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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,034 --> 00:00:03,264 I can't even stand the thought of a chicken in a cage. 2 00:00:03,370 --> 00:00:05,565 - I can't either. - Like, heartbreak. 3 00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:07,003 I'm obsessed with almond butter. 4 00:00:07,107 --> 00:00:08,107 Have you tried it? 5 00:00:08,208 --> 00:00:10,472 - It's so much better for you. - Oh, God, yeah. 6 00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:13,307 Like, I didn't know peanuts are, like, dangerous. 7 00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:16,314 Oh, my God. That is so sad. 8 00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:18,407 Oh, my God, Look at that. 9 00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:19,829 How do you even become a stripper? 10 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,821 Oh, my God, it's like, "What happened?" 11 00:00:21,921 --> 00:00:23,650 - Something happened. - Oh, you know it. 12 00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:25,782 It's like I wish they could draw their self-worth 13 00:00:25,892 --> 00:00:27,826 from something else. 14 00:00:27,927 --> 00:00:29,792 And there's other ways to make money. 15 00:00:29,896 --> 00:00:31,363 Total... yeah. Host at a restaurant. 16 00:00:31,464 --> 00:00:32,362 I did it. 17 00:00:32,465 --> 00:00:33,989 My God, for how long? 18 00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:37,331 Oh, almost a month. Yeah, I really got in there. 19 00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:39,428 I mean, this just makes me really appreciate 20 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,006 my relationship with my dad. 21 00:00:41,107 --> 00:00:42,107 - Totally. - Yes. 22 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:44,438 Our dad, like, loved us too much. 23 00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:46,288 My dad's picking me up after our workout today 24 00:00:46,312 --> 00:00:48,371 and we're just gonna, like, walk. 25 00:00:48,481 --> 00:00:49,778 That's a nice day. 26 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,215 I just feel like, like, as women, 27 00:00:52,318 --> 00:00:54,718 just we're blessed with so much more 28 00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:56,482 than just our bodies, 29 00:00:56,589 --> 00:00:59,217 that to, like, not use that... 30 00:00:59,325 --> 00:01:02,522 Like, would you guys mind if I just stop talking for a second? 31 00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:03,639 I just feel like I might cry. 32 00:01:03,663 --> 00:01:06,461 Oh, my God, it's okay. I cried on my way here. 33 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,534 It's just, like, hard to look at that. 34 00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:10,398 Yeah, it's... it's so sad. 35 00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:12,869 - So sad. - Saddest. 36 00:01:12,972 --> 00:01:15,338 All right, bitches! Welcome to body pole punk class! 37 00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:18,743 Let's do it. Get on your poles! 38 00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:21,473 Faces down, asses up! Do it! 39 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:24,141 Whores! Whores! You're all whores! 40 00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:37,562 I feel like I never saw girls that looked like me on TV. 41 00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:39,996 The only time was in those Dove soap commercials. 42 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,177 You know what I'm talking about? 43 00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:43,431 The girls for Dove soap. Those commercials. 44 00:01:43,536 --> 00:01:48,064 They would come out in their bra and underwear on camera, right? 45 00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:51,940 And they were like my size, like size 6s, 8, 10, and, uh... 46 00:01:53,213 --> 00:01:57,616 12 at the holidays. And... 47 00:01:57,717 --> 00:01:59,844 And they would come out on camera, 48 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:03,252 just like real unsure, just like deer in headlights. 49 00:02:03,356 --> 00:02:04,755 Just like... 50 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,757 ♪ This is okay, right? ♪ 51 00:02:12,732 --> 00:02:17,066 ♪ We're cool with it if you are ♪ 52 00:02:17,170 --> 00:02:18,364 We were all watching like, 53 00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,962 "We don't know if we're cool with it." 54 00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:22,371 And the whole thing was just 55 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,136 Dove patting themselves on the back, 56 00:02:24,244 --> 00:02:28,237 like, "Can you believe how brave we are 57 00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:31,806 for putting these fucking dump trucks on television? 58 00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:36,779 Put me on the cross." 59 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:37,890 Their slogan was like, 60 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,959 "Don't bite the hand that overfeeds you." 61 00:02:40,059 --> 00:02:41,321 Okay. 62 00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:49,268 Hello? 63 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,326 Hi, Amy, you've got Dan, Allen, Isaac, 64 00:02:51,437 --> 00:02:53,803 Matt, Allie, Jen, and Russell. 65 00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,807 There she is! There's our girl. 66 00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:57,604 Ames, what's shaking? 67 00:02:57,710 --> 00:02:59,302 What'd you get into last night, girl? 68 00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:01,004 Nothing much. Just hanging out. 69 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,742 You kill me! 70 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,340 - You kill me! - What's up, guys? 71 00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:07,476 We know you've been looking to make the transition 72 00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:08,918 to doing more off-camera work. 73 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:09,920 I never said that. 74 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,685 They want you for the next big animated kids' movie. 75 00:03:12,792 --> 00:03:16,660 It's like "Charlie's Angels" but with meerkats! 76 00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:18,697 Jessica Alba and Megan Fox have already signed 77 00:03:18,798 --> 00:03:20,197 to play the other two. 78 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:22,325 - Uh, I'm in. I'm... Yeah. - Awesome! 79 00:03:22,435 --> 00:03:23,445 We'll download you on the deets 80 00:03:23,469 --> 00:03:25,349 as soon as we circle back with Tad... Allen out. 81 00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:26,715 - Do what with what? - Hanging up. 82 00:03:26,739 --> 00:03:29,367 Hello? 83 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,046 Bing! 84 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:39,551 Welcome, Amy. 85 00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:41,552 Are you thirsty? Are you hungry? 86 00:03:41,654 --> 00:03:42,798 Did you find your snacks okay? 87 00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:44,380 No, I brought this tea. 88 00:03:44,490 --> 00:03:47,459 Oh, okay. Well, the snacks are here for when you need them. 89 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,255 - Okay? There's snacks. - Okay. 90 00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:56,868 Red leather, yellow leather. 91 00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,995 Hey, did Meg and Jess already do their stuff? 92 00:03:59,105 --> 00:04:00,333 All right, let's just roll it. 93 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:01,964 Page one, scene one. 94 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,872 You'll hear a beep, you'll say your lines. 95 00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,137 Okay, cool. 96 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,649 I'm pretty and nice. 97 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,694 I'm sexy, but I love math. 98 00:04:22,795 --> 00:04:23,853 Karate! 99 00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:34,899 Okay, t-that was your cue. 100 00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:36,703 Uh, we'll take it again. 101 00:04:36,809 --> 00:04:38,936 Just, when you hear the beep, just say the lines. 102 00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:39,943 That one's me? 103 00:04:40,046 --> 00:04:42,344 Yep, that's you. 104 00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:46,043 Um, why doesn't my meerkat have any pants? 105 00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:48,882 Our animation team is out of Japan, 106 00:04:48,988 --> 00:04:51,752 and they don't have anybody as big as 107 00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:53,689 Dumpy the Frumpy Meerkat over there, 108 00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,886 so they literally couldn't figure out 109 00:04:55,995 --> 00:04:57,792 how to make pants fit on you. 110 00:04:57,897 --> 00:05:00,024 They couldn't even, you know, fathom it. 111 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,413 But it's a cartoon. They can't... 112 00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:02,778 Why couldn't they just draw pants? 113 00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,046 It blew their minds. They had no idea. 114 00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:06,504 They didn't see the point. 115 00:05:07,707 --> 00:05:09,197 Worms. 116 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,903 Okay, we really need you to drop it down a bunch. 117 00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:13,035 Like a whole bunch. 118 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:16,411 It's got to be more like "Wo-o-o-rms!" 119 00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:19,610 You know, like you really love worms and you're disgusting? 120 00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:21,414 Tell you what, why don't we just have you 121 00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:23,580 do some wild feeding noises? 122 00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:25,214 Can you find your snacks? 123 00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:28,153 Mmm-mmm-mmm. 124 00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:30,005 Okay, just give me one where you eat for a little bit 125 00:05:30,029 --> 00:05:32,623 and then you stop to shit 126 00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:34,927 and then go back to eating again. 127 00:05:35,034 --> 00:05:36,729 Paging Ms. Streep! 128 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,770 I mean, you are a star. You're killing this. 129 00:05:38,871 --> 00:05:40,896 She is killing this, right? 130 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:44,340 No, no, no, I think we need to get me out of this. 131 00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:46,503 Schumes, what are we talking about here, okay? 132 00:05:46,612 --> 00:05:48,136 You are crushing this. 133 00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:51,011 My character has a pussy. 134 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,618 Have you eaten any snacks? 135 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,654 Yes, I have my snacks. 136 00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:57,232 I'm sensing you're not totally jazzed, 137 00:05:57,256 --> 00:06:01,192 but I think I have something that's gonna change your tune. 138 00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,888 Amy, meet... 139 00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:07,660 your action figure. 140 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,763 - It's shitting. - Yeah. 141 00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:19,175 The thing retails for $42.99. You get 60% of the back end. 142 00:06:19,278 --> 00:06:23,339 Wo-o-o-o-rms! 143 00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:30,183 What was your favorite cartoon growing up? 144 00:06:30,289 --> 00:06:31,654 Well, movie, "Little Mermaid." 145 00:06:31,758 --> 00:06:33,555 What character did you most connect to 146 00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:34,557 in "Little Mermaid"? 147 00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:36,184 Oh, Ariel. 148 00:06:36,295 --> 00:06:37,387 I connect most to Ursula, 149 00:06:37,497 --> 00:06:39,294 but that's something that I'm working on 150 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,129 with my therapist on the Upper West Side. 151 00:06:48,274 --> 00:06:49,400 Hey, girls. 152 00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:51,306 Janice, is that really you? 153 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,411 Uh-huh. 154 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:54,538 Wow, you look amazing. 155 00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:58,139 You must have had 75 different expensive surgeries 156 00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:01,880 over the course of many years to get a great look like that. 157 00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:06,982 Nope. I just called Dr. Ron and Cut 2 The Chase. 158 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,584 Aren't you tired of plastic surgeons 159 00:07:09,695 --> 00:07:13,153 who tell you to slow down or think about what you're doing, 160 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,700 forcing you to undergo one surgery after another 161 00:07:15,802 --> 00:07:17,497 till you get the look you want? 162 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:20,504 Who has the time or money for that? 163 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,164 At Cut 2 The Chase, we do it all 164 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,733 in just one affordable, apocalyptic procedure. 165 00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:28,177 Would you like to look like a human-cat hybrid 166 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:29,441 who eats bees? 167 00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:30,607 Of course you would. 168 00:07:30,716 --> 00:07:32,581 You have crippling body dysmorphia, 169 00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:34,550 and no one can talk sense into you. 170 00:07:34,654 --> 00:07:36,451 I used to hate people knowing 171 00:07:36,556 --> 00:07:37,614 if I was happy or sad. 172 00:07:37,723 --> 00:07:40,214 Now my face and labia look the same. 173 00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:43,056 Thanks, Dr. Ron. 174 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,869 My college-aged daughter is really cute, 175 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:53,905 and that was threatening to me. 176 00:07:54,006 --> 00:07:58,102 But now my face is the one threatening her 177 00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:00,475 and all children. 178 00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:02,275 Thanks, Dr. Ron. 179 00:08:02,381 --> 00:08:03,973 When I was a human, I hated it. 180 00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:06,051 Now I poop in sand. 181 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,244 Thanks, Dr. Ron. 182 00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:10,651 With my patented Hail Mary technique, 183 00:08:10,756 --> 00:08:13,281 I can perform five divorces worth of surgery 184 00:08:13,392 --> 00:08:16,190 in one easy procedure. 185 00:08:19,198 --> 00:08:20,198 Hmm. 186 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,394 Don't you owe it to yourself 187 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,302 to look like you fell into a tank of chemicals 188 00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:25,893 while fighting Batman? 189 00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:30,135 Come to Cut 2 The Chase and get your first and last procedure. 190 00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,505 Cut 2 The Chase. 191 00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:33,476 Because you're fucking shattered. 192 00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:38,777 Who has good plastic surgery? 193 00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:40,944 Lindsay Lohan. Like, has she had plastic surgery? 194 00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:43,078 - I don't know. - 'Cause she looks amazing. 195 00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,020 I'll always support LiLo, but like... 196 00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:46,682 I can't believe you guys call her LiLo. 197 00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:48,570 Like, I didn't even know that that was the thing. 198 00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,572 Yeah, we were actually just talking about this today. 199 00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:52,154 We think she's making a comeback. 200 00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:53,163 - Really? - Yeah. 201 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,359 Like, in what? 202 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:56,945 What celebrity do you know with plastic surgery 203 00:08:56,969 --> 00:08:58,247 that you're like, "Oh, that worked out"? 204 00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:02,207 Well, what celebrity probably doesn't have plastic surgery? 205 00:09:02,308 --> 00:09:04,353 - That's a good question. - Do you have plastic surgery? 206 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,174 I don't have any money. Are you serious? 207 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,940 I can't even get things removed. 208 00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:12,145 - Well, it's hard. - Yeah. 209 00:09:12,251 --> 00:09:13,691 That's why they call it charity work. 210 00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:14,845 Because it's work. 211 00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:15,964 It's work. It's exhausting. 212 00:09:15,988 --> 00:09:17,633 Good evening, ladies. How are you doing tonight? 213 00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:18,555 - Really awesome. - So good. 214 00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:20,785 My name is Devon. I'll be taking care of you. 215 00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:22,554 Start you off with anything to drink? 216 00:09:22,662 --> 00:09:23,822 Uh, water's fine. 217 00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:25,795 - Water's perfect. - Great. 218 00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,938 So we have a few specials in addition to the menu... 219 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,968 Listen, before the specials, 220 00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,833 I have to tell you I'm allergic to nuts. 221 00:09:32,939 --> 00:09:35,567 My meal cannot have any nuts in it. 222 00:09:35,675 --> 00:09:38,371 She's insanely allergic to nuts. 223 00:09:38,477 --> 00:09:40,069 Got it. No nuts. Not a problem. 224 00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:43,205 We accommodate allergies all the time. I'll tell the chef. 225 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:44,647 No, I'm serious. 226 00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,048 It can't have even been around nuts. 227 00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,347 Cashews, pecans... 228 00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:49,682 Pine nuts, peanuts. 229 00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:51,154 Yeah, doughnuts, cronuts. 230 00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:54,522 Almonds. Lalmonds. Dalmonds. 231 00:09:54,627 --> 00:09:57,721 I understand. So our specials are... 232 00:09:57,830 --> 00:10:01,596 Oh, actually, some of the bread might have some nuts in them. 233 00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:03,862 Oh, my God! Are you serious? 234 00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:05,280 I can't believe this is happening! 235 00:10:05,304 --> 00:10:06,328 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 236 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,703 - What is this? - Oh, my God, it's a nut! 237 00:10:08,808 --> 00:10:09,934 It's a little nut! 238 00:10:10,042 --> 00:10:12,875 What did we just say, Devon? Is this fucking "Memento"? 239 00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:14,913 Are you an F-ing goldfish, Devon? 240 00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:16,379 Are we in your fish bowl?! 241 00:10:16,482 --> 00:10:18,162 Oh, look, a little, plastic treasure chest! 242 00:10:18,217 --> 00:10:19,684 Fuck you, Devon! 243 00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:21,597 Do you know what would happen to me if I ate that? 244 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,715 Do you?! Her face will swell up! She will turn purple! 245 00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:26,086 She will lose oxygen! 246 00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:27,469 - Have you seen "Gravity"? - I did. 247 00:10:27,493 --> 00:10:28,619 Was that your favorite part, 248 00:10:28,728 --> 00:10:30,389 where they lost fucking oxygen, Devon?! 249 00:10:30,496 --> 00:10:32,396 When I die, it'll be your fault! 250 00:10:32,498 --> 00:10:34,363 You'll have to go to my mother's door 251 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:35,764 with a folded American flag 252 00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:37,392 and say, "Thank you for her service. 253 00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:39,403 I'm Devon, your daughter's killer"! 254 00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:42,030 Look, I'm really sorry about the bread. 255 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:47,340 I swear, I will make sure that your meal is nut-free. 256 00:10:48,347 --> 00:10:49,627 - Thank you so much. - Thank you. 257 00:10:49,715 --> 00:10:51,148 Okay. 258 00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:53,718 Uh, so our specials tonight... 259 00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:56,879 - I think I know what I want. - Oh, yeah, me too. 260 00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,457 - What do I want? - What do I want? 261 00:10:59,558 --> 00:11:00,320 I'll have... 262 00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:03,293 I'll have the nut... Oh! No. 263 00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:04,488 Oh, the arugula salad. 264 00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,326 I'll have the arugula salad. 265 00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:07,592 Are there nuts in that? 266 00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:08,962 No. 267 00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:12,094 But I will triple-check. 268 00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:14,566 - Nice job, Devon. - Thank you so much. 269 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,403 Thank you. 270 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,999 Aw, he's sweet. 271 00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:21,307 Two arugula salads. 272 00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:23,143 Are there any nuts in those? 273 00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:25,114 - Nope. - Great. 274 00:11:40,566 --> 00:11:41,931 No! 275 00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:51,641 - No! - What did we say?! 276 00:11:51,744 --> 00:11:52,608 We said it! 277 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,873 What did we say?! 278 00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:56,208 Everything all right here? 279 00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:58,044 No! 280 00:11:58,117 --> 00:11:59,584 No! 281 00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:11,556 Now, as we all know, gravity goes down, yes? 282 00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:12,562 But if we all focus, 283 00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:17,068 sometimes gravity can make things go up. 284 00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:21,367 Now, does anyone have a gum wrapper I could borrow? 285 00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:24,136 Oh, I do. 286 00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:25,801 Wonderful. 287 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:26,809 Thank you. 288 00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,743 He is so hot. 289 00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:31,009 Yeah, I'm not mad at that eyeliner either. 290 00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:34,211 As we all can see, this gum wrapper is a rectangle, yes? 291 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,811 Now, if I fold it one more time, 292 00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:39,482 we see it turns into a square. 293 00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,059 Now, here's the weird part. 294 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,594 If I were to unwrap this, 295 00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:48,099 the wrapper is right back to how it was. 296 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,395 Oh, my God. 297 00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:51,936 Are these even tricks? 298 00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:53,766 I'd like to use a lovely assistant. 299 00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:54,771 Does anybody... 300 00:12:54,874 --> 00:12:56,865 - Would anybody here? - Shut up! 301 00:12:56,976 --> 00:12:59,103 Already have the "lovely" part taken care of. 302 00:12:59,211 --> 00:13:00,109 No. 303 00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:01,440 - Won't be too hard. - Yeah. 304 00:13:01,547 --> 00:13:03,412 No, I-I'd love to be your assistant. 305 00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,541 Okay, here's what I want you to do. 306 00:13:05,651 --> 00:13:10,088 I want you to tell me when to stop. 307 00:13:10,189 --> 00:13:11,884 Stop. 308 00:13:11,991 --> 00:13:13,049 Stop. 309 00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:14,626 Stop. 310 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,695 Okay. 311 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:19,731 Now tap this one time. 312 00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:24,895 Okay, this is a story about a queen... 313 00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:26,096 Aw. 314 00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:29,470 Who dated a bunch of a-holes... 315 00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:30,803 It really is your story. 316 00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:34,869 Who didn't do jack for her, okay? 317 00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:36,777 Until one day, 318 00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:38,440 she found a guy who was too... 319 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,781 eight of clubs... give me that back... 320 00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:46,654 who was "2" good to be true. 321 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:49,091 She finally found her king. 322 00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:53,224 Does anybody have a pretzel? 323 00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:55,163 Oh, wait. Here's one. 324 00:13:55,267 --> 00:13:56,894 In your nose. 325 00:13:57,002 --> 00:14:00,301 Oh, wow. 326 00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:01,896 Does anyone have a balloon? 327 00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:03,235 I can't believe this. 328 00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:04,942 I never thought this would happen, but... 329 00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:06,511 What? 330 00:14:08,614 --> 00:14:10,639 I'm gonna fuck a magician. 331 00:14:20,292 --> 00:14:22,157 What? How'd you do that? 332 00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:25,492 I'm afraid that's Victoria's secret. 333 00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:26,929 Ew. 334 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,200 Put this on. 335 00:14:29,301 --> 00:14:34,295 Some people say, "No glove, no love." 336 00:14:34,406 --> 00:14:37,034 However, quantum mechanics dictates... 337 00:14:37,142 --> 00:14:39,474 Okay, can you just put it on, please? 338 00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:41,944 Amy, you make me feel like an animal. 339 00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:43,878 - Okay. That's... All right. - It's its penis. 340 00:14:43,983 --> 00:14:45,507 Enough, please. Just, can you... 341 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:48,712 Do you have an unlit match and a Canadian coin? 342 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,550 No, can you just stop with the magic? 343 00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:52,180 Like, we're naked, we're in my bed. 344 00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:53,189 Like, you did it. 345 00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:56,022 I actually can't do it tonight. 346 00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:57,026 Why? 347 00:14:57,129 --> 00:15:00,030 'Cause there's something blocking my way. 348 00:15:00,132 --> 00:15:01,394 What? 349 00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,127 Uh! 350 00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:04,668 - Oh, my God! - I don't know... 351 00:15:05,838 --> 00:15:08,136 Oh, my... Ew, ew, ew. 352 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,299 All right, enough. No more magic. 353 00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:12,843 Your wish is my command. 354 00:15:12,945 --> 00:15:14,503 That's still like a magic saying. 355 00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:15,807 Oh. 356 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,507 Man, you're pregnant! 357 00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:19,413 What? 358 00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:20,951 No, I'm not. 359 00:15:22,021 --> 00:15:25,081 Oh, my God. I can feel it kicking! 360 00:15:25,190 --> 00:15:27,283 Ew! Josh, this is cra... 361 00:15:30,696 --> 00:15:31,720 Josh? 362 00:15:34,366 --> 00:15:35,264 Magic. 363 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:38,427 ♪ He's a man of magic ♪ 364 00:15:38,537 --> 00:15:41,028 ♪ Whoo, whoo ♪ 365 00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:42,573 Would you hook up with a magician? 366 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:43,699 No. 367 00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:44,986 Have you ever seen a good magician? 368 00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,602 - Yes. - What did they do? 369 00:15:46,712 --> 00:15:49,442 Um, well, they made my mother disappear, so it was kind of... 370 00:15:49,548 --> 00:15:50,446 That sounds amazing. 371 00:15:50,549 --> 00:15:52,449 Wait, is this like a sad story about Shanghai? 372 00:15:52,551 --> 00:15:54,610 - No, no, it's not. - Oh, okay. 373 00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:06,854 So, gentlemen, you are comedians for over 20 years now 374 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:07,976 and you are my good friends. 375 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,594 And you're also the most morally bankrupt 376 00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:11,846 human beings on the planet, right? 377 00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:13,394 - Yeah. - Absolutely. 378 00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:14,983 - Yeah, that's true. - Let's talk about it. 379 00:16:15,007 --> 00:16:17,407 Oh, one second... Over 40 years, one of us. 380 00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:19,477 Oh, right. Are you Moms Mabley? 381 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:22,545 Keith, hit on me. 382 00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,240 Like, if I met you, what would you... 383 00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:25,894 What would you do if we were just like at a bar? 384 00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:27,796 - What's up, sweetie? You good? - Yeah, I'm good. 385 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,084 No, he's talking to me, Florentine. 386 00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:31,451 Talking to her! 387 00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:32,557 Okay, I don't know you. 388 00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:35,219 Yeah, there we go. How you doing? 389 00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:37,420 - I'm fine. - You fine? 390 00:16:37,529 --> 00:16:38,427 That's what I'm talking about. 391 00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:40,770 - I'm gonna call the police. - You ever date a black man? 392 00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:42,826 I actually felt scared. 393 00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,266 He's very uncouth, too. 394 00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:46,047 I remember Marina Franklin, a friend of ours, 395 00:16:46,071 --> 00:16:47,936 one time he was just saying stupid things 396 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:49,268 about where he would take her, 397 00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:50,855 to Subway or Burger King for dinner... 398 00:16:50,909 --> 00:16:51,987 When they were dating, right? 399 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,688 Yeah, and then they'd have to be in the car 400 00:16:53,712 --> 00:16:54,756 and not even getting a hotel. 401 00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:56,509 And she just said, "Who raised you?" 402 00:16:56,615 --> 00:16:57,993 I thought it was the greatest thing ever. 403 00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:58,915 "Who raised you?" 404 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,417 Well, I'm assuming just your mom. 405 00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:02,419 No, well... Oh, you... 406 00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:07,283 Oh, wait. This might be Rachel. 407 00:17:07,393 --> 00:17:09,793 We're just talking about what dirtbags these guys are. 408 00:17:09,895 --> 00:17:12,440 - Oh, they really are worthless. - They're really pieces of shit. 409 00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:15,331 In order, who would be the biggest piece of crap? In order. 410 00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:18,494 I think you would be most traumatized by fucking Norton. 411 00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:19,502 - Oh, absolutely. - Right? 412 00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:20,697 Probably. 413 00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:23,297 But I wouldn't hit on you because you're, like, a comic. 414 00:17:23,409 --> 00:17:25,120 I would never get you drunk and try to fuck you. 415 00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:28,272 But if we did have sex, you'd regret it. 416 00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,426 Have you guys gotten a good amount of pussy 417 00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:33,281 from being a comic? 418 00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:35,148 - What? - What? 419 00:17:35,254 --> 00:17:37,188 It's the only reason I get it. 420 00:17:37,289 --> 00:17:38,449 Why do you think we do this? 421 00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:40,650 You think we love the "art of comedy"? 422 00:17:40,759 --> 00:17:42,522 Then why do we do it? 423 00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,391 Amy, we've been asking the same question. 424 00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:51,130 What would you rather do... kiss, have sex, or blow? 425 00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:52,134 With Keith. 426 00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:55,365 How about "D," sit on his face and read my tweets? 427 00:17:56,508 --> 00:17:57,406 I'll take that. 428 00:17:57,509 --> 00:18:00,034 Even when Keith talks about sex, it's just stupid. 429 00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:02,739 He's always going, "I got three pumps for ya." 430 00:18:02,848 --> 00:18:05,043 I can make her do what she needs to do in three pumps. 431 00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:06,150 That's all I'm saying. 432 00:18:06,185 --> 00:18:08,653 Fall asleep? Like, literally drool on herself? 433 00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:09,754 Blow the whistle? 434 00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:13,601 What do you think we're like in bed? 435 00:18:13,625 --> 00:18:15,945 - Like, what do you think? - I think you both stink in bed. 436 00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:18,496 Who would put out first out of these two? 437 00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:19,597 Amy! 438 00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:21,359 How dare you? 439 00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:25,198 I guarantee Rachel tries to give meaningful looks during sex. 440 00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:27,534 Ew! That's disgusting. 441 00:18:27,639 --> 00:18:30,039 She does this... "Look at me, look at me. 442 00:18:30,142 --> 00:18:31,142 Oh. Bobby?" 443 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:35,110 Jim has several lines that he says works on any girl. 444 00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:38,206 I would play some crummy gig in the middle of Pennsylvania. 445 00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:40,376 White-trash girl. I'd go, "Hey, come out to my car." 446 00:18:40,486 --> 00:18:41,384 We'd sit in the car. 447 00:18:41,487 --> 00:18:43,614 I would just go, "Look, do you mind if I masturbate 448 00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:44,722 while we kiss?" 449 00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:47,102 I'd go, "I got a long ride home. You don't have to touch it." 450 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:50,391 Nine out of ten times, within one minute, 451 00:18:50,496 --> 00:18:52,040 they had their hand or their mouth on it. 452 00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:55,261 What woman gets jealous when they see a guy masturbating? 453 00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,858 It's not like we're like, "Wait, there can be dick?" 454 00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,938 That's not like an exciting prospect. 455 00:19:00,038 --> 00:19:01,767 We all know the dick is available. 456 00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:03,136 We know there will be dick. 457 00:19:03,242 --> 00:19:06,769 The psychology behind it is that you... Like, we like vagina. 458 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,223 If you took your boob out or your vagina, 459 00:19:08,247 --> 00:19:09,624 we'd be like, "Oh, my God, we love that." 460 00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:11,548 - Thank you, thank you. - You're welcome. 461 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:15,245 If you see a penis, you like that, too. 462 00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:17,652 You're wrong. You're wrong. 463 00:19:17,756 --> 00:19:19,553 When you see a penis, you don't go, 464 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,058 "Wow, I want to put it in my mouth?" 465 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,160 - No. - No. 466 00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:23,558 Really? 467 00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:26,392 That's why a dick pic is not exciting to a woman. 468 00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,830 - No woman wants a dick pic. - That's wrong. 469 00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:30,765 No, they're lying to you. 470 00:19:30,869 --> 00:19:32,234 No. No. 471 00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:34,771 No, the women he's talking about have penises too. 472 00:19:34,873 --> 00:19:38,775 So they're actually exchanging dick pics. 473 00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:41,437 - They're comparing. - Oh, if only I could deny it. 474 00:19:45,884 --> 00:19:49,012 I'm trying to date guys that are not comedians, 475 00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:50,019 which is so hard. 476 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:51,833 I was hooking up with this guy the other day... 477 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,202 Well, is it hooking up if you're just pushing their head down 478 00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:55,746 like you're trying to set off dynamite? 479 00:19:55,794 --> 00:19:58,126 But... 480 00:19:58,230 --> 00:19:59,857 "Git!" Uh... 481 00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:04,163 So I was out with this civilian and... 482 00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:06,328 And he was like talking to me like I was a girl. 483 00:20:06,438 --> 00:20:07,715 But he was trying to use a line on me. 484 00:20:07,739 --> 00:20:11,505 He's like, "Damn, girl, those eyes." 485 00:20:11,610 --> 00:20:14,841 And I was like, "No." 486 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:16,938 He's like, "What?" I'm like, "Eh." 487 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,049 Like, I'm 32. 488 00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:19,777 If my eyes were a thing, 489 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:23,218 I would have heard about it by now, you know? 490 00:20:23,322 --> 00:20:25,051 And I'm like, "What are you going for? 491 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,886 Like, I'm gonna fuck you. You showed up. 492 00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:28,653 That was half the battle." 493 00:20:31,263 --> 00:20:33,026 This is a magical story... 494 00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:38,236 You all know that age-old story of the... 495 00:20:39,504 --> 00:20:42,064 Just relax. 496 00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,300 Okay? 497 00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:45,968 In your nose. 498 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,739 In your nose. 499 00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:49,973 But maybe it's not. 500 00:20:52,618 --> 00:20:53,661 Should we just cut this scene? 501 00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:54,811 Yes. 502 00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:01,257 That's right! Go low! 503 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:03,385 Turn it! Turn around on it! 504 00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:05,053 Turn around like it's a merry-go-round. 505 00:21:05,163 --> 00:21:07,427 It's your little slutty merry-go-round. 506 00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:10,228 And you're a bad girl! All of you, bad! 507 00:21:10,335 --> 00:21:12,098 Yeah, that's right. 508 00:21:12,204 --> 00:21:15,298 That pole is the pony you never got. Go! 36410

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