Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ [theme]

Well, did you find a good movie, honey?

There's a new Japanese picture at the arts cinema:

Yukimura Samurai.

Oh, I'm not crazy about those foreign pictures.

When they're finished, I'm always 5 subtitles behind.

Those subtitles in Brigitte Bardot's pictures don't seem to bother you.

With her, who reads?

Oh, ma petit,

[French accent] To me, you are combination

of Brigitte Bardot, Gina Lollobrigida, and Larry Sherry.

Larry Sherry? Isn't he a baseball pitcher?

Mais oui. But like him, you have ze wonderful curves.

Oh. Hello, Kay.

The last time my husband kissed me

was New Years Eve, 1946.

In the dark, he thought I was the cigarette girl.

Wilbur and I are going to a movie tonight.

How about you and Roger joining us?

Oh, can't. My civic group is meeting tonight, and I'm heading up a new campaign.

Really? It sounds exciting.

Sweetie, why don't you join my club?

How about coming along tonight?

- Oh, I don't think so. - Oh, you go on, honey.

I think women should take an interest in civic affairs.

Right now, our group is fighting for something important. Very important.

Anything that helps the community helps the country.

What are you fighting for?

Benches at every bus stop.

Oh. Well, if we don't elect a woman president,

at least you'll have a few seats in the House.

- Wilbur, are you sure you don't mind? - Not at all.

This'll give me a great chance to finish up those Whittaker sketches.

- Oh, let's go, huh? - Kay?

- Hmm? - If I do join, can I be on your committee?

Well, do you like Mabel Benson?

- Not really. - Then you're on my committee.

Come on, sweetie. We'll be late.

These Westerns--

They all look alike to me.

Thought you didn't like Westerns.

I'm waiting for Leonard Bernstein.

Well, you'll have to catch Leonard Bernstein some other time.

ñ+ I have work to do.

Lowbrow.

- Hello, Wilbur. - Oh, hi, Roger.

I can't understand why you don't build an office in the house.

How can you work in a barn near this broken-down nag?

[snorts]

I have a feeling that horse doesn't like me.

Oh, by the way, your wife dropped by.

She took Carol to a club meeting.

"Club meeting"? I hope you have a good photograph of your wife.

- Why? - You may not be seeing her for years.

So you let your wife join a women's committee for civic improvement?

And what is so terrible about that?

Before Kay joined the W.C.C.I., I had a wife.

Now I find I'd married a gypsy.

Oh, she doesn't leave you alone that much.

I have to stick pins in a map to keep track of her.

Wilbur, when you let your wife join that group,

you became a husband without portfolio.

A married bachelor. A man in search of a can opener.

Now, wait a minute, Roger.

Carol would never neglect me for anything.

Mark my words. The only time you'll see her in the kitchen

is when she's passing through on her way to meet the girls.

You just don't know my wife.

Your wife, my wife-- They're all alike.

They get married to escape their parents.

Then they join clubs so they can escape their husbands.

- Oh, you're exaggerating, Roger. - ♪ [classical]

Hey! Who turned on your television set?

I must've left it on.

You know, you're all wrong about Carol.

You think Carol is different? I'd say that by tomorrow,

your dear little wife is gonna be so involved in her civic duties

that you'll be doing the shopping for her.

- Care to make a bet on that? - Any amount you want.

Sky's the limit. How about a dollar?

You got a bet. That'll be the day--

when Carol has me pushing around a shopping cart.

Oh, pardon me.

I'd like 3 tomatoes. Beef tomatoes.

The kind Mrs. Post gets.

Mrs. Post-- She real fine lady.

- You Mr. Post? - Yes.

I'm helping out today. My wife is sick.

Oh, that's too bad. I throw in extra tomato for good luck.

Oh, well, thank you very...

Here you are, Mr...

You lose something, Mr. Post?

Oh, yes. I dropped a dime.

Oh. I help you find.

I can't...

Hello, Sam. How are the endives today?

Oh, fine. I see you're shopping again.

Yes. Mrs. Addison has just started a new campaign with her civic group.

Oh, you're gonna be with us through watermelon season.

Excuse. Must find customer.

Please, if you must squeeze, squeeze apple.

Good morning.

How come you look for dime here when you drop there?

Well, you never know how far money will go these days.

You feel all right, Mr. Post?

- Oh, hello, Mrs. Post. How come you out of bed? - What?

Uh, Sam, there's a wonderful picture playing at the arts cinema.

Yukimura Samurai. Why don't you go see it?

No. American subtitles too confusing.

Wilbur, why did he ask me what I was doing out of bed?

Oh, he just takes an interest in his customers.

I'm glad you're gonna finish the shopping.

Oh, but I'm not, Wilbur. Darling, I'm on my way

to an emergency meeting of the W.C.C.I.,

so would you be a darling and take care of these things

after you finish your shopping?

"Have car washed, take shoes to repair, pick up laundry."

- I hope you don't mind, dear. - Well, honey...

Ah, thanks, honey.

I believe the wager was for $1.

Thank you, little mother.

[phone conversation]

- Ed. - Whoops.

Why do you insist on eavesdropping?

You haven't been around for 3 days. I'm lonesome.

Well, I've been busy?

Doing what? Keeping house?

What's wrong with a man helping out his wife?

Nothing, Wilma.

"Wilma"? Wilbur.

Ed, I admit I have been neglecting you,

but, really, these committee meetings of Carol

- will be all finished with in about 2 weeks. - Maybe.

If you were a real man, she'd stay home nights.

Are you suggesting that Carol is losing interest in me?

If the horseshoe fits...

What am I doing wrong?

Nothing. That's what's wrong.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I have been taking Carol for granted.

I mean, after a man's been married for a few years,

he stops showering his wife with these little attentions.

Then before you know it...

Strange cigarettes in the ashtray.

Oh, no.

Still, I can't remember the last time I brought Carol anything,

like.. well, like little things.

Like flowers.

Or perfume.

Or candy. Or even take her dancing.

Stop jumping up and down. You're making me dizzy.

Well, I'm not giving up.

No, sir.

Boy, am I glad I remained a bachelor.

Honey, I've got so much work to do.

Can I help you?

- Would you like to hear my speech? - Love it.

"Madame chairman..."

Beautiful! Beautiful! You deserve a prize for this.

Oh, Wilbur, they're lovely. What's the occasion?

You're my wife, and I love you.

Now, listen. "Madame chairman,

it is with pleasure that I report to you tonight..."

Honey! "That the funds for the benches

of every bus stop have..."

Wilbur, let me finish my speech.

- Go ahead. I'm listening. - [phone rings]

Carol?

Velly solly. Long number.

Velly solly. Long number.

Honey, you should have let me talk to her.

It might be something important.

You're a devil when there's fire in your eyes.

- Maybe I'd better call her back. - Come here, you Jezebel.

Wilbur, what's happening? What's gotten into you?

This is the real me--

ardent, impetuous, irresistible.

Yes, you're just like a great big old teddy bear.

Don't you two ever fight?

Hi, Kay.

"Velly solly, long number"?

You know, when you said it the second time, your voice fooled me completely.

Oh, it was probably an echo.

We've been getting a lot of that on the party line.

Still, I don't mind, as long as they don't double our phone bill.

Carol, I've got good news. We've just got a big contribution

from Mrs. Harding for our bus bench drive.

Oh, how wonderful! Who's Mrs. Harding?

Her husband manufactures bus benches.

Now, there is a coincidence.

You know what this means? With the added money,

we can keep our campaign going for months and months.

- Isn't that great? - And we're all gonna have to pitch in and work twice as hard,

- Honey-- - ...maybe 3, 4 nights a week.

- Forget about the club. - You can count on me.

Did you finish the correspondence, dear?

- All we have to do is stamp them and mail them. - Costs $5.

They are divine.

- Honey, this is your husband talking. - What color?

Oh, heavens, they haven't made up their mind about that.

- I'm going upstairs, honey. - We'll have to call another emergency meeting.

I'm gonna go upstairs and throw myself out of the window.

[chatter continues]

[phone rings]

Hello?

Is Carol there?

Velly solly. Long number.

- Ed, would you please get off the phone? - Is this Carol Post's house?

Yes. This is Mr. Post.

This is Mabel Benson.

Oh, Mabel. My wife left a message for you.

You are to pick up some stationery at Joanne's.

Or Agnes's.

Or was it Linda's?

I vote for Agnes.

Ed, will you get off the phone?

Who are you talking to?

Would you believe it's a horse?

Mr. Post, isn't it rather early in the morning

to be hitting the bottle?

Hello? Hello?

She hung up on us.

To quote my own immortal words,

"A man in search of a can opener."

Oh, no. I just got busy with these sketches,

so I picked up a sandwich at Hoffmeyer's Delicatessen.

- Anything wrong with that? - No.

Only, I have the feeling that for the next 6 months,

you're gonna be seeing more of Hoffmeyer than you do your wife.

Oh, I don't know about that.

You know, it's quite ironic, when you think of it.

Our wives out fighting for benches at bus stops.

My wife's never been on a bus in her life.

Well, the club is doing some good, isn't it?

"Good"? Two years ago, those women put up a fight

to save a park statue that even the pigeons didn't want.

You know, I'm not gonna beg Carol to give up the club.

I mean, if she wants to quit, she can do it of her own will and accord.

I can see you now,

celebrating your golden anniversary with Hoffmeyer.

My boy, to fill in

all those empty years ahead, I would suggest you take up a hobby.

Perhaps, oh, butterfly mounting,

stamp collecting, painting, taxidermy...

- Wait, wait, wait. Hold it, hold it, hold it. - What?

- You got it. - Got what?

- I'm gonna take up a hobby. - Yeah? What one?

Painting. That'll get Carol back in the kitchen.

Taking up painting will get Carol back in the kitchen?

Well, it will the way I'm gonna do it.

Now, see, I've got an easel here.

I just need to get some canvas, some paints...

- Do you think that's enough food? - Is Mabel Benson coming?

- Uh-huh. - Then you haven't got enough.

She's the only one I know who starts with seconds.

[clattering]

Hello, girls.

Is it Halloween already?

What in the world are you doing in that outfit?

Haven't you ever seen an artist before?

Does he get enough air in that barn?

I thought I would take up a hobby,

as long as you were busy with your club meetings.

Oh, I think that's wonderful, honey.

Tonight I'm gonna do a picture of Mister Ed.

Well, do a good job.

If it comes out nice, he may order a half a dozen.

You know, I must get that mouth on canvas.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, there are the girls.

Well, good luck with your bus benches.

You shouldn't have done that, you know.

I may never paint again.

Ed, what are you doing?

Cut off my ear and call me van Gogh.

What are you doing with my canvas?

Ed, I'm sorry.

I know I've been neglecting you lately, but...

it won't be for long.

As you all know, our campaign to get bus benches

on every corner is rapidly gaining momentum.

The reason for this meeting is to find an appropriate slogan.

Oh! Oh, I've got one.

A bench is a place for people to meet.

It's also a wonderful place to eat.

- How about this one? - [doorbell rings]

Excuse me.

Uh, sit and leave your trouble...

Hello, I'm Jane Parker. Mr. Post is expecting me.

- He is? - Yes. I'm modeling for him.

But I thought he was painting his horse.

He is. I'll be sitting on it.

We're doing Lady Godiva.

Where is your husband's studio.

It's that building in the rear.

- Right off the patio. - Thank you.

Oh, Ed, stop being so stubborn.

Nobody's sitting on my back.

You can talk. You tell it to the model.

I only talk to you and dumb animals.

Oh, very funny.

Very funny.

- Yes? - I'm Jane Parker.

Oh, how do you do? I'm Wilbur Post.

Didn't you bring your costume?

Sure. It's in here.

Well, you... you can get changed in here.

I'll be outside.

I'm painting you by moonlight.

Oh, all right.

Oh, did, um...

did my wife say anything to you?

No. She just seemed a bit surprised.

Good.

Just a minute. Excuse me.

[whinnies]

Here he comes!

It is therefore resolved that the Women's Committee for Civic Improvement...

Uh, pardon me, girls. Do you mind if I steal these olives?

Are you having martinis?

No.

Janie just had a yen for olives.

Hello, Wilbur.

- Oh, hi, Roger. - What are you doing out here?

This is part of my plan to get Carol back in the kitchen.

By painting your horse? That's ridiculous.

Well, I'm ready.

Oh, this is Mr. Addison, my neighbor. This is Miss Parker, my model.

un May I split a canvas with you?

Ah! It's Roger!

Hello, dear. Just dropped in for a tray of ice cubes.

Girls, meeting adjourned.

I think I'd better put Picasso to bed.

Relax, my dear.

Now, smile. Show me those beautiful teeth.

- Not you, Ed. - I beg your pardon?

Oh, nothing. Just smile, my dear.

Hi, dear.

Hello, honey.

Now, let's see those lovely dimples, hmm?

That's wonderful!

Darling, it was getting a little chilly,

and I thought maybe Miss Parker would like to borrow my sweater.

No, thank you. I'm very warm-blooded.

Uh, Janie, my dear, lift the knee just a little.

That's it! That's it!

Wilbur?

Yes, dear?

How long do you think it's going to take you to finish this picture?

A few weeks, a few months.

Rembrandt never punched a time clock, you know.

Guess what? I just resigned from my club.

You did?

Uh-huh. It was taking up too much of my time.

Well, you know best, dear.

What do you think?

Not very good.

It's terrible.

I'd better take up another hobby.

I think that's a wonderful idea.

That'll be all, Miss Parker.

- Wilbur? - Hmm?

What hobby are you going to take up next?

That's a nice hobby.

Ed, Carol and I are going dancing,

so I thought...

Ed, what in the world

are you doing in that beret?

I got a little filly coming over for a sitting.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.