Original subtitles

>> Hey, guys, I'm Ed Bassmaster

and you may have seen me

on YouTube!

The looney wheels.

And that is me!

>> What are you talking about?

>> I'm a bush!

That's me too.

The crawfish here is amazing.

>> Yeah.

>> I just ordered it.

When I see a car like this,

the first thing I do is I say,

"Would you look at this?"

Yeah, all of those guys are me.

>> Ed Bassmaster,

you're my favorite!

>> I have almost a billion views

on the Internet and now

I'm going to take what

I do to television.

Da-da-da-da!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, turbulence!

This is

"The Ed Bassmaster Show."

*

Yeah, I'm gonna need

everybody to clear off

the street.

Mrs. Lopez is coming in

right now.

Okay, all right,

she's coming out here?

Okay, escort her out.

This couple over here

thinks I'm escorting J.Lo.

*

J.Lo, yes, copy.

Uh, Mr. Wahlberg is on his way

downstairs right now.

Yes.

Okay.

Probably have to swing out

the back, because we have

a big crowd out here.

Okay.

Copy.

I didn't even see you

standing there, I'm sorry.

Agent Bassmaster.

>> Hi, nice to meet you.

>> Right-- right this

way, guys, sorry.

Are you together, or...

>> Yeah.

>> Okay.

Uh, we're gonna get you

fitted with earpieces.

They're gonna bring

an earpiece down.

Do you have your suit?

>> Uh, I'm not--

>> You're not Agent Davis?

What's your name?

Agent Mike, nice to meet you.

We're going to get you suited up

and get you involved in this

prank that we're doing.

Yeah.

See, we're just making pretend

that somebody famous is here,

and you fell for it, didn't you?

>> Sure did.

(laughing)

(bowling pins clattering)

>> Hey, guys, this is Skippy

and I'm gonna go bowling today.

And I'm gonna make some

people feel awkward.

Buddy, can I steal you

for one second, pal?

I need to stretch out my wrist.

Can you just pull my wrist out?

Just pull it hard.

*

Thanks.

You're strong.

I'm on track,

not getting side tracked.

If you guys wouldn't mind,

could you try not to stare at me

when I'm bowling, please?

>> No problem, no problem.

>> Thank you.

I get real nervous about that.

Staring can be very distractive.

>> It can be.

*

>> Hey, guys, Emilio here.

Ah...

Oh, would you look at this?

A fabric store.

Let's go inside,

let's go look at some fabric.

*

Hi, Joe, my name's Emilio.

What I want is to

design a shirt...

>> Mm-hmm.

>> ... that when people look

at my shirt, they go like this,

"Would you look at that?

*

Where'd you get it from?"

>> That's fine, no problem.

>> I mean, look at this one.

Oh my, look at this one.

Look at that one!

Oh my goodness,

look at this one, Joe!

Look at this one.

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> Oh my good--

Look at this one, Joe!

Pink?

>> We can show you a lot of

things, you look at them--

>> I really like this section.

It's really speaking to me,

if you know what I mean.

>> Good, you see things like

this that say--

>> Oh, look at that, look--

Oh, look at that one,

it's shiny.

Oh my goodness,

it looks like a tiger!

Can you wrap me in this

real quick?

Roll-- roll-- roll me around

in it like this.

>> Let's see.

>> If you can, roll me up.

Look at the way it hangs.

Just look at the bottom.

See how it flows when I move?

See that?

See, it flows, so when

I walk it's elegant.

Just look at how elegant

it is, Joe.

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> Look at that purple.

Look at that purple.

I think I'm gonna go

with this one.

>> All right, we have

the fabric right here.

>> Oh, would you look at it?

It's rolling.

>> It's a beautiful color.

>> Yeah.

>> Beautiful color.

>> Look at it, just look at it.

Oh, gorgeous.

>> This is one, two...

>> Oh, beautiful.

>> Three yards.

We'll cut it for you.

>> Right, right, right.

And then we'll make me

a shirt, right?

>> And we'll make you a shirt.

*

*

>> Emilio, would you

look at that?

It's a beautiful shirt.

Nice shirt.

(laughing)

>> Look at me!

>> I'm glad that it worked out

very well for you.

>> Oh, gorgeous.

Okay, so today I'm gonna go

in the park and play

Marlin Woods and try to

get a little help.

My glasses, please.

*

(groaning)

Please, please.

*

Thank you.

>> Yeah.

>> Oh, sorry.

>> No, it's all good.

>> You know what?

Could you be a kind gent?

I have a pack of Altoids

in my pocket right there.

>> Okay.

>> My immobility is

holding me up.

Thank you.

>> Uh-huh.

>> Thanks.

I appreciate it.

These are strong.

(spitting)

The mint was a little strong.

I have a pack of gum

on this side,

if you wouldn't mind, please.

>> That's a phone.

>> Actually, take my phone

out too, please.

Could you please put some

sunscreen on the top of my head?

I need 85% because

I burn very easily.

Thank you.

>> Yeah?

>> Thank you.

>> Better?

>> Better.

If you could put on my shoe.

>> You need the glasses, yeah?

>> Thank you.

(bleep)

Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Please, sir, help.

I have a stone in my shoe.

Please!

Thank you!

Please, right in the center

of my foot, could you

just massage it out?

It's--

Please, harder, very hard,

that's where the stone was.

Thank you.

A little bit harder.

As hard as you can, actually.

Are you a doctor?

>> No.

>> Actually, take my neck brace

off, please.

Thank you.

Ugh!

Whew!

I couldn't move my neck

because of that thing.

Thank you very much.

Greg Van Sandt here

and welcome to Greg's.

We've got all kinds of

bows here.

We got accessories,

targets.

We got bows, we got crossbows,

we got arrows

and our prices...

always hit the bull's-eye.

Hey, guys, playing a new

character today called Shakey.

Check it out!

And they call him Shakey

because he shakes a lot,

and he shakes a lot because

he drinks a lot of coffee.

So come on, let's go

have some fun.

Oh, hey!

How are you?

>> I was just looking at

arrows for my boyfriend.

>> Okay, these are on sale.

I think...

I mean, they're good arrows,

they're about--

(bleep)

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

>> It's okay.

>> I had like seven

cups of coffee,

so I'm a little jittery.

And coffee makes

you do strange things.

>> It's all good.

>> Oh, man, come on.

>> They're individual.

>> Yeah.

>> What kind of coffee

do you drink?

>> Yeah, uh, speaking of.

Any-- any coffee.

>> Any coffee?

Do you like certain

flavors, or...

>> Hold on, you know what,

let me...

Oh, come on.

If you need anything, you call

me 'cause I can get anything in.

Anybody that has anything

to do with hunting, fishing,

you know what I mean.

We get like... everything.

>> Yeah.

>> Literally everything.

>> Yeah, that's awesome.

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.

>> That is great.

You're running out of coffee.

>> I know, that's why I just

went and grab--

grab-- grabbed...

What's up, buddy?

>> Hey, man, this thing's not

locking in up here

when I draw it back.

>> Let me take

a quick peek at it.

Give me two seconds, partner.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I'll be right with you.

Oh!

(yelling)

Oh, I got it, I fixed--

Where'd he go?

>> You okay?

>> I'm fine, where did he go?

>> Oh my God!

You're bleeding!

>> It's okay.

>> Oh my God!

I think we should call someone!

>> It's stopping the blood,

so it's not that bad.

Uh...

>> It doesn't hurt?

>> It numbs up.

This happened before

on this leg last Tuesday.

You're shaking.

>> I know, because

you're bleeding.

>> Here, I'm--

>> Hold on.

Do you want me to pull it out?

>> You can try.

Try.

>> Are you sure?

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Try it, try it, try it.

Just try, please?

Ow!

Hey, not--

I'm sorry.

>> Sorry, I--

>> One more time, one more time.

>> No, there's more

blood coming.

>> You know what?

What we'll do is, instead of

going to the hospital,

we'll stay right here

and we'll just say something

like, "You're on

'The Ed Bassmaster Show'"

if you could say that.

>> You're on

"The Ed Bassmaster Show."

>> No, you are, so...

>> Oh my God.

Are you serious?

>> Yeah, that's not

a real arrow, honey.

>> What is that?

>> It's just screw in my leg,

tied around my leg.

It's good, I like you.

>> Oh my...

*

(growling)

>> Zombie Drive Thru prank.

Let's go!

I'm a zombie!

(laughing)

>> Hi--

>> Ahh!

>> Oh, God!

>> Where's my chicken nuggets?

(growling)

>> Oh, (bleep).

>> Is Bob working today?

>> Who?

>> Bob.

>> Take one.

>> Come on down to

Greg's Great... store.

We've got bows, arrows, ho...

Or, wait.

>> Take five.

Two, one...

>> Greg--

>> Action!

>> Hey--

>> Action!

>> Hey--

>> Action!

>> All right, hey, Greg--

>> Action!

>> Come on!

Wanna improve your aim?

We've got target--

And our prices

always hit the bull's-eye.

I blocked it so you don't--

'Cause I missed it again.

>> Take 15.

>> We're gonna be here all day.

All right, hey, Greg--

>> Action!

>> Can you see the tape?

>> Greg's Great Outdoors take...

>> What the--

Stop!

You won't want me to do it

in or out?

>> Get in the truck!

Action!

>> And remember...

I forgot the lines, man.

Mother (bleep)!

Oh, (bleep).

Hey, guys, this is Skippy.

I'm in the park and they're

doing some sort of exercise

and I'm gonna give it a shot.

Hi!

What are you guys doing?

>> Uh, acro yoga.

>> Acro yoga?

>> Yeah.

>> Think you can try it on me?

>> Yeah, I could maybe try that.

*

>> What do I do?

>> You want to push up.

>> Oh, wow, yeah.

>> So bring your hands together.

>> Okay?

Oh, wow, this is cool.

>> Yeah.

>> It's like Superman.

Hello, how are you?

>> Hi!

(imitating airplane engine)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Dat-dat-dat-dat-dat-dat-dat!

Whoa, whoa, turbulence!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh...

It's a little more

than I thought.

>> Yep.

>> Oh, this is nice.

Oh, that feels good.

I'm upside down.

>> Higher?

>> Oh, oh.

Wow, wow.

Cool.

All right, now what?

>> You just stay there

and hang out.

>> Okay.

>> And look good.

>> Hi, ladies!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are we going?

Which way?

Where?

Uh, oh...

>> All right, give me your hand.

>> Oh, my goodness.

>> Do a push-up.

>> Okay-- ooh!

Ow!

(groaning)

Whew.

>> Well done.

>> Thank you.

That was awesome.

*

Yo, yo, yo, this your boy

Always Teste.

We out here at the pet store.

I just got a "jobby-job."

That's right!

Y'all are about to meet

my little brother Gill.

What's up, Gill?

Ha-ha, Gill chillin', dog.

*

You guys being helped?

Anybody helping y'all?

>> No, we're not, we're just--

>> No?

How y'all doing it?

Y'all got a minute?

I'll show you a couple new

members of the family we got.

>> Sure.

>> Yeah, check it out.

Her name-- well, her name's

Patty, but I call her

Sir Mix-a-Lot 'cause

when she eat, she like

her food mixed up a lot.

Get it?

Y'all can't tell nobody

I showed you this one.

>> Okay.

>> Check it out, check it out.

Come on in, you good.

This is Gill.

We've had Gill for eight years.

What's up Gill?

>> What?

>> Yeah.

>> It's a silverback gorilla.

>> Eight years?

>> Yeah, what's up, Gill?

His name Gill.

>> Ahh!

>> Yeah, his name's Gill.

>> No.

>> Oh no, he's tame, he's tame.

He's totally tame, look.

What's up, Gill?

Hello, Gill,

how you doing, buddy?

He's like my little brother.

We had him for eight years.

He's like my little brother.

>> Hi, baby.

>> Come on.

>> I don't know--

Is he loose?

>> Nah, he's good.

>> Oh my!

>> No, he's good,

he can't get out.

His name's Gill, say hi to him.

Step up and say hi to him.

>> Hey, Gill, bye, Gill.

>> He's very friendly.

>> Do you like training

with him and stuff?

>> Yeah, I juggle, watch.

Gill, Gill, Gill, Gill!

Check it out, Gill.

Gill, come on, let's--

Gill, let's juggle, let's--

Catch, catch.

>> Is this real?

I'm like--

>> Oh, (bleep).

Come on, Gill.

Watch this, I'll tease him

with a banana, too.

Gill, Gill, what's up, man?

You want a banana?

You want a banana?

Psych!

Y'all wanna feed him?

>> No, man.

>> No, man, we good.

>> Yo, I tease him all

the time, he's--

Yo, check this out,

watch, watch.

Yo, Gill!

Ahh, ahh!

Gill, look!

Yo, my man, help, help me!

Help, please, please!

You want a banana, Gill?

Psych!

>> Awww.

>> I tease him all the time.

Oh, we play like that,

right, Gill, right, Gill?

Oh-- ow!

Gill, let me go, dog!

Talk to him nice,

please talk to him nice!

>> All right, now you're

freaking me out.

>> No, help, ma'am, help!

Turn on my radio,

turn on my radio!

He likes music!

Just hit the space bar.

He likes this song,

it'll usually calm him down.

Ahh!

Gill, it's your song, Gill!

It's working, it's working.

Look!

It's working!

Yo!

Yo, it worked!

Y'all gonna be on my

new TV show now.

(laughing)

>> Oh my God,

what does this mean?

(laughing)

(laughing)

>> And a lot of kids...

(mumbles incoherently)

... you know malt-licky Texas?

>> Okay.

>> Yeah, so...

>> Yeah, I've never been there.

>> All right.

Roll tide.

>> Roll tide.

Remember the words?

>> No.

>> * Alabama-lujiah

* A little dab'll do ya

* Girl I wish I knew you

* But I don't

>> * Crab Ma Stank

* Malicky too

* Ya count shot 'em

* And you told me Barteldo

* Barteldo

>> That's right.

>> * Yeah uh-huh

* Yeah the one *

>> Aww!

>> Aww, licky!

>> I think you got

a career in this.

>> Good dog.

>> That was a good song.

We'll take it on the road.

>> Oh, look at my new shirt

that Joe just made me.

Isn't it gorgeous?

My new purple shirt by Joe!

Do you love my new shirt?

I just had it made.

>> Love it.

>> Thank you!

*

Check out my new shirt.

Would you just look at it?

Feel that fabric.

>> Silky, smooth, nice.

>> Just look at it,

isn't it gorgeous?

>> Yeah, it's gorgeous.

>> It's shiny.

>> It's shiny.

>> And it really pops.

>> Yes.

>> Look at this shirt

I just had made.

I just had this custom made.

Would you look at it?

Do you like it?

Look at it!

Just look at it!

Oh, would you look at this

shirt I just had made?

Do you like it?

>> It's a little shiny.

>> Well, that's why I like it,

'cause it's nice and shiny.

That's why I got it.

You think it's too shiny?

>> I think it might be

too shiny.

>> Oh, would you look at that?

Dissed my new shirt.

Would you look at that?

Are you serious?

>> I am serious.

>> Oh my gosh,

would you look at that?

Unbelievable.

* Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah

* Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah *

Oh, would you look at

my new purple shirt?

Just look at it, it's gorgeous.

>> Just look at it.

>> Just look at it,

that's all you can do.

I'll keep looking.

Keep looking, okay?

All right?

All right, just look

at it, okay?

All right, right, right, right.

Okay, all right, thank you.

*

>> Hey, guys, this is Skippy.

And I'm gonna join some

people for lunch today.

Or I'm gonna try.

*

These look like a couple of

nice gentlemen.

I think I'll join you.

Hey.

>> Hey, salsa, look at you!

>> That is really disturbing.

(laughing)

>> What?

Cheers?

(laughing)

>> 'Cause I really don't

wanna go.

>> Oh, man!

He just dropped his whole

ice cream, look.

He's gonna pick it up and put it

back up on there.

Oh my God!

>> Want some?

>> Pigeons and everything else

has been on that table.

>> Look at him.

>> He's looking, I know.

>> He's fixing to make me mad.

>> I really don't think

he's all there.

>> At least that dude's working,

though, you know what I mean?

>> Look at this.

Now, you can't tell me

he can't see us in here.

He's crazy.

I told you he was.

(laughing)

Oh, me.

I wish you had some blinds here,

I'd sure let 'em down.

Nuh-uh.

>> Really?

Dude, go away, you're

getting on my nerves.

Let me eat my lunch in peace.

>> We may have to have an

escort out of here.

Quick, what's the number

to 9-1-1?

>> Oh, my gosh,

he's coming in here.

>> You're on my new show.

>> Oh my God!

>> Oh my God!

>> Are you serious?

(laughing)

>> So will you guys be on

my new TV show or what?

>> Yeah, totally!

>> Awesome.

>> So you know you're

not right, right?

(laughing)

*

*

>> Ahh...

*

I'm a bush!

(shrieking)

(laughing)

(groaning)

>> Oh my God.

>> Yeah, yeah, that's what

I keep trying to--

(bleeps)

Same (bleep), you know

what I mean?

Bushman.

(bleep)

Hey, buddy, I like that suit.

Nice suit.

Looking sharp.

Hey, y'all.

Hey, how y'all doing

out here today?

My name Barteldoo.

Hey, y'all ready to

play or what?

Ready to chop ol'

mumble jumble?

Come on, let's go.

(mumbles incoherently)

>> What?

(mumbles incoherently)

>> All right.

Meighteen mine.

Meighteen mine.

Meighteen nine.

I'll show y'all if

you don't believe me.

Please, I'm doing

the best I can.

Murty smeben, "M."

Menh!

(crowd grumbling)

Smenh...

Tell 'em that...

(crowd grumbling)

All right, next number.

Firty Four "M."

Nuttle down now, nuttle down.

Nuttle down.

"B" bitty one.

Bingo!

Bingo was his name-o.

Right there, folks.

Bingo was his name-o.

Bam, that's how we do here.

Huh?

Bingo?

Bingo?

I confused.

What going on?

Does she have it or not?

>> No!

>> Well, why'd you yell Bingo?

Man.

You confusing the hell

out of me now, girl.

Settle down.

*

- So my dad was a dog cop.

His dad was a dog cop.

I want to serve the canine community.

[rock music]

He's definitely a wolf.

You know how I can tell?

We do a test on the field.

Woof!

Woof, woof!

I got him. There he is.

- [yells] Here, Gilbert.

- [yelling] - Here, take him.

Take him!

- [yells] - Get him.

- No, no!

I will not go near that thing.

- Read the top line for me.

- I can't see the first line.

Oh.

>> Could you help tie

my shoe please?

I can't--

I can't reach my shoe.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh...

Thank you very much.

>> You okay?

>> Yes.

You know what?

Can you please--

I have sunblock in my pocket

and I need to put sunblock

on my head.

Can you put sunblock

on my head, please?

Thank you.

More?

>> You want more--

>> Yeah, yes.

*

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