Original subtitles

What's up, Mar-lunatics?

You know, when it comes to careers

You gotta make sure you follow your heart.

See, me, I first followed my stomach.

That's right.

I got a job as a pizza delivery boy.

Now, I got fired after two days

because I broke the cardinal rule:

Never eat pie from your own supply.

So eventually I found my true calling:

Making people laugh. Think about it.

I just got paid to talk about getting paid.

Huh. I just bucked the system.

I just changed the game. I fought the power.

Hey, DJ, hit the theme song.

♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪

♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪

♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪

♪ Marlon, Marlon ♪

♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪

ALL: Marlon!

Aw, look at my little man. So handsome.

Do I really have to wear this to school?

I can't move my arms.

Let me teach you a little something, nephew.

Real men wear suits. Mm-kay?

And real ties.

Man, people are gonna make fun of me.

Sweetheart, nobody is gonna make fun of you.

- What up, fam? - Oh, damn it.

What in the Men's Wearhouse sale

is this?

Boy, you better give Joseph A. Banks back his suit.

Why is he dressed like he's auditioning for a white family?

Is somebody trying to "Blind Side" you?

What else am I forgetting?

Ooh, uh, why is your son dressed like a mortician?

[LAUGHS]

No, he look more like a dead body.

[BOTH LAUGH]

He just be sitting in the coffin

and all the old aunties come up and go, "Mm, he look good.

- "He look good. He was a good"... - Enough!

Enough.

Zack's school is having a career day,

and the teachers encouraged all the students

- to dress like a professional. - Professional what?

Ventriloquist dummy? [LAUGHS]

You look like you'd be... should be sitting on my lap

like this, like...

Get off my counter.

- Dad. - Huh?

Did you notice Yvette's here?

Oh, hey there, ghetto Gollum.

Did you ever find that ring, my precious?

Okay, come on, guys. We gotta get going.

Some of us parents have to go in to discuss our careers.

Ooh, career day, huh?

Who's on the panel?

I mean, I might get inspired. You know, I'm in between jobs.

Uh, brother.

You, my friend, are in job purgatory.

You just floating through unemployment like,

"Help me. Help me"

All right, well, the panel consists of

a loan officer, orthodontist, a paralegal,

and Yvette and I will be joining in

to discuss architecture and design.

Well, now, hold on.

Who's there repping for the non-traditional careers?

You know, like the DJs and the bucket drummers

and the statue dude that only move

when you give him a dollar. [MIMICKING ROBOT NOISES]

Son, are you cool with this?

Man, I just wanna get through this day

and take this suit off.

[CHUCKLES] You gonna be saying that

for the next 40 years, brother.

You see that?

The man is already sticking it to him.

Okay, since Daddy is gonna rant about "the man,"

Zack and I will be in the car.

All right, hey. Hey, don't be blinded, sister.

Stay woke.

Marlon, I don't understand why you're so upset.

The school is just trying to put them

on the right track for success.

Listen to me.

I don't want them putting my son in a box.

Okay, so you know what? I don't have time for this

but let's just agree to disagree.

Agree to disagree.

That's what people say when they know I'm right.

I get it a lot.

And Marlon's going to reveal his plan in three, two, one...

Stevie. We're gonna crash career day.

What? No way.

I did not see that coming.

So between my architectural degree

and flair for design...

And my business degree and flair for being fly...

- [BOTH CHUCKLE] - We've managed to sustain

a successful business for the last nine years!

How's that for a career?

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

Spoiled rotten bastards. Pick your head up, Ashley.

We did good.

Thank you, Ms. Brown, Ms. Wayne,

and thank you to all of the parents

who came to talk to us today.

[CHICAGO BULLS THEME SONG PLAYS]

Ah, damn it.

And now, from the PJs of New York,

Standing at 6'3", 6'2" with the hair loss,

social media influencer and all around dope dude,

Marlon Wayne!

[APPLAUSE]

[GRUNTS]

[COUGHS]

Now, kids.

Please give it up for your opening acts.

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

Give it up for the paralegal.

She was too damn lazy to go to law school.

[LAUGHS]

Now...

traditional jobs are cool...

but...

they take a piece of your soul.

The brutal grind of 9 to 5, every day.

You need a drink after work to calm you down.

So you go down to the little watering hole,

and there's a bunch of miserable people

sitting at the bar and they drunk and plastered.

And then you go to your bartender,

Bartender Nicky, and she just gives you the bottle...

[HISSES] She slides it down

and you grab it

and you drink it all the way down

till it makes that "boop" noise when you put it back down.

And now you're a little intoxicated

and your friend says, "Hey, you wanna drive?

Let me get your keys." And you go, "No."

So your friend takes your keys and she throws them... ching!

Did I say "she"?

Yes, you had your mistress meet you down there.

So they call you an Uber,

but she don't call you a UberX,

she called you a Uber Pool.

So you sitting in the pool full of four people

and you drunk and you throw up on some person's lap.

Meanwhile, some dude is hitting on you

and it gets weird,

and then they push you out the car on your lawn

and your family don't find you till the next morning

when they're on the way to school

and the sprinklers are on

and the dog is sniffing your ass.

Is that a life you wanna live? Not me.

I'm here to tell you about

non-traditional jobs.

- Wonderful. - Mm-hmm.

Why don't you tell us what you do?

Girl, I think different.

Like Steve Jobs.

Martin Luther King Jr.

Jesus Christ.

The little dude that made up this dance.

You know, we all thunk outside the box.

You know why? Because nothing good

has ever come out of a box.

What about Playstation?

Hey, man. This ain't a duet.

See, guys, there's a whole world

of alternative careers just waiting for all of you.

Like a gamer. A magician.

A doula.

Mr. Wayne, I'm confused.

Uh, Stevie told me to say doula.

I don't know what the hell it is either.

No, I'm just not sure that it's clear

what it is that you actually do.

Oh. I... I follow my heart.

I make people laugh for a living,

and I drive a Range Rover.

With rims and butt-heaters. My dad is ballin'!

Wonderful. Wonderful.

And I'm sure that the foundation and structure

that you learned in school has been very beneficial

to your career.

Nah.

Yeah, you don't need none of that.

Listen, guys, I'm my own boss.

I wake up when I want 'cause this way,

if the dope sneakers come in,

I could be first in line to get 'em and guess what?

Bow! Got 'em.

You jealous? You should be.

Sneakers also come in a box.

Hey, man, you about to come in a box

- if you keep on interrupting me. - Mr. Wayne, Mr. Wayne.

Nah, let little boy...

Nah, little boy got something to say.

You got something to say?

All right, so anyway, in summation...

I would like to say to all of you...

I want you all to follow your heart...

and, as God is my witness,

you will never have to work a day in your life.

[APPLAUSE]

Stevie, hit me with that dope outtro.

["IT'S RAINING MEN" BY THE WEATHER GIRLS PLAYS]

Sorry, it's my workout playlist.

♪ ♪

See, I told you we should have used some damn music.

- Ooh. - You killed it, champ.

Your boy did that. [LAUGHS]

Ah, they couldn't touch me in there.

I dare you to find me one person

that could be mad at that career day speech.

Found some.

Do they look mad to you?

Perturbed.

This looks like a meeting of All Lives Matter.

Uh, Ash.

When you hit me to come over

you didn't tell me it was for the worst swingers party ever.

Ah, man. By the looks of it,

I'm gonna be doing all the heavy lifting.

All right, let's get to it y'all.

Okay, Marlon.

- Listen. - Hmm?

Your career day speech did not go over very well.

Marlon, there are a lot of white people here,

allow me to translate.

Hey, guys. [CHUCKLES]

Rest assured we've got some Pinkberry

and some charcuterie on the way.

We're gonna let our dogs inside the house

and we're gonna let them kiss us on the mouth.

So...

so just rest assured it's gonna be amaze-balls.

That little speech of yours

has ruined our children's lives.

Tanner wants to be a street artist now.

Last night, he tagged the gate in our gated community with...

a pecker.

Aw.

Well, kudos to him for being creative

and kudos to you for bringing back the word pecker.

Rebecca suddenly believes she's a designer.

She said I had no swag and then threw away most of my clothes.

She must have forgot them khakis you got on.

And them ugly-ass caramel shoes.

They look like someone put some laces

in some Werther's candy. [LAUGHS]

Marlon. Gabe's mother is concerned

because he's abandoned his dream

- of being a veterinarian. - Yeah.

He says he's in the rap game now.

♪ Yo, yo, yo, I slung some rocks ♪

♪ And my stacks getting bigger ♪

♪ But life ain't easy for this 4-foot... ♪

- [ALL YELL] - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're gonna go back to that class

and tell them you were wrong.

You gonna take the bass out your voice.

Don't look at me for the rest of the night.

Now...

I don't see what the problem is.

The problem is they all wanna be like you.

Well, congratulations.

Every parent should want their kid to be like me.

Right, Ash?

Well...

All right. Everybody out.

Come on. Come on, y'all.

Start up them minivans

and let's get the hell up out of here.

Come on.

And, no, you cannot use the bathroom.

You're a grown ass man, use your kegels.

[HIP HOP MUSIC]

Marlon, let me explain.

Nah, you don't have to explain nothing.

Apparently, I ain't nothing. My daddy ain't nothing.

My granddaddy ain't nothing.

The man who picked my great-great-granddaddy

from the slave auction, he ain't nothing.

The porter on the slave ship that said,

"We got room for one more." He ain't nothing.

Okay!

Marlon, I didn't say any of that.

I was paraphrasing.

I just don't want Zack

to have the same struggles as us.

Don't you remember when you were starting

your YouTube career how hard it was for us?

You left your stable job at the airport

to make fart videos.

They were trending at the time.

That was really scary for me.

I know but...

remember when I got that first big check

and we made it rain on those bills?

We was like, "Ah, take that rent.

Ah, on your ass, gas. Ah."

Yeah and then there was a drought

before you got your next check.

It was nine months.

I just don't want our kids

to have that kind of instability

and neither do those parents.

Okay, if it was scary for you, then why'd you stay?

Because I believed in you...

and I saw how hard you were working.

And...

you don't think our son will do that too?

Zack, can you come down here a minute?

Why you be bringing the babies into this?

Damn.

Zack, can you tell your daddy

why you didn't want to do your homework last night?

My heart doesn't want to follow fractions.

- I don't need them. - Yeah, he's right.

3/8 of all the people I know don't even use fractions.

Zack, can you tell your dad why you don't need them?

Because I'm gonna be a famous YouTube star like Dad.

Yeah, I'm never gonna work hard a day in my life.

Hey, bud, wait...

I never said that.

But that's what Zack heard.

That's what they all heard.

All right, fine.

- I'll fix it. - Thank you.

But for the record...

I told you we should stop after Marley.

♪ ♪

All right, my little YouTube star.

- Ready to do what daddy does? - Let's do it.

All right, well, the first thing we have to do

is we have to have a brain-storming session.

Okay, that's where we figure out some ideas.

So what do you got?

I was thinking I'd do one of my characters.

- Oh, okay. - You know, this guy.

You know what... this is my bad.

See, there was this one time when you was a baby

I dropped you five times.

Come on, son.

We gotta think bigger, baby. Come on.

Well, what do you do, Dad?

Well, me, I do "The Marlon Way."

That's where I riff on various topics.

I wanna do a cool version of that.

Says the dude that looks like a nappy metronome.

Dad, you're doing it wrong, it's...

Welcome to "The Zack Attack",

where Zack attacks things that everybody hates.

Now, the problem with mac and cheese is...

Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up,

hold up, hold up.

Are you throwing shade at mac and cheese?

Why don't you just make a video

of you punching a kitten in the throat?

Now, come on.

Pick a topic that the audience can get behind.

The thing about mac and cheese...

- Black Panther. - All right, now we talking.

- Was overrated. - Whoa, hey.

Hey, man.

Ain't nobody trying to hear that.

You trying to get us kicked out the race?

- Natural hair. - Hey, man.

You trying to get us beat up by the sisters?

Weaves are our friends.

Weave them alone.

God. Say, Jack.

You trying to get us killed? Sorry.

Beyoncé.

I'd rather you talk about God.

[WHIMPERING]

Jay-Z plus Beyoncé. That's the illuminati.

[WHIMPERING]

these Bey-hive people are crazy.

[WHIMPERING]

I hear copters. They flying Solange in.

Ah!

Dad. We've been at this all day.

I tried like a zillion topics

and you shot down every one of them.

Son, I can't have you out here talking about

Forest Whitaker's eye like that, man.

I mean, geez, this brother won an Oscar.

Put some respect on his name.

Now, look, son. Okay?

It took me about ten zillion different topics

before I found one that worked.

So we're just gonna keep working at it.

- Well, I quit. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

Whoa.

We don't quit in this family.

That's a four letter word we don't say.

We don't say quit and we don't sat can't.

Everything else is for the taking.

Now, when I started, I couldn't quit.

You know why? Because I had a family.

And I had this beautiful little baby boy...

who needed expensive formula

because even though he had perfectly good breast milk...

he couldn't latch on.

Now, you got that from your mother's side.

Dad, you said that I wouldn't have to work a day in my life.

Son.

What I meant was...

if you follow your heart...

and you find something that you love...

it won't feel like work.

And that's all I was trying to say to you guys the other day.

See, I left you all with the impression

that non-traditional careers don't require hard work.

That's not true. But...

if you do something that you love,

it won't feel like work.

So, in closing, I'd like to say, stay in school...

Stranger danger...

only you can prevent forest fires...

And don't do some drugs.

Anything else? We cool?

Uh, that's the best y'all gonna get.

Mm-hmm.

- [LIGHT APPLAUSE] - Thank you.

Stevie, hit me with that dope ass outtro music.

["I DON'T WANT TO WAIT" BY PAULA COLE PLAYS]

♪ For our lives to be over ♪

♪ I want to know right now what will it be ♪

♪ I don't want to wait for our lives to be over ♪

♪ I want to know right now what will it be ♪

I don't even wanna know. Okay?

So did I miss my calling as a motivational speaker or what?

That or a fireman who only puts out fires

he started himself. [BOTH LAUGH]

You know, I realized something.

When I first started chasing my dreams...

it must have been really scary for you.

But for me it wasn't.

It was the first time in my professional life...

that I just felt alive.

And that's what I want for those kids.

And that's what I want for our kids.

I get that.

And for the record, Marlon...

I'd be thrilled if Zack turned out like you.

- Hey. - Hmm?

- Can I ask you a question? - Of course.

Is Miss Frye staring at my booty right now?

- Marlon. - Just look.

Actually... yeah, she is.

Girl, I knew it. My ass is hot.

[LAUGHS]

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.