Original subtitles

BOX OFFICE 3D THE MOVIE OF MOVIES

Here it is! Teomondo Scrofalo's masterpiece.

Who are you? What are you doing here? The museum is closed!

You'll never get out of here alive with that painting!

They will.

No one has ever seen such violence at the beginning of a film.

THE TEOMONDO SCROFALO CODE

Our entire life,

from our first cry to our final throes,

is one long, painstaking struggle to interpret symbols.

Take for instance the letters of the alphabet,

the language of the ancient Egyptians, ASCII computer codes,

today's crossword puzzles and games, the magic of cards,

or even the cryptic and allusive symbolism of tarot cards...

Lights, please.

I said "lights" meaning "no lights," turn off the lights!

First slide, please.

What does this image bring to mind?

In my opinion the thinness of the candelabra

is a clear reference to avarice as a form of sterile soullessness.

No. Someone else?

Greed!

No, it means that the lights went off!

Next slide, please. I won't look at it.

I will rely upon your acumen and insight to reveal the answer.

What does this image represent?

- Fuck off! - Fuck off!

How dare you?

Those who aren't interested in this lecture can leave. How rude!

Who the hell prepared these slides?

Please, Dr. Strong, you must follow me.

Something terrible has happened! The police needs you.

I cannot, young lady, nothing could be more important than my lecture.

I can't come.

Class dismissed. I've got more important business to attend to. See you tomorrow!

Where is he going?

Let's go. Tell me what's going on.

- Inspector Michel is expecting you. - Thanks.

Good evening, Prof. Strong, welcome to the Musée du Louuu...

We've worked on several cases together,

but this one will be the hardest to crack.

You're right, Inspector. There's no doubt in my mind

- that we will encounter a bottleneck. - Don't be so pessimistic,

our investigation won't necessarily run into a bottleneck.

Not the investigation!

I'm talking about this bottleneck right here. Look at this...

Before being choked to death with wine, he held up three fingers!

This could be a clear reference to the tri-partition of the square root

of the thirteenth postulate of the Fibonacci Theorem!

You're a walking encyclopedia.

It's an honor and a pleasure working with you.

And look at the thumbnail on his right hand.

It's longer than the other thumbnail.

It's a clear reference to the right claw

of Woloch the winged griffin, a Phoenician divinity.

Your knowledge of symbology is astonishing.

Thank you. I'm astonished too, with all this bullshit I'm spewing.

Wait, there's something else!

- What is it? - It's a Da Win-ci Scratch card!

1810... The best Chianti vintage of that century.

The corpse has a flask in his throat and three is the devil's number.

Inspector Michel!

- Dr. Wrong... - Strong, Dr. Strong!

I'm sorry. Please, come with me.

The stolen painting was indeed "ll Giocondo" by Teomondo Scrofalo,

the most important painting in the Louuu...

Every painting contains a microchip,

which allows us to locate them wherever they may be,

but the painting localization system has been compromised,

and the microchip has been damaged.

We are currently unable to trace the stolen painting.

- What a shame! - It's almost lunch time.

Doctor, would you like a tuna tartare? Or maybe a pepperoni pizza?

Thank you, Inspector, I thought you'd never ask!

I was at the university this morning and I didn't eat anything.

I'd love to have a bite to eat.

- Professor, aren't you coming? - These clues have made me drowsy.

I need to get some sleep. Good night!

You were right, he really is wrong...

First he says he'll have lunch, then he goes off to sleep.

It's going to take an expert to decode that guy's thoughts.

- Weren't you going to get some rest? - Who, me? I never sleep.

I would have loved to have dinner, but you never invited me.

This is a copy from the archives.

Why would they want that painting?

What's behind the mystery of that smile? That's going to be our starting point.

The history books say he was a distant descendant of Leonardo Da Vinci's.

- Very distant. - Yes, very distant.

He was obsessed by the Gioconda's smile,

and tried all his life to imitate it, but in vain.

He never succeeded, so he started drinking

and only painted old drunks like himself for the rest of his days.

This is his greatest masterpiece: "ll Giocondo."

A fanatical sect tried to steal it once before.

I know: the Lacryma Christi Confraternity,

also known as the "Centennial Sect".

They keep trying to steal this painting for use in satanic rites

that will generate the elixir of youth.

Inspector Michel, Dr. Wrong...

My name is Strong. If anyone here is wrong, it's you!

- Calm down, Professor. - But he keeps calling me...

- What is it? - Forensics has confirmed

that the localization chip in the painting

has been compromised, but not completely.

We need a hacker... and I've got one!

She is the best. Only problem is, she's in jail.

Dr. Strong, let's go!

I can't, I've got an appointment with the podiatrist.

When it's time to have my feet checked nothing else matters!

Goodbye.

Officer, Inspector! Are we going to talk to this hacker, or what?

Strange people!

Holy cow, that hurt!

He really is all wrong!

You're about to meet Liz Salamander.

I know her.

She was a student of mine in Phoenician nutrition

at Boston University. She was a genius.

She was the one who took my chair at the University.

She replaced you?

No, she stole my chair. She put it in a van

and sold it to a junk dealer to buy marijuana.

Inspector Michel, Professor Wr...

Welcome to the prison of Saint-Maluuu...

What the fuck, you mother fuckers!

That's her. She always greeted me that way in class.

How are you doing, Liz?

Prof. Wrong, still sporting those cute hairpieces, I see!

Did you know that he washes his hair in the washing machine?

That's enough, Liz!

What the hell are you laughing at, denture face!

Liz, listen to us carefully.

How about working with us on a case in exchange for your freedom?

You're asking me if I want to leave this cesspool

and become a free citizen again? What kind of a fucking question is that?

She's right, Inspector.

Who is writing these shitty lines?

My answer is:

yes. I'll do it.

Get your things, we'll explain on the way.

Listen, grandpa, I lay down the rules: I get to do whatever I want!

- Liz, any news? - Very good news!

The chip behind the painting was only disconnected.

I'll use a virtual memory recovery program

to restore our connection to the chip.

How long will that take? 15-20 minutes?

With these fucking ASCII codes, it'll take all night.

All night?!

Arsgrw bzzrsgtk jksbdfpt.

What?

- We know where the painting is! - What?

Wow! Here it is, Liz. The crypt of the Gioconclo!

Who the fuck was this Giocondo?

The elderly drinker who posed for Teomondo Scrofalo's stolen painting.

Frank, this place gives me the creeps.

- Aren't you scared? - Scared'? Me? Come on!

You'd better walk in first.

You go ahead, I'll be right behind you. Go on, it's ok.

No, no, no. First the teacher, then the student. Go!

Frank, I've been trying to tell you something important for the last hour.

Wait. Look up there.

This fresco was painted by Master Scrofalo.

- How can you be so sure? - How can I be so sure?

- Frank, listen to me. - Wait a moment.

With the baby lightinum lookum, superimposum "smilum et streetus"

afterus eternam youthum findum.

He was a terrible painter, but his Latin was even worse!

Frank, please, listen to me, it's important!

Wait, I've got it! "With the baby lightinum lookum."

Look, the light on the child!

Whatthefuck's Triangle of Light!

Who was Whatthefuck?

An Italian scientist who experimented with electricity at home.

Every time he got the electricity bill he exclaimed "What the fuck!"

Frank, I've been trying to tell you...

Wait, I've got an idea!

"Superimposum smilum et streetus".

The "streetum" is the map of Paris. Quick, put it down on the stone.

The "smilum" is the Giocondo's smile. Cpme quick!

Aim the flashlight at that child's face.

Look, the Triangle of Light marks three points on the painting.

The first points to the museum that housed the painting.

The second points to where we are now, Batou graveyard!

What if the cemetery was named Bate?

The third is on Teomondo Scrofalo's signature.

Look, it's casting its light on Fragolin de Sauterne!

I've got it, Liz! The burial place of the Master's mortal remains.

That's where they're keeping the painting they stole from the Louvre,

and where the Centennial Sect will celebrate the satanic rite tonight!

That's what I've been trying to tell you all day!

I went online and logged on to the painting's microchip:

it's in the Fragolin de Sauterne area.

- There's nothing here but the old man's tomb. - Whatthefuck!

What's this got to do with the scientist now?

No, I meant whatthefuck's wrong with you!

Couldn't you have told me earlier?

We could have saved the rental money for this location!

- Liz, how is the weather outside? - Beautiful!

- You must be smoking a joint then. - I am.

- Do you mind? - No!

Here on the "X" is where the Fragolin de Sauterne quarry is.

Not in front, I can't see.

- The smoke isn't helping either. - Swerve to the right,

now left... Hole!

Got it! Next time, yell "hole" a little sooner, will you?

What's this thing hanging here? It stinks too! What flavor is it?

- Hashish. - You've got a one track mind!

- We're almost there. - Thank goodness.

Hey, this isn't the car we started the trip with!

These kinds of films are full of mistakes, so we have to make them too.

Frank, are you sure we've reached point X?

I'm Frank Strong, Professor of Symbology at Paris University

and when I say we're at point X, we are at point X!

L_€t'S

Faithful disciples of Lacryma Christi,

members of the Centennial Sect,

we are gathered here to perform the ritual of eternal youth.

Frank, you have to go in there and join those acolytes!

Colic? No one there is colicky, they look fine!

Acolytes! I'm suggesting you go mingle with them!

Well, I would, but I don't have a fuchsia tunic.

That's not true, you've got one.

Liz, there's no way I'm wearing your skirt.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

- Thank you. - Your tunic is a bit short.

Mr. Bishop, I'm sorry, I must have washed it wrong and it shrunk a little.

- So wash it in cold water. - I will.

Today is the day!

The Lacryma Christi sect, which unites every hundred years

to celebrate its magic ritual,

has gathered the three necessary elements for the miracle:

the secret code, the mortal remains of Master Teomondo Scrofalo,

and his wonderful, extraordinary, inimitable work of art..

- You call that a work of art? - Oh, please!

- His wonderful painting! - Please!

All right, this thing here.

After having read the formula contained in the Master's code book

for the miracle to occur at midnight sharp,

let us drink!

The elixir of longevity and eternal youth!

Well, I'm here... I might as well rejuvenate a few years...

To youm, Teomondo Scrofalo, let us makemus the miraculum!

To youm!

Thank you, Teomondo, for making us in your likeness!

May joy reign over this sad world!

Besides being a dunce in art and Latin,

he was a dunce in chemistry as well!

It's not the "eternal youth formula." It's the "eternal drunkenness spell!"

Frank, what happened? You didn't get younger, you got older!

Hurry, take me to the Basilica of San Pellegrino,

I must dive into that spring

and become a devotee of mineral water again, not wine!

Teomondo Scrofalo, damn you and your code!

COMING SOON

If you think you've seen the worst

the human mind could possibly imagine,

you have no idea...

"Who killed the last Godfather?"

WHO KILLED THE LAST GODFATHER

Well done, guys! You caught the two bastards!

How many did you bury in concrete this morning?

Four

Listen asshole,

you've got 30 seconds to tell us who killed Don Calogero

or you're fucked!

- You're dead! - You'll stop breathing!

Of course he'll stop breathing, he'll be dead!

- Hey you, kill him! - Stop! Wait! Hold on a second.

It wasn't me,

but I know someone who knows who did it!

He knows. Then tell us!

- Talk! - Tell us everything!

Of course he'll tell us everything, he said he'll talk, asshole!

Come on, tell me who the bastard is!

' Him! ' Me?

- What are you talking about? Liar! - I'm no liar. I know for sure.

He knows who did it. He deserves to die!

Bastard!

"Who killed the last Godfather?"

A ruthless, cruel, inhuman saga!

Talk, you bastard, or you'll be breathing cement!

- Talk, you bastard. - You bastard, talk!

Tell me why you're repeating everything I say, asshole.

And what I say too. Tell him that, will you?

Go on! You have 10 seconds... 9, 8, 7...

"Who killed the last Godfather?" A story that knows no mercy.

...2,1...

Please! Stop.

- I swear to God I'll tell you! - Ah, so you're ready to talk now?

Well then, who is the bastard that killed Don Calogero?

- He is! - Me? What are you talking about?

Are you crazy? What are you on? I swear, it's not true.

I told you. It was him!

He's out of his mind. Look at that glassy stare.

Come on, let me speak!

He's a bastard! And you're a bastard! Are you messing with me?

- Are you messing with us'? - Hey, are you messing...

"Who killed the last Godfather?"

Find out soon at a theater near you.

COMING SOON

Coming soon,

the most thrilling horror film of all times...

THE LAST SAGA OF VAMPIRES,

WEREWOLVES AND OTHER DISGUSTING BEASTS

Listen babe, I've got to tell you something.

Tell me, honey. There shouldn't be secrets between us.

I'm not a normal guy. I'm...

- I'm a va... - A valiant lover.

I know, last night was unforgettable. You really wore me out!

- No, that's not what I meant. I'm a vam... - A vamp!

All of my friends look at you and say

you're so handsome, you're such a vamp.

But I'm not jealous, I know you love me.

No! Try to understand me, look at my teeth.

I'm a vamp... A vamp...

- Come on. A vamp... - Vamp, Schmamp. Fuck this!

Why complicate things? "I'm this, I'm that..."

Who the fuck are you anyway? I hate puzzles.

First a vampire, then a werewolf.

Will I ever meet a normal guy?

The hell with you.

In a world where the sleep of reason increasingly generates monsters,

monsters will finally be right and never sleepy.

"They'll be right and never sleepy?"

ls someone there?

A cat!

Thanks!

Good.

Come here!

Where is he?

Three D? Wow, it's a 3D horror film!

Guys, I'm your hairdresser.

Come here so I can cut your hair.

Hey, where are you going?

Don't run away, I can cut your nails!

TWINIGHT 3D - COMING SOON

Hail!

- General... - Centurion!

Weren't you taught to knock before entering?

- Come in! - General,

Emperor Marcus Aurelius wants to talk to you.

What? And you're wasting time knocking at my curtain?

You ought to be a traffic cop in Carthage, not a centurion.

- Hail, Maximus. - Hail, Cesara.

May you have a safe journey, my General!

Thank you, my loyal Centurion. May the gods one day reunite us!

- Bravo. - How was yourjourney, General?

It was alright. A little tiring!

Tiring? You traveled around the corner on your chariot!

Hail, Emperor! You sent for me?

Hello, Maximus. Come.

Mr. Capitoline, let's continue tomorrow.

Come with me, we have to talk.

Excuse me, Emperor: how long have you been posing for this statue?

- Forty-five years! - Holy shit!

It does look just like you, I must say.

I sent for you because I feel my death is near.

It's very difficult for me to decide

whether to leave my glorious and powerful empire

- to you, Maximus the Eighth... - Tenth. Maximus the Tenth.

- Maximus the Tenth of the North... - South.

- Maximus the Tenth of the South. - Maximus whatever-your-name-is,

commander of the army of the...

North.

...Of the North, general of the legions of...

- Felix. - ...Felix, my loyal soldier,

- or leave it to Commodus, my son and... - Hi!

Well... just my son. I'll make this important decision

after well-considered, thought out, careful deliberations.

- Give me a sesterce! - Here it is, Dad.

- Eagle or Coliseum? - I want the eagle!

The eagle's DFGHY!

I like the eagle!

I like the eagle.

What do you choose?

You said well-considered, thought out, careful deliberations.

This coin has an eagle on one side and the Coliseum on the other.

He chose the eagle... so I'll choose...

- the Coliseum! - What a genius! Well done.

Eagle!

The empire will be mine! It'll be mine!

Dad, the empire's mine!

' EmP9r0r! " My heart!

My son won... My heart...

You are dying, Emperor! A doctor, quick!

Thank you, Maximus the Fourth, the Fifth, of the North...

Emperor, please, you're dying. Try to say it right just this once.

Maximus the Tenth of the South.

I'm sorry, it wasn't deliberate.

May the gods strike me down if I'm lying.

Let me see that coin.

This coin is rigged. There are two eagles.

What are you talking about?

There's no trick and there's no coin. Look.

Guards! Arrest him! Go, go, go!

Here we are.

You are so na'I've, Commodus,

my loyal soldiers would never arrest me!

What are you talking about? Of course I'll arrest you.

Commodus gives me sesterces!

I've got a wife and kids, a house to fix and a mortgage to pay!

Guards, take him to the woods and execute him!

Come on!

- You assholes! - Walk!

The empire is mine! Doc, is Dad dead?

- Not yet. - How long is this going to take?

Call Michael Jackson's doctor! That should speed up the process.

Dead.

Centurion, I've got blisters on my feet. We've been walking for two hours.

Shut up.

- Where are we taking him? - None of your business!

Here is fine. General Maximus, get on your knees.

I'm a soldier. I want a painless death.

Well, I'm a good centurion.

I've never killed anyone by a pain in the ass.

Painless, not pain in the ass!

The General's right. Painless, not pain in the ass.

So how shall we kill him?

We can hang him.

No, too ordinary. No one could lift him anyway.

He's not as thin as he looks, plus he's got that armor.

And I've got a slipped disc.

Let him be quartered by the horses!

We came here on foot, you idiot! There are no horses!

Let's burn him.

No, we'll get a fine for polluting. Something easier.

You're a tough one to please!

I've got an idea... let's impale him.

Centurion, I said a painless death. lmpalement is a pain in the ass!

I'm sorry, General. I let the situation get out of hand.

Not exactly out of hand! You wanted to get me somewhere else.

Other ideas?

Let's drown him.

No, too boring. Let's stone him to death!

Let's behead him!

- Let's beat him on the head. - I've got it! Let's shoot him!

- See? You are an idiot! - Ok, well... I'm off. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Give me that piece of bark!

What do you think? Will he get tetanus from this?

Would you give me a lift?

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Are you going to Rome?

- Yes. I'm going to the slave market. - Oh, great! Would you give me a lift?

Sure!

- Please. - Thank you.

Nice quads! Look at those muscles.

You're very kind.

- This Way. - Thank you.

What a kind man!

It's my lucky day!

We're going to make some money today, friends. Let's go!

To the market!

Give me a C, give me an O,

give me an M, give me an M,

give me an O, give me a D,

give me a U and a S Commoclus!

- Gracchus? - Yes, Commodus?

When is it going to start? I'm fed up.

If they don't get started, I'm going to the soccer game.

One captain, there's just one captain!

You are nothing but slaves,

and you are here to kill!

Stick your sword in the flesh of your rival

and the people will love you.

I'm taking notes. Stick your sword in the flesh...

And maybe Emperor Commodus will decide to set you free.

Your swords!

Hey, come on, this is a razor blade!

Your shields!

- If this is a joke, just say it. - Take your seat!

Your masks!

Hold on! Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What a dickhead!

Slaves, are you ready to die and to fight?

Yes!

How am I supposed to speak with this thing on my face?

Holy cow!

- Gracchus? - Yes, Commodus?

Who are these people?

These gladiators will face the invincible Swiss.

Why is he called the Swiss?

He's like clockwork: he kills one every minute.

If that's the case, he'll nail the second too!

Hail Caesar, those who are about to die salute you!

About to die? That's no good!

What is it'?

He's alone and there are seven of us!

We will win for the glory of Rome!

At my signal, unleash hell. Or at least stir up some shit.

One, two, three. Let's go!

Oops, my sandal.

Why all the fuss? Leave it to the hooligans.

I'd like to see you come down to fight this Hercules!

Give me a break!

Please let me out. I double-parked my horse.

They'll deduct points from my driver's license.

Get out there and fight, you coward! There is no other way out.

Are you sure?

Goodbye.

Give me a second. I need to think about my strategy here. This sucks.

Alright already. I'm going.

What's so funny?

After stabbing the flesh of so many opponents, the blade has shrunk.

It's obviously made in Taiwan.

It's not fair. This fight is too uneven.

Swiss, can you do this?

He can.

Maximus, you're the best!

Commodus, how's it going with the vestals?

Maximus, the emperor has granted you your freedom. You're free to go!

Yeah!

- Gracchus? - Yes?

What happened?

Nothing, Emperor. Everything's under control.

Oh, I was starting to worry!

- Who gave that guy his freedom? - I don't know.

Thank you. Thank you.

Maximus, can I have a picture with you?

Sure, just one though, I've got to go home.

Thank you. Long live Rome!

It was a tough battle, but I won.

Thank you, my friends.

- Hi, honey. - Finally!

Kids, quit playing and come here!

Honey, I'm back, rejoice!

Where have you been?

I sent you to get the groceries and you've been away for six years!

Well, I was about to enter the shop when...

Maximus, I'm tired of your excuses!

- You are such a deadbeat! - Me? A deadbeat?

I'm Rome's most valiant soldier!

Your sister, Caligula's wife, is the valiant one.

Excuse me.

People, I'm sorry, we've got some private issues. See you later.

What were you saying, love'?

We were stuck here waiting for you while you were playing toy soldiers!

- Did you buy the milk? - Yes I did,

but I drank it all during the Gallic wars.

Come here, kids, give your dad a hug!

Go do your homework,

you don't want to become globe-trotting losers like your father, do you?

Don't just stand there! There are thousands of things to do!

Oh, sweetie. Mommy's right here.

Whose baby is this? I've been away for six years!

- This is your son. - He can't be, come on!

This is your son, his name is Cuckoldius of the South.

Don't try to change the subject! Come with me!

Change the subject? She changed husbands!

- The bathroom needs cleaning. - I'll clean it.

- The baby needs changing. - I'll change him.

- Lunch needs making. - I'll make it.

- The tunics needs mending. - I'll mend them.

- The horse needs shoeing. - I'll shoe him.

There's laundry to do...

Excuse me, Senator Gracchus,

lbefieve I gave that guy his freedom yesterday.

Yes, but he decided to relinquish it.

He says he'd rather be here than at home with his wife.

Imagine that! You got a cigarette?

No.

After the roaring success of "Who killed the last Godfather?,"

cinema's most violent saga is back.

No one messes with Calogero Cariddi's guys, you bastards!

Calogero Cariddi's guys never get messed with.

No one messes with us, capish?

What did we do to deserve such an idiot brother?

Why do you keep repeating what I say, asshole?

"Who killed the very last Godfather?"

Kill them in 10 seconds.

This time we're in deep trouble!

- We need an idea... - ...seven, six...

- I know! - Seriously?

- Yes. - Tell me.

- ...Three, two, one... - Stop!

- This time I'll tell you the truth. - Yes, we'll tell you.

We're not Don Calogero's killers!

All right. Tell me, if you weren't the bastard, then who was?

- On three. - One, two, three.

It was him!

- Him? - Him?

- Him? - Yes, it was him!

Not only are you an asshole, you're a traitor too!

No, I didn't do it!

"Who killed the very last Godfather?"

"I've got a brilliant idea..." Right!

There used to be two of us, now there are three!

I thought we could blame him, and they'd set us free,

like in the previous trailer!

He thought he could blame me to be set free.

Listen to him! Now you're repeating after us too?

You really are an asshole. Your brother's right!

- I told you he was an asshole. - That's enough! He keeps repeating!

- He's a repeater! - I like repeating.

A never-ending saga, where the surprises just keep coming.

"Who killed the very last Godfather?"

The asshole.

COMING SOON

The mother of all challenges.

Two men who built their reputations on speed

are facing off in the most thrilling street race of the century.

- Who's going to win the race tonight? - You, Blondie!

- Who's going to win the race tonight? - You, Brownie!

Just a second. Waiter, a short espresso, please.

He's trying to amaze us with his special effects.

Look at me, Blondie.

Waiter, a seafood smoothie, please.

Is that all? Hey Brownie, check out this brunette!

- Voilá. - What are you covering her up for?

Blondie, check out this litter of blondes.

Who'll win the challenge of the century? Blondie or Brownie?

I'm going to win this race,

everybody's cheering for me!

I'm going to win this race,

and leave you in the dust.

No, no, no, you won't:

you'll eat my dust.

No, no, no, you won't:

you can suck on my exhaust pipe.

It's so nice to sing songs in movies,

even though no one knows why.

Suddenly everyone starts singing. (Why?)

Then everyone starts dancing too. (Why?)

Most of the time, the songs are really crappy.

Really Crappy-

The mother of all challenges

is about to begin at a theater near you.

- Fifty bucks on Blondie! - One hundred on Brownie!

Right hand for Blondie, left hand for Brownie!

Next, please!

Place your bets on the world's best race!

Place your bets! Final bets!

On your marks...

Engines!

Hey, it won't start!

Guys, I'm sure this has happened to you before.

You get in the car, turn the key, and the car won't start!

Does anyone have jumper cables by any chance?

You clown!

- Give us our money back! - Hey, what's all the fuss about?

Blondie's right. It's just some minor ignition trouble.

If no one has cables, we could use 8 strong arms:

4 on either car. One big push, and we're off.

Arms?! Start this lemon! You guys are pathetic!

- That's just not right! - Just a moment.

Calm down, everything is fine.

- What do you mean? - Do you have the money?

- Right here. - Perfect.

- Act casual. - Easy for you to say!

Blondie? What are we going to do?

- Run! - Yes, let's run fast!

Very fast! These guys are furious!

- Let's go! - Here they come!

"Run fast, they're furious!"

In your car or on foot, race to a movie theater near you.

"Run fast, they're furious!"

COMING SOON

Ouch! My back! The pain!

"Old Old Seventy - Backbreaker".

Come, James.

Not only is this a back brace,

it doubles as a sophisticated parachute.

- A parachute? - A parachute.

- Is it new? - Brand new!

It's been used 3 times and has never opened once.

Old Old Seventy,

the world's oldest secret agent is not ready to retire.

(Uomo) Questi non sono occhiali da vista.

- These are not glasses. - They're not glasses.

It's a still camera and infrared video camera all in one.

Old Old Seventy,

battles arthritis, Alzheimer's, and a heart bypass

as he prepares for his latest mission.

- These aren't dentures. - They're not dentures.

No. It's a bomb with a built-in timer.

It will explode after 5 seconds.

Old Old Seventy

faces a new adventure

armed with the most amazing secret weapons for the incontinent.

This is an incontinence pad.

- Which is not an incontinence pad. - No, this is an actual incontinence pad.

At your age, it can happen while on a secret mission!

- It won't happen! - It can, it will. Go on and change.

Is everything alright, Agent?

James, are you finding these new secret weapons comfortable?

He's not as strong as he used to be.

Careful, it's dangerous there! The stairs!

I knew it! I knew it!

The secret agent most loved by audiences

is back in movie theaters and hospices near you

in "Old Old Seventy - The Hospice can wait".

COMING SOON

To defend their country, a group of heroes

fought a hidden war in the abysses of the sea:

"The Silent War".

Thousands of feet beneath the ocean's waves,

even the smallest sound could mean the end of their existence...

You were right, Sir. A German boat is approaching.

It's almost above us.

Gentlemen, avoid making any sound from now on.

Shit happens.

Descend 200 meters. Idle speed.

But I'm the cook!

- But he's the cook! - But he's the cook!

- But he's the cook! - I don't care!

- Shut up or they'll hear us. - Sir, listen.

Fuck!

Enough! No doubt about it, they're German.

We must shoot, it's within range.

Prepare launch tubes one and two!

Sir, may I remind you that we have no torpedoes left.

What are you talking about?

We used all of them on New Years Eve!

It's true! What a party that was!

Quiet!

The Germans are passing over us.

They're here!

We're in the clear. No problem, they didn't hear us.

- What? - Captain, he can't breathe.

Give me something to catch my fall or I'll make noise.

No, something else.

A cushion!

Torpedo! 9 o'clock!

I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

Gentlemen, please be careful!

And you! Sneezing like a sea lion!

The Germans can hear us! Move over. Turn on the radio.

Let's see if they heard us.

Just few seconds to the end of the World Football Championship match

between Italy and Germany.

- The finals are tonight! - The finals!

The score is still 0-0.

Colaussi on the left passes it center field to Silvio Piola.

He enters the penalty zone, dodges a defender, and another.

He lures the goalkeeper out of his net, kicks the ball... Goal!

Goaaal!

Italy! Italy!

Captain, we've been hit!

Who cares! We're the World Champions!

Italy! Italy!

"The Silent War."

Coming soon.

COMING SOON

Montero's men!

Dad, dad! Montero's men are coming.

' No! ' Yes!

Get inside, Carmencita!

That sucks! I should have run away when I was a little girl!

- Peace to you, Buendia. - Peace to you.

You know, your face speaks much more than a thousand words.

Do you want to know what your face is telling me?

- Yes, sir, I want to know. - He wants to know?

My father is such a loser.

Shut up! What do mean you want to know?

You know they're going to beat you up.

It tells me you're still unable to repay your debt.

What do you say, Buendia? ls your face telling the truth?

Yes, sir, it's telling the truth.

- You do know the law, Buendia, right? - Yes, I do.

Prepare him for a lashing!

Daddy... Dad...

Mom?!

Beer, orange soda, popcorn!

One small popcorn for me! How much is it'?

- Ten euros. - Ten euros?

That's more than at the movies! Cabron!

- May I sit? - Go ahead.

Scoot over.

Oh Lord, please, send Zorro to help my stupid father.

After wearing this mask all day, my conjunctivitis is killing me.

Ah, that's better.

Let's get to work.

- Giddy up! - It's him! Yes, it's him!

Hello cowards and bad guys in uniforms!

I'm Don Diego de la Vega, also known as...

Who?!

As I was saying: I am Don Diego de la Vega.

Diego de la Vegan?

- Vegan? - What are you, deaf?

- He said Megan, Megan! - He said Vegan!

No, he said Pegan with a P, like Pancho!

Are we finished yet? Please, Miss, do something!

Other\/vise I'll go somewhere else to save some other poor fellow.

These people can't even say my name!

They call me Vegan, Megan, Pegan! Can we end this charade?

That's enough! Who cares what his name is?!

The only thing that counts is that... he is Zorro!

- Long live Zorro! - Finally!

Thanks,babe. You could be my babe in arms.

I'm here to defend these people from the rulers' oppression!

Forro? With an "F?" Didn't you say it was Zorro with a "Z?"

I know, I was supposed to write a

I have to have my sword sharpened, don't be such a stickler!

I've got the cape, the mask, the hat... Isn't it obvious that I'm Zorro?

Coming soon to a theater near you, "Zorro, the masked hero."

Get out of here, you impostor!

We'll see who the impostor is!

Ouch, my ankle! I sprained my ankle!

Oh my God,

he's got more injuries than a rugby player!

Coming soon to a theater near you, "Limp! The limping avenger."

Jesus, I can barely stand!

- Long live Xorro, with an "X!" - Long live Xorro!

- Long live Morro, with an "M!" - Long live Morro!

- Long live Borro, with a "B! - Long live Borro!

I knew it. I can't jump off my horse in these boots! The heels are too high!

"Wear high heels, they'll make you look slimmer."

What a load of crap!

They want me to look sharp and I twist my ankle.

I thought Zorro was dashing and virile...

- What a lame hero we've got. - Please, Miss,

I'm fighting for your family.

If I'd known how you feel, I wouldn't have come at all, ok?

You guys are still here?

Why is everyone picking on me today?

Limp is a two-bit hero!

What idiots! You help them and they complain!

I'm quitting this Zorro gig and signing up for "Sex and the city"!

Who gives a damn!

"Limp, the limping avenger."

Coming soon.

COMING SOON

In the year 2096 A.D.,

humanity was heading toward a sad and inexorable sunset.

Words like passion, desire, and sex

could no longer be found in any dictionary.

But, in a distant galaxy,

there was a planet inhabited by men beyond the frontiers of virility.

This planet was called...

Hardonia.

The secret behind that fiery passion

was safeguarded in their fertile soil and the fruits that sprouted from it.

From that soil, a rare species thrived abundantly... Viagrus Fuckensis.

Oh, there it is!

Pick this one, look how big it is.

Bunga! Bunga! Bunga! Bunga! Yeah! Yeah!

Bunga! Bunga! Bunga! Bunga! Yeah! Yeah!

Coming soon to a theater near you...

"Viagratar."

How much time do you need to complete the training?

Unfortunately the soldier we had selected for Viagratar training

died in a mission on Earth.

What a pity! I knew him well: he was 6-feet tall, sturdy, athletic.

They sent his cousin as a replacement. They had the same DNA.

Well, if they sent his cousin, he must have a sturdy build, too.

- Mutation complete. - He's ready, commander.

My God, it was so cold in there!

There may have been budget cuts in the special effects department,

but they didn't have to use a freezer as a transformation chamber.

Just a second.

Does this midget look like a Viagratar to you?

He should have been turned away by recruiting!

Alone on an unknown planet,

our hero, Viagratar, begins his mission.

Ehi, non ti avevo mai visto prima da queste parti, ragazzino.

Kid? Listen beanpole, I'm 40 years old.

Besides, the best wine is kept in the smallest barrels.

You're funny! You look more like a smurf than a soldier.

Can we stay away from the insults and racism, please?

What's 2 inches anyway?

Take this. Taste it.

I want to know what kind of person you are.

This sacred plant's fruits can only be eaten here, they can't be taken away.

Princess Ma'va, this reminds me of medication we have on Earth that...

- Princess... - Yes?

Have you ever seen my butterfly collection?

Will our hero manage to accomplish his mission

by stealing a sample of Viagrus Fuckensis?

Thief, thief!

Get a load of her! First she sleeps with me, then she spies on me!

Get him!

- Help! - Give us back our plant!

Where do you think you're going?

Phew, finally!

DINOSAUR TAXI

- Dinosaur taxi! - Here I am!

Quick! Fly me out of here!

50 for a regular flight, 100 for a panoramic flight.

Your rates are out of this world!

Cost of living shot up since the Pand-euro came into effect.

I'm turning on the meter!

- Give us back our Viagrus! - Jerk!

UP yours!

When science fiction meets eroticism, the result can only be...

"Viagratar!" Coming soon to a theater near you

Read information leaflet carefully.

Can I get a blank receipt?

Inflating my expense report is the only way I can make ends meet.

Thank you so much.

On a quiet and wintry January morning,

the school bells at Sequells Castle were about to start pealing again.

It was the beginning of a new semester

and of the 50th film in this series starring... Erry Potshotter!

ERRY POTSHOTTER AND THE AGE OF RETIREMENT

Ronzzz, this is the fourth pair of glasses I get this year,

I can barely see anymore. And look at this belly!

At 50, my metabolism isn't what it used to be.

Tell me about it, Erry.

I look like I've had a watermelon transplant!

And my grey hair!

We're not as young as we used to be!

But they keep pushing one or two movies on us every year!

Not to brag, but 15 years ago,

in "Erry Potshotter and the Crimson Python,"

I had six-pack abs!

In "Erry Potshotter and the Possessed Opossum,"

I was so skinny, I had to stay home if it was too windy out!

Why are you still in your room? There's a test in magic class today!

- Hi, Hernione. - We're coming.

We're coming.

We're coming... We're coming...

Guys! We've been hanging out for over 20 years,

aren't you fed up of seeing me?

Sorry, Hernione! We've been trapped here for 40 years,

forced to observe mandatory abstinence!

They won't even let us pay to bring escorts here.

In my next life, I'm coming back as Prime Minister of Italy.

She's leaving...

- She's leaving... - Where is she going?

- Erry! - That was my magic wand.

Apply the formulas you learned last year

to solve the equation used to transform a frog into Prince Charming.

You will have two hours to complete this test.

Are you ready?

Go!

How on earth can a toad like you be transformed into Prince Charming?

With Prince Charles, they were only half successful:

half-man, half-horse!

Silence! Potshotterl Always taking pot shots!

Supercalifragilistic... No, too old, it'll never work!

Salagadula... This is even worse!

- Can I copy off you? - Quit trying to cheat!

I'll give you two packs of Transformer cards!

- No! - Five Ben 10 action figures!

I said no!

My entire collection of Playboy Bunnies posters!

Prof. Stirring, Potshotter is trying to copy off me.

He keeps offering bribes in exchange for my answers!

That's not true. I didn't say anything.

You can leave now, Potshotter.

Your test is over. You've earned yourself a big, fat zero!

If you keep this up, you'll never leave Sequells Castle.

Hey, black acne!

- Do you forgive me now? - No!

Thank you.

Zickety zackety zu...

From frog to prince for you!

I am Prince Charming!

Yeah, and I'm Snow White. Say hi to your six brothers for me.

Tobias...

Six.

Rufus...

Seven.

Priscilla... Eight!

- Ronzzz... - Hey!

- Ronzzz! - Hey, wake up!

Half.

- Not even a one? - No

Hernione...

- Two. - All I ever get is two!

Because those two are all I see, even at night.

Erry Potshotter... Zero!

Quiet, please.

What has gotten into you, young man?

Don't you have an ounce of self-respect?

Your graduation is 25 years overdue.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life at Sequells Castle?

If you keep failing me, I'll have no choice, will I?

If you tell me where I can get the forms, I'll apply for retirement!

As this school's oldest pupil once did.

- No! Do not pronounce that name! - What was his name?

Don't pronounce it! It's a jinx!

- Voldamorgue. - No!

Damn you and all your ancestors! Oh, that hurts!

- You said it was a jinx! - Don't say his name!

- But I only said it once. - Fuck you!

- Who? Me? - I'll show you!

Hernione, I don't know how to say this,

but there's something inside me growing bigger for you by the moment!

Yes, I can feel it, Ronzzz. I can definitely feel it!

Don't misunderstand me, Hernione! I was referring to my love for you!

I understand, Ronzzz, but you know we can't.

The strict rules at Sequells Castle won't allow it!

Please explain.

We can't fuck!

Our contract says we're still supposed to be kids, you dolt.

- Who is it? - It's Erry, open up!

Erry Openup? I don't know an Erry Openup.

The older they get, the dumber they become!

It's Erry Potshotter, open up, as in the verb "to open!"

Why now?

I'll open up in a second, Erry, sorry!

Erry Sorry? But I'm Erry Potshotter.

Quick, get in the closet.

Out the window! I don't want Erry to find you here.

Hurry UP!

Re you crazy?! It's a 100-foot drop!

Well? We're wizards, aren't we? Go on, you coward!

Oh God... What was that spell to turn someone into a bird?

Hernione!

Hi, Erry!

Oh, Fight!

Feathers fowl are!

A little late, you little bugger!

- Erry! - Hernione!

I wanted to tell you that...

There's something great inside me and it keeps growing for you...

You too? It's your heart, right? It beats for me!

Well, yes. There are two great things inside me that grow for you.

Two? Your heart and your thoughts, I'm always in your thoughts!

Three then! Three great things inside me are growing for you!

Erry, I get it. This isn't a Disney movie!

Wait, I've been in abstinence for 40 years, Hernione.

Opus incertum!

No! Not the stone hands!

You were caught fornicating

with a classmate from your course-ourse-ourse

and this is the punishment you deserve!

Wizard Husheldore, this is a wizardry school, not a monastery!

We're not kids anymore! Hormones have their rights too.

Hush!

Now I know why they call him Husheldore.

Well, I've overstayed my welcome, I'll retire to my room.

Goodbye!

- Aren't you going to shake my hand? - Never.

Just one question:

why didn't you perform this magic trick on that ex-student of yours?

- Do not pronounce that name! - What was his name?

- Don't pronounce it! It's a jinx! - Voldamorgue.

Fuck you and that name!

He did say it was a jinx.

Would you like an Advil, Wizard?

UP yours!

The next morning was insidiously ominous with evil surprises.

If you are door-to-door salesmen, leave or I'll kick your ass.

I'm Frodolo. I come from Middle Earth.

Nice to meet you! So you're the young Lord of the Rings?

Yes, every time they want to convince me to make another sequel,

they give me a ring.

You should see how many I have on my toes. Do you want to see?

No, thanks. Oh goodness!

I've seen some ugly dogs in my life. But this one... What breed is it?

This is my secretary, meet Goal-lum.

Despite his appearance, we are good friends.

I'm his preciousss friend!

Down! Down!

- Welcome to Sequells Castle. - Go ahead.

Love, sun, sky, sea...

Ronzzz, Erry! Look who's here!

Meet Frodolo, the Young Lord of the Rings, from Middle Earth!

- Fuck me! - What are you doing in my castle?

I don't know. I think I got the wrong sequel!

What an ugly beast! Where did you get it, Chernobyl?

Serves you right for treating beasts that way.

Are you calling me a beast?

Suddenly, everyone at Sequells Castle only had eyes for the new stranger,

which, to Erry, was a real pain in the a...

...in the neck!

Lord Mordor gave 19 rings to us, the inhabitants of Middle Earth,

but we soon found out that he had deceived us!

The ring he had made for himself could control all the others.

The One Ring!

But one of our ancestors got back at the dark lord:

he cut off his finger to get the ring!

What are you talking about?

What a moving story!

My heart races as I listen to that story!

What's so moving about it? It doesn't hold water.

The dark lord, the One Ring... This is total bullshit!

We may have lost the last fight, but my duty was to save the ring.

Look.

That's disgusting!

Oops, sorry, that was the finger of the dark lord I was talking about.

Here it is.

This piece ofjunk is the magic ring? Oh, please!

What are you insinuating, Potshotter?

My magic wand is worth a thousand of those scrap pieces of copper!

Are you challenging me?

Please don't challenge him to a flying broom match.

- I hate that game. - I challenge you to a flying broom match.

There you go! How boring!

Duel! Duel! Duel!

Quiet! There are people sleeping!

Hello-lo-lo-lo

Welcome to the great challenge of the flying brooms!

- Wizard Husheldore... - What do you want?

All our flying brooms are in the shop.

And the gas was too expensive. All we have is regular brooms.

Again, huh?

Welcome to the great challenge of the regular brooms-ooms-ooms...

If they keep up the budget cuts,

the next film will feature a poker challenge!

Let the challenge begin!

Dear spectators, this challenge will begin in a few minutes.

On one side, we have Erry Potshotter and his friend Ronzzz...

Thank goodness we're not flying. At my age, I'm afraid of heights.

We could have taken the vacuum cleaners.

...And on the other, the "Strangers:" Frodolo and Goal-Ium.

- I don't see any banners. - No.

Erry! Erry! Frodolo! Frodolo!

I want all of you to be on the ball!

FRODOLO2 O - POTSHOTTER: 1

That goal is not valid!

You've got to dribble it first. You can't do that.

If the referee blows his whistle, the ball is still in play.

Don't fight!

Save it!

- Yes, Wizard Husheldore. - What do you want?

- You called me over! - No, I was shooing a fly.

But, Referee, he faked that fall!

They're just kids.

Referee! Time out!

It's just us two. How will we form our barrier?

Don't worry, I've got one!

Great, Erry!

Potshotter's movies are full of dirty tricks.

- Should I bite them? - No, I'll volley it over their heads.

Please, Mario, jump.

Good job, Mario! No one can beat your headers!

There's only one minute left and our teams are tied. 8 goals each.

As you can see this is anyone's match!

I'm the President of the Inter team. I'm rooting for the ring guy

because he's a foreigner! I'm not big on Italians.

Hopefully Erry Potshotter won't pull one of his tricks and ruin my fun again.

- There's not a dog's chance you'll win! - Me? A dog's chance?!

Penalty!

- It's a penalty! - No, it wasn't!

- It's a penalty! - It definitely wasn't!

- What was it'? - A penalty.

That's what I've been trying to tell you!

Penalty kick! The referee grants a penalty kick to Potshotter's team!

That wasn't a penalty, come on.

I knew Potshotter would pull some trick. I think he's a Juventus player!

Of course it wasn't a penalty.

It was a penalty. There's no doubt about it! A penalty, for sure!

May my hair go red if it wasn't a penalty!

How can I take my penalty kick with these brooms in the way?

Erry, magic trick #4!

Go, Potshotter! Score a goal!

Go!

Well done, Erry!

Hey, he moved the goal!

That was easy!

Goodbye, I'm going shopping for a new coach.

You should, President.

Erry is the Champion of Sequells! Champion of Sequells!

The winner of the match is Erry Potshotter's team!

No other surname has ever been as appr... appr... approprrr...

As appropriate!

No other surname has ever been... what she said.

Frodolo's team loses the ring.

What are you doing? Are you keeping the ring?

Sure, so if they want to shoot another sequel to "The Young Lord of the Rings",

they'll have to cast me in one of the leading roles!

You know, I look just like the wizards in those movies anyway

I'm smart, very smart-art-art... Excuse me.

Dammit, I must get my ring back!

That ring is mine, I have to get it back.

Too bad my lawyer was busy today.

Frodolo sneaks into Wizard Husheldore's office to retrieve his ring.

There's my ring!

- Ah, there's my ring! - Your ring?! Give it back!

No, I won it fair and square in the regular broom match!

The match?! You mean that farce?

I'm desperate! I don't know what to do.

Production sent me another letter this morning,

saying our audience has caught on to the real ages of our protagonists

and they're threatening to stop going to movie theaters.

This puts the release of "Erry Potshotter and the Magic Cucumber"

at grave risk-isk-isk!

Venerable Wizard, I don't understand.

We're doing well at the box office, things have always gone smoothly.

I don't see why.

Because they've grown up! Get it? I'm gonna kill this woman.

They're grown-ups! Adults!

Have you seen the tits on Hernione?

Even for a man my age, I'll be 260 years old in April,

they're hard to miss.

- We've noticed. - Is it that obvious?

- What do you think? - Refrain from commenting.

- I apologize. - And Erry?

I've lost count of all the times we've flunked him just to keep him here,

but he must be in his 50s by now!

They want to copulate. Do you know what "copulate" means?

- No. - Oh. You don't know.

Of course you know.

They want to copulate. They want to have families and grow up!

But that would mean the end of Sequells Castle.

Without them, we'll be forced to pose for pictures with tourists,

if we're lucky-ucky-ucky.

- That would be so boring. - Oring-oring.

- Well? - Sorry.

So, venerable Wizard, what can we do to save this place?

There's only one thing left to do.

It pains me to do this. Lord knows how much I love those kids, but...

we have to make them young again with some of our black magic!

- But black magic is forbidden! - I know, but what choice do I have?!

E va bene, piccoli. Quanto piccoli?

- Well... okay. How young? - I don't know!

At least back to how old they were in

"Erry Potshotter and the Magic Nursery School!"

Do you know that this will give us another 30 years of success?

Get outta here!

If we don't do this, we'll be released straight-to-video

without even making it to the theaters-aters-aters!

I'm outta here.

Frodolo stoically put aside his rivalry and treated Erry as a friend.

You're up shit creek now. I already have a contract for 4 more sequels,

but if you give me back the ring, I can get you out of here.

The ring? Alright!

Here's the ring, but let me tell you something:

- Frodolo, you truly are a little shitolo. - Little shitolo?!

The two boys forged a strong friendship.

You've got to believe me. They want to turn us into kids again.

That's impossible!

But it's true! We heard it with our own ears!

- And what ears! - If you don't do something right now,

they'll use their magic to make you young again

and you'll be left to rot in this place with the stuffed owls!

Shit!

The first man that gets me out of here can sleep with me!

If we're going to escape, we'll need a magic trick that can change the plot.

Impossible. No one can do that, my preciousss.

You're wrong, Goal-lum.

Erry, we can do it.

Yes, we can!

With this wand and this ring...

You asshole! You stole it from me again!

I will perform a 3D magic trick with these two gadgets.

I will create a magnetic field. Look, the scene change is taking place.

At the end of the movie, an escape route will materialize!

- Huddle together. - Together! Together!

Ibra... Alex... Krasic... Eto'0!

Hey guys, the magic spell worked!

But where are we now?

What the fuck are you kids doing here all dressed up for Halloween?

And above all... who the fuck are you?

They're the traitors.

Yeah, they're the ones who killed the last Godfather!

We did what? We killed who?!

How the fuck did we all end up here?

This is your episode! If you don't know, who does?

He's right, we should know. It's our episode.

May I?

What are doing, you asshole? Repeating our lines, too?

Yes, he's an asshole!

Asshole, asshole!

- Sorry, do you know why we're here? - Of course I know.

I wrote the script, starred and directed this film:

this is the grand finale.

Ezio, we have to go, we have to wrap up this film!

- Gina Lollobrigida! - Gina!

- Pardon me. - Hi Gina!

Ezio, Ezio!

- Thank you, Gina. - Thank you, Ezio.

Long live Gina Lollobrigida!

- Long live the cinema! - Viva!

AS LONG AS THERE IS CINEMA, THERE WILL BE PARODY

AND THE LAUGHTER WILL NEVER...

END AT LEAST NOT YET!

Sottotitoli Anna Maria Bruno