Original subtitles

>> Hey, guys.

I'm Ed Bassmaster and you may

have seen me on YouTube.

The Looney Wheels.

And that is me.

>> What are you talking about?

>> I'm a bush!

That's me too.

The crawfish here is amazing.

>> Yeah.

>> I just ordered it.

When I see a car like this,

the first thing I do is I say,

"Would you look at this?"

Yeah, all of those guys are me.

>> Ed Bassmaster!

>> You're my favorite!

>> I have almost a billion views

on the Internet

and now I'm gonna take

what I do to television.

>> No way!

>> This is

"The Ed Bassmaster Show."

*

Merry Christmas!

(women screaming)

Welcome!

*

Merry Christmas!

Come on in.

More like scary Christmas.

I got you!

Merry Christmas, pal!

How are ya?

How you doing?

Welcome.

>> Isn't that cool?

>> This one?

>> Merry Christmas!

How are ya?

(women laughing)

>> That's so mean.

(bleep)

>> That was hilarious!

Good job.

Today I'm gonna be playing

Mumbles in a convenience store.

Bartle-do.

*

How you doing, pal?

>> I'm doing all right.

>> All right, Soldier.

Hey...

(mumbles incoherently)

>> It's all good.

>> I know it is!

(mumbles incoherently)

>> What's that?

*

(mumbles incoherently)

>> What's that mean?

(mumbles incoherently)

>> I... I don't got you.

Say that again?

(mumbles incoherently)

>> Small?

(mumbles incoherently)

>> Still don't have it.

(mumbles incoherently)

(mumbles incoherently)

>> What's that?

>> Hey, partner,

how ya doing?

>> Carton of

Winston Light 100s.

>> We got caught in a windstorm?

>> Winston.

Back there.

>> Oh, I thought you got

caught in a windstorm.

>> No.

>> Oh, my bad.

Didn't it sound like he said

he got caught in a windstorm?

You heard him?

(mumbles incoherently)

>> I got nothing.

>> Okay, I got nothing,

my brother.

>> All right, that's what

I'm talking about.

>> Welcome to

Single & Ready 2 Mingle,

a video dating service.

Meet our newest bachelor Skippy.

>> This is just like a profile

for anybody that's looking for

somebody that's like...

handsome, talented.

I like to draw.

I like to play

a little bit of guitar.

I like to go windsailing.

I like riding motorcycles.

They're really fun.

I can go really fast on them.

*

(static blaring)

>> Brett Sellars here reporting

live for... some news station.

Brett Sellars here on the scene.

We've just had a sandwich thief

strike again in the park.

We're gonna try to cover

the story, get some

eye-witness accounts here.

Come on, let's go.

Guys, did you witness

the attack?

>> Uh, no.

>> So you guys didn't

witness the attack?

Okay, can you do me a favor?

Cut, cut, cut, cut.

I got to come back with a story.

My ass is on the line

if I don't.

Can you just go along with it

and we'll kind of fabricate

some stories?

>> Yeah, absolutely.

>> Here we go.

Folks, back on the scene.

Brett Sellars here with...

>> Vincent.

>> Patrick.

>> Who were present when

the second attack occurred.

Guys, tell me what happened.

>> Uh, the guy knocked me on

the back of my head

and I went unconscious

for about two minutes.

Yeah, I woke up--

>> Yeah, I was trying to wake

him up, he wouldn't wake up.

>> Uh, by the way, the thief

that we're encountering is,

uh, stealing people's lunches,

believe it or not,

so maybe you had

a sandwich, maybe...

What's your favorite menu item

that you'd picnic with?

>> We had burritos.

>> Burritos.

And action.

So he took your burritos.

Tell us what happened next.

>> Well, I was just really

hungry, you know?

And I had that burrito,

it was big and heavy

and I was just so excited

to put it in my stomach.

But he took it from me, man.

It's not cool.

>> I'm sorry, pal.

>> Something has to be

done about it.

>> That's why we're here.

We're gonna get to the bottom

of this, we're gonna find out.

Thank you for your

eye-witness account, guys.

Brett Sellars on the scene here.

Hey, looking for a great deal

on a used car?

Come see Merle and Earl

at Miller Brothers used car lot.

We're twice the salesmen.

So you get twice the savings.

And that means you save

twice the money.

We got big cars.

And we got little cars.

So come on down to

Miller Brothers used car lot

and let Merle and Earl

double your savings.

All right, so today I'm playing

Earl Miller, car salesman.

I'm also playing his

twin brother Merle Miller.

Hey, what's up, man?

>> Ricardo.

>> Ricardo, Earl.

>> Hey, how's it going?

>> And it's me and my brother

Merle, uh...

twin brother by--

Older brother by seven minutes.

You're looking for...

For your fiancée, all right.

What kind of car do you

see her driving, like--

Right, right.

We-- I mean, I can definitely

put you in something

reliable, um--

(phone ringing)

>> Earl to the repair shop,

Earl to repair.

>> All right, give me

a couple of minutes.

I'll be right with you, Ricardo.

>> * Uh

* Uh

* Uh *

(tires squealing)

>> Oh, hey, what's up, partner?

>> Hey, how you doin', man?

>> How'd you get in?

>> Uh, your brother.

>> My brother's here?

>> Yeah.

>> Okay.

Hi, I'm Merle Miller.

>> Ricardo.

>> Nice to meet you, Ricardo.

Is he, uh, showing you a car?

>> Uh, we haven't

started looking yet.

We're just kind of

talking right now.

>> Huh.

That's odd.

He ain't even supposed to

be here today.

Uh, I make the deals here,

I'm the brains behind

the operation, okay?

>> Right.

>> He's the one who

lost his hair, if you dig

where I'm coming from.

So he's always jealous and

plus I'm the older brother, so--

I got him by eight minutes.

And he'll tell you seven

minutes, I'm sure, right?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Yeah, it's eight minutes.

So if you want to walk out of

here with your head on straight,

let me deal with you, okay?

Did he get any info?

>> No.

>> He didn't run

a credit on you?

You know what, let me get you

to start just-- just your

name and address.

You don't gotta put your social.

I'll be right back, Ricardo.

>> Okay, not a problem.

>> Gonna head over to

the car lot in a minute

and we'll get you something

real nice.

>> All right.

*

>> Sorry about that, Ricardo.

I had to, uh--

My mechanics giving me

a nightmare out there.

Where were we?

I'm sorry.

Where'd you get the, uh...

>> Your brother just

came through here,

said he was going back there

to look for you.

>> Wait a second.

Merle's here?

>> Yeah.

>> Oh yeah, he is.

Let me guess, he made fun

of me being bald, didn't he?

>> Yeah.

>> I knew it.

You know he paid five grand

for his hair, right?

>> Oh, did he?

>> Me and him are sort of in

a little bit of a family feud.

I'm sure he told you he's

running operations here, right?

>> Right.

>> Of course.

No, he's not running anything.

He's running his fourth divorce

is what he's running,

you know what I mean?

You see his outfit?

I mean, come on.

>> Yeah.

>> Who dresses like this, buddy?

This ain't 1991.

>> That's what I thought

when he walked in too.

>> I'm gonna have a little

talk with Merle.

I'll be right back, Ricardo.

Take your time with that.

Yo, man, you better back up

off with my customer, (beep)!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Watch out, yo, man, don't be--

(banging)

Yo, man, I ain't

playin' that (beep)!

(clattering)

Ah, you son of a (beep)!

(clattering)

Damn.

Ah.

I'm sorry, partner, you didn't

need to witness this.

>> You all right?

>> The question is,

is he all right?

He's out cold.

Am I even there?

Is that even?

I'm looking straight?

>> No, no, it's coming off.

>> Fix it, please.

>> No, no, I'm not gonna

touch your hair.

>> Oh, come on, partner.

Please, please, please.

This is $5,000, man.

I can't mess it up.

These plugs weren't cheap.

>> Yeah, uh, no.

>> Just push it down,

there you go, push down

on the other side.

>> All right.

>> All right, how's it looking?

We straight?

>> You're better, yeah.

>> All right.

I apologize, man.

I apologize.

That was unprofessional.

I'll tell you what.

We'll put Earl out of

the picture for now

and we'll let you deal with

Ed Bassmaster instead.

>> So this is gonna lower this

craziness down a little bit?

>> Yeah, Ed Bassmaster, he's in

charge of the operation of

this TV show that you're on.

And you're on my new show called

"The Ed Bassmaster Show."

All right, partner.

>> Weird.

>> * Would y'all look at this?

* Would y'all look at that?

* Would ya'll look at this?

* Would y'all look at that?

* Would y'all look at this?

* Would y'all look at that?

* Would y'all look at this?

* Would y'all look at that? *

>> Welcome to

Single & Ready 2 Mingle,

a video dating service.

Meet our newest bachelor,

Skippy.

>> Hey, ladies, my name's

Skippy Sankowitz.

Everybody that knows me

calls me Skippy.

I like to bike-ride.

If you're looking for a guy

who will pay for at least

half the meal... let me know.

'Cause I will.

So I live with my grandmom.

Uh, I have the whole entire

upstairs to myself.

So it's basically like

my own apartment.

But she's not even allowed up

here unless she knocks.

*

(siren blaring)

*

(water running)

Yo, yo, yo, what's good?

It's your boy Always Teste.

(mumbles incoherently)

You know what I'm saying?

And today I've got

a job interview

and I'm bringing my

probation officer along with me

on the job interview.

AKA my boy Jack Vale.

>> Hi, this is Teste,

I'm his parole officer.

>> Teste?

>> Yeah, what's going on, dog?

>> It's going good, man?

>> How you been?

>> All right.

*

All right, let's see here.

So, um, why don't you go ahead

and tell me about, you know,

the last job that you did have?

>> Well, the last job I had

was community service.

>> Okay.

>> I had to do it for 90 days.

So once it was done, I was done,

you know what I'm saying?

I didn't have to stick around.

>> What were you doing

the community service for?

>> Well, I got in a situation

where I got in trouble

with the law.

>> Okay.

>> You know what I'm saying?

And, you know, I used to do

a lot of stuff,

I ain't going to lie.

>> Right.

>> You know what I'm saying?

But now I'm trying to get

my act together.

You know what I'm saying?

On the "strempf."

And just try to go on

the right path.

You know what I'm saying?

The last job that I had,

the supervisor is actually

how I got in trouble.

Because what happened was

I fell asleep

in the break room

and he came in and woke me up

and started yelling at me,

so I had to put him in his

place, you know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying?

I don't mind working but

I don't take that from nobody.

You know what I'm saying?

You don't treat somebody

disrespectful like that.

A lot of the jobs that I apply

for want me to show up at like

9:00 in the morning

and stay all day.

And I got other stuff to do,

so I can't really

stick around all day.

>> Teste, if you're going to get

a job, you have to be prepared

to stay all day.

>> Okay.

>> Especially in retail.

Retail's a big thing.

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa, Teste!

Teste, Teste,

what are you doing?

>> I'm just getting a drink,

I'm thirsty.

I'm over 21,

I'm allowed to drink.

>> Come on, Teste.

You can't do that here.

>> When I talk a lot,

my mouth get dry.

>> No, that's fine--

>> Okay?

So I need to get a sip.

>> You should have known better

not to bring this to--

to a job interview.

>> My bad!

>> Well, you can't

drink on the job.

>> I ain't going to drink--

This ain't the job.

This the interview.

I ain't going to drink

on the job.

>> Yeah, I hear you, man.

It's cool.

Um, what types of people seem

to rub you the wrong way?

>> People like him,

who try to tell me what to do.

Can you talk to this dude?

He's asking me some

crazy questions.

>> Did he offend you in any way?

>> Well, yeah, he said,

you know, I can't fall asleep

on the job, I can't smoke weed

on the job,

I can't drink on the job.

>> That's really a requirement

that's a normal thing for a--

question asked that

you cannot do that on the job.

>> And I agreed.

I tried to kind of back that up

and explain to him

that he cannot drink.

I was upset he brought a--

>> He brought a 40

to the interview?

>> He brought a 40

to the interview

>> That's his.

That 40's his.

He gave it to me, dog.

He gave it to me.

>> Hold on a second, he's one

of my top managers that--

>> He gave-- dog,

tell him the truth.

You gave it to me.

>> No, Teste, that was your 40.

>> Obviously, if you're bringing

a 40 the job,

we cannot hire you.

>> Oh, you gotta be trippin',

dog, you trippin'.

>> I did take it away from him

before he took a drink.

>> Yeah, he was

drinking it, right?

You seen him drink it, right?

>> Huh?

No, that-- that's

neither here nor there.

>> Thought you were

a parole officer?

>> Why don't you reintroduce

this guy, and we start

from scratch?

>> Okay, I'm gonna

introduce you.

>> Okay.

>> Josh, this is Ed Bassmaster.

>> I'm sitting here like,

"What the heck?"

(laughing)

Oh my God.

I was sitting here like,

"What the heck am I gonna do?"

>> Right there there's a camera.

There's a camera behind you.

(all laughing)

*

*

>> Merry Christmas!

How you doin'?

*

Merry Christmas!

(woman screaming)

How are ya?

Gotcha.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Can you hand me that, please?

(man laughing)

Thanks, boss.

Hey, guys, Brett Sellars here.

We're here at Picnic TV.

We're gonna walk around

and find out what the heck

everybody's eating out here.

How you doing today?

See she had some

mushroom pizza there.

Looks like they were

kind of hungry, folks.

How you ladies doing today?

Brett Sellars.

What's on the menu?

Couscous.

Exciting stuff over here, folks.

*

Brett Sellars here

with Picnic TV.

I'm here with Courtney,

who is trying to find

her friends

who are engaging in

a delicious picnic.

>> Yup.

>> What's on the menu today?

>> Um... sandwiches.

>> Sandwiches.

There you have it, folks.

What can you tell us about

what you're eating today?

>> It's really good.

It's fresh tasting.

>> Aesthetic too,

because it looks beautiful.

Brett Sellars here, we're

following up on a story that

we brought to you earlier,

where we met up with Courtney,

who was on her way to

a delicious picnic,

and we're going to bring

the story live to you.

In three... two

and one.

Courtney, hey, Brett Sellars

back again with you

with Picnic TV.

We found you!

>> Hey.

>> What's going on on

the picnic blanket?

>> Um, you're on my

jean jacket right now.

>> How do we see Picnic TV?

>> Picnic TV will be on my

hit smash TV show called

"The Ed Bassmaster Show."

It's coming out this fall.

>> Shut up!

Shut up!

Oh my God, we love you!

>> There you have it, folks.

There you have it.

>> No way.

>> Hey, I'm Jeff.

>> And I'm Hally.

>> And today I've got some

movers coming over to help me

break up with her.

*

Hey, guys.

>> Hi!

>> How's it going, man?

I'm Benny.

>> Benny?

>> Nice to meet you.

>> Hey, man, Jeff.

>> Hey, I'm Hally.

Nice to meet you too.

>> As you can see, it's like

a total mess in here.

Everything's gonna go.

>> I'm gonna get something

for you.

Like lemonade, cookies?

Yeah?

>> I'm all right for now.

>> He's good with the cookies.

He's a cookie monster.

>> I'll be back in a second.

>> Sorry about that.

>> Don't worry about it.

>> She's like overly friendly.

>> It's fine.

>> And she like-- she'll keep

asking and asking, just--

She's driving me nuts.

(all laughing)

So, uh, dude, I'm bouncing her.

She's outta here.

I'm throwing her

out of the house.

And the only way I could do it

is by saying that we bought

a house and getting movers

here to move her stuff out.

>> Okay!

Here you go.

>> Thank you.

>> Yeah, of course.

Oh my gosh.

All right, I'm going upstairs

really quickly.

>> Go for it.

>> To take care of things.

Thanks a lot!

>> Anyhow, all this stuff

over here, this is all hers.

She's not gonna miss

half of this stuff.

I just want to get her

personal belongs out first.

Dude, it's only gonna take

ten minutes, fifteen minutes

to get all of her stuff out.

I'm just trying to think of

how to say it to her.

Like what do I say?

What would you do?

What if I go out front

and then when she comes down,

one of you guys--

whoever wants to--

break it to her, right?

I'm not even joking.

(Hally yelling)

What was that?

Oh hey.

>> Oh my God, I couldn't--

I couldn't wait to tell you.

This is insane.

I...

(sighing)

We're pregnant.

>> What do you mean,

"We're pregnant"?

>> Yes, can you believe that?!

>> Really?

>> Yeah!

Oh my God, sweetie!

Oh my God!

>> Guys, guys, please, uh...

Hon, I'll be right back.

>> Okay, hold on.

>> Guys, come here.

I got an idea.

Hally, can you--

>> Yeah?

>> Instead of moving her out,

how about we just prank you guys

and make you think that this

whole situation is real...

when it's not?

Look at...

This whole thing is for

my TV show called

"The Ed Bassmaster Show."

>> That's insane, dude.

*

>> Oh.

(woman screaming)

>> Welcome to

Single & Ready 2 Mingle,

a video dating service.

Meet our newest bachelor,

Skippy.

>> I'm looking for a girl with

hair and ears

and two eyes.

I like a woman with some mouth.

Um...

A head and shoulders.

It helps if they have

a couple of arms.

Um...

And hips and legs and

all the way down to the toes

I guess is the kind of woman

I'm looking for.

So if you want to go out

on a date, let me know.

Let me know if you like

Chinese food or Mexican

or Italian.

Either one I'll go along

on a date with you

to them places.

Anywhere.

*

*

You all set?

What did you end up going with?

>> Uh, the rib-eye.

>> The rib-eye?

>> Yeah, burrito.

>> Okay, burrito?

All right, we're gonna need to

pat this down actually.

*

If you want to step up--

Copy that.

Agent Bassmaster with the FCIA.

If I could just have you

walk this way, sir.

Agent Bassmaster

with the FCIA.

That's the Food Cart

Intelligence Agency.

Protecting the citizens

one food cart at a time.

This area is under

24-hour surveillance.

>> Okay, why's that?

>> Well, last week we had

to diffuse two tacos.

I got a burrito sniffing dog

on-site right now.

Food's coming through,

food's coming through.

>> There you go, boss.

>> There we go, buddy.

All right, right this

way, buddy.

Okay, that way.

He's coming that way.

He's fleeing the scene.

He's fleeing the scene.

I need backup here.

He's fleeing the scene.

Get in here, damn it!

Wait a minute.

What's y'all's name?

>> LoCash.

>> LoCash.

I'm No Cash.

>> You're No Cash?

(laughing)

We're gonna need to have

a song for the ladies.

>> You don't need to

sell me on that.

>> So I'm just thinking, man,

maybe we do like a...

*

>> Yeah.

* All the girls in the world

* Are trying to get with Teste

* Uh yeah uh

* All the girls in the world

* Are trying to get with Teste

* Uh yeah

>> * All the girls

* In the world

* Are trying to get with Teste

* He ain't got no car

* But them sneakers

* Can walk real far

>> * Yeah

>> * Calling all the ladies

* Around the world

>> * It's most important

* You got to rock the Jordan

>> * He ain't got no car

* But he can walk real far

>> * That's right

>> * Talking about Teste

>> Teste, baby.

>> * Talking about Teste

>> * Don't test me

>> * If you're watching

* This video

* You gotta call Testes

>> Not Testes.

Teste.

Don't call me Testes, dog.

*

- Three to the right.

Through three.

Big lunge

then kick it, yo!

Dog, check it out! Yo!

Uh! Check it out, check it out!

Yo! Uh!

Cheese ball?

- I'm good on the balls.

[rock music]

Cheese balls.

- Baked potato, baked potato,

large fries, down low, twinkle toes.

All right. Let's go.

You versus Brett Sellars on the tug-of-war.

Pull!

[yells] Oh, crap!

>> No way.

You are infamous

at our household.

Ed Bassmaster in the house.

>> Bartle-Do.

>> Barlte-do.

>> Caught me off guard there,

folks at home, but, uh,

that was awesome, dude.

>> Could I get a picture?

Oh my God.

>> Too much.

>> This is so awesome.

I'm gonna hug you.

>> Oh, sorry.

>> Could you do me a favor?

Just once, "Would you just

look at that dog?"

>> Would you just look at

that crap?

Just look at that crap.

What do you mean, life is crap?

Would you get a load of him?

Life is crap.

It's what you make of it.

>> Can we get a video?

>> Oh, would you look at that?

Mom... Mom?

Hello, Maureen.

*

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