Original subtitles

Okay, I can't quite get my head around this relationship.

Are they having a good time or a bad time?

Look at their knees. They're having a great time.

Someone want to tell him he has a Cheerio in his hair?

You know, I don't even think he cares.

Since he started dating Louisa,

he has ‭this whole new confidence.

He's even sleeping without a night light now.

- Like a true baller. - Oh.

Okay, Soph, have an awesome day.

Righty-o! Toodle-oo!

Speaking with a British accent is how she copes with stress,

but I have no idea what's going on with her.

Oh, it's probably just her crush.

Right.

- Wait, what? - She has a crush on Graham.

She told me on Valentine's Day. You didn't know?

Sophie has a crush?

And it's on her best friend.

Guys, this is delicate as balls.

Yeesh.

Graham's really knocking 'em down these days.

I made a hot kid.

Yes, your son's a smoke show, but that's not the point.

I can't imagine what she's going through.

I'm going in.

- Wait, no, you don't... - No, no, no, don't!

Hey, Soph. I'm just checking in. You okay?

I love Graham.

All of a sudden.

I don't know why!

- And now he's with Louisa. - Turn.

Turn.

That's bollocks, innit?

Oh, honey, it's okay. We're in this together.

Your crush is my crush.

What?

Please tell me you have something else

in the advice tank.

I do. I mean, this is pretty new to me, too.

But I got this.

After school, you and I are gonna work it out.

And until then, nobody needs to know.

You liking Graham will be our secret.

Sophie's into Graham?

Loving this.

This, ladies and gentlemen,

is why I go to school.

Here.

Good luck, sister.

Sophie's in love with me?!

Soph?

Sweetie?

You ready to talk yet?

I have ice cream.

That's a lie. I don't have ice cream.

I don't know why I said that.

Everyone at school was talking about it, Dad.

Someone in third grade made "Team Louisa" shirts.

Oh, honey.

I know it might not seem like it now,

but this will pass.

Okay, you obviously don't get it.

My life is over.

I'm so embarrassed.

No, no! Crushes aren't embarrassing.

They're just a natural part of what it means

to blossom as a woman.

When you say "blossom," I want to die.

You're the worst!

All right.

Well...

there's plenty of fish in the sea.

You know who's really peaking?

Gabe.

You want me to put in a good word with Gabe?

Why are you so bad at this?!

Honey, I'm just saying that...

Leave me, Father. Leave me.

Boy, your stories about your dad's girlfriends

are too good.

I mean, should we start a podcast?

'Cause we have the content.

- Okay, this one's named Sharon. - Mm-hmm.

She's, like, 23 and an instructor

at a trampoline/Hula-Hoop aerobics class.

No.

- That's not a thing. - Hoops, ma!

- You're killing me! - I swear on Pickle's grave.

Last night, she burned the popcorn for the third time!

- Mnh-mnh. - I said, "Girl, it's called Pop Secret,

but the instructions ain't secret!"

- I can't! - I can't. I can't.

- Oh. - Ooh, Poppy.

Hey. Hey.

Um, you sure it's okay

to be dragging Ron's girlfriends like that with Rory?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is just what we do.

It would be one thing

if Ron was serious about any of these women,

but they all have the shelf life of a Trader Joe's salad.

Oh! And those things expiiiire!

- Yeah. It's like... - Thank you! Next!

Hey, speaking of exes, um, should I be worried?

I think Zara is missing.

- Oh, my God! - From Instagram!

Okay. That's on me.

I tried tagging her in a photo, and it wouldn't let me.

Mm. That sounds like she blocked you.

Blocked?

I mean, to be fair, you post a lot of trash.

Yeah. I need a sick day to investigate this.

Miggy, that's not a sick day.

That's just you leaving in the middle of work.

Yeah, I know. Thanks for being so cool.

Wh...

Okay, he's not my most reliable employee.

Finish your juice, Rory. We got to get to your dad's.

And I hope Sharon's still in the mix,

'cause I want to hear what she burns next.

Oh. Trust me...

- She's in the mix. Get this. - Hm?

Dad asked her to move in, and she said yes!

- What? - Oh, my God.

Oh, good. You're here. Where's Graham?

He's grabbing his scooter.

I'm surprised Sophie wants to see him

after what happened at school.

A playdate's the only way to fix this.

Show 'em they're still friends.

Uh... yeah, you know,

I feel like with crushes, you just got to step back

and let 'em deal with it on their own.

That's what I'm doing with Graham.

No intervention.

And he's killing it!

Sure, but I just know my child very well,

and she needs me to guide her through this,

so I can handle it from here.

All right. If you say so.

I gotta run some errands anyway.

Maybe I'll even get a glass of wine.

- Day wine! - Ooh.

Hey, Will. Wanna find a place for this, chief?

Sure.

Bye, buddy.

You keep wearing the crap out of that necklace.

Soph, honey! Graham's here!

I'm just gonna go check on her.

She was so stoked that you were coming.

Whatever.

God, you look cool.

Hey!

Heads up, Poppy's pissed.

There she is... Poppy Banks,

my first love, wine guru, literacy hero,

my favorite person

in and out of Los Angeles County Divorce Court...

Ron, were you even gonna tell me that Sharon's moving in with you?

Poppy, are you getting jealous?

Okay, grow up.

Nobody's jealous, Ron.

You're moving a stranger into your home, where my son sleeps,

dreaming of Ryan Seacrest dying so he can take his place.

Sharon is not a stranger.

We've been dating for almost two months.

- Two months? - Yeah.

She makes me feel like the best Ron.

And, you know, all the Rons are pretty dope.

- Are they? - Yeah.

Well, I've met a lot of them.

- The thing is, that's great. - They're all dope.

- But this affects our whole family, Ron. - Mm-hmm.

I shouldn't be hearing about this first from Rory.

Did I not tell you?

I'm sorry. Honest mistake.

And... I love your eyebrows.

You still going to Rodrigo?

- Yeah. - He does good work.

- They do look good, right? - Mm-hmm... Very good.

That's not the point.

Ron, I don't know anything about this woman.

I've never even met her.

Well, then, let's change that.

Hey, Shar-Bear!

Come on in here and meet the OG!

- She's here right now? - Yeah, she moved in this morning.

- Did I not tell you? - Poppy!

- Hi! - Hey! Hug, hug, hug.

I'm so happy to finally get to meet you!

Sorry if I'm a little out of it.

I kinda got dazed watching the cityscapes on Ron's TV.

Shanghai is so pretty.

I'm gonna leave you two to have awkward small talk

- while I grab Rory. - Ron! No, don't...

Ron is such a nut.

He still has me saved in his phone

as "Girl from traffic school."

Oh, that's cool.

We're going to get Froyo. You wanna join?

Uh, no. I'm gonna pass.

Did I just hear "Froyo"?

Yeah.

And I think someone

needs to put on his midwinter windbreaker.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah. - It's chilly out there!

Very snazzy. Clean.

- Ron, do you want to... - No, she got it.

- Very nice. - Well, I-I usually...

- Did I buy that? - Wow.

Okay, well, it's not that cold.

Right? Here. There.

There.

Hey, check it out. Hey. That seems pretty good.

I just want him to be warm.

Know what's gonna keep him warm? His mother's love. Come here.

- Poppy. - Whee! I'm gonna take him to the car!

- You can't put me on your hip! - I got it!

- Really, woman?! - Okay, come on.

- Okay, got it? - Watch out, now.

Okay. Let's get some Froyo!

Sharon zipped his jacket. Zipped it!

And I was like, "Get your hands off my kid."

Who does that? You know, I mean, there are rules!

This is a society!

Are you looking for feedback?

Who's Sharon?

I can handle the idea of Ron being with another woman, fine.

But Rory, hell no!

What? Is this rando trampoline chick gonna put Rory to bed,

lay out his PJs, steam his blazers?

Okay, look, this is what you do.

You let out that natural competitive instinct,

and you terrify the hell out of this woman.

Establish dominance.

- Yes! That's what I want to do. - Okay, no, no, no.

The first step is to befriend her, get to know her.

You'll feel better.

All right. I guess I could invite her here.

But if she zips even one customer, she's toast.

Toast.

Mm.

- Day wine. - Day wine.

Hello?

Excuse me. Hello, Will. How's the playdate going?

Great, great.

Could you do me a favor and come pick Graham up?

Yeah. Why?

Because he's being a little bitch!

Excuse me?!

Stacy, how many times have I told you

to stop letting people barge into my office?

He said he was your son.

Yo, Douglas.

Your boy just went on the most savage IG deep dive.

I understood one word in that sentence.

It was "Douglas." Move.

Dude, I just found out Zara blocked me on Instagram.

So I followed her old boss at Jamba Juice,

which led me to a pic she was tagged in

by Kim's cousin, Sydney,

who had mad pictures of her bangs-gone-wrong journey, right?

Then I found one at her birthday with Zara,

and I see a comment from SpicyBrian7

that said "heart eyes emoji."

And I'm like, "Who the hell

is giving my baby mama heart eyes emojis?"

So I followed him, and I saw a pic with Zara,

and it said "#GF"!

Everyone else is busy, huh?

Zara's got a boyfriend!

So it's time.

I'm gonna do something I've been wanting to do for a while,

and I need your help.

Fine.

I know a guy who can kill SpicyBrian7 for 10K.

No, no, no, no, no.

I-I want you to remove my tattoo of Zara's name.

I don't do walk-in tattoo removals.

I am booked months in advance.

You're free this afternoon.

Thank you.

Douglas, I need your help.

Zara keeps moving on, and I want to move on, too.

All right. If it'll get you out of my office.

Come back this afternoon.

- Oh... - Quickly!

Okay.

Wow!

This place is amazing!

What made you decide to call it the Winebrary?

Ah. Well, it's a wine bar and also a bookstore.

So... wine...

library...

Okay.

You're a visionary, just like Rory said.

Can I tell you, I am having so much fun with him!

Aww.

It turns out I'm good at this mom thing.

- Really? - Yeah.

You're good at it?

Rory and I have these "Project Runway" marathons

where we just stay up all night and laugh.

There's a little more to being a mom than that.

I mean, hey, just look at my calendar.

Each one of those colors is a different one

of Rory's afterschool activities,

and he requires a different outfit for each one.

And believe me, he stays Gucci down to the socks.

Oh. Well, that does feel complicated.

Well, yeah, but that's nothing.

I mean, there's also lunch prep and carpool

and cleaning out Rory's closet twice a month

because he grows like a weed.

And then you got to stay up with him all night

after he's watched that Korean horror movie

'bout the woman with the nails.

And then you have to be the bad guy and say, "No,

you can't design that new red velvet suit

until you finish your math homework."

So, what about you? Can you be the bad guy?

Well...

if people don't stack the Hula-Hoops right,

I'm like, "Hey, guys, try to stack 'em up.

Please."

Kids need boundaries. They need you to be tough.

Otherwise, they turn into terrible, entitled people

who answer their phone at the movies.

I never thought about any of this.

Yeah.

They've sequestered themselves to different zones of the house.

- Well, what did you do? - I...

Wait.

What the hell am I looking at?

It's a tea party.

I tried to create a peaceful setting

so our children could start talking.

A tea party?

Dad, are you trying to kill me?

Well, I thought we could have a nice, civilized discussion

over a cuppa

about how we became friends in the first place.

Who wants to go first?

I will.

Sophie, what'd you dig on me first...

my looks or my vibe?

Your son has gone from confident to John Freakin' Stamos.

Remember when you both had diarrhea at "The Nutcracker"?

Dad, that was just me.

Graham was skiing!

What are you doing?!

Oh. Louisa wants to chat.

She gets mad if I don't pick up on the first ring.

New tablet. Who dis?

Kidding. I know it's you.

Hey, doll.

Oh! I lost her.

Never date a woman who lives in the hills.

You know what I mean?

I don't.

So, let me get this straight.

I got called away from my first afternoon wine in a decade

because you're having a fight with my 8-year-old son?

I tried talking to him, Angie!

He told me to "Stuff it, old man,"

breathed on an apple, rubbed it on his shirt,

and took a bite.

So this is all Graham's fault?

How is it Sophie's fault?

She hit on him when he has a girlfriend, for one thing!

And yeah, I know, Louisa doesn't talk

and she calls everyone in class "citizen," but still!

It's his lady!

Okay, well, I hope this relationship

is worth what it's doing to Sophie.

No, no, no. This is on you.

You wanted to step in and try to fix it.

But since you can't, you're blaming it on Graham,

and I won't let him take the fall for that.

Now, where is he?

Out back, tanning.

He says he looks better with a hint of bronze.

Well, guess what, Will.

He does!

Graham! Get in here!

We're leaving!

Coming, Mom! Stop yelling!

This kitty got claws.

Sharon left me.

What?!

What did you say to her?

We just had a friendly conversation, and in the middle,

I might've served up some parenting realness.

Apparently, the realness was so real that it freaked her out,

and now she's saying she can't move in with me.

Look, knowing you, knowing her,

that could be for a lot of reasons.

She left a note, and it says,

"I'm leaving you because Poppy made me realize

that I'm unfit to take care of Rory."

This is on you.

I was just trying to help.

Sharon should know what she's getting into.

Okay. Well, then... Well, tell her about

h-his favorite moisturizers, his obsession with boba,

how he prefers the version of "Annie" with Cameron Diaz in it.

Just don't scare her away from him completely!

Hey, if she can't handle the realities of parenting,

- then that's on her. - Poppy, admit it.

You weren't trying to be helpful.

You were threatened, so you mama-beared her.

Now, look, ain't nobody trying to move in

on your territory, okay?

Sharon's still finding her place in all this, too.

Or was.

You know, her and Rory were really starting to click.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

I thought she was just another

flavor of the month that we made fun of.

He does this whole bit about how she's afraid of birds.

A seagull took her keys.

- Mm. - Now, look.

He's making fun of her because you are.

Kids follow our lead on this kind of stuff.

And maybe that's why he hasn't told you how he really feels.

He likes her.

He went to her Hula-Tramp class.

- He did? - Yeah. She let him pick the music.

Well, Rory does love making a good playlist.

Last week at drop-off, he played "Hey Ya!" 12 times in a row.

- Mm. - No one was complaining.

Yeah, I mean, I would've been complaining.

- That song's terrible. - I like it.

Look, Sharon's never raised a kid,

but she's got a big heart.

And at the end of the day,

it's just one more person to love Rory.

Isn't that what's important?

Maybe you're right.

I-I barely could hear you. I'm sorry.

Maybe you're right.

Say the second and third word.

- May... - I heard that one.

- Be... - Heard that.

- Maybe... - Then after that.

Maybe you're right.

Oh!

Say it again?

Is that the second grade phone tree?

Why are you circling names?

Don't worry yourself, toots.

Figuring out my next moves.

Don't get me wrong. Louisa's great.

But a guy like me can't get tied down.

Ho'd up. Was Will right?

Are you... a Stamos?

I don't know. Is Stamos a straight-up hottie?

Are you wearing patchouli?

Okay, look, this ends right now.

I will not let you become that guy.

- What guy? - The guy I dated all through my 20s.

The guy with American flag shorts

who wears a chain unironically.

Look, you are sweet, and I don't want that to change

just because you're getting 15 minutes of fame

at Hilltop Elementary.

See, I think I can ride this wave into second grade.

I feel a mustache coming.

I'm serious.

I may not be able

to buy you cool sneakers or take you on big trips,

but I can make sure you're not a jerk.

I don't want to be a jerk.

I'm just confused.

It was weird to hear that Sophie had a crush on me.

She's one of my closest friends.

I didn't know what to do.

Who the heck do these women want me to be?

I think they just want you to be you.

Really?

Oh, thank God.

I'm not cut out to be a heartthrob.

This patchouli's murder on my eczema.

Ohh!

Welcome back, buddy.

Mm. It's strong. Too much.

Poppy?

What are you doing here?

I signed up for your class.

45 bucks.

Doesn't come with a free water bottle or... anything?

Okay. Doesn't matter.

Listen, Sharon, I shouldn't have gotten into your head earlier.

No. You were totally right.

I have no clue what I'm doing.

Rory's math homework is already way too hard for me.

What you do is so much more important.

I wouldn't know where to begin.

Look, Sharon,

being in over your head is all a part of parenting.

All that matters is that you care about Rory,

and from what I hear, you two get along great.

In fact, I can even give you some Rory tricks

I've picked up over the years

just to make it a little easier.

- Really? - Yeah.

That would be amazing.

Oh, okay, we're hugging again.

- You are mega mom goals! - Well...

Okay. Time for class.

You can have the good spot.

You know what? I don't think I'm gonna stay. I was just gonna...

Oh, you're not going anywhere!

This laser kind of hurts.

Yeah, well, it heats the ink particles

to 1,000 degrees, so... yeah.

Good God, you have a lot of these.

I can only imagine how disappointed

- your father must be. - Mm-hmm.

Is that him right here?

Yep. But Zara's was my first.

We snuck out to go to an A$AP Rocky pop-up concert,

and we were so hyped after,

Zara said we should get tattoos of each other's names.

And that's when I realized

the girl I'd been crushing on since middle school

had feelings for me, too.

Best night of my life.

Okay. I think we're finished here.

You only took off the "ara"?!

I thought you were good at this.

I thought I'd leave the "Z."

That way, you still got a piece of her.

Listen.

I have a scar on my back.

Oh, is it from your service in World War II?

- No. - Oh.

It's from when I was dating Rose.

I was making pancakes in nothing but a towel,

and a pop of oil got me pretty good on my back,

and, uh... I never got the scar removed.

Decided to keep it.

'Cause it makes me think of her.

It's nice.

I usually cook pancakes with butter, but that's what's up.

The point is that even though you and Zara are moving on,

you can still cherish the memories you two had.

The "Z" actually looks pretty dope.

You have a tattoo that says "sports"?

Mm-hmm.

That was a choice you made.

Hey, kid.

I'm so sorry I invited Graham for that playdate.

I just... I wanted to fix it.

But that tea party was a very bad idea.

Only if you wanted me to like it.

Look, I remember being your age

and talking to my parents about crushes.

And they never said the right thing.

But I always thought that I'd be able to avoid that,

that when the time came for me to talk to my kid about it

that I would know what to say or do.

And I guess I don't.

And everything I'm trying is just making things worse.

Yes! Exactly!

Dad, that's it!

That helped.

What part? What helped?

When you said you didn't get it.

I don't know why. It just felt nice.

- I'll leave you to it. - Dad?

I need you more than these guys.

- Here you go. - Oh, thanks.

You know, Gabe's dad writes for "Gotham."

I don't even know what that is.

You should.

Oh, Ror, I'd hug you goodbye, but I still can't move

from Sharon's Hula-Tramp class.

Geez, the warm-up alone was 65 minutes!

You still haven't told me how it went!

I want to hear everything.

Listen, I've been thinking,

and we can't gossip about your dad's girlfriends anymore.

It's just not right.

And besides, your dad told me

that you and Sharon are actually buddies.

Me? Friends with that dumbo? Ha!

Rory, you're a great actor but a terrible liar.

Fine.

I actually like that goofball Sharon.

I just didn't want to tell you in case it made you feel bad.

Baby, I love that you're trying to protect my feelings, okay?

But you don't have to pretend anymore.

Besides, there'll always be more gossip.

Did you hear about Graham and Sophie?

Girl, put some coffee on. Let's get into it!

Yes!

All right, your dad's here.

Hey, enjoy your special time with Sharon, okay?

She's a part of all of our lives now.

At least for the time being.

You're bad!

Ooh! I know. That was my last one.

You're so bad! That's my last one.

Come in!

- We're engaged! - Ha ha! Boom!

Ohh!

Sure we can't gossip about this?

Oh, we're gonna break this down.

Aah!

Hey!

So, this is our future.

Standing three feet away, totally helpless,

while they work things out by themselves.

Yeah. Pretty much.

It's bollocks, innit?

Hey. Sorry about yesterday.

I know I was acting weird.

Maybe you want to build forts later today?

Sure.

By the way, I don't have a crush on you anymore.

I've moved on to Rocco Risoli.

He's wearing that tank top.

Yowza!

Did you hear what I heard?

Sophie's got the hots for Rocco.

Wowie zowie, shark attack in Maui!

Ah. The kid is due.

Never should've gotten them that notepad.