Original subtitles

>> Hey, guys.

I'm Ed Bassmaster

and you may have seen me on

YouTube.

The Looney Wheel...

And that is me.

>> What are you talking about?

>> I'm a bush!

That's me too.

The crawfish here is amazing.

>> Yeah.

>> I just ordered it.

When I see a car like this,

the first thing I do is I say,

"Would you look at this?"

Yeah, all of those guys are me.

>> Yes, yes, yes!

>> You're my favorite!

>> I have almost a billion views

on the Internet

and now I'm going to take

what I do to television.

Can you mention that he was

attacked in the buttocks too?

This is

"The Ed Bassmaster Show."

Folks at home, folks at home.

We're here at

Franky and Johnny's in

New Orleans, and, uh, they just

hired a new waiter in there.

I think his name is Mumbles

or something.

So we're going to go

check that out.

*

>> Hey!

How y'all do?

>> Hi, how are you?

>> Good, good.

(mumbles incoherently)

(chuckling)

Go over a couple of specials

with you.

I've got a great

tossed salad with...

(mumbles incoherently)

Served cold or chilled

if you like it...

(mumbles incoherently)

*

We got a baked...

(mumbles incoherently)

... and he gonna prepare that

with like some...

(mumbles incoherently)

We got...

(mumbles incoherently)

(chuckling)

>> I'm sorry.

I'm going to fast, I know.

I'm going to fast.

I'm sorry.

Let me go over, uh,

we got specials today.

We got a tossed salad with

egg notch, linky burgers

we're serving today,

it's gonna come with...

(mumbles incoherently)

And then we got crapmall steak.

The crapmall steak I recommend

with a fleet wine with a...

(mumbles incoherently)

(mumbles incoherently)

Most people don't like that.

How y'all like it?

>> Uh... how do we like what?

>> 'Merican?

>> Yeah, American cheese.

>> 'Merican?

'Merican cheese?

>> American.

>> American?

>> Yeah, American.

(laughing)

>> I'll be right with you.

>> I couldn't understand him

and he couldn't understand me.

Like a Russian and a Chinese

talking to each other.

*

*

(blathering)

(laughing)

(barking)

(screaming)

>> Stop it!

(laughing)

>> How you doin'?

(screaming)

>> God, you scared

the crap out of me.

>> How you doin', hon?

>> Oh my God!

>> Oh, I'm sorry,

I didn't mean to offend you.

I'm sorry,

I was just saying hi.

Sorry about that.

Brett Sellars here reporting

live for... some news station.

All right, talk to you later.

And we're rolling live

in three, two, one.

Folks, how are we?

Brett Sellars here.

We're live in the park today.

We just witnessed

a horrible attack.

We're here live on the scene.

How are you, sir?

Did you witness the attack?

>> I did not.

>> Okay, we--

Guys we need to find somebody

that actually witnessed

the attack.

On the south end of the park

there was two guys

walking through and were

literally attacked by pigeons.

>> Are you guys serious?

>> Yes, yeah, dead serious.

25-year-old male, shredded.

He, uh-- lacerations

to the back of the neck.

A couple came from below,

attacked him in

the buttocks area.

>> Wow.

>> It happened all

right over there.

You didn't witness any of this?

>> I did not.

>> All right, they wanted us to

bring back the story.

I can't go back to the studio

and say, "Oh, we didn't have

any witnesses."

Just do your best.

It's not a big deal.

You're not going to get--

you're not going to get

subpoenaed to court.

It was a pigeon attack,

for crying out loud.

Okay.

Brett Sellars here.

Uh, we're on the scene of the

pigeon attack in the park here.

What did you witness, pal?

>> Oh man, there was just

a couple guys walking,

and all of a sudden...

full on just a couple birds

came down and then

saw this guy's just neck

start just bleeding.

I'd never seen-- I'd never seen

a bird just go after

somebody like that.

A few more birds piled on

and were biting and clawing his

legs and his lower back--

>> Down to the buttocks.

>> Yeah, ripping his shirt off.

>> Yeah.

Can you mention that he was

attacked in the buttocks too?

>> Yeah, they were, uh,

clawing at his pants

and tore his ass up, honestly.

I...

>> Unbelievable, unbelievable.

>> I've never seen anything

like it.

>> That's right.

Folks, you heard it here.

Brett Sellars.

Thanks so much for your account.

Back to you.

Hey, Emilio here.

Would you just look at all these

people in the park today?

(giggling)

Oh, would you look at this?

I'm catching up on you!

(cackling)

Oh, would you look at this?

I'm in my Surrey.

Hi, everybody, I'm riding in

my Surrey!

Coming through, coming through!

(laughing)

Would you look at this?

I'm passin' ya.

(cackling)

Hop in, I'll give you a lift!

Oh, would you look at that?

I got an empty seat,

you want a ride?

Come on in,

I'll give you a ride.

Hop in, I'll give you

a little ride.

Come on, come on,

let's go for a little ride.

Hop in, hon.

Strap up, get ready.

Come on, let's go look at it.

>> Wait, wait, wait.

>> I'll do the pedaling,

you relax.

I got you, hon.

>> Oh no, let me help you!

>> All right, here we go.

Oh, look at that lake,

it's beautiful.

>> It really is.

>> Would you just look at it?

It's gorgeous!

Look at this!

Look at the clouds,

they're beautiful!

>> They're beautiful!

>> Oh, look out for this guy,

we're going to run him over!

(laughing)

Oh, it's a beautiful day.

* Look at this

* Look at that

* Look at everything

* Just look at that

>> Okay.

>> Door-to-door service!

(imitating brakes screeching)

Thank you, Brenda!

>> This was great.

Well, thank you for the ride!

>> Oh, thank you!

*

>> Hey, guys, Skippy here

and it looks like my date

never showed up

but hopefully Sarah's date does

and we can have some

fun with him.

*

>> So you can take this table

right back here

and I'll be right back

with some menus for you guys.

>> Oh my God, have you

been here before?

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah?

So is it the seafood

that's really good?

>> The crawfish here is amazing.

>> Yeah.

>> It's awesome.

>> Thanks.

>> I just ordered it.

(laughing)

>> Thank you.

>> Um, I went to my first

crawfish boil.

>> Oh yeah?

>> Yeah.

Like a month ago now.

Thank you!

>> Here's some menus.

Can I start you out

with any drinks?

>> I'm gonna get a Coke.

>> A Coke?

All right, it'll be right out.

>> Um--

>> Don't mind me, guys,

I'm waiting on a date.

>> Okay.

>> Hey, it's all good, man.

>> I brought her a rose.

>> Aww.

>> I'm Skippy.

>> Good to meet you, Skippy.

>> Skippy-- what's your name?

>> Dustin.

>> Destin?

Hi.

>> Hi-- hi.

>> Your name?

>> Sarah.

>> Sarah, Skippy,

nice to meet you.

>> Nice to meet you.

>> Don't mind me.

Just waitin' on my lady.

>> Yeah, so they had this

big crawfish boil...

>> Waiting on my lady.

Speaking of...

>> ... about a month ago

and the tables like went

all the way down the block.

And it was my first one, so I

didn't really know how it went.

And I, um...

I was there and I was inside

taking photos of a band and--

>> Was it Reverb?

>> I think they played first.

>> Because they play there

every week.

>> Yeah?

>> Yeah.

>> Hey.

Brittany, it's Skippy.

Uh, I'm here.

I'm not sure if you're

coming or not but...

I'll wait for another

ten minutes and if I guess

you're not here,

I assume that it's off.

Thank you, bye.

>> ... I missed it completely.

But then I got

my second chance, so...

(laughing)

>> You guys are having

a great time.

>> Yeah.

>> Cheers to that!

Whoops.

>> Thank you.

>> Sorry about that.

Cheers, bud.

Coffee cheers!

There we go!

>> Yeah, but, uh...

Where do you live now?

>> Um, still in--

>> Coliseum Street.

>> Sorry.

>> Okay, where is that?

>> Um, just down--

down the street.

Not too far.

>> She's pretty.

Hey, here's to you

and to you guys.

I don't think mine

is showing up, so...

>> Hey, it's okay, buddy.

>> Yeah.

That's easy--

easy for you to say.

You got a hot one here.

(laughing)

Really hot.

>> Oh my God.

>> Sorry, Skippy, you're

kind of bothering us.

>> Yeah.

>> Oh, I apolo--

>> It's okay.

>> I thought we were cool.

>> No, we're cool, man,

I'm a nice guy.

>> Awesome, awesome.

That's what I like to hear.

>> Yeah, man.

>> I thought you were

serious at first.

(chuckling)

>> You just ask him

to leave, right?

>> Hey, man, can you

get out of here?

I'm on a date here, man.

>> Buddy.

>> What?

>> You wouldn't mind...

Him?

>> No, you.

>> Me?

>> You.

Yeah, you're bothering us.

>> All right, I'm out of here.

But before I leave,

I just want to tell ya, you're

on "The Ed Bassmaster Show."

>> Oh snap!

You got me!

You knew?

>> I knew, yeah.

Nice to met you!

(laughing)

>> Oh my God!

>> Check this out.

I can fart under my armpit.

(mimicking fart)

And we're going to go fart on

some dogs today.

Like this one.

Watch.

(whistling)

(mimicking fart)

(laughing)

*

>> Whoa, whoa.

>> Brett Sellars here along with

my accomplice, Justin Moore.

>> What's up?

>> What's up?

That's right.

We're going to go fool

some people here.

Let's go get 'em.

>> All right.

>> Brett Sellars here coming

live and direct from

"Meet A Star TV."

We're going to find the biggest

Justin Moore fans

on this planet.

We're going to have them

meet that star.

Uh, we're looking for

the biggest Justin Moore fan.

>> Yeah!

>> You're Justin Moore's

biggest fan?

>> Kelly, right here.

>> Let's go meet Justin Moore,

come on.

Brett Sellars

making dreams come true.

How do you feel

right now, Kelly?

>> I'm confused.

>> Tell us what's going on

through your mind.

>> Is this real?

>> It is definitely real.

Every week we pick a person

who wants to meet a star

and we make that connection,

we make that dream come true.

That's right.

So you're a big Justin Moore

fan, what can you

tell us about him?

>> He's handsome.

>> You heard it right

from her, folks.

How are ya?

We're just here for

Justin Moore.

>> You have credentials

for everybody?

>> Uh, I'm Brett Sellars from

"Meet A Star TV"

and I have, uh, his biggest

fan right here, Kelly.

Kelly, could you tell him

you're the biggest--

>> Hi, I'm Kelly.

>> Hi, Kelly, nice to meet you.

Unfortunately, we don't have

the proper credentials

to let you back.

You-- you have to have

tour passes to get back.

>> I was told we would have

access back here.

This is Justin's biggest fan.

I'm Brett Sellars with

"Meet A Star TV."

>> Yes, give me a second,

let me see what I can do.

>> Thank you.

Here's the thing.

We don't have the passes.

We do this all the time.

>> Are those the things that

go around you neck?

>> We don't have those.

Just act like we do.

>> That's fine.

>> Make pretend, make pretend.

Hey, how are you, pal?

>> Justin's tour manager.

>> What's your name?

>> Johnny.

>> Johnny, Johnny, hi.

Brett Sellars here with

"Meet A Star TV."

>> I'm Kelly.

It's nice to meet you.

>> Johnny, nice to meet you.

>> Melissa.

>> Johnny Miller.

>> Uh, listen, could you

do us a favor?

She is Justin's biggest fan.

Can he at least come out

and say hello to her?

>> You know, he's busy with

sound check right now.

>> Please, I mean, just this is

making me look really bad.

You gotta understand--

Can you guys cut, please?

Please?

Listen...

>> He-- he definitely loves his

fans, I can promise you--

>> Really, it's fine.

>> Please, look...

>> You know, it's not

even about money.

It's...

>> All right, come on.

>> Really?

>> Come on.

>> Here you go, folks.

>> Let's go.

>> Justin is so busy right now,

he's on stage actually

getting ready to sound check.

Tell you what, I'll show you

around on the bus.

>> That's right.

It's the next best

thing here, folks.

A tour on the bus.

>> Oh my God!

>> That's his dog, Hank.

>> If we can't meet Justin,

at least we can meet

his bus, right?

>> Yeah, at least.

Believe me, this is beautiful!

>> Are you kidding me?

>> This is his bedroom.

I feel uncomfortable

back here, but...

>> Folks, we tried to make it

happen for her.

Unfortunately,

Justin is on stage.

>> I just got a text.

>> You just got a text?

Hold on, we just got a text.

>> They just wrapped up.

>> So where is Justin?

We need to find Justin.

Wait a second--

>> I'm actually Justin.

I'm not Johnny.

>> You're Justin?

>> I'm Justin.

>> Kelly, what's going on here?

Come on, give him a hug,

darn it!

That's Justin Moore!

That's right, folks,

"Meet A Star TV."

Your host, Brett Sellars.

>> Shut up!

>> We made it happen right here.

>> And this is the biggest

break I've ever had.

>> Now this little segment

is going to be used for

"The Ed Bassmaster Show."

Did you hear--

>> You...

>> There you go, folks.

We made it happen.

We slam-dunked it!

Good job, pal, good job.

Hey, guys.

I'm in the park today and I'm

gonna try to ride my bike.

But I'm going to ask for some

help because I'm not that

good at riding by myself.

>> Yeah!

>> It's an intro.

Thanks.

That's not--

that won't make the final cut.

Don't worry.

*

Buddy, hold my seat, please?

Buddy, can you hold this for me

just so I can get on it, please?

Hi.

>> Hi, how are ya?

>> Not too good,

I wish I had a hand.

>> Can I help you?

>> Um, if you could

hold the seat, yeah,

that would be awesome.

I'm trying to just balance

myself before I go downhill.

>> You're going to be okay

riding down there?

>> Uh, I've never

gone down a hill yet.

It don't look too bad.

If you could just walk me

to like the post right there

and then I'll see if

I feel like I can do it.

Or if not, I'll just get off.

I'm just gonna get on.

You got it?

>> Yup, okay.

>> All right, ready?

>> I'm ready.

>> All right, let's go.

Let's go.

All right, you got it?

>> Yeah, I got it.

>> All right, here I go.

All right.

Oh, this is kind of

a steep hill.

All right, I'm just gonna

pull over here and get off.

>> Okay.

>> All right, you can let go.

Thanks.

>> No worries.

>> Whoa, wait, wait!

Buddy!

Bud!

(panting)

>> I'm sorry!

>> It's okay.

Oh... oh...

I got it!

I got it.

You're the man!

>> No, you're good.

>> Thanks!

Ah!

*

*

>> So I'm suiting up to be a

professional driving instructor.

*

Randy Carleton, nice to meet ya.

>> Nice to meet you, Randy.

>> All right.

I'll be your driving

instructor today.

All right, we'll have you

get in the car.

Oh, no, no, not that car,

we're using this.

*

My personal truck.

Everything look all right to ya?

>> No.

It's like messed up.

>> This here...

See?

Fixed.

What's some of the first things

you gonna check before

you get behind the wheel?

Tire pressure, very good.

Make sure you don't have a flat.

Feel how you can see

the tire moving a little bit?

That one needs air.

You know what, I don't

got a pump.

See how low this is right here?

Bowing out like that.

Just...

(blowing)

JP, do me a favor, see if

you can get some air in there?

I can't, I'm too old.

Just try to blow as hard

as you can on there

and get some air put in there.

Oh, you're turning red,

slow down.

All right, that should work.

You know what, before I get

started, you wanna check

a few minor things?

Adjust that mirror.

Make sure it's good for ya.

You know what?

You just broke it.

You got a major credit card

on you so I can just

ring you up for that?

>> I got 14 bucks.

>> I'll just take that.

All right, we'll call it even.

*

You know now right

is the same thing, but you do

a thumb gesture like this

and you yell out,

"I'm going right!"

>> I'm going right!

>> See these here cow barrels?

>> Yeah.

>> Okay, they're supposed to

perpetuate cows, all right?

In the state of Texas,

this signifies a cow.

So if you want to give them

a stop, "Cow on the road!"

Watch out, we got a couple cows.

We got a couple cows.

Let 'em know, let 'em know!

>> Cow on the road!

>> You didn't stop!

You need to tell them,

out the window, "Stop."

>> Stop, we've got a cow

on the road.

>> Yeah, yeah, there you go.

(cow mooing)

(cell phone ringing)

Who is this?

Oh, that's my probation officer.

Yeah, Thom.

I'm not lying, I'm at work.

Yeah, I'm right here

with my boss.

Hold on, hold on.

Hold on, please.

All right, listen here.

I'm supposed to be

on house arrest.

So could you just do me a favor

and say, "I'm Randy's boss.

"Everything's good here.

We ain't doing nothing illegal."

I don't wanna go back to jail.

You tell him you're my boss.

His name's Thom,

he's my PO officer.

>> Hey, Thom, this is Randy's

boss from work.

I'm the CEO of the company.

>> Tell him he can't

send me back to jail.

Tell him you need me.

>> You can't send Randy back to

jail because we need him

for the company.

>> Thank you.

You're the man, you're the man.

He's the man.

(thundering)

All of the sudden, we're riding

through a thunderstorm,

pouring rain,

what's the first thing

you're going to do?

>> Ah, turn on

the windshield wipers?

>> Ah, hell, you better roll up

that window before

you get soaked.

Now, since it's not raining,

we're going to make it rain.

Yo, Tad!

Bring that rain.

Here he comes.

There's my man Tad.

Don't mind him.

He's a little off-key

right there.

(chuckling)

So now we're riding through

the rain.

Oh no, what are we gonna do?

We can't see nothing.

Turn on the windshield wipers.

They ain't working.

We're going to crash,

we're going to crash

if you don't fix that.

Put the goggles on!

You're going to get wet!

You aced it!

Yo, high five.

Congratulations.

Let's celebrate, man.

You want a beer?

>> No thank you.

>> Yeah, all right!

My man.

Check this out, my man,

come over here.

See the van over here?

>> Yeah.

>> Hidden-camera show

for you right here.

My name's Ed Bassmaster,

dude, I'm a comedian.

It's a hidden-camera

prank show, dude.

>> Oh, it is?

>> Yeah.

>> That's awesome.

>> It's (bleep) awesome.

You got soaked, man.

>> Yeah.

>> You took one for the team.

My man.

Yo, yo, yo,

this your boy Teste.

I just got a job at

the convenience store today.

I'm here to tell you, dog,

numbers ain't my thang.

What's going on, dog?

*

>> Pump two, whatever's left.

>> 20 on which pump?

>> Ten-- ten on two.

>> 20 on... on two?

So you want 20 on two?

>> No, whatever's

left out of this.

>> You wanted 20 on four?

>> 20-- no, $10 on pump two.

>> $10 on four.

My bad.

(chuckling)

Ten-- ten on...

>> I'm confused.

>> I'm sorry, ten on five

or we're ten on four?

>> Ten on two.

>> Ten-O-two.

Ten-O-two on what--

on what pump?

>> $10 on pump number two.

>> Okay, so you're going to be

at pump number two

and you want how much?

>> That's for him.

>> I though you just said

$10 for pump--

>> I'm telling you what he said.

>> I'm sorry about--

Numbers ain't my thang, dog.

*

>> I'm a bush!

(bleep)

(laughing)

(screaming)

>> Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoo-hoo!

>> What the hell?

(screaming)

(all screaming)

*

>> What kinda bikes are these?

>> These are called Surreys.

>> Oh, would you look

at these things?

They're gorgeous!

*

Just look at the chrome

on the bumpers!

Just look at that chrome.

>> Yeah.

>> Look at the chrome wheels.

>> Uh-huh.

>> Gorgeous.

Oh, look at this little

yellow basket.

That's for kids to ride in?

>> That's for kids to--

>> Would you look at that?

How fancy.

>> This can fit six adults--

>> Six adults?!

Oh, would you look at that?

Is that a six pack?

(snickering)

Oh, and an umbrella on top

to keep you dry.

>> Right.

>> Would you look at that?

You're not getting wet

on this ride, huh?

(cackling)

>> I'm telling ya.

>> How fast do they go?

>> They're going at

moderate speed, but you can go

a little faster than that.

>> Yeah, you'll be looking at

everyone behind ya.

>> Oh yeah, yeah.

>> Yeah, you'll be like

going too fast-- look at this,

look at that, look at this,

look at that, look at this,

look at that, look at this,

look at that, look at this,

look at this, look at that...

(snickering)

>> They go fast enough--

>> Yeah, yeah,

right, right, right.

Yo, yo, yo, what's good?

This your boy, Always Teste,

and my man Gil, and today we're

going to scare some people.

Let's go.

*

Yeah, give me a hand with

getting this gate open?

Yeah.

Ready?

One...

>> Oh...

>> Got him, got him!

Ha-ha.

>> Oh (bleep)!

(laughing)

>> Got him.

>> That was (bleep) up.

Y'all ain't even right.

>> Yo, my man, can you

give me a hand?

Two, three.

>> Oh (bleep)!

>> Got him!

Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about

right here.

Yo, my man.

(laughing)

Got you.

>> Got ya.

>> Three...

>> Oh, (bleeps)!

>> I got him!

Yo, dog, I got you, man.

Come on, man, I got you good.

(laughing)

>> Holy (bleep).

I'm still scared.

*

>> I'm sorry.

I'm going too fast, I know.

I'm going too fast.

I'm sorry.

All right.

>> You're all right.

>> We got some crapmall steak...

She made me lose my cool, man.

Hey.

>> I'm sorry.

>> That's okay.

I'm new here, I'm sorry.

And we got a good crap--

a good crapmall steak.

>> What kind of steak?

>> Crapmall.

(laughing)

>> I'm sorry.

*

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