Original subtitles

>> Hey, guys.

I'm Ed Bassmaster and you may

have seen me on YouTube.

The looney wheels.

And that is me.

>> What are you talking about?

>> I'm a bush!

That's me, too.

The crawfish here is amazing.

>> Yeah.

>> I just ordered it.

When I see a car like this,

thing I do is I say,

"Would you look at this?"

Yeah, all of those guys are me.

>> Ed Bassmaster.

>> You're my favorite!

>> I have almost a billion views

on the internet and now I'm

going to take what I do

to television.

>> Shut up!

>> This is

"The Ed Bassmaster Show."

*

My name is Keith,

the sign spinner.

I'm out here at

Shurbrite Car Wash.

Jim's my new boss that's gonna

try to hire somebody to fire me,

but it's not gonna work.

>> Jacob?

Hey, come on in.

>> Hey.

>> Dustin?

Hey.

Nice to meet you.

You're interested in possibly

training to be

an assistant manager?

Is that correct?

>> Yes, sir.

>> We have a huge sale going on.

I don't know if you noticed

the guy out front.

>> I did.

>> We've had a little difficulty

with him.

He thinks he's an artist.

This is not performance art.

This is not a dance recital.

>> This is a job.

>> This is a job, exactly.

We have a certain procedure

that's been set up.

I need you to help convince him

to do what he needs to do,

'cause it's our car wash,

it's important.

It's very simple.

It's just three turns

to the left,

three to the right.

You see what he is doing?

He's not doing that, all right?

I don't want to let him go.

>> Okay.

>> Okay?

But if he doesn't do what he

does need to do, I'm gonna have

to let him go.

>> Okay.

>> Hey, man.

I actually just got hired out

here and Jim was just telling me

to stick with the...

>> Have you learned the routine?

>> Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Check it out, check it out.

>> Okay, can you show me?

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.

>> One, two, three.

I'm supposed to stay

with protocol,

but my thing is, like,

I got my own thing going.

I put a little twist on it,

so check it out.

That is so lame.

>> I know, and then they want us

to do a really big lunge.

>> Yeah, I know, lunge.

>> Like, a lunge, yeah.

>> Oh, yeah, that's exciting.

All right, I'll do it.

>> Thank you so much.

>> Three to the left.

One, two, three.

>> Yes.

>> Three to the right,

through three.

>> Good.

>> Big lunge.

Then kick it yo, dog,

check it out, yo!

Uhh!

Check it out, check it out,

yo, uhh!

Yeah!

I got 389 moves and this guy

wants me to show two of them.

You got--

Come on, admit it.

It's lame, right?

>> It's a little lame.

>> Okay, it just don't make

no sense.

>> Okay, okay, I will

communicate that.

>> Thank you, thank you.

>> What did he say?

>> Turn down for what?

>> Tell you what.

We have one of those

windsock guys.

You know what I'm talking about?

Take it out there, all right?

Let's see if that gets

his attention.

>> Coming off like that!

What is that?

>> That's one of those

wacky, waving...

>> You trying to replace me?

Yo!

What's up, dog?

What you got?

What you got?

Wanna dance?

>> I need you to use the sign...

>> Sure.

>> ... and go through the

routine that we said.

>> Right.

>> All right.

>> Three to the left.

>> Right.

Three to the right.

>> Three to the right.

Back up off me!

>> I'm right here.

Just tell him that we're gonna

have to let him go.

>> Okay.

We're going to have to let you

go, okay?

>> (rapping) Let it go, dog!

Let it go!

>> No, that--

>> Let it go, dog!

>> No, that's not what I mean.

>> Let it go!

>> I mean, we gotta get rid

of you.

>> Let it go, dog! Let it go!

>> Do you understand that that

means that we--

We no longer going to have you

working for today,

working this position.

>> Who said that?

>> I'm communicating to

you that--

>> Nothing against you, hon'.

You're a really nice gal,

but you could tell him that

I ain't interested in

the bull (bleep).

Tell him.

>> I'm sorry, we need you to

leave, though.

>> Okay.

Can I bring my crew?

>> What is this?

Shut up!

>> I'm sorry but I'm not sorry.

>> I am going to kill you.

>> Brett Sellars here.

We're live at the park were

apparently there is a sandwich

thief on the loose.

We're going to try to find out

if anybody had witnessed these

sandwich thieveries.

Were you here when it happened,

or...?

>> No.

>> Oh, could you still go along

with it? I need to get a story

either way.

>> Absolutely. Okay.

>> Could you make it sound like

you really were a victim?

>> I'll do my best.

>> Thank you.

All right, can we roll?

Okay, folks.

Brett Sellars here back on

the scene with Scott.

Scott, tell us what happened?

>> I was sitting there eating

my quinoa goat cheese vegetable

sandwich and I took a bite,

some of the quinoa

dripped down and a man

came over and said,

I'll clean that up for you,

and as I looked down,

the other person

behind them just took my

sandwich and I--

Before I knew that I was

a victim of crime, it was all

done, it was all gone.

>> There you have it.

I hope things work out better

for you in your next picnic.

Best of luck, thank you.

Back to you.

Yo, what's up?

This is Ronny and I just got

a real important job over at

the bowling alley working

in the snack bar.

So I'm going to hop in

the shower and wash my hair up

for you ladies.

Come on out and say hello.

>> What's up, partner?

>> Can I get a...

>> And some nachos?

>> Yes, sir.

>> All righty.

All right,

and I'll be right with you with

your nachos, boss.

All right.

There you go.

Oh, hold on.

Wait a second, let go.

>> Oh.

>> What the heck?

Something...

Hold up.

The heck is that?

Are you kidding me?

That's a hair.

Oh, no.

No, no.

No, that's gross man.

All right,

you're all good, champ.

Let me get your Gatorade.

>> Um...

I think I'm good on the nachos.

>> You don't want the nachos?

>> Nah, I think I'm good

on those.

>> Nah, it's good,

I took it out.

>> Mm-mmm.

>> Yeah, I pulled it out.

They're fine, they're good.

You don't want them?

Look I'll try one.

They're probably good,

it's just a hair.

(chip crunching)

I have long hair.

(customer laughs)

They're good.

>> Yeah.

>> A little hair won't hurt you.

>> No problem.

Thank you.

>> Extra protein, right?

Okay.

Hey, guys.

Merry Christmas!

Ho Ho...

(farting)

Whoa.

(farting)

>> Oh, excuse me.

You like that one, hon'?

(farting)

(farting, relieved sigh)

(farting)

(farting)

(farting)

Excuse me, bud, can you hold

these for one second?

I just got to grab something.

Thanks.

I'm Skippy.

Just one sec, I'm sorry.

I can't do it at the same time.

>> All right, man.

>> Hi, Grandma, it's Skippy.

Can you hear me?

Huh?

Grandma.

Let me move to get some

reception, I can't hear you.

Can you hear me?

How about now can you hear me

or no?

Hello, Grandma?

Because it will shrink.

I know.

That's why.

You know, she's been--

She's been trying to lose weight

for 12 months now.

No, he didn't sell me that.

I knew he was trying to sell it,

but, he's got to put it

on Craigslist.

He's got to put it on

the Internet.

If he puts it on the Internet,

he'll be able to sell it.

Hold on, one sec, one sec.

>> I gotta go.

>> You got to go?

>> Yeah, I gotta go.

>> Okay, Grandma, listen,

Grandma.

Uh, I have to let you go.

Okay.

Okay.

Right, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

I'm just in the park.

My balloons.

Thanks, buddy!

(bleep)

How you doing, bud?

I'm bushman.

(both laughing)

I got you, pal.

*

Would you look at that?

I got a new selfie stick.

Just look at it.

Oh, would you just look

at it this?

We are getting a trio.

>> Hi.

>> Hi.

>> Oh, look at this I'm getting

my caricature done.

Look, ladies.

Aren't I gorgeous?

Oh, would you look at that.

CIA?

>> No.

>> FBI?

>> No, no, no.

>> You're not

from the intelligence agency?

>> No.

Indonesia.

>> Indonesia. Okay, oh,

would you look at that?

I would love to go there one day

and look at it. Yeah.

(laughter)

Can I look at yet?

I just want to look at it.

I can't look at it yet?

>> Two minutes.

>> Okay, two minutes,

two minutes.

Look at this.

Oh, look at that.

Look at that, behind the back,

look at that.

Oh, look at that.

Look--

Oh.

Oh, my--

Around and around,

did you see that?

That was great.

Would you look at this?

Welcome to

Single&Ready2Mingle,

a video dating service.

Hello, my name

is Girard Douché

and I was put on this planet

for the women,

so please help yourself.

I drive a two-seated sports car.

One seat for me, one for you.

If you have a beautiful friend,

we have plenty of trunk.

I'm looking for a girl like take

care of me like Mama Sugar.

I like to draw picture.

I can draw picture of you in

the nude, if you like.

I can dance for you.

Today I have hired

someone to supervise a mover

while he packs up my stuff.

What this unsuspecting person

don't know

is the mover they are about to

deal with is a little on edge.

What's up, man?

>> How are you, man?

>> Zack?

>> Yep.

>> Ed. Nice to meet you,

come on in.

Just shut that behind you,

if you don't mind.

I'm actually going to take

off and he should be here in

like five, ten minutes.

>> Okay.

>> Just-- I just want him to be

careful with everything too,

that's another thing.

Kind of like--

I don't want him coming in like

a bulldozer, you know?

All right, dude.

(doorbell rings)

I'm going to set up my coffee

station up here

if you don't mind.

>> Do whatever you gotta do.

>> 'Cause I drink a lot of

coffee, so.

Actually, this is my second.

>> More power to you, then.

>> Yeah.

What's your name again?

>> Zack.

>> Zack.

>> What's your name again?

>> Just call me Shakey.

>> Shakey.

>> This one, I'll start

loading up.

Uh...

(packing tape stretching)

>> It's hard to do this

one hand.

>> Oh, yeah, totally.

>> One man down.

>> Why don't you put down

the coffee for one second?

>> I--

When I have to have my su--

It's like an insulin shot.

When I have to be--

All right, I can put it down,

if it makes you happy.

>> Yeah. No, I mean, whatever.

>> Ah... there.

Let me wrap these glasses

and get these out of the way.

Scoop the rest up.

>> I got it, I got it.

>> We gotta wrap it--

>> Oh.

My bad, sorry.

>> Dude, come on.

(glass shatters)

>> Mm, ah... I'm sorry.

>> All right, let's put

the coffee down.

>> I apologize, I apologize.

>> Put the coffee down.

>> Slow down, Greg, slow down.

(laughing)

You know what I mean?

>> That's what coffee will do.

>> Oh, hide--

Hide that glass bag so

Ed doesn't see it.

>> What's that?

>> Oh, nothing.

I got to take a break.

Oh!

I put my thumb right through it.

I put my thumb right through it.

Just leave it in the couch.

>> Nope.

I'm pretty sure he wants you to

be done by the time--

>> Oh!

Oh, crap.

Oh, crap, oh, crap.

>> Okay, now we got to tell

him something.

>> I'll get glue, I got glue in

my truck.

>> Glue?

No, I don't think glue is gonna

fix this.

>> Hey, I fixed the couch!

>> Come on, man!

What are you doing?

>> It's back to normal!

Problem solved.

Pillow upside down, duh.

The oldest trick

in the book dude.

We don't mention that.

If he smells it a week later,

so what?

We're gone.

We're setting sail.

Woo.

I wasn't gonna tell you,

'cause I don't want to get into

trouble, but whoopsie.

I'm probably gonna get in

trouble for this one.

No doubt.

You're going to get mad at me.

Come here.

Are you pranking me?

Are you pranking him?

Are you pranking him?

Are you're being pranked?

Zack!

Skippy here,

and today I'm making sure

everybody knows how delicious

cheese balls are.

>> Hi.

>> Hi. How are you?

>> I'm good.

>> You're a mess.

>> Yeah, I can't stop

eating them,

that's the problem.

Cheese ball, ma'am?

>> No.

>> Ma'am, if you're looking for

cheese balls, they're up here.

Cheese balls, ma'am?

Have some cheese balls while

you're waiting.

Cheese balls are awesome.

No charge.

That's my man.

>> You've got cheese

all over you.

>> Oh, that's the cheese balls.

These are good, try one.

Ready?

One, two three.

Yeah!

First try.

Potato skins.

Oh, they're okay.

Cheese balls are better.

You can eat those

on the way home.

Cheese ball?

>> I'm good on the balls.

Cheese balls.

>> Can I scan it for you?

>> Yes.

>> It's $2.29.

>> That's $2.35.

>> Okay, thanks.

Have a good day, sir.

I can't open the register.

Stucky!

I thought you was somebody else,

my bad.

Oh, don't leave me hanging.

Oh, fist bump, fist bump.

Don't leave me hanging.

Psh. Up high.

Down low elbow.

Elbow grease,

a little underneath.

Underneath the hood, up high.

Baked potato, baked potato.

Large fries.

Down low twinkle toes.

All right.

Baked potato, baked potato.

Hot potato, large fries.

Oh, what up?

Elbow.

Elbow.

Elbow, elbow.

Plow, plow.

Psh. (laughs)

Come on up.

Hit it high.

Chest pump.

What's up?

>> Chest bump?

>> All right, good dog.

Good looking out, dog.

Welcome to the New Orleans

cooking experience, I'm Emilio.

And today we're going to be

making some of my

signature dishes.

Let's get this party started.

>> What's you experience in

cooking, first of all?

>> Throw things together.

>> Yeah, not too much.

>> No chefs here, besides me?

(giggling)

Now, today we're going to start

with one of my personal

favorites, Emilio's crab cakes.

Okay?

Now, what's the key ingredient

in a crab cake?

>> (together) Crab.

>> Hello!

These are blue crabs, okay?

>> Oh.

>> Would you just look at that?

There's my little brother.

Would you look at that?

Can I get a hand over here.

Just look at it.

Look at that crab claw.

>> Just look at it.

>> Give him a hand!

Look at it.

Now the next dish we're gonna

move on to,

it's one of my specialties,

turtle soup.

Do you guys know how to chop an

onion properly?

>> No.

(overlapping chatter, laughter)

>> Okay.

Crash course in cutting

an onion.

Now, voila.

Look at this.

Look what I'm saying.

Just look at it.

Look at this.

Look at this.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Now...

(loud and fast chopping)

("Emilio" giggles)

Forgive me.

(sniffling, women laughing)

I can't go on.

I can't do this.

The key to a fresh soup is

your stock, so I created my own.

This particular stock has been

marinating for three years,

so we're gonna try to get some

of the gravel,

'cause the gravel--

that's gonna give it its flavor.

And it's a little crunchy.

Look at that.

Just look at that.

Is that not gorgeous

looking soup?

We're gonna move on.

Now, po' boys.

>> Ooh.

>> Ooh, tell me about it.

>> You can have, like,

fried shrimp or fried oysters.

>> Your standard po' boy, right?

I have my own signature po' boy

and I'm gonna to show you how

I did it.

This is our key ingredient.

Now my--

>> No!

>> My po' boy,

it's a Burmese python.

Come on.

>> Burmese python.

>> Delicious, if we can get him

on the bun.

Get him on the bun.

We're not gonna get him

in the oven

if we don't get him on the bun.

>> I'm sorry.

(python hissing)

>> Oh, he's hissing.

>> He's grumpy.

He woke up on the wrong side

of the bed.

Just look at him.

Look at him.

You gotta come look at him.

>> I'm going over there.

>> Look at the snake.

And I want you to look over

there at our cameras.

>> Wow, what?

>> There's a camera behind her.

There's one thee.

We're filming my show.

It's called

"The Ed Bassmaster Show."

Crew, everybody.

You guys did a great job.

>> Step right up to see

my magic show.

Pick a card, any card.

Show it to your friend.

Put it anywhere and then...

Hold on.

That's the joker card that comes

with the deck.

I forgot to take that out.

Sorry, hold on.

And these are

the instructional cards that

come with the deck.

As you can see, that's all

I am removing from the deck.

So I'm just doing some magic.

I'm kind of new at it, so.

If you wouldn't mind

picking a card.

Put that in your right

back pocket.

All right, so there's three

aces, there's one nine,

two nine, one ten.

It's a little bit harder than

I thought, please.

Do me a favor.

We'll cut right now.

Just tell me what the card was.

Nine of diamonds? Okay.

Show the guy next to you.

Don't show me.

What was that all about?

See you in a few.

All right, thank you.

Bye-bye.

Brett Sellars here, we just

ordered some food.

It's getting delivered,

when the delivery guy gets here,

we're gonna make him run through

an obstacle course.

Let's go.

Here we have--

Whoa, almost run me

down here, okay.

How are you doing, sir?

>> What's up?

D-Lo.

>> D-Lo?

We're here with D-Lo,

I'm your host Brett Sellars.

Welcome to

the food delivery challenge.

Point of the game, D-Lo,

is to get from here

to that door.

Do you think you can handle

the challenge?

>> Of course.

>> Okay, let's put this food

down in the ground and get

this started.

Line up right by the hula-hoops.

When I tell you to go,

you're gonna give me ten

rotations around the hula hoop.

All we ready, D-Lo?

Let's start the clocks.

Three.

Two.

Go!

Come on, D-Lo, pick up

the hula hoop.

Come on, spin it.

One, three, four, nine, ten,

drop the hula hoop.

Hop on the Brett express,

hop on.

All right, here we go,

around the cones.

Around the cones we go.

All right, head on the bat,

D-Lo.

Circle the bat ten times,

let's go.

One, two, three.

Excellent.

Okay, now hit the ball,

hit the ball!

Okay.

Nice try.

Let's get to our tug of war,

we have a tug of war here, D-Lo.

Let's go.

You versus Brett Sellars

on the tug of war.

Let's do it, come on!

Pull!

Oh, crap!

Oh, D-Lo!

>> I had to do it to you, man.

>> Through the cross line,

the finish line!

Through the finish line!

There we have it, folks.

D-Lo has completed the course

and taken first place.

D-Lo, that was amazing!

How do you feel?

What's going through your mind?

>> One of y'all owe me $11.

>> We owe the guy $11.

- Oh, no.

I do not like what I see.

I see...

a lot of fingerprints.

Open up a can of cat food.

[cats meowing]

Open up a can of cat food.

Open up a can of cat food.

Get off the counter!

Spit it right in the bucket.

Right in the bucket. There you go.

Go ahead.

Yo! Oh.

Dip.

Dip, dip, dip,

dip, drip.

Oh, [bleep].

Oh, whoa.

Sing a song about your

sandwiches being stolen.

>> * Well I was sitting there

* Eating my sandwich

* It was organic

* And gluten-free

* And then some

* Unfortunate person

* Took the sandwich

* Away from me

* I've eaten

* My last quinoa *

I'll never eat quinoa again.

>> Very touching, Scott.

Thank you.

That was amazing.

Best of luck, sir, best of luck.

Thank you, back to you.

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