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1
00:00:07,155 --> 00:00:16,355
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
2
00:00:16,413 --> 00:00:19,132
Ha! It's luxury
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
3
00:00:19,133 --> 00:00:20,732
Here it comes, here it comes
4
00:00:20,733 --> 00:00:23,452
Here it comes again, yeah!
It's luxury
5
00:00:23,453 --> 00:00:27,453
Here it comes, here it comes
Here it comes again, yeah
6
00:00:28,853 --> 00:00:31,212
La la la-la-la-la-la-la!
7
00:00:31,213 --> 00:00:33,852
La la la-la-la-la!
8
00:00:33,853 --> 00:00:36,812
La la la-la-la-la-la-la!
9
00:00:36,813 --> 00:00:38,880
? La la la-la-la-la! ?
10
00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:42,411
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
11
00:00:42,812 --> 00:00:45,512
Hi. Welcome to the show.
It's the last episode in the series
12
00:00:45,575 --> 00:00:47,755
so I thought, as a treat,
we could all bring games in.
13
00:00:47,759 --> 00:00:49,879
You know, like
the last day of school.
14
00:00:49,924 --> 00:00:53,124
Look, Noel. I have brought in
this Piet Mondrian Rubik's Cube.
15
00:00:53,298 --> 00:00:55,658
Wow. That's amazing.
16
00:00:55,658 --> 00:00:58,818
And this limited edition
Damien Hirst Twister mat,
17
00:00:58,819 --> 00:01:02,059
which, ironically, is exactly the
same as a normal Twister mat.
18
00:01:03,739 --> 00:01:06,459
It's gonna be brilliant.
There's gonna be a real party vibe.
19
00:01:06,459 --> 00:01:08,658
You know, jelly and ice cream,
a celebration.
20
00:01:08,659 --> 00:01:09,819
Noel, it's for you.
21
00:01:09,878 --> 00:01:12,798
It's the head of the television
channel, Greg somebody-or-other.
22
00:01:12,798 --> 00:01:15,717
Greg somebody-or-other?
23
00:01:15,718 --> 00:01:17,638
Hello?
24
00:01:17,638 --> 00:01:19,877
Right. No, yeah, yeah,
I understand, yeah.
25
00:01:19,878 --> 00:01:23,317
No, yeah, yeah. OK, cool.
Yeah. No, thanks for ringing.
26
00:01:23,318 --> 00:01:25,958
What did he say?
Show's been cancelled.
27
00:01:28,358 --> 00:01:30,158
Why?
28
00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:33,398
I don't know. Something about the
ratings not being good enough.
29
00:01:33,398 --> 00:01:34,837
What are the ratings? Nine.
30
00:01:34,838 --> 00:01:37,198
Nine? Yeah, nine.
31
00:01:37,199 --> 00:01:39,799
Apparently, "nine" is not enough
in the modern climate.
32
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,277
"Oh, you've only got nine.
We're taking you off air."
33
00:01:42,278 --> 00:01:44,197
But, Noel, what will we do?
34
00:01:44,198 --> 00:01:45,717
All right, don't panic yet, Andy.
35
00:01:45,718 --> 00:01:48,517
Apparently, if we can boost the
ratings from 9 to 25,
36
00:01:48,518 --> 00:01:49,717
he might reconsider.
37
00:01:49,718 --> 00:01:51,557
Those are big numbers.
38
00:01:51,558 --> 00:01:55,558
I know. Apparently, every show
comes with a ratings thermometer.
39
00:01:56,038 --> 00:01:57,797
Has anyone seen one of those?
40
00:01:57,798 --> 00:02:00,557
Ah, yes, we are using ours
to prop open the toilet door.
41
00:02:00,558 --> 00:02:03,197
I will go and retrieve it
and wipe off the piss.
42
00:02:03,198 --> 00:02:06,157
Noel, what does it mean
when a show gets axed?
43
00:02:06,158 --> 00:02:07,717
Is it just it's cancelled
or is it...
44
00:02:07,718 --> 00:02:11,718
does it mean that, you know, two muscular
guys with axes all sort of greased up
45
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:14,197
come in and just smash
the show to bits?
46
00:02:14,198 --> 00:02:17,237
Cos, you know, if it means that,
it might be worth sticking around.
47
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:20,597
You know, it sounds hot. I don't even
understand how we're actually friends.
48
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,437
Noel, I have found the thermometer,
49
00:02:22,438 --> 00:02:24,758
and, look, it appears
we do have nine ratings.
50
00:02:26,118 --> 00:02:28,517
Yeah, we've got nine. It's the truth.
51
00:02:28,518 --> 00:02:30,877
It's Danny Bullet.
52
00:02:30,878 --> 00:02:33,918
Oh, that's my American agent.
He's out of his mind.
53
00:02:36,078 --> 00:02:37,237
Hello?
54
00:02:37,238 --> 00:02:39,597
Ah, Noel! It's Bullet!
55
00:02:39,598 --> 00:02:42,077
How are you?
How are your parents?
56
00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:44,157
Yeah? Shut up! Shut up!
57
00:02:44,158 --> 00:02:45,917
'I just got the news!'
58
00:02:45,918 --> 00:02:48,397
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
'No shit, shit-head!'
59
00:02:48,398 --> 00:02:50,117
How the hell could you let this
happen?
60
00:02:50,118 --> 00:02:51,997
I don't know.
'You don't know?'
61
00:02:51,998 --> 00:02:55,437
Haven't you got a ratings
thermometer? We have, but...
62
00:02:55,438 --> 00:02:58,037
it's propping open the toilet door.
'You're an idiot!'
63
00:02:58,038 --> 00:03:00,037
You Brits have no organisational
skills!
64
00:03:00,038 --> 00:03:01,757
You don't take anything seriously.
65
00:03:01,758 --> 00:03:05,317
OK, look, just calm down
a little bit. 'Calm down?'
66
00:03:05,318 --> 00:03:07,317
Don't tell me to calm down, Noel!
67
00:03:07,318 --> 00:03:10,157
I've been in this business for
nearly three years.
68
00:03:10,158 --> 00:03:12,037
I've seen it all.
69
00:03:12,038 --> 00:03:14,197
We've got a situation here,
a big situation.
70
00:03:14,198 --> 00:03:16,677
You lose this show,
I lose my commission.
71
00:03:16,678 --> 00:03:19,357
'And you've got nothing else coming
in. You're not prolific.'
72
00:03:19,358 --> 00:03:22,877
I'm gonna have to let you go! And I can't
afford to lose another client, Noel!
73
00:03:22,878 --> 00:03:25,357
Who have you got these days?
'All I got is you, '
74
00:03:25,358 --> 00:03:28,477
Wile E Coyote, and Didier Drogba.
75
00:03:28,478 --> 00:03:30,397
What happened to Pac-Man?
'He's gone!'
76
00:03:30,398 --> 00:03:33,157
He left me.
He went to Super Mario's agent.
77
00:03:33,158 --> 00:03:35,037
Are you still going to anger
management?
78
00:03:35,038 --> 00:03:38,917
No. I-I'm on a new thing now.
Iron-mask therapy.
79
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:42,638
Iron-mask therapy? What's that?
'It's all the rage in LA.'
80
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:46,038
When you feel yourself getting
the rage, you put on the mask,
81
00:03:46,038 --> 00:03:48,317
you reach down
for the small ornate hammer,
82
00:03:48,318 --> 00:03:50,557
and then you just let
yourself have it.
83
00:03:50,558 --> 00:03:51,798
Ring the bell!
84
00:04:02,678 --> 00:04:04,477
Yeah, have you finished?
85
00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,957
Yeah, I'm OK now.
86
00:04:06,958 --> 00:04:08,997
Right, good.
Look, it's not over yet, OK?
87
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:12,397
If we can boost the ratings from 9 to
25, we might still save the show.
88
00:04:12,398 --> 00:04:15,477
All right. Well, you do what you
can, all right?
89
00:04:15,478 --> 00:04:16,837
'I gotta go.'
90
00:04:16,838 --> 00:04:19,117
Oh, and Noel? Yeah?
91
00:04:19,118 --> 00:04:20,398
Fix it!
92
00:04:22,678 --> 00:04:26,678
Hmm. How does one go about boosting
the ratings? Anyone got any ideas?
93
00:04:27,638 --> 00:04:29,557
Ooh, I have an idea, Noel.
94
00:04:29,558 --> 00:04:33,157
What if we all phone
everyone we know
95
00:04:33,158 --> 00:04:37,158
and politely ask them
if they will watch the show?
96
00:04:37,798 --> 00:04:39,677
Is that it?
97
00:04:39,678 --> 00:04:42,437
Yes.
98
00:04:42,438 --> 00:04:45,718
Well, we haven't got anything else.
We might as well give it a go.
99
00:04:48,118 --> 00:04:51,477
That is great.
I've actually had some success.
100
00:04:51,478 --> 00:04:54,237
My nan and her best mate, Olive,
are gonna watch the show.
101
00:04:54,238 --> 00:04:58,238
They've just got back from bingo
and they're shit-faced.
102
00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,997
Dolly?
Well, no-one uses phones any more
103
00:05:00,998 --> 00:05:03,037
so, I just put
a message up on Sprechdeck.
104
00:05:03,038 --> 00:05:04,557
Right, so what was the response?
105
00:05:04,558 --> 00:05:08,558
Well, so far, Olive says
she's gonna watch the show.
106
00:05:10,118 --> 00:05:13,757
Wait a minute. Is your friend Olive the
same person as my nan's friend Olive?
107
00:05:13,758 --> 00:05:16,877
Oh, yeah, I think so.
108
00:05:16,878 --> 00:05:18,677
Noel! I've got it!
109
00:05:18,678 --> 00:05:19,957
Sex!
110
00:05:19,958 --> 00:05:22,837
It's a sure-fire way
to boost the ratings!
111
00:05:22,838 --> 00:05:26,757
I'm gonna perform a pornographic
scene for you right now
112
00:05:26,758 --> 00:05:29,317
to save the show!
113
00:05:29,318 --> 00:05:31,878
Cue sexy music!
114
00:05:34,078 --> 00:05:38,078
Hi! I've come to fix
the washing machine!
115
00:05:39,238 --> 00:05:41,397
Maybe you can fix me after.
116
00:05:41,398 --> 00:05:45,197
What? Er... right, then.
117
00:05:45,198 --> 00:05:47,837
Er... I'll take a look at it,
shall I?
118
00:05:47,838 --> 00:05:50,037
Why don't you take a look
at these first?
119
00:05:50,038 --> 00:05:52,037
Help! No!
120
00:05:52,038 --> 00:05:54,157
Erm, couldn't do it.
121
00:05:54,158 --> 00:05:58,158
Too soon. Only been five years
since Mrs Circles died.
122
00:06:00,518 --> 00:06:04,518
Made a right fucking show of myself.
123
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:08,517
Don't worry, you'll still get paid.
124
00:06:08,518 --> 00:06:12,518
An all-time low for Uncle Roy.
125
00:06:13,798 --> 00:06:15,797
Well, it was a gallant attempt.
126
00:06:15,798 --> 00:06:17,677
What about a wedding? What?
127
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:19,477
If two characters
from a show get married,
128
00:06:19,478 --> 00:06:22,678
the ratings go through the roof.
That's not a bad idea.
129
00:06:22,679 --> 00:06:24,278
Dolly, me and you could get married.
130
00:06:24,278 --> 00:06:26,797
Out of the question.
I would never marry you.
131
00:06:26,798 --> 00:06:29,557
What, not even to save the show?
Not even to save the show.
132
00:06:29,558 --> 00:06:30,757
Why?
133
00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:33,717
Well, it's... it's just not how
I picture my wedding day, you know?
134
00:06:33,718 --> 00:06:35,357
How do you picture your wedding day?
135
00:06:35,358 --> 00:06:37,557
OK, so I'm standing there
in this amazing dress,
136
00:06:37,558 --> 00:06:40,197
sort of rock 'n' roll,
kind of traditional, maybe shorts,
137
00:06:40,198 --> 00:06:42,597
and suddenly the doors of the church
are smashed open
138
00:06:42,598 --> 00:06:43,917
and there's these two guys,
139
00:06:43,918 --> 00:06:46,077
you know, all greased up,
both holding axes.
140
00:06:46,078 --> 00:06:48,797
They've just come from
smashing a show to pieces.
141
00:06:48,798 --> 00:06:50,477
It's so hot.
142
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:52,597
Yeah, sounds adorable.
143
00:06:52,598 --> 00:06:55,237
Excuse me for a moment
while I get this call.
144
00:06:55,238 --> 00:06:57,157
Hello? What's that, Joey?
145
00:06:57,158 --> 00:07:00,397
You've noticed that a lot of the
religious American channels
146
00:07:00,398 --> 00:07:01,877
get the big ratings? Right.
147
00:07:01,878 --> 00:07:04,557
So, you wanna do one of your
Plasticine adventures
148
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:07,037
but give it a biblical twist?
149
00:07:07,038 --> 00:07:08,797
Certainly worth a try.
150
00:07:08,798 --> 00:07:12,798
All right, Joey, thanks a lot.
Bye-bye, darling.
151
00:07:15,198 --> 00:07:18,597
Poor Joey Ramone
loping down the high road.
152
00:07:18,598 --> 00:07:22,317
Oh, look, Joey! It's Iggy Pop,
punk rock's answer to God,
153
00:07:22,318 --> 00:07:23,957
floating on a wee cloud.
154
00:07:23,958 --> 00:07:25,277
What's that, Iggy?
155
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:29,117
You want Joey to travel the world
and spread the gospel of punk?
156
00:07:29,118 --> 00:07:31,797
What's that, Joey?
You're not doing that?
157
00:07:31,798 --> 00:07:35,798
It's your day off and you're going to
Coney Island on a boat trip instead?
158
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,117
Oh, look, Joey,
it's Captain Birdbrain,
159
00:07:40,118 --> 00:07:42,277
here to welcome you aboard his vessel
160
00:07:42,278 --> 00:07:44,637
and offer you some
freshly caught fish.
161
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:47,197
What's that, Joey? You do like fish,
162
00:07:47,198 --> 00:07:50,957
but prefer it in more manageable
chunks, like squares or fingers?
163
00:07:50,958 --> 00:07:54,797
What's that, Captain Birdbrain?
Fishfingers is a wonderful idea,
164
00:07:54,798 --> 00:07:58,798
you're definitely going to explore
that when you get a wee moment?
165
00:08:00,638 --> 00:08:01,997
Oh, dear, Iggy!
166
00:08:01,998 --> 00:08:04,237
You feel that Joey
may not be taking his role
167
00:08:04,238 --> 00:08:05,877
as punk ambassador seriously,
168
00:08:05,878 --> 00:08:09,878
and it may be time
to teach him a wee lesson?
169
00:08:10,238 --> 00:08:11,517
Oh, no, Joey!
170
00:08:11,518 --> 00:08:14,557
Iggy's causing a storm of the
air from his whoopee cushion.
171
00:08:14,558 --> 00:08:16,197
He's going to sink the boat,
172
00:08:16,198 --> 00:08:18,677
like the real God did
to Jonah in the Bible,
173
00:08:18,678 --> 00:08:21,597
which is what this story
is pastiching.
174
00:08:21,598 --> 00:08:24,157
Joey, you'd better tell the Captain
it's all your fault
175
00:08:24,158 --> 00:08:26,717
and ask him to jettison you
overboard,
176
00:08:26,718 --> 00:08:28,277
otherwise the boat will sink.
177
00:08:28,278 --> 00:08:29,597
Oh, dear, Joey!
178
00:08:29,598 --> 00:08:33,598
It looks as though you can't swim
on account of having no arms.
179
00:08:35,238 --> 00:08:38,037
But what's this? It's a punk-rock
leather whale,
180
00:08:38,038 --> 00:08:39,678
about to swallow you whole.
181
00:08:43,078 --> 00:08:46,797
It's a miracle, Joey. You've been
saved from a watery grave.
182
00:08:46,798 --> 00:08:49,117
You see, God didn't want to kill you.
183
00:08:49,118 --> 00:08:52,197
He was just trying to
teach you a wee lesson.
184
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:55,637
Oh, Joey Ramone. Oh, Iggy Pop.
185
00:08:55,638 --> 00:08:59,077
Oh, Captain Birdbrain
in his new Rolls-Royce.
186
00:08:59,078 --> 00:09:01,797
What's that, Captain?
"Thanks for the fishfinger idea,
187
00:09:01,798 --> 00:09:03,157
"I'm fucking loaded now"?
188
00:09:03,158 --> 00:09:05,317
It's a funny old world.
189
00:09:05,318 --> 00:09:07,437
Looks like rain.
190
00:09:07,438 --> 00:09:11,438
Oh, no, they're fishfingers.
191
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,717
I guess religion's
just not as big as it used to be.
192
00:09:20,718 --> 00:09:23,717
Yeah, it has gone out a little bit.
193
00:09:23,718 --> 00:09:27,718
Psst, Noel.
194
00:09:29,198 --> 00:09:30,237
What?
195
00:09:30,238 --> 00:09:33,477
I have stolen some ratings
from another TV show.
196
00:09:33,478 --> 00:09:36,437
No way! What show?
197
00:09:36,438 --> 00:09:37,557
The snooker.
198
00:09:37,558 --> 00:09:40,677
Snooker? Amazing.
They get huge ratings.
199
00:09:40,678 --> 00:09:43,357
How many did you get?
200
00:09:43,358 --> 00:09:46,157
Two? Hmm.
201
00:09:46,158 --> 00:09:47,277
I did have more,
202
00:09:47,278 --> 00:09:50,717
but there seems to be a hole
in the bottom of my rucksack.
203
00:09:50,718 --> 00:09:53,797
Wait a minute.
That's my nan and her mate Olive.
204
00:09:53,798 --> 00:09:56,157
They're supposed to be
watching our show.
205
00:09:56,158 --> 00:09:59,678
Must have switched over to the snooker.
Great, we're back to where we started.
206
00:10:03,958 --> 00:10:05,798
Damn it.
207
00:10:07,718 --> 00:10:08,757
Hello?
208
00:10:08,758 --> 00:10:11,717
Yeah, it's me, Bullet.
What's happening with the ratings?
209
00:10:11,718 --> 00:10:14,237
Yeah, we're still on nine.
'Jesus Christ, man!'
210
00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:16,437
It's almost the end of the first
half! 'I know.'
211
00:10:16,438 --> 00:10:18,517
Can you just calm down a little bit,
do you think?
212
00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:21,317
'Let me explain something to you,
you walking haircut!'
213
00:10:21,318 --> 00:10:23,397
In fact, you know what?
Put me on speakerphone.
214
00:10:23,398 --> 00:10:25,037
The others need
to hear this as well.
215
00:10:25,038 --> 00:10:26,957
OK, you're on speakerphone now.
216
00:10:26,958 --> 00:10:29,437
'Ah, hello, morons.'
217
00:10:29,438 --> 00:10:32,597
Let me ask you a question. What do
you think happens to characters
218
00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:34,837
from shows that get axed
and no longer exist?
219
00:10:34,838 --> 00:10:37,597
See, there's two types of
characters.
220
00:10:37,598 --> 00:10:40,197
Firstly, there are characters
from successful shows.
221
00:10:40,198 --> 00:10:43,357
Columbo, Captain Kirk,
Magnum, and The Littlest Hobo.
222
00:10:43,358 --> 00:10:46,117
These characters
are sent to a five-star resort,
223
00:10:46,118 --> 00:10:48,797
where they see out their days
sipping cocktails,
224
00:10:48,798 --> 00:10:50,077
treated like royalty.
225
00:10:50,078 --> 00:10:51,517
Sounds cool.
226
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,997
'Then there are characters
from less successful shows.'
227
00:10:53,998 --> 00:10:55,357
Ha-ha! Hey! That's you guys.
228
00:10:55,358 --> 00:10:58,917
Now, you know what happens
to these characters?
229
00:10:58,918 --> 00:11:00,317
Get taken to a Travelodge?
230
00:11:00,318 --> 00:11:03,557
They get put in storage.
Right, that doesn't sound too bad.
231
00:11:03,558 --> 00:11:05,238
And then they get incinerated...!
232
00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:10,397
..to make space for other characters
from other unsuccessful shows,
233
00:11:10,398 --> 00:11:14,198
and it goes on, and on, and on,
and that's how television works!
234
00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:18,718
Oh, great!
235
00:11:42,529 --> 00:11:45,208
OK, Mr O'Sullivan,
let me get this straight.
236
00:11:45,209 --> 00:11:47,128
This is very amusing.
237
00:11:47,129 --> 00:11:50,009
You claim you were
playing snooker on television
238
00:11:50,009 --> 00:11:53,648
when a guy matching the description
of the pop artist Andy Warhol
239
00:11:53,649 --> 00:11:55,168
waltzed into the studio,
240
00:11:55,169 --> 00:11:57,689
helping himself
to some of your ratings.
241
00:11:57,690 --> 00:12:01,209
You then say you followed him
all the way back here
242
00:12:01,209 --> 00:12:02,648
to Painted Hawaii,
243
00:12:02,649 --> 00:12:05,528
where you claim he now resides,
working in a coffee shop,
244
00:12:05,529 --> 00:12:07,248
wiping down the surfaces
245
00:12:07,249 --> 00:12:11,208
and serving the public
hot cappuccinos.
246
00:12:11,209 --> 00:12:14,128
Yeah, I... I suppose, when you...
when you put it like that,
247
00:12:14,129 --> 00:12:16,288
it does sound a bit far-fetched,
don't it?
248
00:12:16,289 --> 00:12:18,688
Get out, O'Sullivan! Get out!
249
00:12:18,689 --> 00:12:22,088
I've had enough of this sort of stuff
from you snooker players!
250
00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:24,608
I'm gonna give you a warning
for wasting police time,
251
00:12:24,609 --> 00:12:27,848
but next time it'll be
the electric chair, OK?
252
00:12:27,849 --> 00:12:29,928
And send in Alain Robidoux!
253
00:12:29,929 --> 00:12:32,248
He's been using the Mayor's
parking space again!
254
00:12:32,249 --> 00:12:36,249
As for Willie Thorne, we know he's
Banksy. We do know he's Banksy!
255
00:12:42,169 --> 00:12:45,168
Hello? 'Hey, it's Bullet.'
256
00:12:45,169 --> 00:12:47,648
Yeah, I'm on a plane.
I'm coming over.
257
00:12:47,649 --> 00:12:49,248
Really? 'Yeah.'
258
00:12:49,249 --> 00:12:53,249
Didier Drogba
lent me his private jet.
259
00:12:53,969 --> 00:12:55,448
Listen, Noel.
260
00:12:55,449 --> 00:12:58,408
I'm bringing someone with me,
someone who can save the show.
261
00:12:58,409 --> 00:12:59,968
Wow. Who?
262
00:12:59,969 --> 00:13:03,128
I can't tell you. It's a surprise.
But don't worry about it.
263
00:13:03,129 --> 00:13:05,569
'I'm taking care of everything.'
Yeah, but the thing...
264
00:13:10,129 --> 00:13:13,168
What are you wearing?
It's for our wedding.
265
00:13:13,169 --> 00:13:15,808
Our wedding?
Yeah, we're getting married.
266
00:13:15,809 --> 00:13:18,528
We're not getting married.
You turned me down.
267
00:13:18,529 --> 00:13:20,968
Yeah, but, you know,
that was before.
268
00:13:20,969 --> 00:13:24,288
Before what? Before you realised
you were gonna get incinerated?
269
00:13:24,289 --> 00:13:26,608
No, but, you know, Noel,
I've been thinking
270
00:13:26,609 --> 00:13:28,968
and I... I feel like
we could be a great couple.
271
00:13:28,969 --> 00:13:31,248
You know, like Rudi Voller
and Jurgen Klinsmann?
272
00:13:31,249 --> 00:13:33,688
What about the big, greased-up,
rock men with axes?
273
00:13:33,689 --> 00:13:36,408
That was just a fantasy.
No, I wanna marry you, Noel.
274
00:13:36,409 --> 00:13:39,328
I just feel like the bonds of trust
have been broken a bit now.
275
00:13:39,329 --> 00:13:42,248
Well, the bonds of trust were broken
quite a long time ago, Noel.
276
00:13:42,249 --> 00:13:45,248
What's that supposed to mean? Well,
you know, when we were going out,
277
00:13:45,249 --> 00:13:47,008
and you kept asking
me to do that thing.
278
00:13:47,009 --> 00:13:49,088
Yeah, can we not talk about this now?
279
00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:52,489
Yep. OK.
280
00:13:54,929 --> 00:13:56,808
What are you guys up to?
281
00:13:56,809 --> 00:13:59,488
We are writing
an Australian soap opera.
282
00:13:59,489 --> 00:14:02,728
They get massive ratings.
Great idea. How's it going?
283
00:14:02,729 --> 00:14:05,649
Mm, we are still fleshing out
the main characters.
284
00:14:11,209 --> 00:14:12,448
Hello?
285
00:14:12,449 --> 00:14:16,168
All right, Noel? I heard yous
was getting incinerated.
286
00:14:16,169 --> 00:14:17,488
Hur-hur ha-ha-ha!
287
00:14:17,489 --> 00:14:18,848
Yeah. All the characters are,
288
00:14:18,849 --> 00:14:20,888
actually, including you.
Sorry about that.
289
00:14:20,889 --> 00:14:23,808
Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
Really?
290
00:14:23,809 --> 00:14:27,008
Well, you know the guys who's coming
down to collect everyone
291
00:14:27,009 --> 00:14:30,648
for incineration? Yeah?
Well, they work for me.
292
00:14:30,649 --> 00:14:33,968
Really? 'Yeah. That's why I wanted to
talk to you, Noel,'
293
00:14:33,969 --> 00:14:37,288
cos you've been quite a good tenant
to me over the years,
294
00:14:37,289 --> 00:14:39,848
so I wanted to do you
a little favour.
295
00:14:39,849 --> 00:14:42,128
Right. 'You see, the thing is,'
296
00:14:42,129 --> 00:14:45,049
I might be able to get you out of
this. There's a loophole.
297
00:14:45,049 --> 00:14:46,368
A loophole?
298
00:14:46,369 --> 00:14:50,369
'Well, technically, you ain't a
character cos you play yourself.'
299
00:14:50,609 --> 00:14:53,288
That's the crux of the loophole
right there.
300
00:14:53,289 --> 00:14:56,248
Right. 'Yeah, so I could get
you out of it.'
301
00:14:56,249 --> 00:14:59,288
That's a kind offer, but, you know,
what about the other characters?
302
00:14:59,289 --> 00:15:01,528
I can't leave them here to be
incinerated.
303
00:15:01,529 --> 00:15:03,088
How would I ever live with myself?
304
00:15:03,089 --> 00:15:06,928
Well, that's your own therapeutics.
I don't give a shit about that.
305
00:15:06,929 --> 00:15:09,768
Basically, you ain't got long
to make a decision
306
00:15:09,769 --> 00:15:12,088
cos the removal men'll
be there soon.
307
00:15:12,089 --> 00:15:14,088
All right, cheers, Peter.
308
00:15:14,089 --> 00:15:16,849
Batty crease.
309
00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:26,169
All right, Tony?
No, I'm not all right, actually.
310
00:15:26,169 --> 00:15:28,488
There's a rather nasty rumour
flying around that
311
00:15:28,489 --> 00:15:31,528
all the characters are going to be
put in storage and then incinerated.
312
00:15:31,529 --> 00:15:34,728
Yeah, that's true, I'm afraid.
Sorry about that.
313
00:15:34,729 --> 00:15:36,928
Great. I told you, Tone.
314
00:15:36,929 --> 00:15:39,808
Yeah, look, I've got a bit of a
dilemma, actually.
315
00:15:39,809 --> 00:15:43,328
Technically, I don't play a character,
I play myself, so I could get out of this.
316
00:15:43,329 --> 00:15:45,248
But, you know,
I feel bad for everyone else.
317
00:15:45,249 --> 00:15:49,048
I mean, you guys are like family to
me. I just don't know what to do.
318
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:53,049
Well, Noel, you've got
a very big decision to make.
319
00:15:53,089 --> 00:15:56,488
Basically, you've got to choose
between freedom and your friends.
320
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:59,648
I think we both know
what the right decision to make is.
321
00:15:59,649 --> 00:16:01,968
Yeah, you're right.
I mean, course I should go.
322
00:16:01,969 --> 00:16:04,128
You can get friends anywhere,
can't you?
323
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,769
Ha-ha! Right, guys, see you later.
324
00:16:08,369 --> 00:16:11,488
That's not what I meant at all.
325
00:16:11,489 --> 00:16:15,489
Let him go, Tone.
The guy's a piece of shit.
326
00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:22,769
What a great idea! Bringing back
a dead character, it's genius.
327
00:16:23,209 --> 00:16:25,848
It's like when they brought back
Bobby in Dallas.
328
00:16:25,849 --> 00:16:27,408
Ratings went through the roof.
329
00:16:27,409 --> 00:16:31,088
And you died in the first series, right?
So, no-one's expecting you to come back.
330
00:16:31,089 --> 00:16:35,089
It's all bleedin' coming together,
innit? All bleedin' coming together!
331
00:16:35,409 --> 00:16:38,088
I love that.
All bleedin' coming together.
332
00:16:38,089 --> 00:16:39,808
Hey, listen to me.
333
00:16:39,809 --> 00:16:42,128
After we save the show,
you sign to me, yeah?
334
00:16:42,129 --> 00:16:44,088
I'll put you in the motion pictures.
335
00:16:44,089 --> 00:16:48,089
Motion pictures?
Give you anything you want.
336
00:16:49,369 --> 00:16:51,408
Can I have some more peanuts?
337
00:16:51,409 --> 00:16:53,328
I'll get you anything you want. Hey!
338
00:16:53,329 --> 00:16:56,088
Stewardess! How about some more
peanuts over here?
339
00:16:56,089 --> 00:16:57,488
This guy's a star!
340
00:16:57,489 --> 00:17:00,368
Sir, he's already had 14 packets.
14 packets!
341
00:17:00,369 --> 00:17:02,808
Who are you? The peanut patrol?
Make it 15!
342
00:17:02,809 --> 00:17:04,008
Dry-roasted.
343
00:17:04,009 --> 00:17:06,048
And tell that pilot
to hurry his ass up!
344
00:17:06,049 --> 00:17:08,328
I'm sure he's going as fast
as he can, sir.
345
00:17:08,329 --> 00:17:10,328
Yeah? Well, tell him to go faster!
346
00:17:10,329 --> 00:17:13,288
We got a ratings situation
over in Painted Hawaii.
347
00:17:13,289 --> 00:17:16,168
Oh, look, the peanuts.
348
00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:18,848
Oh! Look at John!
349
00:17:18,849 --> 00:17:20,368
Hello, John!
350
00:17:20,369 --> 00:17:23,608
Get right down there
with Gordon and Steven.
351
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,848
Oh, John, he's had a fall.
352
00:17:25,849 --> 00:17:29,008
Where are we going?
We're gonna save the show.
353
00:17:29,009 --> 00:17:32,208
We're all en-sort-of-capsulated
354
00:17:32,209 --> 00:17:36,089
in a sort of onyx casket, travelling
through the air molecules.
355
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,208
What do you think that means?
356
00:17:38,209 --> 00:17:42,128
In the house, in the mouth.
In the house, in the mouth.
357
00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:45,448
All bleedin' coming together, innit?
358
00:17:45,449 --> 00:17:49,449
You're a goddamn star.
359
00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:59,809
What's this?
360
00:17:59,969 --> 00:18:02,928
It's... It's from Noel.
361
00:18:02,929 --> 00:18:06,929
"Dear guys, due to a loophole,
I've managed to avoid incineration.
362
00:18:08,089 --> 00:18:11,168
"Unfortunately,
I can't take you with me,
363
00:18:11,169 --> 00:18:13,128
"so you're all still gonna die."
364
00:18:13,129 --> 00:18:17,129
"No hard feelings. Noel."
With a stupid little picture.
365
00:18:18,769 --> 00:18:21,328
I cannot believe
Noel would betray us like that.
366
00:18:21,329 --> 00:18:24,568
I can't believe we are still gonna
be incinerated.
367
00:18:24,569 --> 00:18:26,328
We are actually gonna die!
368
00:18:26,329 --> 00:18:28,888
Maybe we have one last chance.
369
00:18:28,889 --> 00:18:32,649
Our Australian soap opera.
Bammo!
370
00:18:38,609 --> 00:18:40,529
Mum, can I go surfing?
371
00:18:40,529 --> 00:18:43,288
No, you can't go surfing.
You haven't finished your homework.
372
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,768
In fact, you haven't done your
homework for three months!
373
00:18:45,769 --> 00:18:47,728
Do you think your HSC's a joke?
374
00:18:47,729 --> 00:18:51,729
No. I don't think it's a joke.
I just wanna go surfing.
375
00:18:51,809 --> 00:18:53,048
And you, young Sean,
376
00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:56,688
turn the bloody telly off!
You're gonna get square eyes!
377
00:18:56,689 --> 00:18:59,208
Oh, Mum! Dad lets me
watch telly whenever I like.
378
00:18:59,209 --> 00:19:01,128
Yeah, well, Dad's not here, is he?
379
00:19:01,129 --> 00:19:03,008
He's flaming left us, the mongrel!
380
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:05,088
Just one sign of trouble
and he's gone!
381
00:19:05,089 --> 00:19:07,688
It's your fault Dad left us
in the first place.
382
00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:10,968
Who has been putting
such stupid ideas into your head?
383
00:19:10,969 --> 00:19:14,208
Brad.
384
00:19:14,209 --> 00:19:17,768
Bradley?
Would you like to explain yourself?
385
00:19:17,769 --> 00:19:19,608
Well, Mum, if you'd have married Dad
386
00:19:19,609 --> 00:19:22,288
when he firstly asked you,
first off, firstly,
387
00:19:22,289 --> 00:19:25,568
then maybe he wouldn't have run off.
388
00:19:25,569 --> 00:19:29,488
You know what, guyses, it's a lot
more complicated than you realise
389
00:19:29,489 --> 00:19:33,489
and when you two grow up,
I think you'll understand that.
390
00:19:41,969 --> 00:19:43,248
Mum, it's Dad.
391
00:19:43,249 --> 00:19:46,448
Bloody ute broke down again.
Henry, you came back.
392
00:19:46,449 --> 00:19:49,328
Of course I came back, Peggy.
I couldn't leave you and the boys.
393
00:19:49,329 --> 00:19:52,488
Plus, as I said,
bloody ute broke down. Ha-ha!
394
00:19:52,489 --> 00:19:54,048
Dad, can I go surfing?
395
00:19:54,049 --> 00:19:55,648
Course you can. Yes!
396
00:19:55,649 --> 00:19:58,328
Can I watch TV?
Get stuck in, young Seano.
397
00:19:58,329 --> 00:20:00,208
Henry... There she is, Peggy.
398
00:20:00,209 --> 00:20:03,928
Still as beautiful as the day
I met you. Well, almost.
399
00:20:03,929 --> 00:20:05,688
Great to see you, Dad.
400
00:20:05,689 --> 00:20:09,689
Great to see you lot.
You're my family and I love you.
401
00:20:13,769 --> 00:20:16,009
OK, what's for dinner?
402
00:20:18,689 --> 00:20:20,808
I knew you'd come back, Noel.
I couldn't do it.
403
00:20:20,809 --> 00:20:23,728
I couldn't leave you guys.
You're like a family to me, you know.
404
00:20:23,729 --> 00:20:25,768
Great soap opera, though.
405
00:20:25,769 --> 00:20:27,448
Right, we're here
to smash the show up,
406
00:20:27,449 --> 00:20:30,649
but, before we do that, we're gonna
pick some characters up for storage.
407
00:20:36,049 --> 00:20:38,688
Come on, man! This is taking for
ever! Right, I'm gonna have to
408
00:20:38,689 --> 00:20:41,249
ask you to return to your seat cos
you're not actually allowed
409
00:20:41,250 --> 00:20:44,009
in the cockpit. What does this button
do? Please don't touch that!
410
00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:47,288
Christ! And can you ask the lion
to get out of here
411
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:49,888
cos he's dropping peanuts
into the navigational system!
412
00:20:49,889 --> 00:20:53,889
Come on, man! Let me drive for a bit!
We're all travelling in the air pockets!
413
00:20:54,569 --> 00:20:56,449
Tablets!
414
00:21:01,409 --> 00:21:03,648
In you go.
415
00:21:03,649 --> 00:21:07,289
Oh, my God! That plane is gonna
crash into the island!
416
00:21:11,889 --> 00:21:13,808
I think that's my agent.
417
00:21:13,809 --> 00:21:15,569
That's Didier Drogba's plane,
isn't it?
418
00:21:15,570 --> 00:21:19,169
Yeah, yeah. My agent looks after
Didier Drogba, borrows his plane.
419
00:21:19,169 --> 00:21:21,248
Yeah.
420
00:21:21,249 --> 00:21:23,408
I've been on it, actually.
Not when it's flying.
421
00:21:23,409 --> 00:21:27,409
But, you know, I've sat in it,
in the main chair. Pretty good.
422
00:21:40,969 --> 00:21:44,969
Looks like we're the only survivors.
423
00:21:47,369 --> 00:21:49,849
Maybe we SHOULD get married.
424
00:21:49,849 --> 00:21:53,408
We could always kiss, you know,
for old times' sake.
425
00:21:53,409 --> 00:21:57,409
Could do. Go out on a high.
426
00:21:58,609 --> 00:22:02,609
Or if you really
wanna go out on a high...
427
00:22:03,009 --> 00:22:06,209
..I could do that thing
you always wanted.
428
00:22:06,209 --> 00:22:07,968
Wow. Really?
429
00:22:07,969 --> 00:22:10,968
Might be easier in water.
430
00:22:10,969 --> 00:22:14,488
All right, I'll close my eyes.
431
00:22:14,489 --> 00:22:18,489
Oh, my God. Don't worry about that.
It's just a birthmark. Work round it.
432
00:22:19,489 --> 00:22:21,408
Some people say
it looks like Harrison Ford.
433
00:22:21,409 --> 00:22:22,768
No, it's Joey Ramone!
434
00:22:22,769 --> 00:22:25,809
No, it's definitely Harrison Ford.
I saw it with a couple of mirrors.
435
00:22:40,649 --> 00:22:44,128
I can't believe you all survived.
I thought everyone was dead.
436
00:22:44,129 --> 00:22:47,888
Not only that, we smashed the ratings.
Turns out everyone loves a disaster.
437
00:22:47,889 --> 00:22:51,368
Thus, I can confirm that
the show hasn't been cancelled.
438
00:22:51,369 --> 00:22:53,248
Aren't you Pinocchio?
439
00:22:53,249 --> 00:22:57,249
No. I'm Greg somebody-or-other.
I work at the TV channel.
440
00:23:01,169 --> 00:23:04,808
It's all bleedin'
coming together, innit?
441
00:23:04,809 --> 00:23:06,088
Two, three, four!
442
00:23:06,089 --> 00:23:10,089
It's all bleedin' coming together!
443
00:23:10,329 --> 00:23:14,329
It seems it's gonna be all right
444
00:23:15,049 --> 00:23:19,049
And we'll be holding hands
and singing for ever!
445
00:23:20,729 --> 00:23:24,729
And we'll be dancing
till the morning light!
446
00:23:26,529 --> 00:23:30,529
People of the world, come with me
Flying through the sky
447
00:23:32,329 --> 00:23:35,008
People of the world, come with me
448
00:23:35,009 --> 00:23:37,208
? Flying through the sky... ?
Through the sky!
449
00:23:37,209 --> 00:23:41,209
People of the world, come with me
Flying through the sky
450
00:23:42,409 --> 00:23:44,688
? People of the world... ?
451
00:23:44,689 --> 00:23:48,328
Come on, everyone!
All together now!
452
00:23:48,329 --> 00:23:50,328
Two! Three! Four!
453
00:23:50,329 --> 00:23:54,329
It's all bleedin' coming together!
454
00:23:55,169 --> 00:23:58,568
? It seems it's gonna be all
right... ?
455
00:23:58,569 --> 00:24:00,048
Of course it is!
456
00:24:00,049 --> 00:24:03,928
? And we'll be holding hands
and singing for ever... ?
457
00:24:03,929 --> 00:24:05,768
Holding hands!
458
00:24:05,769 --> 00:24:09,769
? And we'll be dancing
till the morning light! ?
459
00:24:13,169 --> 00:24:17,169
Ha-ha! I told you, it's all bleedin'
coming together, innit?
460
00:24:20,809 --> 00:24:23,448
And so they all lived
happily ever
461
00:24:23,449 --> 00:24:25,369
after inside the belly of a whale.
462
00:24:25,369 --> 00:24:27,408
Ye-e-e-s.
463
00:24:27,409 --> 00:24:29,929
Or did they?
464
00:24:29,929 --> 00:24:33,609
Well, whether they did or they didn't,
can you two just get out of my bath?
465
00:24:33,610 --> 00:24:35,768
My wife's gonna be back in a minute!
466
00:24:35,769 --> 00:24:38,769
Plus I don't even know
who the hell you are! Get out!
467
00:24:38,827 --> 00:24:45,720
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
468
00:24:45,770 --> 00:24:50,320
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