All language subtitles for Life.Of.The.Party.2018.BDRip.x264-GECKOS-1

Hey! Hi, there!

Oh, boy, look at this.

Pretty as ever. Ha!

Oh! Exciting!

Oh!

What, did you pack

your bowling ball collection
in here?

Oh, my God! He's in
a good mood.

Who do I love, huh?

Who do I love?
You Know I love you.

Yeah, I love you, too, Mom.

Senior year, huh?
I mean, this is the one.

They're all important but,
boy, this is the one

that really takes you
to the finish line.

What do I always tell you?

I got this.

You got this.

Tell you what I won't miss.
Paying 28 grand a year.

- Oh.
- Dad.

Don't listen to him.

He just likes to squeeze
the coin purse.

I just love it here.

I love being back at our
alma mater, right, honey?

Well, technically,
it's my alma mater.

You didn't graduate.

He loves it.

Oh, boy, here come
the waterworks.

- Mom!
- No, you know what?

I think I just need
some cheese or something.

I'm a little snackish.

Okay, traffic. We got traffic.

Okay. All right.
We're gonna release, okay.

You're a remarkable
young lady.

My love for you
is very, very fierce.

What? I'm only
22 minutes away!

That's 22 minutes
too far for me.

Have so much fun
in Italy, guys.

It's gonna be amazing.

Arrivederci! That's Italian.

- Have fun.
- Thanks.

Save your receipts.
Just kidding, but save them.

OKQY -

Hatchback.

Oh, yup. Oh, boy.

Ciao, honey!

Ciao!

We're both fluent.
I'm coming, Dan.

Beep beep yourself, mister.

Somebody trying

to get me in the car
all to himself, huh?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Oh, boy.

Four weeks in Italy, hmm?

Are you ready? I'm ready.

I've always enjoyed
our staycations,

but I think
I'm ready for a little

gondola ride with my fella.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait!

I wanna see our girl go in.

Oh-ho! Look at that.

I want a divorce.

- What?
- I want a divorce.

God, it feels good
to say that out loud.

I wanna be completely
transparent with you, Deanna.

I am in love
with someone else.

Who are you in love with?

Marcie.

Marcie Strong.

The realtor?

The one on the bus benches?

She's also on a series of
small billboards downtown,

and she has
a pretty respectable

social media following.

on, my God!

- Don't... Please...
- Don't touch me.

- Stay in the car, please.
- I'm gonna be sick.

I know this seems mean,

but I'm doing it
to facilitate a clean break.

Like ripping
a Band-Aid off quickly.

This is better for you.

Don't you dare tell me that
this is better for me.

Also in the interest
of complete transparency...

I'm gonna sell the house.

You can't do that.
That's not how it works.

Marcie already started
the paperwork

and it's all in my name.

Stop it!
Look, this is a lease.

We still have
10 months' payments...

- Stop it, please!
- I don't care if it's a lease.

Please, get back in the car.

Oh, that's gonna cost.

We'll talk about this later.

Just go, Dan.

Now I gotta use Waze.

23 years of marriage,
just down the tubes.

I mean...
Can you believe that?

No. I'm just
so disappointed in Dan,

and what's Maddie gonna do?

I mean, you've gotta
cancel the trip to Italy.

You know, I honest to God,
I didn't see it coming.

You always hear that,
but I didn't see it coming.

Let me tell you this,
Dan doesn't deserve you.

You're such a great lady,
Deanna.

Thank you. That's very nice
of you.

This is it. My parents' house
is just up here on the right.

Thanks, Dale. And, uh...

From the bottom of my heart...

I'm gonna give you
a great Uber review.

Aw, well, I hope your day
gets better, Deanna.

I'm sure it will.

Can I make you a sandwich?

No, thanks, Mom.
I'm just not hungry.

What about a tuna salad
sandwich or egg salad?

- You like egg salad.
- I do like egg salad.

But, I promise you,
I'll let you know...

But I'm really
not hungry right now.

At least Marcie is attractive.

- Mike!
- Dad! Oh, my God!

What did I say?

It'd be even worse
if she was homely.

- No, it would not!
- Okay. You know what?

That Dan, no good.

I knew that, you know,
first time

he tried to make you
drop out of college.

What kind of man
makes his pregnant wife

drop out of college
with one year to go, huh?

Mike, lower your voice.
You're upsetting Razzles.

Oh, I'm sorry, Razzy.

He didn't make me
drop out of school.

Dan and I
decided that together.

We were having a baby!

We needed to save money.

We could only afford one of us
to finish school,

and he thought it was more
important that he went.

- Okay.
- Okay?

I was always
supposed to go back.

It just never happened.

You were just so close
to graduating.

I think it just kind of sticks
in his craw.

Yeah, it just sticks
in my craw a little bit.

I've got an idea, honey.

What about a ham sandwich?

Sandy, she doesn't want
a ham sandwich.

But she likes ham, Mike.

Of course she likes ham.
Everybody likes ham!

But the point is
that she's too upset to eat!

Okay, you know
what's upsetting me

is that my marriage
has collapsed,

and you two keep
screaming about ham!

I'm not screaming about ham.

- You are screaming about ham!
- You are!

Yeah, stop it!

You think I'm screaming
about ham?

Right now, your voice is
going up with "ham"!

Fine! I'm screaming about ham!
I can't help it!

I'm up on the roof there!
I'm blowing through the roof!

I feel like I'm gonna

blow like a hot water heater!

I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go right now.

I'm making
everyone a sandwich.

Mom, am I the only one
that didn't see it coming?

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna shoot Dan.

- Mike.
- Yeah!

Put the gun down.
You are not shooting Dan.

Dad, stop waving
that gun around.

I know exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Oh, my gosh!
You almost hit Razzles.

Michael, you put a hole
in the stairs!

You know what?
Dan's fault!

This was Dan's fault.

Ow! Shit!

Whoo!

You can't call this
racquetball.

That's a disgrace to the game.

You know what?
I know I fought you on it,

but thank you for getting me
out of the house.

Oh, come on. What do you think
best friends are for, huh?

Hey! Hey!

Excuse me, there's no alcohol
on the courts.

Ah, suck it, Eugene!

Go easy on the kid, huh?

You know what? How many
of those have you had?

I had, uh... I had

-three on the way over here.
- Yeah.

I made Frank drive me.

You've had four here.

- You've had seven?
- I've had seven.

What are we supposed to do?
Wait around here all day?

Let's just show them
how it's done, okay?

- Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry.

Right in
the lady business.

It's not funny!

- Shut up!
- It's not funny.

Oh, my! Oh!
That's like a pain.

I'm really sorry.

I think I was thinking
about Dan's face

-or maybe his crotchal area.
- Yeah.

- No, but you're good.
- I kind of let loose.

You got good aim. Wow!

What am I doing?
lam drinking alcohol

on a racquetball court
and yelling at old men.

I mean, what am I gonna do?

Go get a studio apartment
or start taking spin classes?

Oh, God! I don't wanna
start a blog.

I don't... I don't know
how to do that.

Please don't do that.

I should have
just fought more.

- You know?
- Don't do that to yourself.

You did great.

What about Maddie?

She's so great.

She's so great.

I don't regret that at all.
I mean, I...

That's the best,
I mean, being her mom.

I even liked being a wife.

I just wanted
to also have a career.

I didn't see why I couldn't
have all of those things.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Hey, yo! We don't have time

for your heartfelt
conversations, eh!

They're so ornery.

Okay, let's razzle-dazzle,
and show...

Oh, God, we have
to move again?

Show the Muppetjudges, right?

Oh, my sciatica's kicking.

Oh, God! Wow!

The pain, it's blinding!

I'm so sorry...

I'm so sorry I did that.
I didn't mean to hit you.

You don't need
to apologize to me.

Just apologize to my vagina.

I'm so sorry.

Stacey accepts your apology.

- Who's Stacey?
- She's my vagina.

You know what?

I shouldn't say anything.
Mine is LeVonne.

What?

I thought it sounded French.

Oh, my God.

On.

That was not good hair.

Too short. Too short, Deanna.

Huh.

A-boo!

- Oh, God!
- Mom!

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean
to actually scare you.

- Hi!
- Surprise!

What are you doing here?

Well, I was just bringing you
some mini toiletries,

and I got you some more
of that shampoo

that I know you like so much.

Mom, I've only been here
a week.

I don't need more shampoo.

Oh, I always think
everyone can use shampoo,

and floss and frozen
vegetable medleys.

Always a good thing
to have around.

That's why I stopped by,

and also to tell you that

your father and I
are getting a divorce,

but if you want me
to take the shampoo back...

Wait, what?

Yeah, honey.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to just blurt that out.

I'm sorry.

- Oh, my God!
- Come here.

Oh. I didn't mean
to do it like that.

You know that this has
nothing to do

with how much we love you,

because we love you.
We love you so much.

So much. Okay?

Oh, my God.

Uh, what happened?

Well, I guess in a nutshell,
I would have to say

that he is currently having

an intimate
sexual relationship

with somebody
named Marcie.

I'm so sorry, Mom.

No, I'm... I'm sorry.

I mean, this was not my plan.

I did not mean
to come over here,

and just dump bad news on you.

lwish I knew
how to do this better.

Dad is such an ass!

Yeah. But I'll tell you this.

I'm not even
really a full week in,

but I'm feeling
peppier about it.

Top of the week was...

Really, really
spiraling down there,

but I feel like there's some
big wheels in motion here.

Exciting, big,
semi-truck size wheels.

Yes, big wheels!

Come on, seize the day!
Go for the gold!

Yeah, at least medal, right?

That's why I'm gonna go
back to college

and get my archaeology degree.

Right here, my alma mater.

I'm gonna finish
what I started.

- No.
- Yes!

Mom, you really gotta
take a moment

and think about this.

Hmm. I love it.

on.

Okay. Oh, boy.

Okay, okay...

Oh, boy.

I overwhelmed my gal.

Mom came in
and overwhelmed her.

Yes, I did.

No, this is...
This is good news.

- Yeah, good news.
- Mmm-hmm.

Good news.

I'll tell you what.

I would hate to have
to clean all these spindles.

- Oh, I think you could do it.
- I know I could.

You doing okay?

- Oh, yeah, I'll be okay.
- Okay. I know.

Yeah, you're a tough cookie.

Oh.

Hey! Hello!

Look, who's here.
The gang's all here.

- Hi!
- Hi, Mrs. Miles!

Look at this.
Oh, it's a study group.

Study buddies already.

You should be
down here studying.

Please stop, Mom.

Look at you. Boy, a sight
for sore eyes, huh?

Hello to my fellow Tigers,
fellow students

because somebody's mom
just enrolled in college!

I'm referring to myself.

Wait, you're going to
school here now?

Oh, she's thinking about it.
It's not for sure yet.

It's pretty for sure.

I don't think
I'm gonna change my mind,

and I was, you know,

it made me start wondering
when I was signing up today.

I thought, "Wasn't Amanda
talking about

"switching to the archaeology
department?"

- Was that you?
- No, no, I'm art history.

No. How about...
How about you?

Oh, no, it's not me.

No. I'm so sorry,
we haven't met.

I haven't had the pleasure.

I'm Helen. Hi!

Did I get lucky?

Are you possibly
an archaeology major?

There's usually two of us
in a room.

I'm undeclared.

There's still time.

There's still time.
Check into it.

Now, I couldn't
help noticing

that you're a little whisper
older than the other girls.

Are you a TA
or maybe a grad student?

No, I'm a sophomore.

But I started college
a little bit later

because I was in a coma
for eight years.

Oh, my gosh!

If I may, I'm just wondering,
how did it...

How did that happen?

Yes, I was skydiving.

Boy.

So, one minute
you're falling out a plane

then the lights go out.

Next thing I know, I wake up,
I think it's the next day,

but I've grown four inches
and suddenly I have C cups.

It was eight years gone.

I also have C cups.

But I didn't have to
go into a coma for them.

Mom! I think that's your cue.

I think, maybe,
you've gotta hit the road.

- Yes, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

Yes. Put a fork in me.
I'm done. So sorry.

I'm gonna toddle off,
on that note.

So nice meeting you.

So nice to meet you, Helen.

And, girls, what a delight
to see you again.

Okay, all right.

Well, I'll see you around
campus or on the quad.

- Nobody says that, Mom.
- Nobody says that?

Well, I'll bring it back.
See you in the quad, Tigers.

Bye, Mrs. Miles!

And welcome.

So, here's
your class schedule.

Wow! lam pumped!

- Thank you so much!
- You're so welcome.

- All right, take care.
- Bye now.

I already got senioritis.
Kidding!

Yes!

on.

Ooh! Yes!

Oh! Did you see these
in there?

- They're tiny footballs!
- I know. Aren't they so cute?

I have no idea
what I'm gonna do with them.

I guess I'll find tiny
football players.

Let me just get my grip.

Ah. You're a sight
for sore eyes.

If you could
just maybe grab that...

I guess chivalry's dead.

Wearing sweatpants
in broad daylight.

There's another one.

Future Dans of America.

Hello?

Hi!

Oh.

Don't turn on the lights.

Whoa. Oh.

Hi, there. Uh...

I'm Deanna,

and you must be
Lenore or is it Leonor?

Okay, well, I'm sure
we'll get into that.

Um... So we're roomies, huh?

Fun to be roomies.

Bunkmates.

It's dark in here.
Were you asleep?

I don't sleep.
I'm scared of the dark.

Huh. Oh, boy.

I'm scared of a lot of things.

I'm scared of crowds,
books, flying,

-people, ants, ketchup.
- Oh.

Ketchup's a tough one for me.

I mean, I like a moutarde,

but I'm kind of a ketchup gal.

I like to dunk my taters.

Okay. I like that.

Okay, well, we are gonna
get along just great.

Oh.

Look at that spring back.

I'll tell you what...

I did not expect
that kind of resilience.

First day of school!

- Shut up!
- Sorry.

First day of school.

Hey. guys. Go Tigers, right?

Oh, man.

Oh! I want it. Yes!

I'd love a brainstorming
session, I've got one.

Hit it high! There we go.

Hey, Mondays, huh?

Oh! This is amazing.

Okay. Let's do this.

Good seats. Good pick.

I may go a little further up
because of my progressives.

You want a study buddy?

I'll give you my landline.
Maybe we could kind of...

on. on.

- Hi!
- Hi!

I hate to do this.

God, there's always
that one, right?

It's like, "I gotta sit
in the center-center."

Oh, look at you.
Real big feet.

On! Sorry,

let me give you that back.
You got it.

- Hi!
+11.

Hi, there. Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Sorry. I apologize.

You got hit
by school spirit.

Wow! Look at you,
all decked out.

Well, you know what? I am
excited to be in this class.

Now I have to say,

I'm surprised
to see you in here.

Well, after I met you,
I watched Indiana Jones.

Oh, the best.

And then, scuttlebutt
on the street is...

What is that?

Everything's already
been dug up

so this is a really
easy class.

No, I gotta agree to disagree.

But good news, this means
we're both Jurassicjunkies.

Oh, look at this place.

Oh, you know... Oh, boy.

Excuse me, I think your bag's
got a case of the dropsies.

It went through
the chute there. Oh!

Farther in than I thought.
Oh, you know what?

That tip.

The little tip
of that cracked right off.

But, uh, luckily for you,

I got a whole haul
of mechanical pencils,

so the lead keeps replenishing
as you twist.

You want in on this, huh?

No.

- No?
- Thank you.

But I love your sweater.

Oh!

Thank you so much.

Yeah, I thought
it really popped.

Yeah, I was kidding.

It's a horrible sweater.

It's a horrible,
super sad mom sweater.

OKQY -

I see we're still doing that.

Girls being mean
to other girls

for no apparent reason.

There 'vs a reason.

You're not a girl,
you're a thousand years old.

You're ancient. A relic.

She's pleased with herself
over that one.

Well, guess what?
If I'm a relic

then I guess
I'm in the right class.

Swoosh.

It's an archaeologyjab.

Hmm? Who made jam out of
that mess of berries? Me.

Good afternoon, everyone.

Welcome to Archaeology 301.

Oh, my God.

I think that's Wayne Truzack.

He was a classmate of mine,
20 years ago.

First of all, I wanna tell you
that your satisfaction

in this class is guaranteed

or you'll get double
your mummy back.

Mummy back.

- Oh.
- I don't get why that's funny.

It is funny
but it's also punny.

Hey, freaks, shut up!

No, no!

No! No! No!

No. No.

I brought snacks!

I don't know. I'm just...
I'm loving my classes.

They're amazing.
I feel like I'm learning.

I think I felt for so long

like my brain
was in a freezer,

and now I've really
come room temp.

It's just great!

Can I say something?

You could say
whatever you want, Debbie.

You don't have to ask.

- Thanks, Amanda.
- You're welcome.

I think it's really great that

you had something
bad happen to you,

and that you're
making lemons out of lemonade.

I think you did kind of
flip-flop that saying.

It's supposed to be lemonade
out of lemons.

You take something sour

and you turn it
into something sweet.

Pretty sure it's
make lemons out of lemonade.

It's kind of the idea that

something bad
happened to you,

like your husband
leaving you,

and squashing you
to make lemonade.

Then pulling yourself
back together again

and now you're a whole lemon.

Ha! That was
a very visual, uh, story.

Very painful visual,

but then the whole lemon
really does

bring it back around
to the flip side,

so thank you for that.

I appreciate the sentiment
and I appreciate these cheeks.

Oh, my God! I can't let go!

Deanna, you wanna stick around
and hang out?

Oh, I would love to hang.
Oh, my first college hang.

I mean, I am free as a bird.
I'm down to clown.

Deanna's such a mouthful.
What if I called you Dee Dee?

I have always wanted
a nickname.

What about Dee Rock
or Dee Train?

Or Glenn?

Why would we call her Glenn?

Oh, just because
I love Glenn Close,

and I was thinking about her.

- I love Glenn Close.
- You do?

Fatal Attraction,
best movie ever.

Is that the one
where she boiled a rabbit?

It is.

I think I showed that
to Maddie

a little too early on

because she urinated
in her underpants.

Mom!

And would not eat anything

out of a stew pot
for a good 6 to 8 months.

Or she would just keep

re-urinating
in her underpants.

Mom, stop!

- Let's watch it.
- Can we?

Let's rent it. Movie night.

Yeah, you know,
I love a good movie night,

but I think my morn does not
want to hang out here.

She's just stopping by.

She's not gonna hang out
with her daughter's friends.

That would be so weird.
That would be weird.

Maddie's right.
I can't hang out right now.

I've gotta get home

and get in some good hang time
with my new roomie.

- What's her name?
- You know what?

It's Leonor or Lenore.

I'm not really sure.

We're just kind of getting
used to each other, I'm sure.

She kind of mutters around
the room talking to herself.

I just kind of get a Voldemort
vibe from her

but I will take a rain check

on the movie if that...
Or not.

- Rain check.
- Okay. Rain check.

Oh!

Okay, I'll make the popcorn.

- I got a sweet and savory one.
- Great!

- Bye.
- Bye, Mom.

- Bye, Dee Rock.
- She's amazing.

Yeah, that was really...
That was very nice of her

to bring food for you guys.

I love your mom.

Last thing...

Thunder dunder
clouds up ahead

and I just said rain check.
It's like I conjured it.

- Oh, great.
- Okay.

Bye-bye. Oh, last hug.

- Okay.
- I love you.

Look at her dancing me out.
We're like Fred and... Okay.

You're a bookworm, huh?

Oh, my God.
How long have you been there?

Six minutes.

You're a quiet one.

You get good grades, huh?

Oh, uh...

I try. I really enjoy
the subject matter

and, I don't know,
I just find archaeology

a constant wonder.

You like to dig up stuff?
I like to bury stuff.

OKQY -

Look at us!
Kind of yin and yang,

having our first
conversation, huh?

Fun. I...

Listen, while we're gabbing,

I was just, um,
kind of wondering...

You know,
it's been a few weeks, uh,

thinking, "I wonder
if she's ever gonna

"go outside the room?"

Maybe for class

or, you know,
a coven meeting.

I'm kidding.

I've gone on the other side
of that door.

Oh, yeah...

I find you behind that door
all the time,

but that's inside my closet.

So, I was just wondering,

are you ever gonna go out
maybe that door

into the, let's say hallway.

I'll probably
stick to that door.

- You wanna stick to my closet?
- Yeah.

OKQY -

I like you.

On.

We're friends.

I certainly hope so.

I'm gonna go back to my room.

OKQY -

Mmm. Wow! That smells great.
What is that?

Yes, it's
Fiori Antichi Della Novella.

Remember? We got it a Firenze.

Mmm.

- It turns me on.
- Yeah.

Mmm!

Mmm.

What is
that smell? Hmm?

It's probably garlic and Dial.

- And a little mayo.
- Hmm.

I had an Italian sandwich.

They're lovers.

No, they're not.
They're jealous.

No, we're best friends.

Yes.

I can't believe
you brought her.

I can't believe
you brought Christine.

I can't believe you shacked up
with a bitch!

Hey. Hey.

All right, that is not
gonna be useful today.

This bitch has
a lot of reason to be here.

I am an excellent negotiator.
I am a realtor.

Yes. Not only do you destroy
homes, you also sell them.

- Come full circle.
- Oh, good burn!

- Okay.
- Hello, all.

As you know,

this mediation is here
to help facilitate

the terms of your divorce,
all right?

So just so you know,

this is not a court of law,
all right?

You will all be civilized

and you will please address
all speech to me.

- You betcha.
- To you.

- To you.
- Yes, to me.

No crosstalk.

So even if we wanna talk
to one another, we can't.

I mean, if I wanted
to say, "Dina..."

- You'd look at me.
- I'd look at you, I'd say...

"Dina, I am going to have

"a beautiful life
with your husband...

"Dina."

And if I were to say,
"Marky..."

Marcie.

"You're gonna be
very disappointed in bed

"because Dan's downstairs
is not gonna do the trick."

I don't know
why you're laughing.

Frank's not that great
downstairs, either.

To me.

We play tennis together

and Frank is no big deal
down there.

He's right. Frank is not.

I have
a question, Dan.

Why is it that
you're playing tennis

with Frank pantsless?

This is not helping
our process.

- Thank you.
- Okay. Can we proceed?

She's not signing anything,
Your Honor, if I may.

Okay, I'm not a judge.

Remember, I said
this isn't a court of law.

My name is
Christine Davenport,

good friend to Deanna,

and I am here as a support,

and also I have been studying
lots of documents

on legalzoom.com.

Thank you.
Thank you for that.

But I just want
to get this over with.

Wow! Terrifying.

I want it on the record

that the accused are currently
in the process

of selling my client's home,

and not splitting
the proceeds.

Because the house
was 100% in Daniel's name.

- So...
- Okay...

That was our house, Dan.
You know that was our house.

I understand,
but we're gonna settle this,

and that's why
we're here, okay?

- Daniel...
- Don't interject.

Just don't be a weenie.

I'm not being a weenie.
I'm not being a weenie.

Well, that's debatable.
This is not...

This is not helping
our process.

There is no probable clause
to implicate this witness.

I move to dismiss.

I just want to say
for the record...

I just needed an upgrade
in my life, Deanna.

- You son of a...
- To me, please.

I'm sorry.
You son of a bitch.

No, you're the son of a bitch.

You're the son of a bitch.

You're the son of a bitch.

L Object!

I object. I'm not even
a judge. Okay.

I'm just gonna, uh...

I'm just gonna take a break.
Gotta strategize.

Are you coming back?

I refuse to disclose
information about my client.

Case adjourned.

Deanna!

We know what room she's in.
We don't need to yell.

- I like to yell!
- Let her yell.

Guys, why are we going
to see my mom right now?

Because we haven't
seen her

all week and we miss her.

Hey, Mom. What's up?

Hey, hey, what are you guys
doing in here?

What's wrong?

We filed
our paperwork today,

so your dad and I are
officially getting divorced.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.
I don't even like talking

to you about this stuff.

No, don't worry at all.

I just know
he's gonna fight me

on like every little thing,

so it's just
a little frustrating is all.

That looks really good.

Yeah, it used to be
in a can.

Can I say something?

- Just say it, Debbie.
- You can just say it.

Yes, honey.

We need to get you
jackhammer blasted.

I just am not really
in the mood

to kind of, you know,
hang out.

And I don't want
to impose. So...

Come on!

You're not imposing, Mom.

- I am imposing.
- No, you're not.

You're not imposing.

You just got some really rough
news and to be honest,

we both got really rough news.

But, you're in college now.

You gotta learn
how to party through it.

All right, girl. I'm gonna...

I'm gonna go to a party
with my mom. Let's do it.

I'm gonna be that girl!

Come on- I wanna
party with my mama

We all wanna
party with your mama

Party with your mama
Party with your mama

All right. I'm down to clown.

Dee Rock's down to clown!

I am also down to clown. I'm
always down to clown, really.

Really. It's just something
that I do all the time.

I like your vibe.

Why?

- Oh. It's pretty lively.
- Yeah, it's a party, Mom.

Well, it's also
a school night.

Dee, I think those guys
just checked you out.

- No, they weren't.
- Yes, they were.

They're probably just
looking at my smock.

It tends to catch
the light.

Oh, they're so young.

You know, I think
I'm too old to be here.

- No, you're fine.
- Come on! It'll be so fun.

Let's rock out
with our lady dongs out.

That...
That's not a thing.

Shots! Shots! Shots!

- What do we want?
- Full velocity!

Oh!

It's so loud in here.

I can barely
hear myself think.

Hey!

Oh,
there's your boyfriend.

Doesn't he look sharp?

- Yeah, let's go get a drink.
- Oh, stairs!

Yep.

I just wish you would have
let me bring a covered dish.

That would have been so weird.

No, it's weird
to not bring something.

- No, it's not.
- Hell no.

Hell no.

Maddie, you're not bringing
old people to this party.

Absolutely not.

No moms allowed.

Um, I will break your face.

No one will recognize you.

You'll die in a ditch.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, my mom needs a drink.

So back up
before I back you up!

I'm so proud of you
for owning your power.

Don't escalate it.

But wow! Impressive.

God, I don't know
what's sadder.

The mom perm

or the mom boobs.

Mom perm! Time-out, guys.

God-given curls.

All I'm doing is a little,
maybe a foam mousse,

a little spray, hot roller,

and I set it, and I forget it.

And secondly,

these allowed this one
to suckle at these teats

for 28 wonderful, wonderful

tender months.

I wear them
around my waist proudly.

This isn't the time.

I just feel like I don't know
if it's more pathetic

to party with your mom,

or to party
with your daughter.

Come on.
Let's do something cool.

Real cool. Bye, nerds.

Okay, this was lot of fun.

Um, but I want you to enjoy
yourselves tonight,

so I'm just gonna go.

- No! Come on!
- No!

- You can't leave!
- We're gonna have a good time.

I should not be here.
This is not a party for me.

If you go, evil wins!

Okay, you know what?

I have an idea.
Let's go to the bathroom.

- Oh, I don't have to tinkle.
- I think you do.

I think I'd know
if I had to tinkle.

Except that one time.

All right. Let's go.

Please tell me
you're not doing the cocaine.

Oh, my God! No!
Come on.

- No, I already told you.
- Get in there.

I do not have to go
to the bathroom.

Mom, you're a college girl now

and we gotta make
some changes.

- What does that mean?
- Let's start

- with these glasses.
- No!

You gotta start wearing
contact lenses.

This is horrible!

And then this, this is just...

Let's get this off.

- Come on, Mom.
- No! Oh, my God!

What has gotten into you?

- Don't fight it, Mom!
- Oh!

It's like a Band-Aid.
You gotta rip it off quickly.

All I have on
is my undershirt.

Yeah!

I'm gonna unbutton.

Not one, not two,

but three.

Not three buttons, no!

Look at your breasts!

- Mom!
- What?

I don't know what's happening.

Those are gorgeous!

Well, they're all right.

Maybe how about we just do
something about that hair,

just a little bit?

No! Oh, God,
it's full of hair.

Come on, it'll be fine.
Let me have it.

No! Oh, God, don't! No!

Hey, what's up?

You're that girl
in the coma, right?

Not anymore.

Yeah, I follow you on Twitter.

I don't date fans.

OKQY -

So beautiful.

Oh, God.
Now I've got a bare...

You know what I can't wear
is a bare lip.

What is that?

It's mauve.

Hmm.

You know I love mauve.

No, I'm not a fan. I just...

I got a lot of respect
for comas.

I like sleeping pretty long,
too, I guess.

Whoa.

Oh, God!
Are you in a coma again?

Oh, God, I gotta...
I gotta get help.

Can I look?
Can I look now?

Yes! I think you're done.

Mmm. Oh!

Hey! Wow!

My God! What are you, 20?

- Okay. I wouldn't go that far.
- I'm 21.

- Okay_

You know, I used to
wear my hair like this.

Eons ago,

when you were
in here.

You look so beautiful, Mom.

Wow!

You know what? Okay.

I think you're ready,
college girl.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I think let's go.

But let's leave
this because...

Let's never touch or talk
about that brush again.

OKQY -

- Thank you.
- Of course. I love you.

I love you, too.

Boom.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Aw. Get a room!

Just kidding, don't.
LOL. Hashtag.

- Hey, Miss Miles.
- Hi, how are you?

Good. You guys
both look amazing!

- Thank you.
- Oh, charmer.

I heard you're back
at school now,

-which is awesome.
- It is.

You get to party
with all of us.

Uh, well...

How about a drink
or something?

Let me introduce you
to my friend Jack.

Hi, I'm Jack.

Deanna.HL

Wow...

You have wonderfully
intricate hair.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Can I get you, uh,
something to drink?

Oh, um... Okay.

I would love a chardonnay,
maybe something oaky.

Um...

Did you pick up
the chardonnay?

We have some boxed wine.

We have some boxed wine.

- In a box?
- I don't know,

I'm sure it tastes
real cardboardy.

I'm sure it tastes
very cardboardy.

Well, really, it comes
in a plastic bladder

so it's not touching
the cardboard.

Yeah, I told him we should not

get anything
that comes in a bladder.

I'm the only one
who likes wine.

Oh, I love wine.

But, I don't like drinking it
out of bladders.

I don't blame you.

She'll just have a shot
and a beer, please. Thank you.

- Perfect.
- There we go.

Why not?

I'm here to get the full
college experience.

So, what is
the spirit du jour?

This is 100% agave tequila.

Agave! I use that
when I bake muffins.

- Okay.
- She loves to bake.

I do.

All right, let's do it.

What do we want?

Full velocity!

And equal work for equal pay.

On, God.

Oh, God.

That is aggressive.

That's just burning.

It's burning all the way down.

Let's just follow my lead
and we'll do this again, okay?

We'll try it again.

All right. What do we want?

Full velocity!

Oh,
and cleaner oceans.

Our coral reefs
are dying, guys.

No. Uh... Miss Miles...

Look, Miss Miles, uh,
coral reefs

and equal work for equal pay,
all great things.

But at our parties,

when somebody says,
"What do we want,"

we just say, "Full velocity."

You don't need
to say anything else.

It's more
of a party tradition.

Oh, okay. So, it's just
a flat answer of full...

- Velocity.
- Velocity.

- Okay.
- You ready?

Well...

Third time's
the charm, right?

What do we want?

Full velocity!

And full maternity leave

for non-gender specific
working parents.

And full velocity!

Where's my mom?

Oh, she's over there
busting it out.

Hi, honey!

Hi!

Oh!

I feel that
in my C-section scar!

- Are you okay?
- Ooh, yeah.

It's not over.
It's full velocity!

Let's go! Come on, guys!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Mom!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

You don't have
to make a big deal.

Don't jump to conclusions.

You don't know
what's happening here.

Really?
Because it looks like

my mother is doing the walk
of shame out of a frat house.

Well, okay,
I guess technically

that's what's happening.
Let's just go.

Let's get out of here.
Oh, my God!

I don't think
you've gotta rub it in...

Oh! Fella, close your robe.

Okay, can we please
just get out of here?

Aren't they gonna
serve breakfast?

No, they're not gonna
serve breakfast.

This isn't the Hilton.

I knew that.
But I thought maybe

they'll have a bagel spread
or something.

My God!

Oh, my God!

My foot keeps
charley horsing...

I can't even
get my boots back on.

I guess that's what I get

for getting my toes
curled last night.

- Ugh.
- And I mean curled.

Mom, please stop!

I think it was
mutually enjoyable

for both parties.
I mean, I had fun.

He enjoyed himself.
He kept yelling,

"Please, more!"

I thought he was doing a scene
from Oliver!

"Please, more."

Wait. I heard that
through the wall,

and I thought he was
saying, "cheese store"

and I was very confused.

One time we were playing

kind of a cheesemonger

and I was
a poor peasant girl...

That's disgusting, Mom.

- No! It was fun.
- Mom!

And I love cheese.

I love you so much.

Have I asked you once
about any of this?

No. You just keep blabbing.

I'm asking you to please
be quiet and stop talking.

Okay. I think we should keep
communication lines open.

You know what?
I'm older, I'm wiser.

This, essentially a Google.

Right down here,
where you came from.

I'm like
the Google of vaginas.

It's, "Ask me anything,
please."

Turn off your vagoogle.

It can't be turned off.

Okay, I don't like it.
You're scaring me,

and you're scaring
everyone around you.

I think... I think my vagoogle
scared Jack last night.

- Oh, my God!
- But in a good way.

Like when you intentionally
go through a haunted house.

Ew!

Not saying...

You know what I mean.

Please, I just don't wanna
talk about your vagoogle.

All right.

I've got a little pop quiz
for you here.

But don't worry
I promise to grade it

pharaoh and squaraoh.

Hey, I, uh,
I've got to tell you,

your work so far
is impeccable.

This department is lucky
to have you back.

Oh, my gosh.
Wayne, thank you so much.

- It's still my passion.
- I know.

I guess once a dighead,
always a dighead.

Yes,
you certainly are.

Guess that makes me
a dighead, too.

Okay. My advice to you
is to crack a book, all right?

You are failing this class
in spectacular fashion.

Oh...

And I would love to see you
on a dig one day.

That makes two of us

wanting to see me on a dig.
That's... Thank you.

It's a lovely sediment.

No. I did not.
I did it, though.

You're gonna make me become
Stone-unhinged.

No, you get out.

Anyway, I can't wait to see
your midterm presentation.

Well, I'm pretty excited
for you to read it.

Oh, no, no.
It's an oral presentation.

It's a...
What is it?

Instead of doing it
with your hands,

you present your work

with your mouth and tongue.

Okay. You're gonna be great.

Just keep up the good work.

What's the matter?

I'm just not fond
of speaking in public.

Okay, let's get
started on those quizzes.

You have 15 minutes,
so do not dally.

Dee Dee.

- Hey, Jack.
- Hey! I, um...

I saw Maddie
and she said that

you were gonna
be in here studying.

Um... So, I got you a coffee.

Thank you, Jack.
That's so nice of you.

I couldn't find
any chardonnay, so...

It's probably
for the best.

Hey, have you been
getting my texts?

Oh. Um...

You know what?

I usually turn off
my little chimey alert.

Yeah. You gotta be quiet in
the library, right?

Oh.

Wow. That...

That's a lot of texts, Jack.

- Now that I'm here...
- Yeah.

Yeah, I can just tell you.

I, uh...

I kind of can't stop
thinking about you.

Jack, that is so sweet.

You wanna know what I can't
stop thinking about?

Us. Me and you,
we leave this school.

We can go backpacking
across Europe.

Me and you.
Eat Pray Love style.

I can bartend,
we'll make it work...

Jack.

Years ago, somebody asking me
to do that with them

would have been
an absolute dream,

but I can't travel
with a backpack anymore.

I need luggage with wheels.

Imean, I...

Even my carry-on
has wheels, Jack.

My hips can't really
sustain a backpack.

They're never the same
after childbirth, you know.

But it's such
a wonderful offer

and you're such
a terrific guy,

but I think
what we had the other night

was really kind of a one-time
special thing.

Uh-oh.

- That was amazing!
- That was so nice.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God.

You are my sexual Dumbledore.

What does that mean?

Dumbledore,
he's from Harry Potter.

You know, Harry Potter's,
like, mentor,

he's got the beard,
and he's got the hat.

Dumbledore.

I'm gonna stop you
right there.

Um...

This is just, kind of...

This will ride you
through life.

I don't think ever
there's a woman

that's gonna
want you to say,

that during
a sexual encounter,

you're thinking of her
as an old,

gray, grizzled wizard.

Ah!

- Yeah.
- Oh! Um...

Okay. I'm sorry.

So good up until you called me
an old, gray, male wizard.

So, no wizards.
Wizard talk's gone.

All right.

Okay. Well, um...

- I'm gonna...
- See you later?

No, no, no.

That was the last time...

Oh, you said that earlier.

L know...

But your wrist got involved
and I got distracted. So...

Last time. Okay.

Okay, that's it.
And we're done.

It's a clean break.

You know what? Just a finale.

Okay. I'll text you.

Okay, I'll miss that.
I'll miss that.

Okay, you go that way.
I'll go this way.

Oh.

Oh, my God!

Oh.

Come on, come on, come on.

- Hello?
- What are you doing?

I think my forks
have oxidized.

I'm just...
I'm trying to get it off.

Why, what are you doing?

I just had sex in the library.

What?

I just had sex in the library.

You had what?

I just had sex in the library.

You had sex in a library?

- Frank.
- No, don't tell Frank.

Deanna just had sex
in a public place.

What? Where?

In the stacks!

In her slacks?

No. Shut up, Frank.

Oh, hang on for one second.

You know what? I have to go.

- I'll call you later.
{LAUGHS

Can you believe this, Frank?

Good for Deanna.

- Oh, Frank.
- Hmm.

Why don't we
ever have sex in public?

Because, honey, last time
you blew your knee out,

and I had to carry you
out of Six Flags.

Oh.

But I do like those
fuzzy socks.

On, Frank.

Thanks for coming, Mom.
Debbie's really freaking out.

It sounded serious.
I'm gonna make my lasagna.

Okay...

Hey, Debbie.

Do you think
you're ready to maybe

start talking about it now?

She went to a job fair
and now she's all freaked out.

I thought fairs
were supposed to be fun.

This one wasn't fun at all.

I don't even know what I
really wanna do with my life.

Why did I study kinesiology?

That's, uh... I mean,
that's basically

like physical therapy, right?

Kind of, but not as useful.

It's the theoretical study
of human movement.

Okay. Wow.

I can see that does feel

slightly limited
in employment opportunities.

I took out $45,000
in student loans

and what am I ready for?
Nothing.

Okay, come on.

You can't make such a big deal
out of everything.

Ladies, you gotta have
a little faith in yourselves.

I spent 2O years
just giving it all away.

I worried about
what other people thought.

I worried about what they
thought I should be doing.

Never what I thought.
Look at me now.

I'm living in a dorm
with a roommate

that I'm pretty sure
watches me while I sleep.

I got the clothes on my back.
I got nothing.

The last 20 years of my life
have been a real shit show.

Thank you.

Not meaning you... I mean...

You know what I mean.

Give me those fingers.

Every single little thing
about you is a dream.

I wouldn't change any of that.

The rest, I would like to
rewind that clock,

and 2O years ago start
speaking up for myself,

so that's my point.

You gals are terrific.
You're not quitters.

I'm afraid I'm never gonna be
in a real relationship.

Amanda! Come on!

Come on!

I'm so sorry.

Honey, if you can't use

what the good Lord made you
and make that work,

then what the hell hope

-do any of us have?
- None.

You're all amazing.
I mean, look at you.

You're all lovely here
and you're smart

and you're wonderful,

and you're weird,
in the best way.

My God! Look at Carol's legs.

Legs for days.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Just enjoy them,
for God's sakes.

We all have to realize
everybody's great, right?

And this is good. Okay?
And this is good,

and this is good,
and these are good.

And this is... My God!

Mom, do not touch
Amanda's butt.

You know what
it makes me think of?

It's like a three-day-old
loaf of bread.

It's firmer, but it's kept
its original shape.

I think I've just been looser
structurally.

Oh, you know,
I could explain to you

the differences
in your bodies.

But only as it pertains
to movement.

Look what's happening
right now.

Look what's happening...

You're using your degree.

You're doing it!

I am.

You guys, there is
a party tonight

at Deltas
and it's '80s themed.

So ladies,
time to crush a party.

Oh, I brought
my dress-up trunk.

I told you we should have
done Dynasty.

Why do they all look so good?

- Welcome to the '80s!
- Thank you.

Hey! Theta Gammas!

Hi, there! Well...

I'm not officially a member.

I'm a little too young
to join a sorority.

No!

- Don't drink that.
- Oh.

This is a 2017
Italian chardonnay.

Jack...

Yeah, it's truly
one of a kind.

Very oaky, very buttery.

Because it was a hot and
dry fall this year in Italy.

So, the grapes are very,
very succulent.

Well, far be from me to turn
down a succulent grape.

You're being really weird
with the grape descriptions.

It's lovely. It really is.

Hey, Grandma.

Hey, Jack, could you help me
track down a drink?

Okay, Jennifer,
there's a keg out back.

There's also boxed wine.

You know what?
I think we're gonna go

take a little spin around,

try to figure out
who shot J.R.

Someone was shot?

No! God, no, it's from Dallas.

It's a television program.

Okay, I'll explain it.

Hey, if there's anything else
I can get for you,

seriously, anything.
More wine,

anything honestly,
just let me know.

Okay, thanks, Jack.

And I love
what's left of your top.

So, what's your deal, man?

I don't know.

She makes me so nervous.
Can you tell?

Yeah.

I know this one.

- Oh. No, Mom.
- I know this one.

Uh-oh.
- Get it!

- Your mom can dance?
- I guess so.

Ooh.

It's a car!

Yeah, I can see that.

Oh, yes, Morn!

What a woman!

You're doing so well!

I'm so hot.

You know so many moves!

Get back in there. Go get her!

- Oh
- ALL: B00!

I got hair hit.

I'm good!

I'm so happy you're here.

I am too, honey!

OKQY -

Hi! You need some friends
and some vitamin D.

Okay, pal.
Sunscreen's on my desk.

Thank you, best friend.

Whoa! Come on, girls!

This is our moment!

Ow!

- Hi, Dee!
- Hi, guys!

Rebecca, I'll see you in lab.

- There she is.
- Hi!

Ooh!

No legs!

Yeah!

Yes!

Hey, Dee!

Have a good day.

Bye, Jack.

Shh! Be careful.

I can't see
out of my holes!

Guys, why did I
have to do this?

Just hold her up,

so we can
get her head in there.

Aw. Kidnapping?

- No! Leonor!
- Come on.

NO!

Hello?

Oh.

Deanna Miles,

welcome to your trial by fire.

What is that device that's
making your voice so strange?

It's a voice modulator!

Everybody,
take off your masks.

Oh, my face got
so hot under there.

Oh, God, Debbie,
what's wrong with your face?

Oh, I'm allergic to latex.

Then why would you
put the mask on?

I just wanted to be
a team player.

Deanna Miles,
are you ready to become

an honorary member
of Theta Mu Gamma?

Really? Is that
what this is about?

Wow, ladies! I mean,
as long as it's...

Is that okay with Maddie?

It was my idea, Mom.

Maddie Miles,
please untie your mother.

Am I supposed to act scared
or anything or can I...

- No.
- Okay.

- Just be yourself.
- Okay.

Thank you, honey.

Linda, please bring forth
the candle.

Where's Linda?

Oh.

Welcome.

Thank you, Linda.

Now you will be presented
with the sacred paddle.

Welcome, Dee Rock.

Carol, your brushwork
is absolutely lovely.

They're actually just
stickers, but still.

Maddie, please
spank your mother

with the ceremonial paddle.

No, I'm not...
I'm not paddling my mother.

Oh, come on, Maddie.

Maddie, team player!

You know what? I have to ask.

Has everybody else
been paddled?

Because I don't wanna be
the stick in the mud.

Should I crouch?

I'm assuming I should
take a crouched position.

I crouched.

I want the full
Greek experience

because
I've always wondered...

Ow!

God, that hit bone!

- Mom.
- Maddie!

I'm sorry.

Mom.

Oh! ls someone
still hitting me?

I'm not touching you!

I feel it!

They're like phantom pains
except they're real.

Get off of me!

Oh, God.

I thought I was gonna vomit.

No.

I'm sorry

if I may have raised my voice.

Are you okay, Dee Rock?

Oh, it's like
when you stub a toe.

You just... You skyrocket,

and then 30 seconds later,

you didn't lose the toe

which you swore
30 seconds earlier,

"I'm gonna lose the toe."

Right? We've all been
at that bedpost.

Are you ready to continue?

- I'd love to.
- All right.

By the power vested in me

by this great state
and educational facility,

I declare you a member
of Theta Mu Gamma.

Oh, my gosh!

I just wanna say, I mean,
pound sign, hashtag gratitude.

Right here.

And there's cake upstairs!

Cake!

Oh.

She's allergic.

Honey, you're allergic.

Not tonight!

All right.

Exciting day.
Hello to you, class.

I am very much
looking forward

to discovering the treasure
of your midterm presentations.

You're not gonna
laugh at that?

It's funny. I'm just...

I'm too nervous about
this presentation. I can't.

Uh, okay, tell you what.
Why don't we start off with,

no offense
to the rest of you,

my favorite student...

Oh, God. I gotta get some air.

Oh, don't worry about it.
It's me.

I'm clearly his favorite.

Excuse me.

Deanna Miles, would you
get us started, please?

on, God!

I'm... Um...

- You wanna...
- No.

I know you're gonna
knock our socks off.

- Uh...
- Thank you.

Deanna Miles is gonna
start us off, everybody.

Uh, lights.

Oh.

Oh, I didn't expect that.

Hello.

Oh, God.

Sorry.

Oh.

I didn't... Is it a crank?

It's a crank.

I'm sorry, I just need to...

Reorganize.

I'm here to... Oh, God!

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Is it part of
the core curriculum

that I must use the podium?

Of course not. No, not at all.

Okay. I'm going to opt

to not use that.

She's totally pitting out.

She's gonna be fine.

I'm here...

Too loud, too loud.

I'm here to discuss,

not an exciting find
but rather an exciting truth.

The tomb of Attila the Hun,

thought to be in Budapest,
Hungary

in 2014,

but was in fact a hoax.

But how do we know?

How do we know?

Ms. Miles, are you okay?

Oh, yes. I'm fine.
It's just...

You know what, if I could just

maybe get into a couple
of those tissues...

Oh, of course, of course.

- I'm sorry.
- No.

You may wanna check
with your HVAC guy

because somethings
going on in here.

- Thank you.
- You've got...

Thank you. That's better.

Tissue.

Oh, my God.

Historically...

Historically, the Huns have...

Could I just have
a small sip of water

from someone? Um...

Do you mind if I just...

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Don't be a dick now.

That is surprisingly

challenging my body.

- Wayne!
- Deanna.

Oh, girl.

I think it's okay now.

So sorry for that.

RUmschtein
discovered a tomb

allegedly that had
many human skeletons,

and there was many various

different kinds of
horse skeletons,

i.e., carcasses...

To enable them to come
into the next dimension.

Are there any questions...

%THUDS)
%GROANS)

- Deanna?
- No. Okay, uh...

Ms. Miles! Ms. Miles!

Dee Rock!

How did I do?

Girl, you sweat
through your pants.

Oh, no. I love these pants.

Well,
it was the first time

I've taken a look
at his entire portfolio.

And, uh, I looked at him
and I said,

"Tom, your 401 K
is 401 not okay."

Interesting.

Sounds like a really
exciting business.

I'm glad to see you.

- Yeah, me, too.
- I'm glad you called me.

You're being quiet tonight.
What is it?

No, I'm enjoying the wine,
and the neat banter.

Oh, my God. We are too old
and boring for you now.

- Don't say that.
- I knew it.

- That's not true.
- Don't dump me.

- I'm not gonna dump you.
- I mean it.

I will leave Frank.
I will, in a heartbeat.

And I don't give two rat's
asses about Amy and Bill.

Excuse me?

Yourjokes make me
wanna kill myself.

They're not very good.

No, they're the worst.

That's... That's fair.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

- Those pricks are here.
- Who?

They can't see me.

Where are you going?
What are you doing?

Maybe they're going
the other...

I did not know
they were gonna be here.

Well...

Oh, here it is.
Found my contact.

Hey, gang.
What's the good word?

Hi!

Oh.

What a surprise!
I didn't know you were here.

- You guys know Marcie, right?
- Yeah.

I don't think
I introduced you.

- Hi. Hello.
- Very nice to meet you.

Pleasure. It's great.

What is... What is
on your lobe, Dan?

Oh. It's an earring.
It works for Harrison Ford.

Sure does.

Harrison Ford blew up

the Death Star
and freed a galaxy.

What have you done, Dan?

Six-minute abs. He completed

the 30-day challenge
of six-minute abs.

My goal is
to have a washboard.

Now Deanna,
what are you up to?

You still pretending
to go to college?

Because you know Dan can't
foot that bill forever.

What was the word we learned
in Italy for "pathetic"?

- I don't remember anymore.
- I do.

It was Deanna.

Pathetico in Italian.
Pathetic, pathetico.

Bill, you look like
Orson Welles

had a stroke
and stayed that way.

Not the first time
I've heard it.

God, I hate him so much.
I hate him so much.

He's hateable.

Deanna, I wanted to

speak to you privately
for a second.

No. I don't have
any time for you,

and I will never have any time
for you again.

Fine. Uh, well,
I was going to say,

Marcie and I have
some big news.

We're getting married
next week.

Small ceremony
but super classy.

Mazel tov!

Shut up, Bill!

What the hell
is wrong with you?

They said they were
getting married.

Mazel tov!

Read the room, Bill.

Thank you. That was very kind.
I'm not Jewish, but thank you.

This is a bona fide shit show.

- Oh, jeez.
- Oh.

I was hoping
for a "congratulations."

Uh, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Can I get you started
with any appetizers...

Jack.

- What?
- Deanna.

You look stunning.

On, I don't know.

on, urn...

- This is, uh, my mom.
- What?

Mom, this is who I was
telling you about. The girl.

- No.
- What?

- No! No!
- What am I hearing?

What's happening?

Jack, you told me
you were seeing

a college girl named Dee Dee.

Yeah, she came
to the frat house

and we met at a party.

That's not what you meant.

Oh, gosh!

- She had sex with your son!
- Oh.

She had sex with your son
and she called me right after.

Because we are friends!

Oh, my goodness!

Everybody, she slept
with her son in a library.

This is the greatest thing
I've ever been a part of.

- Cheers.
- I get it.

It's just a cruel joke.
It's cruel, and you're right.

You know what?
I might deserve it.

I've been rough on you,
but come on,

seriously, did you have
intercourse with my son?

Oh. Did you?

I mean, in terms of, you know,
your question of like,

did anything
happen between us?

Have we slept together?

Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Yeah, we have.

And I rocked his world.

- Oh, my God!
- Come on.

Well, best night of my life.

I'll drink t0 that.

All right. Bye, Jack.

That's my girl.
That's my lady.

Nice to finally
meet you, Jack.

I love you!

I love you. You're my hero!

Whoo!

I'm gonna
check on Dee Dee.

- Dee Rock!
- Dee!

Dee, where are you?
Oh, there she is!

Hi! How are you?

I heard you had
sex in here!

- So good to see you.
- Oh, my God, you guys.

Shh! What are you doing here?

We're hereto get you
out of here.

No. Why?

Because your ding-dong
of an ex-husband's

getting married tonight.

You were really here
for our girl

when she was freaking out.

You've been there
for all of us.

Let us be there for you.

My friend, Lance,
who I was in a coma with,

is having a gathering
this evening.

His place is kind of a dump,
but it'll be fun!

No, you know what?
I'm pretty much partied out.

I just wanna stay in
for the night

-and hit the books.
- Please!

I'm sorry, Dee. I'm sorry.
I'm not taking this.

You should not
be alone tonight. So...

No!

I'm afraid you don't
have an option.

Yeah, this is not
like those other parties.

It's jazz night!

Okay. You know what?

You're right.
I stay here any longer

I'm just gonna keep thinking
about that wedding.

Yeah, she's probably
getting her dress on.

Hair and makeup,
going over her vows.

Okay, you know what?
Let's just go.

No! No.

Oh. You know, Lance,
I have to say,

you have a lovely home here.

Are you sure
tonight is a party?

Sorry. Lance, what's going on?
Where is everybody?

- You promised me a jazz party.
- I know.

You got people doing
role-playing games.

Tuesday night is jazz.

Thursday night
is role-playing.

I know. I know. It's my bad.

I tried to combine them

and I'm regretting
that choice now

because I feel like
I'm losing the jazz crowd,

and I've also lost
the role-playing crowd.

Ugh. Taking a ding
on both sides.

Yeah, it's like
a double loss, really.

You know what?
I'm having a wonderful time,

and I have to say... Uh-oh.

I cannot stay
out of this unbelievable...

You are quite
a gifted chocolatier.

They're really good.

I don't usually
like chocolate.

I just started eating
because I was nervous,

but it's really good.

Um, it is a weed bark.

So, maybe, I would probably
hold off from having any more.

- Just 'cause, um...
- What is it?

I have a medicinal
marijuana card,

uh, for early-onset glaucoma.

- No.
- Yeah.

- No, it's not.
- Oh, it most certainly is.

Lance, damn it! Why'd you
put out chocolate weed bark?

You gotta label that.

I am so sorry. It is...

I've had 14,
I've eaten a lot of bark.

I've eaten a lot of bark, too.

- So much bark.
- So much bark.

I just wanted to hear
some Miles Davis, you know.

I'm sorry.

Is that it?

Because I'm starting to feel
a little fungly.

Yeah, it's pretty
powerful stuff.

Fungly. FUF19le-
Fungly. Fungus.

You have such pretty eyes.

Thank you.

My tongue is so big.

The final countdown

That was recognizable.

Really good jam.

- Can I get in here?
- Please.

Oh, it's so comfy.

Okay, wait.

I was thinking
about something

and if I do marry Jack...

No! Just listen. Wait.

That would make
Marcie my stepmom,

and that would make
Dan my new stepdad.

And then I would
have to say things like,

"Nuh-uh, Dan.
You're not my real dad.

"You can't tell me what to do.

"Give me the car!"

Or, wait a minute,

-or I could flip it.
- Mmm.

And I could make
peace with Dan.

What a great
teaching lesson

that would be for Maddie,

to see forgiveness and
truly being the better person.

- That's better.
- You're so smart.

We gotta go
to that wedding.

Are we doing it?

Oh, my God. We're doing it.

Dan, when I first
saw you,

I thought the curb appeal
wasn't great.

The layout was a bit dated

and the kitchen a little small
for my liking.

Dee Rock, good for you.

You're being
the better person.

Thank you.
That's the whole plan.

I'm gonna see Dan,
I'm gonna shake his hand,

I'm gonna extend
an olive branch to him...

What?

He's taking her name!

Men don't do that.

I tried to do that
and he told me it was silly.

That is a very
alarming picture.

Hey! I think that's...

- Is that a shot at me?
- Uh, yeah.

- I think so.
- Hmm.

You know what? Dan
just lost his olive branch.

One second. One second.

Deanna, what the hell
is wrong with you?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Hey, Dan.

Marcie...

You're a big
Beetlejuice fan, huh?

Mom!

Hey, honey.

That's, uh...

I think we may have, um,
just gotten slightly...

You know, I think if we all
kind of work together,

we can have this shipshape

and you won't even know,
or it will be better.

Mom, why did you do this?

Um... You know...

It's a great, uh, question.

I mean,
I actually came here

fully with the intention
of offering an olive branch.

Then I don't know
if it was the crazy

wedding propaganda
in the hallway,

or was it the bark high
that I'm on.

Shut up.
You are, as of this moment,

completely financially
cut off.

- What?
- Not one more penny for you.

- Dad.
- Shh.

Would it help if I just...
You know...

You did a good job.

It looks good.

- It did. It did look good.
- It was pretty.

I think you all should leave.

- Okay.
- Sorry.

The other way. Oh.

Get out!

Thank you.

The cake was really good.

Oh, you got a blender.

Hey! Look!
I got your favorite.

You haven't been returning
any of my calls.

Yeah, I've been pretty busy

destroying hotel banquet rooms
and crashing weddings.

Okay. I get you're upset.

No, Mom. I don't think you do.

Is this why
you went back to college?

So you could act like
some dumb frat guy?

Because I actually thought
you wanted to learn something.

But you've just been
getting stoned

and sleeping with guys
half your age.

Okay, Jack is not half my age.

Oh, my God, I think
he's less than half my age.

Okay, I hear you
and you're right.

Which is why
I'm leaving school.

What?

I'm gonna
drop out of school, honey.

You know it wasn't that easy
for me

getting used to
you being here.

And now I actually did
and you're just giving up?

You always said that

the one thing you regret
most in your life

is not finishing school,

and now you're gonna
do it again?

You know what I regret?

I regret that
when you look back

on your senior year
of college,

all you're gonna think about

is your mom's
crazy midlife crisis.

That's what I regret.

The worst part is
I don't think I was

being a very good mom
to you lately.

And I'm so sorry about that.

No, it's okay.

It's not okay, actually.

Not one bit. Not with me,
shouldn't be with you.

And I'm gonna do better.

- I love you, Mom.
- I love you, too.

You're so great.

- What are we gonna do?
- Well...

You can start
by drinking that.

Let's go round up the girls
and tell them all about it.

I don't get it.
Why are you leaving school?

Well, I'm in a bit of a tricky
position, financially.

So, for right now,

I can't cover
my tuition and it's over.

It's never over!

Was it over
when I fell into a coma?

Well, for eight years, it was.

That's an awesome point,
Amanda.

But now I'm back
and I'm kicking ass.

Just like Dee Rock here.

She's gonna kick ass
and graduate and get a job

and become
the next Indiana Jones.

- Come here.
- Please don't go.

You guys, we can't let this

happen to my mom
a second time.

She deserves to graduate.
We gotta help her.

Okay. In order to finish,

Dee Rock needs
in the neighborhood of...

No, it's almost $12,000.

Oh, my God!

I don't have
that kind of money.

You know what?
This isn't your problem

to solve, ladies.
You can let this go!

Can I say something?

Yes, Debbie, just say it.

Okay, we throw a party
to raise money

to keep Glenn in school.

Deb, we can't raise that much
money from a party.

We don't throw just any party.

We throw the best party
this school has ever seen.

If we charge
$40 a head...

- A thousand students...
- Okay.

That is $4,000.

- No, it's not.
- No. That's $40,000.

What? Done!

A bunch of kids
are not gonna pay $40

to keep some divorcee
in college.

No, but they might pay 20.

Which i5 $200,000.

No, $20,000.

- Helen, come on.
- No, honey.

But that's way more
money than we need

to keep Mom in school.

What do you say, Mom?

- Come on, Glenn.
- Please.

I say you ladies
are pretty remarkable.

I mean, to be this age,

and to have your whole world
turned upside down,

and to come out with friends
like you on the other side

is quite a thing. Really.

I'm proud to be your sister.

I'm so proud to be your mom,
and I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you.

And I'm so worried about
the math skills in this room.

I don't mean
to single you out,

but Helen, I'm staring
right down the barrel at you.

And I'm starting to think
that maybe

this party plan
just might work!

Come on, Mom.

No! I don't know!

All right, I'm down to clown!

This is going to be epic!

No one wants to show up first
to a party.

I'm sure lots of people
are gonna come.

Guess everyone's at the
Christina Aguilera concert.

- What? That's tonight?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.
We don't stand a chance.

All right, ladies,

we gotta do something drastic.

Because this is not working.

I don't wanna be
a negative Nelly,

but that is a tough pic, guys.

You look happy
and scared.

I do, don't I? Oh.

- All right.
- I like it.

Screw this.
Give me your phone.

Why? What do you want?

I'm gonna tweet out
a juicier carrot.

- Maddie!
- You're crazy.

What is it? What did you do?

I just tweeted to Helen's
three million followers

that Christina Aguilera
is gonna come

to the party
after her concert tonight.

Oh, my God!
0h, my God! Oh, my God!

I love Christina Aguilera!

She's the only person
I ever had a poster of.

She's not actually coming,
Debbie.

But nobody needs to know that.

How do you have
three million followers?

Oh. Coma Girl.
I'm a medical mystery.

Now, Maddie, I don't know.

There's a real fibbing element
to that that I don't like.

Do you think it'll work?

I believed it.

I think
it's definitely working.

Hell yeah, it is.

Hey, here you go. Have fun!

Thanks for posting
about Christina.

I couldn't get tickets.

- Coma Girl rules.
- Oh. Thank you!

All right.

Thank you.

It's amazing.

I'm tired of doing this.

No, Helen, we can't all...

Hey! When's Christina
getting here?

- Guys...
- Yeah.

Christina's coming.

She's the voice
of our generation.

- True.
- We can wait for her.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Mmm!

- Oh, it's good!
- Not bad!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Do you wanna meet
in the garage in 2O minutes?

- Yes, I do.
- Yes, you would.

No! No. No.

God, make better choices.
Um...

Hey, come on back.

That popped
right out of my mouth

when actually
I meant to say,

we're not gonna do that.

You don't like
the wine, huh?

No, the wine is great

and you're great and...

I just think when you meet
the right person,

which is not me,

and she's gonna be really,
really lucky,

but I think that we're...

Yeah, we should just really be
good friends.

I don't think I can get
on board with this, Dee.

Well, I think
it's for the best.

35; 3' '1'

Yeah, if you say so.

- Hey, Mom, look who's here!
- Hi!

Hi, what are you doing here?

Well, I started following
Coma Girl on Twitter

and I came to see...

Xtina!

Oh, hi, Jack. I'm Christine.

We met at the restaurant.

Yeah, hi. I remember you both.

My man.

God, I just wanna go back
to college so bad.

Okay, just, go back to Frank.
Go back to Frank.

Hey, hey! We're here.

Oh, my God!
What are they doing here?

I don't wanna be at a party
with my mom and dad.

Yeah, that must be
so weird for you, Mom.

- Mom. Hi.
- Sweetheart!

Hi. Hey, Dad.

We heard
you were having a party.

So I made a taco salad.

Yeah, I told her
a bunch of kids

don't want a taco salad.

I would love
to have some taco salad.

Please, yeah!

- I love taco salad.
- See, I told you!

Okay. All right.

Your... Your parents?

Uh, yeah.
This is my mom and dad,

Mike and Sandy.

- Yeah.
- Hello.

Wow! Um...

Wow!

A lovely, lovely couple.

It's such a pleasure
to meet you.

You've raised, I mean, wow!
What an incredible woman!

- Uh...
- Sorry, I'm Jack Strong.

We've been seeing each other
for a little bit now. Um...

I guess we're kind of
on a break. Pretty recent.

But I want you both to know

that I'm gonna take
the best care

of your daughter that I can.

- She means the world to me.
- Okay.

I have a gun, son.

- Okay. Okay.
- No.

We're just gonna walk off.

- Are you kidding me?
- No.

Taco salad train.
Choo-choo!

Hey, where's
Christina Aguilera?

This is false advertising!

Guys,
she's coming, okay?

Yeah, she's gonna
be here soon.

Hey, uh. I saw your tweet.

Where's Xtina?

She's not gonna show up,
is she?

You guys suck!

If Christina
doesn't show soon...

Ooh.

I'm gonna put your ass
in another coma.

Count of three, bitch.

One, two...

Look, honey, we love you.

We want you to graduate.

This is for you.

What is...
MADDIEI Oh, my God!

- No. No.
- Yep.

I love you so much,
but I'm not gonna let you

take apart
your 401 K for this.

I got this.

Honey, come on...

- Hey! Hey!
- Hey!

Eat gluten!

I ain't allowed
to have gluten!

Oh, my God!

Frank, do something!

- What am I gonna do?
- I don't know! Do something.

Come on, girls!

Ladies! Hey!
Let's break it up!

On!

You!

Her skull
is so strong.

Oh, sweetheart,
you were so brave.

Oh, that's my brave man.

Come on, let's go make love
in the bathroom.

Okay. I can't see, so you'll
have to just lead me.

There we go.

No! Stop fighting, girls!

- Say night-night.
- No! No!

No!

Oh, boy!

- Oh, my God, Mom!
- Dee Dee!

- Dee Dee!
- No, no, no!

- She got me in the biscuits!
- Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

You punched Dee Rock?

I'm gonna squish you
like a grape!

Guys, stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!

God!

Ladies, we have enough stuff
to worry about as women.

You shouldn't be
fighting each other.

I'm sorry, Dee Rock.

I'm sorry that I punched you
in the mom boob.

- Tell each other sorry.
- I'm sorry, Dee Rock.

Thank you.

Would you care
for a Kahlua and cranberry?

EW! That...

I would do it.
I would do it. Yeah.

_I 01:31:05,385
I want one.

Mom, are you okay?

She popped me
right in the bosom.

I really got T-boned.

- Oh, Morn.
- You know...

What am I doing here?

I'm lying to these kids.

I'm taking their money. I...

I got this.

Hey, everybody, you know what?

Party's over.

Head on back to the door.
We're gonna give you a refund.

Christina Aguilera
is in no way...

Hey, can I see you
for a second?

God bless!

Leonor or Lenore,

you gotta stop doing that.

Can I see you for a second?

Now is not really a good time.

Outside! Now!

Don't make
eye contact.

Look at me.
Look me in my eyes.

- Look me in my eyes now.
- Debbie.

I'm scared.

Look. Look, look.

Come outside.

Let's go.

- If I'm going, you're going.
- I don't wanna go.

We're stronger
as a group.

Leonor.

Leonor, what is going on?

Hey, guys. I'm Christina.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

I love you.
I love you so much!

I love you, too.

How... How is this happening?

I knew she wasn't
playing at your party

because Christina's my cousin.

Oh. We're more like sisters.

She always says that,
but we're just cousins.

Isn't she so funny?

That's what I'm always
saying to you.

I'm always saying
you're so funny.

I just can't
kind of figure out

why you're doing this.

Because you're a good lady.

I mean, you're a sad,
older lady,

but you're still a good lady
that needs help.

And us
ladies gotta stick together.

She filled me in about,
you know, you being here.

I support your cause.

- I wanna do this.
- Thank you. God, you're cool!

Where are we doing this thing?

Backyard. We just put up
some twinkle lights.

Love twinkle lights,
but I've got my own lights.

Boys, bring them out.
Let's go!

Donald, Craig, Jerry,
let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my cousin,

Christina Aguilera.

Get it, girl!

After all you put me through

You'd think I'd despise you

But in the end,
I wanna thank you

Because you've made me
that much stronger

Well, I thought I knew you
Thinkin' that you were true

Guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff

Whoo!

- Oh, my God! We're up here!
- Yes!

You were there by my side

Always down for the ride

But your joyride
just came down in flames

Because your greed
sold me out in shame

Mm-hmm

After all of the stealing
and cheating

You probably think that
I hold resentment for you

But uh-uh, oh no, you're wrong

Because if it wasn't for all
that you tried to do

I wouldn't know

Just how capable I am
to pull through

Yeah! We got it!
You got the money!

Because it makes me
that much stronger

Makes me work
a little bit harder

It makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me
a fighter

This is the best night
of my life!

Made my skin
a little bit thicker

Makes me that...

Much smarter

So thanks for making me
a fighter

It seems... I got it now.

- Got it?
- Yeah.

May I just have a minute?

I just...
I wanted to thank you

for giving me a second chance.

It means a lot to me.

Oh, of course.
It's only because

it's a requirement
to pass the course.

That and the fact that
you're my favorite student.

Well.

Break a leg.

- Let's hope not.
- Yeah, sorry.

Um, Deanna Miles, everybody.

Thank you.

Also, this is here
if you need it.

Thank you.

Hello.

March 25th, 2014,
historian Albert...

Albrecht Rumschtein
announced

that the burial tomb
of Attila the Hun

had been discovered
in Budapest, Hungary.

Now, that...

- Sorry about your eye.
- Yeah, it's fine.

Hi!

- It's for her.
- That's my mom.

It's important for her.
It's emotional support.

I'll give you five bucks.

Okay, thanks.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry
for the interruption.

These are my sorority sisters.

- Oh.
- Hey. It's me, Helen.

I know.

He knows that.

You got this, Mom.

A group of archaeologists,

using carbon dating,

proved that the grave
was in fact a hoax.

There were so many
scientists involved...

That it was
standing tomb only.

Thank you. I wasn't sure
about that one.

Now I hope that you're all
Hungary for some facts

because I'm about to give you
the thrilla about Attila.

Guys, that's my mom.
She's killing it!

Go, Dee!

Okay, guys, thanks.

Now, number one, there was
no Professor RUmschtein.

Complete, complete hoax.

This person didn't exist,
PR fact.

I know. I was shocked
when I found out, too.

These young men
and women comport themselves

with astounding grace
and wisdom.

Every one of them
brings tremendous pride

to this hallowed institution.

On a personal note,

I will say that
the future of this world

is in pretty good hands.

You may now move your tassels
to the left.

Congratulations
to Decatur University's

graduating class

Of 2018.

Whoo!

- Hey, Christine!
- Hey!

- Congratulations!
- Proud of you!

- Thank you.
- I love you.

I love you, too.

Come on, honey. Let's go
make love in the science lab.

Okay. Be right back.

Okay. Hey, Mom! Hi.

- Oh! I'm so proud!
- Congrats, baby.

- Thank you for coming.
- Look at our girl.

- Sweetheart!
- Oh!

- Congrats.
- Thank you, honey.

Good to see you.
I'm ready.

- You look great!
- I'm so proud of you guys.

You two have made
an old man very happy.

My daughter, my granddaughter,
both got a degree today.

Screw you, Dan!

"Oh, my“ Dad!
- Grandpa!

- What?
- Hey.

I'm starving.

Could we please go
to Mike and Sandy's house?

You know what? We'll catch up
with you in a minute.

But I wantjust a moment here
with my girl.

- Okay, babe.
- Sure, honey.

- Bye.
- You get out.

Look at us!
Couple of college grads, huh?

Mom, you did it.
You got your degree.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm proud of me, too.
But I'm really proud of you.

I hope you soak it all in.
This is your big day.

I will. Wait,
you didn't throw your hat!

Oh, I think there were
so many people,

and I just want to keep it as
memento for my alma mater.

You can keep it,

but you gotta throw it.
You don't wanna jinx it.

Okay. I don't wanna
jinx myself.

- Yeah. All right.
- All right, here goes.

- Oh, my God.
- Who did that?

Marcie, the earring.
It's gone.

That's a half-carat.

- Don't move. Don't move.
- You're such a fool.

- We should go.
- Okay.

Excuse me!

English - SDH