Original subtitles

>> Hey, guys, I'm Ed Bassmaster,

and you may have seen me

on Youtube.

(incoherent gibberish)

And that is me.

>> What're you talking about?

>> I'm a bush!

That's me too.

Crawfish here is amazing.

>> Yeah.

>> I just ordered it.

When I see a car like this,

first thing I do is I say,

"Would you look at this?"

Yeah, all of those guys are me.

>> Yes yes yes!

>> You're my favorite!

>> I have almost a billion views

on the internet, and now

I'm gonna take what I do

to television.

Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

This is

"The Ed Bassmaster Show."

Hey, guy.

Margaret...

is gonna play the dentist.

And I'm gonna be her assistant.

And I got the hots for her.

So I'm gonna propose to her.

*

Hi, I'm Skippy.

>> I'm Bunny,

it's nice to meet you.

>> Nice to meet you, Bunny.

You're here for a teeth

whitening, Doctor Emma's

the best in the business.

She's the best-looking, too.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> She has my heart.

When I first Dr. Em...

the minute I sat down in that

chair and looked into her eyes,

I said,

"I'm gonna marry this lady

one day."

>> That's really funny.

>> Yeah.

>> Hey.

>> Speaking of the devil.

>> I'm Dr. Em.

>> Hi, I'm Bunny,

it's nice to meet you.

>> Hey, nice to meet you, Bunny.

>> Excuse me, guys,

be right back.

>> I'm sorry, I'm with a patient

right now, so it'll just be

a sec-- ten minutes, probably.

Just let him know

if you need anything.

>> Okay.

All right, thanks so much.

>> So.

Like I said.

>> Yeah, she's pretty.

>> Here's the thing.

I'm gonna propose to her.

>> Really?

>> Yeah.

>> Do you have a relationship?

>> No, not yet.

>> And you're just

gonna propose?

>> Yeah. I'm pretty sure

she's gonna say yes.

She's always saying stuff like,

"Good morning, Skippy."

"Close the bathroom door."

"How you doing today, Skippy?"

Just a lot of signs.

>> Like, you can't do that

in front of me.

>> Please, don't blow it,

please?

>> I don't wanna be

involved with that,

I don't even know you.

>> We met in this room, this is

where I had my job interview.

My five-year anniversary.

I know, 'cause I have it

on my calendar.

Check this out.

I'm gonna decorate the room

real quick before

she comes back.

Please, help me.

Spread those out.

Spread those out.

Come on, you can help me.

>> I'm not going to do that.

You didn't even go

on a date with her yet.

>> But I know she loves me.

Trust me.

>> Because she tells you to

close the bathroom door?

>> Yeah.

How many women care about that?

>> This is-- this is the most

bizarre, ridiculous--

>> No, not yet, shh!

She's gonna be so excited

when she sees this.

Hurry up!

Yes, you're invited!

I promise.

Oh, oh, check this out.

>> Oh, my goodness.

(laughing)

>> I'm gonna do it.

How should I--

how should I say it?

I could do like,

* Well, my name is Skippy

* You always try to dip me

Like a rap, and you could do...

(beat-boxing)

(beat-boxing)

>> That's pretty good.

>> Here she comes.

Soon as she walks in, pop it!

Surprise!

>> (beat-boxing)

>> * Well, my name is Skippy

* The girls try to dip me

* Into the chocolate

* Don't try to knock it

* I'm the best

* Oh, yeah, hey

* Will you marry me today?

Will you marry me?

>> Um, Skippy,

I'm already married,

you know that.

>> Um, I know you're married,

but I thought that maybe,

if I did something epic,

you would leave him and...

>> Um...

>> No.

I guess if you won't marry me,

would... would you...

would you mind...

would you please

be on my brand-new

best TV show on Earth called

"The Ed Bassmaster TV Show"?

>> Oh, my gosh!

Oh!

(all laughing)

>> What?!

Did you say I'm on a TV show?

Because I (bleep) knew it!

I (bleep) knew it!

I (bleep) knew it!

>> Hey, guys, Shakey here,

and I just...

wanna tell you guys

how thankful I am.

Thankful to have you guys

watching me,

watching my show,

and, uh, thankful for family

and...

thankful for a whole lotta

things, you know, friends,

loved ones.

But most of all,

I'm just thankful to have you.

Thank you.

Ow, (bleep), that's hot!

>> (voice) It's on!

>> Yo, what's up, guys?

EricTheGreat73 here.

On to the next challenge.

I'm gonna see how many

marshmallows I can fit

in my mouth.

So let's go for it.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Get in there, seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Ten.

Eleven.

(groaning)

(groaning, spitting)

I think that was 12, so.

Leave me a comment in-- below.

Let me know what you think about

that one, thanks, peace.

>> (police radio chatter)

>> There he is, there he is.

There he is.

So we're gonna go

check this out.

Hey, Steve, Dog Cop here.

If you wanna let your dog poop

around here and not pick it up,

go for it.

I'll find ya.

So my dad was a dog cop.

His dad was a dog cop.

So I follow in their footsteps.

I wanted to serve

the canine community.

All right, just got a call

of a dog hiding out

in the shade,

looking kind of suspicious.

How's it going, pal?

You're not out here causing

any trouble, are ya?

I don't wanna have to cite you.

Now, I'm gonna have to issue

a summons for doing

what you did back there.

We smelled it from a mile away.

>> Oh, wow.

>> That's indecent exposure

right there, you can't--

you can't have your tail

raised up like that, showing

that hole like that, pal.

That's a $50 fine right there.

We got a possible wolf here.

I'm gonna investigate

the situation.

How are you, sir?

The reason I stopped you is

we got a call of a wolf

in the neighborhood.

You got anything on you?

Mind if I search you?

What do you got behind

the collar, anything?

Lot of fur here, you can hide

a lot of stuff under here.

He's definitely a wolf.

You know how I can tell?

We do a test on the field.

Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

Wolf! Wolf!

Wolf!

Wolf wolf wolf!

Huh, maybe he's not a wolf.

*

* I like dogs

* Dogs are cool

* I got two

* I like dogs

* Dogs are cool

* I got two

* This dog is big

* This dog is little

* Two dogs on the end

* Man in the middle

* This dog is big

* This dog is little

* Two dogs on the end

* Man in the middle *

Hey, guys, this is Skippy.

And I'm thankful for

a lot of things.

Like this.

And this.

(engine roars)

And this!

And this.

And these.

And this.

And these.

Getting a lot of hits over here.

>> Is it our clubs?

>> You have a feeling-- I'm

picking up a strong signal

right here, boom.

Hey, guys, this is Skippy.

And I'm out here fishing.

With my friend, Gilbert.

>> Hi.

>> Yeah.

So this is your first time

fishing, huh?

>> This is my first time

fishing.

You know, I'm doing this

just for the... halibut!

>> Hah!

>> Hey, any of you seen

"Casablanca"?

"Play it again... Salmon."

>> Hah!

>> Hey, I didn't do that

on... porpoise!

>> Hah!

>> Huh?

All fish jokes.

>> Yes.

Hey, kiss my bass!

>> Hey, excellent!

>> Yeah, that's a joke.

>> Excellent, see,

this is comedy.

>> That's-- I like that.

(mumbles incoherently)

Hey, guys, Dr. Verne here.

Optometrist.

Except I'm not really

an optometrist, I'm just

playing one today.

And we're gonna prank

some people-- stay tuned.

Hey, boss.

What's up?

How's it going, man?

>> Doing good, how about you?

>> What you think?

>> Awesome.

>> I'm doing good.

>> You having any issues now

with your sight?

>> No.

>> Look up for me,

towards the light.

Follow my fingers this way.

Straight down here.

All the way down as far as you--

whoa!

Haha, got him.

Read the top line for me.

>> I can't see the first line.

Oh!

>> Man, then try

the fourth line.

>> I can kind of see

the fourth line.

>> Can you totally see it,

or are you just acting

the lines out in the script?

>> I can see it.

>> Okay, all right, great.

Which shark is smarter?

This one?

Or that one?

>> Well, it's the same shark.

You just put glasses on him.

>> Obviously he reads,

he has glasses.

So now we're gonna test

hand speed.

Put your hands on top

of my hands.

>> Oh.

>> Oh, you're good.

You're good, you passed that one

with flying colors.

Let me try on you.

Oh!

Oh, wow, you got

fantastic hand-speed.

Spread 'em out a little bit

more, and let me get

right in there.

Go!

Oh--

This is eye-to-mouth

coordination.

Now these are just some

standard marshmallows.

All right, so...

lean back

and open up.

Now, use your eyes.

All right, here we go.

Oh, a little high.

I'll get there-- oh.

>> Do it, like, three,

four times, you get better,

and you--

you--

>> (laughing)

That was a fastball, man.

We're gonna pick up the pace

now.

Don't use your hands.

Come on, you gotta get

at least one, there you go.

All right.

You ready, Ryan?

Let's get serious, now.

Let's get down to business here.

This is your eyesight

at jeopardy here, okay?

Yeah, get down on all fours.

And I'm gonna go in three...

two...

one-- come through!

There you go, there you go.

Come on, soldier, come on.

>> Oh, (bleep)!

Too small...

>> Oh, there we go.

You're out, you're out,

you're good, all right.

Stand in the hula hoop.

Lift up the hula hoop.

Pull it up, come on.

Give me three times around.

One, two, that'll do, three.

All right, go through

the cones, go ahead.

Oh, don't-- can't hit the cones.

Can't hit 'em.

Man, you can't see at all,

can you?

All right, another--

another hula hoop.

>> Three?

>> Three times around.

One, two, three.

Pick up the-- pick up

the basket of lemons.

All right, that's not

part of the test,

you just look cute holding

a basket of lemons.

You can put those down.

This is all part of the show.

See, see.

You're on my new--

>> Are you fricking kidding me?

>> You're on a TV show.

You're on a TV show.

>> (laughter)

>> I'm getting a signal

over here.

Yes, score.

Got a toaster.

We'll go back to the clubhouse

and toast up some bagels.

Marlon Woods.

2015.

I'm thankful for George's Wings

around the corner from my house.

Because they sell

great chicken--

grilled chicken sandwiches,

which is basically all I eat.

Hi.

>> Hi.

>> You guys lost?

>> No.

>> Oh, I am.

Yeah, I need directions.

Uh, directions to your heart.

Heh!

>> (woman laughing)

>> So...

that is so cute.

>> Thanks.

(straining)

I write poems.

Did you and I have

a class together?

>> No.

>> I think we have chemistry.

(straining)

>> Are you okay?

>> You're very pretty.

She's very pretty.

If she was a vegetable,

she'd be a cute-cumber.

Do you have the time?

>> It's almost 6:00.

>> No, I meant the time

for a date.

>> Oh, um, well,

we're on our own date

a little bit, actually.

>> Do you have a map?

>> No.

>> Oh, 'cause I'm lost

in your eyes.

>> (laughing)

>> Today, the wife and I are

gonna be meeting with a realtor

to do a little house-hunting.

>> Hey, guys, how're you doing?

>> Hey, how are you?

>> Good to see you.

>> I'm running out,

I'll be back 20, 30 minutes.

>> Okay.

>> So...

what you can see is,

you got a very large house here.

It's just very, very classic

New Orleans architecture.

>> Classic New Orleans style,

I love it.

>> Exactly.

>> It's beautiful.

Gorgeous sculpture.

>> I think that's an urn.

>> Whoa, sorry.

I didn't know, sorry, pal.

Fridge staying?

Fridge staying?

>> Usually in those cases,

the-- all the appliances

are gonna stay and--

>> Keep the fridge, please.

See if you can keep the fridge.

I like-- I love the fridge.

Okay.

(burping)

>> So... this stove...

oh, yeah, I thought it was

an electric stove-top.

>> Question for you.

What is the deal with

this step down to the bathroom?

I love the bathroom, I'm just

not crazy about the...

step down is not...

I'm a little bit of

a pill-billy, if you know

what I mean.

>> Hey, could you help me

for a second?

>> Okay, um...

>> I feel like such an idiot.

I just-- I have a fear

that I'm just not gonna be able

to cook on this kind of stove.

>> Oh, I can promise you,

you can cook on this stove--

>> Oh, eggs.

Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs.

Over easy, hon.

So I guess we didn't catch

breakfast this morning.

>> Just don't walk away from

the stove, hon.

Keep an eye on that.

>> All right. Steve likes it

when I make his eggs for him.

>> Steve?

>> Let's go upstairs

and check on my baby.

>> Yes, great idea, great idea.

Let's get this off the heat.

>> Checking out the master bath.

>> I wanna see the master

bedroom.

>> Steve, where you at, buddy?

>> Do you mind if I use

the bathroom real quick?

Oh, thank you.

>> Yeah, buddy.

>> Hey, this is gorgeous

back here.

>> This is so cute!

>> Um...

>> It fits.

>> You want me to put it back?

>> Looks like an old lady now.

>> (laughing)

I think it's a good look for me.

>> I'll put clothes on.

>> Yeah.

>> Oh, wait,

what about the fireplace?

>> Yeah, I had a question

about the fireplace.

>> Oh-- (bleep), crap! (bleep)!

>> Oh, baby!

What is that? What is that?

That is ash.

I don't wanna touch that.

Ugh, I don't know.

I don't know about that.

>> (whistling)

>> Do you think that's

who it is?

>> Um, no, I don't think so.

>> Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa

whoa, what's going on?

Those are my wife's ashes, man.

>> Dude, we gotta let you in.

It's a hidden camera prank, bro.

*

>> So far, fishing is

very exciting.

>> Yes, very exciting.

I got him, there he is!

>> Aah! Aah!

>> Here, Gilbert, here!

Take him!

>> Aah!

>> Get him!

>> No! No!

I will not go near that thing.

Oh, my God.

I just realized

I'm afraid of fish.

>> You're afraid of 'em?

>> Yes, really.

>> Wanna toss him back?

>> No, no, no, please--

>> Want me to toss him to you?

>> No, no, no, that's-- that's--

oh, my God, that's frightening.

>> Oh, here we go, bingo.

>> Oh, my gosh.

Aah!

Is that the same fish we--

>> Yes, it is, he's very hungry.

>> That fish is a total schmuck.

>> Hey, guy, Jay Wells here.

And I unbox everything.

I unbox it all.

Hey, guys, Jay Wells here again.

AKA JayReviewsWell73.

Super-excited to do another

unboxing for you guys.

Uh, just got the new

bag of peanuts.

Look at this jumbo peanut.

If that was a guy, he'd weigh,

like, easily 400 pounds.

Oh.

There we go.

Whoa, whoa.

There's two in there.

Oh, my gosh.

They're each individually

wrapped in tissue paper.

Wait a second, it's four.

They split

right down the middle.

Thanks again, Wellington's.

Stay tuned.

>> Brett Sellars coming live

and direct to ya.

Whoa, hold on.

Whee...

Oh-- whoa!

Brett Sellars here,

and I am super-stoked to tell

you guys about a new prank

we're working on called

"Gotcha."

See, it's a prank

without the prank.

It's just a reveal, it's great.

And here we go for the reveal

of the prank.

We're gonna reveal

to these guys,

let 'em know that we got 'em.

And we got 'em!

>> About what?

>> Yeah, this is the reveal

for the prank.

>> What prank?

>> Uh, we gotcha!

Did you have any idea

that these were actors?

>> No, I thought they were

people just sort of hanging out.

>> Everybody throughout the park

was in on the prank.

We gotcha, right?

>> I had no idea

anything happened.

>> You had no clue.

>> No--

>> Amazing, she had no clue

it was a prank up until

we came out.

There ya go, folks,

Brett Sellars, gotcha.

Thank you for participating.

You were great sports.

>> Sure.

male announcer: Next time on "The Ed Bassmaster Show"...

- Lean all the way back, homie. - All right.

- All right. There we go.

Oh. Feel that burn?

- Yep.

- Push down and go up in one motion.

- One, two, three.

Look at him go!

Look at it! - Yeah!

[rock music]

- [bleep].

Everything on it. You got sneaky sauce?

- [laughs] Sneaky sauce?

- No, smeaky sauce.

- What is that?

- The white sauce on the gyro?

- Tzatziki sauce. - Yeah!

Sneaky sauce.

- [laughs]

>> Yo, yo yo.

(clicks tongue)

Yo, this your boy, Always Teste.

And, you know, I'm just,

like, thankful,

that's all I wanna say, y'know.

It's that time of year where

I'll be thinking, and I'll be,

like... you know what I mean,

I'm thankful,

you know what I'm saying?

Thankful that, you know,

every time I start thinking,

"Man, Always,

what is you thankful for?"

And I'm like,

know what I mean, I'm just

thankful for everything,

you know what I'm saying?

I'm thankful for the...

"Dog, what is you

thankful about?"

And I'm like, "Yeah, man,

"You right, Teste,

you is thankful."

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