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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:03,703 Okay everyone, thanks for participating in this focus group. 2 00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:05,265 I'm going to be asking you some questions about the show 3 00:00:05,289 --> 00:00:08,958 "Inside Amy Schumer", everyone understand? 4 00:00:09,076 --> 00:00:11,744 Okay. So first question, what do you think 5 00:00:11,795 --> 00:00:14,163 the balance between the sketches and the stand-up? 6 00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:15,465 - Ooh! - Bronco? 7 00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,967 Yeah, I thought her tits were great. 8 00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,969 Like, really good tits. 9 00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:22,288 But her face was just okay. 10 00:00:22,339 --> 00:00:24,407 Just so-so face, man. 11 00:00:24,491 --> 00:00:26,074 So-so face, okay. 12 00:00:26,299 --> 00:00:29,499 How about the balance between stand-up and sketches? 13 00:00:29,524 --> 00:00:30,809 - Dave, you have a thought? - Yeah. 14 00:00:30,810 --> 00:00:32,777 Um, she looked better in the stand-up, for sure, 15 00:00:32,845 --> 00:00:36,948 but then there was just way, way hotter chicks in the skits. 16 00:00:37,016 --> 00:00:40,035 So it was really hard for me to say... 17 00:00:40,119 --> 00:00:44,072 And also, I like the skits better when you saw sideboob, 18 00:00:44,156 --> 00:00:46,691 kind of, but not the close-ups of face. 19 00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:49,411 Like, way less face, but more sideboob. 20 00:00:49,495 --> 00:00:51,663 - That's what I would say. - Okay. 21 00:00:51,714 --> 00:00:54,132 Is this something you guys could see yourselves DVRing? 22 00:00:54,199 --> 00:00:56,480 I would probably bang her, if that's what you mean? 23 00:00:56,535 --> 00:00:58,253 Seriously, dude? 24 00:00:58,337 --> 00:00:59,754 Yeah. 25 00:00:59,839 --> 00:01:01,149 - You wouldn't bang her? - I don't know. 26 00:01:01,173 --> 00:01:02,494 Is it crazy that I would bang her? 27 00:01:02,508 --> 00:01:03,975 Dude, yes, you would. 28 00:01:04,043 --> 00:01:06,044 Like, if no one had to find out ever. 29 00:01:06,095 --> 00:01:08,680 - Like, you just bang her... - If nobody finds out? 30 00:01:08,731 --> 00:01:10,731 - Just bang, dude. - Then I'm banging her. 31 00:01:10,733 --> 00:01:12,233 I would, yeah. 32 00:01:12,318 --> 00:01:14,402 Okay, so everyone would bang her if nobody knew. 33 00:01:14,487 --> 00:01:16,220 - If nobody knew. - I'd like to bang her. 34 00:01:16,272 --> 00:01:18,073 Like to bang her. 35 00:01:18,157 --> 00:01:19,637 Great, this is awesome, guys. 36 00:01:22,111 --> 00:01:24,195 - Okay, sure, go ahead. - Are the writers hot? 37 00:01:24,246 --> 00:01:26,581 If I could interject, I liked the routines where she was on 38 00:01:26,699 --> 00:01:30,568 the street talking to people and I appreciated how it had a sort 39 00:01:30,619 --> 00:01:32,587 of feminist bend on a male-skewing network. 40 00:01:32,672 --> 00:01:34,572 Okay, great. 41 00:01:34,623 --> 00:01:36,574 But I must say, I would enjoy the routines more 42 00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:40,011 if she had like a 10% better dumper? 43 00:01:40,079 --> 00:01:42,714 - Thank you. - Yes. 44 00:01:42,765 --> 00:01:44,916 - Downstairs better? - Yeah. 45 00:01:44,967 --> 00:01:46,828 - Okay, everyone agrees with that, right? - Yes, absolutely. 46 00:01:46,852 --> 00:01:49,013 It's just gotta be a better turtle part, man. 47 00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:50,605 Okay, last question. 48 00:01:50,690 --> 00:01:54,025 On a scale of one to 10, how funny was "Inside Amy Schumer?" 49 00:01:54,093 --> 00:01:56,928 You can write your answers on the cards in front of you. 50 00:02:00,066 --> 00:02:01,533 1 to 10 guys. 51 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,234 Everyone ready? 52 00:02:03,285 --> 00:02:05,653 Okay, everyone show your cards. 53 00:02:10,459 --> 00:02:13,211 Okay, so... okay, great. 54 00:02:13,278 --> 00:02:15,947 Um, going to give your input to the network and uh, 55 00:02:15,998 --> 00:02:18,817 here's your payment. 56 00:02:19,284 --> 00:02:21,553 Beef sticks and energy drinks. 57 00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:24,089 Oh! 58 00:02:34,734 --> 00:02:38,019 Couple of 'em said they would bang me? 59 00:02:51,133 --> 00:02:53,535 It's so hard for girls, like, your self-esteem, 60 00:02:53,602 --> 00:02:55,270 I just feel like it's up and down. 61 00:02:55,338 --> 00:02:58,239 Some days I wake up and I'm just like, yes, bitch. 62 00:02:58,324 --> 00:03:03,611 I'm like, my pussy's (bleep) magic. 63 00:03:03,696 --> 00:03:05,196 Then other days I wake up like, 64 00:03:05,247 --> 00:03:09,584 I can't believe anyone's ever (bleep) me. 65 00:03:09,669 --> 00:03:13,588 Like, Ursula from "The Little Mermaid." 66 00:03:13,673 --> 00:03:14,956 Shooting ink at people. 67 00:03:15,041 --> 00:03:16,541 Like, tentacles. 68 00:03:16,592 --> 00:03:18,593 Just... do you think that was hot? 69 00:03:18,678 --> 00:03:22,080 Is it just like a sea of boners out there right now? 70 00:03:22,131 --> 00:03:23,715 Bone, boneyard. 71 00:03:27,086 --> 00:03:29,253 ♪ Shrimpy been prawn... ♪ 72 00:03:35,478 --> 00:03:37,362 Hey butthole, what' up? 73 00:03:37,429 --> 00:03:40,264 Girl, did Bobby Skeltis ever end up letting have sex with him? 74 00:03:40,366 --> 00:03:41,983 Why? No. 75 00:03:42,068 --> 00:03:43,467 Okay good, Laura just told me he has herpes. 76 00:03:43,486 --> 00:03:44,903 So. 77 00:03:44,954 --> 00:03:46,538 Oh. 78 00:03:46,605 --> 00:03:49,991 Well, no, that is a big relief because no, I did not. 79 00:03:50,016 --> 00:03:52,116 Ok, no. I just wanted to let you know. 80 00:03:52,244 --> 00:03:53,628 Oh my God, oh no, no, no! 81 00:03:53,713 --> 00:03:56,131 My God, no! 82 00:03:56,215 --> 00:03:58,967 Please, God, let me not have herpes, please! 83 00:04:02,171 --> 00:04:04,539 We, well, well. 84 00:04:04,590 --> 00:04:05,974 Look who it is. 85 00:04:06,041 --> 00:04:07,642 God? 86 00:04:07,709 --> 00:04:10,678 Do you remember when the last time I heard from you was? 87 00:04:10,730 --> 00:04:13,398 It was probably pretty recently when my friend Tig got cancer. 88 00:04:13,482 --> 00:04:15,066 Pretty sure I reached out then. 89 00:04:15,151 --> 00:04:18,019 No, it was seven years ago when you were rooting for 90 00:04:18,070 --> 00:04:20,905 the Green Knight at Medieval Times. 91 00:04:20,990 --> 00:04:22,557 Oh. 92 00:04:22,608 --> 00:04:24,536 Well, God, thank you so much for coming through for me 93 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:25,994 - that night. - You're welcome. 94 00:04:26,061 --> 00:04:28,663 This guy, Bobby Skeltis, that you slept with? 95 00:04:28,730 --> 00:04:30,331 What are you doing? 96 00:04:30,399 --> 00:04:32,200 I know, ow. 97 00:04:32,251 --> 00:04:33,668 I can do so ch better, you're right. 98 00:04:33,735 --> 00:04:36,104 I didn't say that. 99 00:04:36,255 --> 00:04:37,622 Oh. 100 00:04:37,673 --> 00:04:41,709 You know, 70% of people who reach out to me 101 00:04:41,761 --> 00:04:45,380 are having a herpes scare. 102 00:04:45,431 --> 00:04:48,749 - Why should I help you? - Okay. 103 00:04:48,801 --> 00:04:50,028 - That's a fair question. - Yeah. 104 00:04:50,052 --> 00:04:51,269 Okay. 105 00:04:51,271 --> 00:04:53,721 Um, so I'm kind, a public figure now. 106 00:04:53,773 --> 00:04:55,723 Like a role model? 107 00:04:55,775 --> 00:04:59,277 So if some young girl saw me buying Valtrex or something, 108 00:04:59,361 --> 00:05:01,446 - it would be like, a thing. - Right. 109 00:05:01,564 --> 00:05:03,931 A thing, hmm. 110 00:05:03,983 --> 00:05:07,702 Like that earthquake in Peru yesterday that killed 9,000 people. 111 00:05:07,769 --> 00:05:09,537 Oh my God, I hope no one was hurt. 112 00:05:09,605 --> 00:05:11,623 Oh, gosh. 113 00:05:11,707 --> 00:05:15,243 I really need to stop making so many white girls. 114 00:05:15,294 --> 00:05:18,379 Let me be honest with you, okay? 115 00:05:18,447 --> 00:05:20,582 You did get herpes, you already have it. 116 00:05:20,633 --> 00:05:23,001 - No! - Yes. 117 00:05:23,085 --> 00:05:25,670 For me to undo your herpes, 118 00:05:25,754 --> 00:05:29,557 I have to create balance in the universe, you understand? 119 00:05:29,625 --> 00:05:31,226 Totally. 120 00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:35,396 I'd have to kill off an entire village in Uzbekistan. 121 00:05:35,464 --> 00:05:37,065 Yeah, whatever you think is best. 122 00:05:37,090 --> 00:05:37,931 Do it. 123 00:05:37,932 --> 00:05:40,185 You'll also have to sacrifice something. 124 00:05:40,269 --> 00:05:43,071 - Oh my God, name it. - Okay. 125 00:05:43,138 --> 00:05:45,573 - You need to stop drinking. - Pass. 126 00:05:45,641 --> 00:05:47,325 How about stop using hair spray? 127 00:05:47,409 --> 00:05:49,477 The aerosol is very bad for the environment. 128 00:05:49,528 --> 00:05:50,978 Could I just like, blow you? 129 00:05:51,030 --> 00:05:53,414 I'm gay. 130 00:05:53,482 --> 00:05:55,116 - So? - Jesus Christ. 131 00:05:55,167 --> 00:05:58,670 How about you just call your mother a little bit more often? 132 00:05:58,754 --> 00:06:00,505 That's an easy one. 133 00:06:00,589 --> 00:06:04,492 Mmm... what is herpes exactly? 134 00:06:04,543 --> 00:06:06,511 It's an outbreak, like, once a year? 135 00:06:06,629 --> 00:06:08,429 - Yeah. - I don't know.... 136 00:06:08,497 --> 00:06:09,991 - I think I'll just take it. - Okay, fine. 137 00:06:10,015 --> 00:06:12,634 Fine, herpes it is. 138 00:06:12,768 --> 00:06:15,353 Now don't forget to call all the men that you've slept with. 139 00:06:15,471 --> 00:06:17,004 It's the moral thing to do, right? 140 00:06:17,056 --> 00:06:18,973 Oh my God, of course. 141 00:06:19,024 --> 00:06:21,309 Duh. 142 00:06:26,031 --> 00:06:28,032 - Amy. - Mmm! 143 00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:29,367 I can see everything. 144 00:06:29,434 --> 00:06:31,069 What? Oh now? 145 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:32,987 - You want me to do it now? - Yes! 146 00:06:33,072 --> 00:06:34,582 Okay, well, you weren't clear about that. 147 00:06:34,606 --> 00:06:36,207 - I'll do it right now. - Sorry. 148 00:06:36,275 --> 00:06:39,043 I'm sorry, I'll do it now. 149 00:06:43,898 --> 00:06:46,117 Boopoop boop. 150 00:06:46,168 --> 00:06:48,586 Boop boop... 151 00:06:51,223 --> 00:06:55,110 ♪ Jeans into jean shorts ♪ 152 00:06:55,427 --> 00:06:57,011 What? 153 00:06:57,013 --> 00:06:59,430 I'm sorry you change seasons and now I need jean shorts. 154 00:06:59,481 --> 00:07:01,632 - This one's on you. - Just call them. 155 00:07:01,684 --> 00:07:03,768 No! 156 00:07:06,138 --> 00:07:08,356 Fine, I'll do it. 157 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,441 Gimme the phone. 158 00:07:10,492 --> 00:07:14,162 Unbelievable. 159 00:07:16,665 --> 00:07:19,784 Hi, Mike, it's Amy. 160 00:07:19,835 --> 00:07:23,087 - Schumer. - I don't talk like that. 161 00:07:23,155 --> 00:07:25,156 Uh, yeah, we met on Christmas at the 162 00:07:25,257 --> 00:07:28,710 Boston Market and had sex after two beers? 163 00:07:28,794 --> 00:07:30,094 Yeah. 164 00:07:30,179 --> 00:07:31,659 You have herpes because I have herpes. 165 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,332 Byeee! 166 00:07:34,383 --> 00:07:36,311 Did he sound like he was at all psyched to hear from me, 167 00:07:36,335 --> 00:07:40,772 - like what was his vibe? - You're the (bleep) worst. 168 00:07:44,843 --> 00:07:47,862 - Wow. - Oh, no? 169 00:07:50,950 --> 00:07:52,367 You ever had a herpes scare? 170 00:07:52,451 --> 00:07:54,235 - Once, yes. - What happened? 171 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:55,787 Um, staph infection. 172 00:07:55,854 --> 00:07:58,122 - Thank God! - I know, right? 173 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,358 You ever had an STD scare? 174 00:08:00,409 --> 00:08:02,460 STD scare, no. 175 00:08:02,527 --> 00:08:05,162 - Wow, good job. - Wrap that (bleep) up. 176 00:08:05,164 --> 00:08:06,884 That's a penis and this was a condom, right? 177 00:08:14,309 --> 00:08:17,809 Your wedding day... Memories that will last a lifetime. 178 00:08:17,834 --> 00:08:21,234 And you deserve to have those memories captured by a true professional. 179 00:08:21,259 --> 00:08:25,759 Not ruined by some ♪♪ who can't ♪♪ different skin tone. 180 00:08:25,804 --> 00:08:27,771 Click! Hi, I'm Martin Daniels, 181 00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:29,940 Interracial Wedding Photographer. 182 00:08:30,008 --> 00:08:33,176 I'll make sure your wildly mismatched skin pigments 183 00:08:33,228 --> 00:08:36,613 don't stand in the way of a flawless wedding portrait. 184 00:08:36,681 --> 00:08:38,348 Presto! 185 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,867 My work speaks for itself. 186 00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:42,786 I photographed literally dozen of satisfied couple 187 00:08:42,854 --> 00:08:44,655 like these two here. 188 00:08:44,706 --> 00:08:47,291 Wendy is Asian and Josh is, guess what, a Jew. 189 00:08:47,358 --> 00:08:48,575 Real original, Josh. 190 00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:50,461 Click. 191 00:08:50,528 --> 00:08:52,809 My two separate but equal light meters allow me to capture 192 00:08:52,864 --> 00:08:56,199 the pastiest whites and the darkiest darks. 193 00:08:56,251 --> 00:08:58,178 Even though your union doesn't look right through the Lord's 194 00:08:58,202 --> 00:09:00,162 eyes, I'll still take the picture. 195 00:09:00,171 --> 00:09:01,722 Who am I, jury duty? 196 00:09:01,724 --> 00:09:04,558 And my specialized editing software lets me disguise 197 00:09:04,675 --> 00:09:07,177 the disapproving looks from your relatives. 198 00:09:07,228 --> 00:09:08,879 Can I do Persian and black? Yes! 199 00:09:08,930 --> 00:09:11,148 Jewish and Namibian? Yes! 200 00:09:11,215 --> 00:09:13,851 Irish and indecipherable? Why not? 201 00:09:13,902 --> 00:09:15,152 Korean and Mexican? 202 00:09:15,219 --> 00:09:16,887 No. 203 00:09:16,938 --> 00:09:19,189 No you have to draw the line somewhere. 204 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:20,724 Will I photograph same race couples? 205 00:09:20,775 --> 00:09:22,493 Gladly. 206 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,746 I offer a 30% Stick With Your Own Kind discount, click. 207 00:09:25,830 --> 00:09:28,231 But if you insist on saying, "I do" to someone who grew up 208 00:09:28,283 --> 00:09:30,723 in a house that smelled different than your house, 209 00:09:30,735 --> 00:09:33,253 you can count on me, Martin Daniels, 210 00:09:33,338 --> 00:09:35,839 Interracial Wedding Photographer. 211 00:09:35,907 --> 00:09:37,408 What the (bleep) you just say? 212 00:09:40,178 --> 00:09:42,146 You ever hook up with a black guy? 213 00:09:42,213 --> 00:09:43,731 Half-black, half-Puerto Rican once. 214 00:09:43,815 --> 00:09:45,192 We are accepting that, yes, thank you. 215 00:09:45,216 --> 00:09:46,600 Excellent, I've been wondering 216 00:09:46,685 --> 00:09:48,051 Was it cool or what? 217 00:09:48,103 --> 00:09:49,486 I think I enjoyed it, yeah. 218 00:09:49,554 --> 00:09:51,555 That is the perfect way to describe every sexual 219 00:09:51,606 --> 00:09:52,656 encounter I've ever had. 220 00:09:52,741 --> 00:09:54,108 I think enjoyed it, but.. 221 00:09:54,192 --> 00:09:56,393 You ever date a black guy? 222 00:09:56,444 --> 00:09:58,495 I never dated a black guy. 223 00:09:58,530 --> 00:10:00,698 You are the best. 224 00:10:06,021 --> 00:10:08,088 Unh! 225 00:10:08,106 --> 00:10:10,150 Bridget Everett is just three points away from winning 226 00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:12,243 her fourth Grand Slam. 227 00:10:12,310 --> 00:10:14,005 Remarkably, she has not allowed Schumerenka a single game in 228 00:10:14,029 --> 00:10:16,146 this match and yet, I can't take my eyes off 229 00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:18,115 of Schumerenka's unique style on the court. 230 00:10:18,166 --> 00:10:19,700 I agree, Patrick. 231 00:10:19,784 --> 00:10:24,955 Schumerenka has a charisma on the court that just pulls you in. 232 00:10:26,841 --> 00:10:28,425 Out. 233 00:10:28,493 --> 00:10:30,453 I think one reason why Schumerenka having such 234 00:10:30,495 --> 00:10:32,106 a difficult time in this match is the distraction 235 00:10:32,130 --> 00:10:34,131 factor of Evett's grunting. 236 00:10:34,182 --> 00:10:35,976 Oh, God, it's disgusting, they should really ban it. 237 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,302 Whoo! 238 00:10:38,353 --> 00:10:39,937 Ah 239 00:10:40,004 --> 00:10:41,472 Unh. 240 00:10:41,523 --> 00:10:43,173 Out. 241 00:10:43,225 --> 00:10:46,193 Heaving and sweating like a Clysdale, Everett makes the shot. 242 00:10:46,278 --> 00:10:47,978 Let's take a look at the instant replay. 243 00:10:48,029 --> 00:10:50,397 Unh. 244 00:10:54,686 --> 00:10:56,453 So amazing. 245 00:10:56,538 --> 00:10:59,373 I think the most incredible part of Schumerenka's game is how she 246 00:10:59,457 --> 00:11:02,660 manages to be so thin and yet, still have such large breasts. 247 00:11:02,711 --> 00:11:04,128 Absolutely, it's just such a turn-on 248 00:11:04,195 --> 00:11:06,213 to see tennis play with this level of integrity. 249 00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:10,134 Amy's friends and family obviously agree. 250 00:11:10,585 --> 00:11:13,504 Schumerenka's sponsor is Herpsky premium vodka. 251 00:11:20,812 --> 00:11:22,930 As usual, Everett's friend and old math teacher 252 00:11:23,014 --> 00:11:24,982 is there to cheer her on. 253 00:11:25,049 --> 00:11:28,435 Got her a nice seat in her VIP box, sponsored by Ground Beef. 254 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,364 Is what she's doing technically cheering her on? 255 00:11:30,388 --> 00:11:32,523 It looks like she's just eating snacks from home. 256 00:11:32,574 --> 00:11:35,943 Schumerenka seems to be trying to take a moment to refocus. 257 00:11:36,027 --> 00:11:38,256 This is one of those key moments where she definitely needs to 258 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,564 take her time and not rush. 259 00:11:40,615 --> 00:11:43,167 - Yeah, don't rush that. - Whoo. 260 00:11:43,234 --> 00:11:45,479 Bridget doesn't seem to like the delay in the game and as usual, 261 00:11:45,503 --> 00:11:48,455 she has to try to control her infamous attitude problem. 262 00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:51,241 It's unattractive and also she's (bleep) ♪♪♪♪. 263 00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:53,910 Unh! 264 00:11:53,962 --> 00:11:55,095 Unh! 265 00:11:55,213 --> 00:11:56,964 Uh! 266 00:11:57,081 --> 00:11:58,849 No good, it's over. 267 00:11:58,933 --> 00:12:00,517 Yes! Yes! 268 00:12:00,585 --> 00:12:02,469 Well, Evert wins the East Coast International 269 00:12:02,554 --> 00:12:04,054 for the fourth time in straight sets. 270 00:12:04,105 --> 00:12:05,472 Hope she's happy. 271 00:12:05,557 --> 00:12:06,900 Let's go courtside for the awards ceremony. 272 00:12:06,924 --> 00:12:08,642 Bridget, you won. 273 00:12:08,727 --> 00:12:12,279 Here's your cup and a million dollars. 274 00:12:13,431 --> 00:12:15,232 Thanks, Katrina. 275 00:12:15,283 --> 00:12:18,068 - Really fought hard out there... - Amy, you lost. 276 00:12:18,119 --> 00:12:21,238 But you were so gorgeous throughout the entire match 277 00:12:21,289 --> 00:12:22,740 that it's almost like you won. 278 00:12:22,791 --> 00:12:24,875 Does that make sense? What's your secret? 279 00:12:24,959 --> 00:12:26,994 Um. 280 00:12:27,078 --> 00:12:28,545 I love this country. 281 00:12:28,613 --> 00:12:30,547 Freedom. 282 00:12:30,615 --> 00:12:33,050 Amy, I'm being told the crowd has chipped in. 283 00:12:33,117 --> 00:12:38,138 You will now be walking away with $2 million! 284 00:12:40,592 --> 00:12:41,625 America! 285 00:12:41,676 --> 00:12:44,094 I love you... thank you! 286 00:12:44,145 --> 00:12:47,064 Oh, thank you, my country! 287 00:12:47,182 --> 00:12:52,353 Thank you! America! 288 00:12:52,437 --> 00:12:53,821 Ah! 289 00:12:53,905 --> 00:12:55,572 I won... I won. 290 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:59,109 Amy! Amy! Amy! 291 00:13:01,479 --> 00:13:03,196 These are for you take them. 292 00:13:03,248 --> 00:13:04,948 I don't need them anymore. 293 00:13:04,999 --> 00:13:06,333 I love you, America. 294 00:13:06,418 --> 00:13:07,984 Take them. 295 00:13:08,036 --> 00:13:10,087 Amy Schumerenka, a true champion. 296 00:13:10,154 --> 00:13:11,422 Great for tennis. 297 00:13:11,489 --> 00:13:12,850 - I would (beep) her. - Oh, me too. 298 00:13:15,677 --> 00:13:17,109 Who do you think is the hottest female athlete? 299 00:13:17,128 --> 00:13:18,578 Anna Kournikova? 300 00:13:18,630 --> 00:13:19,713 - Yeah? - Yeah, not too bad. 301 00:13:19,764 --> 00:13:22,182 Uh, is she good at tennis? 302 00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:24,134 Mildly. 303 00:13:24,219 --> 00:13:25,803 - But it doesn't matter. - No, doesn't. 304 00:13:25,887 --> 00:13:27,398 - You'd still rather watch her play. - Yeah. 305 00:13:27,422 --> 00:13:29,390 Who do you think is the hottest female athlete? 306 00:13:29,441 --> 00:13:31,361 Is there really any hot female athlete out there? 307 00:13:31,426 --> 00:13:32,943 They're a little butchy, all of them. 308 00:13:33,027 --> 00:13:34,778 Well, I'm a little butchy and I get laid. 309 00:13:34,863 --> 00:13:36,590 Who do you think is the hottest female athlete? 310 00:13:36,614 --> 00:13:38,649 And you can't say me. 311 00:13:38,733 --> 00:13:40,067 - You're not an athlete. - What? 312 00:13:40,118 --> 00:13:41,935 Feel how heavy this is. 313 00:13:41,986 --> 00:13:42,986 It's like a Shake Weight. 314 00:13:42,987 --> 00:13:44,204 This is like a Shake Weight. 315 00:13:44,289 --> 00:13:46,407 Stop having better jokes than me on my TV show. 316 00:14:03,057 --> 00:14:05,298 Oh, good morning, Mr. Blake, I'm Amy, your new secretary. 317 00:14:05,310 --> 00:14:06,977 Hello, Amy, good to meet you. 318 00:14:07,044 --> 00:14:08,722 Say, I'm very busy today so I like you to make sure 319 00:14:08,746 --> 00:14:10,264 that I'm not disturbed. 320 00:14:10,348 --> 00:14:12,028 No one, but no one, is to go into my office 321 00:14:12,066 --> 00:14:13,160 without an appointment, got it? 322 00:14:13,184 --> 00:14:15,402 - Yes, sir. - Thanks, doll. 323 00:14:20,525 --> 00:14:22,726 - I need to see Mr. Blake immediately! - Oh, I'm sorry, sir. 324 00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:24,505 - He's busy right now. - Well, this can't wait. 325 00:14:24,529 --> 00:14:26,196 No, no, you can't go in there! 326 00:14:26,247 --> 00:14:27,998 Blake! Completely unacceptable! 327 00:14:28,065 --> 00:14:29,783 Third time this month! 328 00:14:29,785 --> 00:14:31,645 I'm sorry, Mr. Blake, I told him he can't come in here! 329 00:14:31,669 --> 00:14:33,504 All right, Amy, have a seat, Bill. 330 00:14:33,571 --> 00:14:36,957 For the love of God. 331 00:14:37,041 --> 00:14:39,626 This is... 332 00:14:46,768 --> 00:14:50,137 - Damn it, Amy, what happened there? - I'm sorry, sir. 333 00:14:50,221 --> 00:14:52,189 I told him he couldn't go in there. Okay. 334 00:14:52,256 --> 00:14:54,067 Well, I really need you to put some oomph into it, kiddo. 335 00:14:54,091 --> 00:14:56,977 - Okay. - All right. 336 00:15:00,198 --> 00:15:02,009 This is an abomination, I need to see Mr. Blake. 337 00:15:02,033 --> 00:15:03,473 No, you can't go in there! 338 00:15:03,568 --> 00:15:06,403 The hell I can! 339 00:15:06,454 --> 00:15:08,372 Blake, I've had it up to here! 340 00:15:08,439 --> 00:15:10,720 I'm sorry, Mr. Blake, I told he can't come in here! 341 00:15:10,775 --> 00:15:12,910 Jesus Christ, Amy. 342 00:15:12,961 --> 00:15:14,778 Ed, did she say you couldn't come in here? 343 00:15:14,879 --> 00:15:16,497 - Yes, she did. - Well, how did she say? 344 00:15:16,581 --> 00:15:18,499 Uh, "You can't go in there." 345 00:15:18,583 --> 00:15:20,450 Okay, that's pretty good. 346 00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:22,970 But the way she said it, it felt like I could go in there. 347 00:15:23,054 --> 00:15:24,471 Mm-hmm. 348 00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:26,957 Amy, there are thousands of women who'd kill for the 349 00:15:27,008 --> 00:15:28,986 opportunity to tell people they can't come into my office. 350 00:15:29,010 --> 00:15:30,978 I know, I'm sorry, sir, I'll work on it. 351 00:15:31,062 --> 00:15:34,348 Mm-hmm, all right, have a seat, Ed. 352 00:15:39,771 --> 00:15:42,272 You can't go in there... you can't go in there. 353 00:15:42,323 --> 00:15:43,440 You can't go in there. 354 00:15:43,491 --> 00:15:44,691 I have to see Mr. Blake! 355 00:15:44,776 --> 00:15:46,142 No, no, you can't in there! 356 00:15:46,194 --> 00:15:47,444 Oh. 357 00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,530 Okay, thank you. 358 00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:52,366 I'll wait. 359 00:15:52,450 --> 00:15:54,117 Oh. 360 00:15:54,168 --> 00:15:56,003 We, I'm sorry I yelled, I have to say that. 361 00:15:56,087 --> 00:15:58,989 No, I respect the American secretary. 362 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,008 I'm not an animal. 363 00:16:01,092 --> 00:16:02,659 Sir, thank you. 364 00:16:02,710 --> 00:16:04,962 Today's been so difficult for me and... 365 00:16:05,013 --> 00:16:06,597 Say! Is someone going in there? 366 00:16:06,664 --> 00:16:08,849 - Where? - Come on, everyone! 367 00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:10,216 What? No! 368 00:16:10,268 --> 00:16:11,635 No, you can't go in there! 369 00:16:11,686 --> 00:16:13,146 You can't go in there! You can't go in there! 370 00:16:13,170 --> 00:16:14,521 You, you can't go in there! 371 00:16:14,606 --> 00:16:15,522 You can't go in there! You can't go in there! 372 00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:17,357 You can't go in there! 373 00:16:17,442 --> 00:16:19,086 You can't... Oh, gosh, I'm dreadful at this. 374 00:16:19,110 --> 00:16:20,027 How did you guys get in here? 375 00:16:20,111 --> 00:16:22,362 Amy! 376 00:16:25,817 --> 00:16:28,652 Look, Amy, you're a woman and you can only focus 377 00:16:28,703 --> 00:16:30,954 on one thing at a time, I get that. 378 00:16:31,022 --> 00:16:32,499 That's why I gave you just the one task. 379 00:16:32,523 --> 00:16:34,491 In fact, what are you even doing typing? 380 00:16:34,542 --> 00:16:37,044 Look, you need to start doing your job or I'm going to find 381 00:16:37,128 --> 00:16:38,629 someone who can do your job. 382 00:16:44,218 --> 00:16:47,254 Well, hello, I'm here to see Mr. Blake. 383 00:16:47,338 --> 00:16:52,593 You can't go in there! 384 00:16:54,378 --> 00:16:55,562 Oh! 385 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:58,682 Ooh! Ow! 386 00:16:58,733 --> 00:17:01,268 Oh! 387 00:17:14,565 --> 00:17:17,618 I'm sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed. 388 00:17:17,702 --> 00:17:21,171 You! Can't! Go! In! There! 389 00:17:21,238 --> 00:17:22,839 Amy. 390 00:17:22,907 --> 00:17:25,542 Did my 11:30 get here yet? 391 00:17:28,963 --> 00:17:31,482 Mr. Blake will see you now. 392 00:17:31,933 --> 00:17:34,885 ♪ Stand up, stand up ♪ 393 00:17:34,936 --> 00:17:37,087 ♪ And be proud let someone in ♪ 394 00:17:37,138 --> 00:17:38,605 ♪ Let someone in ♪ 395 00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:42,959 ♪ Go get the coffee now ♪ 396 00:17:46,884 --> 00:17:49,984 - So, Gabe, you edit and produce porn. - Yeah. 397 00:17:50,009 --> 00:17:52,009 How did you get started working in porn? 398 00:17:52,034 --> 00:17:53,610 My friend told me, "If you wanna work on TV, 399 00:17:53,611 --> 00:17:55,672 find a production studio that makes something you love." 400 00:17:55,696 --> 00:17:58,698 So I was like, let me find a porn studio that makes something I love. 401 00:17:58,749 --> 00:18:00,900 What's the name of the last porn you shot? 402 00:18:00,951 --> 00:18:02,952 Um, it is called "(Bleep)more." 403 00:18:03,037 --> 00:18:05,788 It's... 404 00:18:05,873 --> 00:18:07,406 - Is this about me? - It's not. 405 00:18:07,458 --> 00:18:08,935 We can Photoshop your face on the cover... 406 00:18:08,959 --> 00:18:10,593 I'd appreciate that. 407 00:18:10,678 --> 00:18:12,322 What's your favorite scene you've ever shot? 408 00:18:12,346 --> 00:18:14,866 The thing I'm most proud of is a double penetration shot we, 409 00:18:14,915 --> 00:18:16,675 - we got away with. - What's that? 410 00:18:16,717 --> 00:18:18,117 - I'm just kidding. - Oh, man, okay. 411 00:18:18,185 --> 00:18:19,302 'Cause I could tell you. 412 00:18:19,386 --> 00:18:21,387 No... Would you ever do it? 413 00:18:21,438 --> 00:18:23,106 - Oh no, no, God, no. - Why? 414 00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:24,668 I don't know if I got the body for that. 415 00:18:24,692 --> 00:18:25,892 - Like... - Come on! 416 00:18:25,943 --> 00:18:28,027 - Could work it, but like, not... - Girl. 417 00:18:28,112 --> 00:18:31,614 Is it more important to have a good body or a huge (bleep)? 418 00:18:31,699 --> 00:18:33,426 We've gotten some older guys with like, craggy faces and 419 00:18:33,450 --> 00:18:35,618 like, really saggy, but then they have these like, 420 00:18:35,703 --> 00:18:37,320 - giant 11-inch dicks. - Giant dongs. 421 00:18:37,404 --> 00:18:39,299 - What do you do? - It's like a chest-down kind of thing. 422 00:18:39,323 --> 00:18:41,774 So you'll like, pan up to their face every now and then... 423 00:18:41,875 --> 00:18:43,376 - Ooh, ooh, ooh. - Like, he's a human! 424 00:18:43,443 --> 00:18:44,754 - And then you just go back. - Right. 425 00:18:44,778 --> 00:18:46,045 "We promise! 426 00:18:46,113 --> 00:18:47,613 This isn't a centaur." 427 00:18:47,665 --> 00:18:49,666 What if someone's just like, a really bad actor? 428 00:18:49,750 --> 00:18:50,883 Like, so bad. 429 00:18:50,951 --> 00:18:52,669 Have you ever replaced anyone? 430 00:18:52,753 --> 00:18:55,621 Like, you'd be surprised how many people don't show up last minute. 431 00:18:55,673 --> 00:18:57,450 So sometimes we'll have like, backups, that we'll call like, 432 00:18:57,474 --> 00:18:59,319 a half hour before and be like, "Yo, is your butt clean? 433 00:18:59,343 --> 00:19:01,344 - Come over." - So cute. 434 00:19:01,428 --> 00:19:04,147 That's how they ask me to get ready for the show in the morning. 435 00:19:04,297 --> 00:19:05,598 "Schumer, clean your butt." 436 00:19:05,649 --> 00:19:07,600 I'm like, "I don't wanna!" 437 00:19:07,651 --> 00:19:10,136 What's the worst thing you've witnessed this year? 438 00:19:10,187 --> 00:19:11,867 Usually what I have to do is get that like, 439 00:19:11,921 --> 00:19:13,740 - beneath the (bleep) shot. - Okay. 440 00:19:13,807 --> 00:19:15,247 So it's almost like you're a tiny ant 441 00:19:15,308 --> 00:19:17,610 - and you're just staring up at... - That's cute. 442 00:19:17,695 --> 00:19:18,861 What a cute metaphor. 443 00:19:18,946 --> 00:19:21,414 This is getting... Why is this so cute? 444 00:19:21,481 --> 00:19:22,865 I don't know. You've like a weevil. 445 00:19:22,950 --> 00:19:24,394 You're like, "So I'm in 'Fraggle Rock'." 446 00:19:24,418 --> 00:19:27,420 - Oh my God. - So this dude, he like, 447 00:19:27,487 --> 00:19:29,372 um, pulls his (bleep) just as he's (bleep)... 448 00:19:29,456 --> 00:19:30,934 - You're not like, wearing a poncho... - No. 449 00:19:30,958 --> 00:19:32,875 - You're not at a Gallagher show. - No. 450 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,280 And I kid you not, it was like Niagara Falls. 451 00:19:35,328 --> 00:19:38,848 It was just like, a wave of like, (bleep) to the face. 452 00:19:38,882 --> 00:19:41,934 - This sounds like the worst case scenario. - It was really rough. 453 00:19:42,002 --> 00:19:45,271 And it's like, somehow the grace of whatever God exists, 454 00:19:45,356 --> 00:19:47,056 it missed my mouth. 455 00:19:47,141 --> 00:19:50,610 You are such a glass half-full type of guy. 456 00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:55,531 I'm so jealous of the way guys get to (bleep). 457 00:19:55,649 --> 00:19:57,316 It looks so fun. 458 00:19:57,368 --> 00:19:59,346 And not just 'cause you get to spread your Funfetti wherever 459 00:19:59,370 --> 00:20:02,321 you want, just, like Oprah's big giveaway. 460 00:20:02,373 --> 00:20:05,875 You get a car, you get a car. 461 00:20:05,959 --> 00:20:07,293 Just like, "Ghostbusters". 462 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,879 Ugh. 463 00:20:09,963 --> 00:20:12,165 But guys, they're so satisfied, so tired. 464 00:20:12,216 --> 00:20:17,053 They're just like, "Unh, (bleep)." 465 00:20:17,137 --> 00:20:18,704 It's like they were in a car accident. 466 00:20:18,756 --> 00:20:24,894 "Did you see that guy? Came outta nowhere. 467 00:20:24,978 --> 00:20:26,039 Are you all right? You seem all right. 468 00:20:26,063 --> 00:20:29,148 Did you get his plates?" 469 00:20:29,233 --> 00:20:32,235 Then they sleep for nine, 10 hours. 470 00:20:32,319 --> 00:20:33,986 We're not like that. 471 00:20:34,054 --> 00:20:36,272 I need more recovery time after a sneeze than an orgasm. 472 00:20:36,356 --> 00:20:37,356 Just... 473 00:20:39,893 --> 00:20:41,360 - Little kiss? - Why? 474 00:20:41,412 --> 00:20:44,113 - I am, no, I am gay, but, uh... - But what? 475 00:20:44,198 --> 00:20:46,833 No. Can we just try, just to see what's up? 476 00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:49,869 Yeah, you know... 477 00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,521 Mmm, magic. 35040

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