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1
00:00:21,657 --> 00:00:24,170
(hammering)
2
00:00:33,460 --> 00:00:36,420
Good morning,
my little chicks and cocks.
3
00:00:36,421 --> 00:00:38,465
Malcolm, monitoring... All the usual.
4
00:00:38,466 --> 00:00:40,966
How did your team do at the weekend?
5
00:00:40,968 --> 00:00:43,802
- All right, yeah, we won.
- (whispers) Wanker.
6
00:00:43,804 --> 00:00:46,929
Sam, morning. How are you?
7
00:00:46,930 --> 00:00:50,655
Well, pop-pickers,
what disc shall we start with today?
8
00:00:51,226 --> 00:00:53,853
Wonky Ron
or how about Simon Foster?
9
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:57,024
On the Eddie Mair
PM program on the BBC.
10
00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:59,817
(recording) MAIR:
Well, I'm joined by Simon Foster,
11
00:00:59,819 --> 00:01:02,237
the Minister
for International Development.
12
00:01:02,237 --> 00:01:04,323
You've been in the job for 18 months.
13
00:01:04,323 --> 00:01:06,365
Do you think you're making headway?
14
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,367
SIMON FOSTER:
Yes, I do.
15
00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:11,596
You'd expect me to say that, I suppose.
16
00:01:11,956 --> 00:01:13,873
WOMAN:
Mark.
17
00:01:13,875 --> 00:01:16,668
You're coordinating
the Millennium Goals press release?
18
00:01:16,668 --> 00:01:18,587
Co-ordinate it better, please.
19
00:01:18,587 --> 00:01:20,631
Is that the minister?
20
00:01:20,632 --> 00:01:22,433
OK.
21
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:26,177
Have we heard anything from Malcolm
about last night's interview?
22
00:01:26,179 --> 00:01:28,222
No, not yet.
23
00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:31,516
- Perhaps he didn't hear it.
- Or maybe he's dead.
24
00:01:31,518 --> 00:01:33,185
He might be dead!
25
00:01:33,186 --> 00:01:36,728
He might have finally had that
massive stroke he's been heading for.
26
00:01:36,729 --> 00:01:39,022
It's been in the fucking post.
27
00:01:39,024 --> 00:01:43,194
Preventable sickness in many of the
poorest countries around the world.
28
00:01:43,194 --> 00:01:45,530
And of course,
the big one is diarrhea...
29
00:01:45,531 --> 00:01:49,491
Ah, diarrhea. This is the M minister
for International Development.
30
00:01:49,492 --> 00:01:51,701
He should be talking about
food parcels,
31
00:01:51,703 --> 00:01:54,079
not fucking arse-spraying mayhem.
32
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:57,500
So if we can tackle the easy things
like diarrhea, then we can...
33
00:01:57,501 --> 00:01:59,960
Oh, say it again. Yes, very good.
34
00:01:59,962 --> 00:02:02,087
What is this, the shitting forecast?
35
00:02:02,088 --> 00:02:04,173
hopefully that will strike another blow
36
00:02:04,174 --> 00:02:06,216
in the war against
preventable diseases.
37
00:02:06,218 --> 00:02:08,218
MAIR: You mentioned the word "war".
- Steady, Eddie.
38
00:02:08,219 --> 00:02:10,179
FOSTER:
Against preventable diseases.
39
00:02:10,180 --> 00:02:12,639
MAIR:
All the evidence now points to
40
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:16,102
a US military intervention
in the Middle East.
41
00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:18,187
Is that your view?
42
00:02:18,187 --> 00:02:21,941
FOSTER: Well, personally,
I think that war is unforeseeable.
43
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:23,567
Sam. Sam!
44
00:02:23,568 --> 00:02:25,276
MAIR: Unforeseeable?
FOSTER: Yes.
45
00:02:25,277 --> 00:02:28,237
No, you do not think that!
46
00:02:28,239 --> 00:02:30,448
Sam, I'm going to have to go
47
00:02:30,449 --> 00:02:34,201
to International Development
to pull Simon Foster's fucking hair.
48
00:02:34,203 --> 00:02:36,246
He did not say "unforeseeable".
49
00:02:36,247 --> 00:02:39,331
You may have heard him say that,
but he did not say that.
50
00:02:39,332 --> 00:02:40,917
And that is a fact.
51
00:02:40,918 --> 00:02:42,961
Now, he's gonna want you to row back
52
00:02:42,961 --> 00:02:45,921
on that "unforeseeable" thing
on Question Time tonight.
53
00:02:45,923 --> 00:02:50,093
On Question Time, you know the funny
question they always have at the end?
54
00:02:50,093 --> 00:02:51,468
Yes.
55
00:02:51,469 --> 00:02:53,513
I think we should prep that now.
56
00:02:53,514 --> 00:02:55,973
Cos I'd like to shine on
the funny question.
57
00:02:55,974 --> 00:02:58,310
I'm a funny guy, with a light touch.
58
00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:01,729
There's this guy, he's a property
tycoon. He bought a South Sea island.
59
00:03:01,730 --> 00:03:04,983
It might be something like that.
If you had to spend the rest of your life
60
00:03:04,984 --> 00:03:07,568
on a desert island with someone,
who would it be with?
61
00:03:07,569 --> 00:03:10,322
Well... I can't say my wife
cos I haven't got one.
62
00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:14,032
I can't say my girlfriend, because
I haven't got one of those either.
63
00:03:14,033 --> 00:03:17,953
- And don't say Mandela. That's...
- No, no, boring. And a bloke.
64
00:03:17,954 --> 00:03:19,538
Or Keira Knightley.
65
00:03:19,538 --> 00:03:21,748
That's a good idea.
66
00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:24,501
Pervert. Sex. Minister.
People don't want to know.
67
00:03:24,502 --> 00:03:26,127
I don't think so.
68
00:03:26,128 --> 00:03:28,379
Did you take
the washing out of the machine?
69
00:03:28,381 --> 00:03:30,257
- No.
- What do you mean "no"?
70
00:03:30,258 --> 00:03:32,593
No, I didn't take
the washing out of the machine.
71
00:03:32,593 --> 00:03:34,969
- It's gonna go really stale...
- It'll be fine.
72
00:03:34,971 --> 00:03:37,389
- It's not fine.
- It's fine. I'll wear stale pants.
73
00:03:37,389 --> 00:03:39,807
I don't want to go out
with someone in stale pants.
74
00:03:39,808 --> 00:03:41,977
Well, there we go.
I could go commando.
75
00:03:41,978 --> 00:03:44,562
But I don't think
that's accepted in government.
76
00:03:44,563 --> 00:03:47,149
Have you got everything
you need for your first day?
77
00:03:47,150 --> 00:03:49,192
Oh, yes, all in here.
My massive intellect
78
00:03:49,194 --> 00:03:51,611
and an apple for Simon Foster.
79
00:03:51,612 --> 00:03:53,656
Simon "Fluster", don't you mean?
80
00:03:53,656 --> 00:03:55,990
Don't call him that. I'm rebranding him.
81
00:03:55,991 --> 00:03:58,534
He was absolutely crap
on the radio last night.
82
00:03:58,536 --> 00:04:00,828
He sounded like a chicken
with a wasp up its arse.
83
00:04:00,829 --> 00:04:02,788
You give me a week,
I'll have him sounding
84
00:04:02,789 --> 00:04:04,831
like a chicken
without a wasp up its arse.
85
00:04:04,832 --> 00:04:07,669
Good luck at the Foreign Office.
Try not to annoy Russia.
86
00:04:07,669 --> 00:04:09,670
- See you later.
- See you later.
87
00:04:09,671 --> 00:04:12,173
I'll give you a call later.
Keep your phone on.
88
00:04:12,174 --> 00:04:15,009
- Be careful. Cars.
- Oh, really? Thanks for that.
89
00:04:15,009 --> 00:04:17,571
Helpful...
90
00:04:18,430 --> 00:04:20,889
OK, OK, go ahead
and print "unforeseeable".
91
00:04:20,891 --> 00:04:22,684
Listen, assume I tell your wife
92
00:04:22,685 --> 00:04:25,435
about you and Angela Heaney
at the Black pool conference,
93
00:04:25,437 --> 00:04:28,064
what would be best,
an e-mail, a phone call or what?
94
00:04:28,064 --> 00:04:31,024
I could write it on a cake!
With those little silver balls.
95
00:04:31,026 --> 00:04:33,903
"Your hack husband
betrayed you on October 4th...
96
00:04:33,903 --> 00:04:36,072
and congratulations on the new baby. "
97
00:04:36,072 --> 00:04:38,533
Yeah,
maybe it's better to spike it, yeah.
98
00:04:38,533 --> 00:04:40,576
OK, fuckity bye.
99
00:04:40,576 --> 00:04:42,911
WOMAN: (on phone)
Did you put away the lasagna?
100
00:04:42,913 --> 00:04:45,038
Yes, of course, it's in the fridge.
101
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,417
It's got Clingfilm on it and everything.
102
00:04:47,418 --> 00:04:49,793
Why did you put Clingfilm on it?
103
00:04:49,793 --> 00:04:52,586
Because that keeps it fresh.
That's the point of Clingfilm.
104
00:04:52,588 --> 00:04:54,423
No, I don't want to hold.
105
00:04:54,423 --> 00:04:55,590
It might dry out.
106
00:04:55,591 --> 00:04:56,925
That's an amateur mistake.
107
00:04:56,925 --> 00:05:00,553
I'm not holding any longer. What's
he waiting for, a fucking sex change?
108
00:05:00,555 --> 00:05:01,887
It's not carcinogenic.
109
00:05:01,889 --> 00:05:03,889
What, Simon Foster?
110
00:05:03,891 --> 00:05:05,891
Clingfilm doesn't give you cancer.
111
00:05:05,892 --> 00:05:07,894
Diarrhea Of A Nobody. I like that.
112
00:05:07,894 --> 00:05:09,937
- Aluminum foil...
- Apropos of that...
113
00:05:09,939 --> 00:05:13,024
gives you AIDS, or, you know,
lasagna gives you syphilis.
114
00:05:13,026 --> 00:05:15,735
- It's not a thing.
- No, you relax!
115
00:05:15,737 --> 00:05:17,403
God, who's that?
116
00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:19,447
MALCOLM:
Get me fucking Brian!
117
00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:22,617
If you don't get me fucking Brian,
I'm gonna come over there.
118
00:05:22,617 --> 00:05:24,870
I'm gonna lock you in
a fucking flotation tank
119
00:05:24,870 --> 00:05:27,288
and pump it full of sewage
until you fucking drown.
120
00:05:27,290 --> 00:05:30,417
- Paris Hilton.
- Are you serious?
121
00:05:30,418 --> 00:05:32,043
- Lily Allen.
- No, no women.
122
00:05:32,045 --> 00:05:33,754
(phone rings)
123
00:05:33,754 --> 00:05:35,755
- Yeah?
- The Olsen twins.
124
00:05:35,757 --> 00:05:38,423
- Thank you.
- Who's that?
125
00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:41,927
- Malcolm. He's coming to see you.
- Oh, shit, he's still alive.
126
00:05:41,927 --> 00:05:44,262
- When's he due?
MALCOLM: Now!
127
00:05:44,264 --> 00:05:47,182
And don't say you weren't prepared,
because I rang ahead.
128
00:05:47,183 --> 00:05:49,643
Give us a minute,
could you, please, love?
129
00:05:49,644 --> 00:05:53,646
In the words
of the late, great Nat King fucking Cole,
130
00:05:53,648 --> 00:05:56,192
unforeseeable, that's what you are.
131
00:05:56,192 --> 00:05:58,754
WOMAN:
Who's that geezer?
132
00:05:59,946 --> 00:06:01,947
Oh, I know who he is.
133
00:06:01,947 --> 00:06:04,408
You're Dan, right?
134
00:06:04,408 --> 00:06:06,869
- Daniel? The new adviser?
- Toby.
135
00:06:06,870 --> 00:06:08,995
Toby. Oh. Sorry about the "Dan" thing.
136
00:06:08,997 --> 00:06:12,083
You guys are often called "Dan"
so it's worth a punt.
137
00:06:12,084 --> 00:06:14,000
I'm Judy, by the way. Judy Molloy.
138
00:06:14,002 --> 00:06:16,920
Director of Communications
for International Development.
139
00:06:16,922 --> 00:06:18,172
Is this a normal morning?
140
00:06:18,173 --> 00:06:20,341
The minister was rubbish
on last night's interview...
141
00:06:20,341 --> 00:06:22,718
- He was rubbish?
- Yes. Rubbish.
142
00:06:22,718 --> 00:06:26,471
Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for...
for a personal opinion.
143
00:06:26,471 --> 00:06:29,891
Why didn't you say? He asked you.
Fuck, of course, that explains it.
144
00:06:29,891 --> 00:06:33,310
If he'd asked you to fucking black up,
or to give him your PIN number
145
00:06:33,312 --> 00:06:35,562
or to shit yourself,
would you have done that?
146
00:06:35,564 --> 00:06:38,316
Blacked up, yes.
It was radio, nobody would've known.
147
00:06:38,317 --> 00:06:39,651
Very good.
148
00:06:39,651 --> 00:06:42,237
War is basically unforeseeable, isn't it?
149
00:06:42,237 --> 00:06:45,531
That is not our line.
Walk the fucking line.
150
00:06:45,533 --> 00:06:48,784
We've got Karen Clark
over from Washington today.
151
00:06:48,786 --> 00:06:51,329
We've got enough
fucking Pentagon goons here
152
00:06:51,329 --> 00:06:52,956
to stage a fucking coup d'état.
153
00:06:52,956 --> 00:06:55,332
- Minister.
MALCOLM: Not the time, love.
154
00:06:55,334 --> 00:06:57,377
- I'm busy. Fuck off.
- This is Toby.
155
00:06:57,377 --> 00:07:00,838
Toby, hi. I'm glad you could make it.
It's a bit of an odd morning here.
156
00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:03,550
Welcome to the madhouse.
I apologize for Malcolm.
157
00:07:03,550 --> 00:07:06,386
Don't apologize for me.
Apologize for yourself.
158
00:07:06,387 --> 00:07:09,346
Did I not just tell you to fuck off
and yet you're still here?
159
00:07:09,348 --> 00:07:11,348
It's true, I am, yes, still here.
160
00:07:11,350 --> 00:07:13,016
Hi, fetus boy,
161
00:07:13,018 --> 00:07:15,769
lesson one, I tell you to fuck off,
what do you do?
162
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,812
Off off?
163
00:07:17,814 --> 00:07:19,856
You'll go far.
164
00:07:19,858 --> 00:07:21,942
- Now, fuck off.
- Right.
165
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:27,072
Judy and I were thinking that I could
row back on Question Time tonight.
166
00:07:27,072 --> 00:07:29,574
You're not on Question Time.
You've been disinvited.
167
00:07:29,576 --> 00:07:33,411
- We've been prepping Question Time.
- Why wasn't I told about this?
168
00:07:33,413 --> 00:07:36,706
Why the fuck would I tell you about it?
I told you to fuck off twice.
169
00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:40,627
It's a scheduled media appearance by
this department's secretary of state
170
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,713
so it falls well within my purview.
171
00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:44,380
- Within your purview?
- Yes.
172
00:07:44,382 --> 00:07:48,093
Where do you think you are, some
fucking Regency costume drama?
173
00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:51,846
This is a government department,
not a fucking Jane fucking Austen novel.
174
00:07:51,848 --> 00:07:54,891
SIMON: Malcolm...
- Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet
175
00:07:54,893 --> 00:07:58,228
on your purview and ram it up
the shitter with a lubricated horse cock.
176
00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:00,271
Your swearing does not impress me.
177
00:08:00,273 --> 00:08:03,192
My husband works for Tower Hamlets
and believe me,
178
00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:06,026
those kids make you sound like...
Angela Lansbury.
179
00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:07,862
She's married? Poor bastard.
180
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:12,449
Malcolm, Judy's lubricated horse cock
aside for a second,
181
00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:16,329
are you saying I'm now no longer
allowed to make media appearances?
182
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:19,290
Correct. Not until we can trust you
to keep the line.
183
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:22,043
I was going to keep to the line.
I was going to say,
184
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,586
I don't think war is unforeseeable...
185
00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:27,632
- What is it, then?
- I dunno. Foreseeable? No.
186
00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:30,675
No! Not foreseeable.
That's fucking declaring war.
187
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,677
Do you want to fucking declare war?
188
00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:35,889
I'm a Cabinet minister.
I didn't get here by screwing up
189
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:38,225
every media appearance I ever had.
190
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:41,354
Write this down. It's neither
foreseeable nor unforeseeable.
191
00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:44,356
Right, so not inevitable, but not...
192
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,567
You'd better walk on this fucking line.
193
00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,152
evitable.
194
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:52,072
You, hey, put the snifter out there
that if the BBC ambushes a minister
195
00:08:52,072 --> 00:08:55,450
with another surprise question about
the war, I'll drop a bomb on them.
196
00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:57,494
I can't do that, can I? That's political.
197
00:08:57,495 --> 00:09:00,830
Does that not fit within your purview,
Marie Antoinette?
198
00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:03,625
Why don't you just scuttle off back
to fucking Cranford
199
00:09:03,625 --> 00:09:07,169
and play around with your tea and your
cakes and your fucking horse cocks.
200
00:09:07,171 --> 00:09:11,393
Let them eat cock! Hey, you!
Ron Weasley, you do it.
201
00:09:12,717 --> 00:09:15,261
No, no, you needn't worry about
the Canadians,
202
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,304
they're just happy to be there.
203
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:20,933
Yes, well, they always look surprised
when they're invited.
204
00:09:20,934 --> 00:09:23,852
Shall I just give Toby a call
about this Simon Foster thing?
205
00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:26,313
Yes, good idea.
No, I'm not talking to you.
206
00:09:26,315 --> 00:09:28,524
Get me the Angolan chargé d'affaires.
207
00:09:28,525 --> 00:09:31,503
Yes, well stop him playing football.
208
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:33,529
Hello.
209
00:09:33,530 --> 00:09:35,698
So, how's it going? Found the bogs?
210
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,741
It's a bit... manic.
211
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:42,120
Never like this at Agriculture. People
tend not to get so sweary about wheat.
212
00:09:42,121 --> 00:09:44,999
Sorry, Michael, do you mind
just turning it down a bit?
213
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,668
(classical music)
- Just a little bit... grating. Bloody music.
214
00:09:48,669 --> 00:09:51,504
Listen,
I've got a bit of leg-up for you, actually.
215
00:09:51,505 --> 00:09:56,176
Yeah. I think we can get Simon Foster
into the three o'clock with Karen Clark.
216
00:09:56,177 --> 00:09:58,011
TOBY:
Karen Clark?
217
00:09:58,013 --> 00:10:01,514
Was she the woman who went round
Britain in a coracle for leukemia?
218
00:10:01,515 --> 00:10:04,726
No, Toby. Karen Clark,
US Assistant Secretary of State.
219
00:10:04,727 --> 00:10:07,730
Oh, right, Karen Clark. Wow, great.
220
00:10:07,730 --> 00:10:10,524
- Michael wants to say something.
- Meat.
221
00:10:10,524 --> 00:10:12,192
Meat?
222
00:10:12,192 --> 00:10:16,529
His man is only going to be meat in
the room. No talking. He's just padding.
223
00:10:16,530 --> 00:10:19,575
The Americans don't feel like
they're getting a proper meeting
224
00:10:19,576 --> 00:10:22,244
unless there's 30 people on each side,
225
00:10:22,245 --> 00:10:24,580
so he's basically like bulk in the room.
226
00:10:24,581 --> 00:10:27,374
He's not exactly going to be relevant,
but he'll be present.
227
00:10:27,375 --> 00:10:29,207
I won't tell him that, to be honest.
228
00:10:29,208 --> 00:10:32,669
- OK, I've got to go, darling. I love you.
- OK, yes, likewise.
229
00:10:32,671 --> 00:10:34,463
Affirmative on that one.
230
00:10:34,465 --> 00:10:36,883
All right, darling, take care, bye.
231
00:10:36,884 --> 00:10:39,384
Can I turn it back up now?
232
00:10:39,385 --> 00:10:42,429
You're on sexual health, aren't you?
That's ironic.
233
00:10:42,431 --> 00:10:44,474
Right, Toby, quick tour.
234
00:10:44,475 --> 00:10:47,268
- I should probably just go and...
- This is Mike.
235
00:10:47,269 --> 00:10:50,145
Just leave it to Mike,
cos he knows what he's doing.
236
00:10:50,147 --> 00:10:52,190
- Don't you, Mike?
- What?
237
00:10:52,191 --> 00:10:54,775
Exactly. He's an idiot.
238
00:10:54,777 --> 00:10:58,613
Listen, I understand your hostility
at new wood being brought in.
239
00:10:58,614 --> 00:11:00,947
Sorry, that's the end of the tour,
I'm afraid.
240
00:11:00,950 --> 00:11:05,202
There is really a lot of very important
people that you ought to know about,
241
00:11:05,203 --> 00:11:07,517
but I have to...
242
00:11:12,086 --> 00:11:14,086
- Toby, hi.
- All right, boss.
243
00:11:14,087 --> 00:11:16,630
I'm sorry about earlier. Malcolm.
244
00:11:16,631 --> 00:11:19,256
- He's a bit of an alpha male, isn't he?
- Yes.
245
00:11:19,258 --> 00:11:21,259
Listen,
246
00:11:21,259 --> 00:11:23,260
I was just um...
247
00:11:23,261 --> 00:11:25,263
- Don't sit on Anna's desk.
- Sorry.
248
00:11:25,264 --> 00:11:31,311
I have managed to get you into the big
Foreign Office meeting this afternoon.
249
00:11:31,312 --> 00:11:34,063
The Karen Clark meeting?
Really? Shit.
250
00:11:34,065 --> 00:11:35,731
How did you do that?
251
00:11:35,732 --> 00:11:38,442
I did it through sheer bloody hard work.
252
00:11:38,443 --> 00:11:40,278
- Judy?
- Yeah?
253
00:11:40,278 --> 00:11:44,783
Tobes here has got me into the big
Karen Clark meeting this afternoon.
254
00:11:44,783 --> 00:11:46,243
JUDY:
Oh!
255
00:11:46,244 --> 00:11:48,286
The big "meat".
256
00:11:48,287 --> 00:11:51,288
Impressive, eh?
How are you spelling that, by the way?
257
00:11:51,289 --> 00:11:53,290
Two "E"s.
258
00:11:53,292 --> 00:11:54,625
Oh, right.
259
00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:56,628
TOBY:
Just one thing.
260
00:11:56,629 --> 00:12:01,091
Talking wise, you might find once
we get in there, that the bulk of it...
261
00:12:01,091 --> 00:12:03,301
- Can we just wait for Judy?
- Of course.
262
00:12:03,302 --> 00:12:05,470
Simon.
263
00:12:05,471 --> 00:12:06,678
Michael, hi.
264
00:12:06,679 --> 00:12:08,681
Hello. Welcome.
265
00:12:08,682 --> 00:12:10,515
- Michael?
- Yes.
266
00:12:10,517 --> 00:12:14,227
I'm Chad. We'd like a dual horseshoe
formation for the meeting set-up.
267
00:12:14,229 --> 00:12:17,815
An enclave for Ms Clark. An enclave
for the Pentagon delegation.
268
00:12:17,816 --> 00:12:20,067
And, politely, we request the presence
269
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:22,695
of both carbonated
and non-carbonated waters.
270
00:12:22,696 --> 00:12:24,572
Right.
271
00:12:24,572 --> 00:12:27,032
- Is that all?
- Yeah, that's it. Thank you so much.
272
00:12:27,033 --> 00:12:30,591
Not at all. Wow, who was that?
Young Lankenstein?
273
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:34,123
He's probably running
something relatively major.
274
00:12:34,124 --> 00:12:36,167
They're all kids in Washington.
275
00:12:36,168 --> 00:12:39,524
It's like Bugsy Malone,
but with real guns.
276
00:12:41,380 --> 00:12:43,340
(spoon tapping glass)
277
00:12:43,341 --> 00:12:45,301
Thank you all for coming today
278
00:12:45,302 --> 00:12:48,053
to the Interim Anglo-American
Resources Forum.
279
00:12:48,054 --> 00:12:50,014
I'd particularly like to welcome...
280
00:12:50,014 --> 00:12:52,140
What's your view like?
281
00:12:52,142 --> 00:12:54,808
- Well, it's pretty basic.
- OK, can we swap?
282
00:12:54,809 --> 00:12:57,937
I don't want a consensus
forming around the premise
283
00:12:57,937 --> 00:13:02,859
that military action is necessarily
the primary option at this point.
284
00:13:02,860 --> 00:13:07,197
This paper which was authored
by one of my aides, Liza Weld...
285
00:13:07,197 --> 00:13:10,365
Liza, I hope you don't mind
if I foreground this paper.
286
00:13:10,366 --> 00:13:12,910
It's not strictly my paper.
287
00:13:12,912 --> 00:13:16,288
In the sense that you were the one
who put in the requests...
288
00:13:16,289 --> 00:13:19,875
Miss Weld is very, very modest,
but this is her paper.
289
00:13:19,876 --> 00:13:22,921
And she's highlighted
several reasons
290
00:13:22,922 --> 00:13:27,216
why we cannot envision a theatre
deployment for at least 12 months.
291
00:13:27,217 --> 00:13:30,886
Should I say something? She invited
me. I should say something.
292
00:13:30,888 --> 00:13:33,222
If you don't say something
in the first ten minutes,
293
00:13:33,224 --> 00:13:35,390
then you might as well
not say anything at all.
294
00:13:35,393 --> 00:13:37,559
I really think
you shouldn't say anything.
295
00:13:37,561 --> 00:13:41,105
- No, I should say something.
- No, Simon, don't, just don't...
296
00:13:41,106 --> 00:13:42,941
Don't pull my hand down.
297
00:13:42,942 --> 00:13:45,942
The committee feels
a quicker deployment is possible.
298
00:13:45,943 --> 00:13:47,318
Ah, which committee?
299
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,779
It was discussed
in a number of committees.
300
00:13:49,780 --> 00:13:52,240
- If I mentioned one committee...
- You did.
301
00:13:52,241 --> 00:13:54,243
then it was a slip of the tongue.
302
00:13:54,244 --> 00:13:58,080
What, because you've accidentally
alluded to a secret committee,
303
00:13:58,081 --> 00:13:59,748
a war committee?
304
00:13:59,749 --> 00:14:03,585
If I may intercept. I understand
we are rather pressed for time.
305
00:14:03,586 --> 00:14:06,672
Liza, do you know if Linton
has set up a secret war committee?
306
00:14:06,673 --> 00:14:09,006
- No. I have no idea.
- Get me on it.
307
00:14:09,008 --> 00:14:12,427
I think it's worth noting
that ministers in the UK government,
308
00:14:12,428 --> 00:14:15,806
such as our colleague here,
Simon Foster,
309
00:14:15,807 --> 00:14:20,769
have made it very clear that they feel
currently war is unforeseeable.
310
00:14:20,769 --> 00:14:24,043
Isn't that right, Simon?
311
00:14:24,606 --> 00:14:26,607
Er... well, yes.
312
00:14:26,609 --> 00:14:29,110
That's... That's what I said.
313
00:14:29,111 --> 00:14:32,123
And I stick to what I said.
314
00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:39,452
That doesn't mean that what I said
won't change... in the future.
315
00:14:39,453 --> 00:14:41,455
Um... it's not immutable
316
00:14:41,456 --> 00:14:43,499
or mutable.
317
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:45,585
It's... It's... It's...
318
00:14:45,586 --> 00:14:47,628
It's a developing...
319
00:14:47,629 --> 00:14:50,213
MICHAEL: I think there are
areas of mutual discussion
320
00:14:50,215 --> 00:14:54,384
that we could come onto now, and then
maybe if there's time left at the end...
321
00:14:54,385 --> 00:14:57,638
Judy, can you just pass that on?
Is that fine?
322
00:14:57,639 --> 00:15:01,077
Yes, that's all fine, thank you.
323
00:15:02,644 --> 00:15:07,398
Right, come here. We need to talk.
What do you mean, "Stop being a tit?"
324
00:15:07,399 --> 00:15:09,442
In what way was I being a tit?
325
00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:11,402
Why am I even over here?
326
00:15:11,403 --> 00:15:13,821
You were just meat in the room, Simon.
327
00:15:13,822 --> 00:15:15,865
- Yeah...
- Meat in the room?
328
00:15:15,865 --> 00:15:17,866
Yeah.
329
00:15:17,868 --> 00:15:21,411
For fuck's sake, Judy, I've taken
an hour out to come over here
330
00:15:21,412 --> 00:15:23,203
and be room meat.
331
00:15:23,206 --> 00:15:25,248
Yes, but... but a prime cut,
332
00:15:25,249 --> 00:15:26,875
you know, not offal.
333
00:15:26,875 --> 00:15:28,960
Oh, great. I'm not liver.
334
00:15:28,961 --> 00:15:31,004
What was I, tit meat?
335
00:15:31,004 --> 00:15:33,048
Well, no, I just...
336
00:15:33,048 --> 00:15:36,509
SIMON:
Come on. Let's get back.
337
00:15:36,510 --> 00:15:38,510
- Hey, Liza.
- Hey.
338
00:15:38,513 --> 00:15:42,057
I just want to say congratulations.
Your paper got a major citation.
339
00:15:42,057 --> 00:15:44,768
You must be psyched
that Karen brought it up.
340
00:15:44,769 --> 00:15:47,895
Yeah, well, that was,
you know, her call. Not mine.
341
00:15:47,897 --> 00:15:49,188
You couldn't write a paper
342
00:15:49,190 --> 00:15:52,524
that clashes more violently with
the current climate if you were trying.
343
00:15:52,527 --> 00:15:54,360
It seems like you almost were trying.
344
00:15:54,361 --> 00:15:57,697
- I wasn't trying! Believe me.
- You're like the woman in The Omen.
345
00:15:57,697 --> 00:16:00,366
You've given birth to a demon
and now it's gonna kill you.
346
00:16:00,368 --> 00:16:03,245
You probably identify
with the kid from The Omen.
347
00:16:03,245 --> 00:16:05,788
See, you're an only child, aren't you?
348
00:16:05,789 --> 00:16:07,791
I don't understand how my parents'
349
00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:10,875
limited reproductive ability
reflects badly on me.
350
00:16:10,876 --> 00:16:13,044
I'm the sperm that made it, so...
351
00:16:13,046 --> 00:16:15,214
- Liza.
- I'm being called by our boss.
352
00:16:15,215 --> 00:16:18,258
- OK, retreat. See you later.
- Yeah, have fun with yourself.
353
00:16:18,259 --> 00:16:20,903
Have fun with your career kryptonite.
354
00:16:21,388 --> 00:16:24,347
What's going on down there?
That looks important.
355
00:16:24,349 --> 00:16:26,683
My teeth are killing me.
Are they chipped?
356
00:16:26,684 --> 00:16:29,269
I think that one
has always been there, right?
357
00:16:29,270 --> 00:16:31,897
It was a chip on the veneer.
358
00:16:31,898 --> 00:16:35,359
- Don't look at my teeth for a long time.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
359
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,528
- It just surprised me.
TOBY: Liza!
360
00:16:37,528 --> 00:16:38,736
Toby.
361
00:16:38,738 --> 00:16:41,072
Toby! Hi.
362
00:16:41,073 --> 00:16:43,116
- Hi.
- Give me a call!
363
00:16:43,118 --> 00:16:45,744
- Yeah.
- OK.
364
00:16:45,745 --> 00:16:49,581
Liza Weld. She did the
Kennedy Scholarship at my college.
365
00:16:49,582 --> 00:16:52,625
- I had a little thing for her at the time.
- I can imagine, yeah.
366
00:16:52,626 --> 00:16:54,836
Don't think she remembered me,
to be honest.
367
00:16:54,837 --> 00:16:57,683
That is one
of the side-effects of Rohypnol.
368
00:16:58,173 --> 00:17:01,759
Linton has set up
a secret war committee. I just know it.
369
00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:05,054
I mean, Linton is an absolute lunatic,
Liza.
370
00:17:05,055 --> 00:17:06,596
- He is dangerous.
- It's not good.
371
00:17:06,598 --> 00:17:09,527
The voices in his head
now sing barbershop together.
372
00:17:10,728 --> 00:17:14,146
I really, really hope there isn't a war,
it's going to be a nightmare.
373
00:17:14,147 --> 00:17:16,941
It's bad enough having to cope
with the fucking Olympics.
374
00:17:16,942 --> 00:17:19,359
- Minister?
- Just a quick word, sir?
375
00:17:19,361 --> 00:17:22,321
This is your chance to nail the line.
Do you want to nail the line?
376
00:17:22,323 --> 00:17:24,865
No, I'll freestyle it.
Hello, there. Hi.
377
00:17:24,866 --> 00:17:26,992
So is war unforeseeable, Minister?
378
00:17:26,993 --> 00:17:31,580
Look, all sorts of things,
that are actually very likely
379
00:17:31,582 --> 00:17:33,790
are also unforeseeable.
380
00:17:33,791 --> 00:17:39,547
For the plane in the fog,
the mountain is un... unforeseeable,
381
00:17:39,548 --> 00:17:43,884
but then it is suddenly
very real and inevitable.
382
00:17:43,885 --> 00:17:47,346
Is this your opinion or is this
the government position?
383
00:17:47,346 --> 00:17:49,013
The mountain in the metaphor is
384
00:17:49,015 --> 00:17:52,433
a completely hypothetical mountain
that could represent anything.
385
00:17:52,434 --> 00:17:54,810
So, who is the plane,
and who is the mountain?
386
00:17:54,811 --> 00:17:57,521
- Is the government lost in the fog?
- What I'm saying is...
387
00:17:57,522 --> 00:17:59,648
that to walk the road of peace...
388
00:17:59,651 --> 00:18:05,571
sometimes we need to be ready
to climb... the mountain of conflict.
389
00:18:05,573 --> 00:18:07,406
Thank you so much.
390
00:18:07,407 --> 00:18:10,993
Thank you. That's it,
ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
391
00:18:10,994 --> 00:18:14,873
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
why didn't we nail the line?
392
00:18:14,874 --> 00:18:16,916
Simon, I did try to warn you.
393
00:18:16,917 --> 00:18:20,045
Yes, you tried to warn me, but
you didn't actually stop me, did you?
394
00:18:20,046 --> 00:18:21,962
I can't tackle you to the ground.
395
00:18:21,963 --> 00:18:25,549
That's like shouting "Train!"
at somebody as they get hit by a train.
396
00:18:25,550 --> 00:18:28,053
You should go "Train!
There's a fucking train!"
397
00:18:28,054 --> 00:18:29,930
(mobile rings)
- Bollocks!
398
00:18:29,931 --> 00:18:32,682
- Fuck, it's Malcolm.
- It's Malcolm for me, too.
399
00:18:32,683 --> 00:18:34,726
How does he do that?
400
00:18:34,727 --> 00:18:38,938
Simon, I don't like finding out about
people employed by this government
401
00:18:38,939 --> 00:18:41,272
via the news, unless they've just died.
402
00:18:41,273 --> 00:18:42,607
Be here, now.
403
00:18:42,608 --> 00:18:44,609
The British Government
must be prepared
404
00:18:44,611 --> 00:18:46,194
to climb the mountain of conflict.
405
00:18:46,195 --> 00:18:48,959
It's unclear if his view
is shared by the Prime Minister.
406
00:18:48,990 --> 00:18:50,615
TOBY:
Maybe we should get it out there.
407
00:18:50,616 --> 00:18:53,952
Float the idea that the war
is a resigning issue for you.
408
00:18:53,953 --> 00:18:57,248
You can't say it's a resigning issue,
because then you have to resign.
409
00:18:57,249 --> 00:19:00,459
You're having a really great first day,
you know that?
410
00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:03,253
You are supposed to be
a Cabinet minister!
411
00:19:03,255 --> 00:19:06,214
You are supposed to be Officer Class!
412
00:19:06,215 --> 00:19:09,259
Don't do this,
don't make fucking waves.
413
00:19:09,260 --> 00:19:11,679
SIMON: We can do without
the ritual humiliation.
414
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,638
You know I'm against
talking up the war.
415
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:15,266
You're against talking up the war?
416
00:19:15,267 --> 00:19:18,018
Is that why you said
"climb the mountain of conflict"?
417
00:19:18,019 --> 00:19:19,644
Do you know what you sounded like?
418
00:19:19,645 --> 00:19:22,064
A fucking Nazi Julie Andrews.
419
00:19:22,065 --> 00:19:27,609
I'm just saying I might be forced
to the verge of making a stand.
420
00:19:27,611 --> 00:19:30,172
A stand?
421
00:19:31,656 --> 00:19:34,491
Right, The White Stripes, outside.
422
00:19:34,492 --> 00:19:36,840
Uh-uh.
423
00:19:37,328 --> 00:19:40,471
There's only two people
in The White Stripes.
424
00:19:45,755 --> 00:19:48,269
I um...
425
00:19:49,549 --> 00:19:51,863
I admire you.
426
00:19:52,344 --> 00:19:54,471
I really do, I admire you.
427
00:19:54,471 --> 00:19:56,556
Making a stand.
428
00:19:56,557 --> 00:20:01,519
So, I take it, I can tell the PM that you...
you don't want to go to Washington?
429
00:20:01,519 --> 00:20:03,855
- To where?
- To Washington.
430
00:20:03,855 --> 00:20:06,566
See, the PM, he wants you...
Well, he wanted you
431
00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:08,651
to go on a fact-finder, you know.
432
00:20:08,652 --> 00:20:12,653
Problems we might have to face if it
all goes boombastic in the Middle East.
433
00:20:12,654 --> 00:20:14,490
Oh, right.
434
00:20:14,490 --> 00:20:17,742
But, you know, that's you,
you're on the verge, aren't you?
435
00:20:17,743 --> 00:20:20,328
You're on the verge of your stand, so...
436
00:20:20,329 --> 00:20:22,163
Well, Malcolm, come on,
437
00:20:22,164 --> 00:20:25,334
I don't know what words I used
in the heat of the moment.
438
00:20:25,335 --> 00:20:28,836
Maybe in a sense, yeah, I am on the
verge, but that's the important thing.
439
00:20:28,837 --> 00:20:32,548
I'm on the verge.
I'm not in any way decided.
440
00:20:32,549 --> 00:20:35,344
Christ on a bendy-bus.
Don't be such a fucking faff arse.
441
00:20:35,345 --> 00:20:38,346
No, I'm standing my ground,
on the verge.
442
00:20:38,347 --> 00:20:40,723
Right, OK,
well, when you go to America,
443
00:20:40,724 --> 00:20:43,184
talk to Karen Clark
at the State Department, yeah?
444
00:20:43,185 --> 00:20:46,355
- Right, OK. I'll give it a whirl.
- Keep away from Linton Barwick.
445
00:20:46,355 --> 00:20:48,397
He's pushing the war
for Caulderwood's lot.
446
00:20:48,398 --> 00:20:52,193
I'll deal with him. He uses a live hand
grenade as a fucking paper weight.
447
00:20:52,194 --> 00:20:54,028
That's a true story.
448
00:20:54,029 --> 00:20:56,365
Wow, I won't talk to him.
449
00:20:56,365 --> 00:21:00,303
Talk to as few people as possible,
that would be best for you.
450
00:21:00,619 --> 00:21:05,038
OK, Liza, the priorities are shower,
get me on Linton's war committee
451
00:21:05,039 --> 00:21:08,542
and get me to a dentist,
not necessarily in that order.
452
00:21:08,544 --> 00:21:10,419
Shower later.
453
00:21:10,420 --> 00:21:12,880
What has Linton been up to
while we've been gone?
454
00:21:12,881 --> 00:21:15,048
Have we declared war
on California yet?
455
00:21:15,049 --> 00:21:16,800
Ah, Karen.
456
00:21:16,801 --> 00:21:19,804
- How was London? Good meetings?
- Very good meetings.
457
00:21:19,805 --> 00:21:23,223
You know we had some
great discussions there, I think our...
458
00:21:23,224 --> 00:21:26,602
Thank you very much, and I will read
your words when they come through.
459
00:21:26,603 --> 00:21:28,645
Thank you so much, Karen, hm. Bob.
460
00:21:28,646 --> 00:21:31,208
You won't read the words, Linton.
461
00:21:32,067 --> 00:21:33,859
Is Chad coming? Chad?
462
00:21:33,861 --> 00:21:37,195
No, he's probably doing
his desperate chorus girl thing,
463
00:21:37,197 --> 00:21:41,741
hanging around Linton's office,
trying to catch an eye, you know.
464
00:21:41,742 --> 00:21:45,078
That's why he's wearing his
push-up bra today. Have you noticed?
465
00:21:45,079 --> 00:21:48,039
- Assistant Secretary of State, hi.
- Brad, how are you?
466
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,874
- Chad.
- Yep, yep, yep, exactly.
467
00:21:49,875 --> 00:21:53,314
- Can I...?
- Yep, you betcha, OK.
468
00:21:53,712 --> 00:21:55,755
Hey, listen, the war committee.
469
00:21:55,756 --> 00:21:57,798
What you have to do
is you've got to look for
470
00:21:57,799 --> 00:22:01,260
the ten dullest-named committees
happening out of the executive branch.
471
00:22:01,261 --> 00:22:05,056
Because Linton is not going to call it
the "Big Horrible War Committee".
472
00:22:05,057 --> 00:22:08,393
He's gonna hide it
behind a name like "Diverse Strategy".
473
00:22:08,394 --> 00:22:11,438
Something so dull
you're just gonna want to self-harm.
474
00:22:11,439 --> 00:22:14,607
Get me General Miller
at the Pentagon, please.
475
00:22:14,608 --> 00:22:16,776
My teeth hurt.
476
00:22:16,777 --> 00:22:19,457
My teeth hurt like hell.
477
00:22:19,529 --> 00:22:22,721
I'm sick of hearing about
the teeth, frankly.
478
00:22:23,451 --> 00:22:26,411
Hi, yeah.
I'm checking the status on a paper
479
00:22:26,412 --> 00:22:28,288
that was circulated by a staffer here.
480
00:22:28,288 --> 00:22:29,955
It's called...
481
00:22:29,957 --> 00:22:34,461
"Post War Planning. Parameters,
Implications and Possibilities".
482
00:22:34,461 --> 00:22:38,963
This is the one by...
this is the one by Liza Weld, right?
483
00:22:38,964 --> 00:22:41,174
"PWIP PIP"?
484
00:22:41,175 --> 00:22:43,301
Oh, God, it already has an acronym.
485
00:22:43,302 --> 00:22:46,012
You know another acronym? DOA...
486
00:22:46,013 --> 00:22:48,473
Your career.
487
00:22:48,474 --> 00:22:54,646
My golly, I can't see why anyone would
choose to work in a glass office, huh?
488
00:22:54,647 --> 00:22:58,692
Glass offices,
in my opinion, are for perverts.
489
00:22:58,692 --> 00:23:00,693
I could request the glass be frosted.
490
00:23:00,694 --> 00:23:02,654
Frosting is on cakes, huh?
491
00:23:02,655 --> 00:23:05,740
Now, what else happened in London?
492
00:23:05,741 --> 00:23:08,326
Ah, generally positive, two glitches...
493
00:23:08,327 --> 00:23:09,994
Really, what?
494
00:23:09,996 --> 00:23:12,664
Karen flagged a report
by one of her staffers.
495
00:23:12,665 --> 00:23:17,711
She's obviously trying to use it as some
kind of roadblock. It's called PWIP PIP.
496
00:23:17,711 --> 00:23:20,172
- PWIP what?
- PWIP PIP.
497
00:23:20,173 --> 00:23:23,299
What is it, a report on bird calls?
What does it even stand for?
498
00:23:23,300 --> 00:23:26,928
I can't recall. It's factish.
Intel for and against intervention.
499
00:23:26,929 --> 00:23:31,015
We have all the facts on this we need.
We don't need any more facts.
500
00:23:31,016 --> 00:23:33,661
In the land of truth, my friend...
501
00:23:34,185 --> 00:23:36,479
the man with one fact is the king.
502
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,481
You said there was something else,
what is that?
503
00:23:39,482 --> 00:23:41,776
In the meeting with the Foreign Office,
504
00:23:41,777 --> 00:23:45,153
the committee was accidentally
and briefly alluded to.
505
00:23:45,154 --> 00:23:46,905
Which committee?
506
00:23:46,906 --> 00:23:49,200
The... The war committee, sir.
507
00:23:49,201 --> 00:23:52,412
All right,
Karen is not to know about this, huh?
508
00:23:52,413 --> 00:23:56,082
She is an excitable, yapping she-dog.
509
00:23:56,083 --> 00:23:58,792
Get a hold of those minutes.
I have to correct the record.
510
00:23:58,794 --> 00:24:01,045
- We can do that?
- Yes, we can.
511
00:24:01,046 --> 00:24:03,381
Those minutes are an aide-mémoire
for us.
512
00:24:03,382 --> 00:24:08,260
They should not be a reductive record
of what happened to have been said,
513
00:24:08,261 --> 00:24:12,347
but they should be more a full record of
what was intended to have been said.
514
00:24:12,348 --> 00:24:15,392
I think that's the more accurate version,
don't you?
515
00:24:15,393 --> 00:24:17,102
- Sir.
- Right.
516
00:24:17,103 --> 00:24:19,770
I don't like this section, let's cut that.
517
00:24:19,771 --> 00:24:21,772
Aye aye, sir.
518
00:24:21,773 --> 00:24:23,275
Let's reverse this.
519
00:24:23,276 --> 00:24:25,317
That was something Karen said, sir.
520
00:24:25,319 --> 00:24:27,612
Well, it's not right, so let's change it.
521
00:24:27,613 --> 00:24:30,531
- Aye, aye, sir.
- And... And I like... I like this.
522
00:24:30,532 --> 00:24:32,325
Ah, thank you, sir.
523
00:24:32,326 --> 00:24:34,952
Yeah, let's say
everyone agreed with that, huh?
524
00:24:34,953 --> 00:24:39,415
So... So the car
will pick you up from the airport.
525
00:24:39,416 --> 00:24:41,792
It's supposed to be
quite a good one, I believe.
526
00:24:41,794 --> 00:24:44,796
The Americans are doing that.
I've just got the contact numbers.
527
00:24:44,797 --> 00:24:46,964
What's she so fucking happy about?
528
00:24:46,965 --> 00:24:49,050
She's probably just on a personal call.
529
00:24:49,051 --> 00:24:51,052
(Judy laughs)
530
00:24:51,054 --> 00:24:53,430
Why has she got control of the blinds?
531
00:24:53,431 --> 00:24:54,597
I think it's...
532
00:24:54,598 --> 00:24:59,435
I'm a government minister and
I don't have control of my own blinds.
533
00:24:59,436 --> 00:25:03,772
I could order you some blinds. I could
order you some nice, heavy curtains,
534
00:25:03,773 --> 00:25:06,107
with swags and a pelmet maybe.
535
00:25:06,108 --> 00:25:08,818
Yes, do that.
536
00:25:08,819 --> 00:25:11,167
OK.
537
00:25:11,655 --> 00:25:14,170
Will you come with me?
538
00:25:20,999 --> 00:25:25,336
So, listen... my team for the US,
Team Simon...
539
00:25:25,336 --> 00:25:29,522
I'm thinking of taking you
and leaving Judy.
540
00:25:30,049 --> 00:25:31,800
I could work with that, definitely.
541
00:25:31,801 --> 00:25:33,594
Plus, she can be a bit, you know...
542
00:25:33,595 --> 00:25:36,262
"Everything's a bit shit, isn't it?"
Like that.
543
00:25:36,263 --> 00:25:38,182
Yeah, it's true. No, she can be,
544
00:25:38,182 --> 00:25:42,478
"Oh, so you're the President and
I'm supposed to be impressed by that?"
545
00:25:42,479 --> 00:25:45,605
"My husband works in Tower Hamlets.
Meh, meh, meh. "
546
00:25:45,606 --> 00:25:48,067
"Which is much harder
than being President. "
547
00:25:48,067 --> 00:25:51,903
Yeah, OK. Well, that's settled. Fuck it,
she's staying here. Go and tell her.
548
00:25:51,904 --> 00:25:53,613
What?
549
00:25:53,614 --> 00:25:56,990
KAREN: Well, that moves us on
to any other business.
550
00:25:56,991 --> 00:26:00,662
I think I've flagged everything
that I need to discuss, as I usually do.
551
00:26:00,663 --> 00:26:02,747
Everything you're prepared to discuss.
552
00:26:02,748 --> 00:26:04,289
What is that? What are you doing?
553
00:26:04,290 --> 00:26:08,127
I understand you've started a new
committee, Linton. What is that called?
554
00:26:08,128 --> 00:26:09,671
What makes you think that?
555
00:26:09,672 --> 00:26:12,006
It was mentioned
at our meeting in London.
556
00:26:12,007 --> 00:26:13,465
Well, you must have misheard me.
557
00:26:13,467 --> 00:26:15,926
No. I misheard the word "committee"?
558
00:26:15,928 --> 00:26:18,011
Maybe it was another word.
559
00:26:18,012 --> 00:26:20,013
Like, say, Khomeini.
560
00:26:20,015 --> 00:26:23,518
- You're sitting on a new Khomeini?
- Possibly. There are a lot of words.
561
00:26:23,519 --> 00:26:25,686
Kansas City. Kitty.
562
00:26:25,688 --> 00:26:27,480
- Itty.
- "Itty?"
563
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:28,897
"Itty" is not a word, Bob.
564
00:26:28,898 --> 00:26:31,651
- Commissary.
- Thank you, James...
565
00:26:31,652 --> 00:26:34,069
Why don't you just recap for me,
at the moment,
566
00:26:34,070 --> 00:26:36,530
all the committees
that you're currently sitting on?
567
00:26:36,531 --> 00:26:41,096
I'm sorry, Karen, but you... you appear
to be bleeding from the teeth.
568
00:26:41,577 --> 00:26:43,537
Let me see that. Holy Mother of...
569
00:26:43,538 --> 00:26:46,164
Well, don't try to change the subject.
570
00:26:46,165 --> 00:26:49,084
I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry.
Just ignore the blood.
571
00:26:49,085 --> 00:26:52,461
- We haven't finished the meeting.
- I can't ignore... I'm sorry.
572
00:26:52,463 --> 00:26:54,964
I don't mean to be rude,
but this is a tad repulsive.
573
00:26:54,965 --> 00:26:58,551
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Liza, come with me, I need you.
574
00:26:58,552 --> 00:26:59,720
Chad, stay here.
575
00:26:59,721 --> 00:27:02,556
Go, Buffy, you belong
to the vampire queen now.
576
00:27:02,557 --> 00:27:04,557
- Liza.
- I'm coming.
577
00:27:04,558 --> 00:27:07,560
Oh, my God. Shit! He's in there alone.
578
00:27:07,561 --> 00:27:10,105
I cannot stand to see
a woman bleed from the mouth.
579
00:27:10,105 --> 00:27:14,484
It reminds me of country and western
music, which I cannot abide. Huh?
580
00:27:14,486 --> 00:27:17,488
That stuff is just choking the airwaves.
581
00:27:17,489 --> 00:27:19,948
- Look, sorry, we just need...
- Oh, my God!
582
00:27:19,949 --> 00:27:23,285
- It's really bad. It's really bad.
- I can't touch anything...
583
00:27:23,286 --> 00:27:26,078
- Nobody was joking.
- It's... I need to catch it.
584
00:27:26,079 --> 00:27:28,164
How far are you with the committees?
585
00:27:28,165 --> 00:27:29,999
I've got it down to two, actually.
586
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,919
One is the "Aims and
Policy Alignment Committee".
587
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:35,212
The other is the
"Future Planning Committee".
588
00:27:35,213 --> 00:27:37,757
It's not the first one,
because I set that up.
589
00:27:37,758 --> 00:27:41,219
Does it really sound dull to you?
I thought it was a good name.
590
00:27:41,220 --> 00:27:44,387
Right, no... it is a good name.
591
00:27:44,388 --> 00:27:48,058
Well, find out if it really is the...
"Future Planning Committee".
592
00:27:48,059 --> 00:27:50,269
Find out if it really is that.
593
00:27:50,269 --> 00:27:54,105
Um... OK, well, I might go and do that.
594
00:27:54,106 --> 00:27:57,026
You're not going to shout at me
if I go and do that, are you?
595
00:27:57,027 --> 00:27:59,111
I'm not a monster, Liza. OK?
596
00:27:59,112 --> 00:28:02,836
Will you stop implying
that I'm some kind of monster?
597
00:28:04,660 --> 00:28:06,618
Bob!
598
00:28:06,619 --> 00:28:08,621
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
599
00:28:08,622 --> 00:28:12,625
I wanted to tell you
we're having this stupid
600
00:28:12,625 --> 00:28:16,211
"hunk of the month of the office"
kind of contest.
601
00:28:16,212 --> 00:28:20,214
And I just didn't want, you know,
you to feel objectified in any way,
602
00:28:20,215 --> 00:28:22,592
- or anything like that.
- No, not at all.
603
00:28:22,593 --> 00:28:25,736
And Karen knows about
the Future Planning Committee.
604
00:28:27,557 --> 00:28:29,807
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
605
00:28:29,808 --> 00:28:32,018
- No?
- No.
606
00:28:32,019 --> 00:28:34,284
Excuse me.
607
00:28:36,941 --> 00:28:40,166
Future Planning Committee,
that's what it is.
608
00:28:45,907 --> 00:28:47,992
TOBY:
Wow!
609
00:28:47,993 --> 00:28:50,036
This is fucking cool.
610
00:28:50,037 --> 00:28:53,080
Don't be callow, Toby,
we're on official business.
611
00:28:53,082 --> 00:28:56,141
- This way, gentlemen.
- Oh, thanks.
612
00:28:58,253 --> 00:29:00,838
That was a little bit fucking cool.
613
00:29:00,839 --> 00:29:02,339
Yep.
614
00:29:02,340 --> 00:29:05,050
- Did you book a car?
- Me? No.
615
00:29:05,051 --> 00:29:07,885
Well, Judy will have booked a car.
616
00:29:07,887 --> 00:29:09,262
Judy?
617
00:29:09,263 --> 00:29:11,682
- Hi.
- For fuck's sake!
618
00:29:11,682 --> 00:29:13,683
I was wondering
what the car situation is?
619
00:29:13,684 --> 00:29:16,811
It's Robbie's job to book it
and your job to check it.
620
00:29:16,813 --> 00:29:20,523
There's obviously...
some snarl-up at her end, I think.
621
00:29:20,525 --> 00:29:23,086
- "Simon Forester. "
- Oh.
622
00:29:23,944 --> 00:29:25,613
Thank you very much.
623
00:29:25,614 --> 00:29:28,656
"England Government,
Simon Forester. "
624
00:29:28,657 --> 00:29:31,076
My name's Simon Foster,
it's British Government.
625
00:29:31,076 --> 00:29:33,637
(siren)
626
00:29:34,955 --> 00:29:37,875
Hey, Gav, I'm in a fucking motorcade.
627
00:29:37,875 --> 00:29:39,807
Yeah.
628
00:29:40,127 --> 00:29:43,047
I feel like we should have hookers,
do you know what I mean?
629
00:29:43,048 --> 00:29:45,608
I mean in here... now.
630
00:29:52,766 --> 00:29:57,101
- Do you want girls?
- No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not.
631
00:29:57,102 --> 00:30:00,493
No, sorry.
No hookers, it was just a joke.
632
00:30:01,315 --> 00:30:05,834
I hate hookers. Not in
an aggressive way, but, no, thank you.
633
00:30:06,945 --> 00:30:08,904
Strange hotel.
634
00:30:08,905 --> 00:30:12,676
TOBY: It's like a hangar
for businessmen, isn't it?
635
00:30:13,368 --> 00:30:15,369
- That's better, isn't it?
- It's big, yeah.
636
00:30:15,371 --> 00:30:17,932
Just bring them here, that's fine.
637
00:30:20,541 --> 00:30:23,732
Tobes, have you got any m...
638
00:30:24,337 --> 00:30:27,882
Well, I haven't been to an ATM,
so I've not... I've only got English.
639
00:30:27,883 --> 00:30:30,175
I mean,
I don't suppose English money is...
640
00:30:30,176 --> 00:30:32,260
This and this, sorry that's...
641
00:30:32,262 --> 00:30:34,823
TOBY:
It's usually a dollar a bag.
642
00:30:38,309 --> 00:30:40,310
Ooh, well, there's the Capitol,
643
00:30:40,311 --> 00:30:42,939
you can see there through
that window and that tree.
644
00:30:42,940 --> 00:30:47,042
Technically,
you've got a Capitol Hill view.
645
00:30:47,943 --> 00:30:50,458
(classical music)
646
00:30:55,701 --> 00:30:56,785
Hi.
647
00:30:56,786 --> 00:30:58,953
Excuse me.
648
00:30:58,954 --> 00:31:00,579
Hello. How are you doing?
649
00:31:00,580 --> 00:31:03,125
Was it something I said?
I haven't seen you in a month.
650
00:31:03,125 --> 00:31:05,501
I haven't felt that in years. Thank you.
651
00:31:05,502 --> 00:31:06,795
You're beautiful.
652
00:31:06,796 --> 00:31:09,923
Oh, thank you.
I'm sure you say that to all the girls.
653
00:31:09,923 --> 00:31:13,343
Yes, I do...
and some of the soldiers, too.
654
00:31:13,344 --> 00:31:16,137
That's why you shouldn't
run for office, bimbo eruptions.
655
00:31:16,138 --> 00:31:19,016
Come on, don't believe that shit.
I'm not gonna run for office.
656
00:31:19,017 --> 00:31:21,518
I'm just trying to do something different.
657
00:31:21,519 --> 00:31:23,353
It's one of the reasons I like you.
658
00:31:23,354 --> 00:31:25,980
I know your passion
about education and housing and...
659
00:31:25,981 --> 00:31:28,650
- Lingerie. Bestiality.
- There you go.
660
00:31:28,651 --> 00:31:30,986
I'd forgotten about that.
661
00:31:30,987 --> 00:31:33,362
Are you still allergic to the dog?
662
00:31:33,363 --> 00:31:36,781
Yes, yes, I wake up and my eyes
are closed and my head is swollen
663
00:31:36,782 --> 00:31:38,742
and I look like a giant ball sac.
664
00:31:38,743 --> 00:31:40,577
Oh, my God. You know,
665
00:31:40,578 --> 00:31:43,705
they do have modern medication
for that sort of thing.
666
00:31:43,707 --> 00:31:46,000
- Beautiful ball sac, though.
- Thank you very much.
667
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:48,376
- How's the Pentagon?
- It's kicked up a little.
668
00:31:48,377 --> 00:31:51,005
They're talking invasion
reasonably seriously.
669
00:31:51,006 --> 00:31:53,339
Is there somewhere
we can talk about this?
670
00:31:53,340 --> 00:31:55,384
- I don't know.
- There must be.
671
00:31:55,384 --> 00:31:57,802
- I don't live here.
- Follow me.
672
00:31:57,804 --> 00:32:00,847
- Go that way.
- Don't let people know we're leaving.
673
00:32:00,848 --> 00:32:04,018
This is good. Her daughter's not home,
I talked to her.
674
00:32:04,019 --> 00:32:06,019
- In here?
- Yeah.
675
00:32:06,020 --> 00:32:10,023
Although, I don't know what we'll say
if somebody comes in right now.
676
00:32:10,025 --> 00:32:12,526
No, I can't think
of a good possible excuse, no.
677
00:32:12,527 --> 00:32:14,278
No, me neither, me neither.
678
00:32:14,278 --> 00:32:16,071
- What?
- Come here.
679
00:32:16,073 --> 00:32:18,199
Just be careful, don't mess stuff up.
680
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:21,785
- Oh, come on, it's toys.
- Let's sit down.
681
00:32:21,786 --> 00:32:24,346
- So...
- Yeah.
682
00:32:24,829 --> 00:32:26,705
Not enough troops.
683
00:32:26,707 --> 00:32:29,041
Total minimum
European Theatre requirement.
684
00:32:29,042 --> 00:32:31,085
The Far East, Asia.
685
00:32:31,086 --> 00:32:33,755
- OK. That's how many we have?
- Total there, yes.
686
00:32:33,756 --> 00:32:36,215
And then we have the contingency
already deployed.
687
00:32:36,217 --> 00:32:38,300
OK, I don't... You've lost me.
688
00:32:38,301 --> 00:32:40,595
Hold on a minute...
689
00:32:40,596 --> 00:32:42,638
Oh, fuck this.
690
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:44,786
What?
691
00:32:51,481 --> 00:32:53,232
TOY:
* La la la, la la la la, la la la.
692
00:32:53,233 --> 00:32:54,442
Good.
693
00:32:54,442 --> 00:32:57,237
Your military hardware
is impressive, General.
694
00:32:57,238 --> 00:32:59,404
Yeah, well, not any more, it isn't.
695
00:32:59,406 --> 00:33:02,680
- So, you add these together.
(toy sound effects)
696
00:33:04,662 --> 00:33:09,082
So this is the number of combat troops
available for an invasion,
697
00:33:09,083 --> 00:33:11,061
according to these figures.
698
00:33:11,875 --> 00:33:13,376
TOY:
12!
699
00:33:13,377 --> 00:33:15,127
Thousand?
700
00:33:15,130 --> 00:33:17,130
No, 12. 12 troops.
701
00:33:17,132 --> 00:33:18,840
Oh, come on, you're shitting me?
702
00:33:18,842 --> 00:33:22,469
I am shitting you.
12,000 troops, 12,000 troops,
703
00:33:22,470 --> 00:33:26,515
but that's not enough...
that's the amount that are going to die.
704
00:33:26,516 --> 00:33:29,351
And at the end of a war
you need some soldiers left, really,
705
00:33:29,352 --> 00:33:31,664
or else it looks like you've lost.
706
00:33:32,313 --> 00:33:34,439
TOY:
Bye, for now.
707
00:33:34,441 --> 00:33:37,358
You know what? I've got some Brits
I have to meet tomorrow.
708
00:33:37,359 --> 00:33:39,111
A guy named Simon Foster.
709
00:33:39,112 --> 00:33:40,945
Who's Simon Foster?
710
00:33:40,947 --> 00:33:44,532
He's this guy that said publicly
that war was unforeseeable.
711
00:33:44,534 --> 00:33:47,493
And I think he could be very useful
on the war committee.
712
00:33:47,494 --> 00:33:50,288
He can internationalize the dissent,
start to.
713
00:33:50,289 --> 00:33:53,682
You're going to use him
as a little meat puppet?
714
00:34:07,221 --> 00:34:09,306
Tobes... hi.
715
00:34:09,307 --> 00:34:11,309
Hi.
716
00:34:11,309 --> 00:34:14,666
What are we gonna... do tonight?
717
00:34:15,188 --> 00:34:17,148
Gonna do tonight?
718
00:34:17,148 --> 00:34:21,152
Yes, what are we up to, my...
my chief aide...?
719
00:34:21,152 --> 00:34:23,987
Well... yeah, I mean,
I sort of thought tonight
720
00:34:23,989 --> 00:34:26,990
we'd probably be just a bit tired, really.
721
00:34:26,992 --> 00:34:31,746
No, I am tired.
But I'm also a career politician, Toby,
722
00:34:31,746 --> 00:34:35,498
in the political powerhouse of the world
for 48 hours,
723
00:34:35,501 --> 00:34:39,920
and I thought it might be nice to go out
rather than just sitting in my room
724
00:34:39,922 --> 00:34:42,590
trying to spank one out
over a shark documentary,
725
00:34:42,590 --> 00:34:44,382
because I'm scared if I watch a porno
726
00:34:44,384 --> 00:34:48,273
it'll end up in
the register of members' interests. So...
727
00:34:49,222 --> 00:34:51,181
What have you got... for us to do?
728
00:34:51,181 --> 00:34:54,538
Right, what have I got?
Well, so far we've got...
729
00:34:55,436 --> 00:34:57,186
Well, there's a leaflet through the door
730
00:34:57,188 --> 00:35:01,161
for happy hour at the bar
which might be interesting.
731
00:35:01,608 --> 00:35:03,985
Also I do have the number of a guy
732
00:35:03,985 --> 00:35:07,864
I was at uni with
who works for CNN out here.
733
00:35:07,864 --> 00:35:10,425
- No.
- No?
734
00:35:12,411 --> 00:35:15,038
- Where are you?
- I'm waving at you.
735
00:35:15,039 --> 00:35:16,831
I don't see you, be more visible.
736
00:35:16,831 --> 00:35:20,710
I'm, like, practically on top of you, I'm
coming to you, is what I'm going to do.
737
00:35:20,710 --> 00:35:23,045
You can stop talking
on your cell phone now.
738
00:35:23,047 --> 00:35:24,880
Of course I can.
739
00:35:24,882 --> 00:35:27,634
Look, I have to leave.
Phone Simon Foster's guy.
740
00:35:27,635 --> 00:35:29,760
Tell them, come to the war committee.
741
00:35:29,762 --> 00:35:32,556
I'll give them some face time
tomorrow around ten o'clock.
742
00:35:32,556 --> 00:35:35,849
It'll be coffee and Danish.
Tea. They'll want tea.
743
00:35:35,849 --> 00:35:39,123
Tea and sympathy,
tea and a hand job, whatever.
744
00:35:40,188 --> 00:35:43,440
great deal that is unknown
about hammerhead sharks,
745
00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:44,900
such as their mating habits.
746
00:35:44,900 --> 00:35:47,795
You can definitely spot
the female ones.
747
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:49,655
Hello.
748
00:35:49,655 --> 00:35:52,949
Hi, Toby, what are you doing tonight?
749
00:35:52,951 --> 00:35:55,952
Well, no, it's unbelievably hectic.
Actually we're...
750
00:35:55,954 --> 00:35:58,121
Their courtship is a violent affair.
751
00:35:58,123 --> 00:36:01,625
The male will bite the female
until she acquiesces.
752
00:36:01,626 --> 00:36:04,628
The war committee, that's a big thing,
Liza.
753
00:36:04,628 --> 00:36:07,840
Yeah, well,
I have been on committees before,
754
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:11,677
the Challenges For The Cheese
Market, that was one of the big ones.
755
00:36:11,677 --> 00:36:14,262
Yeah, God, yeah. Love a drink.
756
00:36:14,264 --> 00:36:16,681
40 minutes is perfect, yeah, yeah.
757
00:36:16,682 --> 00:36:19,659
Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Bye, bye.
758
00:36:21,521 --> 00:36:23,646
- Matty, how's CNN?
- Great.
759
00:36:23,648 --> 00:36:25,481
I can't, mate, no.
760
00:36:25,481 --> 00:36:29,277
Liza Weld has got us onto the Future
Planning Committee in the morning.
761
00:36:29,277 --> 00:36:31,903
The "war committee"
to the likes of you and me.
762
00:36:31,905 --> 00:36:33,697
What are you talking about?
763
00:36:33,699 --> 00:36:37,159
The Future Planning Committee
is Linton's war committee.
764
00:36:37,161 --> 00:36:40,663
Do you not work for CN N
or is it the Cartoon News Network?
765
00:36:40,664 --> 00:36:42,706
(knocking at door)
766
00:36:42,708 --> 00:36:45,268
(continued knocking)
767
00:36:46,545 --> 00:36:49,213
Come in.
I just wasn't expecting to see you here.
768
00:36:49,213 --> 00:36:51,840
Physically here.
Obviously you're always in my heart.
769
00:36:51,842 --> 00:36:55,052
I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking
everywhere, I'm the egg man.
770
00:36:55,054 --> 00:36:57,554
Have you come to insult me
in a different time zone?
771
00:36:57,556 --> 00:37:01,351
Yeah. No, sorry, I'm just off out
for a drink with her just now.
772
00:37:01,351 --> 00:37:04,519
No. You're barking up
the wrong cock there, my friend.
773
00:37:04,521 --> 00:37:07,398
Little Toby is staying very much
in his hammock this evening.
774
00:37:07,398 --> 00:37:09,525
- Simon, I've got us on the...
- Hiya.
775
00:37:09,525 --> 00:37:11,693
Jesus Christ, fucking hell, Malcolm.
776
00:37:11,695 --> 00:37:14,320
You're supposed to shit yourself
in there, not out here.
777
00:37:14,322 --> 00:37:18,867
I've got us on Linton's Future Planning
Committee for tomorrow morning.
778
00:37:18,867 --> 00:37:21,286
Brilliant. What is that?
779
00:37:21,286 --> 00:37:23,288
It's the war committee.
780
00:37:23,289 --> 00:37:26,208
What? The actual war...
the actual war committee?
781
00:37:26,208 --> 00:37:29,878
- Who's going to be there?
- Karen Clark, Liza Weld,
782
00:37:29,878 --> 00:37:31,880
me and Simon...
783
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:33,882
Simon and me.
784
00:37:33,882 --> 00:37:36,717
How about the rest of the committee,
who are they going to be?
785
00:37:36,719 --> 00:37:39,262
Jimmy Osmond, Gwyneth Paltrow?
It's a diversion.
786
00:37:39,262 --> 00:37:42,014
The real committee,
that's happening at the White House.
787
00:37:42,016 --> 00:37:44,559
I'll text you the details,
because I'm going to go out
788
00:37:44,559 --> 00:37:47,228
for a drink with
some State Department bods just now.
789
00:37:47,230 --> 00:37:50,440
Don't mention this to the press, OK?
Don't mention it to anyone.
790
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:53,402
If the press get a whiff
that there's a war committee
791
00:37:53,402 --> 00:37:55,737
even a cardboard one,
every fucker in this town
792
00:37:55,737 --> 00:37:57,739
is gonna turn up and try and get on it.
793
00:37:57,739 --> 00:38:01,130
So no matter what gay bar
you end up in, keep it shtoom.
794
00:38:02,786 --> 00:38:04,744
SIMON:
I was watching that.
795
00:38:04,746 --> 00:38:07,123
Yeah, well,
I have to have a word with you.
796
00:38:07,123 --> 00:38:09,969
You might want
to slip into your negligee.
797
00:38:10,460 --> 00:38:13,021
(heavy rock music)
798
00:38:15,798 --> 00:38:18,092
- You see this mosh pit?
- Yeah.
799
00:38:18,092 --> 00:38:21,762
Well, they're mostly house staffers,
senators' interns.
800
00:38:21,762 --> 00:38:25,224
Tonight they rage hard,
but tomorrow they go back to the Hill
801
00:38:25,224 --> 00:38:28,831
and argue noise-reduction legislation.
802
00:38:30,646 --> 00:38:33,648
- Is this yours or mine?
- I don't know, I've got three.
803
00:38:33,650 --> 00:38:35,775
So one of these has got to be yours.
804
00:38:35,777 --> 00:38:39,155
Those are like fluids that I've never...
would you call wax a fluid?
805
00:38:39,155 --> 00:38:41,282
No, it's not a fluid, it's more of a...
806
00:38:41,282 --> 00:38:44,242
- It's very intimate.
- It's an ooze... it's an ooze.
807
00:38:44,244 --> 00:38:46,804
Ooo... eugh!
808
00:38:52,126 --> 00:38:55,003
Karen will want you to say
"War is unforeseeable. "
809
00:38:55,003 --> 00:38:58,965
And Linton will want you to talk up the
"climbing the mountain of conflict" line.
810
00:38:58,965 --> 00:39:01,009
You say nothing, OK?
811
00:39:01,010 --> 00:39:04,846
You stay detached, otherwise
that's what I will do to your retinas.
812
00:39:04,847 --> 00:39:06,889
Right. Can I go to bed now, please?
813
00:39:06,891 --> 00:39:09,057
No, no, no, no.
We're going to stay here
814
00:39:09,059 --> 00:39:12,072
and you are going to rehearse
saying nothing.
815
00:39:12,563 --> 00:39:14,876
Am I being tortured?
816
00:39:15,858 --> 00:39:17,692
TOBY:
You look worried.
817
00:39:17,693 --> 00:39:21,070
It's the paper that I wrote for Karen.
818
00:39:21,072 --> 00:39:24,199
It's called PWIP PIP, it's about war.
819
00:39:24,199 --> 00:39:27,534
The pros and cons,
and I came up with too many cons.
820
00:39:27,536 --> 00:39:30,246
I'm, like, fucking worried because...
821
00:39:30,246 --> 00:39:34,054
this is, like, my career on the line.
822
00:39:34,543 --> 00:39:38,045
I thought you were worried,
because you were looking worried.
823
00:39:38,047 --> 00:39:42,695
But you know, don't...
I mean, don't... don't worry.
824
00:39:44,135 --> 00:39:46,135
- Thank you.
- OK.
825
00:39:46,137 --> 00:39:48,697
- Sure.
- Thank you.
826
00:39:49,724 --> 00:39:52,237
LIZA:
God damn it!
827
00:39:53,393 --> 00:39:56,563
TOBY: Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm just taking off my shoes.
828
00:39:56,563 --> 00:39:58,648
Why is that? Is it a mosque?
829
00:39:58,650 --> 00:40:00,692
It's just, like...
830
00:40:00,693 --> 00:40:02,693
Is it... Is it a bouncy castle?
831
00:40:02,695 --> 00:40:05,255
(laughter)
832
00:40:09,077 --> 00:40:11,036
(kissing)
833
00:40:11,036 --> 00:40:13,329
Can I just say,
what happens in Washington,
834
00:40:13,331 --> 00:40:15,891
stays in Washington, yeah?
835
00:40:16,376 --> 00:40:21,309
Well, I live in Washington, so that
doesn't, like, really work for me.
836
00:40:21,547 --> 00:40:23,443
TOBY:
Yeah?
837
00:40:39,021 --> 00:40:42,460
A number for a cab company
in Washington DC, please.
838
00:40:43,443 --> 00:40:47,333
Just straight through, straight through.
Hi, I need a cab.
839
00:40:47,947 --> 00:40:53,702
Well, I don't know.
I'm outside number 1427, moving on...
840
00:40:53,704 --> 00:40:56,414
I don't know,
it's a nice street, it's quite leafy,
841
00:40:56,414 --> 00:40:58,976
federal houses.
842
00:41:04,255 --> 00:41:06,007
Marcel's is nice.
843
00:41:06,007 --> 00:41:07,800
I like their wraps.
844
00:41:07,800 --> 00:41:11,387
And you should go to La Taverna,
the Greek place, that's fantastic.
845
00:41:11,387 --> 00:41:13,639
They do that thing
where they set fire to the cheese.
846
00:41:13,639 --> 00:41:15,514
What's that called? It's a lot of fun.
847
00:41:15,516 --> 00:41:18,195
Yes, it sounds fun.
848
00:41:21,230 --> 00:41:26,025
And, well, there's the Aerospace
Museum and the National Gallery.
849
00:41:26,027 --> 00:41:28,588
Do they set fire to the pictures?
850
00:41:29,655 --> 00:41:32,168
Yeah.
851
00:41:33,867 --> 00:41:39,789
Hi, sorry I'm so late for the meeting.
One or two issues getting here, but...
852
00:41:39,789 --> 00:41:41,958
- I'm Karen.
- Hi. Toby.
853
00:41:41,958 --> 00:41:44,023
Pull an all-nighter?
854
00:41:45,378 --> 00:41:49,601
- Well, I... I was led astray.
- Oh. By who?
855
00:41:50,425 --> 00:41:54,846
I... I just ran into some people
from the MoD and...
856
00:41:54,847 --> 00:41:56,806
Not Penny Grayling?
857
00:41:56,806 --> 00:41:58,641
No.
858
00:41:58,643 --> 00:42:01,644
Another... gang.
859
00:42:01,646 --> 00:42:04,646
Wow, I didn't realize we had
so many delegations in town.
860
00:42:04,648 --> 00:42:07,873
No, well... "The British are coming!"
861
00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:15,157
So...
862
00:42:15,157 --> 00:42:18,869
Yeah, you know what? I have a lot
of things to check on just now.
863
00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:22,498
So this would probably be
a good place to break things up.
864
00:42:22,498 --> 00:42:23,831
No problem.
865
00:42:23,833 --> 00:42:25,083
Brilliant.
866
00:42:25,085 --> 00:42:27,231
Bye.
867
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:32,561
I've brought your bag for you.
868
00:42:32,884 --> 00:42:34,385
Cheers, man.
869
00:42:34,385 --> 00:42:37,512
Tobes, I don't want to have to
read you the riot act here,
870
00:42:37,514 --> 00:42:41,182
but I am going to have to read you
some extracts from the riot act.
871
00:42:41,184 --> 00:42:46,271
Like section one, paragraph one: don't
leave your boss twisting in the wind,
872
00:42:46,273 --> 00:42:51,585
and then burst in late
smelling like a pissed seaside donkey.
873
00:42:52,070 --> 00:42:54,737
(lamely): "The British are coming. "
874
00:42:54,737 --> 00:42:57,532
All right, I was late for the meeting.
I am sorry,
875
00:42:57,532 --> 00:43:00,242
but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?
876
00:43:00,244 --> 00:43:02,804
No, you're right, I'm being unfair.
877
00:43:02,913 --> 00:43:06,039
I should be thanking you
for not throwing up.
878
00:43:06,041 --> 00:43:09,793
Well done, you're a star.
You didn't wet yourself, did you?
879
00:43:09,795 --> 00:43:13,630
You're in the right city.
You didn't say anything overtly racist.
880
00:43:13,632 --> 00:43:16,550
You didn't pull your dick out
and start plucking it
881
00:43:16,552 --> 00:43:19,094
and shouting, "Willy banjo. "
882
00:43:19,096 --> 00:43:21,431
No, I'm being really unfair.
883
00:43:21,431 --> 00:43:25,559
You'd got so much right
without actually being there
884
00:43:25,561 --> 00:43:29,782
for the beginning of one of the
most important moments of my career.
885
00:43:30,273 --> 00:43:33,666
Thanks, you're a legend.
886
00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:43,492
That was just the beginning, do you
think? Are we going back in there?
887
00:43:43,494 --> 00:43:45,244
I don't know, we barely said hello.
888
00:43:45,246 --> 00:43:47,164
I've had muggings
that lasted longer.
889
00:43:47,164 --> 00:43:49,583
All we talked about
was flammable cheese.
890
00:43:49,583 --> 00:43:53,920
TOBY: What if our meeting has
finished? What if Karen comes back,
891
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:55,963
and then we're still sitting here?
892
00:43:55,965 --> 00:44:00,092
It's going to be embarrassing, isn't it?
We're going to look like groupies.
893
00:44:00,094 --> 00:44:01,927
What if the meeting hasn't finished?
894
00:44:01,929 --> 00:44:03,929
And she comes back
and we've disappeared?
895
00:44:03,931 --> 00:44:05,891
Maybe I could call Judy? She could...
896
00:44:05,891 --> 00:44:09,498
Please can we try
and just do one thing without Judy?
897
00:44:09,500 --> 00:44:10,603
Fine.
898
00:44:10,605 --> 00:44:18,172
I think we've drawn long enough
from that... teat.
899
00:44:19,739 --> 00:44:23,824
Surprisingly enough, a lot of the marble
in the building is not imported.
900
00:44:23,826 --> 00:44:25,952
- Really?
- It's really interesting...
901
00:44:25,952 --> 00:44:28,829
- If you study the stonework...
- Not at the moment.
902
00:44:28,831 --> 00:44:30,914
So, you made it in OK, right?
903
00:44:30,916 --> 00:44:33,541
Yeah, hunky-dory, thanks.
Can I get a coffee?
904
00:44:33,543 --> 00:44:35,418
Sure, sure.
905
00:44:35,420 --> 00:44:39,809
If we just get started, my assistant
should be bringing in coffee shortly.
906
00:44:40,509 --> 00:44:42,510
Your assistant?
907
00:44:42,510 --> 00:44:45,137
Yeah. So, item.
908
00:44:45,137 --> 00:44:48,641
We need to have a conversation about
the mood of the British Parliament,
909
00:44:48,641 --> 00:44:51,226
the bumps in the road ahead
and what not.
910
00:44:51,228 --> 00:44:55,981
I'm sorry, I don't...
This situation here is... is this it?
911
00:44:55,981 --> 00:44:58,400
No offence, son,
but you look like you should still be
912
00:44:58,402 --> 00:45:00,777
at school with your head down
a fucking toilet.
913
00:45:00,778 --> 00:45:04,657
Your first point there, the offence?
I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it.
914
00:45:04,657 --> 00:45:08,536
Your second point, I'm 22, but item,
it's my birthday in nine days, so...
915
00:45:08,536 --> 00:45:11,454
if it will make you feel more
comfortable, we could wait.
916
00:45:11,456 --> 00:45:13,498
Don't get sarcastic with me, son.
917
00:45:13,500 --> 00:45:16,626
We burned this tight-arsed city
to the ground in 1814.
918
00:45:16,628 --> 00:45:20,880
And I'm all for doing it again,
starting with you, you frat fuck.
919
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:22,840
You get sarcastic with me again
920
00:45:22,842 --> 00:45:25,760
and I will stuff so much cotton wool
down your fucking throat
921
00:45:25,760 --> 00:45:28,554
it'll come out your arse
like the tail on a Playboy bunny.
922
00:45:28,556 --> 00:45:32,474
I was led to believe
I was attending the war committee.
923
00:45:32,476 --> 00:45:35,978
Yes, Assistant Secretary of State
Linton Barwick asked me to brief you
924
00:45:35,980 --> 00:45:38,523
on the work of
the Future Planning Committee.
925
00:45:38,523 --> 00:45:40,567
I'm away.
926
00:45:40,568 --> 00:45:43,068
And here we are.
The fucking Vice President
927
00:45:43,070 --> 00:45:45,195
has also graced us with his presence.
928
00:45:45,197 --> 00:45:47,364
Give him a bottle of milk.
929
00:45:47,365 --> 00:45:49,367
You didn't wake me up.
930
00:45:49,367 --> 00:45:52,661
The thought crossed my mind,
but you just looked so sweet there.
931
00:45:52,663 --> 00:45:54,664
You know, with the jet lag and all.
932
00:45:54,664 --> 00:45:57,291
I don't know, I thought
you knew what you were doing.
933
00:45:57,293 --> 00:46:00,378
Well, no. Obviously I didn't know
what I was doing, I was asleep.
934
00:46:00,378 --> 00:46:03,422
That's how people walk through
windows, that's how that happens.
935
00:46:03,423 --> 00:46:05,592
Hey, Liza? I've got another call
936
00:46:05,592 --> 00:46:08,844
for you about the committee
from Senator Crudden's office.
937
00:46:08,844 --> 00:46:11,012
Crudden? What is going on?
938
00:46:11,014 --> 00:46:13,389
I mean, how did CNN
know about the committee?
939
00:46:13,391 --> 00:46:17,311
Did Linton post, like,
an invite on Face book or something?
940
00:46:17,311 --> 00:46:21,063
Liza? Everyone is so hot for this paper,
I just wanted to let you know.
941
00:46:21,065 --> 00:46:23,065
I'm about to run off another ten copies.
942
00:46:23,067 --> 00:46:26,110
- Just stop.
- It's like a Harry Potter book,
943
00:46:26,112 --> 00:46:29,072
if Harry Potter
made people really, really angry.
944
00:46:29,072 --> 00:46:31,824
You're in hot water,
you're lobsterising.
945
00:46:31,826 --> 00:46:34,619
Do you smell lobster?
Because I smell lobster.
946
00:46:34,621 --> 00:46:37,956
Strong... bisque wafting this way.
947
00:46:37,956 --> 00:46:40,041
How far would you go with Linton?
948
00:46:40,043 --> 00:46:42,085
You freaky little stalker.
949
00:46:42,085 --> 00:46:45,422
Downtown?
Or all the way up Brokeback Mountain?
950
00:46:45,422 --> 00:46:48,317
Smells like bisque. Smells like bisque.
951
00:46:54,099 --> 00:46:55,931
(mobile rings)
952
00:46:55,932 --> 00:46:58,684
Where's the war committee?
I thought I was going.
953
00:46:58,684 --> 00:47:01,771
Simon's going. I thought
you were doing your one-to-one?
954
00:47:01,771 --> 00:47:03,438
Where the fuck is it happening?
955
00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:06,317
It's in the State Department
on the seventh floor.
956
00:47:06,318 --> 00:47:08,277
- Malcolm?
- What?
957
00:47:08,277 --> 00:47:12,072
Do you like how I'm telling you
what's going on where you are?
958
00:47:12,074 --> 00:47:14,824
Let me tell you what's going on
where you are, sweetheart.
959
00:47:14,827 --> 00:47:17,661
A certain vinegar-faced,
manipulative cowbag is about
960
00:47:17,663 --> 00:47:19,621
to discover that she's out of a fucking...
961
00:47:19,623 --> 00:47:23,751
job. Fucking hung up, haven't you?
You fucking hoity-toity fucking...
962
00:47:23,751 --> 00:47:26,295
Hey, buddy?
Enough with the curse words, all right?
963
00:47:26,295 --> 00:47:29,652
Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck.
964
00:47:31,802 --> 00:47:34,637
- There's the grenade.
- I know, I'm looking at it.
965
00:47:34,637 --> 00:47:38,181
He's got "Climb the mountain
of conflict" on his picture.
966
00:47:38,182 --> 00:47:40,744
TOBY:
He's picked up on that?
967
00:47:41,228 --> 00:47:43,478
I'm a bumper sticker.
968
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:45,563
Shit, there's Karen Clark.
969
00:47:45,565 --> 00:47:47,876
Have a meeting, have a meeting.
970
00:47:51,195 --> 00:47:54,947
What about the dialectic, as it spreads
across the different territories?
971
00:47:54,949 --> 00:47:57,117
- Interesting dialectic...
- Oh, hi.
972
00:47:57,117 --> 00:47:59,661
Hi. I'll see you at the committee.
973
00:47:59,661 --> 00:48:01,913
We're just sorting out a bit of prep...
974
00:48:01,914 --> 00:48:04,331
Very good, that's great.
975
00:48:04,333 --> 00:48:07,626
- Liza. They're still here.
- I know. I told them where it was.
976
00:48:07,628 --> 00:48:09,336
OK, let's go, let's go. Come on.
977
00:48:09,338 --> 00:48:12,507
Quick, we've got to keep up
with them, now. Let's roll.
978
00:48:12,507 --> 00:48:15,635
No, you can't say "let's roll",
they don't like it here.
979
00:48:15,635 --> 00:48:19,639
That's just who asked to be in
on the committee, it's crazy.
980
00:48:19,639 --> 00:48:22,349
- Yeah.
- Hello.
981
00:48:22,351 --> 00:48:25,519
Are you joining us
or shall we see you there?
982
00:48:25,521 --> 00:48:27,438
Oh, I'm so sorry. No, see you there.
983
00:48:27,440 --> 00:48:30,358
I don't need to do any of the things
984
00:48:30,358 --> 00:48:33,360
that you need to go in there to do,
so I'll just see you there.
985
00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:35,528
- Toby, do you need to use the...?
- No, no, no.
986
00:48:35,530 --> 00:48:38,969
- I don't need the restroom.
- All right, OK.
987
00:48:39,617 --> 00:48:41,659
Yeah, they're insane.
988
00:48:41,661 --> 00:48:43,704
Where is it?
989
00:48:43,704 --> 00:48:45,748
I don't know. We can wait here.
990
00:48:45,748 --> 00:48:49,768
Wait round here. When they come out,
we'll follow them again.
991
00:48:57,260 --> 00:48:59,219
Plenty of room down the back.
992
00:48:59,221 --> 00:49:04,016
We seem to be
overrun with insurgents, Bob, huh?
993
00:49:04,016 --> 00:49:06,684
BOB: There must have been a leak.
- Really, no kidding?
994
00:49:06,686 --> 00:49:10,813
- Unbelievable!
- Is this the wrestling? Is that the ring?
995
00:49:10,815 --> 00:49:12,398
There's General Miller.
996
00:49:12,400 --> 00:49:16,903
I think it's best that we move,
reconvene to a bigger, a larger venue.
997
00:49:16,905 --> 00:49:19,405
- If you follow my lead...
- Take an agenda.
998
00:49:19,407 --> 00:49:22,074
Please take an agenda,
we want to stick to that.
999
00:49:22,076 --> 00:49:26,244
KAREN: This is a cluster fuck.
How did CNN know about this?
1000
00:49:26,246 --> 00:49:29,581
- Hold onto that one!
- Could you get Miller to sign it?
1001
00:49:29,583 --> 00:49:32,793
If we could do this
with a certain amount of energy.
1002
00:49:32,795 --> 00:49:34,836
Just this way, folks.
1003
00:49:34,838 --> 00:49:37,398
Moo!
1004
00:49:43,137 --> 00:49:45,431
Find a chair,
wherever you're comfortable.
1005
00:49:45,431 --> 00:49:47,057
More this way.
1006
00:49:47,059 --> 00:49:49,643
Excellent. I'm room meat again.
1007
00:49:49,644 --> 00:49:54,034
This is a massive abattoir
of room meat.
1008
00:49:54,775 --> 00:49:57,485
Just so you know,
Karen and I did not appreciate
1009
00:49:57,485 --> 00:49:59,820
having to skulk around
like Mulder and Scully
1010
00:49:59,822 --> 00:50:01,655
to find out about the committee.
1011
00:50:01,657 --> 00:50:04,951
Well, you're both here now, huh,
John and Yoko?
1012
00:50:04,952 --> 00:50:06,702
We need to talk.
1013
00:50:06,704 --> 00:50:09,706
How about my office,
12:30 tomorrow, huh?
1014
00:50:09,706 --> 00:50:11,289
OK, off you go.
1015
00:50:11,289 --> 00:50:13,791
- What do you mean?
- I've got this covered.
1016
00:50:13,793 --> 00:50:17,461
Go and find the next thing. Talk to that
Chad boy, the boy from The Shining.
1017
00:50:17,463 --> 00:50:18,963
He knows things.
1018
00:50:18,965 --> 00:50:22,134
- Don't make me pump Chad.
- No, I'm making you pump Chad.
1019
00:50:22,135 --> 00:50:24,719
Go on, it'll be easy-peasey
lemon-squeezy.
1020
00:50:24,721 --> 00:50:29,557
No, it won't. It'll be difficult, difficult,
lemon difficult, that is what it'll be.
1021
00:50:29,559 --> 00:50:31,976
Have a lovely afternoon.
Stop a war for me.
1022
00:50:31,978 --> 00:50:36,063
So, welcome
to the somewhat engorged
1023
00:50:36,065 --> 00:50:39,317
session of
the Future Planning Committee.
1024
00:50:39,318 --> 00:50:42,153
KAREN:
Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six,
1025
00:50:42,155 --> 00:50:45,990
it feels like there's already been
an assumption that we're invading
1026
00:50:45,992 --> 00:50:50,954
and don't you think that we should
discuss the practical implications?
1027
00:50:50,954 --> 00:50:53,873
I mean, this is,
after all, the war committee.
1028
00:50:53,875 --> 00:50:56,501
This is the Future Planning Committee.
1029
00:50:56,501 --> 00:50:59,670
Well, unofficially,
it is called the war committee.
1030
00:50:59,670 --> 00:51:03,298
Well, Karen, unofficially,
we can call anything whatever we want.
1031
00:51:03,300 --> 00:51:08,179
I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but
it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water.
1032
00:51:08,179 --> 00:51:11,514
And this is
the Future Planning Committee.
1033
00:51:11,516 --> 00:51:14,907
Well, unofficially,
this appears to be bullshit.
1034
00:51:16,396 --> 00:51:18,813
Hey.
1035
00:51:18,815 --> 00:51:21,192
- What's all this?
- "Climb the mountain of conflict"!
1036
00:51:21,193 --> 00:51:24,027
We're just choosing a font
for what looks appropriate.
1037
00:51:24,028 --> 00:51:25,987
What about that font the SS used?
1038
00:51:25,989 --> 00:51:28,199
Have you thought about
using that one?
1039
00:51:28,199 --> 00:51:30,534
Er... well,
that obviously has bad connotations.
1040
00:51:30,534 --> 00:51:32,536
Heavy metal?
1041
00:51:32,536 --> 00:51:34,931
- No, the SS.
- Oh, right.
1042
00:51:38,085 --> 00:51:44,380
Has a decision already been made,
in principle, to advocate invasion?
1043
00:51:44,382 --> 00:51:46,759
I would refer you
to the recent comments
1044
00:51:46,760 --> 00:51:51,804
of our colleague from the UK,
Mr. Simon Foster, in that regard.
1045
00:51:51,806 --> 00:51:56,952
Yes, I think that Mr. Foster
would have something to say to that.
1046
00:51:57,061 --> 00:52:00,369
I'm... I'm certainly
hearing both sides.
1047
00:52:01,273 --> 00:52:06,248
In England we have a saying
for a situation such as this,
1048
00:52:06,248 --> 00:52:10,389
which is
that it's difficult, difficult...
1049
00:52:11,380 --> 00:52:13,894
lemon difficult.
1050
00:52:16,346 --> 00:52:20,641
You betcha. Huh?
I do think a consensus is forming.
1051
00:52:20,643 --> 00:52:24,313
No, No, it's not,
and you have no basis for saying that.
1052
00:52:24,313 --> 00:52:26,148
LINTON:
Karen, calm down.
1053
00:52:26,150 --> 00:52:29,507
Because we don't want you
to have another hemorrhage.
1054
00:52:32,907 --> 00:52:35,422
MALCOLM:
Linton! Linton!
1055
00:52:35,911 --> 00:52:38,914
Mr. Tucker, isn't it?
Nice to see you again.
1056
00:52:38,914 --> 00:52:41,476
Are you fucking me about?
1057
00:52:43,253 --> 00:52:45,255
Is there a problem, Mr. Tucker?
1058
00:52:45,257 --> 00:52:48,594
I've just come from a briefing
with a nine-year-old child.
1059
00:52:48,594 --> 00:52:51,472
You're talking about AJ.
AJ is one of our top guys.
1060
00:52:51,474 --> 00:52:54,476
He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard.
1061
00:52:54,476 --> 00:52:56,311
One of the brightest and best.
1062
00:52:56,313 --> 00:52:59,398
Well, his briefing notes
were written in alphabetti spaghetti.
1063
00:52:59,400 --> 00:53:02,487
When I left, I nearly tripped up
over his fucking umbilical cord.
1064
00:53:02,487 --> 00:53:04,697
I'm sorry it troubles you
that our people
1065
00:53:04,697 --> 00:53:07,076
achieve excellence
at such an early age.
1066
00:53:07,077 --> 00:53:10,371
But could we just move on
to what's important here?
1067
00:53:10,373 --> 00:53:13,751
Now, I understand that
your Prime Minister has asked you
1068
00:53:13,751 --> 00:53:19,757
to supply us with some, say,
fresh British intelligence, is that true?
1069
00:53:19,759 --> 00:53:23,262
Yeah, apparently, your fucking
master race of highly-gifted toddlers
1070
00:53:23,264 --> 00:53:25,722
- can't quite get the job done...
- All right.
1071
00:53:25,724 --> 00:53:28,561
between breast feeds
and playing with their Power Rangers.
1072
00:53:28,561 --> 00:53:31,565
So, an actual grown-up
has been asked to fucking bail you out.
1073
00:53:31,565 --> 00:53:35,360
Ah, Minister. Thank you so much
for your support, we appreciate it.
1074
00:53:35,362 --> 00:53:38,782
And what did you say,
that "Climb the mountain of conflict"?
1075
00:53:38,782 --> 00:53:42,661
- Right, that's terrific.
- It's quite complicated in terms of my...
1076
00:53:42,663 --> 00:53:45,958
It's early days, my friend.
All roads lead to Munich.
1077
00:53:45,958 --> 00:53:48,793
"All roads lead to Munich"?
What the fuck does that mean?
1078
00:53:48,795 --> 00:53:52,521
I think it just means...
Actually, I don't know what it means.
1079
00:53:53,802 --> 00:53:56,806
TOBY: You see that?
Pull that out, America deflates.
1080
00:53:56,806 --> 00:54:00,686
Yeah, very easy to mock. The closest
you'll come to getting one of those
1081
00:54:00,686 --> 00:54:02,771
is buying a fucking Toblerone.
1082
00:54:02,771 --> 00:54:05,483
I'll meet you in the car.
Come on, back to London.
1083
00:54:05,483 --> 00:54:07,527
So, what are we going back to
1084
00:54:07,528 --> 00:54:10,489
apart from a nice cup of tea
and some knife crime?
1085
00:54:10,489 --> 00:54:13,492
Constituency surgery in Northampton.
1086
00:54:13,492 --> 00:54:15,619
Oh, great.
1087
00:54:15,621 --> 00:54:17,664
Meeting my constituents.
1088
00:54:17,664 --> 00:54:21,753
It's like being Simon Cowell
but without the ability to say,
1089
00:54:21,753 --> 00:54:24,648
"Fuck off you're mental".
1090
00:54:33,061 --> 00:54:35,061
SIMON:
It's stuck.
1091
00:54:35,063 --> 00:54:37,481
WOMAN:
Simon, do you mind?
1092
00:54:37,483 --> 00:54:41,588
If you just kick it at the bottom
really hard, that should do it.
1093
00:54:42,989 --> 00:54:46,117
I'm just going to go
and deal with that guttering.
1094
00:54:46,117 --> 00:54:48,286
We've just come back from America,
Roz.
1095
00:54:48,288 --> 00:54:51,541
Right. How was the President?
1096
00:54:51,543 --> 00:54:53,344
Good, actually. Yeah.
1097
00:54:54,003 --> 00:54:55,639
Good.
1098
00:54:57,550 --> 00:55:01,938
Oh, dear, how the mighty have fallen.
From White House to shitehouse.
1099
00:55:02,431 --> 00:55:06,403
Actually, mate, sorry, fuck this,
could you get under there?
1100
00:55:07,644 --> 00:55:10,159
- Is that any better?
- No.
1101
00:55:11,108 --> 00:55:15,153
This septic tank, if we didn't even know
it was there in the first place,
1102
00:55:15,155 --> 00:55:17,615
how come we're responsible for it now?
1103
00:55:17,617 --> 00:55:19,702
I think what's causing the problem
1104
00:55:19,702 --> 00:55:22,788
is that it's not actually
a council septic tank.
1105
00:55:22,789 --> 00:55:26,168
- You should leave this to us now.
- Really?
1106
00:55:26,168 --> 00:55:29,005
Certainly, I'm completely on board.
1107
00:55:29,005 --> 00:55:30,965
- Is he?
- Thanks for coming in.
1108
00:55:30,967 --> 00:55:33,094
- All right?
- Right, yes, thank you.
1109
00:55:33,094 --> 00:55:35,137
- Thank you.
- Thanks very much.
1110
00:55:35,139 --> 00:55:36,722
Thanks.
1111
00:55:36,724 --> 00:55:38,351
- Hello.
- Hello.
1112
00:55:38,351 --> 00:55:40,394
- Mr. Foster.
- Call me Simon.
1113
00:55:40,396 --> 00:55:42,398
- Right, OK.
- You've met Roz.
1114
00:55:42,398 --> 00:55:44,023
- I know I have.
- Lovely.
1115
00:55:44,025 --> 00:55:47,027
I'll keep it brief, I know you're
a busy man. There's a fellow there
1116
00:55:47,028 --> 00:55:51,050
who wants to stop people talking
in foreign languages in shops.
1117
00:55:51,659 --> 00:55:53,952
Yeah. Well, this sometimes
can be a magnet
1118
00:55:53,954 --> 00:55:57,228
for people who are
slightly mentally dispossessed.
1119
00:55:59,461 --> 00:56:02,713
And also very sensible people,
like yourself, Paul.
1120
00:56:02,715 --> 00:56:06,217
- Paul, why don't you just...
- Don't you fucking patronize me, mate.
1121
00:56:06,219 --> 00:56:11,059
Paul, why don't you
just outline the whole issue?
1122
00:56:11,059 --> 00:56:13,061
Right, OK, I'll tell you again.
1123
00:56:13,061 --> 00:56:17,065
Your constituency side wall...
1124
00:56:17,067 --> 00:56:19,652
- Uh-huh.
- is falling down.
1125
00:56:19,653 --> 00:56:24,242
Your wall... is falling
into my mother's garden.
1126
00:56:24,242 --> 00:56:27,246
She tried to call the office,
but she was fobbed off.
1127
00:56:27,246 --> 00:56:30,625
Fobbed off by your people, because
she's not Lord Snooty in a posh car
1128
00:56:30,626 --> 00:56:32,670
or Madonna on a horse.
1129
00:56:32,670 --> 00:56:36,215
Well, that I... I find that sort of thing
incredibly irritating myself.
1130
00:56:36,217 --> 00:56:40,512
It's a patch from London,
it's Karen Clark. Urgent.
1131
00:56:40,512 --> 00:56:43,641
- Hello? Sorry, I'm not here.
- Sorry, Paul.
1132
00:56:43,641 --> 00:56:46,101
- I have to take this.
- Am I being fobbed off?
1133
00:56:46,103 --> 00:56:47,271
Absolutely not.
1134
00:56:47,271 --> 00:56:50,442
What's the difference between
being fobbed off and what happened?
1135
00:56:50,443 --> 00:56:52,610
You won't be able to forget me, Simon.
1136
00:56:52,612 --> 00:56:54,237
What's going on there, Simon?
1137
00:56:54,239 --> 00:56:57,492
It's... It's departmental business.
It's about a wall.
1138
00:56:57,494 --> 00:56:59,661
- Oh, Gaza?
- Uh-huh.
1139
00:56:59,661 --> 00:57:02,289
I'm wondering where you were
in committee, Simon.
1140
00:57:02,291 --> 00:57:05,835
I called for back-up and you sat there
like a dumb sack of shit.
1141
00:57:05,836 --> 00:57:09,132
Only maybe worse,
because, actually, on a molecular level,
1142
00:57:09,132 --> 00:57:11,510
shit is probably fizzling with energy.
1143
00:57:11,510 --> 00:57:14,304
I have to say, Karen, I do have
a clear strategy on this,
1144
00:57:14,306 --> 00:57:16,684
which is I'm playing...
playing the long game.
1145
00:57:16,684 --> 00:57:18,309
PAUL:
Still here, Simon.
1146
00:57:18,311 --> 00:57:21,856
They've bounced us into a short game,
and you just sat there like a...
1147
00:57:21,858 --> 00:57:24,735
What do you call it in England?
A wanker.
1148
00:57:24,735 --> 00:57:26,780
No, we don't call it that.
1149
00:57:26,780 --> 00:57:28,655
ROZ:
Paul. Paul.
1150
00:57:28,657 --> 00:57:31,702
Perhaps if I had a bomb strapped
to my chest, I'd get more attention.
1151
00:57:31,702 --> 00:57:33,913
He's mentioned the matter of a bomb.
1152
00:57:33,914 --> 00:57:37,333
I'm not going to let a bomb off,
I work for the National Trust.
1153
00:57:37,335 --> 00:57:39,795
How do I know
you're not going to let a bomb off?
1154
00:57:39,795 --> 00:57:45,010
Listen, Paul, why don't I give
you, the details of my cell
1155
00:57:45,012 --> 00:57:47,764
- so that you...
- Mobile phone details.
1156
00:57:47,766 --> 00:57:50,601
- Mobile phone details.
- Have you got a mobile, Paul?
1157
00:57:50,601 --> 00:57:52,811
- Of course I've got a fucking mobile!
- Roz.
1158
00:57:52,813 --> 00:57:54,188
What is wrong with you?
1159
00:57:54,190 --> 00:57:56,025
Five megapixels.
1160
00:57:56,025 --> 00:57:58,068
Can we see the wall?
Would that satisfy you?
1161
00:57:58,070 --> 00:58:01,197
- Well, it's a start.
- Friends again? Let's go and do it.
1162
00:58:01,199 --> 00:58:04,369
I'm not... not your friend,
and I'm not your friend.
1163
00:58:04,369 --> 00:58:06,371
Thank you.
1164
00:58:06,373 --> 00:58:08,081
That's a pleasure.
1165
00:58:08,083 --> 00:58:10,644
Thank you.
1166
00:58:11,170 --> 00:58:12,963
Done. I'm done, I'm done.
1167
00:58:12,963 --> 00:58:15,590
- Thank you.
- Let's go have a good look at that wall.
1168
00:58:15,592 --> 00:58:19,052
Four more constituents. How many
do you think are going to be like that?
1169
00:58:19,054 --> 00:58:20,931
OK, hang on.
1170
00:58:20,931 --> 00:58:25,686
Also the committee got leaked and
that leak came from your department.
1171
00:58:25,688 --> 00:58:30,159
I want a head on a plate, to go.
1172
00:58:30,818 --> 00:58:34,793
You're not my boss. Er... fuck off!
1173
00:58:35,117 --> 00:58:37,409
You can't make me sack people.
1174
00:58:37,411 --> 00:58:39,413
Why does she want someone sacked?
1175
00:58:39,414 --> 00:58:41,976
Ah, she said there's a leak...
1176
00:58:42,293 --> 00:58:45,963
The detail of the committee meeting
in America was made public.
1177
00:58:45,965 --> 00:58:48,675
There shouldn't have been
as many people there.
1178
00:58:48,675 --> 00:58:51,427
Right, and who does she want sacked?
1179
00:58:51,429 --> 00:58:54,431
- Somebody from our office.
- Right.
1180
00:58:54,432 --> 00:58:57,114
Let's forget it. Come on, next person.
1181
00:58:57,603 --> 00:59:00,996
- Could it have been Judy?
- Probably.
1182
00:59:03,027 --> 00:59:05,778
SIMON: Judy, can you come
into my office, I need a word?
1183
00:59:05,780 --> 00:59:07,824
One second. Tobes, that's for you.
1184
00:59:07,824 --> 00:59:09,617
What is it?
1185
00:59:09,617 --> 00:59:12,121
- It's that madman about the wall.
- The war?
1186
00:59:12,121 --> 00:59:14,708
Wall! Eugh.
1187
00:59:14,708 --> 00:59:18,045
Will you please come into my office
so I can give you a bollocking?
1188
00:59:18,047 --> 00:59:20,380
JUDY: Yeah, OK, OK, what?
- Hello.
1189
00:59:20,382 --> 00:59:22,300
- Argh! Fucker!
- I want a word with you.
1190
00:59:22,302 --> 00:59:24,302
And you, Charlotte fucking BrontÄ™.
1191
00:59:24,304 --> 00:59:26,306
What can I do for you, Paul?
1192
00:59:26,306 --> 00:59:31,478
You know those buttresses
that you had put up for the wall?
1193
00:59:31,480 --> 00:59:33,398
They are utterly insubstantial
1194
00:59:33,398 --> 00:59:36,318
to even the untrained eye,
and I'm looking at them.
1195
00:59:36,320 --> 00:59:38,445
And my eye's trained.
1196
00:59:38,447 --> 00:59:41,409
No, I get that, I do... I understand that.
1197
00:59:41,409 --> 00:59:44,204
If that wall collapsed
and my mother was in the greenhouse,
1198
00:59:44,204 --> 00:59:45,914
that could crush her to death.
1199
00:59:45,914 --> 00:59:49,126
Do you know how old she is?
Tell the reporter how old you are.
1200
00:59:49,128 --> 00:59:50,460
I'm 60.
1201
00:59:50,461 --> 00:59:52,505
She's 60... You're not fucking 60!
1202
00:59:52,507 --> 00:59:56,092
If it's going in the newspaper, I'm 60.
1203
00:59:56,094 --> 00:59:59,556
Olivia Newton-John's 60 and she's not
on the fucking statins, is she?
1204
00:59:59,556 --> 01:00:02,684
- I didn't leak anything.
- Don't you fucking walk out on me.
1205
01:00:02,686 --> 01:00:05,313
- I'm just getting my tea.
SIMON: Let her get a cup of tea.
1206
01:00:05,315 --> 01:00:09,193
Could you just get your mum to stay
away from the wall for the time being?
1207
01:00:09,195 --> 01:00:11,528
She can't stay away,
she's got to water her plants.
1208
01:00:11,530 --> 01:00:15,534
Could she maybe do it with a hose,
from a distance?
1209
01:00:15,534 --> 01:00:17,788
She's got a watering can!
1210
01:00:17,789 --> 01:00:19,289
Calm down, Paul, calm down.
1211
01:00:19,289 --> 01:00:22,730
I'm not... I'm fucking Zen.
1212
01:00:24,713 --> 01:00:27,007
I've brought my nunchucks
if you need them, sir.
1213
01:00:27,009 --> 01:00:29,358
See how the meeting goes.
1214
01:00:31,014 --> 01:00:33,139
12:30.
1215
01:00:33,141 --> 01:00:35,702
Hold on. General?
1216
01:00:36,353 --> 01:00:40,983
Yeah... Secretary Linton Barwick
asked me to let you know
1217
01:00:40,985 --> 01:00:44,278
that his last meeting
looks like it's overrunning,
1218
01:00:44,280 --> 01:00:45,822
He sends his apologies.
1219
01:00:45,824 --> 01:00:47,324
When will he be here?
1220
01:00:47,324 --> 01:00:49,952
I don't have that information
at this moment.
1221
01:00:49,954 --> 01:00:51,788
What the fuck?
1222
01:00:51,789 --> 01:00:53,583
Huh?
1223
01:00:53,583 --> 01:00:56,586
- Did he stand me up?
- No, no, sir.
1224
01:00:56,588 --> 01:00:59,925
- You're more than welcome to wait.
- Do you know what I'm going to do?
1225
01:00:59,925 --> 01:01:02,427
I'm going to take
a nice big shit on his desk,
1226
01:01:02,427 --> 01:01:05,389
just to let him know that I was here.
Is that OK with you?
1227
01:01:05,389 --> 01:01:08,284
I don't think he'd like that too much, sir.
1228
01:01:09,771 --> 01:01:13,775
You can wait. We have
some very interesting periodicals.
1229
01:01:13,777 --> 01:01:17,300
- There's um...
- Oh, yeah.
1230
01:01:26,001 --> 01:01:30,005
You want me to read a periodical
at this time of national crisis? Huh?
1231
01:01:30,005 --> 01:01:32,632
Sit here with my thumb up my ass
reading a paper?
1232
01:01:32,632 --> 01:01:36,429
Finding out what? Which little starlet
fucked some guy this week?
1233
01:01:36,429 --> 01:01:39,952
No, I wasn't suggesting that, sir.
1234
01:01:42,228 --> 01:01:44,327
Give this to your boss.
1235
01:01:45,940 --> 01:01:47,577
Yeah.
1236
01:01:49,612 --> 01:01:52,128
Get out of my way.
1237
01:02:09,431 --> 01:02:12,684
KAREN:
Oh, my God. What's up?
1238
01:02:12,684 --> 01:02:14,811
Fucking Linton stood me up.
1239
01:02:14,811 --> 01:02:17,856
He's playing me
like a turkey stick on a bass drum.
1240
01:02:17,858 --> 01:02:20,400
Do you know where he is?
He's playing squash.
1241
01:02:20,402 --> 01:02:23,280
MILLER:
With this little fucking twit?
1242
01:02:23,280 --> 01:02:26,242
No, not with... No, that's Chad.
1243
01:02:26,242 --> 01:02:30,623
He just carries that every day,
because he's hoping to play squash.
1244
01:02:30,623 --> 01:02:34,335
I was going to eat lunch in here. Can
you digest? Do you want some food?
1245
01:02:34,336 --> 01:02:36,170
Oh, yes, I can digest, yes.
1246
01:02:36,172 --> 01:02:37,715
Chinese OK?
1247
01:02:37,715 --> 01:02:40,300
Why don't you order me
some little mammals?
1248
01:02:40,302 --> 01:02:43,304
A little bunny and a little puppy,
and a little cat,
1249
01:02:43,306 --> 01:02:46,559
so I can twist their fucking neck off
and drink their blood.
1250
01:02:46,559 --> 01:02:48,686
My, my. All right.
1251
01:02:48,688 --> 01:02:52,108
While Foster jets around
at the taxpayers' expense,
1252
01:02:52,110 --> 01:02:55,570
his constituency wall is collapsing
and he doesn't give a shit.
1253
01:02:55,572 --> 01:02:57,280
It doesn't say that?
1254
01:02:57,282 --> 01:02:59,492
No. But it does say
"Wall-ace And Gromit".
1255
01:02:59,494 --> 01:03:01,869
Wall-ace, though.
1256
01:03:01,871 --> 01:03:05,125
You're being portrayed as
the biggest twat in Northampton shire.
1257
01:03:05,126 --> 01:03:07,210
I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me.
1258
01:03:07,211 --> 01:03:10,505
I'm giving this to somebody else.
Jamie!
1259
01:03:10,507 --> 01:03:13,318
Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.
1260
01:03:14,262 --> 01:03:16,304
Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty.
1261
01:03:16,306 --> 01:03:18,307
What is this? Surround bollocking?
1262
01:03:18,309 --> 01:03:20,603
Hey, with due respect, I hadn't finished.
1263
01:03:20,603 --> 01:03:23,773
If it isn't Humpty Numpty
sitting on top of a collapsing wall
1264
01:03:23,775 --> 01:03:26,985
like some clueless egg cunt.
1265
01:03:26,985 --> 01:03:28,487
Now, I'm finished.
1266
01:03:28,489 --> 01:03:30,530
Hi, Jamie, this is Toby.
1267
01:03:30,532 --> 01:03:34,202
Oh, um... Toby Rice, I'm Simon's aide.
1268
01:03:34,204 --> 01:03:37,539
Hi, Toby, Toby. Very pleased
to meet you. Please sit down.
1269
01:03:37,541 --> 01:03:40,795
Now, right, that's enough of all
the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.
1270
01:03:40,795 --> 01:03:44,507
- What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
- Shut it, Love Actually!
1271
01:03:44,509 --> 01:03:46,552
Do you want me
to hole punch your face?
1272
01:03:46,554 --> 01:03:49,764
Right, I'm off to deal
with the fate of the planet.
1273
01:03:49,766 --> 01:03:51,809
Be gentle with them.
1274
01:03:51,809 --> 01:03:55,996
Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves...
but made from real kids.
1275
01:03:56,565 --> 01:03:59,650
Right, Butch and Gaydance,
this wall story is playing badly.
1276
01:03:59,652 --> 01:04:01,820
There's a cartoon
of you in here as a walrus.
1277
01:04:01,822 --> 01:04:03,949
A walrus?
1278
01:04:03,949 --> 01:04:06,927
I'm not fat,
I don't even have a moustache.
1279
01:04:07,413 --> 01:04:09,371
Fuck, they've given me tusks.
1280
01:04:09,373 --> 01:04:11,416
- Wal-rus.
- Yes, I know.
1281
01:04:11,418 --> 01:04:13,085
You get it? Wal-rus, wal-rus.
1282
01:04:13,085 --> 01:04:16,840
We called some builders. They didn't
turn up when they said they would.
1283
01:04:16,840 --> 01:04:18,842
What did you expect?
1284
01:04:18,844 --> 01:04:20,677
They're builders!
1285
01:04:20,679 --> 01:04:24,391
Have you ever seen a film
where the hero is a builder?
1286
01:04:24,393 --> 01:04:28,021
No, no, because they never
fucking turn up in the nick of time.
1287
01:04:28,021 --> 01:04:30,108
Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh?
1288
01:04:30,108 --> 01:04:33,653
That's why you never see
a superhero with a hod.
1289
01:04:33,655 --> 01:04:36,032
You know, my theory
is Malcolm built him in a lab
1290
01:04:36,032 --> 01:04:38,242
out of bits of old psychopath.
1291
01:04:38,244 --> 01:04:40,121
Hello, ladies.
1292
01:04:40,121 --> 01:04:42,414
OK, well,
I'm just going to go to the bar.
1293
01:04:42,416 --> 01:04:44,418
Good idea, we're on the Sancerre.
1294
01:04:44,418 --> 01:04:47,670
- If you can afford that.
- If you can get served at the bar.
1295
01:04:47,672 --> 01:04:50,884
- Yes, thank you, Oscar Wilde.
- He might not get served, bless him.
1296
01:04:50,885 --> 01:04:53,445
Toby's got a message. Hang on.
1297
01:04:55,639 --> 01:04:57,989
What's that?
1298
01:04:58,644 --> 01:05:01,898
- Oh, fucking wow, I don't believe it.
- What?
1299
01:05:01,898 --> 01:05:05,090
I don't fucking... I don't believe it,
he's done it again.
1300
01:05:05,737 --> 01:05:08,880
Little shit, he's such a shit.
1301
01:05:09,951 --> 01:05:12,014
What?
1302
01:05:12,538 --> 01:05:14,038
- Here he is.
- There you are.
1303
01:05:14,039 --> 01:05:16,500
The finest Sancerre
in the Westminster reach.
1304
01:05:16,501 --> 01:05:19,670
So, this Liza, you shagged her, yeah?
1305
01:05:19,672 --> 01:05:21,088
What? No.
1306
01:05:21,090 --> 01:05:24,385
Were you aware he was ball-deep
in some Washington wonk?
1307
01:05:24,385 --> 01:05:27,054
- Suzy!
- I didn't know anything about his balls.
1308
01:05:27,056 --> 01:05:30,684
Can we not discuss my balls
and accusations in...
1309
01:05:30,686 --> 01:05:34,742
Just tell me why. Huh?
1310
01:05:36,692 --> 01:05:41,655
I don't know, Suzy. It was very weird
over there, very intense.
1311
01:05:41,657 --> 01:05:42,782
Right.
1312
01:05:42,782 --> 01:05:47,538
Maybe, I don't know,
on some level, subconsciously,
1313
01:05:47,539 --> 01:05:52,688
it was like a... it was just...
it was a last-ditch attempt to...
1314
01:05:53,213 --> 01:05:58,731
stop this... awful war, you know?
1315
01:05:59,847 --> 01:06:02,766
Just on a... I mean, you know,
I don't mean, obviously, to try..
1316
01:06:02,768 --> 01:06:04,811
- Wow.
- That's classic.
1317
01:06:04,811 --> 01:06:06,563
...to try and actually stop it.
1318
01:06:06,565 --> 01:06:09,211
Toby, did you just say
that you had sex to stop the war?
1319
01:06:09,213 --> 01:06:10,360
No, no, no.
1320
01:06:10,360 --> 01:06:14,699
An anti-war shag? Is that what you
thought, Toby? Because, that's... Wow.
1321
01:06:14,699 --> 01:06:16,409
Can we just go and discuss this
1322
01:06:16,409 --> 01:06:19,538
somewhere where there aren't
enormous children eating snacks?
1323
01:06:19,539 --> 01:06:23,927
He's got his little cannons
and he's got his little guns, and...
1324
01:06:24,670 --> 01:06:27,963
this is the problem
with civilians wanting to go to war.
1325
01:06:27,965 --> 01:06:30,384
Once you've been there,
once you've seen it,
1326
01:06:30,385 --> 01:06:33,992
you never want to go again,
unless you absolutely fucking have to.
1327
01:06:34,641 --> 01:06:37,155
It's like France.
1328
01:06:38,019 --> 01:06:39,730
Is there anything besides this to eat?
1329
01:06:39,731 --> 01:06:42,858
Have something else.
This has got a little protein, have that.
1330
01:06:42,860 --> 01:06:44,945
What's this, fish ass?
1331
01:06:44,945 --> 01:06:48,157
- So, you read Liza's paper, I guess?
- Yeah,
1332
01:06:48,157 --> 01:06:50,409
I'm a voracious reader.
1333
01:06:50,411 --> 01:06:53,038
I am the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.
1334
01:06:53,039 --> 01:06:54,061
Gore's gay.
1335
01:06:54,061 --> 01:06:55,208
No, he's not.
1336
01:06:55,208 --> 01:06:57,210
I beg to differ, but...
1337
01:06:57,211 --> 01:07:00,590
He's gay? Because I've been saying
that Gore Vidal line.
1338
01:07:00,590 --> 01:07:02,440
He is gay.
1339
01:07:03,010 --> 01:07:05,179
Guess, I'd better stop saying that, then.
1340
01:07:05,179 --> 01:07:06,889
It's ridiculous.
1341
01:07:06,889 --> 01:07:10,184
The case against war
is far stronger than the case for war
1342
01:07:10,186 --> 01:07:12,646
and the case for war
is caveated all to hell.
1343
01:07:12,646 --> 01:07:14,898
"Most analysts
believe the state is looking
1344
01:07:14,900 --> 01:07:17,527
to expand aggressively
beyond its borders. "
1345
01:07:17,527 --> 01:07:20,239
Then you look down the caveats.
"The only source is "Ice Man".
1346
01:07:20,239 --> 01:07:23,744
A possible alcoholic" - he probably does
ten bags of methamphetamine a day.
1347
01:07:23,744 --> 01:07:25,077
The Ice Man.
1348
01:07:25,079 --> 01:07:26,914
If he even exists.
1349
01:07:26,916 --> 01:07:31,253
"The INR says we can't trust him. "
We're disputing our own intelligence.
1350
01:07:31,253 --> 01:07:33,255
We should leak this, you know.
1351
01:07:33,257 --> 01:07:35,106
When do you wanna leak it?
1352
01:07:35,842 --> 01:07:37,010
Me?
1353
01:07:37,012 --> 01:07:39,429
- Isn't that what you were suggesting?
- No.
1354
01:07:39,431 --> 01:07:41,474
You don't have to say
that it came from you.
1355
01:07:41,476 --> 01:07:44,074
No, I'm not leaking it.
1356
01:07:45,690 --> 01:07:48,251
Liza looks good today.
1357
01:07:52,532 --> 01:07:56,505
- I mean, has Linton read this thing?
- I don't think Linton reads.
1358
01:08:00,166 --> 01:08:02,835
MAN: Why don't you give it
a couple of weeks to settle down?
1359
01:08:02,835 --> 01:08:05,922
SUZY: Oh, great, just what we need.
Old Anti-war Fuck is back.
1360
01:08:05,922 --> 01:08:08,842
- What the fuck's Cocoon doing here?
- What are you doing here?
1361
01:08:08,842 --> 01:08:11,512
- Well, I live here.
- Well, you don't, actually, Toby.
1362
01:08:11,512 --> 01:08:14,849
- Want another cup of tea, Michael?
- Yes, please. I'd love one.
1363
01:08:14,851 --> 01:08:17,604
OK, right, I'm taking
all my stuff from the kitchen.
1364
01:08:17,604 --> 01:08:19,564
- Do you want me to go?
- No, you stay there.
1365
01:08:19,564 --> 01:08:22,318
He's just getting his brie
and his peri-peri.
1366
01:08:22,319 --> 01:08:25,279
- Do you want me to help him pack?
- And certainly my quince paste.
1367
01:08:25,280 --> 01:08:27,324
Quince paste, he's such a prick.
1368
01:08:27,326 --> 01:08:29,702
Just going to gather up his shit clothes.
1369
01:08:29,703 --> 01:08:31,423
Shut up.
1370
01:08:33,041 --> 01:08:35,918
That's not how you fold them.
1371
01:08:35,920 --> 01:08:39,297
I'm not going to fucking Fiji,
I'm getting chucked out of my house.
1372
01:08:39,300 --> 01:08:41,341
They're all going in bin liners.
1373
01:08:41,342 --> 01:08:43,720
It makes all the difference
at the other end.
1374
01:08:43,721 --> 01:08:46,349
There is no other end, that's the point.
1375
01:08:46,350 --> 01:08:48,725
- Has she got big tits?
- Oh, Christ alive.
1376
01:08:48,726 --> 01:08:51,354
Yes, actually, she has.
She's got massive tits. Yes.
1377
01:08:51,354 --> 01:08:54,442
Look them up on Google Earth.
They've got their own postcode.
1378
01:08:54,443 --> 01:08:56,778
They're so enormous
that they actually
1379
01:08:56,779 --> 01:08:59,030
suck in other tits
from the surrounding area.
1380
01:08:59,032 --> 01:09:01,594
Like you?
1381
01:09:03,704 --> 01:09:05,538
Thanks. See you, then.
1382
01:09:05,539 --> 01:09:07,376
OK.
1383
01:09:07,377 --> 01:09:09,211
Um...
1384
01:09:09,212 --> 01:09:13,925
Suzy, this is probably going to sound a
bit odd under the circumstances, but...
1385
01:09:13,926 --> 01:09:15,594
A quickie?
1386
01:09:15,595 --> 01:09:19,015
No. Thank you, but no.
1387
01:09:19,015 --> 01:09:21,476
It's about Liza.
1388
01:09:21,478 --> 01:09:23,813
Liza wrote a paper, it's called PWIP PIP.
1389
01:09:23,814 --> 01:09:25,899
- PWIP what?
- PWIP PIP.
1390
01:09:25,899 --> 01:09:28,653
Who wrote that? Charles Dickens?
1391
01:09:28,654 --> 01:09:31,698
- Post War Planning Implications...
- Yeah, all right.
1392
01:09:31,698 --> 01:09:36,203
Right. I think, it could, if it was leaked,
stop this kind of rush towards a war,
1393
01:09:36,203 --> 01:09:38,581
you know, too quickly, that sort of thing.
1394
01:09:38,582 --> 01:09:42,085
- Just if it was leaked.
- You are such a coward.
1395
01:09:42,086 --> 01:09:46,381
Take your backlog of Mojo
and your shit clothes,
1396
01:09:46,382 --> 01:09:49,823
and your eighth of dope
and your flute and piss off.
1397
01:09:50,847 --> 01:09:54,240
OK, I'll just leave it there.
1398
01:10:00,443 --> 01:10:03,113
- I need advice myself.
- Let's take care of the car.
1399
01:10:03,113 --> 01:10:06,074
This should not be here.
This should not be here.
1400
01:10:06,076 --> 01:10:08,637
MAN:
Sir. Everyone.
1401
01:10:08,787 --> 01:10:11,456
- The car is ready?
- All taken care of, sir.
1402
01:10:11,457 --> 01:10:14,418
- I'm handling travel.
- Why are people running around?
1403
01:10:14,420 --> 01:10:16,462
This had better be a fucking fire drill.
1404
01:10:16,463 --> 01:10:20,969
The President just announced he's
vetoing tariffs on Chinese auto imports.
1405
01:10:20,970 --> 01:10:23,430
That means, right,
he's buttering the Chinese up?
1406
01:10:23,431 --> 01:10:27,310
That he needs the Chinese to at least
abstain on the Security Council.
1407
01:10:27,310 --> 01:10:29,311
OK, so we're going to the UN.
1408
01:10:29,313 --> 01:10:32,440
- Yes, we're going to the UN.
- Shit.
1409
01:10:32,442 --> 01:10:35,003
Why didn't you tell me, Liza?
1410
01:10:35,529 --> 01:10:37,323
Since I created the budget deficit,
1411
01:10:37,323 --> 01:10:40,493
the President doesn't tend
to run things by me any more.
1412
01:10:40,493 --> 01:10:43,079
Don't get funny with me.
I am not in the mood to joke.
1413
01:10:43,081 --> 01:10:45,500
I'm... I'm getting that.
1414
01:10:45,501 --> 01:10:49,796
If you say we're leaving in ten minutes
that means we're leaving right now.
1415
01:10:49,797 --> 01:10:53,051
Not that I don't trust you,
but I don't trust you.
1416
01:10:53,051 --> 01:10:54,886
I am gonna go into Linton's office
1417
01:10:54,886 --> 01:10:57,597
and I'm gonna pull the little pin
on that fucking grenade.
1418
01:10:57,599 --> 01:10:59,518
- Don't do that.
- I'm fucking joking.
1419
01:10:59,519 --> 01:11:00,685
I'm not gonna do that.
1420
01:11:00,686 --> 01:11:02,729
We have an elevator waiting for us.
1421
01:11:02,731 --> 01:11:05,149
Good. Step in,
thank you very much, just...
1422
01:11:05,150 --> 01:11:07,712
I just...
1423
01:11:08,195 --> 01:11:11,240
This job is incredibly stressful,
you know that?
1424
01:11:11,242 --> 01:11:14,036
Simon, you're not a lion tamer,
1425
01:11:14,037 --> 01:11:17,039
you're not a snooker player.
1426
01:11:17,041 --> 01:11:20,314
I don't want to back a war, Judy.
1427
01:11:21,003 --> 01:11:25,550
Look, put some hints out there,
put some nods and some winks out
1428
01:11:25,551 --> 01:11:30,139
that I'm toying with resignation, OK?
See if the PM reacts.
1429
01:11:30,140 --> 01:11:33,226
- You want me to put out some winks?
- And nods, yeah.
1430
01:11:33,228 --> 01:11:35,061
What? Big nods?
1431
01:11:35,063 --> 01:11:37,564
No, no, just sort of...
that sort of size nod.
1432
01:11:37,565 --> 01:11:38,734
OK.
1433
01:11:38,734 --> 01:11:40,569
No, no, that's much too big.
1434
01:11:40,569 --> 01:11:44,157
I'm just nodding normally to say
I understand the need for a small nod.
1435
01:11:44,158 --> 01:11:46,341
Oh, yeah. No, no, sorry, yeah.
1436
01:11:46,828 --> 01:11:50,291
All right now, my lovely friends,
the bottom line is...
1437
01:11:50,292 --> 01:11:52,626
Oh, God, I hate that phrase.
"Bottom line. "
1438
01:11:52,627 --> 01:11:54,253
I mean, we're not in retailing.
1439
01:11:54,255 --> 01:11:56,882
Sorry. Michael's quite right.
I won't use that again.
1440
01:11:56,884 --> 01:11:59,301
The bottom line is the President
is going to the UN.
1441
01:11:59,302 --> 01:12:02,387
This will be the vote to commence
military intervention.
1442
01:12:02,389 --> 01:12:03,722
(mobile rings)
1443
01:12:03,724 --> 01:12:06,810
And the Prime Minister has decided
that we should join him.
1444
01:12:06,810 --> 01:12:08,520
Rob, Innis,
1445
01:12:08,521 --> 01:12:11,734
Little Bo Cock Jockey
and the Leakey Fucking Mingebox,
1446
01:12:11,734 --> 01:12:13,444
go back to your desks
1447
01:12:13,444 --> 01:12:15,488
and prepare to start briefing now.
1448
01:12:15,489 --> 01:12:17,740
Michael, do you mind
if we use your office?
1449
01:12:17,742 --> 01:12:19,409
- What?
- For a couple of minutes?
1450
01:12:19,411 --> 01:12:22,581
Yeah. Michael, sorry. Bottom line
is, can you come out again?
1451
01:12:22,582 --> 01:12:25,583
(operatic singing)
- Um... might need to turn the music off.
1452
01:12:25,585 --> 01:12:27,139
Yes.
1453
01:12:27,712 --> 01:12:29,256
- Right.
- OK.
1454
01:12:29,256 --> 01:12:31,425
So, this is all going to spin along
from here.
1455
01:12:31,426 --> 01:12:33,302
We're going to have a vote
and go to war.
1456
01:12:33,304 --> 01:12:36,265
We'll fight people, kill them.
Our children will get killed.
1457
01:12:36,265 --> 01:12:37,934
This is exactly the sort of thing
1458
01:12:37,935 --> 01:12:40,729
that I didn't want to do
when I went into politics.
1459
01:12:40,730 --> 01:12:43,440
This is the opposite
of what I wanted to be doing.
1460
01:12:43,442 --> 01:12:46,360
That's why you have to stay
in Government, to influence things.
1461
01:12:46,362 --> 01:12:48,989
In here, you can influence things,
you can delay things.
1462
01:12:48,990 --> 01:12:50,489
Out there, you're just another
1463
01:12:50,490 --> 01:12:53,911
mouthy, shouty mad fucker who people
don't want to make eye contact with.
1464
01:12:53,912 --> 01:12:56,998
Remember Mary? Remember what
happened? She took a stand on health.
1465
01:12:57,000 --> 01:12:58,960
Everybody decided
that she was mental.
1466
01:12:58,961 --> 01:13:00,878
Because The Sun
showed a picture of her
1467
01:13:00,880 --> 01:13:02,923
with wide eyes and her head on a cow.
1468
01:13:02,925 --> 01:13:05,469
I happened to find that a particularly
powerful image.
1469
01:13:05,470 --> 01:13:08,387
Look... the Prime Minister
of this country,
1470
01:13:08,389 --> 01:13:10,475
he's not a fucking Viking, is he?
1471
01:13:10,475 --> 01:13:12,143
He doesn't drink blood.
1472
01:13:12,144 --> 01:13:14,020
He doesn't go around biting tramps.
1473
01:13:14,021 --> 01:13:16,983
I know the Prime Minister
isn't a Viking, Malcolm.
1474
01:13:16,984 --> 01:13:19,735
Unlike me,
he abhors physical violence.
1475
01:13:19,737 --> 01:13:22,198
Where is the intelligence,
the hard evidence?
1476
01:13:22,198 --> 01:13:24,368
We have got the fucking intelligence.
1477
01:13:24,368 --> 01:13:27,204
- I haven't seen it.
- The intelligence we've got is so deep,
1478
01:13:27,206 --> 01:13:30,349
so fucking hard,
it'll fucking puncture your kidneys.
1479
01:13:30,961 --> 01:13:32,545
Where's it coming from?
1480
01:13:32,546 --> 01:13:34,590
There is an informant.
1481
01:13:34,591 --> 01:13:36,439
Ice Man.
1482
01:13:36,717 --> 01:13:38,569
Ice Man?
1483
01:13:38,887 --> 01:13:41,765
I don't name them. Ice Man. Yeah.
1484
01:13:41,765 --> 01:13:44,600
And the fact is,
the stuff that he's given us is...
1485
01:13:44,601 --> 01:13:46,353
I've seen it.
1486
01:13:46,354 --> 01:13:49,414
It would make your blood run cold
1487
01:13:49,692 --> 01:13:53,029
and clot and turn your insides
into fucking black puddings,
1488
01:13:53,029 --> 01:13:55,030
but certain box lickers
1489
01:13:55,032 --> 01:13:57,618
are sitting on it,
but you're going to see it,
1490
01:13:57,618 --> 01:13:59,662
because the PM regards you
1491
01:13:59,663 --> 01:14:01,581
as a key player in this now.
1492
01:14:01,582 --> 01:14:05,211
Simon, the Prime Minister wants
to speak to you in ten minutes.
1493
01:14:05,212 --> 01:14:07,109
He wants you to go to the UN.
1494
01:14:07,110 --> 01:14:08,256
OK.
1495
01:14:08,257 --> 01:14:10,050
See? You're on the A list now.
1496
01:14:10,051 --> 01:14:12,970
You're there in the VIP lounge.
You're a fucking Kennedy.
1497
01:14:12,971 --> 01:14:14,222
Yeah, Malcolm...
1498
01:14:14,224 --> 01:14:16,559
You've got the gold card,
the complimentary drinks,
1499
01:14:16,560 --> 01:14:18,060
the fucking hard on.
1500
01:14:18,061 --> 01:14:21,399
Show me the evidence -
my bottom fucking line.
1501
01:14:21,399 --> 01:14:23,628
Don't you start, as well.
1502
01:14:26,614 --> 01:14:28,595
Should I resign?
1503
01:14:29,074 --> 01:14:33,809
I floated that I might, then I thought I
wouldn't, so it'll look convincing if I did.
1504
01:14:34,497 --> 01:14:37,835
I mean, do you think,
is it braver to just resign
1505
01:14:37,836 --> 01:14:40,398
and say, "No. No war"?
1506
01:14:40,881 --> 01:14:42,423
- Yes.
- Or...
1507
01:14:42,425 --> 01:14:44,489
is it braver...
1508
01:14:45,179 --> 01:14:47,014
to say, "I don't agree",
1509
01:14:47,015 --> 01:14:49,307
and just grit my teeth
and get on with it?
1510
01:14:49,309 --> 01:14:50,435
No.
1511
01:14:50,435 --> 01:14:54,002
Is the really brave thing
actually doing what you don't believe?
1512
01:14:54,002 --> 01:14:55,108
No.
1513
01:14:55,109 --> 01:14:56,609
Maybe.
1514
01:14:56,609 --> 01:14:58,028
Because...
1515
01:14:58,029 --> 01:15:01,554
What's actually brave
about doing the right thing?
1516
01:15:01,555 --> 01:15:02,701
Nothing.
1517
01:15:02,702 --> 01:15:04,871
You know, doing the wrong thing is...
1518
01:15:04,872 --> 01:15:06,329
is... is braver,
1519
01:15:06,331 --> 01:15:08,514
in a way, isn't it?
1520
01:15:09,002 --> 01:15:12,229
And wars do sometimes work.
1521
01:15:12,840 --> 01:15:14,298
That erm...
1522
01:15:14,300 --> 01:15:16,341
the War for Independence.
1523
01:15:16,342 --> 01:15:19,305
You know, that worked
for the Americans, didn't it?
1524
01:15:19,305 --> 01:15:21,286
And... erm...
1525
01:15:22,684 --> 01:15:24,685
The Second World War.
1526
01:15:24,686 --> 01:15:27,899
I know, it's not...
It wasn't a good idea, millions died.
1527
01:15:27,899 --> 01:15:29,650
No, no, I know what you mean.
1528
01:15:29,652 --> 01:15:32,070
The Crimean War.
We got nurses out of that.
1529
01:15:32,072 --> 01:15:34,114
- Nurses are good.
- Yes. Exactly.
1530
01:15:34,115 --> 01:15:36,676
So, right, well, no, exactly.
1531
01:15:39,706 --> 01:15:41,225
So...
1532
01:15:42,167 --> 01:15:44,481
You're not resigning?
1533
01:15:48,969 --> 01:15:51,721
In the motorcade, can we get
a car without Judy, please?
1534
01:15:51,722 --> 01:15:53,890
You want hookers?
You like hooky fucky, sir?
1535
01:15:53,890 --> 01:15:55,350
No, I don't want...
1536
01:15:55,351 --> 01:15:57,895
- I want to talk about resigning.
- What again?
1537
01:15:57,895 --> 01:16:00,457
Yes, but with you and not her.
1538
01:16:05,070 --> 01:16:09,199
So, the wires are all currently reporting
that you're going to resign over the war.
1539
01:16:09,202 --> 01:16:11,328
What? That's not supposed
to get outside.
1540
01:16:11,329 --> 01:16:15,765
Well, it is outside. It's lurking outside,
like a big hairy rapist at a coach station.
1541
01:16:16,711 --> 01:16:20,353
Do you know, if I could,
I'd fucking punch you into paralysis.
1542
01:16:23,761 --> 01:16:26,555
So, you must be Simon.
I'm the British Ambassador to the UN,
1543
01:16:26,556 --> 01:16:28,184
Sir Jonathon Tutt.
1544
01:16:28,185 --> 01:16:31,563
Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen.
This is the United Nations.
1545
01:16:31,564 --> 01:16:33,815
We, sir, are in here.
1546
01:16:33,817 --> 01:16:36,819
So, if there's anything you need,
just give me a whistle.
1547
01:16:36,820 --> 01:16:39,198
You know how to do that, don't you?
What do you do?
1548
01:16:39,198 --> 01:16:43,137
Hm? That's right. You put your lips
together and you blow.
1549
01:16:43,829 --> 01:16:46,373
I'm going to head up to
this delegates' reception.
1550
01:16:46,375 --> 01:16:49,768
I hope there's some nibbles,
because I'm ravenous.
1551
01:16:51,213 --> 01:16:53,257
Nibbles. Who still says "nibbles"?
1552
01:16:53,259 --> 01:16:56,594
Fuck the nibbles.
What was with the homoerotic tension?
1553
01:16:56,595 --> 01:17:00,432
OK. Your phone is off,
but there's been a catastrofuck here.
1554
01:17:00,434 --> 01:17:03,685
Someone's leaked Liza Weld's
PWIP PIP paper to the BBC.
1555
01:17:03,686 --> 01:17:06,001
Jesus Christ!
1556
01:17:06,524 --> 01:17:08,623
Ah, there we go.
1557
01:17:09,110 --> 01:17:12,948
I reckon it's going to be on the six
o'clock news, one o'clock your time.
1558
01:17:12,949 --> 01:17:16,619
That is going to fucking fist
your UN vote to death.
1559
01:17:16,621 --> 01:17:17,703
Hey, you! Freeze!
1560
01:17:17,704 --> 01:17:20,291
Right. Missing you loads.
PWIP PIP toodle-oo.
1561
01:17:20,292 --> 01:17:22,336
I want a fucking word with you.
1562
01:17:22,337 --> 01:17:24,087
OK, Jamie, two jobs.
1563
01:17:24,088 --> 01:17:28,009
Job one. Find the PWIP PIP leaker
and kill them. Job one has two parts.
1564
01:17:28,011 --> 01:17:31,264
Job two. Go to the BBC
and find out who's got it there.
1565
01:17:31,265 --> 01:17:34,018
We need them to delay
till after the vote. Yeah?
1566
01:17:34,019 --> 01:17:35,868
I love you.
1567
01:17:39,358 --> 01:17:41,652
Excuse me, I need a word with you.
1568
01:17:41,653 --> 01:17:43,759
Do not move from here
or I'll fucking stab you.
1569
01:17:43,760 --> 01:17:44,738
OK.
1570
01:17:44,739 --> 01:17:46,720
- Right. Was it you?
- No, it wasn't.
1571
01:17:46,720 --> 01:17:47,826
No. What?
1572
01:17:47,827 --> 01:17:50,037
- You know what I'm talking about.
- No.
1573
01:17:50,037 --> 01:17:51,997
And... And... whatever it was,
1574
01:17:51,998 --> 01:17:54,042
I almost certainly didn't do it.
1575
01:17:54,042 --> 01:17:56,002
- You, the baby from Eraserhead?
- No, no.
1576
01:17:56,003 --> 01:17:57,880
Then it must be you,
woman from The Crying Game.
1577
01:17:57,881 --> 01:17:59,341
It wasn't me.
1578
01:17:59,341 --> 01:18:01,551
You've really got it in for me,
haven't you?
1579
01:18:01,551 --> 01:18:04,346
Listen, somebody has dropped
a bollock in the noodles here.
1580
01:18:04,347 --> 01:18:05,890
- And I reckon it was you.
- Oh.
1581
01:18:05,891 --> 01:18:08,351
- Nice logic.
- Yeah, no, that sounds possible.
1582
01:18:08,353 --> 01:18:10,188
Will you just keep your nib out?
1583
01:18:10,189 --> 01:18:11,855
Psychologically speaking.
1584
01:18:11,858 --> 01:18:13,943
- Springer spaniel head.
- It's plausible.
1585
01:18:13,944 --> 01:18:17,363
You might have built up a resentment
and paid it off in some underhand way.
1586
01:18:17,364 --> 01:18:19,283
That's a thing I've observed people do.
1587
01:18:19,283 --> 01:18:21,077
Observe that.
1588
01:18:21,078 --> 01:18:23,538
- Right, Baldermort.
- Bloody hell, Malcolm.
1589
01:18:23,539 --> 01:18:24,998
Excuse us.
1590
01:18:25,000 --> 01:18:26,917
We are in a new reality here.
1591
01:18:26,917 --> 01:18:28,170
- OK?
- Right.
1592
01:18:28,171 --> 01:18:30,756
And I need you to speed things up.
1593
01:18:30,756 --> 01:18:32,591
OK. Speed what up, Malcolm?
1594
01:18:32,591 --> 01:18:35,094
- The debate.
- Right.
1595
01:18:35,095 --> 01:18:38,556
I need you to bring it
from 1:30pm to 11 am.
1596
01:18:38,557 --> 01:18:42,938
Right. Let me tell you how the process
works here and why that's not possible.
1597
01:18:42,939 --> 01:18:46,149
Just fucking do it, otherwise you'll find
yourself in the Caucuses,
1598
01:18:46,150 --> 01:18:47,734
in a Medieval fucking war zone,
1599
01:18:47,735 --> 01:18:50,404
arse in the air, trying to persuade
men in balaclavas
1600
01:18:50,405 --> 01:18:54,368
that sustained sexual violence
is not the fucking way forward, OK?
1601
01:18:54,369 --> 01:18:57,789
It cannot be done and it will not
be done. There's an end to it.
1602
01:18:57,791 --> 01:18:59,417
Ok, I'll do it. Through here?
1603
01:18:59,417 --> 01:19:02,128
You will not do it
because that is a breach of protocol.
1604
01:19:02,130 --> 01:19:04,006
- Well, you do it.
- No, I will not do it.
1605
01:19:04,007 --> 01:19:06,384
- In there. Do it.
- I'm not dancing with you on this.
1606
01:19:06,385 --> 01:19:09,113
- Get through there and do it, now.
- I'm not.
1607
01:19:09,847 --> 01:19:11,181
Right... well...
1608
01:19:11,184 --> 01:19:13,018
Erm... everyone, if I could just...
1609
01:19:13,019 --> 01:19:14,395
Is this...
1610
01:19:14,395 --> 01:19:16,021
Can you hear me?
1611
01:19:16,023 --> 01:19:19,627
I just wondered if we might er...
ask for a...
1612
01:19:20,819 --> 01:19:22,362
a cheeky early vote,
1613
01:19:22,363 --> 01:19:24,865
a sort of a little bit of an adventure.
1614
01:19:24,867 --> 01:19:26,493
Yeah, we've got to plug that leak.
1615
01:19:26,493 --> 01:19:29,287
I don't know what else they've got
and where's this intel?
1616
01:19:29,288 --> 01:19:32,792
Are you sure you're working as hard
as me? I'm sweating spinal fluid here.
1617
01:19:32,793 --> 01:19:34,418
I'm a fucking husk.
1618
01:19:34,420 --> 01:19:36,188
Jesus.
1619
01:19:36,673 --> 01:19:39,969
- Got everything you need?
- Yeah. Yeah, thanks.
1620
01:19:39,970 --> 01:19:41,569
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1621
01:19:41,720 --> 01:19:43,358
General Flintstone.
1622
01:19:44,266 --> 01:19:45,809
Was it you?
1623
01:19:45,810 --> 01:19:48,408
Did you leak PWIP PIP?
1624
01:19:48,689 --> 01:19:51,817
I mean, I know you can't fire a gun,
but can you use a fax?
1625
01:19:51,818 --> 01:19:54,654
No, I didn't leak PWIP PIP.
I do everything up front. OK?
1626
01:19:54,654 --> 01:19:57,824
Not like some creepy little gay
mercenary that sneaks around
1627
01:19:57,826 --> 01:19:59,534
doing other people's dirty work.
1628
01:19:59,536 --> 01:20:01,328
Hey, I am doing my own work.
1629
01:20:01,331 --> 01:20:02,706
I'm doing my job.
1630
01:20:02,707 --> 01:20:04,833
No, you're doing Linton's dirty work.
1631
01:20:04,835 --> 01:20:06,877
You're his English bitch
and you don't even know it.
1632
01:20:06,878 --> 01:20:10,047
I bet if I went into your hotel room
tonight, I'd see you on all fours,
1633
01:20:10,048 --> 01:20:12,551
little fishnets on,
him hanging onto the back of you.
1634
01:20:12,551 --> 01:20:14,177
Oh, that's nice, that's nice.
1635
01:20:14,179 --> 01:20:17,181
That's tough talk coming from
a fucking armchair general.
1636
01:20:17,182 --> 01:20:20,144
Why don't you put your feet up
on a pouf and go back to sleep?
1637
01:20:20,145 --> 01:20:23,856
Tucker, you might be a scary little
poodle fucker, back there in London,
1638
01:20:23,858 --> 01:20:25,317
but here you're nothing.
1639
01:20:25,318 --> 01:20:27,631
You know what you look like?
1640
01:20:28,113 --> 01:20:29,697
A squeezed dick.
1641
01:20:29,698 --> 01:20:33,243
You've got a little blue vein
running up the side of your head.
1642
01:20:33,244 --> 01:20:35,122
See, that's where I'd put the bullet.
1643
01:20:35,122 --> 01:20:39,042
But I'd have to stand back,
cos you look like you'd be a squirter.
1644
01:20:39,043 --> 01:20:41,274
Have you ever, even actually...
1645
01:20:41,756 --> 01:20:43,590
killed anybody, I mean, really?
1646
01:20:43,591 --> 01:20:45,277
Yeah.
1647
01:20:45,552 --> 01:20:47,761
Falling asleep on someone.
That doesn't count.
1648
01:20:47,762 --> 01:20:49,599
That's good. That's good.
1649
01:20:49,600 --> 01:20:51,976
How about you, pussy drip,
ever kill anybody?
1650
01:20:51,978 --> 01:20:54,688
Maiming is what I prefer,
psychologically.
1651
01:20:54,689 --> 01:20:56,398
Why don't you try to maim me?
1652
01:20:56,399 --> 01:21:00,087
I'll hit you so hard in the face,
you'll be shitting teeth.
1653
01:21:00,613 --> 01:21:02,113
Go right ahead.
1654
01:21:02,113 --> 01:21:04,158
I can see the headlines right now.
1655
01:21:04,158 --> 01:21:07,912
"Peace-loving general starts fight
at the UN. Swiss intervene. "
1656
01:21:07,913 --> 01:21:11,646
I don't know, I'm not an expert on spin,
but that could hurt your career.
1657
01:21:11,648 --> 01:21:12,752
Yeah?
1658
01:21:12,752 --> 01:21:14,472
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1659
01:21:16,967 --> 01:21:18,510
Now, do excuse me.
1660
01:21:18,511 --> 01:21:20,658
I've got work to do.
1661
01:21:21,974 --> 01:21:24,784
Don't ever call me
fucking English again.
1662
01:21:28,524 --> 01:21:30,274
(operatic singing)
- Suzy, well done.
1663
01:21:30,275 --> 01:21:32,110
This is absolutely superb.
1664
01:21:32,112 --> 01:21:34,572
Hey, horse of the year, was it you?
1665
01:21:34,573 --> 01:21:37,199
- Was what me?
- Answer the fucking question!
1666
01:21:37,201 --> 01:21:38,452
Was it you?
1667
01:21:38,453 --> 01:21:41,663
Was what me, Jamie? I have no idea
what you're talking about.
1668
01:21:41,664 --> 01:21:45,542
She can't answer the question,
can she? Unless she knows what it is.
1669
01:21:45,543 --> 01:21:46,837
You...
1670
01:21:46,837 --> 01:21:50,132
leaked Liza Weld's paper
to the BBC, right?
1671
01:21:50,134 --> 01:21:53,444
Now, tell me you leaked it.
1672
01:21:54,430 --> 01:21:56,766
No, I didn't. I didn't leak it.
1673
01:21:56,768 --> 01:21:58,393
I know...
1674
01:21:58,394 --> 01:22:01,146
the leak came from in here.
1675
01:22:01,148 --> 01:22:02,815
From...
1676
01:22:02,817 --> 01:22:06,694
this fucking fax machine right here.
1677
01:22:06,697 --> 01:22:09,756
SUZY:
No. There's no... There's no way.
1678
01:22:10,283 --> 01:22:11,661
Do you see...
1679
01:22:11,662 --> 01:22:13,537
what I'm doing to this machine?
1680
01:22:13,538 --> 01:22:15,291
- Jamie, don't.
- See?
1681
01:22:15,292 --> 01:22:16,833
Jesus Christ!
1682
01:22:16,835 --> 01:22:18,377
Fuck, Jamie.
1683
01:22:18,378 --> 01:22:21,338
You see how... angry I am with the...
1684
01:22:21,340 --> 01:22:26,117
piece of office equipment
that leaked this document?
1685
01:22:26,118 --> 01:22:27,264
Huh?
1686
01:22:27,265 --> 01:22:28,599
Michael.
1687
01:22:28,600 --> 01:22:33,854
Can you even imagine how angry I am
with the person who leaked it, can you?
1688
01:22:33,855 --> 01:22:37,025
- That's really... expensive, Jamie.
- Can you, Suzy?
1689
01:22:37,027 --> 01:22:39,487
Jamie, it was me.
1690
01:22:39,488 --> 01:22:42,740
Oh, don't come over
all fucking Spartacus on us now.
1691
01:22:42,742 --> 01:22:44,534
- I leaked it.
- What are you doing?
1692
01:22:44,536 --> 01:22:46,537
No, hang on, hang on. For a start...
1693
01:22:46,537 --> 01:22:48,623
turn that fucking racket off!
1694
01:22:48,625 --> 01:22:51,140
SUZY: Turn it off.
- It's just vowels.
1695
01:22:51,753 --> 01:22:55,443
Subsidized foreign fucking vowels.
1696
01:22:55,926 --> 01:22:59,720
The only reason you listen to this shit
is because it's bad form
1697
01:22:59,721 --> 01:23:02,225
to actually wear a hat that says,
1698
01:23:02,225 --> 01:23:04,226
"I went to private school. "
1699
01:23:04,228 --> 01:23:05,895
So, tell me now, right.
1700
01:23:05,896 --> 01:23:08,356
- Who did you leak it to?
- I just sent it.
1701
01:23:08,358 --> 01:23:10,902
I read it, I thought it was important,
so I sent it.
1702
01:23:10,903 --> 01:23:13,342
Good. Fine. See that fax?
1703
01:23:13,344 --> 01:23:14,489
Yes.
1704
01:23:14,490 --> 01:23:16,637
That is your career.
1705
01:23:16,912 --> 01:23:20,684
And I think it might be fucked,
but let's just check.
1706
01:23:21,125 --> 01:23:23,335
Yeah, yeah, it's pretty fucked.
1707
01:23:23,336 --> 01:23:25,502
Now, I hope you can play the spoons.
1708
01:23:25,503 --> 01:23:28,862
You're too old to go back
to being a gentleman's fluffer.
1709
01:23:29,635 --> 01:23:31,761
Simon? Simon.
1710
01:23:31,762 --> 01:23:34,578
Congratulations.
I didn't think you had it in you.
1711
01:23:34,578 --> 01:23:35,725
Hi.
1712
01:23:35,725 --> 01:23:37,895
- This is great, Simon.
- He's resigning.
1713
01:23:37,895 --> 01:23:40,105
- Have you seen it? It's a good picture.
- Oh.
1714
01:23:40,106 --> 01:23:42,609
- They're running with that?
GENERAL: In a very big way.
1715
01:23:42,609 --> 01:23:44,297
I didn't say that.
1716
01:23:44,298 --> 01:23:45,445
What?
1717
01:23:45,447 --> 01:23:47,739
- What?
- You're not resigning?
1718
01:23:47,740 --> 01:23:49,784
Are you still playing the hawk?
1719
01:23:49,786 --> 01:23:53,206
In a way, it's... I'm playing a much
cleverer game than that.
1720
01:23:53,207 --> 01:23:54,541
I'm a...
1721
01:23:54,542 --> 01:23:56,855
I'm a fake hawk.
1722
01:23:57,337 --> 01:23:59,139
A what?
1723
01:23:59,466 --> 01:24:01,564
A fake hawk.
1724
01:24:02,594 --> 01:24:04,694
You're an idiot.
1725
01:24:05,264 --> 01:24:07,993
Or are you being a fake idiot?
1726
01:24:08,351 --> 01:24:12,645
So, we float it, anyway, tell the press
that he confirmed to us he's resigning.
1727
01:24:12,646 --> 01:24:14,524
- That's what we'll do, then.
- What?
1728
01:24:14,524 --> 01:24:17,319
- It's decided, then.
- Sorry. No, it bloody isn't.
1729
01:24:17,319 --> 01:24:18,863
I'm me. OK?
1730
01:24:18,863 --> 01:24:21,177
You're not me.
1731
01:24:21,701 --> 01:24:24,996
I decide about all the main things
about me.
1732
01:24:24,997 --> 01:24:26,831
- Not any more.
- Not you, me.
1733
01:24:26,832 --> 01:24:32,171
Simon, the only thing that we can do
to influence events now is to resign.
1734
01:24:32,172 --> 01:24:33,631
That's it, OK?
1735
01:24:33,632 --> 01:24:36,427
- Sacrifice ourselves.
- Like a suicide bomber?
1736
01:24:36,429 --> 01:24:40,698
No, not like suicide bomber.
A suicide bomber makes a decision.
1737
01:24:48,444 --> 01:24:50,591
Are you OK?
1738
01:24:51,488 --> 01:24:54,466
I'm thinking of becoming
a suicide bomber.
1739
01:24:54,911 --> 01:24:56,427
Right.
1740
01:24:56,912 --> 01:24:58,872
- Would you like a mint?
- No.
1741
01:24:58,873 --> 01:25:03,920
They're really not that good
for the teeth, you know, rots them slowly.
1742
01:25:03,921 --> 01:25:06,483
- It's early.
- Do you like me, Judy?
1743
01:25:07,926 --> 01:25:10,552
Well... you're my boss, you know.
1744
01:25:10,554 --> 01:25:12,784
But do you really like me?
1745
01:25:14,100 --> 01:25:15,997
Yeah.
1746
01:25:16,604 --> 01:25:19,627
I'll... I'll just leave you to your thoughts.
1747
01:25:19,628 --> 01:25:20,733
OK?
1748
01:25:20,734 --> 01:25:23,296
I haven't got any thoughts.
1749
01:25:24,447 --> 01:25:27,212
I'm just staring vacantly into space.
1750
01:25:27,784 --> 01:25:30,496
While a distant voice
in the back of my head goes,
1751
01:25:30,497 --> 01:25:32,038
"Oh, shit",
1752
01:25:32,039 --> 01:25:34,970
like a car alarm,
in the middle of the night.
1753
01:25:36,337 --> 01:25:38,338
Why? Has Jamie been round?
1754
01:25:38,340 --> 01:25:40,926
- Because he's...
- This is you, isn't it?
1755
01:25:40,926 --> 01:25:44,680
Suzy, can I phone you back in a few
minutes for a further bollocking?
1756
01:25:44,681 --> 01:25:46,515
I'll just deal with this one here.
1757
01:25:46,516 --> 01:25:49,853
I have got something really, really big
in my career lined up for me
1758
01:25:49,854 --> 01:25:52,439
and you're going to fuck it up
because of this leak.
1759
01:25:52,440 --> 01:25:54,484
What did you...?
What would be fucked up?
1760
01:25:54,484 --> 01:25:57,070
Chad, I don't need to tell you anything.
1761
01:25:57,072 --> 01:25:58,657
I want to tell you a story.
1762
01:25:58,658 --> 01:26:00,951
When the Titanic went down,
there were lifeboats.
1763
01:26:00,952 --> 01:26:04,329
They had extra room on them
and there were people in the water.
1764
01:26:04,331 --> 01:26:07,333
Some people on the boats just wanted
room to stretch their legs,
1765
01:26:07,335 --> 01:26:10,337
but people in the water froze
and that was on their conscience.
1766
01:26:10,338 --> 01:26:13,300
You talk entirely in parables.
You're like a crap Jesus.
1767
01:26:13,301 --> 01:26:16,302
Tread lightly. OK?
You are fucking with the wrong person.
1768
01:26:16,304 --> 01:26:18,974
- Oh, really?
- Yes. I've got this town on lockdown.
1769
01:26:18,975 --> 01:26:20,810
We're both and so...
1770
01:26:20,810 --> 01:26:22,498
- Fuck you all.
- A common enemy.
1771
01:26:22,500 --> 01:26:23,479
Hello.
1772
01:26:23,479 --> 01:26:24,523
Hello!
1773
01:26:24,524 --> 01:26:26,108
Hello, Paul.
1774
01:26:26,109 --> 01:26:29,945
- Guess what's happened to my wall?
- Could you hold on just a second?
1775
01:26:29,947 --> 01:26:32,877
The Vice President's...
Doesn't matter.
1776
01:26:33,452 --> 01:26:35,882
Of America. Yes. That one.
1777
01:26:37,538 --> 01:26:40,626
So, we're getting a little close
to the wire, Mr. Tucker.
1778
01:26:40,627 --> 01:26:42,503
Where is that intel, huh?
1779
01:26:42,505 --> 01:26:44,756
What sort of intel
have you rustled up?
1780
01:26:44,756 --> 01:26:47,009
- Ah, the smoking intel?
- Yeah.
1781
01:26:47,010 --> 01:26:49,011
Well, honestly,
I haven't got it.
1782
01:26:49,011 --> 01:26:51,055
You haven't got it?
1783
01:26:51,056 --> 01:26:52,850
All right. OK.
1784
01:26:52,850 --> 01:26:56,436
Well, then, can you delay the vote?
It'd give you the time to get it.
1785
01:26:56,438 --> 01:26:58,585
I've just had it brought forward.
1786
01:27:00,903 --> 01:27:03,582
Sorry, I'm just erm... getting my mints.
1787
01:27:04,240 --> 01:27:06,742
I am telling you, delay the vote
1788
01:27:06,743 --> 01:27:12,207
and make yourself some time to get
the intel, because I need it, my friend.
1789
01:27:12,208 --> 01:27:14,377
Hey. OK.
Just a quick reality check here,
1790
01:27:14,377 --> 01:27:16,796
J Edgar Fucking Hoover,
I don't work for you.
1791
01:27:16,797 --> 01:27:19,134
You don't fucking tell me what to do.
1792
01:27:19,135 --> 01:27:21,720
OK. Firstly, don't raise your voice.
1793
01:27:21,720 --> 01:27:23,765
This is a sacred place.
1794
01:27:23,765 --> 01:27:27,018
Now, you may not believe that
and I may not believe that,
1795
01:27:27,019 --> 01:27:29,104
but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy.
1796
01:27:29,104 --> 01:27:31,189
And, secondarily,
1797
01:27:31,190 --> 01:27:36,292
I believe your Prime Minister
has instructed you to work for me.
1798
01:27:37,448 --> 01:27:39,677
Take your sweeties and fuck off.
1799
01:27:40,161 --> 01:27:42,412
LINTON:
Oh, the great Malcolm Tucker.
1800
01:27:42,412 --> 01:27:45,416
One of your guys leaks a paper.
You can't do anything.
1801
01:27:45,417 --> 01:27:48,503
Huh? We tell you to get some intel.
You can't do anything.
1802
01:27:48,505 --> 01:27:51,716
I need you to move the vote back.
You can't do anything.
1803
01:27:51,717 --> 01:27:54,470
I am afraid you are nothing
but a useless piece of
1804
01:27:54,470 --> 01:27:57,448
S star-star T.
1805
01:27:58,143 --> 01:28:00,144
What the fuck do you want?
1806
01:28:00,145 --> 01:28:01,688
Erm... sorry, I...
1807
01:28:01,689 --> 01:28:05,609
I've just heard that the constituency
wall has started to collapse.
1808
01:28:05,610 --> 01:28:09,072
A brick's fallen out. Well, that's
the news I'm getting, at the moment.
1809
01:28:09,073 --> 01:28:10,823
There'll be more to follow.
1810
01:28:10,824 --> 01:28:12,618
News and bricks.
1811
01:28:12,619 --> 01:28:16,122
My God, that sounds important.
Take care of that, Mr. Tucker. Yes?
1812
01:28:16,122 --> 01:28:17,957
I think that's more your speed.
1813
01:28:17,957 --> 01:28:22,462
I can see you, with your shirt off and
a wheelbarrow, whistling a happy tune.
1814
01:28:22,463 --> 01:28:24,396
Get on that.
1815
01:28:28,346 --> 01:28:30,279
You work for him?
1816
01:28:30,850 --> 01:28:33,560
This is very fucking complicated stuff.
1817
01:28:33,561 --> 01:28:35,875
After the vote...
1818
01:28:36,356 --> 01:28:37,942
I resign.
1819
01:28:37,943 --> 01:28:39,484
Oh, fuck off!
1820
01:28:39,485 --> 01:28:40,694
Resigning?
1821
01:28:40,695 --> 01:28:42,488
How fucking impressive!
1822
01:28:42,489 --> 01:28:46,743
Resign. The horse has bolted. It's out
there now. It's getting fucking shot!
1823
01:28:46,746 --> 01:28:48,891
I'll see you later, Malcolm.
1824
01:28:49,916 --> 01:28:51,167
You...
1825
01:28:51,167 --> 01:28:52,836
You repeat...
1826
01:28:52,837 --> 01:28:55,337
one word of what you have heard here
1827
01:28:55,340 --> 01:28:59,362
and I'm going to fucking
take your leg off... I'll fucking...
1828
01:29:00,639 --> 01:29:02,221
The shin bone.
1829
01:29:02,224 --> 01:29:05,893
I'm going to take the shin bone,
I'm going to break it in two
1830
01:29:05,894 --> 01:29:10,023
and I'm going to fucking stab you
to fucking death with it, right?
1831
01:29:10,024 --> 01:29:11,692
So, just... just...
1832
01:29:11,693 --> 01:29:13,109
go away.
1833
01:29:13,110 --> 01:29:15,092
Go away.
1834
01:29:28,798 --> 01:29:30,800
Hi. BBC News Desk, please.
1835
01:29:30,801 --> 01:29:32,948
Malcolm Tucker.
1836
01:29:33,430 --> 01:29:34,930
Hi, Ben.
1837
01:29:34,930 --> 01:29:38,768
Listen, I hear that you might be
preparing a story that we might not like.
1838
01:29:38,769 --> 01:29:40,270
- Yeah, please.
- Ow!
1839
01:29:40,271 --> 01:29:44,130
I just wanted to say, please, this
garden-wall story, don't run with that.
1840
01:29:44,131 --> 01:29:45,277
Ow!
1841
01:29:45,278 --> 01:29:47,738
Simon Foster's constituency office wall.
1842
01:29:47,739 --> 01:29:49,783
That's what you've got, haven't you?
1843
01:29:49,783 --> 01:29:52,618
Oh, shit. I haven't let the cat
out of the bag, have I?
1844
01:29:52,619 --> 01:29:55,956
Please, don't run with that.
My reputation will be in tatters.
1845
01:29:55,957 --> 01:29:58,167
- Ow!
- And he is gone!
1846
01:29:58,168 --> 01:30:00,420
My hand is really
quite badly scalded now.
1847
01:30:00,421 --> 01:30:03,591
I know it was you who leaked
Linton's war committee.
1848
01:30:03,591 --> 01:30:06,154
Oh. Right. Erm...
1849
01:30:07,639 --> 01:30:09,599
- It wasn't.
- It wasn't?
1850
01:30:09,600 --> 01:30:10,934
That's what you'll say
1851
01:30:10,935 --> 01:30:15,871
when they fly you to Diego Garcia
and carry out a cavity search?
1852
01:30:17,068 --> 01:30:18,862
I don't actually recall.
1853
01:30:18,863 --> 01:30:20,904
It was a very busy time.
1854
01:30:20,905 --> 01:30:22,615
That's better. OK.
1855
01:30:22,617 --> 01:30:25,118
I am putting you
on a probationary period
1856
01:30:25,119 --> 01:30:28,289
from today,
until the end of recorded time.
1857
01:30:28,291 --> 01:30:30,292
- All right.
- Do you understand?
1858
01:30:30,293 --> 01:30:32,127
- Yes.
- You're my guy now. Right?
1859
01:30:32,128 --> 01:30:36,899
I own you. You are my Kunta Kinte.
Go and get your fucking laptop.
1860
01:30:38,554 --> 01:30:42,265
Mr. Ambassador, with your big, baldy
head, you are spoiling us! A word?
1861
01:30:42,265 --> 01:30:43,975
Excuse us, just for a second.
1862
01:30:43,975 --> 01:30:48,899
I'm pleased to be able to tell you that,
by some huge effort on my behalf,
1863
01:30:48,899 --> 01:30:52,987
I've brought your vote forward
by an hour and a half. Say "thank you".
1864
01:30:52,988 --> 01:30:56,074
- Great. Well, I need it delayed now.
- Very funny.
1865
01:30:56,076 --> 01:30:57,784
By an hour, at least.
1866
01:30:57,786 --> 01:31:01,789
Well, actually, two and a half hours,
now that you've brought it forward.
1867
01:31:01,791 --> 01:31:06,229
No. I will not put myself through that
humiliation again. I'm just not doing it.
1868
01:31:07,047 --> 01:31:10,844
Right. (clears throat)
What can I say? Erm...
1869
01:31:10,845 --> 01:31:14,222
Ah, right, Frank and Nancy Sinatra.
I've got good news for you.
1870
01:31:14,224 --> 01:31:17,435
You're not fired.
That's great news, isn't it?
1871
01:31:17,436 --> 01:31:21,024
- Well, it sounds ominous.
- We want to get Liza Weld's PWIP PIP
1872
01:31:21,024 --> 01:31:24,694
out there properly,
in the public domain.
1873
01:31:24,695 --> 01:31:26,780
We just need to refine it a bit.
1874
01:31:26,782 --> 01:31:28,990
- What do you want to refine?
- Just mess it up.
1875
01:31:28,992 --> 01:31:31,869
Move the paragraphs. Change
the name of the main informant.
1876
01:31:31,871 --> 01:31:35,582
- Well, that's a complete fabrication.
- Changing his name doesn't matter.
1877
01:31:35,583 --> 01:31:38,587
Do you think
he's really called Ice Man? Huh?
1878
01:31:38,587 --> 01:31:41,547
"To Mr. and Mrs. Man, a son... Ice. "
1879
01:31:41,548 --> 01:31:44,886
- So, change it to another name.
(on CD): * Sonata for Violin and Piano
1880
01:31:44,886 --> 01:31:47,097
What's the name
of the fuck with the fiddle?
1881
01:31:47,099 --> 01:31:49,057
- This happens to be Debussy.
- Debussy.
1882
01:31:49,059 --> 01:31:52,395
- Well, we'll change it to Debussy, then.
- No, we will not!
1883
01:31:52,396 --> 01:31:55,233
Now, your prints
are gonna be all over this, Michael,
1884
01:31:55,234 --> 01:31:58,112
but that's the only way
you can save your job, you leaky fuck.
1885
01:31:58,113 --> 01:32:00,032
- Don't make me do this.
- It wasn't him.
1886
01:32:00,033 --> 01:32:03,953
Somebody must have come in there
and used the fax machine.
1887
01:32:03,953 --> 01:32:05,954
- It could have been anyone.
- Fax machine?
1888
01:32:05,956 --> 01:32:09,167
Ah, no! (laughs) Don't worry about that.
1889
01:32:09,168 --> 01:32:11,378
No, I made that up.
1890
01:32:11,380 --> 01:32:13,923
No, the document
was leaked by e-mail.
1891
01:32:13,925 --> 01:32:16,926
It's just, the fax machine was there,
and it's easier to kick.
1892
01:32:16,927 --> 01:32:19,346
Come on, Thick White Duke!
1893
01:32:19,347 --> 01:32:21,975
- Don't shout at...
- Come with me.
1894
01:32:21,975 --> 01:32:24,936
Right, OK. Is it up? Have you got it up?
1895
01:32:24,938 --> 01:32:26,605
Yeah, it's all fine.
1896
01:32:26,606 --> 01:32:29,150
OK. Cut the top paragraph
and paste it into page 5.
1897
01:32:29,152 --> 01:32:30,653
Right, yeah, we've done it.
1898
01:32:30,654 --> 01:32:33,155
Page 6- get rid of the footnotes.
1899
01:32:33,157 --> 01:32:34,408
Done.
1900
01:32:34,408 --> 01:32:36,868
- Go to page 9.
- Go to page 9.
1901
01:32:36,869 --> 01:32:39,832
Highlight from that page
to the end of the document.
1902
01:32:39,832 --> 01:32:42,626
- Go on, do it.
- The caveats?
1903
01:32:42,627 --> 01:32:45,337
- OK. Delete.
- Right, OK, we're doing it. Delete it.
1904
01:32:45,338 --> 01:32:49,092
You can't delete
the arguments against the war.
1905
01:32:49,094 --> 01:32:52,805
Oh. There's a shake of the head here,
Malc. I think he's crashed.
1906
01:32:52,806 --> 01:32:54,600
Give him a thump - that usually works.
1907
01:32:54,601 --> 01:32:56,685
Let me try
a wee bit of manual override.
1908
01:32:56,686 --> 01:33:00,815
Let's see if it is possible to delete
the arguments against the war.
1909
01:33:00,817 --> 01:33:03,694
Hey! You could delete it, after all.
It's done.
1910
01:33:03,695 --> 01:33:05,822
Great. Now, attach that to an e-mail.
1911
01:33:05,823 --> 01:33:07,490
Yes, done it. Done it.
1912
01:33:07,492 --> 01:33:09,493
Let's find a printer.
1913
01:33:09,494 --> 01:33:12,591
- Right.
- The Japanese. They'll have a printer.
1914
01:33:13,082 --> 01:33:15,667
- Well, we can't just present it like this.
- No, we can't.
1915
01:33:15,668 --> 01:33:17,921
Go and get me a blue folder.
1916
01:33:17,921 --> 01:33:20,131
- Well, OK. Where from?
- I don't know.
1917
01:33:20,132 --> 01:33:24,345
I've never been in a fucking stationery
cupboard. I do my shagging in hotels.
1918
01:33:24,346 --> 01:33:26,515
LINTON:
Just take out all the conditionals.
1919
01:33:26,515 --> 01:33:31,618
Like, "might" becomes... Instead of
"might have found", "have found". OK?
1920
01:33:35,153 --> 01:33:38,380
Be audacious.
Just re-write the whole damn thing.
1921
01:33:39,240 --> 01:33:40,365
Ohh...
1922
01:33:40,367 --> 01:33:43,037
LINTON: Declarative sentences -
that's what I want.
1923
01:33:43,037 --> 01:33:45,039
- Take 'em all out.
- Linton, come here.
1924
01:33:45,041 --> 01:33:47,917
- What is it?
- The intel your guys couldn't find.
1925
01:33:47,918 --> 01:33:50,480
Yeah?
1926
01:33:53,592 --> 01:33:58,305
I think that I am owed
a massive, groveling apology.
1927
01:33:58,305 --> 01:34:01,266
Congratulations, huh?
1928
01:34:01,268 --> 01:34:03,829
Maybe they'll give you a knighthood.
1929
01:34:04,314 --> 01:34:06,106
A pleasure doing business with you.
1930
01:34:06,108 --> 01:34:09,110
You know,
I've come across a lot of psychos...
1931
01:34:09,112 --> 01:34:12,489
but none as fucking boring as you.
1932
01:34:12,490 --> 01:34:15,661
I mean, you are a real, boring fuck.
1933
01:34:15,662 --> 01:34:19,123
- Sorry. I know you dislike swearing.
- No, that's all right.
1934
01:34:19,125 --> 01:34:25,935
So, I'll sort that out.
You are a boring F star-star cunt.
1935
01:34:29,095 --> 01:34:31,724
- Are we pretty much...
- Everything as you requested.
1936
01:34:31,725 --> 01:34:34,488
Fine. Good. Ah, welcome aboard, Liza.
1937
01:34:35,354 --> 01:34:37,939
I will make this brief and to the point.
1938
01:34:37,939 --> 01:34:41,485
We're gonna go in,
we're going to state our case,
1939
01:34:41,487 --> 01:34:45,030
with new British intelligence
from source Debussy,
1940
01:34:45,032 --> 01:34:47,952
we win the argument,
we get the hell out. All right?
1941
01:34:47,953 --> 01:34:52,555
CHAIR PERSON:
Resolution 2238 is passed.
1942
01:34:53,042 --> 01:34:55,890
- Yeah. That's that, then.
(mobile rings)
1943
01:34:56,421 --> 01:34:57,463
Yeah?
1944
01:34:57,465 --> 01:35:00,635
Jolly good. "That's that, then,"
is your line for the ages, is it?
1945
01:35:00,636 --> 01:35:02,533
What?
1946
01:35:03,139 --> 01:35:05,807
Well, I remember,
the day that war was declared,
1947
01:35:05,809 --> 01:35:08,811
I turned to the Minister, and he said...
1948
01:35:08,813 --> 01:35:12,317
"That's that, then.
Anyone want a mint?"
1949
01:35:12,318 --> 01:35:14,877
Piss off, Toby.
1950
01:35:16,113 --> 01:35:19,367
- How long before British troops...
JAMIE: Well done, Michael.
1951
01:35:19,368 --> 01:35:23,224
You did a really, really, really good job.
1952
01:35:23,748 --> 01:35:26,097
Oh, for fuck's sake, don't cry.
1953
01:35:28,253 --> 01:35:31,590
I e-mailed my resignation
five minutes ago.
1954
01:35:31,591 --> 01:35:35,427
And yours should come pretty soon,
for the biggest media impact.
1955
01:35:35,429 --> 01:35:37,576
- I've been thinking.
- Yeah?
1956
01:35:38,766 --> 01:35:42,076
This has been the hardest
political decision of my career.
1957
01:35:42,646 --> 01:35:45,108
I'm not going to resign.
1958
01:35:45,109 --> 01:35:48,194
Huh! What the fuck, George?
1959
01:35:48,195 --> 01:35:50,322
Before the war, I was going to resign,
1960
01:35:50,323 --> 01:35:54,536
but now that there's a war on...
I can't resign.
1961
01:35:54,537 --> 01:35:58,332
You said that this was intolerable.
You said we would go together.
1962
01:35:58,332 --> 01:36:01,545
It is intolerable,
but I'm going to have to tolerate it.
1963
01:36:01,546 --> 01:36:04,548
And I still agree with myself on that.
1964
01:36:04,550 --> 01:36:07,219
But my loyalty is to the kids.
I am a soldier.
1965
01:36:07,220 --> 01:36:09,569
You're not a soldier.
1966
01:36:10,475 --> 01:36:12,850
- I've been a soldier my whole life.
- Yeah?
1967
01:36:12,851 --> 01:36:15,229
What do you mean, I'm not a soldier?
I'm a soldier.
1968
01:36:15,229 --> 01:36:18,067
Look at the uniform - you think
I'm one of the Village People?
1969
01:36:18,068 --> 01:36:21,069
When did you shoot a guy last?
1970
01:36:21,070 --> 01:36:23,907
Oh, not shooting someone in 15 years
means I'm not a soldier?
1971
01:36:23,908 --> 01:36:27,118
You know, the Army doesn't make you
drag some bloody corpse
1972
01:36:27,118 --> 01:36:30,664
into the Pentagon every five years,
to renew your "soldier's license".
1973
01:36:30,666 --> 01:36:34,878
It's unnecessary! And if you were
a good general, you'd have some balls!
1974
01:36:34,880 --> 01:36:37,673
Look, shut up about my balls.
My balls have been around.
1975
01:36:37,675 --> 01:36:40,176
You've got no idea
where my balls have been.
1976
01:36:40,177 --> 01:36:43,265
I can talk about your balls all you want,
cos I remember when...
1977
01:36:43,265 --> 01:36:46,644
Oh, I fucked you once 20 years ago,
and I never hear the end of it!
1978
01:36:46,645 --> 01:36:50,774
Every time we're together, I hear
this shit. I don't even remember it!
1979
01:36:50,774 --> 01:36:53,694
Come on, Chad. We have to draft
resignation announcements.
1980
01:36:53,695 --> 01:36:56,990
Actually, I think I might stay
with the General, if that's OK.
1981
01:36:56,992 --> 01:37:00,953
If he's staying, I might stay with him,
see what assistance I can furnish.
1982
01:37:00,954 --> 01:37:04,626
OK... General Shrek
and his faithful, talking donkey.
1983
01:37:04,627 --> 01:37:07,002
- That was nice.
- OK, well done.
1984
01:37:07,003 --> 01:37:09,963
- What are you sticking around for?
- Well, to let you know
1985
01:37:09,965 --> 01:37:12,527
that I think you've got...
1986
01:37:13,052 --> 01:37:14,970
big balls...
1987
01:37:14,972 --> 01:37:19,622
- It's like... two-thirds of the snowman.
- Dear God.
1988
01:37:21,104 --> 01:37:23,231
- We did it, Bob, huh?
- Yes, we did, sir.
1989
01:37:23,233 --> 01:37:25,734
There were a few moments
where it got a little hairy.
1990
01:37:25,735 --> 01:37:27,586
No, there weren't.
1991
01:37:29,908 --> 01:37:32,118
No, no, no, Simon. No, no, listen.
1992
01:37:32,118 --> 01:37:35,096
Hey, hey, hey.
Look, look, look. No, no, no.
1993
01:37:37,752 --> 01:37:40,755
- You still don't need to resign.
- I do.
1994
01:37:40,756 --> 01:37:42,756
I'm resigning in an hour,
1995
01:37:42,757 --> 01:37:45,719
and there's nothing
you can do about it now.
1996
01:37:45,720 --> 01:37:47,930
- Boss...
BOTH: Yes?
1997
01:37:47,931 --> 01:37:51,018
Erm...
it's all over the BBC News websites.
1998
01:37:51,019 --> 01:37:54,355
Partial collapse of the wall.
Mrs. Michaelson's greenhouse.
1999
01:37:54,356 --> 01:37:56,233
Obviously, a pane's been smashed.
2000
01:37:56,234 --> 01:37:58,734
The BBC
must have had a crew down there.
2001
01:37:58,735 --> 01:38:01,238
(laughs) God, how ridiculous!
2002
01:38:01,238 --> 01:38:03,800
And that's news?
2003
01:38:04,326 --> 01:38:06,411
It's not ridiculous.
2004
01:38:06,412 --> 01:38:10,220
It's not ridiculous at all... You're fired.
2005
01:38:10,917 --> 01:38:12,962
What?
2006
01:38:12,962 --> 01:38:16,425
Over the wall -
I mean, that's just not tolerable.
2007
01:38:16,426 --> 01:38:19,554
It's a fucking wall, Malcolm.
2008
01:38:19,555 --> 01:38:21,430
Look. Give me the paper.
2009
01:38:21,431 --> 01:38:25,853
The Telegraph has a cartoon of you
teetering on the Great Wall of China,
2010
01:38:25,854 --> 01:38:29,064
suggesting you are the only
political fuck-up visible from space.
2011
01:38:29,065 --> 01:38:31,652
Look at this. Look at it.
2012
01:38:31,653 --> 01:38:34,215
No-one could survive this.
2013
01:38:34,657 --> 01:38:38,411
The PM's very clear about this.
You're sacked - over the wall.
2014
01:38:38,412 --> 01:38:40,622
- No.
- Yes!
2015
01:38:40,622 --> 01:38:44,668
No. You-You-You haven't
even spoken to the Prime Minister.
2016
01:38:44,671 --> 01:38:46,087
I- I-I have.
2017
01:38:46,087 --> 01:38:48,923
You fucking haven't!
I've been here in front of you.
2018
01:38:48,925 --> 01:38:53,136
I have spoken to the PM. Whether it
happened or not is irrelevant. It is true.
2019
01:38:53,137 --> 01:38:57,195
And he was very clear -
you've got to go.
2020
01:38:59,313 --> 01:39:01,578
Ha!
2021
01:39:02,900 --> 01:39:05,711
If you think I'm going quietly,
Malcolm...
2022
01:39:07,030 --> 01:39:09,115
you've... you've made a mistake.
2023
01:39:09,117 --> 01:39:12,369
Well, if you want to turn this
into some anti-war protest,
2024
01:39:12,371 --> 01:39:16,458
expect to hear your "mountain
of conflict" sound-bite everywhere.
2025
01:39:16,460 --> 01:39:20,881
From ring-tones to fucking...
a dance mix on YouTube.
2026
01:39:20,882 --> 01:39:26,095
And I will marshal
all the media forces of darkness,
2027
01:39:26,096 --> 01:39:28,778
to hound you to an assisted suicide.
2028
01:39:29,685 --> 01:39:33,314
Right-ho. Let's just go and draft your...
"Dear Prime Minster,
2029
01:39:33,314 --> 01:39:37,537
Just a quick note to say,
'Thanks for giving me the sack" letter.
2030
01:39:39,154 --> 01:39:41,405
MALCOLM:
Off we trot.
2031
01:39:41,407 --> 01:39:43,969
Come on, young Simon.
2032
01:39:54,632 --> 01:39:58,220
Erm... General Miller... sorry.
I know this is an awkward time to be...
2033
01:39:58,220 --> 01:40:00,430
Go fuck yourself, Frodo.
2034
01:40:00,431 --> 01:40:02,434
OK.
2035
01:40:02,435 --> 01:40:04,913
(mutters):
You can fuck off yourself, then.
2036
01:40:11,112 --> 01:40:14,407
- Are you hanging, Chad?
- Just... hanging.
2037
01:40:14,408 --> 01:40:17,953
- Wanna play some Face book chess?
- Yes, ma'am.
2038
01:40:17,953 --> 01:40:20,457
Just get away from the wall!
What are you doing?
2039
01:40:20,457 --> 01:40:22,210
I just want a photo near the wall.
2040
01:40:22,211 --> 01:40:26,255
Yeah, you can go back
another 12 inches. No, a bit further.
2041
01:40:26,256 --> 01:40:28,757
- There?
- Stop there!
2042
01:40:28,759 --> 01:40:30,594
CHAD:
Check. (chuckles)
2043
01:40:30,595 --> 01:40:32,680
KAREN:
I haven't touched it.
2044
01:40:32,680 --> 01:40:36,769
CHAD: I made a move for you, which is
the best move possible, and it's still...
2045
01:40:36,770 --> 01:40:40,542
KAREN: You might be Secretary
of State someday, young man.
2046
01:40:40,859 --> 01:40:43,277
CHAD: You... Don't say that
if you don't mean that.
2047
01:40:43,278 --> 01:40:48,408
TOBY: When, you know, all of this shit
is over, maybe, you know...
2048
01:40:48,409 --> 01:40:52,301
You're a woman... I'm not a woman.
2049
01:40:54,458 --> 01:40:56,938
You wanna have sex again?
2050
01:40:57,503 --> 01:41:00,048
Well, would it be such a terrible idea?
2051
01:41:00,050 --> 01:41:02,217
You know - one more.
2052
01:41:02,220 --> 01:41:04,595
"One more for the Gipper".
2053
01:41:04,596 --> 01:41:07,600
Well, I don't want to be accused
of micro-managing,
2054
01:41:07,600 --> 01:41:11,854
but I cannot understand
why "I Heart Huckabees"
2055
01:41:11,854 --> 01:41:16,778
is on a list of DVDs considered suitable
for armed-forces entertainment.
2056
01:41:16,779 --> 01:41:22,283
That self-indulgent crap
is not suitable for combat troops.
2057
01:41:22,284 --> 01:41:25,831
I've got a selection of the quotations
here for you.
2058
01:41:25,832 --> 01:41:29,335
I mean, they're all local building firms.
Much of a muchness.
2059
01:41:29,336 --> 01:41:31,755
You know,
to sort out the boundary wall.
2060
01:41:31,756 --> 01:41:35,010
But the... this septic tank...
2061
01:41:35,011 --> 01:41:37,783
That is rearing its pooey head again.
2062
01:41:37,783 --> 01:41:38,847
Yes.
2063
01:41:38,849 --> 01:41:42,769
I just got off the phone with Linton,
who proceeded to bitch me out,
2064
01:41:42,770 --> 01:41:46,690
for allowing "I Heart Huckabees"
on the troops' DVD roster.
2065
01:41:46,692 --> 01:41:50,154
Yeah. You know that phrase,
"I'm too old for this shit"?
2066
01:41:50,154 --> 01:41:52,532
Well, I'm too young for this shit.
You know?
2067
01:41:52,533 --> 01:41:55,827
MALCOLM: Here's the new Minister.
- Malcolm!
2068
01:41:55,828 --> 01:41:57,872
- There she is.
- Ladies and gentlemen.
2069
01:41:57,872 --> 01:42:00,832
- Look at you!
- Thank you. Thank you. How touching.
2070
01:42:00,833 --> 01:42:03,462
- Minister, how are you doing?
- Very well indeed.
2071
01:42:03,462 --> 01:42:06,340
- You've lost some weight.
- Hello. Judy Molloy.
2072
01:42:06,341 --> 01:42:10,470
- Nice to meet you. This is Dan.
- Danny. Dan. Special Advisor.
2073
01:42:10,470 --> 01:42:12,974
- Danny Dan?
- War seems to be going great guns.
2074
01:42:12,975 --> 01:42:16,478
- Oh, very cheeky! Very cheeky.
- Judy, have I got a desk out here?
2075
01:42:16,479 --> 01:42:20,190
- Careful. There's blood on the deck.
- Er... yeah, sure. You can use that one.
2076
01:42:20,192 --> 01:42:24,113
MALCOLM: How about this? You can't
get better than this. Very glamorous.
2077
01:42:24,113 --> 01:42:27,199
MINISTER: It's a side-step
from my previous job, but that's fine.
2078
01:42:27,201 --> 01:42:29,828
MALCOLM:
I think there's a wee bit of brains there.
2079
01:42:29,829 --> 01:42:31,913
It's the only brains that he had, actually.
2080
01:42:31,914 --> 01:42:34,376
Nice to meet you, Dan.
Where did you go to school?
2081
01:42:34,377 --> 01:42:37,631
- Erm... just a school in Jersey.
- In Jersey?
2082
01:42:37,631 --> 01:42:39,507
- Is that actually Britain?
- Yeah.
2083
01:42:39,510 --> 01:42:43,779
MALCOLM: I'm sorry, but I've been
standing here for 20 minutes...
2084
01:45:25,051 --> 01:45:27,136
MALCOLM:
Let's see you.
2085
01:45:27,137 --> 01:45:32,184
Look at the hair on this. Who let this
woman out with fucking hair like this,
2086
01:45:32,185 --> 01:45:34,438
on national television?
2087
01:45:34,439 --> 01:45:38,318
You'd think she's got her finger
stuck in a fucking electric socket.
2088
01:45:38,319 --> 01:45:40,548
Unbelievable.
170918