624
Well, I was trying to decide
what panties I should wear.
1265
01:29:03,503 --> 01:29:05,528
Which ones did you choose?
1266
01:29:06,406 --> 01:29:08,101
None.
1267
01:29:55,855 --> 01:29:58,016
It's gonna be a bachelor party.
1268
01:29:58,124 --> 01:30:01,025
One last night of debauchery
with the fellas.
1269
01:30:10,870 --> 01:30:13,031
You can't even--
1270
01:30:13,139 --> 01:30:15,130
I mean, this girl is--
1271
01:30:16,643 --> 01:30:19,976
- I was wondering--
- I'll do it.
1272
01:30:24,350 --> 01:30:27,444
I'm getting my shit together.
Just one second.
1273
01:30:28,254 --> 01:30:29,812
I can't do this!
1274
01:30:39,866 --> 01:30:42,357
Oh, man. My mama never told me
I'd be doing this.
1275
01:30:44,504 --> 01:30:46,438
I want to chew the--
1276
01:30:46,539 --> 01:30:48,632
And then--
I don't know how.
1277
01:30:58,017 --> 01:31:02,579
Kids, this is what white jockey
blowin' hookers will do to you.100979
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