Original subtitles

>> Hey, guys.

I'm Ed Bassmaster,

and you may have seen me on

Youtube.

>> The loony wheels.

And that is me.

>> What are you talking about?

>> I'm a bush!

>> That's me, too.

>> The crawfish here is amazing

>> Yeah.

>> I just ordered it.

>> When I see a car like this,

the first thing I do is I say,

"Would you look at this?"

>> Yeah, all of those guys

are me.

>> Ed Bassmaster!

>> You're my favorite.

>> I have almost a billion views

on the internet, and now I'm

going to take what I do to

television.

(flatulence)

(woman screams)

>> This is "The Ed Bassmaster

Show."

Hey, guys. Bushman here.

Today I'm not going to be

scaring people. I'm going to be

farting on people with the good

old hand under the armpit.

(flatulence)

(flatulence)

>> What was that?

There is something--

>> It's a grapevine.

(flatulence)

>> Oh! (bleep).

>> Excuse me.

Got a little gas.

(flatulence)

Excuse me.

(laughing)

>> Oh, my God!

(flatulence)

>> Excuse me.

Sorry about that.

I just got done eating.

(laughing)

(flatulence)

(woman screams)

Excuse me. I have gas.

I have a little gas.

It's only--

It was only a fart, hon,

excuse me. I'm sorry, I did not

do that on purpose.

That was very rude of me.

I'm sorry.

>> Brett Sellars here.

We're live at the park,

where apparently, there is a

sandwich thief on the loose.

That's right.

We're going to try to find out

if anybody had witnessed any of

these sandwich thieveries.

Word is that they're gonna be

setting up stakeouts around

dinner time.

Are you guys aware that there is

a sandwich thief loose in the

park?

Not at all? Cut, cut.

Could you guys do me a favor?

>> Yes, sure.

>> Could you, uh...

I gotta get the story.

I can't go back to the newsroom

without the story. Could you

please--

Yes, please.

Just go along with it if you

don't mind.

Okay, folks, we are on the scene

with two victims of this

sandwich thief.

Ma'am, tell us what happened.

What were you thinking?

>> Okay. Could you give us a

little bit more energy?

Like, you're really upset about

this sandwich being taken from

your hand.

>> Okay.

>> So he just came up and took

the sandwich--

We're gonna get to the bottom

of this. The cops are on the

scene right now.

The cops are on their way.

Everybody, the bomb squad,

they're bringing out full force.

>> So what do I do now?

>> Uh, right now, we're gonna

just have you stand by to just

fill out a complaint.

>> Okay.

>> Hey, guys, Skippy here.

I'm out here in Nashville on my

Segway.

And teaching people all about

safety and how to be safe on the

streets.

Gotta wear a helmet.

Uh, just make sure you obey all

the traffic laws.

Um, and just make sure you look

both ways while crossing the

road.

And always keep an ear out for

traffic. Keep your eyes and ears

open at all times.

It's very smart to do that.

Remember, this is Skippy, AKA,

Mr. Safety.

Just upload this.

Huh?

Hi. What are they doing?

Oh, okay.

Oh. I'm sorry.

(car horn honking)

Sorry. Hold on.

Oh.

(car horn honking)

Watch out.

Some people don't watch where

they're going.

>> Hey, guys, Emilio here,

and I'm gonna go butt into

somebody's conversation.

Come on, let's go butt in.

Right.

Right, right, right.

Okay.

>> In 1939--

>> Wow, would you look at that?

1939, I wasn't even a thought.

>> I know you weren't.

You're a baby.

There you go.

>> Hey, whatever you say, hon.

>> Yeah.

He was in love with my mother

when he was a teenager.

>> Love at first sight?

>> I think so.

>> I think so.

>> And then after she saw him

a grown man--

>> That did it, huh?

>> That did it.

That was it.

>> And he had a velvet collar.

>> Oh, no, he didn't.

A velvet collar.

Would you look at that?

Velvet.

She was more than looking.

>> Yeah.

*

>> This is a prank call.

(phone ringing)

Hi. Did my number show up?

>> Yeah.

>> Okay, I need you to write it

down and take it off your call

list, please.

Well, I have thousands of issues

but that's besides the point.

You never made a phone call?

Well, make pretend you dialed

one digit wrong and you called

me by accident.

Well, now that my number is

stored in your phone, how do I

know you won't misdial it

by accident? You should know.

Well, we're talking on the phone

right now, aren't we?

Because I didn't want you to

call me first.

I didn't want you to call me.

No, I don't want you to.

No, no, no, I've never done

that. But anyhow, I just want to

make sure that I'm guaranteed to

never receive a call from you.

I want to be taken off that list

right now.

Write it down!

Then write it down and scratch

it off.

>> About ready to look for a

pair of boots with Mumbles and

Dustin. Dustin is gonna be my

interpreter--

Interpretator.

'Cause, uh...

(mumbling incoherently)

>> I can understand Malt Lickey.

>> That's right, Malt Lickey,

Texas, baby.

Oh, hey.

>> You need help?

>> Bartledoo?

>> Sorry?

>> Bartledoo?

>> Um, that's iguana.

That's lizard.

>> Oh, iguana.

>> Yeah.

(mumbling incoherently)

...crap don't stink.

(mumbling incoherently)

...these boots.

(mumbling incoherently)

>> Okay, so the styles we have

are all we have.

>> Crab on stink.

>> I'm sorry?

>> Crab on stink?

Boss. Boss.

>> I'm sorry.

(mumbling incoherently)

>> Crab on stink?

Oh, blue.

>> Blue chitchit.

Right, right.

>> Do we have boots with blue

stitching?

>> Yeah, crab on stink.

>> Oh, I didn't know what that

meant.

>> I'm gonna try this one.

(mumbling incoherently)

>> Pin and needles?

>> Peeny needles.

>> Peeny needles, on the bottom.

>> Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

>> Those are brass pegs.

You're using a lot of lingo I'm

not familiar with.

>> (mumbles incoherently)

>> Oh, the heel.

>> Yeah.

>> Okay, so that's a--

That's a walking heel.

>> Yeah, kimra tissum?

>> I-- What does that mean?

>> Like for two-stepping, like,

down in Texas.

>> Right, right, right.

>> Where are you from?

>> Malt Lickey.

>> Oh, Malt Lickey, Texas?

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.

>> Oh.

>> There you go.

>> From Malt Lickey, Texas.

>> What's your normal shoe size?

What do you normally wear?

>> Smautch.

>> Do you normally wear a nine?

Do you normally wear an 8.5?

>> Probably smautch.

>> I'm gonna go with 8.5.

>> Yeah, it's a little big.

(mumbles incoherently)

>> But it would break in.

>> Oh, okay.

(mumbles incoherently)

>> I-I...

>> Yeah, I was gonna ask did you

want to be on my TV show.

It's called "The Ed Bassmaster

Show."

>> Oh, my God.

Dude! Yeah!

How'd I do?

>> You were awesome.

>> You did great.

>> I'm hiding.

They'll never find me.

They're looking for me.

They'll never find me,

Grandmother.

They'll never find me.

They'll have to take me alive.

(flatulence)

>> Excuse you.

She farted right on me.

For cryin' out loud.

Yeah. Can you believe it?

Walks by, farts right in my

face. Unbelievable.

No respect.

(flatulence)

Excuse you?

>> Oh, my God!

(flatulence)

>> Oops, excuse me. I'm sorry.

I have gas. I'm sorry.

I pooped in my pot. Ha ha.

I pooped in my pot

>> Yes!

>> Uh, it was real. I'm sorry.

(flatulence)

One for the road.

(flatulence)

>> (laughing) God.

>> Seriously?

>> Just a little gas.

Everybody farts.

Have a good day, guys.

>> Shakey, here.

I'm about ready to go out on a

little fishing excursion.

I'm going to bring this guy out

and we're gonna get it done.

Hop aboard, man.

Good to meet you pal.

>> How you doing?

>> Good, man.

Let me move my coffee, Jeff.

You can have a seat right here,

man. Make yourself at home.

Yeah, I got to keep my coffee

intake flowing, man.

It's important to stay hydrated

on coffee.

In order for me to do my job

effective and get, you know,

get...

Let me get my coffee back.

And get work, you know, and stay

busy, I got to go--

So Brian hired me on and this

is only my second day working

for him.

So, you know, hopefully,

hopefully I can do good.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Everybody fishes different.

You know what I mean?

>> Yeah.

>> And I have my own techniques.

And to each his own, right?

Donut time!

Yeah, baby!

Yeah, what you want?

What you want?

I made this lure, man.

It's a Shakey head rattle,

and I took some of my own hair,

man, and I put it on.

Check it out, dawg.

Yo, what's up now, fish? Yo!

Get-get get him!

There's a certain technique with

a Shakey head.

Let it sink to the bottom.

Hold your rod tip down, right?

>> Right.

>> And go to the left one shake.

And to the right one shake.

And then go rod tip up and arch

your back all the way up.

And you're gonna wanna point

the rod tip up to the sky.

Look at your rod tip, right?

Give it a shake, shake, shake.

Shake, shake, shake.

Say "Shake, shake, shake."

>> Shake, shake, shake.

>> Shake that tip.

Shake that tip.

Make sure that you shake

that tip. Shake it, shake it.

Keep it shakey, Jeff, keep it

shakey.

Shake the knees up, they can

feel that vibration.

>> I got it, I got it, I got it.

>> Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

I like going fast, man.

I love going fast.

Whoo-hoo! I love it, man!

You ever heard of fish calling?

Sounds like a joke,

but watch this.

Hey, dumb-ass!

>> (laughing)

>> I'm coming in after you.

Jeff, come down here with me.

I brought Jeff! Tell 'em, Jeff!

>> I'm here.

(laughing)

>> Oh, man, I need another sip

of coffee. You know what?

Let's chum.

You want coffee?

Come on, man, wake up.

We got coffee for you.

Come on, man, get your morning

coffee on.

I even brought beans, man.

They like beans.

I come prepared, man.

Chum for 'em.

Come on, baby.

This scent really drags 'em in.

>> Come on.

>> No lie.

>> That's what this is meant

for?

>> That's why this is in here,

man.

I see one.

You see him?

Right there.

Hyah!

Where'd he go?

Got away.

>> How deep is it?

>> Oh, it's deep.

I can't hit the bottom.

>> (laughing)

>> I almost had him, man.

>> That's awesome.

>> I almost had him.

But I really had you going,

didn't I?

You're on my new TV show.

It's called "The Ed Bassmaster

Show."

>> You're lying.

>> I swear to God, man.

That's my crew right there on

that boat there.

We have all those guys up there.

They're all with us.

>> I'm thankful that you are...

>> Are a character and not real?

>> Yeah.

>> * Check it out

* I'm on the ukulele

* I'm like a rocket

* Or better yet

* A comet like Haley

* I'm like in the garden

* And listen up

* The women's heart

* And I'm breaking 'em

* I'm never faking 'em

* For goodness' saking 'em

* Check it

* I wreck this mic

* And I inspect it

* I come back and inflect it

* Listen up

* Your getting infected

* If you try to rap with me

* Understand?

Yeah. That's what I'm talking

about right there.

That was good.

>> Hey, guys, this is Skippy,

and I'm outside Off-The-Wall

Yogurt, some of the best yogurt

in town. Let's go try it.

Welcome to Of-the-Wall Frozen

Yogurt.

>> Hey, how are you?

>> I'm doing pretty good.

>> Wait, I'm on TV.

Can I call you back?

>> What flavors are you looking

to try?

>> Well, this is my first time

in, so I'm--

>> I can show you the flavors.

We got 16 of them.

>> Sure.

>> We have Belgian Chocolate.

>> No.

>> Simply Vanilla.

>> California Cherry is

tempting.

>> We have Peanut Butter Blast.

>> What else?

>> Salted Caramel Popcorn.

>> Interesting.

>> Graham Cracker Pie.

>> Mmm.

>> Burst of Berries.

>> Not my thing.

>> Mint Chocolate.

>> I'm not that old yet.

>> We have Raspberry Razzle.

>> I'm good.

>> Strawberry Shortcake.

>> Ooh, my life story.

>> And Watermelon Splash.

>> That's all right. I already

know what I am gonna get.

>> Okay, what did you go with?

>> California Cherry.

>> California Cherry, everybody.

Good choice, Jeff.

>> Oh, it's so smooth and rich.

And the color, oh.

Wonderful. Succulent.

>> You heard it right here.

Thank you, Jeffrey.

Thanks for stopping in.

>> Oh, yes, I am beautiful.

And today Gerard is going to

draw beautiful portrait

caricature for people on the

boardwalk.

Come on, let's go.

Ladies, how about a free

caricature? It's free.

Beautiful young lady, how about

a free caricature?

Free of charge.

You will love it, trust me.

>> Okay.

>> Beautiful, you are beautiful.

Italian woman making meatballs

and spaghetti type?

>> Yeah.

>> Oh, yes, I love.

>> Where are you from?

>> Uh, Yukoslakia.

>> Really?

>> Yes, I'm living in

Yukoslakia.

In my country, my face is on

many buses.

If you are looking at the back

of a bus, you will see me like

this.

>> Really?

>> Let me see how beautiful you

smile. Yes, beautiful.

How old are you, Sophie?

>> 18.

>> 18. Oh, my goodness.

Just of age.

>> I know.

>> To vote I'm speaking.

Mwah, this is beautiful, and

I think you may get many monies

for this on eBay if you try.

>> (laughing)

>> You like?

>> Yes, I like.

I'll take it with me.

>> Thank you.

Do you mind if I keep this one?

It looks so good, I'd hate to

give this one away.

>> Hey. Bartledoo.

Hey, Bartledoo, crab on stink.

Mumbles working here at the

boot store today.

Come on, we're gonna go help

some people.

(mumbling incoherently)

...on that boot?

That's a chocker boot.

Feel that.

(laughing)

(mumbling incoherently)

>> What's that?

>> You going to Simon's on this?

>> Are we going to Simon's?

>> No, no, time, budget.

>> No, I'm just looking with

those girls.

>> Gotcha.

See the koosh all over this

like that?

It's a round stanker lardum.

See that bannies like this?

>> She's not gonna wear them for

working or anything.

She's gonna wear 'em for dancing

and fashion.

>> You could get out and shake

the plackum.

You want to plack the chacken?

We'll get the sposh. Oh, man.

All these boots.

Can I ask you a personal

question?

(mumbling incoherently)

>> Hmm?

>> This green, is it...

(mumbling incoherently)

...on one of them boots?

Or that's just...

(mumbling incoherently)

49 price on boots?

>> I have no idea.

>> It's just like this.

(mumbling incoherently)

>> I-I...

>> See what I'm saying? Like...

(mumbling incoherently)

(mumbling incoherently)

I'm sorry. I'm from Malt Lickey.

You understand what I'm saying?

>> I don't actually know a lot

about boots.

>> No, no, no, you don't--

I'm just curious, uh--

The color, style. You ladies

know a bit about style.

Is it...

(mumbling incoherently)

>> I...don't really like

the green.

>> Yeah.

(mumbling incoherently)

Where are you from?

>> Chicago.

>> Chicago.

Oh, Malt Lickey, Texas.

>> All right.

>> Yeah.

>> Cool.

>> Bartledoo.

>> Laura.

>> Laura? Bartledoo.

Hey. These guys, they know who

I am, right?

>> Yeah.

>> 'Cause I'm not Bartledoo.

I don't really talk like this,

so...

We're filming a TV show.

See this camera here?

>> Oh, God.

>> Oh, my goodness.

>> I was trying to be so polite.

>> I know you were.

It was beautiful.

>> And action.

That's right, Brett Sellars here

today, folks.

We need to get some b-roll.

For those of you who don't know

what b-roll is,

it is just some background shots

for our news program.

Let's go get some b-roll.

And action.

>> Hablo?

(mouthing words)

>> Keep it moving, sir.

We're doing b-roll here.

Thank you.

Unbelievable.

Sorry about that.

(no audio)

>> Oh, would you look at that?

It's a pedal tavern.

Let's go check it out.

Welcome aboard the pedal tavern.

I don't work here, I just felt

like saying it.

>> All right, everybody, pedal!

>> Pedal!

>> Oh, would you look at this?

It's getting a nice breeze.

Hi!

Just look at us.

We're here at the pedal tavern

in Nashville, Tennessee.

Looking at it.

Hey!

Just look at it!

Just look at us! Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

Look at us, everybody!

We're on a pedal tavern! Yay!

Hi!

You got to try the pedal tavern,

it's fun.

You can look at a lot of things

while you are on it, you know?

(police siren sounding)

Oh, we're getting pulled over.

We're getting pulled over.

We ran-- I'm outta here.

(sirens approaching)

Bye!

(flatulence)

(woman laughing)

(flatulence)

(flatulence)

>> Tuesday.

(flatulence)

>> 4:00 Thursday--

>> What was that?

>> I don't know.

>> Excuse me.

>> Oh, it's a person.

What's your name, Mr. Bush?

>> I'm the Bushman, if you

look me up. You see, I made a

living scaring people as a bush.

Now I'm just farting on people.

(flatulence)

>> Well, have a great bush--

>> You have a wonderful day,

ladies.

>> Bush-like day.

>> Thank you.

Enjoy your lunch.

(flatulence)

Brrrett...

Sellars here, folks.

- You should really get your bowels checked out

by a professional.

- Yes. - It's not right.

- That is true, but that's personal.

That's a low blow.

Every time I come down here...

[metal crashes]

I'm out of here, dude.

- I'm gonna get a light.

- Maybe you got ghosts. [laughs]

- First blind date. Happy as can be.

- [laughs]

- Matter of face, maestro!

- [laughs] [violin music]

[rock music]

- Oh, this is lovely.

>> We're filming a show for CMT.

It's called "The Ed Bassmaster

Show."

Yeah, we got a camera crew

following us and everything.

Didn't you see the little car

with the camera on top?

>> Yes.

>> Yeah, that's for us.

>> Oh, my God!

>> Pick a camera, any camera.

Look at it!

Look at it!

>> Look at it!

Look at it!

>> Keep it going!

>> Look at it!

>> Would you just...

>> Look at it!

>> Can you just look at this?

>> Look--

Thank you!

You guys are great.

You guys are awesome.

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