Original subtitles

ROBUST MUSIC

It took a mere 43 mini-breaks to consolidate my believe that travel is a monstrosity.

Bingo.

But let me resubmit, for your consideration, the hard evidence.

Sounds like a threat.

For what does TV do better than repeat itself?

So, let me, Richard "The Voice" Ayoade, reheat this sorry hash.

This is a terrible idea!

In a series of eerily familiar montages,

I am going to savagely shoulder you through a phalanx of packed peregrinations.

To better times. To MUCH better times.

Tonight, a cluster of clippage among the most meaningful in the history of light-ent,

packed around the misplaced notion of self-improvement.

Ah! That's sinister.

It has been titled, without my consent, as Mind, Body And Soul.

And joining me on this desperate rout of the archives

are some of the most available celebrities at time of recording.

Eg that one, that one, that one, and also that one.

It's really cold. Yeah? Yeah. It's the sea.

In this particular holi-dash, we will speak truth to power...

Ha-ha, that was ticklish. You know what you did there.

...power on... Do you know, I'm getting so into this walking

that any minute now, I could take my hands out of my pockets.

...and ontologise.

The Holy Grail for me was getting invited to do Travel Man.

That was the same for Paul Rudd.

We went, but should we have gone?

Most certainly, yes! Really? Yes. OK.

A slave to unmeant promises,

I have schlepped both hither and thither

to tend my temple.

And where better to re-begin than in Hong Kong with Jon Hamm?

I am firing on all cylinders now.

A man so masculine, he makes me look like a nerd.

In this key sequence, we leave our hotel for a pre-brek bracer.

Here we go. I can't believe they are letting us out.

This hopefully will save us from an exhausting walk. I hope so.

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, this is very nice, yes. Good legroom.

First time in a Rolls-Royce? No. OK.

A 200m journey of post-faux-pas awks

propelled us towards The Tsim Sha Tsu Promenade,

for some mid-morn movement.

So, you know we literally went right across the street? That's right.

That's why I'm happy to pick up the tab for this one.

I would've walked. Well, that's not what your agent said.

Primal forces beyond our comprehension pulled us towards a free t'ai chi drop-in session,

run by the preternaturally spry William and Pandora.

Some of these people may be shorter than us.

HE YELLS: Hello, good morning! Hello, hey. Hello. Positive reaction.

Jon! Thank you. Hi. Jon. Nice to meet you. Hello.

Come to take our class. Please.

You are doing t'ai chi. Hi. just great. Thank you.

He's heavily introverted.

OK, ready? Wow, we're straight in.

Raise your hands slowly and slightly at your shoulders level.

This guy is 80, you realise?

He's 80. Yeah. Keep the arc in your right hand.

I think I did this in an eighth-grade musical once.

Isn't it this the season finale of Mad Men?

...your hands coming down.

Hat's a deep squat there, Jon.

That's deep. I'm just trying to do what the guy does!

...hands. This one I can do.

Now, let's do t'ai chi.

That was the warm-up? OK. I thought we were doing it. Warming up.

You've never taken t'ai chi before, eh? No.

I have never clone this. OK, you watch me and watch our teacher too.

Don't be fooled by my natural athleticism.

They are going to have to put music under this.

THRILLING MUSIC

Our effortlessly, elegant, elongations

and this inner martial art were created by imitating the life

and gestures of animals.

This is how I would sneak up to someone in real life.

And slowly, I discover you.

Are we twerking? I think that's what we're doing.

Now, more than fully in the zone, we add to our repertoire.

DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

Mine's jammed.

In ancient Chinese culture, the fan was used as coolant, decoration,

status symbol, and deadly weapon.

I command it like a chieftain.

And if someone else has a sword, do you still use this? Open.

Come on.

It keeps jamming, this thing.

Oh! There she goes.

A 60-min sesh sees us pumped, perspired, and prime

to uncover fresh residences in the Kung Fu Panda trilogy.

Thank you. Thank you for coming, gentlemen. Thank you very much.

I was a pleasure to meet you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Before I punch through my own palm,

a spinning graphic spun me into a montage of Athens

and the company of Dawn "Five Yeses" French.

Yes, yes, yes, YES, 3/95-

After a serviceable smattering of establishes,

we dunked our dukes in Lake Vouliagmeni.

The thermal waters are rich in minerals

reported to help with these issues,

as well as flesh-eating fish.

They're called doctor fish. Are they? Yes. Are they doctors?

They're actually licensed professionals.

I see! They will remove any extance dead skin.

Oh, they're starting now.

OK. It doesn't feel right.

It doesn't feel right. In fact, there's 28,000 kinds of no.

Oh! A bit stuck, that one is. They're really having a go now.

They're actually toothless. They're not.

OK, stay calm. It's all fine. Gosh. Fish are eating my feet.

The toothless carp feed on dead skin

when plankton is too tight to mention.

That way, lads. Lads, it's all you can eat over there.

In the early clays of Channel 4,

this would have been televised live as a sport.

SHE LAUGHS Yes, it would.

Oh! they're well on me now. There we go. Right, good.

They're massively on me.

I've got a few little ones giving it a go. Oh, you absolute filth.

Ooohhh, come on!

Oh, they love you now.

With the... Ha-ha-ha. Look, at least

if we did this in the jungle, there'd be prize money.

Yeah, yeah. And a debrief with Ant and Dec.

There would! Thanks. Thanks ever so much, Doctor.

It's crazy.

But before my feet were fatally pruned,

I did some hard tea in Vienna

with international introvert Chris O'D0wd.

SPEAKS GERMAN

In less than a moment, we were mid mooch

in Sigmund Freud's pied-a-terre.

The Freud Museum is set in the very building that was his office/home

between 1891 and 1938.

It now attracts over 80,000 visitors a year.

Here we are. Ah.

Freud's hall.

If that's not itself Freudian, I don't know.

On the walls, there're still the original decoration.

He really... He really went for it, didn't he? Gosh, it's a bit gaudy.

This is where he was for 40 years.

This house? No, just this hall.

He just couldn't get going. Much like us.

Right, this is his waiting room.

So, this is where you would have waited.

Had magazines and things like that...

He would have had, like, Fishing Weekly. ..before you popped in.

All of this is alarmed. You mean psychologically? No.

Literally. As it was in Freud's time.

He took his security very seriously.

The treatment room. Oh!

Like, I think this is called The Hangman.

It's a piece of art that they've just put in to brighten it up.

Cos it can get a bit heavy.

That's his couch.

IN STRONG ACCENT: Lay down, enjoy yourself. Yep.

I'll be behind you. It's not strange if I play with your hair.

The gift shop. Ah. Banksy's favourite room.

Look! He's got an action figure. The hands move. That's useful.

Yeah, you can just transfer your lightsaber from your other toys.

Freud would have loved a lightsaber.

I mean, that was the ultimate phallic.

Look at Darth Vader's helmet.

Yeah.

To honour our sitcom heritage,

let's cut away before any laugh alights,

and bolt like startled voles to Venice

where comedian Jo Brand and your narrator got our gondola on.

That's lovely.

Our teacher, Elena,

promised to help us develop and conquer the craft,

during a 90-minute masterclass.

So, in this boat, we will row in the Venetian, typical style.

OK. Which is standing, facing forward. So, it's not, like...

In the English-style rowing,

which you're sitting and pulling backwards,

we can simply row without thinking about the other boats.

That's very racist, but come on, let's...

As if we all row with our eyes shut in England. Ah, well, yes.

Eleanor has been perfecting her voga alla veneta stroke for 20 years.

We have less time than that for psychological reasons.

So, we paddle out after a couple of mins.

Twist. Drop. Push.

Are you feeling that extra power coursing through the boat?

Um... lsh.

You don't have to with hold praise.

You know, sometimes you can be a big person by praising someone else.

Be honest, is this the best rowing you've ever seen?

That is one of the best beginners. ONE of the...?

Here we go. Elena, you know I'm not going to be very good at this, don't you?

Take the oar. Don't worry. Got it? Yeah.

OK. It's your oar. Your oar. My oar. My oar.

Oh, wrong way. Yes. We have to go forward. Wrong already.

No, not that way, that way. That way. No! I can't remember.

J0, you're panicking.

Um, I can't...oh, is it that way?

You're pulling! That's the wrong way!

There we go.

Don't you dare stop believing in yourself, Jo.

Don't you dare.

You are a natural gondolier.

You were born to gondolier. You were born to do this, Jo.

Twist. In. Push.

Yes.

Flat. Twist. In. Push. That's the only way I can do it.

Can you see that that poor woman is walking...going faster than us?

And she's disabled.

So, it just shows that I'm not very good at it. Push.

Despite Eleanor's fervent pleas that we never leave her side

from this day forth, our time on the water must end.

How are you feeling? I can feel that I've achieved something.

Was sort of able to do it a bit, but quite bad most of the time.

I felt your technique grew and became very mature by the end.

Don't worry. It's nearly time for a break.

The only thing left in this most first of parts is

a brisk bit of Lisbon biz with Adam Buxton.

Come on. Watch us walk like the clappers to a very important clinic.

This is the Hospital de Bonecas.

The Doll Hospital?

Oldest in the world,

founded in 1830. Get in the door.

We start in the museum section, where repair dolls are on display.

OK, so, this is the outpatients unit.

Yes. No child is asking for that doll.

That doll... "Can I have a tiny, shrunken grandma to watch me?"

That doll comes with this sound.

TINNY MUSIC: Fur Elise by Beethoven

Are you going to make me stop, now?

I'm waiting for the finale.

Ah, that's a good, big, ole crate of babies.

ADAM CHUCKLES

Ah, look.

Adele.

Look at all these Barbies caught in a net. Whoa.

Like they're tuna. That is massively weird.

That's not cool because a lot of those are endangered. Yeah.

Ahhhhh.

I'm going to have to pick a bone with them.

I thought I had the only Heidi Klum Blonde Ambition Barbie Doll left,

but these mother-funsters have got one.

I can't believe it.

That's a heck of a doll.

Backstage, in the hospital wing,

broken dolls are admitted to the emergency ward for triage

before moving onto theatre.

A team of selfless surgeons use body parts from donor dolls.

Whoa. OK.

Sensing an opportunity to snag some complementary medical care,

I prompt Adam to unsheathe his Jabba.

Patient is a bounty hunter, Jabba the Hutt. OK.

And he's lost an arm here.

OK. Here.

OK. A porcelain arm? Yeah? Is this what you want?

Porcelain is quite high-risk.

RATTLING AND JANGLING

I don't know how hard you are in your role-play with jabba, but...

Yeah, maybe plastic, I don't know.

OK.

TENSE MUSIC

I can't look.

Is it set?

Yeah.

I just want to see him. Stronger than you. Boys, do not cry.

I just want to see him be able to pull

one of the slaves back towards him.

Oh, with this new arm he'll slave...whole world.

OK. Just let it dry first...

Thank you. ..and don't take him into the bath for a fortnight.

Well, thank you. Thanks so much. It's incredible.

This has been... Yeah. Amazing. You do wonderful work.

This woman, she hadn't slept since Tuesday. Very special people.

She's been doing 32 hours now,

and they're trying to cut these people's pay.

Coming up... I mean, it's like something off the telly.

...clips of what's coming up.

I don't see how relaxed you can be when your eyes are on fire.

You rejoin I, the rancid Richard Ayoade,

personally narrating some segments of stuff with

my unique sibilant lisp.

Let's re-tuck into Portugal!

This time, it's second city Porto,

where comedian Nish Kumar and I...

Kapow!

...tended to our persons.

Hi. Hello. I'm Nish.

Nice to meet you. Hello. It's Richard. I'm not Nish.

Promesas de cera - or wax promises -

is a Portuguese Catholic tradition whereby wax body parts are bought

and subsequently placed on an altar in an act of prayer and healing.

Do you have troubles with your ciabatta? Lovely.

What's this? Male breasts. Male breasts?

That's quite a flattering portrait of either of our breasts.

I mean...whoever's breast this is is keeping it tight! Yup.

SHE LAUGHS

What's this one? Lap band.

The throat. Oh, throat.

I do have a slightly dodgy throat.

That's the first purchase. What have we got going on in here?

SHE LAUGHS

Wax butt? Yes!

That's always going be funny, isn't it?

I'll take a bladder.

You're taking just...anus?

I don't want to discuss why I'm taking this.

But your silence speaks volumes.

And also, my ram's been a nightmare.

THEY LAUGH

You've very confidently slapped down a tenner. I have.

I've made it rain to the tune of ten.

It's a short rap video that you're in. It is.

And I will declare that against hands.

Thank you. Thanks a lot. Have a nice day. Thank you.

Can't wait to solve my butt problems. At last.

Body parts in the bag,

we canter to the 18th-century church of Our Lady of Carmo.

Here, people once made offerings for those recovering

in the adjacent hospital. Wow.

This is incredible.

I mean, there is such a thing as too much.

I feel like Harvey Keitel in Mean Streets.

IMITATES HARVEY KEITEL: You don't pay for your sins in the church.

You do it in the streets.

Ram, throat, and bladder - my legal advisors.

Paired with a man of my unparalleled empathy,

it's no wonder Nisha starts to dip.

I do, er...

...have a self-diagnosed case of IBS.

What are your symptoms?

Some mornings, it's torrential.

Volume and... Ferocity? "ferocity.

Absolutely furious. OK.

Sorry.

Did you know that I once went to Helsinki and wore a full dressing

gown in a sauna with Paul Rudd?

It was a different time.

It was so ridiculous that people filmed it so that

there would be a record.

It's a stunning structure.

It's got a nice aromatic, kind of, cedar smell.

That's my cologne.

I like it. It's incredibly powerful.

After a seamless sartorial rejig,

we head for the traditional smoke sauna where a frankly

over-relaxed dude called Kari waits with splayed legs.

Oh, wow. This is creepy.

So...

Ooh.

It's too hot in here.

Well, it's a place to relax.

My face is being attacked.

I don't see how relaxed you can be when your eyes are on fire,

like mine. Yeah. I mean, I feel like...l'm burning.

I can't touch my glasses, they're hot.

I don't know what - I can't hold them, but also,

on my face, they're burning.

Now, most people, do they have saunas in their homes? They would.

Actually, there's about five-and-a-half million people here.

We have more than three million saunas, different kinds. Yeah.

I've got to say, Kari, I'm shutting down mentally now.

I've reached - I'm like a computer that's overheating now. Yeah, yeah.

I need the fan to be going around.

It should be making that weird "rrr"...

It's too hot! We have a phrase that says...

This is the same temperature as something that's burning.

I don't think you're doing yourself any favours by keeping

the robe on - but I understand why.

I can't, I don't want to give anyone watching this an erection.

THEY SNICKER

Well, too late.

The only proximate solace for our inflamed, soot-encrusted flesh

is the sea.

OK. Well, you know, they said "go cold" straight afterwards.

Uh-huh. I'll hold your towel.

I have no idea how deep the sea is.

Just want to throw that in there.

Wow.

It's really cold! Yeah? Yeah.

It's the sea. It's really cold!

They just go in and out of pain.

That's what the Finns do - they go in the hot thing,

in the cold thing.

Back in sauna! Yeah.

That's a shame.

The globe spun and life went on - this time, in Ibiza...

JESSICA SHOUTS

...in which whispering Jessica Knappett and I had to deal

with a cauldron of chill.

Ibiza is lousy with hippie burn-outs.

And, in unconnected news, here we are at a gong bath.

Can you please go in position and get into the meditation mode?

Slightly stressy.

Gongs have been used in meditation since the Bronze Age,

with devotees claiming the frequencies can act as

a catalyst for recovery.

Can you do anything about uptight personalities?

How dare you.

The gongs have multiple effects

Your physical body... Right.

...the mind...the emotions, yeah?

OK. And your soul.

Because I have quite special gongs here. OK.

It's no woohoo magic. N0. It's physics.

Panama safely perched on my groin, King Gong Kosma Solarius

clanged his symbols,

tuned to the planets based on a cosmic octave...

...with the express intention of resetting our body's cell membranes.

THEY SNICKER

With the tinnitus taking hold,

Kosma starts to encroach on my person.

After 90 magical mins, we are all one...

...and-a-half-hours older.

Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody.

It's been a cracking afternoon, that.

The Gong Master has since rejoined the Army.

Now to Madeira, where another Army buddy,

Rob "The Person" Webb...

ROBERT SHOUTS Wow.

Joined me and my massive scarf for a wallop of well.

This is purportedly the world's most-visited trout farm.

Really? Yeah.

I think the second most-visited trout farm only has

one person in it currently.

And they've got teeth on the roof of their mouth.

On the roofs? On the roofs. On the "ruffs". On the "rooves"?

On their mouth roofs?

Yeah.

After an hour, we call the whole thing off

and headed off on a hike, followed one of my favourite

Madeiran irrigation systems, the Levadas.

Started in the 1400s.

They finished the last one about 70 years ago. Right.

UNESCO World Heritage Site. Is it? It is.

Largest laurel forest in the world. Another world-beater.

Another. I mean, it's just racking up winners here.

SIGHS WISTFULLY Stats.

After 12 minutes of brutally angry silence...

You know, I'm getting so into this walking that any minute now,

I think I'll take my hands out of my pockets.

...we stop to self-refresh with some Madeiran plonk.

You know, George Washington apparently drank a pint

of this a clay? Did he? Yeah.

Just all in one go, orjust over the course of the day?

I don't know.

Maybe just before bath time?

I mean, there probably are people who don't drink fortified wine

in the middle of the day.

But they're not expert walkers like us. N0.

They don't know anything about aerobic exercise. No.

The rapidly-ripening fruit in front of us has a hubristic moniker -

delicious fruit.

I don't know how widespread the delicious fruit is.

I've not seen in Tesco's.

Certainly it smells of the farm that I used to play on as a child

next door to our house. Yep.

It looks like something that David Cronenberg

might include in a film.

Mm.

Wow. Well, it's sort of like...

...if a pineapple had had a really bad day.

And that stinging sensation...

...at the back of the throat - that's part of its charm.

What's interesting is I've been chewing it for some time.

It doesn't want to yield.

L'lljust wash it down with some wine. Ooh.

Crumbs.

That feels like it would burn.

ROBERT GROANS

You know, this wine can last up to 200 years -

which, for me, is a bad sign. Shall we move on?

I think we're ready for more hiking now. Yeah.

We vainly attempt to metabolise our indigestible intake by

power-walking through an additional almost half mile.

Oh, now, then.

Visibly shattered, we stand proud at the Ribeira de Metade.

Remaining viewers will be unsurprised to find us overwhelmed

with oceanic feelings.

Yeah, I mean, it's...it's high up.

It's impressive. Yep.

I mean, it's like something off the telly.

And, if this makes the edit, it literally will be on the telly.

Even better.

So...should we had to the shop?

OK. Let's head to the shop.

And, to show that the mini-breaking keeps on and on

till the break of dawn,

let's pass the mic to Tenerife and the pre-stargazing,

flashlight-wielding Lena Dunham.

I'm a little disoriented by how dark it is,

but I'm choosing to trust you.

Well, that's...that's an error.

Because I can't protect you.

All I can do is offer you this stargazing tour,

which I've pre-booked and is prepaid.

Wow! Hi, goodnight. Welcome, nice to meet you. I'm Carmelo.

Thank you, I'm Richard. Nice to meet you, Carmelo!

Because of its clear skies, clean air, and high altitudes,

Tenerife takes bronze in the "best place to view stars from"

competition after Chile and Hawaii.

This is your first time looking at the night sky?

I've looked up before. Yeah?

But, unless it's the plough, I'm lost.

No, I've never even looked up. No. Don't worry about that.

The North Star is that star.

Oh, wow. You can see there.

Distance from us - 431 light years.

Wow, that's a way.

We're observing with a delay of over 400 years.

Jacobean period. Holy crap. That's when that light fired off.

So, I'm looking at Jacobean light? You are. Yes. Wow.

This is light with ruffs on.

When we observe the night sky, always, we observe the past -

never the present.

I think Carmelo's the new Oprah.

I'm so inspired by everything he's saying. Yes.

We wrap our retinas around some of the 83 of the 88

officially-recognised constellations that can be seen from Tenerife...

...and the odd planet...

Shut the door, that's Venus? Yes. We just saw Venus?!

This is excellent.

...before Carmelo gets astrological on our asses.

I am Gemini. Gemini. Gemini is heremtonight.

He doesn't seem very enthusiastic about Geminis.

Well, you know they're sneaky and two-faced.

So, you're saying like a twelfth of the population are just snakes?

That's the situation with Geminis? Unforch.

Gemini is very beautiful.

We have the body, the legs...

The whole package. Yes.

But the word he used was "beautiful", not "sneaky".

I totally hear you. I'm just going to let this one go.

This has been extraordinary. Thank you very much.

Nice to meet you. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Carmelo! That was so nice. Be careful.

Are there a lot of jackals out here?

More mounds of mindfulness...

Utska!

...are yet to erupt...

Oh, my God, I feel so alive.

...in moments such as these.

Don't make this about you! ROISIN LAUGHS

Allow me my moment.

You rejoin I, master of absence, Richard Ayoade...

Absolutely banging.

...in the third quartile of this digital dump-off.

I, and various others, continue to pretend to better ourselves,

this time in Budapest with Aisling Bea,

where we fail to make the linguistic leap.

Aisling. Miklaus. Richard.

Rihard.

I've been saying it wrong my whole life?

No, but the Hungarian way is Rihard. OK. Yes.

The stress is always on the first syllable. On the first.

So you would go...

SU-percalifragilisticexpialidocious?

Exactly. OK.

With an hour to conquer its ten dialects,

18 noun cases...

Utca.

...and 14 vowels sounds...

BOTH: Uh-0h.

We're like the Teletubbies.

Ee-ee. You could probably lose that vowel, I'd say.

...Miklaus starts to get our linguistic shears tight.

SHE SPEAKS HUNGARIAN:

HE STRUGGLES

All the best.

Never mind, Rihard. OK.

Finally, when you drink, you want to, "cheers," yeah? Cheers.

Egeszsegedre. Egeszsegedre.

That's how everything sounds after you start drinking.

How do I say thank you?

Koszonom. Koszonom.

I'm never gonna forget that.

Now we've achieved near fluency,

we start lining our eyeballs with landmarks.

Miklaus insists that we document these momentous moments

by attaching a smartphone to a stick

and turning the lens on our very selves in a selfie tour.

So, now we are approaching the parliament. Mm-hm.

You might ask why such a small country has such a huge parliament.

Corruption.

No. Oh.

Because it was built in 1896,

when Hungary was three times as big as it is now. Ah.

The part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire.

So, if you'd like to take a selfie?

This just feels like an Ozzy Osbourne album cover.

Richard, you should look happier.

I am looking happy. That's Richard, like, at Christmas.

In what could almost pass as a montage,

we click through the Museum Of Ethnography...

OK, you ready?

...and celebrate its socialist poet, Attila jozsef...

...leaving one last site to scope,

the Hadik memorial.

A popular spot for students.

Before their exams, they come here

and they touch a sensitive part of the horse

and they think it will bring luck.

If you look up...

Oh, my...

...and you see the shiniest part... Yes.

...you will see what I'm talking about.

Because people have been rubbing it.

Give me a leg up, Richard.

Oh, great, you made it.

The last Hungarian word we are going to learn is "tok."

Tok. Yes. What's tok? That sounds cute.

And since it belongs to the horse, and horse is, "lo"...

Lo. L0.

...they're lo...toke.

Oh, wait, now. That's horse balls, is it?

Uh, you said that, I don't use such words.

Take the selfie stick.

There we go.

Get the "lo tuks" in.

Please, let's not cheapen this.

There's a lot of horse to get in there. OK.

I think my head's in the way of the, erm, undercarriage.

Thank you very much. It was great fun.

Miklaus, as they say in Budapest...

SHE ATTEMPTS TO SAY KOSZONOM

Man went down to Amsterdam, for a Joe Lycettian interlude...

JOE WHOOPS

...in which two very different bosses

gave themselves over to street organ music

with the kind of abandon the screen rarely sees.

This museum is run by the Perlee family,

who have been in the organ game since 1875.

Was this seen as gay at the time?

Well, you say this is definitely not hetero?

I mean, I don't wish to be that, um...

"simplistic about it, but, um...

...it's not NOT gay, is it? Right.

I mean, we'd love to hear it. Mm.

If that's possible.

It's possible.

Yeah.

HUSHED: Oh, he's a tease, isn't he?

ORGAN: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham!

Shut up!

SONG FINISHES, JOE CLAPS

Oh, my God, I feel so alive.

Yes, I take that back about it not being that gay.

But what more fitting legacy could there be to George Michael...

JOE LAUGHS ..than this?

Moscow, the one in Russia,

saw Greg Davies and I take in a tub joint

with the savoir faire that comes from a lifetime lassoing steam.

Where are we going? We're going to a bathhouse. Right.

Pushkin, Tolstoy and Chekhov are mainly known

for how seriously they took their toilet.

And part of their rightly celebrated skincare regime

involved the patronage of these baths,

which are still an active part of Moscow culture at this very moment!

The great and the only so-so can broil together,

bonded by the belief that all men are equal when undressed.

But I don't need to strip down to feel inferior,

so I robe up to the gullet.

Hello, gentlemen. Hi.

Can you tell by my body language how comfortable I am? Yes. Yeah.

Is this the proper appearance? Yes, of course!

Presumably, I will be completely cool and relaxed,

because I'm wearing this hat... This hat.

...whereas Richard will be horribly uncomfortable? Yeah.

We advise all clients to wear it. OK.

Let's go to the steam room. Let's.

Don't forget your hat.

Yuri is taking us for a speciality of these bars,

a birch leaf treatment that is supposed to improve circulation.

Greg volunteers with giddying eagerness.

Greg, why did you insist that I sit at this angle?

GREG LAUGHS Cos, for me, this is a bad angle.

I... am not engaging with this.

Ah.

Oh.

Some of it's quite nice,

but it feels like it's building to something sinister. Yeah.

THEY SLAP HARDER Oh! Ah! There.

That's sinister.

This is a woodland version of Stomp.

I imagine that this looks...

It doesn't look good, Greg.

This is nice.

Ah. Wow.

I deserve this.

With Greg bewhacked into new strata of sensation,

he moves with unearthly alacrity

to the traditional post-steam ice-cold douche.

There are people who work here in the background actively laughing.

Ready? Go.

Oh! YURI LAUGHS

Well, that was creepy.

How do you feel about it?

I went in there with a tick list of three things, Richard.

OK, tell me what was on the tick list.

I wanted to wear a hat

that made me look like a sinister children's character. Tick.

I wanted topless men to thrash me with sticks. Tick.

And then I wanted to be driven close to a heart attack

with ice-cold water.

Well, that's excellent news for the tick chart.

Nothing interlinks that disgrace with this Berlin-based bunkum,

but let's imagine it does.

Just leaning here, guys.

If only so that we might take refuge

in the company of comedian Roisin Conaty.

Berlin is famed for its nightlife,

but that's no reason to plunge into severe depression,

because it also contains this vintage kegel barn.

Hidden in bar basements all over Berlin,

the low-tech game of nine-pin bowling

is having a welcome resurgence,

thanks to people like Julian, here.

How long has this game existed in Germany?

I need a precise date. ROISIN LAUGHS

OK, let's say the, er, 3rd of December in 1169?

That was a great year for bowling. It goes back to the 12th century.

And did they have disco lighting as early as that? No. No.

First one to... I mean, we could call it a day after this one.

It looks like a drunk man trying to get home. Come on.

You've got four. This is going to make great television, isn't it?

ROISIN LAUGHS Let's have a look at this.

Uh-oh!

Wait. ROISIN LAUGHS

Don't write it off yet.

Write it off now.

I plan on restaging the end of There Will Be Blood in here.

I'm going to try and do my Daniel Day-Lewis impression.

Eli! Eli!

Eli!

That might work!

Here we go. Oh, my God!

See? All it needed was a bit of heart.

Just needed a bit of Daniel Day-Lewis.

Keep going. We're not leaving until I get a strike. Do it.

We may miss the rest of the trip. That's fine.

Come on, focus in. Stay in the zone.

You're blocking me. Let's focus in. OK.

Here we go, let's focus in.

Here we go.

That... is an eight.

Oh! I need a nine.

This is the one. Come on.

That's not the one. It's two off the one.

Sensing an opportunity to elevate the sport...

Come on.

...and add fresh layers to my growing mythology,

I decide to play on solo, my focus becoming zen-like.

My favourite bit is that you stopped blinking.

I don't think you've blinked...

I don't know why you're talking...

ROISIN LAUGHS

...during such important matchplay. Last one. If it's a nine...

It's a f...

...five.

Here we go. This might be the one.

AS DANIEL PLAINVIEW: Come 0n, Eli!

ROISIN SCREAMS Oh, you got it!

That's a nine! I can't believe you got it.

That's a nine, we can leave.

PANTING: We can leave and we can rest.

And now...

...now you see how fun...

...being with me can...

...can feel.

I haven't thrown a ball in about an hour.

Don't make this about you. SHE LAUGHS

Allow me my moment.

Well done. Thank you.

Bit late. Too late.

That hadn't been done since the 14th century.

A nine.

After this noise...

Aieee!

...noise of other kinds...

Are you gonna... take your top off?

How dare you?

...that are yet to honk up the joint.

This is the kind of walk where it looks like that's gonna blow up.

It's the final furlong of this four-parter,

tenuously tied together by the titled twine

of mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing.

This is going to make great television, isn't it?

We begin again in Miami, where I was joined for the full 48

by the easily surprised Rhod Gilbert.

Oh.

The sun rises and we were there to document it

as a way of showing how dawn works.

This is not my natural habitat...

...and it's very early.

Why would anyone stay in bed when you could walk

on granulated rock towards a yoga group?

You'll be pleased to know this is free -

my favourite price plan.

Don't get me wrong, I've never done yoga, I've never wanted to do yoga,

but if you're going to have to do it, this is the place.

None of this is right, get your towel down.

Beautiful.

The class is in full flow, but we're half-hearted,

displaying an almost spiritual inflexibility.

It's not happening. It's not happening.

This is a baptism of fire.

All the way back, child's pose, exhale.

It's like a different breed of person.

All the way up, touch the sky and...

I can't touch the sky.

Sorry, this is just somebody who started talking to themselves

and then formed a cult.

To the dismay of our new-found community,

time restrictions command our early exit.

We promise to keep in touch via various social media platforms

and back out.

WHISPERS: Just take the towel away, take the towel away.

How do you feel about yoga?

I don't think that was a triumph.

No.

I'm pleased with this cape though.

And there was a completely separate time

when I went to Jordan with David Baddiel, and it was Christmas

and we went to the Dead Sea and this is that time.

Are we following that sign?

Yeah, to the beach. OK.

Although, is it a beach if it's not by a sea?

It's not a sea, it's a lake.

It's not a sea? It's a lake.

But it's called the sea, isn't it? There is no water outlet.

It is called a sea, but it's not.

Is it very salty?

It is - 34% salt.

How much is a normal sea? 3%.

I'll tell you what bothers me... Please.

...very salty water... Yes.

...it's going to hurt, even cuts you don't know you've got. Right.

If you've got a tiny nick from a difficult bowel movement,

that's going to really sting.

What a lovely Christmas message this is.

Well, Christmas, you have to think about that.

Some people eat a lot at Christmas.

Not sharp stuff.

What are they eating, holly?

Are you going to take your top off? How dare you.

I'm going to take my top off though.

Of course you are. ls that OK for you?

Why don't you go in the water and then playfully remove your top,

and throw it to shore? That's what you'd like to see, is it?

That's what you've been thinking about

whilst we've been standing here?

No, I'm just trying to think of a way not to get the mic wet.

The saline saturation makes a bod heck a buoyant

and millions of bathers come to bob like corks on the slush.

Ow, ow, ow!

What have you been doing, lad?

So what you want to do, is this...

I feel very uncomfortable with that.

Beautiful.

The whole lake's shrunk 30%.

Probably won't be here next Christmas.

Come on, Richie, you've got to go on your back.

I don't want to go on my back.

That's the point, you float in it.

It's not why the sea's here.

It is. It's not. That's not why it is...

That's weird, that's weird.

That's very weird.

Look at that.

It's bloody salty. I've got...

I've got that in my mouth.

Come on, Richard, it's Christmas.

Sorry, I've gone all Robbie Fowler,

but I've got a lot of salt in my mouth.

Are you still definitely not going to float?

I can't float, it's not right.

0h!

Goodnight. I'm going to come out of this frickin'...

...saline dumping house.

Can you get me some crisps?

Salt and vinegar.

In Valencia, which is a different place to Jordan,

I was contracted to appear with comedian Sara Pascoe.

I'm absolutely hammered. I can tell.

But each time we tried to film ourselves walking,

the camera cut away.

Like your boy Dan Brown,

we decided to pursue, and ultimately locate, the Holy Grail.

Our search is part-aided by the common knowledge

that it's purportedly housed in Valencia's 13th-century cathedral.

CHOIR MUSIC PLAYS

Well...

...it's the World Cup.

Some claim that this is the Holy Grail.

The Holy Grail for me was getting invited to do Travel Man.

You are not alone. Of course I'm not.

It was the same for Paul Rudd.

I've never seen a man smile so much. Paul Rudd?

He's a competition winner. ls he? Yeah.

Thought by some to be the actual vessel

used by Jesus during the Last Supper,

this is the only cup to have been recognised by the Vatican

as the potential Holy Grail.

I can't really see it, if I'm totally honest.

Do you want to borrow these? Can I? Sure.

I'm short-sighted.

It's a little cup. It is a tiny cup, 17cm high.

That's pretty little, isn't it? Yeah.

This is amazing. Yeah.

And there's blobs of people.

Yeah, they are. Are they monks?

You need to go to the opticians, dean

What is going on? I know.

Those chairs are too small.

They are for kneeling. Oh.

They're exactly the right height. OK.

Has this cup been on the Antiques Roadshow?

Hasn't been, as yet.

I don't know what David Dickinson would make of it.

Let's get it and take it on there.

We'd have to get through the bulletproof glass,

that's the problem.

There's only time for this obvious untruth...

This is the kind of walk that looks like that's going to blow up.

...before we return to Hong Kong with Ham, the man.

We're going to walk around the city and we are going to make some noise.

Hong Kong's sundry foot spas employ the ancient Chinese art

of reflexology to salvage the savaged soles of tourist

and resident alike.

A mere five more steps from fatal exhaustion...

Please take a seat here, sir.

...we find ourselves in Gao's Foot Massage Company.

The rose tea towel down and lavender hot bag

distractingly proceed an onslaught of unparalleled brutality.

I can't relax, that's one of my problems.

Very ticklish, very ticklish, very ticklish.

Too ticklish, ticklish.

Yeah, that, I find that better.

I'm prepared for assault.

It's when it becomes loving that I turn away.

That's ticklish, it's very ticklish.

Apparently, there are 14 channels within your body. Channels?

Channels. Some of them...

Whoa-ha ha, that was ticklish.

You know what you did there.

So you said there was 14 channels - how many of those are paid cable?

Well, six go to the foot and some are just subscription.

Ah, that's nice.

So that, each, sort of, area of the foot relates to something? Yeah.

What do you think he's working on right now, your arch?

The arch, the arch is the stomach, but, interestingly,

I'm very focused on the pain in my foot at the moment.

It's clearing out all that bad energy.

Is it? I feel like it is.

AVG, wha!

That was really...ow, that's really painful.

What are you getting?

She's a marvel. I'm feeling all of my energy

go out of my left foot.

This is really unpleasant.

You know that was my first role in acting?

Who were you, Winnie the Poo? I played Winnie the Pooh.

In what? Winnie the Pooh.

What was this?

I was in first grade. OK. I was five. And you were...

My mother sewed the costume, I had a belt with a pillow. OK.

I had a hood with ears. With the face?

The face was exposed, come on, it's my money maker. Good notices?

Very good notices. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Argh, ooh.

Ooh, oh, wow.

He's John Bonham-ing this.

OK, are you going to play bass on this? He's going solo.

Ooh! What are you doing?!

Does it feel good, kind of? Come on.

You're just punching me now.

You're not whining any more, it must feel good.

Oh. That's your sinuses.

Argh! This is hell.

I have pushed through the pain now and I'm getting some serious...

...release. Oh-oh-oh.

You get the heck away from me.

You back it up, back it up.

Back it up, Mister.

John and I make a silent pact to meet back here under

cover of night and remove this man's hands before they kill again.

Stop it!

And, with those soothing sounds, our tale duth conclude

with some dusky views of a similar hue.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media