Original subtitles

[boy] So, there my grandfather was.

Alone, injured,

scared, in space.

And the only way he could survive until his crew came back to rescue him

was by growing vegetables…

in his own poop.

[abrupt chatter]

OK, Kevin... I'm gonna stop you right there.

I'm having a hard time believing this is true.

Mrs. Westenfeldt, I don't know what would make you think--

Well, for one thing, it's the plot of The Martian.

-[boy 1] Come on. -[boy 2] Enough already, Kev.

Where do you think they got the idea?

["Beginner's Luck" by Chopper XXL playing]

♪ No more hangin' round Wonderin' what to do in town ♪

♪ We go, we got places to be ♪

♪ No more waitin' now Till somebody else is down ♪

♪ Got too many things to see ♪

♪ Time to take a ride On over to the other side ♪

♪ Gonna show them what we got ♪

♪ Time to change your mind Do everything we haven't tried ♪

♪ Do everything we want ♪

♪ Tell me What's the worst that could happen? ♪

♪ The best is yet to come ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Tell me What could possibly go wrong? ♪

♪ We got it going on ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ -♪ You and me ♪

♪ We'll be livin' really wild and free ♪

♪ The world will see We'll be coming... ♪

-[loud clatter] -Ow!

[groans]

[whispers] My God. Oh, my God.

Clancy?

Is your head OK?

-Uh, hey, Travis. -[chuckles]

Uh, yeah, I'm fine.

So, I'm having this party tonight.

My parents are out of town. You should come by. Here, um…

-Give me your number, so I can-- -Oh, um, I don't have that.

-You don't have a number? -No. [chuckles] I don't have a phone.

-[chuckles] -My mom won't let me.

She thinks social media's where serial killers

and college admissions get their information about you.

[chuckles] That's… That's really weird.

Yeah.

-[girl] Hey, Trav. -Hey, Emma.

Your party is going to be wicked awesome.

Oh, and shouldn't you be in rehearsal, band nerd?

[Travis] Don't worry about them. They're annoying.

Hope I see you tonight.

[classical cello playing]

[school bell rings]

[teacher] Louisa, thank you. Violin sounded excellent.

Alright, guys, practice, practice. [clapping]

Alright. Bye, kids.

-Great job today, Clancy. -Thanks.

Did you finish your... your audition tape?

Um, not yet.

Not yet?

Clancy, the application deadline is in two weeks.

I know, I… [sighs] I filmed one last night, but I deleted it,

'cause at ends, I was a little pitchy, and the high notes were flat. I…

-I just need-- -Hey, listen...

Make the tape this weekend, get it to me by Monday.

That's it. You got this.

-OK. -OK. You got this.

-[Clancy giggles] -Kids class. You wanna practice? Fine.

["Do It Like This" by Daphne Willis playing]

Ooh!

Ooh, you look good!

Yeah, I didn't... didn't think I'd see you here.

You look fierce. [growls]

[approvingly] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

♪ Here we go, c’mon ♪

♪ Everybody’s gonna have A really good time ♪

♪ Got a crew ready to do What's poppin’ tonight, yeah ♪

♪ Gettin’ fancy, edge of your seat ♪

♪ Groove makin’ you move C'mon get on your feet ♪

♪ Yeah, you know it’s the place to be ♪

♪ So get next to me We be feelin’ so fine ♪

♪ It’s like one, two, what’s the move I got two, three, follow me ♪

♪ I got four, five, that’s the vibe Like six, do it like this ♪

-♪ Get up, right now ♪ -♪ Woo ♪

-Yeah! -[toilet flushing]

♪ Like this ♪

[boy 1 chuckles] Nice moves, loser.

-This is so good, man. -[Kevin] It was just a joke.

-[boy 1] Where you going? Get back here. -[Kevin] Leave me alone.

Where you going? Come on. Give me one more move.

I knew you were there the whole time. It was just a joke.

-[boy 1] Youre gonna be famous. -Hey.

-Everything OK here, boys? -Yep. All good.

[boy 2] Sure.

Alright. Why don't you head back to lunch?

[keypad clacking]

[message sent swoosh]

Not so fast, you three. You're eighth graders.

You think you should be picking on younger kids?

What are you gonna do about it?

Oh... Jeez, well.

I guess, first I would find out who your parents are.

Then I'd find out where they live.

And one night,

when you're all sound asleep, I'd cut a small hole in their brake lines.

So, one minute you've got brakes, and the next,

you're rolling right through a stop sign

and getting smashed into little, unrecognizable pieces by oncoming traffic.

[school bell rings]

Oops! You missed lunch.

Better not be late for class.

-[indistinct chatter] -[boy 1] Guys, wait up!

["Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole playing on stereo]

[man sings along] ♪ Where is my John Wayne? ♪

♪ Where is my prairie song... song? ♪

♪ Where is my happy ending? ♪

♪ Where have all the cowboys gone? ♪

-[indistinct chatter] -[muffled singing]

-Hey, Dad! -Hey!

Hey, guys!

TGIF! [chuckles] How was school?

[both] Fine.

-Did anything interesting happen? -[both] No.

OK.

Dad, you really brought those weird finger things to school?

Uh, no, I didn't bring these with me to school, OK?

[chuckles] I have a spare set in the car.

-That's even weirder. -Kevin, can you tell your sister

that being a pastry chef

requires enormous finger strength for kneading dough?

-Look at that muscle. [groans] -Yeah, look at it. He's the finger ninja.

-Hola. What's goin' on, Finch family? -Hi.

[girl] Thanks for always letting me catch a ride, Mr. Finch.

-[Dad] You're basically family, Mim. -Don't be a perv! Close the door.

-[Dad continues singing] -[Kevin] So, Mim...

Oh, boy.

Well, looks like we're all here. Let's hit it, Dad.

I'd love to, but I can't jump the line.

Yeah, it's just, idling like this is super bad for the environment.

Oh... Do you have to take a number two?

Dad, what? No!

No, I'm just saying. I know you don't like going in school,

and I remembered last year,

when you held it in for five days, and finally...

[laughs nervously]

Dad, stop! You're killing me!

I'm killing you? You were killing us, when you--

Hey!

-Mr. Finch… -Hey, Mrs. W.

You know what I just realized?

Mrs. W and Mrs. Westenfeldt have the same amount of syllables,

so me calling you "Mrs. W"

doesn't save any time.

-Isn't that funny? -Ha-ha.

-She doesn't care. -It's funny to me.

Mr. Finch, Kevin gave a very interesting oral presentation

in social studies class today.

Really?

It was a project on their family history

and Kevin had fascinating things to say about your family.

Oh, well--

And how they were a troupe of traveling Russian acrobats turned astronauts

-NASA trained for secret space missions. -That--

Kevin tends to live in his own imaginary little world,

-which can be great… -Yes.

…except when it comes at the expense of participating in real life.

Except then.

So... I will give him the weekend to redo his project.

-That seems fair. -[Mrs. W] He can present again on Monday.

-Hm. -Well, I appreciate that.

And she's gone.

-[window rolling up] -[sighs]

Alright. Everybody, buckle up, the correct way.

-[door unlocks] -[indistinct chatter]

-[Kevin] Who puts ketchup on pizza? -[Dad] OK, Kevin. [laughs]

-Hey, hon! -Hey, guys.

[Dad] You should've seen me. I was a tiger in the carpool line.

[Mom] You are the king of carpool.

[Dad] Guess what. I had a chat with Mrs. W.

-Kevin's at it again. -Kevin, are you telling tales again?

-How was lunch duty today? -[Mom] You know, same as usual.

Actually, an 8th grader got into trouble with his phone. I had--

Wow! An 8th grader has a phone, and I don't.

Mom, can we talk about this? Please. It's time. I need a phone.

I'm literally the only one in my grade without one. I'm a total freak.

Just 'cause you don't have a phone, doesn't make you a freak.

Mmm... It's not like "sit with the counselor at lunch

'cause you stink like cheese" freak, but--

You know, in high school we had this foreign exchange student

who smelled like cheese. We called him Frankie Fromage.

-[Mom laughs] -Ew, Dad! Mom!

-He liked it. Frankie Fromage. -Focus! Phone.

Honey, we've been over this. What do you need a phone for?

Travis Schultz asked for her number to invite her to his party.

Do you know what that means? He's a senior.

[whispers] Senior.

Wait, a senior? Who? What?

-Travis who? What party? -[Mim] Hmm?

What? No. What party? No parties.

-[mouths] Sorry. -Are his parents be there?

-Oh my God. I don't know, Mom. -[Dad] We can call his parents.

We should call his parents.

-We should call everybody. -Oh my God. Don't do that.

Absolutely not. Do not call anybody. That's so embarrassing.

Honey, listen...

I know you think I don't get it, but I was 15 once too.

I know a thing or two about parties.

-[snorts] Really? -Yeah.

All you ever talk about is how you spent every waking moment in the library.

Yeah, well, you know, parties came and went,

but the library was always there for me.

[sighs] You're about to quote your dead poet guy.

-"There are no strangers here, just…" -[both] "Friends you haven't met."

William Butler Yeats.

Feel like if you can quote that by heart, you didn't go to a lot of parties.

No parents, no parties.

-Come on! Nobody else's mom even cares. -Well, I'm not everyone else's mom.

Obviously! Everybody else's moms have a life of their own,

not worrying about what their daughter is doing

and the scary things that might happen. [laughs] God, it's pathetic!

-[Dad] Hey. -Oh, so, I'm pathetic?

Yeah. It's sad.

You know what else is sad? You're grounded.

Yeah, you're grounded!

[groans]

[stomps feet]

[sighs] She hates me.

Oh, come on, honey…

[sighs]

[groans]

[sighs] She's ruining my life, Mim.

-Yeah, baby. She's cray. -[sighs]

She lose it when you told her you were going to Boston for the summer?

-You didn't ask her, did you? -[sighs]

-Clancy, do you even wanna go? -Yes, of course! I…

[sighs] I mean, I'm probably not gonna get accepted anyway.

The Berklee Summer Workshop is a really prestigious music program.

They get a ton of applicants every year and very few get accepted.

[Mim] Clance...

You're the best cellist I've ever seen.

[scoffs] OK.

I might be the best cellist in our tiny, little corner on Cape Cod.

Know what I think? You're secretly glad your mother never lets you go anywhere

or do anything, 'cause then you don't have to put yourself out there.

Wha... That's so not true.

[Mom] Mim! She's grounded. Time to go.

-[Clancy sighs] -Great.

Then prove it.

We are sneaking out to Travis's party tonight.

-Mi-- -[Mim] Shh! Yes. Yes.

Put on your skinny jeans and your red tank.

-Love you. -[Clancy] Love you, too.

[chuckles softly]

[upbeat pop music plays]

-[knocking] -[dog barks]

-[Dad] Angus, stop! Angus! Calm down! -[dog barking]

[Dad] Angus, heel! [groans]

[door slams]

-[dog barking] -[Dad] Sit. Heel! Heel! Heel!

[yelps] Ah, he got me! Get down! Lay down!

Stay! I'm the alpha!

-[chuckles] -[dog barking]

[breathless] Ah... animals. [chuckles]

-Hey, Lewis. What's happenin'? -Hi.

Kevin's is very excited about tonight's sleepover.

Thanks for inviting him.

-Here's a bag with some of his stuff. -Great.

[woman] Including his special nighttime underpants,

which have sensors that sound a small alarm

-when they get wet. -Ah. That's cute.

Lewis has a bit of a problem with [whispers] wetting the bed.

Mom!

Oh, don't worry about it, buddy. It happens to the best of 'em.

It happens to me from time to time. [laughs]

Ron! Get your prostate checked.

Oh, no, I was, I was…

Ye... I will. I should.

-I definitely should. I will. Uh, K-Kevin! -Uh-huh.

Lewis is here!

-Come down. Quickly. Like the wind, boy. -[footsteps]

[chuckles] Come on, buddy.

-[dog barking] -No.

-[woman] Bye, honey! Be careful. -[Kevin] Let's go!

Those guys are like the three musketeers, without, you know, the--

I'll collect him in the morning.

-Eight o'clock sharp. -OK.

[forced chuckle]

He'll be fine.

-[video game music playing] -[Kevin] Ooh...

Right at the video games.

How about you guys do something a bit more, uh, productive?

We are! We just took over Tilted Town.

I meant something a little more physical.

-My guy's running. -[Ron laughs]

OK, Kevin, I think that this is what Mrs. W was talking about.

You spend way too much time in these imaginary worlds.

Why don't you go outside into the real world and run around a bit?

Oh... Here, Mr. Finch.

-What's this? -A list of my known allergens.

It's laminated for protection.

Mom was concerned about your cavalier parenting style.

-It means-- -I know what it means.

OK. I'll make it simple. How about this? Who wants pizza for dinner?

Me!

-I'm not allowed half-processed cheeses. -Well, Lewis, it'll be our little secret.

-I'm not allowed to have secrets. -Oh, it's gonna be a long night.

Honey, I mean, almond milk, soy milk...

Can we just get regular milk for once?

You can't just squeeze something and call it milk.

-That's just nut water. -[toilet flushing in video]

You like nut wa-- What? Wait a minute.

[Kevin] It was a joke.

H-honey, honey, I-I gotta go.

Everything OK here, boys?

[silly music playing]

Oh, crap!

[doorbell rings]

-[dog barking] -Hey! No! Angus, no! Angus! Angus!

-Whoa! -No! Stop! No!

[pizza guy] Here you go, bud. I happen to have a dog treat for ya.

Gotta be prepared for anything in this line of work, man.

That was impressive. [laughs]

-What do I owe ya? -Uh, it's gonna be 18.45.

Forty-five. You got it. I have… Oh...

-I only have a twenty. That's a bad tip. -Oh, don't sweat it.

No, no, no, I don't wanna be that guy.

Take that, but don't go. Hold on. Take this.

I own the bakery on Wyndhurst. Stop by, OK?

-Anything you want, on the house. -OK.

-Cool. Thank you, man. -[Ron chuckles] Cool, man.

Nice guy.

[sighs]

[phone beeps]

[bass guitar strumming]

[in British accent] It's her.

-[snoring] -[engine starts]

Wow! You guys picked the perfect night for a campout.

[chuckles] This is gonna be so cool.

-I don't get why we're being punished. -Kev, you're not being punished.

-It's fun. It's an adventure. -Uh, Mr. Finch.

I'm not allowed to play in unfamiliar frontier settings unsupervised.

Good news, it's not a frontier. You're in our backyard.

There's a fence. You're gonna be perfectly safe.

Come on, guys. Inside.

There you go. You got it.

Look at this tent. We haven't used this tent in ages.

Yeah, because it sucks! There are bugs everywhere.

-That thing's cocooning! -There are not bugs everywhere! Ju... Oh!

[Ron blowing]

There he goes... just back to his little spot, see?

Do me a favor. Sleep with your mouths closed, OK?

Anyway, have a good time, guys! This is fun! Camping out!

[suspenseful, exciting music plays]

What now?

-We could tell scary stories. -OK.

That sounds cool.

You go first.

-[crunching] -[bird squawks]

What was that?

Air? Wolf?

-[crunching] -Badger?

-Probably not a badger. -Alien?

With hooks for hands?

[both scream]

-[Mim laughs] My God! -[Kevin] Jeez, Mim.

-[both panting] -[Mim] Oh, you guys should see your faces.

What are you little turds doin' out here?

-S-sleeping in the tent. -Duh. Why?

My dad thinks it's good for us, or something.

[scoffs] Parents are so weird.

[chuckles softly] What are you doing?

Sneaking out, obviously. Cute jammies.

[metal squeaking]

-Busted! -[sheepish giggle]

-Sorry, I was just, uh-- -Oh... I know what you were doing.

You were trying to sneak one of these.

-Yes. [chuckles] -Yes! I know.

Every time

I bake a new tester recipe, there's always one or two missing in the morning.

I always thought it was Kevin, but now I know, it's my daughter.

[chuckles] Guilty.

OK... [smacks lips]

Brown sugar, banana, with avocado frosting.

Gettin' crazy, Dad.

A little wild, but tell me what you think.

You were a little hard on Mom tonight.

She was hard on me.

She grounded me for no reason.

Well, she had her reasons. You can't talk to Mom like that.

You know, you two are more alike than you know.

[Clancy chuckles softly]

OK.

Alright, enough with the lecture. What do you think? [sighs]

-It's actually really good. -Good! I picked the right profession.

-[laughs] Yeah. -[Ron laughs]

Alright. Well, you finish that one.

-Do not touch any of the other ones. -OK.

-If Kevin asks, you were never here. -[chuckles]

-Alright. Don't stay up too late. -OK.

-Alright. I love you. -Love you, too.

[footsteps moving away]

[suspenseful music playing]

So... where you sneakin' out to?

You sneakin' out to meet a guy? Dude? Man?

Don't tell him anything. He's just gonna tell on us.

-He's a total tattletale. -I am not!

And we sneak out all the time, right?

You do not sneak out.

-You're too afraid of the dark. -[mouth full] No, we love the dark. Right?

Says the boy with the Captain America night-light in his room.

Hey, it's not a night-light, it's an area illuminator,

in case I have to pee or get a drink in the middle of the night.

[Clancy] He makes crap up. He's a liar.

[Kevin] I'm telling Mom you called me a liar.

I have to use the restroom.

-Don't look at the Gatorade. -[girls] Oh!

[Lewis] You got this. You're a big boy!

[door sliding]

-[car approaching] -[mysterious music plays]

-Dog? -Neutralized.

[lock clicks]

[sighs]

Come on, Lewis.

You've had nothing to drink since noon. Yesterday.

You got this, man!

[whispers] OK, here we go.

[sighs]

Hey, Clancy?

[menacing music playing]

Like mother, like daughter.

[gasps]

[panting]

[man grunts]

[Mom grunts]

[door creaks]

-[Mom grunts] -[man groans]

-[grunts] -[clatter]

[both panting]

Are you gonna kill me with carbs?

-[groans] -[smashes]

[man growls and laughs]

-Should have brought backup. -[woman] He did.

Hey. Is this about the tip?

Hello again, Mathilde.

Mathilde? No, that's Margot.

Oh! OK. I understand.

So, apparently this is... [sighs] a huge misunderstanding.

I see you've met my friend Baxter.

Jean-Paul asked us to swing by, get the old band back together.

-No, thanks. [sighs] -Honey, you know these two?

The crown of Durámuran, it's here.

Looks like you'll get one more shot at it after all.

I really think that you guys are in the wrong place.

You're talking about crowns. The Neidmeyers live two houses down.

He's a dentist, does lot of crown work, so--

I'm not interested.

Oh, that's a shame. We need both of you.

Both?

[together] Both.

-Are you guys talking about me too? -[both] No.

Oh, well, you said both, so that's--

-Time's up. Are you in or dead? -OK!

No! No. That is not the saying. It's not "in or dead," it's "in or out."

It's "in or out."

I would like to speak for my wife, and we're gonna respectfully say

w-w-we are out.

-[panting] -I'm in.

-[sighs] -[Ron] W-What? Honey…

-Honey, wh-- -Good night.

-[Ron] Margot! -[gasps]

-Relax! It's just a mild sedative. -[Ron] Margot.

Your wife is a dangerous woman, Mr. Finch.

At least, she used to be.

-[chuckles] -[Ron] Margot!

[woman] Stuff 'em in the car. Let's get going.

[panting]

Guys! Guys! Guys!

Guys! Guys! Guys!

Hey, you're gonna wake up my parents!

No, they're gone! Ninjas just stole your parents.

[panting]

S-See? I never lie. I was telling the truth!

-[panting] -Oh, my God.

-[shouts] Mom? -[Mim] Why would they take your parents?

No offense, your dad owns a bakery, your mom's a housewife.

-It's not thrilling. -I don't think your mom's really your mom.

I think she was, like, the head ninja, and she was a very dangerous woman,

and they kept calling her... Mathilde.

What?

Mom has another name than "Mom"?

No! Mom doesn't have another name, OK? She's not a ninja.

She won't go in the basement, she's afraid of crickets.

[car approaching]

-They're back! -Oh my God.

-Who's they? What? -[Mim mumbles] Shh!

[man] Oh my gosh.

[door lock clanking]

Hello?

Anybody here?

Ooh, hey!

Kevin! I'm not here to hurt you, buddy.

I'm-I'm a friend of your mom's. Remember me? Henry?

Hmm?

OK. That is… a really cool sword.

Yeah. It's a pirate sword.

Uh-huh.

-Don't make me use it! -[Henry] Oh, OK. [laughs] Whoa.

Kevin, you are really brave,

but, I mean, we both know that's not a real sword, right?

-[yells] -[Henry grunts]

[girls screaming]

-[Lewis] Hee-yah! -[Henry] Ow!

He looks way too fat to be a ninja.

You know, I can hear you.

These things keep your ears warm, but don't keep the sound out.

-Where are our parents? -[Henry] OK, listen.

Kids, this is gonna sound confusing

and a little scary.

My name is Henry Gibbs and I'm a U.S. Marshal.

I work for the division of WITSEC. You might know that as Witness Protection.

About 15 years ago, your mom entered the program.

[Kevin] Wait.

You mean to tell me our mom's in witness protection?

-Like what they do with mob guys? -I'm not allowed to get involved

-with criminal activity. -Kids, look, a long time ago,

your mom got into some bad things with some very dangerous people:

the Pescatrici Syndicate.

They were going to jail,

and we convinced them to rat out a very big crime boss.

After that, we had to get them new identities.

It was my job to protect your mom.

Our mom had a whole different life? What's her real name?

Well, I mean, that's classified informa--

Mathilde Tremblay. Born November 7th, 1976, Ontario, Canada.

-[Clancy scoffs] -We're Canadian?

Wait, is that my phone? How did you get my passcode?

What? The first four digits of your badge number?

-Yeah, that was tough to crack. -OK. Don't like her.

Alright, listen.

A video of Kevin dancing, with his mom in it, got on the internet.

It went viral. It got, like, a million hits.

The bad guys must have seen it and tracked her down.

A video of me...

Oh, no. Um, that... No, that didn't happen.

-[Clancy] Nice job, Kevin. -Fiancé: Leo Beauchamp.

Born May 11th, 1974.

-Whoa, check out this hottie. -What? She had a fiancé?

-[Kevin] He is pretty cute. -[Clancy] He's a musician?

-How long ago were they engaged? -This was so long ago.

It's before you guys were even born.

Kids, your mom is a completely different person than what she was.

Tss! Yeah, no kidding. She was some Canadian named Mathilde!

What bad things did she do?

[Henry sighs]

She stole things. Very expensive things.

I knew it! She always takes the free samples at the grocery store.

Not just one. I'm talking entire handfuls, OK?

They said they were "getting the band back together." She said she was in.

[Henry] Uh, no, no. Hey, hey, stop it.

We're jumping to conclusions.

Y-Your mom--

Mom? Whose mom? Is she even our real mom?

Is anything real?

-My whole life has been a lie! -Oh, Kevin…

Is that even my real name?

Of course it's your real name.

[Kevin] I hate hockey and Canadian bacon. It's just ham.

I said some really, really mean stuff to her today.

I called her pathetic.

-[Kevin] ...video off the internet? -[Henry] Yeah, it was adorable.

[Kevin] No, that didn't happen.

Wait. This is Mom's necklace. She wears this every day.

-She never takes it off. -Yea, she never does.

Whoa, look at this.

Ooh, she left a message!

-[Clancy] What? -[Mim] Yes, what is this? Uh, Ang...

-Am... Anger... -[Clancy] Ak... An...

Oh, Angus! Angus!

Who's Angus?

Who's Angus?

-Your dog. Oh my God. -Yes. OK.

Hey, Angus.

Angus!

[shouts] What do you need to tell us?

-[dog breathing softly] -Hello? Anybody home?

Ah, it's no use.

-What's wrong with him? -I don't know. He's out cold.

Dude, he's drugged.

Take off his collar so he's more comfortable. Poor baby.

Wait.

One, nine, nine, Fayette Street.

That's not our address.

Wait a second.

Look! The symbols match. That has to mean something, right?

What would that mean? Who's at that address?

I don't know. Uh, maybe Mom's trying to tell us something?

-We should go! -Children, listen.

-Whatever you're trying to do right now-- -No!

Guys, whatever's at this address could help us find them.

We can fix this.

-Let's go get Mom and Dad back. -[Henry] Uh, no way!

Those are dangerous people.

You need to leave this to the adults

and trained professionals such as myself.

Baby, you're tied to a chair with Christmas lights.

Hey! You kids can't just leave me here. [sighs] Oh... Oh, see?

You know what? I may have misjudged you.

-If you could just ke-- -[Christmas jingle playing]

Oh, she is the worst.

-[door closes] -[sighs]

-[driver] Miriam? -Yeah, that's me.

It's night.

-Your parents know you're out? -Yes!

-Of course. -They joined a gang of ninjas.

-Shh! -Is this weird?

-Will I get in trouble? -No, dude. Seriously?

You're making it weird. You want me to give you the one star?

-I'll do it. -She'll do it.

[doors unlock]

Lewis, come on, man.

This is our chance to be heroes in the real world.

Not some imaginary world everyone says we live in.

Come on. Let's go save my parents.

OK.

-[Mim] Boys, let's go. -[Kevin] Get in the car.

Buckle up.

-[Baxter] Go. -[Ron] OK. Alright.

Witness protection. I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Honey, that's the point of witness protection.

-You can't tell anyone. -So, what?

You were loosely associated with bad guys who were involved in criminal activity?

Sure, we'll go with that.

So you're not really from Nebraska?

-Yes. -Yes, you're from Nebraska.

OK, well, at least that's true.

No. I mean, yes, I'm not from Nebraska.

What about your Cornhuskers T-shirt?

They gave it to me.

-I'm sorry, I couldn't tell you. -[Ron] Is our marriage a lie?

No. I know this is traumatic.

Yeah! We're being held at gunpoint! We've been kidnapped!

-Shut up before I kill you both. -Shutting up.

[dog barks]

[Margot] Angus?

Angus! Hi, buddy.

[dog barking]

Oh, you got old.

Who's there?

Mathilde.

-Leo. -Who's that?

-Her fiancé. -Her what?

Oh, that's great.

That's… that's great.

[sighs]

-What are you doing here? -[softly] I don't...

I'm sorry.

For what?

[woman] For this!

[sighs]

What is happening?

[upbeat music playing]

[driver] This is it, kids.

[Clancy] Great. Creepy storage unit place.

-[Mim] It's cute. It's great. -[Clancy] This night keeps getting better.

[Lewis] I'm not allowed to break into private property.

-[Clancy] Your choice, Lewis. -[Mim] Nobody's allowed to trespass.

[Kevin grunting]

[sighs] Thanks, team. We got this. Thanks, guys.

Wait for me.

[Ron] OK, wait! I wanna make sure I get this straight.

You got the same exact kind of dog,

and then gave it the same exact name.

Know what I wanted to name it? Indiana Bones.

But you insisted on Angus and now I know why.

I wasn't allowed to bring him into the program and I missed him.

There's a midnight gala tonight in the Grand Concert Hall.

The royal crown of Durámuran.

The crown will be on the head of the Queen of Moldana.

-The King and the Queen-- -Sorry, don't mean to interrupt, ma'am.

Honey, is there a second set of children who look exactly like ours

that I should know about?

[Leo] Wait. You have kids?

-Course you do. -Yeah.

[sighs] Oh, man. [smacks lips]

I mean, when we both went into the program, I just…

I guess I just never found… the right person.

[Ron laughing]

You know what else you didn't find, Leo?

Your sleeves. You couldn't find your sleeves.

-It's cold out! What's he trying to prove? -Ron!

You know what? The answer is no. We won't do it.

-Then, we have no use for you. -[gun cocks]

-[Ron] Nah. -No, no. Wait, wait.

If we steal this,

that's it.

We're done. We're even.

You leave my family alone.

We pull this off, we never have to work again.

We'll disappear. Those kids will be safe and sound.

No... it's too dangerous.

God, he's so big!

You heard what they said. If we commit another crime in the program,

we go to jail for a long time.

There's no second chance for us this time.

Well then, we just won't get caught.

[Kevin] Oh, this is unit seven.

[sighs] But it's locked. Of course.

And we don't have the combination.

I mean... [sighs] I use my birthday for my locker.

Try my birthday.

My birthday is March 20th.

[lock clicking]

[lock unlocks]

My birthday.

Huh!

It's dark in there.

[loud crash]

[light switch clicks]

This is a bit of a letdown.

It's just Nana and Grampy's old crap.

There's nothing cool here.

[Mim] I don't know, babe. There's just a lot of chairs in here.

[Kevin sighs]

[Clancy] We won't find anything.

[Mim] There's at least four chairs in this corner.

I'm just really put off by the amount of chairs in front of us.

[automated voice] DNA recognized.

[siren blaring]

Kevin, what did you do?

Nothing! That was already there.

[mechanism clanking]

[Kevin screaming]

[Clancy] Uh...

[upbeat electronic music playing]

[Mim] Um...

What?

-Kevin? -Kevin?

-Kev? -[mechanism clanking]

Kevin?

Oh, yeah.

I don't think your mom was just a regular smash-and-grab thief.

-[softly] Yeah. -I saw this bad boy on Forza Horizon!

-What? -[Kevin] Like the rarest car ever!

Can't believe Nana and Grampy have one of these!

[squeaking]

Whoa!

Dude there's, like, a lot of handcuffs in here.

OK, OK. [gasps]

Your mom is getting cooler by, like, the second.

[Clancy] Is this hers?

Whoa! Look at this! Look, it's a lollipop knife!

Whoa!

[Clancy] What do we think?

Hmm?

-You need to take off that jacket. -[sighs]

-Because I'm falling in love with you. -[laughs]

What's this do?

-Let's not touch that! -[Lewis] Um, yeah.

-There's stuff in the pockets. -What?

-[Mim gasps] -[Clancy] Oh, my God! Is that my mom?

-[Mim] Oh! -She won't even let me dye my hair.

What is...?

-Who's William? -[Clancy] I don't know.

It's missing the last digit of his phone number.

There's an address. Maybe we can find him there.

It's all the way in the city, though.

How are we gonna get there? None of us have a license.

Honestly, even if we did, Cape traffic on Friday is a nightmare.

-That's, like, three hours. -But it's only 30 nautical miles.

Junior Marine Biologist Camp.

Thirty miles. We could do that, right?

Oh, but we need a boat.

I know someone who has a boat.

-No. -Yeah.

-No. -Yes.

-Mim! -Clancy!

-Are you insane? -Are you insane?

We're doing this.

-Mim, you know I can't do this. -We have to! You have to do this!

-You're crazy! -[in Spanish] Shut up!

[in English] It's to save your parents.

And maybe to get a boyfriend.

I'm not doing this.

Boys, you comin'?

Yeah, we're just gettin' some gear.

OK, how about this?

-[Lewis] It's just a pen. -Ah, you're right. I'll go put it back.

A pen that shoots lasers!

Score!

Put that thing down, OK? Quit touching stuff! Let's go!

[Lewis] We might need this.

How you gonna get us to Boston? You have your permit, not your license.

You've driven dad's van twice, and almost killed us twice.

OK, I did not almost kill us…

the second time.

It's fine! I got this. I'm a great driver.

Also, that wig is awful. Please take it off.

Oh, you're right. I don't look good as a redhead.

-Hey! -Oh, what's this button do?

-[girls] No-- -[engine roars]

-[Clancy] What? -[automated voice] Predator mode engaged.

State your destination.

-[Mim] What are you doing? -[Clancy] Kevin! Oh my God!

Are you guys kid--

[up-tempo rap music plays]

[all screaming]

Slow down!

I'm not doing anything! It's, like, driving by itself!

I'm not allowed to drive in Predator mode!

[girls screaming]

I'm too handsome to die!

[all screaming]

[panting] OK... OK. [clears throat]

We're good, we're good. [sighs] OK.

-[distant party music] -[Mim] Oh my God!

-No, Kevin, why are you getting out? -We're coming!

-[screams] -[Clancy] You're not.

-Stay here! -It's dark outside.

And don't push any more buttons. OK?

-[Kevin] But it's dark! -We need to go.

-["D.Y.T." by NVDES playing] -[laughter and chatter]

♪ Do your, do your thing ♪

♪ Do your, do your, do your thing ♪

Oh my God, there's so many people.

[loud indistinct chatter]

Mim. Whoa, Mim, what are you doing?

-We have to figure out what to say-- -We'll say, "Give us your boat."

-You can't just go-- -Act natural.

-No! I'll embarrass myself. -Have fun! It's fine.

[Clancy muttering]

[Mim] Travis.

Hey. You came.

Hey.

Cool party. [laughs]

Thanks.

OK, we need to get to Boston.

-What? -[Emma] Well, well, well.

If it isn't Clancy Finch.

Didn't think you had it in you to show up to a seniors' party.

I just thought, once a band nerd, always a band nerd.

-Hey, Mim, nice outfit. -Really? Yours is terrible.

-Mm... Thanks. -[Kevin] Hey! What's up?

[girl] Hey, little man, what's up?

My God. Did you bring your little brother to the party?

-[Kevin] Call me. -[Emma] So weird.

How'd you get here? Your mom drop you off?

No, she got kidnapped by ninjas.

And she drove us here in a super cool car.

[chuckles] Wait. Aren't you the dancing dork from the bathroom?

[giggling]

[giggles] Yeah, he's so weird.

Alright.

OK. Hi. Hello. Yeah, we need to get across the bay to the city. It's urgent.

You can't just drive across the bay at night.

Yuh-huh. Me and my brothers go across all the time to go night fishing.

-It's totally cool. -Yeah, we could take you. Right, Joey?

Whatever then. Have fun with band nerd and the freak fest.

Love you, too.

-We're gonna prep the boat now. -[Clancy] OK.

You go "prep the boat."

[giggles]

Uh, do you guys have proper flotation safety devices?

-[Travis] Definitely not. -[Joey] No.

Alright, here's what's gonna happen. Baxter will run intel. I'm interference.

You two, Count and Countess Van Der Holt of Belgium…

secure the crown.

Escape routes are here on the east side through the ladies' room vents.

Get the Queen there and the crown's an easy grab.

You got rid of your tattoo?

A tattoo? You said that was a birthmark.

You both had the same tattoo?

-Um... -[woman] Get ready.

Wheels up in ten.

-Honey, you said that was a birthmark. -I didn't know what to tell you.

-I'm sorry. -The...

-You thinking the Vermeer in Dubai? -[Margot] Exactly.

Make the Queen sick, corner her in the bathroom.

[Ron] Dubai?

You... you went to Dubai?

OK, that's it!

I wanna know what the both of you are involved in, right now!

-Rob… -Ron.

OK.

Look, we were just a couple of dumb broke kids

looking for a bigger life and... I just wanted it the easy way.

I got us involved with Jean-Paul Deauxville.

Jean-Paul... [garbling].

-Jean-Paul Deauxville. -Jean-Paul... [garbling].

-Deauxville. -Jean-Paul... [garbling].

-OK. -I'm saying what you're saying.

Yeah, close enough.

He's a very dangerous, very connected man. Big-time smuggler and trafficker.

You guys are smugglers?

Of... drugs?

[Margot] No, honey, don't worry. Nothing like that.

I was a thief of expensive things.

Very expensive things.

Priceless artifacts we'd sell on the black market.

Mathilde… was the best of the best.

[Margot chuckles] OK, that's not-- I was not the best.

You stole the Sultan of Brunei's favorite polo pony during the polo match.

[Margot chuckles] OK. Well, yeah, that… that was good.

-[Leo laughing] -[Margot laughing]

[Ron laughing]

What a fun walk down memory lane,

when you both were big fat lying smugglers.

-Y-y-you're right, Ross. -My name is Ron!

The point is, it was dangerous and illegal.

-It was all my fault. -Ron.

-[Margot] We were wrong. -[Leo] You opened my eyes.

She convinced me that we had to get out. Witness Protection was the only option.

[Margot] Our testimonies put Jean-Paul behind bars, where he belongs.

We did the right thing.

[sighs]

Wow.

But it cost me everything.

[sighs]

I'm coming with you.

-What? -I'm going with you.

-I'm not gonna leave you-- -No! Absolutely not. It's too dangerous.

-No, he could be useful. -Thank you.

-As a diversion. -Oh!

Especially if another situation like Romania happens.

-Romania? When did you go to Romania? -Honey, no--

Listen. Hear that?

It's a helo. We're taking a helo. You don't have Dramamine.

-What about your motion sickness? -I don't get motion sickness. This is...

[Margot] Yes, you do.

Remember, in the cabin, throwing up for four days on the cruise?

For the last time, that was the King Neptune's potato salad.

You don't make a mayonnaise-based side dish,

leave it out for six hours and expect no repercussions.

Guys, I'm really at home on the open water! Loving this.

-Is he OK? -He gets seasick like his dad.

[man] U.S. Coast Guard.

Cut your engine and prepare for immediate boarding of your vessel.

-Repeat, U.S. Coast Guard. Cut your... -[siren blaring]

[Clancy] Uh, Travis, what's happening?

I don't exactly have my license, so, uh… we might get arrested now.

-What? -What do you mean we might get arrested?

We can't get arrested! We have to find my mom!

We can stall them, say we were messing around, got lost.

You guys can swim.

-I mean… -No way!

I-I we don't have a choice, guys!

It's dark so they won't see you, but you gotta hurry.

OK.

Are there things in there that can, like, eat us?

-No. -Come on, you guys gotta go.

Clancy, what are you doing?

-[Clancy] We have to do this, guys. -No! Don't!

Wow.

-Guys, come on. -[Lewis screams]

-[Clancy] Hurry! Jump! -I don't think I can, Kev.

We can do this, together.

-[Clancy] Hurry! Jump! -It'll be fine.

-[man] This is the U.S. Coast Guard. -Come on, guys. Hurry up!

-[siren blaring] -[Kevin] You got this, Mim.

One. Two…

[whimpers]

-Three! -[Mim screams]

[siren blaring]

[jingle continues]

♪ We won't leave until we get some So bring them right here ♪

♪ Buh, buh, buh... ♪

I never understood that.

They come, sing carols, demand cookies, they don't leave until they get 'em.

Where's the Christmas spirit in that? It's just plain extortion.

-Do you know what I mean? -[growls]

OK, calm down. We are gonna be friends.

Right? We're fr...

Oh, look.

Ha! Cupcakes, huh?

You want cupcakes? Let's get some cupcakes.

Get that... [grunts]

-No! -[dog barks]

There will be a receiving line

for the King and Queen in the grand ballroom.

Leo, you install the poison strip on Mathilde's right palm.

Mathilde, once you shake the Queen's hand and transfer the poison to her,

the oils will absorb into her skin.

You'll have approximately three minutes before she gets sick.

She won't die, but she'll feel pretty awful for a while.

Make sure nothing and no one besides the Queen touches that right hand.

Honey, are you sure you're alright?

That helicopter ride really did a number on you.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

-Are you sure you're OK? -No, I'm-I'm totally fine. I'm...

[retches]

-Are you gonna... -[swallows]

[burps] Yeah, I swallowed it.

[burps and blows]

I just need bread to settle my stomach. They're gonna have food at this thing?

Uh, we're not really going to have time to eat tonight, Roy.

Yeah, Ron!

It's Ron, Leo.

And I'm not talking about a sit-down dinner, Leo, OK?

I'm talking about appetizers, or like, a little dip.

You know, I just think it's real interesting

that you happen to find

a sleek-fitting tuxedo in that bag of yours,

but here I am, looking like…

like a hobo's butler.

Oh, and it's hot like a Berber carpet.

[Leo] You know what?

Next time the three of us plan a heist together,

I'll make sure we pack more options for you, Raj.

At this point, I know you know that it's Ron.

["Setting It Off" by Skeewiff playing]

♪ 'Cause I'm settin' it off Get ready ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm about to take off No stoppin'... ♪

[indistinct shouting]