Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ [theme]

[door closes]

Honey, I'll be out in my office. I promised...

I promised Mr. Addison he could... [sniffing]

...look at the sketches tonight.

All right, dear.

- Wilbur? - Yeah?

Don't be gone too long, darling. There's a chill in the air.

[sniffing]

- New perfume, huh? - Mm-hmm. Like it?

If you weren't my wife, I'd kiss you.

Wilbur?

What did you buy, and how much did it cost?

I'd better not tell me. You'll say it's too expensive.

You're right. It's too expensive.

- But, Wilbur, it's something I really need. - What is it?

Well, it's, uh...

It's...

It's, uh...

No. If I told you, I'm sure you'd turn me down.

Maybe I wouldn't.

- I'm sure you would. - Well, ask me.

First, promise me you'll say yes.

Oh, no.

That's how you got me to marry you.

Look, let's not play games. What is it you want?

Well, it's...

it's-- it's, uh...

Oh, no. I just couldn't stand it if you turned me down.

[phone rings]

- Wilbur? - It's for you.

Thank you. Yeah?

I just figured out how we can pay it off in 12 installments.

- Pay what off? - Uh...

Oh, you'd just say no.

[click]

Oh, boy.

Women. Think we'll ever understand them?

Don't try. Just enjoy 'em.

Oh, if only I knew what my wife wanted.

And you-- If you were more cooperative,

I could afford to get her anything.

How's that?

Well, if you would only talk to everybody instead of only to me.

I mean, I could put you on television, clean up a fortune.

Television? Not me.

I know Trigger.

He's a very mixed-up horse.

- What do you think of these sketches? - Not bad.

"Not bad"? [scoffs]

I put in plenty of night work on these sketches.

When Addison sees these tomorrow, that country club job is in the bag.

I still say the exterior should be redwood,

not stucco.

He's my next-door neighbor. How can he possibly turn me down?

Easy. He says no.

I know I could sell Mr. Addison these plans

if only I could be with him when he looked at them.

Why don't you take him to lunch, hmm?

I don't know him that well.

I mean, I'd feel funny just inviting him in out of the blue, you know what I mean?

Yeah. You're chicken.

- I don't know, Ed. - Want me to dial?

No. Never mind.

Be subtle. Lead up to that invitation.

I got it.

[phone rings]

Yes, dear. Uh, hello?

Oh, Mr. Addison?

- This is your neighbor, Wilbur Post. - Hello, Post.

I was wondering...

- Want to go for a walk? - Would you like to go for a walk?

A walk?

I'd look rather conspicuous in my pajamas.

Oh, I'm sorry. Were you sleeping?

Yes, until the phone rang.

- Invite him to lunch. - How about lunch?

No, thank you. I just had dinner.

I mean tomorrow, at the club.

You'll pay. You'll pay.

You'll pay. I mean--

- It's on me. - It's on my horse.

I mean, I'll pay.

Mr. Addison, I've finished those sketches.

I would like to discuss them with you at lunch.

Very well, Post. 12:00 sharp.

Good night.

Weird fellow.

[woman] Doll?

Addison, doll?

They're having a flower show at the civic auditorium.

[snoring]

Baby doll?

Cupcake?

I know you're awake, you little faker.

I am not going to any flower show.

I'm in my pajamas, and I'm not stirring from this couch.

Flower show.

[snoring]

Hi. Where's Wilbur?

He's outside going over the plans for the new club house.

Well, that's nice. My husband's sleeping, yours is out working.

Well, that's what keeps married couples together:

separate-ness.

Peg, I'd just love a second television for our bedroom.

How would you get your husband to buy you one?

- Easy. I'd show him the sales slip. - What?

That's the one thing my husband understands. You've got to be forceful and aggressive.

But I didn't even have the nerve to ask Wilbur.

You want to know the best time to ask him? Right after a good meal.

- A good meal? - Yes, there's only one thing that works--

stuff 'em in the morning and skin 'em at night.

- I'm being serious. - I mean it.

Oh, but my husband isn't easy.

I give him tomato juice, he wants orange juice.

I give him orange juice, he wants tomato juice.

What about pineapple juice?

I'd give him pineapple juice, and he'd want papaya juice.

Well, find out what he likes and give it to him,

if you want that television set.

V Juice, dear?

Are we having company for breakfast?

No, dear. What would you like?

Orange juice, pineapple juice, grapefruit juice,

prune juice, vegetable juice, papaya juice or sauerkraut juice?

Uh, I'd like orange juice.

2-minute eggs, 3-minute eggs, 4-minute eggs, fried eggs, scrambled eggs,

coddled eggs, poached eggs, or sunny-side up?

No eggs Benedict?

I didn't have room on the tray.

What did you buy, and how much did it cost?

Bacon, ham, link sausage,

breakfast steak, liver...

Look, Chef Milani,

sit down.

Now, look, what is this you want?

- Coffee, hot chocolate-- - Just a minute.

Look, I don't know what you want, but whatever it is, we can't afford it

because this breakfast cost more.

Honey, please.

What is it?

A television set for the bedroom.

Is that... Is that what...

Is that all?

You know, for a minute, you had me worried.

- You mean I can have it? - No.

Honey, look, I just spent a fortune on this house

and all this furniture and all this food.

Oh, look, sweetie, let's have a little smile.

Look, dear, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna have lunch with Addison this afternoon.

If I can sell him on the club house, I'll get you the set.

Oh, you're the most wonderful husband in the world!

I'll get a big 24-inch model with remote control,

and we can both watch the late show through our toes.

Honey, Addison hasn't seen the sketches yet,

and he's not an easy man to sell.

Oh, his wife told me how to handle him.

All you have to do is be forceful and aggressive.

Forceful? Aggressive? Me?

Honey, if you want to make this sale, you've got to be aggressive.

Be a pusher.

Oh, honey, let's face it. I'm not a pusher.

More of a nudger.

Oh, honey, you can do it. I know you can.

Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

I can.

I can be very forceful,

I can be aggressive.

Good.

Now, don't forget, Wilbur: push, don't nudge.

[voice over phone speaking rapidly]

- Ed! - Whoops!

How many times have I got to tell you

not to listen in on the party line.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Who was that on the phone?

Mrs. Ferguson.

I heard her say she's gonna have another baby.

- You mean she's expecting? - "Expecting," nothing.

She's sure.

You're out of feed. I'd better get you some oats.

No, please. I'm starting a diet today.

Diet?

- Eat like a horse, look like a horse. - Okay.

Unless you can find me some low-cal hay.

All right.

Um, wish me luck with Mr. Addison, will you?

- Uh, one word of advice, Wilbur. - What?

Be a pusher, not a nudger.

Right.

Where did you hear that?

I also listen in at windows.

- Hi, Addison, old boy. How's my favorite pigeon? - Hello, Robbins.

- We playing golf again tomorrow? - We'll see.

I sure loved separating you from that 2 bucks today.

- You're the world's worst loser. - I am not.

You should see yourself paying off a bet.

Your Adam's apple keeps bobbing up and down.

That's not true. I know how to lose gracefully.

Oh? Well, I'll give you another chance to be graceful.

I'll bet you 2 bucks there's less than 12 lumps of sugar in that bowl.

- Well? - Oh, ho, ho!

How obvious can you be? You've got it all set up.

I'll wager there are less than 12 lumps of sugar in that bowl.

Okay, it's a bet.

[man chuckling]

Someday I'm going to beat you.

Oh, don't lose that attitude.

That's gonna send my boy through school.

And now may I suggest that you run along?

I'm having luncheon with Wilbur Post.

Wilbur Post? You're not having lunch with him.

I am. He's bringing over some sketches for the new club house.

- Do you know him? - Oh, very well.

Grew up with him. Went to school with him. He's a real dud.

He doesn't have any get-up-and-go, you know what I mean?

Between my wife at home and you at the club, I get pushed around enough.

It'll be quite refreshing to meet someone who is modest and unassuming.

Addison!

Hiya, Alan! Put her there, huh?

Hey, Harry. How's Mabel?

What do you say, Sam? I'll talk to you over at the...

Oh, sorry.

Put it on my bill. Give yourself a big tip.

What, are you on the building committee?

Wilbur, why don't you go home and sleep it off?

Drinking never solves anything.

Oh, funny, funny! He's a load of laughs!

Well, thanks for stopping by, Hal.

- And kiss Ruth for me. - I married Selma.

Well, don't let her catch you kissing Ruth. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Uh, I'll be at your house tonight for our gin game.

Eh. Ah!

Look,

Mr. Addison,

wait till you get a load of these sketches.

I don't want to brag, but I feel there isn't an architect in town

who could...

The big window will be there.

dm Mr. Addison, I'm awfully sorry.

I'll get some water. We can wipe it all off.

Ooh! Ooh!

Cheer up, honey.

Try to forget about this afternoon.

It just taught me a lesson.

I'm never gonna try to be anything that I'm not.

I've got to accept that once and for all

I'm a 100%, 14-karat nudger.

Wilbur, I am not going to sit here

and listen to you tear yourself down.

I went through 2 years of that with my folks.

I was always under the impression that your folks sort of liked me.

Oh, they did-- I mean, they do.

Uh, well, they will.

Oh, they're right. You should never have married me.

Oh, no, honey.

Forget about Addison and his old club house.

You don't need him. Why, there are lots of men in this town

who appreciate your work.

You know, you're right.

You're right.

That Addison. He gets me so mad.

If he were to walk in here this very minute and get down on his hands and knees

and beg me to do that job, I'd do it.

Oh, honey.

It' so good to see you laughing again.

Oh. Darling, it's only one job.

I know, but I promised you a TV set.

Oh, forget about the set. I can wait.

You said you needed it.

There's only one thing I need.

Hello there.

Oh, how I envy you two.

You know, Addison and I used to kiss all the time.

Then we got married. Oh, well.

Did your husband tell you what happened today at lunch?

Um, not too much. He talked mostly about our house.

- Your house? - He wants to sell it.

Oh, now, look, kids. Stop worrying.

I've had a little talk with Addison, and he's agreed to look at your sketches.

- Wonderful! I'll take them right over. - No, you'd better let me.

He's wearing his best shirt tonight.

Oh, Kay, we really appreciate this.

Oh, Kay, you're such a wonderful neighbor.

It means so much to Wilbur-- to both of us.

Well, don't get your hopes up.

I'll get Addison to look at these,

but I can't guarantee he'll give you the job.

- That's good enough for us. - See you later, huh?

[rapid talking]

- Ed! - Whoops.

You're gonna get me in trouble with this eavesdropping habit of yours.

It's wrong to listen to other people's conversations.

They're entitled to their privacy.

- Why do you do that? - Compulsion.

Besides, I didn't expect to get caught.

Enough. It's the last time I'm gonna tell you.

I hope so.

[chuckling]

What's so funny?

I heard about your ketchup caper this afternoon.

- Where did you hear that? - Happen to stroll by Addison's window.

- What did he say about me? - Sorry.

I don't use that kind of language.

- Oh, Mr. Addison. - Good evening, Mrs. Post.

- Do come in. - Thank you.

I'm so glad to see you. You're looking well.

- Is your husband home? - Yes. I'll go get him.

/

- Is your husband home? - YeOh, Mr. Addison,im.

I'm terribly sorry about what happened this afternoon.

Well, I assure you, Mrs. Post, it is not a memory

that I will cherish in my golden years.

Actually, it was all my fault. You see,

I told Wilbur to be aggressive, and I guess he over-diddled it a little.

- What? - Over-diddled... doodled...

What I mean is that Wilbur isn't like that at all.

He's really quite the opposite.

I'm sure. Anyway, I've looked over your husband's sketches,

and I believe they have possibilities.

Oh, that's wonderful! He'll be so happy to hear it.

He's in the barn in his workshop. I'll go get him.

Don't bother. I'll go and talk to him personally.

- Good evening, Mrs. Post. - Oh, Mr. Addison,

I'm so happy I could just kiss you!

Please. Let's not over-doodle it.

I wonder how Mrs. Addison's making out with her husband.

Maybe I should drop over there. You know, ring the bell

and pretend to borrow a cup of sugar.

- How corny can you get? - I shouldn't worry about her.

She's got her husband completely buffaloed.

Buffaloed? She's got him stampeded.

He's not bad, though.

No, not bad. Just stuffy.

He's got less personality than a dead mackerel.

Actually, he's not such a bad...

Mr. Addison.

The-The-The horse.

[sputtering]

Mr. Addison, I don't want to rush you,

but have you made any decision on the plans?

But-But the horse. I-I heard it... talking?

That wasn't the horse. I'm a ventriloquist.

A ventriloquist? That is remarkable.

You didn't even move a muscle.

Mr. Addison, would you believe it if I were to tell you

the horse actually talks?

Why, of course not.

I've been a ventriloquist for years.

Fantastic!

Let me see you do that just once more

while I'm watching you closely.

I can talk while I drink a glass of water.

Boy, there is more to you than I thought.

I am amazed!

That makes two of us. Look, Mr. Addison, about the plans...

We'll discuss this when you drop by my house.

I'd like to have you over there around 9:00.

- Fine, fine. I'll be there. - Good.

[door closes]

"Ventriloquist."

People will believe anything.

Why don't you acknowledge that I'm a better gin player than you are.

I've beaten you 9 straight games.

Luck, that's all. Just plain luck.

It's bound to change sometime, and, oh, it has.

This is the best hand I've had all night.

Hey, wait a minute. I only have 9 cards. It's a mis-deal.

No! No, no, you don't. Take another card.

My play.

Gin.

Look, at 50 cents a game, that's $5 you owe me.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll toss you a coin, double or nothing.

Oh, no. Oh, no. To use your expression,

this pigeon has had it.

Besides, I'm expecting Wilbur Post.

Wilbur Post? What do you see in that dud?

Wilbur Post is a very talented young man.

Well, I suppose he's a fairly good architect.

- And a very amusing young man. - "Amusing"?

Wilbur Post happens to be a very fine ventriloquist.

Wilbur Post?

He's lucky to get words out of his own mouth.

Robbins, how much did you beat me for today?

Well, $4 and this 5 makes 9. Why?

For once, I would like to come out ahead of you.

Would you care to wager $10 that Wilbur Post is a ventriloquist?

Well, now I've heard everything.

Okay, if your Adam's apple can stand it.

- [doorbell rings] - You've got a bet.

Sure, little pigeon. Sure.

- Wilbur, my boy. Come in. - Lovely evening, isn't it?

- Yeah. - Hello, Hal.

Oh, hi, Wilbur. Say, Addison thinks an awful lot of you.

Oh, he told you about the plans, huh? Oh, that new club house is gonna look beautiful.

Never mind that now, Wilbur. I was just telling Robbins

what a great ventriloquist you are.

I am? Oh, well,

no, I wouldn't say I was great.

[chuckling]

Well, let's see what you can do. Give us a demonstration.

Come on, Wilbur. Make your voice come out of this Beethoven statue.

- Well, no... - Come on. Come on, here.

Make your voice come out right here. Come on, huh?

I've never performed in front of the public.

Never mind the false modesty.

I've made a sizeable wager with Robbins that you're a ventriloquist,

and I don't intend to lose it.

- Well, I-- - We're waiting, Post.

And if you expect to do business with me,

we'd better hear a few words from Beethoven.

I just remembered. I left the shower running.

- I'd better call my wife. Excuse me. - But--

[chuckling] You'll never learn.

Hello, Carol. Look, I'm in a spot.

Call me right back and tell me I'm needed at home.

Carol is out.

This is your answering service.

You and that ventriloquist bit. You got me into a real jam.

If I can't make Addison's Beethoven statue talk,

I'm gonna lose the contract.

I left the shower on, but fortunately my wife is in it.

Come on, Post.

I've been waiting for years to win just one bet from this man.

Now, come on. Throw your voice, won't you, please? Just once? Once, please? Huh?

Mr. Addison, I must tell you the truth.

- I'm not really a ventriloquist. - But I heard you.

If you've made some kind of bet, I'll gladly pay it.

I saw you throw your voice in the barn.

In the barn, I'm a ventriloquist.

[chuckling] Come on, fork over the 10 bucks.

Don't pay him. This is Beethoven talking.

He did it! Did you hear him?

He did it! There! He did it!

I don't believe it. Do it again.

Yes, certainly.

Oh, uh, won't you...

won't you say something else for the nice people, Beethoven?

Please, don't be so formal.

Call me Ludwig.

[laughing]

Well?

Oh!

He's lucky I can talk.

Ed, we did it. We did it!

I got the contract, and tomorrow I'm gonna buy my wife the television set.

And all because of you. You are wonderful.

That's fine.

Now do me a favor, will you?

Anything. What?

When you're watching television,

- don't turn on any of those old Westerns. - Oh? Why not?

I hate to see people sitting on my friends.

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.