Original subtitles

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ha! It's luxury Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Here it comes, here it comes

Here it comes again, yeah! It's luxury

Here it comes, here it comes Here it comes again, yeah

La la la-la-la-la-la-la!

La la la-la-la-la!

La la la-la-la-la-la-la!

? La la la-la-la-la! ?

Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.

Guys, sorry I'm late.

I was just at the pet shop, picking up this little guy.

Check this out.

Oh, what's that?

It's a geometric box fish. I thought he'd brighten the place up,

give the customers something to look at.

Noel, what is a geometric box fish?

Well, the guy in the pet shop said

he was part salamander, part Rubik's Cube.

He's like a little tasty hybrid.

Fucking useless. What you fucking looking at?

What you three looking at?

Wow, he's terrifying.

Yeah, well, the move's probably upset him a little bit.

I'm gonna fuck you up this time! Come on!

He's got a mouth on him, ain't he? Look, I'll come clean.

I got him a little bit cheap cos he's got a few issues.

Aah! Eurgh! Eurgh!

Yeah, that's the problem. Basically, he's a pyromaniac.

I mean, he took part in the aquatic riots.

He set fire to a whole coral reef.

Oh, my God, Noel! Yes.

And then him and a gang of his mates

beat the shit out of an elderly starfish.

Golly. A real-life psychopath in the coffee shop!

How exciting!

Not a psychopath, Andy, you know? Comes from a broken home.

His dad's not in the picture, his mum can't cope with him.

Maybe we could rehabilitate him with some art therapy.

He could get to know and love himself

with life drawing and self-portraits.

That's beautiful, Andy. But you don't wanna change him too much with therapy.

I mean, look at him. He's brutal, he's urban, he's honest,

he's direct. I think he's quite sexy.

He's like an underwater Marlon Brando.

The other thing is, I thought he'd be a smashing topic

for this week's episode.

Imagine it! Luxury Comedy tackles disaffected youth.

? Wah, wah, wah! ?

It's not Panorama.

I thought the whole point of this show was to avoid reality

and only deal with pure fantasy.

Yeah, well, a little bit of social commentary never hurt anyone.

Imagine it, fantasy used as a metaphor for social commentary.

It's never been done. Yeah, there's a reason for that.

And anyway, it's too late. This week's episode is about cool.

An episode about cool? How's that gonna work? No, it'll be great.

We'll sit around and discuss who's cool, who's not. It's a great topic.

What about disaffected youth?

Oh, come on, Noel. You never let me choose

what the episode's gonna be about.

All right, explain it to me. How's it gonna work?

OK, well, I thought, to start off,

we could discuss who's cool in this room.

OK, well, we all know you're cool, don't we?

Well, I suppose, yeah. I'm from Berlin. I design my own jewellery.

I run an underground magazine about the Zeitgeist.

What about Smooth? Well, of course he's cool. Look at him.

Yeah, I've always been cool. Even the name Smooth is a subset of cool.

Oh! Oh! What about me, Noel? Am I cool?

Do me next, Noel! Am I cool? I'm cool, yeah?

That can't be cool, surely?

Yeah, but he's Andy Warhol, you know? So, he has a green card.

However he behaves, he will always be seen as cool.

OK. Well, then, that's it. Is that the end of the episode?

You're cool, Smooth's cool, Andy's cool. I mean, I'm cool.

Hm. What do you mean, "hm?" What's that?

"Hm?" No, nothing. Nothing. Well, it is something.

People don't go, "Hm," in the middle of other people's sentences.

OK, I just think that you are borderline.

Borderline.

She's got a point. Yes.

You are definitely straddling the border.

I'm not straddling the border.

I see what's going on here, three-pronged attack.

I'm cool. I'm definitely cool.

See these guys? Just these, the Parisian Electro Rock Band?

Well, they said in the interview that they like my show.

Yeah, they are super cool.

Exactly.

Yeah, but that doesn't make YOU cool.

What? No, Noel. That is a popular misconception, you know?

I mean, Steve McQueen likes Antiques Roadshow,

but that doesn't make Steve McQueen cool.

Are you out of your mind?

The thing about cool is, you know, it's how you enter a room.

Take Smooth, for example. Smooth!

Yeah, all right, that was cool.

But, I mean, anyone would look cool coming into that music?

It's cool music. And who was playing that, anyway?

No-one, it's just the music that you conjure up in your head

when Smooth enters a room.

Really? What sort of music do people conjure up when I enter a room?

I don't know. Why don't you go out and give it a go?

Yeah, all right. I'm not scared.

OK, I'm ready.

Oh, my God, what was that?! What was that supposed to be?

That was your entrance music.

That's what people hear when you enter a room.

So every time I go to a party and I walk into a room,

that's what people are seeing?

Every time I walk over to a girl on a park bench to chat her up,

that's what she's seeing? I'm afraid so, yeah.

This is a nightmare. I thought I was cool. I'm a living plum.

Ohh...

Noel, look. Like I said before, you are... you are borderline.

I'm not borderline, am I?

I've gone a few degrees beyond borderline. I'm in the next country!

Well, I know. Look, there's a slim chance you're still cool

so why don't you just go to the cool clinic and get yourself tested?

Tested? Yeah, get a cool test.

A cool test? What's a cool test?

Just go, get a cool test and if you're positive,

you don't have to worry about it again,

they give you a certificate, and, you know.

All right, Doo Rag?

What can I do for you today, Noel?

Well, I've actually come for a cool test.

You sure you wanna know?

Course I'm sure. What's that supposed to mean?

Urinate on this.

What? Here, now? In front of you?

Don't worry, I'm a professional.

I'll look away.

Oh, my. That's a negative.

I mean, I'm not cool. It's official now, yeah?

But in a funny kind of way, I feel a sense of relief.

It's like the weight's just...

..off my shoulders, you know?

Yeah, I mean, all right,

you're cool, you're cool, you're cool, and I'm not cool,

but we can still gel as a group, can't we, hm?

I mean, I'm not cool. Does it matter?

No-one's ever died of not being cool.

Yeah, that's all absolutely fascinating, Noel,

but, shh, I've got some Skype call coming in from a weird number.

Oh, my God!

'We are the Cucumbers of Cool.

'We've been scouring the galaxy

searching for and destroying anyone uncool!

'We have been alerted to the fact

'that someone in your vicinity is NOT cool!'

No, we're all cool here.

We're all cool, but thanks for, er, stopping by. Bye!

'It is you, Noel, who is uncool.'

How do you know?

'We've been watching the show.'

Really? These guys watch the show.

'Initially we were not interested, '

as a TV guide said it was about disaffected youth.

We have no interest in disaffected youth! Fuck, no!

'However, when the show became about cool, '

we became very interested, very interested indeed!

Yeah, well, it's great that you were interested. Er... who are you?

'I've told you! We're the Cucumbers of Cool!

'Have you heard the expression "cool as a cucumber"?'

Yeah, obviously.

'We are the living embodiment of that expression!

'Francis, read from the sacred text.

'"Pert as a pear-monger I'd be If Molly were but kind

'"Cool as a cucumber could see The rest of womankind."

- 'John Gay. - 1685 to 1732!

'You have been found to be uncool. If you are uncool

'by the time we arrive on your planet, you will be destroyed!

'You have until the end of the episode to become cool!

'If we arrive and you are still uncool,

'you will be destroyed by the... the machine!

The machine! The machine! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Hee-hee-hee-hee!

'We will now show the power of the machine

'by destroying this ancient dummy.

'Fire!

'The dummy has been destroyed!'

Yeah. Turn the screen around so they can see.

I hate you! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. Ooh.

'Next time, it will be you who is destroyed, not the dummy.

'Do you understand?'

Yeah, I get it.

'I... I think he understands.

'Very well. Goodbye. Enjoy the rest of your day.'

Yeah, probably not gonna now, though, am I?

'Oh, I thought you were one of those guys

'who could kinda shut things off emotionally.'

Unfortunately, I'm not. I mean, I always wished I was, but...

Oh. OK. Goodbye.

How am I going to get cool?

Maybe I could kill myself.

I've noticed that quite a lot of cool people die young.

Jimi Hendrix. John Belushi.

Yeah, but, Noel, if you kill yourself, you'll still be dead.

Oh, yeah. Hm.

Plus, Noel, you are too old to die young.

Thanks. Hm. OK.

I am off to play conkers with my friend Yoko Ono.

Oh, she's pretty cool. Maybe I could ask her what her secret is.

That's a great idea, Andy. Brilliant. Mm.

I love Yoko Ono. Oh, Andy! Andy! Andy! When you talk to Yoko about

your uncool friend, can you not mention my name?

OK.

Brilliant.

I've got it. Joey Ramone.

Joey Ramone! Of course. He's cool.

Yeah, he knows everything there is to know about being cool.

Plus, he's in The Ramones and he's Plasticine.

Ha-ha! OK, call him, then.

Well, why don't you ring him? Well, I can't call him, can I?

He's not going to answer the phone to me. I'm not cool.

Yeah. That's true.

Plus, you get on with him, don't you?

Yeah, really well. Yeah, we used to go out.

Really? It was great.

I mean, we had such a... such a spiritual connection.

I mean, he said I was a little physical at times, you know, but we got on amazingly.

Oh, can you just ring him and we'll talk about that another time,

maybe in 170 years when we're both dead?

God.

Hello, Joey. How are you?

Ha-ha! Oh, that's great.

Listen, I was wondering if I could bring my friend Noel to visit.

Noel!

Noel!

He works in the coffee shop. Yeah, that's him.

Yeah, unfortunately, he just got back from the cool clinic and he tested negative.

Oh, come on, Joey! He's a friend!

Joey!

Oh, Joey, please!

Joey? Joey, are you still there?

Well, we're going to come over!

What did he say?

Yeah, he said he will be very happy to help.

Oh, great. So, let's go.

OK.

Damn it!

OK, Yoko.

Good luck beating this one.

It's a 59er.

Lichtenstein tried to do stampsies on this and his ankle shattered like a meringue.

Hm.

Damn it!

Damn it!

Have you been using vinegar again? Huh?

Huh? Have you?

Hm, OK.

Ooh, before I go, I almost forgot.

Er... my friend Noel, er... I mean, Big Claire, has a problem.

She is not cool and she, er... Big Claire, not Noel,

needs to get cool before the end of the episode.

Do you think you can help?

Oh, wow!

A big egg. How novel! But what does it mean?

In my opinion, the coolest state for a human being is before they are born.

This egg represents that period.

Yoko, that's beautiful.

Andy!

It's me, Lou!

It's Lou Reed!

Let me out of here, man!

I don't like it!

I don't like it, Andy!

Andy!

Plus, I've had a bit of a clear-out,

and if you took that off my hands, you'd be doing me a massive favour.

OK, thanks, Yoko. See you Thursday for crazy golf.

Hm.

OK, so we have entered the Plasticine part of the island.

All right. But make sure no entering any rooms.

OK, Noel? Why?

Well, I don't want Joey to see, like, your entrance package, you know?

All right.

And also I think it's best if you don't speak.

All right, so don't enter any rooms and don't speak. No, you know, just be nonchalant.

Nonchalant? What does that mean?

Well, you know, like you're not really listening. You're just sort of cool.

No, no, no. Noel, Noel, don't do that, OK?

No? No.

Like be... you know, be sulky.

Noel, and the most important, please do not say that we ever went out, OK?

All right. I mean, I'm not allowed to speak so how am I going to?

Yeah.

OK, let's do it. OK.

Poor Joey Ramone, standing under a palm tree.

Hello, Joey. Looks like you've got some visitors.

It's your cool friend, Dolly, and her uncool friend, Noel.

Hello, Dolly. Hello, Noel.

What's that, Dolly?

You've got till the end of the show to make your friend Noel cool?

And you'd like Joey to help?

What's that, Joey?

Even though trying to help someone as uncool as Noel

might damage your street cred,

you're willing to give it a go?

You'll take Noel and Dolly to the cool market

and get Noel some sunglasses, a new haircut and a leather jacket?

Oh, look, it's Alison and Jamie from The Kills,

arguably the coolest Anglo-American duo since Dempsey And Makepeace.

What's that, Alison?

You think Noel needs a new pair of pink shades that he should never take off,

even if it's at night-time and even if his mum's calling him in for his tea?

Good idea.

Oh, look, everyone.

It's Slash, from the famous rock band Velvet Revolver.

What's that, Slash? You think Noel needs a brand-new haircut,

possibly a perm?

Oh, dear, Slash! You seem to have left the chemicals on for too long,

leaving Noel with a Bobby Ball-type perm.

Better hide all the mirrors.

What's that, Dolly? Where's the leather jacket that Joey promised Noel?

What's that, Joey?

The only leather jacket you've got is your own,

and there's no flipping way anyone's having that?

What's that, Dolly? Stop being a dick and hand over the jacket?

Oh, dear, Joey! Dolly seems to be bashing your brains in.

What's that, Noel? This is all a bit violent for your liking?

I'm not sure this behaviour can be classified as cool in any way.

Poor Joey Ramone, lying on the floor in a crumpled heap.

Poor Dolly, mugging Joey of his favourite jacket.

Poor Noel, trying desperately to become cool

and avoid certain death from a race of alien cucumbers.

Better get going before the Plasticine police arrive.

Meh-moh, meh-moh, meh-moh, meh-moh!

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!

Negative.

I mean, really? Negative.

Really? I mean, really? Negative. Negative.

Really? Really? Negative. Negative.

I mean really? Negative.

Really? Really? Negative. Negative.

Really? Negative.

Really? Really? Negative. Negative.

OK.

Really? Positive.

Positive? Negative.

Yep.

This is all your fault. You know that, don't you? I mean,

I wanted to make an episode about disaffected youth. Now look at me.

It's not my fault you can't be made cool. Thanks.

We are here for the uncool. Francis, read out the execution list.

Noel.

You must now be destroyed by the machine!

The machine! The machine!

The machine!

Can I just say, er... it's not cool, what you're doing?

You know that, don't you?

What do you mean?

Well, you can't just swan around the planet,

executing people simply cos they're not cool.

That's not cool in itself.

Well, it must be, because we are cool.

We are cool as cucumbers! Heh-heh!

Well, you say that, but have you ever been tested?

Tested? What do you mean, tested?

Well, you go and take a cool test and then they give you a certificate.

Right, green boys.

Time to put your money where your mouth is.

Urinate on this.

What, in front of everyone?

Don't worry, we're all professionals.

We'll look away.

Ahem!

Oh, my! It's a negative.

It can't be. We are cool as cucumbers.

Well, it just goes to show, you can't base the society on a simile.

You have humiliated us!

No-one must know what went on here today!

You will all be destroyed by the machine!

The machine! The machine!

The machine! The machine! The machine!

All right, if you could all just sort of bunch together

with the short ones in the front.

That's nice, yeah.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

How could you destroy the machine? Oh, the machine!

Yes, that's not helping. You're literally fanning the flames.

We have been humiliated twice now!

There is nothing further for us to do!

We must now go back to our planet and tell them that we are uncool!

There will be a period of reflection

and then we will kill ourselves en masse.

Hey, come on. It's not that bad.

It is that bad, Noel!

It's not that bad. I mean, look at me.

I've spent the whole episode trying to be cool.

I've got a perm and a big egg.

I mean, I'm sick of the whole concept.

I mean, what is cool? What's the point of it?

I sometimes wonder myself.

There's also the bigger picture to consider.

Our society is crumbling.

That's right, Francis.

No-one wants to do a proper job any more.

Everyone wants to be a fashion designer, or a DJ, or a stylist.

I myself always wanted to be a baker.

Well, everyone needs bread.

And I always wanted to be a teacher.

Everyone needs knowledge.

I always wanted to be a snooker referee.

Well, whatever you wanna be, that's all fine.

It's great. You can be whoever you are.

Noel, you have unburdened us from the cycle of cool.

From the what? Cycles of cool.

Right.

We will never forget what you did for us today. Bye.

What's this?

Don't you see? You don't care any more. You're finally cool.

Ha-ha-ha! I'm cool! I'm cool!

I'm cool, living like a dolphin

Living like a dolphin in the pipeline

Cool, cool, got myself cool

Cool, cool, got myself cool

I'm going to have to take that back.

I was cool, though, for a few seconds, wasn't I?

Ha-ha! You saw it. I was definitely cool. Ha-ha-ha!

Ha! For a few seconds!

If you think about it, geometric box fish actually saved the day.

I mean, who'd have thought it? Disaffected youth coming to the rescue.

Mm. Yeah, where is he?

I took him back to the pet shop. He was getting on my nerves.

Noel? Noel, the cucumbers are back.

They seem to be beaming something down.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, great!

Great. So, now I'm going to be remembered for eternity as Noel,

the King of Uncool.

Ha-ha! Oh, my God!

My name's Noel and I'm uncool for all eternity! Ha-ha-ha!

I mean, that's a really long time, you know?

Meh-moh, meh-moh, meh-moh, meh-moh!

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!

But, officer, I was just borrowing Joey's leather jacket.

I...I didn't mean to punch him repeatedly in the face. It was an accident.

Noel, tell him! Ha-ha-ha!

Careful with her in the van.

She can get quite physical!

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