Original subtitles

>> Hey, guys.

I'm Ed Bassmaster and you may

have seen me on YouTube.

The Looney Wheels.

And that is me.

>> What are you talking about?

>> I'm a bush!

That's me too.

The crawfish here is amazing

>> Yeah.

>> I just ordered it.

When I see a car like this,

the first thing I do is, I say,

would you look at this?

Yeah all of those guys

are me.

>> Ed Bassmaster!

You're my favorite.

>> I have almost a billion views

on the internet and now I'm

going to take what I do

to television.

This is

"The Ed Bassmaster Show."

Hey, guess who is running

security over at the convention

center today.

This guy.

Ah, ow!

Shampoo in my eye.

Yeah, roger that.

When you are finished go ahead

and copy, okay?

You guys taking the escalator?

>> Yes, sir.

>> This is a DUI checkpoint.

We are not allowed to let

anybody ride the escalator that

is under the influence

of alcohol.

>> Oh.

>> Yeah, it's the new Texas law.

I'm gonna need you to submit to

a breathalyzer test before you

get into the escalator.

Who's next?

>> Me.

>> You guys had any alcohol

this evening?

>> Nope.

>> Want to prove it?

>> Yup.

>> You know what to do.

Good.

All right, drive safe.

You smell fine.

You smell fine.

You guys with them?

All right, you're going to have

to take the elevator.

>> We'll take the--

We'll all take the elevator.

>> You'll all take the elevator?

State of Texas, we cannot

allow one to ride mechanical

device such as this, such as

an escalator.

So disregard him, he's--

The police are waiting for him

at the top of the steps.

He's going to jail.

They're waiting for you

at the top, sir.

Trust me on that deal.

Uh, you just broke it, thanks,

but anyhow...

You just be honest with me, sir,

I'm not gonna--

>> No, no, no.

I was in the concert and I had

a couple of drinks.

>> And you had a couple?

You're not getting behind

the wheel, are you?

>> No sir.

>> You have a great night.

>> You take it easy.

>> Go drink up, drink as much

as you want.

Sir, this is a DUI checkpoint..

>> Oh, no, man.

Ya'll playing.

(laughter)

**

(farting)

(farting, chuckling)

(farting)

>> You, too.

Come here.

(farting, laughing)

(farting)

(farting)

Here you go, puppy.

(farting)

Huh?

It's okay.

>> Huh?

>> It's not real. (farting)

It's not real. (farting)

See, it's okay.

(farting)

Brett Sellars out here

in the park, folks.

We just got word in,

a shocking story going on

right now in the park.

There's a guy going around

the park actually farting

on dogs

and he farted

on this guy's dog and his dog

has not moved since in the last

20 minutes.

Could you kind of just go--

Could you kind of just go with

it and say you just witnessed it

for us?

>> Okay.

>> Thank you.

Brett Sellars here.

We just stopped one of the eye

witnesses of the dog

farting attack.

Uh, what happened, pal?

>> It was horrible.

I think I am going to have

nightmares for the rest of

my life.

>> Could you--

Could you explain to us

what happened?

And try to make it

sound real if you can.

>> Yeah.

I was walking alone with my

dogs, minding my own business,

and all of a sudden this dude

stop and lean over,

bend over like squat,

and farted on the dog's nose.

The poor dog was just frozen

there and I was just, like,

protecting my dog, like, please

don't do that to my child.

>> Could you tell us what he

looked like?

>> He was bald, very scary,

with tattoos.

Fat.

>> Fat?

>> Yeah.

>> So he probably had a Mexican

lunch and just letting it loose

on the dogs.

Anyhow, so then what

happened next?

>> Well, the dog just started

shivering and shaking and he

was just paralyzed.

And then he--

He just saw me with my dogs

and and run towards me and I was

just pushing him and tried to

get him out of my way, but--but

he was just so fat and big and

he would try to steal my dog and

I was just, like, please stop.

>> So it this your revenge

for the fart?

Thank you, Rob, we appreciate

your time.

>> So where do you keep home?

>> Well, home is where

the heart is.

Right now it's in

Brentwood, Tennessee.

>> I'm gonna put you on.

>> You're gonna put--

>> I'm gonna put you on,

I'm gonna make you a star.

I'm gonna make you a star.

>> Boy, I wish somebody would.

>> I'm gonna help you out.

>> I've been--

For 60 years, I've been trying

to do that.

>> You can try and do it, well,

guess what?

It's your time to shine,

young man.

>> My time.

Hot diggity-dog.

>> Hot diggity-doo.

>> How's it going?

>> It jubbles.

>> Every day?

>> It doubles and mubbles, yeah.

>> Mumbles, huh?

>> Yeah.

>> Well--

>> Do you do a double-double?

>> Well, it's time for

the paw-paws to pop,

the eavesdrop to drop,

the katydids to whistle in

the old tree top

and the old cow get up

and gently walk away

and Bartledoo here,

I don't know what we're gonna do

with him.

But doodle-doo-doo, whatever he

wants to do, we'll do.

>> Bartledoo.

No pet too small!

Are you tired of having your pet

turned away from veterinarians

because they don't size up?

I'm Dr. Verne

and I believe all pets

deserve proper medical care,

no matter how small they are.

Here at our state-of-the-art

animal care facility,

we are equipped to treat

the smallest of pets,

because even mealworms

get heartworm.

Bring in your grasshopper and

I'll give him the vaccination

shots it needs.

Snail with a broken shell?

We can fix that.

I specialize in resetting broken

ant legs.

Treating your pocket-sized pet

will cost you just

pocket change.

No pet too small.

Somebody get me a defibrillator

and 50 milliliters of adrenal!

Clear!

(paddles zap, cricket chirping)

**

Dr. Verne here.

Animal lover and veterinarian

and today we are

going to be interviewing

new assistants.

Let's go save some lives.

>> I don't have any

hands-on experience.

>> That's fine, listen...

That's right.

Right here, right here.

>> I already like you.

>> You know what I mean?

It don't matter.

Hey.

Howdy, howdy, howdy.

Set him up here.

>> Her name is Petunia.

We're having a problem with

fleas, a lot of irritation.

>> Fleas?

>> Hi, Petunia.

>> Petunia, Petunia.

>> Petunia, come here.

>> Let me see.

>> Lift Petunia up and swing her

down here to me.

Yeah, you can smell it.

Yeah, this thing is coated.

You might want to back off hon'.

He's got some eggs all over him.

>> Okay, all right.

>> So what's going on

with Snowball?

>> He's been real

lethargic lately.

Just not wanting to move

around much.

>> Turn around and get him out

for me.

If you wouldn't mind, just,

could we just get snowball up on

Matthew's shoulders so I--

it might be easier for me to

examine him that way.

How is he doing with

his walking?

>> He don't want to anymore.

>> So you're not walking him?

>> No, not really getting

a chance to.

>> That might be the problem.

I think what we need to do

is get him fitted with a leash.

>> Okay.

>> Yeah.

There we go.

Right over here, guys.

Come over here, Matthew, on this

side if you wouldn't mind.

Tell the snake to heel,

just like a dog.

>> Heel.

Heel.

>> Heel, damn it.

>> Hello, Mike.

Come on in.

>> Hi.

>> Hi.

>> Michael has hip dysplasia.

Are you familiar with

hip dysplasia?

>> In a dog, yeah.

>> Right, right.

Well, humans can get it, too.

And you seen them

doggy wheelchairs?

>> Yeah.

>> We designed one for Michael.

We're gonna get you

set up today.

>> Thank you.

>> All right.

Kara, that's Michael's

device right there,

the green one.

If you can grab that and bring

that out for us, Kara.

Michael, step around the back.

Just get him strapped

in there, please.

>> All right.

>> Kara.

Talk to him like a puppy.

It's--

We've been doing it for years.

Good boy, good boy.

>> Good boy.

>> Try it out.

>> Gosh.

(Michael chuckling)

>> Now there--

That's beauty.

Go ahead up front, Michael.

I gotta let you know, uh...

We're shooting a hidden

camera show.

>> Oh, no!

My gosh, I knew it, I knew it!

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

Oh!

(growling)

>> Zombie Drive thru prank.

Let's go.

>> Oh, my God.

>> How you doing, boss?

(growling)

>> Oh, my God.

>> How you doing?

>> Oh, my God.

You scared the (bleep)

out of me.

>> Welcome to Mo's.

What's up, man?

Thanks, man.

Red cup.

What's going on, guys?

Alcohol?

>> No.

>> No?

Tobacco?

You guys drinking?

>> We're waiting for our ticket.

>> You're waiting for a ticket?

You haven't had any booze?

>> Not really.

>> Do you guys have any booze

on you?

>> No, sir.

>> I'm trying to get some.

You don't have any?

>> No.

>> Okay.

You guys have any weed on you,

by any chance?

Okay, all right.

Yeah, copy that.

I'm coming down

and I'm coming down hard.

You got your credentials?

I'm just checking up.

Good, good.

Any problems over here?

No problems?

For the (bleeps)

that want to drink alcohol,

I'm giving a breathalyzer to.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, I'll take one, actually.

(chuckles)

Thanks, buddy.

There you go, boss.

All right, thanks.

**

Did you need something?

>> I'm waiting for my wife to

get out of the ladies room.

>> Gotcha.

You guys had any alcohol?

>> What's that?

>> Have you had any alcohol

this evening?

All right, well,

this is DUI checkpoint.

If you flee the scene I'm going

to have to--

>> Okay.

>> You're fleeing the scene?

Okay, great.

I got one fleeing the scene.

I got one fleeing the scene,

he didn't submit.

You down there?

Hey!

He's waiting for you.

**

>> Hey, guys, Emilio here

and today I am interviewing wait

staff for the new restaurant,

Wood Peckerz.

Would you just look at it?

(laughs)

How are you? Emilio.

>> Good.

>> Nice to meet you.

>> Good, you too.

>> Welcome to Wood Peckerz.

We hire out male staff and we

like to have fun and let loose

here, if you know what I mean.

>> Okay.

>> So, think of it as, like,

objectifying men instead women.

You know what I mean?

You know, why can't we make some

money out of getting our

asses grabbed?

(laughs) You know what I mean,

you know?

>> Right.

>> You know, we do our little

routine every 20 minutes.

>> All right.

>> Where we just play music like

out of our PA and it's great

for tips.

>> Yes, it is.

>> And that all depends

on your performance. (laughs)

>> I love your laugh.

>> Thanks.

Would you mind getting changed

into one of our uniforms?

And then we'll just do some

role playing?

>> Okay.

>> Look at that.

All right!

There you go.

When the music drops, you drop

what you are doing and you

do your routine.

Every 20 minutes, this is what's

gonna go on.

(dance music playing)

And it's the...

That's the signature

woodpecker move.

Wood Peckerz.

You nailed it! (laughs)

We need to let

you know something.

>> Yeah, this is some kind

of joke.

>> Yeah, yeah.

(laughter)

>> And you were awesome.

Welcome to Nashville.

Let's go scare some people,

come on.

**

(grunting)

(Ed barks)

>> Oh (bleep)!

>> I...

I am!

Sorry about that.

I didn't want him to pee on--

I didn't want him to pee on me,

that's all.

(dog and Ed barking)

I'm a bush, buddy.

(bleeps)

(startled shout, laughter)

I got him! (laughing)

I got your brother!

(Ed barking)

It's me, I'm a bush.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I don't want no trouble,

I don't want no trouble.

(chatter)

(sneezes)

(women screaming)

Yo, this is Ronny!

I'm going to do

some landscaping.

Come on, over to the golf course

with me, y'all.

(leaf blower blowing)

Just so you guys can see

the ball, you know what I mean?

I'll help you.

Team effort.

Team effort, right?

>> There you go.

>> You guys have a good one.

All right.

There you go-- Oh!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah, you see that?

>> Got a birdie.

(distant laughter)

>> Can you take off the shades?

>> Yeah, what's up?

>> You're Ed Bassmaster,

aren't you?

Holy (bleep).

All right, wait-wait.

Mm.

I'm your biggest fan.

>> Yeah?

All right, dog.

>> That's my hero.

>> Hey.

Yo, this your boy

always Teste.

And today I just a got a new job

riding one of those jones called

a Pedicab.

I'm gonna be picking people up

and take 'em to my pawn shop,

so let's go.

I was born to ride.

Hold on, 'cause y'all in

for a ride. (laughs)

All right, here we go,

here we go.

>> How long have you been

in Nashville?

>> About eight days.

>> Eight days?

>> Yeah, I just moved out here.

Now I'm just chilling, man.

I take my time.

(police sirens wailing)

Watch out for them cops.

Where'd they go?

Yeah, so I do a side job--

I do--

I got a pawn shop on the side.

>> A pawn shop?

>> Yeah.

That's why I get a little

nervous when I see them lights.

(laughs)

When customers leave stuff

behind, I just put it in

that bag.

Can you grab that?

Yeah, check it out.

>> Nah, that's all right.

>> Hand me that bag, dog.

Please.

>> I ain't touching

that bag, man.

>> You ain't--

You scared of the bag?

>> Hell yeah, I'm scared

of the bag. (laughing)

>> Dude left a pair of Raybans

on here.

This I know ain't real, but it

still look tight.

I like that.

>> Let's bounce.

>> Yo, my man, you want to

get anything?

>> No, I'm good.

>> You sure?

>> Yeah, I'm good.

>> Ring for your girl?

>> Nope, good.

Ready? Ready?

>> Yeah.

>> All right, let's go.

>> Y'all gotta go?

>> Yep, we're out.

>> Oh.

You sure you don't want

a ride back?

>> We're sure.

>> You don't want to partner up

and see if we can get rid of

this stuff?

Will you at least--

Will you at least sign to be in

"The Ed Bassmaster Show"?

Yo, what's up man?

>> I knew it, I knew it.

>> You guys can get a ride back.

None of this stuff

is stolen, dude.

It's for my new show.

>> Yeah, I know.

I figured, I figured, I figured,

I figured.

>> Yeah.

>> Just in case though.

>> I know, you--

>> Just in case.

>> It started getting a little

sketchy, he's like, let's go,

we're out of here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, partner.

(mumbling incoherently)

>> What's that?

(Ed mumbling incoherently)

>> Hey.

Crab on stink?

Bartledoo.

>> What?

>> Bartledoo.

(mumbling incoherently)

Right here.

Come on over.

(mumbling incoherently)

(laughing)

No, I got to write you

a citation.

That shirt is too bright.

Make me fly off my horse.

Hey!

Slow down.

(mumbling incoherently)

>> Yeah.

>> (mumbling incoherently)

Flip flops?

You could hurt your toes.

>> Um, it depends the way

you run.

(mumbling incoherently)

How many?

>> How many lace up over

your toes?

(horse whinnying)

Not you, I'm talking to him.

And I'ma write you up

for $5,000.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a bright shirt,

I gotta do it.

That's right, who's in charge

here now, poop?

Give me the scoop.

Oh, wait, can you pull my--

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Get--

Go ahead, go.

Hyah!

(mumbling incoherently)

Bret Sellars here, folks.

Okay, so we are live here in

the park, folks.

There is, believe it or not,

a sick individual going around

farting on dogs, yeah.

There's a guy going around

apparently farting on dogs.

The problem is that the three

victims and their dogs have

since left the park.

I can't go back to the news room

without a story.

So if maybe if you could,

I don't know, sort of say, like,

you witnessed the attack

of this man.

Brett Sellars here, we're on the

scene with Tony who, in fact,

just witnessed the farting on

dogs incident.

Tony, how are you today?

>> I'm doing great, thanks.

Okay, thanks for giving us your

account on the story,

if you could.

>> Yeah, certainly.

I was out here walking a couple

of my dogs and there was this

dude over here, he was bald,

tattoos, big brolic guy,

and I'm like--

I just noticed he was getting

a little too friendly

with the dogs, he was petting,

but then he turned around

and squats,

I'm like, I s he taking a deuce

or something?

This guy was actually farting

on dogs.

I'm like, what are you doing?

I go over to him, I ask him.

I'm like, uh, dude,

what's going on here?

He's like, oh, the dog just

wanted to sniff my butt.

It's like, that--

That's not what people do with

dogs and stuff.

I'm like, you know, it's a dog.

Dogs sniff each other's butts.

That's gross.

>> So you were pretty--

Yeah.

>> He didn't think there was

anything wrong with it at all.

He thought it was

perfectly fine.

It's ridiculous, quite frankly.

>> Preposterous.

Was there a smell?

>> There was quite a bit of an

odor to it.

I mean, I was kind of

sickened myself.

The dogs didn't seem to mind too

much, but you know.

>> Is there anything else you

would like to add to the story?

>> Just watch out for guys

farting on your dogs.

It's not cool.

(steam hissing)

(lips smacking)

>> Hi.

Hey, guys.

Bushman here.

Say hi, guys.

(chuckles)

Hey.

Hey, don't do that.

Go sit down.

How you doing, boss?

>> It's the bushman.

>> Hey, man, question for you.

What's the best fertilizer

you guys got?

Like, as you can see

I'm a little underweight here.

Ahh.

Stay hydrated, my friends.

Hello.

>> Oh!

>> How are you?

>> Oh, my God.

>> I'm right here.

I'm a bush.

>> Scared the crap out--

>> Oh, sorry about that.

Hey.

Guess what kind of bush I am?

>> A... ficus.

>> Good.

Good call.

High five.

All right, dude.

Have a good one.

(cell phone ringing)

Hey.

Nothing, I'm at work.

No, I'm going home, dude.

I'm bushed.

All right, bud.

Later.

**

>> Reporting a story

in the park.

Uh, on a man whose dog had

apparently been farted upon

by a sick, twisted individual

who was roaming around the park,

farting on dogs, believe it

or not.

And the story got me worked up

and emotional to a point where

I actually had diarrhea

in my pants while

recording--reporting live.

Very embarrassing.

I was in the middle of the park.

I was wearing my--

You know, my light khakis.

That was a pretty good

story, right?

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