All language subtitles for 01 The Pink Panther - 1963 English

01 The Pink Panther - 1963 English

As in every stone of this size,
there is a flaw.

- A flaw?
- The slightest flaw, Your Excellency.

If you look deep into the stone,

you will perceive
the tiniest discolouration.

It resembles an animal.

- An animal?
- A leaping panther.

Yes. A pink panther.

Come here, Dala.

A gift for your father
from his grateful people.

Someday it will be yours.

The most fabulous diamond
in all the world.

Come closer.

Okay. Thanks a lot, fellas.
Don't forget to take the wardrobe back.

How do you want them,
matte or glossy?

I want it right away.
I'm in a hurry.

You can't rush a genius.

I'll rush.

Don't forget about the wardrobe.

What you doing?

Where is everybody?

- Come out of there!
- Who is it?

Come out,
or we'll bust the door in!

Just a minute.

- Can I help you?
- Where is he?

- Where's who?
- George Litton.

He owes me 40 grand,
and nobody welshes on Big Joe.

Look, Big Joe,
I'm not a bill collector.

I'm a photographer.
Just took his picture.

- What kind of a picture?
- Graduation picture.

- His what?
- Graduation.

Get him!

They're worth half a million.
We'll settle for 300,000.

I'll do what I can,
but the merchandise is extremely hot.

You stay here. Come with me.

Come on!

- Pardon, madame.
- Certainly.

She's gone down. Come on!

We must find that woman.

What did you say?

We don't have
much of a description.

About 5'7", black hair,
wearing a light beige coat.

The fools let that fence escape.
He might have talked.

- We will catch him.
- We must.

We must find that woman.

She is our first positive link
with the Phantom.

- Yes?
- Your wife to see you, Inspector.

Send her in, please.
Henri, that will be all.

- Hello, my darling.
- My angel.

Amber, how are you?

Hello, Duchess.
So glad you could come.

Have fun, children. How are you?

Hello, darling!

You know Monica?

Of course. You were
simply stunning in your last film.

- What's he say?
- He says hello,

and he would like you
to meet his cousin.

- His third cousin.
- That does make a difference.

- Who is that?
- Princess Dala.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Miss Angela Dunning.

- Yes?
- Your Highness?

Yes.

Here I am again, Your Highness.

I was having a cocktail party,
and I saw you driving by...

I just know you'd enjoy it.
Yes, you'd just love it...

Your Highness.

Hello there.

I can't tell you
what an honour this is.

Everyone's just dying to meet you.

- Good morning, Your Highness.
- Good morning.

- You're a wonderful skier.
- Thank you.

Help!

Somebody's taking my sleigh.
Amber! My dog.

Leave this to me, ma'am.

- What happened?
- I don't know.

There was a man with a gun,
and he took the sleigh and Amber.

We'll only be here a few days.

It will be a wonderful chance
for a beautiful vacation.

Excuse me. My leg is caught.

I apologize
for this inconvenience.

Do you know who that was?
That was Sir Charles Litton.

- Really?
- Yes.

I am Inspector Clouseau.
This is Madame Clouseau.

All right. Thank you.

I'm sorry, my darling.

- It's all right, my darling.
- Excuse me.

Do you know that
you're really amazing?

So you've said.

How you can manage
on a police inspector's salary.

How many women could save
enough out of their housekeeping

to buy such a beautiful
mink coat as this?

It's not easy.

You are a constant
and desirable contradiction.

I'm simply
a woman in love, my darling.

My darling.

I'm sorry, my darling.
Please excuse me.

It's all right.

Did I hurt you?
Are you all right?

- Yes, I'm fine.
- You sure?

- Yes, I am.
- My darling, I'm so sorry.

I have a little business
to conclude with the manager.

Yes?

After which, I'll return
to you immediately.

Bye, darling.

It's all right.

- How did it go?
- Perfectly.

Come in.

Princess Dala
is concerned about your injuries.

Please thank the princess.

Tell her there's nothing
to be concerned about.

It's really not too serious.

In that case, Her Highness
has instructed me

to invite you for dinner
this evening, 8:00 at her chalet.

I'd be delighted to come.

You know Signor Tucker
from Lloyd's of London.

- Hello.
- Hello, old bean.

Your company
insures the Pink Panther.

Yes, for half a million.

- Pounds?
- Sterling.

The Phantom could not resist
the Pink Panther.

He will most certainly
make an attempt.

When he does, I shall
be waiting for him. Excuse me.

If I understand your theory,

the Phantom is
one of Miss Dunning's guests.

That is the theory.
I would like to have from you

the names of those guests,
also the location of their rooms.

Of course!

I assume that the Princess Dala
has the jewel with her.

She'd only tell me
it was in a safe place.

I suppose if it isn't here,
it's at her villa in Rome.

My men are watching that villa.

With such planning,
how can the Phantom succeed?

With such planning,
he's succeeded for 20 years.

It's a mistake to underestimate him,
as the inspector can tell you.

The shrewdest, most ingenious
criminal in all the world.

- And you have never seen him?
- I've seen him once.

Five years ago,
got a fleeting glimpse...

Excuse me.

Got a fleeting glimpse of him
as he made his getaway.

In a strange way,
I admire that man.

He has... how would you say...
a unique flair for the dramatic.

- He waved good-bye to me.
- Fascinating.

But this time, gentlemen,
I shall be waving good-bye to him...

on his way to prison.

Good evening.

Make yourself comfortable.
Her Highness will join you in a moment.

- May I give you a drink?
- I'd like a brandy, thank you.

Your Highness.

Good evening, Sir Charles.

Any news from the police
about your dear little dog?

They expect I'll receive
a ransom note.

I am deeply grateful
for what you tried to do.

Ma'am, it was nothing.

Thank you.

- Please sit down.
- Aren't you drinking?

- I don't drink.
- Not ever?

I'm quite content with reality.
I have no need for escape.

I enjoy reality
as much as the next man.

In my case, fortunately,

reality includes a good,
stiff belt every now and then.

- On the other hand, I don't smoke.
- You're right. It's a nasty habit.

Here's to those nasty little habits
that we hold so dear.

L'Chaim.

I beg your pardon?

Let's just say
in this case, it means...

your health and thank you
for inviting me to dinner.

It's not often I have the chance
to dine alone with a beautiful princess.

I hate to disappoint you,
but I'm afraid this isn't the night.

- But I understood that...
- We're having dinner, but not alone.

At last! Hello!

We've been through icicles
up to our you-know-whats!

Your Highness!

I think it's too darling of you
to invite me here tonight.

- You've made Cortina for me.
- Hello, lover.

Hello, dear boy.

Don't you move a muscle, darling.

Isn't he wonderful, Your Highness?

Such a magnificent sacrifice.

Good evening, sir.

May I have a cigarette,
my darling?

Yes, of course, my darling.

- There you are, my love.
- Thank you.

- Yes, sir?
- Scotch on the rocks.

- Thank you.
- My pleasure.

Thank you very much.

I'm looking for my uncle,
Sir Charles Litton.

- Darling.
- May I get you some water?

- Hold your hands over your head.
- Yes, my darling. Bend forward.

- Darling, I'm sorry.
- Are you all right?

Are you all right, my darling?

What?

- My darling?
- I'll be right back.

Yes, darling.

Please.

She's got a cough
in her throat, you know.

And what do you think?
She turned out to be a man!

It's true! It's quite true!

Your Highness, you really must
let me give you a party.

I can positively guarantee
it'll be a party to end all parties.

I'm sure it will.

Perhaps Her Highness
has other plans.

On the contrary. Sounds like fun.
Will you include Sir Charles?

No. Charles is
having a fling in Capri.

He has his own parties.

Yes, I've read about
some of his parties.

They're wonderful.
We call him the juggler.

I've never really known
a man like him.

He can keep ten girls in the air
at once and make each one happy.

Amazing. Sort of
a contemporary Don Juan.

- That's it.
- But there's a difference.

Sir Charles' predecessor was forced
to climb balconies and fight duels,

and, as I understand it,
keep his women separate.

Charles, on the other hand,
drives a Ferrari,

enters with a key,
and resorts to collective bargaining.

But they both have
something in common.

- What's that, Your Highness?
- Maybe it's best forgotten.

Don't be silly.
Charles doesn't mind.

Everyone takes a pot-shot
at Charles sooner or later.

Go ahead, ma'am, shoot.

It seems to me
any middle-aged bachelor

who has never desired
the basic rewards of wife and family

and finds it necessary to occupy
the major portion of his life

making one conquest after another

is trying to prove something
he can never possibly prove.

- And what's that?
- That he's a man.

You're joking!

It's somewhat complicated,
but basically sound.

- Well, Charles?
- Not very original.

That theory has become
rather a tired Freudian cliche.

- But true.
- I've never been on the couch.

Not true.
That's part of your problem.

How refreshing to find royalty
possessed of such a perceptive wit.

Charles, you going
to take that lying down?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

My leg is hurting rather badly.
May I be excused?

- I'll be damned.
- I can't believe it.

- The leg?
- I haven't the faintest idea.

That goes to prove
there's a first time for everything.

Got a terrific laugh, anyway.

Simone!

Jacques, I'm still cold.

Perhaps another blanket,
my darling.

All right, darling.

There you are, my darling.

- Yes, darling?
- The light.

- What?
- I'm sorry. It doesn't help.

Perhaps a hot glass of milk.

But I think the room service
has finished, my love.

Yes, of course. I forgot.

You see?

They're all gone now.

Well, no matter.

You see...

If my little pigeon
wants a glass of milk...

she shall have one...

even if I have to force them
to open the kitchen.

She shall have milk
wherever she goes, hot or cold.

- Hot.
- I know. That's what I said.

Open the door.

Darling, I need to talk to you.

I've sent Jacques for some milk.
I only have a moment.

- Let's make the most of it.
- No! Stop it.

- It was your idea.
- Yes, but you're the wrong...

The wrong what? Man?
You think I was...

No. I thought you were exactly
who you are, but I'm too impulsive.

This is not the right way.

Another time.

- Here you are, my beloved.
- Thank you.

It's all they had.

Can't get a thing in this hotel.
I had to force them to give me that.

Never mind.

My darling, lovely darling.

What's wrong?

My darling, your feet
are like two icicles.

Have you been out of bed
or something?

No, of course not.

Anyway, you warm them on me.

This is Princess Dala.
My guests have gone,

and I thought perhaps
you would come back and have a drink.

I would feel better
if we're friends.

I would, too,
and I'd love to come,

but my leg is rather painful.

I'm sorry. Another time.

Why don't you come up here?

My leg is only bad
if I walk too much.

Maybe you could do the walking
and I could do the drinking.

Unless you think it would be indiscreet
to come to a man's room.

I'll be there in five minutes.
Good-bye, Sir Charles.

Good-bye.

I don't know what's wrong.
I'm just a bundle of nerves.

Don't worry. We've solved
that problem before.

- You don't mean...
- Of course.

- I don't think you should.
- Don't worry, my darling.

- I shall do it ever so softly.
- Jacques, are you sure?

My darling, of course.
It's always worked before.

There's no reason
why it should not work now.

You just relax
and leave everything to me.

Jacques?

- Yes, my darling?
- I don't think it's such a good idea.

You mean that it's not helping?

I'm afraid not.
I think I'll just take a sleeping pill.

Very well, my darling.
I'll get it for you.

And why don't you take one yourself?
You need the rest, you know?

Yes, I think perhaps I will.

Here, my darling.

- Thank you, my angel.
- Thank you, my angel.

My poor Jacques.

No matter.

When you've seen one Stradivarius,
you've seen them all.

I hadn't realized it was so late.

Come in, sit down, relax.
Have a nice glass of champagne.

- I told you I don't drink.
- Champagne's not drinking.

That's the minimum of alcohol
and the maximum of companionship.

It's still against my principles.

That's too bad.
I thought it might break the ice.

- You took me to task rather properly.
- No, thank you.

I thought your analysis
was very perceptive.

- But not very polite.
- No, it wasn't.

- What made you do it?
- I resented you.

I find it hard to understand
a man of your reputation.

We both have reputations.

Perhaps mine is a little more
highly publicized than yours,

but you have presented the press
with a rather definite image.

Yes, I know.

- Are you?
- What?

What they call you.
The virgin queen.

I'm not the queen.

That's only half an answer.

The strong-willed ruler of ten million
people sitting in her ivory tower,

untouched, unwed,
and unapproachable.

If you had known my father,
you would understand me.

He was an absolute ruler.

He governed his people
with an iron hand,

but he gave me a white pony
for my fifth birthday.

He was wrong about many things,

but he made his decisions according
to the ways of his predecessors.

I learned the way of the West,
so I've become a little of both...

a paradox...

and it is hard
to reconcile the extremes.

Have a glass of champagne.
Does wonders for extremes.

It's been known to launch
some lasting friendships.

- Don't you trust me?
- No.

- Are you afraid?
- No.

L'Chaim.

I was three years old
when I rode my first elephant.

I was six when I went
on my first "safrari."

"Frasari."

Wild-animal hunt.

And I was ten
when I bagged my first tiger.

But I'll never forget
my lovely little pony.

When did you bag him?

You're making fun again.
You really don't like animals.

Don't trust a man
who doesn't care about animals.

And don't trust an animal
who doesn't care about people.

Why you don't like people?

I like people.

That's supposed to be me
who doesn't...

like people, right?

If you say so.

I don't say so. You say so.

- Right?
- I said so.

And another thing you did,
you didn't tell me the truth.

- About what?
- About champagne. About this.

Boy, did you fib.

You said...

Something about extremes.

It does wonders for them.

It does more than that.
It makes your lips numb.

I can't feel them.
Are they still there?

Let's have a look.

You didn't tell me about that part.

Won't do you any good.
I can't feel it.

Hoisted on your own petard.

Don't try to say that
when you haven't got any lips.

I'm plastered.

- If that's the right expression.
- That's the right expression.

You're a fraud and a liar.

And you think you are going
to take advantage of me.

No. You think I am.

I know you are.
That's the plan, isn't it?

Feed me champagne...

break down the inhibitions...

and tallyho.

No more virgin queen.

We're all out of champagne.

- I'll get another bottle.
- No!

I prefer to remain conscious

so I may view
the attempted seduction first-hand.

Because you've got
a surprise coming, Charlie.

I got friends in low places.

You make one pass at me,
and I'll sic him on you.

Understand?

If he moves a muscle,
attack without mercy.

You see, Charlie?

You're outnumbered,
two against one.

And I don't care if you can juggle.

- What?
- I didn't say anything.

Cat got your tongue?

Got his tongue?
My friend says he hasn't got it.

Then why don't you
say something?

I couldn't think
of anything to say.

Why don't you kiss me again?

All right.

You know what, Charlie?
I could feel that one.

Again.

If I were my father,
I'd have you tortured.

No. If you were your father,

I doubt very much
if I would have kissed you.

Good thinking, Charlie.

Then, now that we've
straightened out who I am,

what are you
going to do about it?

What kind of a friend are you?
You were supposed to attack.

No friends, Charlie.
Now you got me outnumbered.

I thought we were friends.

You are the juggler.
I am the virgin queen.

Somebody's got to win.

Friends don't act like that.

Want to be friends, Charlie,
or want to win?

You really want to know?

What's wrong?

I don't feel...
I think I'm going...

Good-bye, Charlie.

Here...

Darling. Dala.

Ma'am? Your Highness!

Thank you. Up.

There we are.

Hello, Uncle Charles.

George!

Good morning.
Listen, what about this nephew?

- How did you find out?
- I met him in the bar last night.

That's what I was trying
to explain at the window.

What happened to you?

Jacques dragged me
back to the hotel.

- I looked everywhere for you.
- I looked everywhere for you.

I nearly climbed in bed
with your nephew.

- You what?
- Don't worry. I took care of it.

He had a heavy night.

I almost put the princess
in bed with him.

- Really?
- What you got there?

A note to Uncle Charles.

"Dear Uncle Charles,
don't worry about a thing.

I've gone to see the princess
to apologize for last night."

Apologize for what?
Nothing happened.

It must have been
rather embarrassing,

expecting to end up
with one man...

She didn't expect
to wind up with anybody.

She had a couple glasses
of champagne and had to rest.

Of course.

Think of him
taking over my room.

- Didn't you know he was coming?
- No. I haven't seen him for years.

But who is he? What is he?

He is my nephew, really.

He's my late brother's son.

I've been responsible for him
since he was ten years old.

I sent him to all
the best schools in America.

He did very well,
as a matter of fact.

He's just graduated
from college. Look.

Isn't he a bit old for school?

He did two years in the army.

He lost a whole year after that
to some strange tropical disease.

He's certainly attractive.

There's a slight
family resemblance.

Apart from that,
we have nothing in common.

He's dedicated to education,
passed at the top of his class.

Cares nothing about sports.

In his letters, he's never
once mentioned girls.

He may not mention them, but he's got
a pretty good idea what they are.

I nearly didn't
get out of here last night.

You're joking.

It was a relief to get back
to Jacques and his fiddle.

If we don't do something soon,
he's gonna ruin everything.

- If I don't do something.
- It shouldn't be too difficult.

He's just a young man
who's not been out in the world.

That's because he's been
spending his time in the bedroom.

- I'm surprised at you.
- I can handle it.

As a matter of fact,
it might be rather intriguing,

particularly if the family resemblance
goes deeper than you think.

I'm envious.

It seems that we're somewhat
in the same spot, my love.

You envy George,
and I envy the princess.

I really don't know
what I'm going to do yet.

I might go back to college
and get my doctorate.

But I'm torn.

I feel there's so many things
to be done in the world,

so many backward countries
where I might be useful.

I've even been considering
the Peace Corps.

You're certainly not
much like your uncle.

I don't know
too much about my uncle,

except what I've read
in newspapers and magazines.

- One mustn't judge by that.
- No?

After all, whatever I am today,
he made it possible.

I guess everyone has
at least one redeeming quality.

Yes.

Good morning, Your Highness.
Hair of the dog.

- May I present Madame Clouseau?
- Good morning.

This is my
Americanized nephew George.

We met at the bar last night.

- How is your cough?
- It's completely gone. Thanks.

Have a glass of this.

It'll put everything
in its right perspective.

My perspective
is excellent this morning.

I see your leg is much better.

It's a vast improvement.
Very much better.

George and I had a wonderful
family reunion last night

after we carried you home.

- He's quite a lad.
- So I've discovered.

He's thinking of joining
the Peace Corps.

Imagine a Litton
in the Peace Corps.

Be careful, or you'll give
your family a good name.

- Please sit down.
- No, thank you.

I was on my way to ski
when I ran into Sir Charles.

- Do you ski, Mr. Litton?
- Ski?

- No, not very well.
- You should learn, George.

If it wasn't for this ropy leg,
I'd take you myself.

I'm hardly in your uncle's class,

but I'd be happy to give you
the benefit of my experience.

I'm sure Madame
is an excellent teacher.

Certainly she could
get you started out right.

If it wouldn't be
too much trouble, yeah.

Not at all.
It would be a pleasure.

Perhaps you'd like
to come along now.

George, you can't pass up
an invitation like that.

I haven't got the proper clothes,
and I don't have any skis.

The shop will fix you up.
Just charge everything to me.

Thanks. Your Highness,
hope to see you again.

If you're back early.
I'm leaving on the afternoon train.

- Have a nice trip.
- Thank you.

- Thanks, Uncle Charles.
- Have fun.

Mind the instructor.
She knows what she's doing.

I'm sure she does.

- You're not staying?
- No. We're off to the slopes.

I'll get the door.
So long, Uncle Charles.

- Have fun.
- Thanks.

Just in time. Thank you.
You sure you won't join me?

Quite sure.

Do you have to
leave this afternoon?

Yes.

Isn't this departure
rather sudden?

Not at all. Why do you think so?

I just thought that
after last night...

My leaving has nothing
to do with last night.

- Hasn't it?
- You don't know me very well.

No, but I thought last night,
I was making some progress.

That was champagne,
nothing more.

Whatever it was,
it was very interesting.

- I really don't remember.
- That's an awful old cliche.

- It's true.
- The majority of women,

they have half a glass too much
and let down the barriers a little,

and they wake up in the morning
riddled with guilt

and think they can reclaim their virtue
by saying, "I don't remember."

Are you saying my virtue
is not intact?

- You know it is.
- Then why should I feel guilty?

You're not concerned
about what happened.

You're worried about
what might have happened.

That makes you vulnerable.
That makes you a woman.

You're an arrogant fool.

Perhaps I am,
but after what I just said,

a real woman
would have slapped my face.

I'm glad that's over.
Friends again?

Friends.

Good. Now the least you can do
is let me take you to the station.

- All right.
- You really have to go?

- Yes, I must go.
- That's too bad.

- Nothing I can say to make you stay?
- Nothing.

- What time do you have to be there?
- 3:00.

3:00 on the dot,
I'll be here, Your Highness.

3:00.

Do we have to start
the lessons right away?

That's what we're up here for,
is it not?

I was hoping we could talk
about last night.

- We can talk about that later.
- You were more fun in bed.

Would you do me a favour,
Mr. Litton?

Sure, if you call me George.

Forget about last night.
I was impetuous.

I had too much to drink
and I'd just had a fight with my husband.

It might be easier
for you to forget,

but I didn't sleep a wink
after you left.

It was a very frustrating experience.

I'm afraid that's your problem,
but I wouldn't make any plans.

I never make any plans.

I just sort of follow my instincts.

George, it's four miles
down the mountain,

and I'm a very good skier.

You follow your instincts
too closely,

and you're liable
to break your neck.

The first things to learn about
skiing are the fundamentals.

Let's see you turn around.

It's not as easy as it looks.
Let me give you a hand.

Let's try something easier.
It's a lot easier, honest.

You were going
to watch those instincts.

I'm busy. You watch them.

You're abominable.

Yeah, that's me,
the Abominable Snowman.

George, stop it!

Imbecile!

Perhaps we'll meet again.

- Good-bye, Sir Charles.
- Just a minute.

- That's him. There he goes.
- Who?

The man who stole your dog,
in that little car.

- How's it going?
- Fine. I'm going to miss her.

Let that be a lesson.
Never get involved with your victims.

- Shall we get out in the open?
- No. It's a bit hard here.

That's good. That's okay.
Right, start. Give it to me now.

- How close are they?
- Now.

- Sorry. Ready?
- Right.

Come along, little doggy.
Here we are.

Look out!

She's got the dog.
I will see you later.

You have a wonderful smile.

I have a great deal
to smile about.

I have Amber back,
and I'm having a wonderful time.

You missed your train.

There's one at midnight
and one in the morning.

Perhaps I should have
your dog kidnapped again.

Then you'd be bound to stay.

Did you arrange to have her
kidnapped the first time?

Of course.

I am willing
to bet you 10,000 francs

that the Phantom is in Cortina
at this very moment,

even perhaps in this very room.

How exciting.
What do you think, Mr. Tucker?

I agree with the inspector.

Ten of his last fifteen victims have been
guests at Angela Dunning's parties.

What are you all talking about?

- The notorious Phantom.
- I've never heard of him.

What little I've read about him,
he seems to be quite a fellow.

There are few thieves who are
as clever as the Phantom.

Each theft is completely
different and unique,

classic in its conception.

I thought you were working on
the theory that he does repeat himself.

Only as far as Angela Dunning's
parties are concerned.

However, there is
one other duplication,

but that is his trademark,
his calling card, so to speak.

He always leaves
a white monogrammed glove.

Sounds terribly theatrical.

If I were the Phantom,
I'd have chosen my victim already.

Really? And who would that be?

Who has the most
fabulous diamond in the world?

- I suppose I do.
- Exactly. The Pink Panther.

A prize he could never resist.
He would be bound to try for it.

He'd be disappointed.

The Pink Panther
is in my safe at...

Your Highness, please.
Don't say it, not here.

If I'm not being too nosy,
Your Highness,

I read somewhere
there was some dispute

over the ownership
of the Pink Panther.

It belongs to me.
It was a gift from my late father.

- I shall never surrender it.
- Why should you?

When the present government
seized power,

they claimed the diamond
was the property of the people.

There's even talk
of the International Court

deciding the issue.

Why don't I steal the diamond
and leave that old glove behind?

You and I
could split the insurance.

All right.

I feel like dancing.

- Your Highness?
- I'd love to.

- How about you, Madame?
- Yes, of course.

- Your leg is better, Sir Charles.
- What?

- I say, your leg is better.
- Yes, much better. Thank you.

You know, Mr. Tucker...

- It's my beer, old man.
- My hand. It burnt...

I'm sorry.

Sit down.

Seems to be working out
better than we expected.

The only thing we've found out
is that it's not here.

You shouldn't have any trouble
discovering exactly where it is.

Her Highness seems
to be completely captivated.

I'd say that's
a considerable exaggeration.

You're either showing
a touch of senility,

Or you need glasses, my love.

When I'm showing
my senility, darling,

you'll be occupying your time
with your grandchildren.

One has to have children
before one has grandchildren.

You wouldn't dare.

Jacques would make
a wonderful father.

- He has many redeeming qualities.
- Name one.

He's kind, loyal,
faithful, obedient.

You're either married
to a Boy Scout or a Dachshund.

And he adores me.

That eliminates the Boy Scouts.

- Good night.
- Thank you.

You seem to have lost something.

- How'd you like to borrow mine?
- Thanks, Uncle Charles, yes.

Madame.

- You've been avoiding me.
- That about describes it.

You know what
I've been thinking?

Yes. That's why
I've been avoiding you.

I don't think you were really
looking for me that night

in my uncle's bedroom.

- Don't be ridiculous.
- No, I mean it.

Not the way
you treated me today.

- You know what I think?
- What?

What do you think, George?

I think maybe I was wrong.

I'm sorry I have to leave,

but I must make
a very important phone call.

- Can't it wait?
- I'm afraid not.

Good night.

That's better.

Just a quick shower, my love,
and I will be right with you.

One moment, please.

Inspector Clouseau.

Inspector Clouseau,
this is the prefect of police.

I have information
regarding the Phantom.

- The Phantom?
- Yes. You must come at once.

I'm in Brunico.

Brunico? But that's in Brunico.
That's 30 miles from here.

It is here that I have
discovered the information.

Come immediately.

I cannot say more.
I am being watched.

Yes. I understand, yes.

I'm sorry, my darling.
Important police business.

I will be back with you
as soon as possible.

I understand, my love.

- My darling.
- Yes?

I am a husband that must be
envied by all other husbands.

I'm sure no one
ever had a husband like you.

My darling.

My darling, don't move.
Don't panic.

All that has happened
is that my hat has caught

in one of your naughty
little hairpins.

Voilà.

You know, at times like this
I wish I was but a simple peasant.

It's times like this that make me
realize how lucky I really am.

He's gone to Brunico.
Another call about the Phantom.

There's something going on.

I don't quite know what it is,
but there's something wrong.

Do you want to call it off?

I don't know.
I'm considering it.

Have you considered
something else?

What's that?

The possibility that
you're growing a conscience.

- A conscience? About what?
- The princess.

- You're being ridiculous.
- No, I'm just being a woman.

This time you've chosen
a fascinating victim.

I suspect you've broken
the first rule

and allowed yourself
to become involved.

You're being a woman, all right.

That's obvious. Competition
always makes a woman obvious.

- Who is it?
- Bellboy.

Wait a minute.

- What is it?
- Flowers.

- George!
- Trick or treat.

- Wait a minute.
- I found these growing in the hall.

You get right out of here.

What kind of hospitality is that?

But my husband
could be back any minute.

He must be about
halfway to Brunico by now.

"You must come to Brunico
immediately, Inspector.

"I have information
regarding the Phantom.

While you're in Brunico,
waiting for the prefect of police..."

Thank you very much.

"I shall be investigating your wife."

One never knows, huh?

Perhaps the Phantom
is hiding under the bed.

That's more like it.

- You should be ashamed.
- I'm planning on it.

Suppose Jacques
doesn't go to Brunico?

Suppose he finds out
the prefect never called?

You must get out of here.

You are the damnedest woman.
Are you a sexual yo-yo?

You jump in my bed,
you push me off a mountain,

then you practically seduce me
on the dance floor.

You're terribly attractive,
and I'm naturally...

- But not here.
- Where?

I don't know, but not tonight.

You know what your trouble is?
You can't make up your mind.

- I am married.
- Where's your husband?

Out in 12 feet of snow,
chasing the Phantom.

- That was your idea.
- Sure it was.

If he was any kind of a man,
he wouldn't have gone.

- Darling.
- "Darling"?

It's locked.

There you are.
Halfway to Brunico, huh?

Angel?

- What do I do?
- Answer the door.

- Simone?
- Yes, dear?

- But I thought you were on...
- That phone call was a ruse.

Are you hurt, my darling?

I don't recall that being there.

No, it was sent a while ago.
I thought it was from you.

No, it certainly was not from me.

Some very strange things
going on here.

I passed the prefect on the road.

- He never made that call.
- No?

There was no card with these?

Why should anybody want me
to go to Brunico?

My darling.

I'm so sorry.
I was trying to kiss your foot.

- Let me kiss your face.
- It's all right.

Darling, I'm sorry. Come here.

That's nice and comfy.
You belong in bed there.

- My darling.
- Listen, dear.

Why don't we go down to the bar
and have a nightcap?

Darling, listen,
why don't I have a nice bath?

And afterwards,
we have our lovely, warm bed.

Don't worry about this mess.
We can have it cleaned up later.

We don't want
any more interruptions.

Would you mind if I bathed first?

Did you not bathe earlier?

Yes, but it would warm me up,
help me to relax.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

Like we did in the old days,
when you're in there,

I will come in
and scrub your back for you.

You're so romantic,
but I'll only be a moment.

- Darling?
- Yes?

- Hello, my darling.
- Hello, my darling.

- Why did you draw the curtains?
- Just to keep me warm.

Warm? Warm is one thing.
It must be hell in there.

No, it's wonderful.

Why don't you let me
wash your back for you?

It's already done, my darling.

As I told you before,
I just want to relax.

We must have no secrets
from one another, my darling.

I know, my darling.

I will brush my teeth
and keep you company.

That's sweet of you, my darling.

I thought you would like to know
Princess Dala just checked out.

Thank you very much.

Darling, you got rid of all
those naughty little bubbles?

- I beg your pardon?
- You got rid of the little bubbles?

Yes, I did.

Hey, come...

Come out quick.

- Who is it?
- Bellboy.

One minute.

- Inspector's violin, ma'am.
- Thank you.

- Madame, the flowers.
- It's nothing. It doesn't matter.

If they found out downstairs,
I'd lose my job.

- Do it in the morning.
- I'll ring for the maid.

- Darling?
- Yes, dear?

How would you like to
wash my back?

I'd love to, but you see...

I have to... I mean... I'm cold.

Get the broom.

Come on. Hurry up. Go.

Shan't be a moment, my darling.
I'll just put on my pyjamas.

Darling, look. I think I've got
something in my right eye.

- Let me put you in the...
- My left one. No, this one.

- If you'd come in the light...
- It hurts!

- Stand still. I can't see it.
- It hurts. I cannot open it.

Stand in the light a moment.

- Where?
- Here.

There's absolutely nothing
in your eye.

Nothing? Are you sure?

Only your eye.
That is all that is there.

- What are you doing?
- It broke off.

Put it back. We have no time.
He's coming back.

Get under the bed.
Come on. Quick.

Come on.

Why aren't you in bed,
my darling?

I was... I mean...

I mean, I'm just going to.

I'm cold.

- My Stradivarius.
- The porter just brought it in.

I sent it to the village
to be repaired.

I hope they know how
to fix plastic.

I hope so, too.

So far, so good.

We shall see.

Better than ever.

Dear, I doubt if we shall
need it tonight, my love.

I'm sure we won't, darling.

What is it?

It's very strange.

Why don't you come to bed?

You know,
I don't understand this.

You see...

These footprints...

They were made by shoes...

and they were not
made by feet.

I'll just get up
and turn off the lights.

At last. At last.

Darling, my little...

Darling, what's the matter,
my darling?

It's very strange, my love,
but suddenly I'm freezing cold.

- You're freezing cold?
- The window is open.

The window's open.

Sometimes it's healthy
to have fresh air.

Healthy is one thing,
but it's hell in here, my love.

Ten below zero outside,
my darling.

That's better.

- There, my darling.
- Yes.

At last!

- Yes?
- I just arrived in town.

No trouble with the police yet.

The princess is expecting
important visitors here tomorrow.

- She say anything about leaving?
- Who is this?

- Yes?
- Princess Dala, please.

Her Highness checked out
a short while ago.

Uncle Charles.

What did you say?

I said he could come
as one of the Borgias.

Then he wouldn't have
to explain his cousin.

What's a Borgia?

Good evening.

I mean...

I enjoy champagne in bed
as much as the next man,

but from now on, perhaps
a more practical approach?

I'm sorry, my darling.
I wanted to surprise you.

- It's been a night of surprises.
- You can say that again.

It's been...

Anyway...

- My love?
- Yes?

Shall I say you're not here?

No, it's all right, darling.
I'll answer it.

- Yes!
- Tucker here, Inspector.

The man who kidnapped
the dog was driving a rented car.

He's been identified
as a man named Artoff.

London informs us
that a man of his description

is at present employed
by Sir Charles Litton.

I see. Come up immediately.

Sir Charles!

He's the Phantom!
I've really got him this time.

Sir Charles? Open that door.

I know you're in there.

Open up. This is the police.

- Stand back while I fire.
- No, don't do that, old man.

- Jacques knows.
- And somebody else.

George has got
my do-it-yourself Phantom kit.

I've got to get out of here.

- His clothes are still here.
- Perhaps he's already escaped.

Most unlikely. He doesn't realize
that I am onto him.

Listen, old man.

We've no proof that Artoff was
the man driving the Innocent.

Sir Charles is our man.
My every instinct tells me so.

Careful, you fool.
You realize this gun is loaded?

What I must do now is get dressed
and search the rest of the hotel.

- Did you find him?
- No, but he can't be far.

I must dress quickly and get...

- It's gone.
- What's gone?

My coat!

My Sûreté-Scotland-Yard-type
Macintosh! It's gone!

Good evening, Inspector.

- What is it, Saloud?
- Inspector Clouseau.

Your Highness,
please excuse this interruption.

I have news of great importance.

This is Mr. Tucker
of Lloyd's of London.

And we have met before.

I've met her, too, you know.

Yes, I know, but we are
meeting her again now.

What is this news?

I have discovered
the identity of the Phantom.

- You don't say.
- I do say.

- Of course, we're not positive.
- I am positive.

He is, I believe, at this
very moment here in Rome.

- Really?
- Yes.

Have you seen or heard
from Sir Charles Litton?

Not since I left Cortina. Why?

Sir Charles and the Phantom
are one and the same.

- You're not serious.
- I am serious.

I can understand
how difficult it is

for Your Highness
to accept the facts.

Sir Charles is a very persuasive
and attractive man.

He is also Sir Charles Litton,

a man of considerable influence
and reputation.

She's got quite a point there.

He is a fraud,
and I shall prove it.

Meanwhile,
I would like your permission

to surround the house
with armed guards.

- I take it the gem is in the villa.
- It is.

As you know, I'm having
a rather large party this evening.

Your guests will be caused
no embarrassment whatsoever.

They will not be aware my men
are present in their disguises.

In that case,
you have my permission.

Thank you.

Your Highness, mark my words,

if Sir Charles is foolish enough

to attempt to steal
your diamond tonight,

you will be witness to the capture
of the notorious Phantom.

Gentlemen.

The plans will
have to be changed.

No.

We have to make sure
Sir Charles doesn't steal the jewel.

- Hello.
- Hello, Tucker.

- Like a drink?
- No, thank you.

I never drink while on duty.
You should know that. Never.

- Well, cheers.
- Cheers.

- Warm.
- Yes, it must be hell in there.

Bet it's not so good in there.

- Anything suspicious?
- No, nothing to worry about.

My men are everywhere,
mingling here, mingling there.

Watching all the time, watching.

How dare you drink
whilst you're on duty?

Who is inside there?

- Sergeant Walter!
- Sergeant Quinn.

Any more behaviour like this,
and I'll have your stripes.

Now get out of here
and start mingling again.

Quite funny that,
zebra and the stripes.

- Yes, very good, very good.
- Not bad, not bad.

I think I'll mingle.

Right.

Didn't I tell you I'd make this
the biggest social success of the year?

Certainly you did.

The only thing that worries me is,
what do we do for your next one?

- How can I possibly top this?
- You'll think of something.

- Excuse me.
- Of course, love. Have a ball!

Hello, you!

May I see
your invitation, please?

All right.

Wasn't there another gorilla
in a Rolls-Royce?

Yes, probably a rich uncle.

You see, gentlemen?
Perfectly safe.

One cannot be too careful.

This party...
All your guests wearing masks.

It was possible the Phantom
had already done his work.

Without an invitation,

how could Sir Charles
get past your guards?

Where the Phantom
is concerned, Your Highness...

What's wrong?

What are you doing?

The question is,
what are you doing?

- I protest!
- Remove your head at once!

Tucker, remove his head.

- It's our ambassador.
- Ambassador?

My apologies, Lord Cravenwood.

The inspector was only acting
with the best of motives.

Your Highness.

Lord Cravenwood,
what would your wife think?

- What's he got that I haven't got?
- George!

- In the flesh.
- What are you doing here?

- Tarzan let me use the car.
- I've got to talk to you.

You've got to get out of here.

Darling...

Lord Cravenwood, I'm terribly
sorry about what happened.

I was discussing important things
with Her Highness.

When I discovered you
outside the library door,

I thought...

- The ambassador.
- Yes, I know.

Darling, you haven't danced
with me all evening, my angel.

- I'm sorry, my darling.
- That's all for now.

Pardon me! I'm lost.

I must have gotten off
the main road.

I'm on my way to Frascati.

Go down the road a half mile.
You'll see a sign.

Turn right. It'll take you
right to the highway.

Excuse me, but I've got to
talk to Lord Cravenwood.

It's extremely important.

That's okay.
He's making me itch, anyway.

Fine.

Listen to me. I know what
you're up to, and it won't work.

- You'll ruin everything.
- Excuse me, Your Excellency.

May I cut in?
Thank you so much, sir.

Are you having a good time?

- Yes, extremely good time.
- Good.

Fine party, Angela darling.

Wait till you see
the fireworks at midnight.

Hello, old boy.
May I have this dance?

I never learned to dance.
I simply got natural rhythm.

You're quite right.

By Jove, that looked...
It is! It's Sir Charles!

Tucker!

- Inspector!
- Tucker!

Inspector!

Take your filthy hands
off my asp.

- Charles?
- Where's the safe?

In the library.
George is robbing it.

- Which way?
- Come on.

- But it's not midnight yet.
- They turned the lights out.

Her Highness must have
changed her mind.

All right.

Be careful. I can't see a thing.

Tucker? Where are you?

Watch where you're going!

It's hell in here.

A candle!

- Hey, got a match?
- Yes, sir.

Quick, quick.

What kind of a candle is this?

In there.
George is in the gorilla suit.

- Gorilla?
- Good luck.

Rule, Britannia.

Britannia, rule the waves.

Britons never, never, never
shall be slaves.

Rule, Britannia.

Britannia, rule the waves...
I say!

Inspector! Inspector!

Inspector, Sir Charles is here.

- George?
- Uncle Charles?

- Have you got it?
- No. Haven't you?

No. The safe's empty.

What's that?

Someone's been highly dishonest.

Follow me, men.

You idiots!
They're getting away from us!

Help me to my feet, someone.
Mr. Tucker!

After them! Come on, Tucker!

Come back! It's me!

Come on now! Faster! Faster!

What's the matter with you?
Can't you drive this thing faster?

Tucker, you're wrong.
Come on! Quick!

I tell you, this is the road
they've gone up.

Don't argue with me!
I know where they've gone.

George, any idea
how we get out of here?

I don't know.
I've been all over.

I've been up this street,
that one.

- How we gonna get out of here?
- Why don't you try the high road?

I'll take the high road.
You take the low road.

- So long, Uncle Charles.
- Ciao, George.

Who taught you
to drive this thing?

- I see them! That's them!
- No, it isn't!

Then when I was
thrown out of college,

I made up my mind.

I decided to live a little.

I knew if I continued
my academic endeavours,

I could depend upon
that check of yours every month.

You know what I did?

I took a plush
Hollywood apartment,

surrounded myself with all of
the advantages of a wealthy bachelor.

Then I sent you glowing reports
of a brilliant academic career.

I suppose a certain
amount of dishonesty

is bound to beget
a certain amount of dishonesty.

But, Inspector...

Come on, please.
I have not much time.

Better be right this time.

- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Good morning, Inspector.

Everything all sharp and shiny?

The trial is all set
for tomorrow morning.

- Shouldn't take too long.
- That sounds encouraging.

Yes, it's encouraging for me,
but bad for you.

Have some coffee, Inspector.

You could save yourself
a lot of trouble

if you would tell me
where the jewel is.

Tuck into some of that porridge.
Guaranteed good for sleuthing.

- You refuse to cooperate?
- We've offered porridge and coffee.

It's all that's left.

I'm glad you're enjoying yourselves

because you're going to be here
for the next 20 years...

Madame Clouseau.

- Your Highness.
- Madame.

Won't you sit down?

I'll be brief and to the point.

My husband feels
he has enough evidence

to prove that Sir Charles
is the Phantom

and to convict George
as his accomplice.

As I see it,
they only have one chance.

What is that?

If Your Highness were
to testify on their behalf,

somehow convince the jury
they didn't take the diamond.

- You surprise me, Madame.
- I expect to.

I'm taking the chance you will keep what
I tell you in the strictest confidence.

- I think I can guess.
- It's not too difficult.

Being the wife
of Inspector Clouseau,

you could have been
very helpful to Charles.

I have been.

Was stealing my dog
all part of the plan?

That was the plan.

But I think you should know
that Charles wanted to call it off.

You've had it all the time.

You stole the jewel yourself

before the International Court
made its decision.

I'd sacrifice it to save Charles,
but it's not so simple.

Couldn't you say you found it
on the grounds or something?

They'd just claim he dropped it
making his escape.

No, to save Charles, we must prove
that someone else stole it.

But we'd never
be able to do that.

I have an idea.

The trial is in its third day.

Seldom in the history
of Italian jurisprudence

has a trial created
such intense excitement.

Thousands of people...

and it is interesting to note,
most of them women...

have gathered daily
hoping to catch a glimpse

of Sir Charles Litton,

the man accused of being
the notorious Phantom.

The court adjourned yesterday
as the defence requested time

to investigate certain
new, important evidence.

And it is rumoured that when
the court convenes today,

the defence will call
a surprise witness.

The defence has only
one witness, Mr. President.

Would you call Inspector
Jacques Clouseau to the stand?

Me, a defence witness?

Inspector Clouseau?

Nothing to worry about.
You'll make fools out of them.

Inspector Clouseau,
you have testified under oath

to certain pertinent facts
concerning this case.

Your testimony
and your testimony alone

has been the major factor
in casting suspicion on the defendant.

Aside from the Phantom himself,

you are the foremost authority
on the Phantom.

I have made
the Phantom my life's work.

You've testified the Phantom
has been a frequent guest

at the numerous parties
given by Miss Angela Dunning.

That is correct, yes.

You've testified it was either during
or sometime soon afterwards

that certain of Miss Dunning's guests
were robbed of their jewels.

Yes.

- How many times did this happen?
- Sixteen.

- Sixteen parties, sixteen thefts?
- Yes.

- Sir Charles attended all sixteen?
- All of them.

And how many of those parties
did you attend, Inspector?

All of them.

Very interesting.

You attended the first party
when the jewels were stolen?

Yes.

The jewels were stolen
during or after the party?

After.

You knew they were
going to be stolen?

- Well, yes.
- How did you know?

That is the modus operandi
of the Phantom.

He always works that way.

I see.

Were the same people
always present at each party?

No, the guest lists varied.

Outside of Sir Charles,

was anybody else always present
at each of these parties?

No.

Only Sir Charles was present at
each party when there was a robbery?

- Yes.
- I see.

- And what about you?
- Me?

- Yes, you.
- What about me?

- You were there.
- Yes.

Then Sir Charles was not
the only one present at each party.

What are you suggesting?

I'm not suggesting
anything... yet.

Inspector Clouseau?

How much money do you make?

- What has this got to do with it?
- Your salary...

How much does
a police inspector get paid?

Enough to buy a wife
a $10,000 mink coat?

No, of course not.

You're aware your wife spent $7,000
at Yves St. Laurent only last month?

What?

- Two months before that, $4,000.
- That's impossible.

Your wife spent at least $30,000
on clothes during the past year.

Sir, my wife is very frugal.

She saves out of
the housekeeping money.

$30,000 out of
the housekeeping money.

We have been
married for ten years.

About the time that
these robberies began

and the notorious Phantom
came into existence, correct?

Yes! No, not correct!

Of course, not correct.
Of course...

All right, wait. You see...

- It's not Sir Charles!
- He must be the Phantom!

It must be the inspector.

He's the Phantom!

Now...

No, I'm not the Phantom!
No, please! Please!

- Thank you, darling.
- Thank the princess.

- Look at that.
- No, no! I'm not the Phantom!

No, no, no! I'm not the Phantom!

We can't just let him
rot in prison.

It takes years
for people to rot.

Besides, when the Phantom
strikes again,

the inspector will be
as free as a bird.

Want to come to South America,
George? Family rates?

- I wouldn't miss it, Uncle Charles.
- That's good.

When I retire, you might
take over the business.

Go back! Go home!

Crazy woman.

She's the one who tried
to tear off all his clothes.

- My wife.
- Wife?

You can thank my mother
for the flowers.

You're a national hero.
I envy you.

I'm going to prison.

A few years,
but after you get out...

Tell me, Inspector...

Signor Phantom...

All those robberies...

How did you ever manage it?

You know...

It wasn't easy.