Original subtitles

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ha! It's luxury Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Here it comes, here it comes

Here it comes again, yeah! It's luxury

Here it comes, here it comes Here it comes again, yeah

La la la la la la la la!

La la la la la la!

La la la la la la la la!

? La la la la la la! ?

Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.

Hi, welcome to the show.

Pretty excited this week cos we've got Kiss on the show, the American rock band.

In fact, let me introduce you to Gene right now.

He's just down here gathering up some crumbs.

There he is.

Gene Simmons.

Gene, say hello to the people watching at home.

He's a bit shy.

Bit shy.

Andy, put Gene over there, will you, with the rest of the band?

Be careful with him. Maybe get him a macchiato, yeah?

And keep the flat whites coming for the rest of the guys.

Are you sure about that? They already seem pretty pumped up to me.

Andy, they're rock gods.

I think they can take a little bit of caffeine. OK.

Noel, what on earth are you doing? What do you mean?

Why have you got dummies of the rock band Kiss in the window?

Well, I was thinking about it, right.

If I walked past a coffee shop and I saw Kiss in there drinking coffee,

I'd be straight in. I mean, I'd make it my local.

And we need customers, I'm trying to draw people in.

What about me? What about you?

Well, I am a customer.

Sort of. Not really, though, are you?

You just sit there sucking up my Wi Fi and drinking free coffee.

Noel, I am a huge asset to this coffee shop.

Ultimately, you will benefit

from my presence here. In what way?

In 10 or 20 years, there'll be one of those blue plaques

saying, "Dolly drank coffee here."

I'll have to stop you right there. You're not getting a blue plaque.

It's hard to get a blue plaque.

Andy might get a blue plaque.

Smooth might get a blue plaque. You're not plaque worthy.

You are so, so wrong.

'Noel and Dolly drone on and on

'about who is plaque worthy.'

Did you hear that? Yeah, of course.

'Smooth wipes down the surfaces.

'Andy Warhol serves dummies of the rock band Kiss.'

Who is that?

Maybe it's God.

I don't think it's God.

'You're right. I am not God.'

I am Reality Man.

What do you want?

I have deemed this show too fantastical,

therefore it must be stopped.

Are you out of your mind?

No.

I am very much in my mind.

'It is you fantasy people who are out of YOUR minds.'

Drunk on imagery and juxtaposition.

"Oh, it's a leaf on a toboggan." Well done!

'This show is now under my control.'

It is now a reality TV show.

A reality... You can't do that!

This is a fantasy show with plots and scripts.

The scripts are being taken care of...

by fire,

as in I'm burning them.

You can't...

You can't do that, they took me ages to write.

Really? Yes, really.

'Really?'

Yes, really.

Enough. Hidden cameras have been placed everywhere

and are filming your movements as we speak.

Turn on the TV and see what your show has become.

Yeah, all right, maybe I will.

We'll see what's what here.

3.15 Todd Laguna and Tony Reason

chat in their underwater studio.

Well, there's the rub with Rush.

You can have as many different time signatures as you like,

but will the man on the street go for it? No.

Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched?

3.25 on the other side of the island,

New York Cop sits on his fat arse eating doughnuts.

If only I could dislocate my jaw like a snake.

I mean...

reality TV is bad enough.

Reality TV with celebrities in it, that's even worse.

But reality TV with fantastical characters...

It's just madness!

I was in a reality TV show once,

it was called The Barrel.

It was me, a Bourbon, a ginger nut,

half a pinky wafer and a crunch cream.

One by one, we were eliminated.

That wasn't a reality TV show, was it, Roy? That was just someone

helping themselves to biscuits from their own biscuit barrel.

Oh, right, my mistake. Sorry.

As you were.

So, what are you going to do about it?

I don't know. We're going to have to do something.

You will do nothing.

You will fall in line like everyone else.

We won't fall in line

and I'll tell you why. We're fantasy people, yeah?

We won't stand around while you shoot the place up with your reality bullets.

Good one.

In a battle between reality and fantasy, reality will always win.

You will fall in line, otherwise...

Oh, sorry, that's the flute setting.

Which one is it?

Ohh...

OK. Sorry.

You will fall in line, otherwise...

..there will be harsh penalties.

What kind of penalties? 'You will be evicted.'

Evicted to where?

Back to reality.

I don't like reality.

Yeah, that's coming across.

Anyway, you can't evict me. The people on this island won't stand for it.

I mean, there'll be riots. I don't think there'll be riots.

I also don't think there will be riots, and here's why.

'People of Painted Hawaii,'

you are now in a reality TV show.

The winner will receive a huge cash prize and an Alfa Romeo.

I've already got an Alfa Romeo.

No. You see, you can't bribe this lot.

They're good people, they're moral people, they're fantasy people.

Why don't you see for yourself, Fantasy Dick?

Hooperooni, when we get that cash prize, we are going to get a van with many sirens

and some stationery. Not ordinary stationery.

We are going to get a hole punch, for God's sake.

And some doughnuts.

It seems that fantasy people

are just as interested in money as real people.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Yeah, hilarious!

'Ho-ho-ho-ho! I'm still finding it funny. Ho-ho-ho-ho...'

Noel, I want you to know that I will not buckle

like the other characters.

Thanks, Andy.

This is partly your fault.

What do... What do you mean?

Well, you said everyone would be famous for 15 minutes.

You were the one who made all those voyeuristic films

of people doing nothing. You filmed someone sleeping, didn't you?

Yes, but that was a joke.

I did not expect you people to take that ridiculous concept

and make it the very fabric of your culture.

Yeah, fair enough.

But since we are trapped in some kind of Orwellian nightmare,

maybe my Orwellian friend could help.

Who is your Orwellian friend?

George Orwell.

You know George Orwell? Yes.

I am seeing him this afternoon. We do dance lessons together.

Salsa.

Salsa? Really? He has surprisingly dainty footwork

for such an intellectual heavyweight.

Nabokov, on the other hand, has literally no rhythm.

Do you know what? That's quite a good idea. Talk to George Orwell. Mm.

In the meantime, I think we should set up a peaceful protest.

Yes, comrade.

What do we want? We want fantasy.

When do we want it? Every now and then.

Just as a break from the mundane aspects of reality.

It's not too much to ask, is it?

What do we want? We want fantasy. When do we want it?

Enough. There will now be an eviction.

What, already?

Shut up.

The nominations for eviction are as follows.

Todd Laguna, the talking shark who thinks he's a music producer.

New York Cop, the painted yellow policeman.

No! Take Hooper, he's hopeless anyway.

Joey Ramone, the Plasticine Punk.

And last, but by no means least, Fantasy Dick himself, Noel.

And the first person to be evicted is...

Fantasy Dick.

Yeah!

You can't do this. I'm Captain Fantasy. I won't go.

You evict me, the whole ship will go down.

I'm not going and that's final.

Oh, my God!

Noel has fallen through a hole.

The captain's dead. Abandon ship, abandon ship!

Oh, calm down, Andy, we're not on a ship.

And anyway, I just see it as one less person in the way of me

winning a huge cash prize.

And the Alfa Romeo.

Hmm.

Actually, now Noel has gone, maybe I could be manager.

Yeah, unfortunately, Andy, that position's already been taken.

Gene...

OK. I'm off to salsa.

Oh... reality.

Come about the job, have you?

What job?

Basically, I run a greasy spoon for the working man.

Yeah, times have changed. Used to be a mug of tea and an egg sandwich

but now it's not uncommon for a group of scaffolders to come in,

ask for a macchiato and a blueberry muffin.

It's disgusting!

So what I need is a trendy looking dickhead like you

working the coffee machine out front,

while I'm out back making the egg sandwiches and a bubble.

Bubble?

Yeah. Bubble and squeak. We make both here.

Right.

So...

when can you start?

Now?

Great.

Cool. Kool And The Gang.

Just got a job in here, actually.

Maybe see you inside for a cup of tea.

'Andy Warhol meets up with George Orwell

'for a fucking salsa lesson, of all things.'

Ah, Andy, nice to see you. Glad you could make it.

Yes. Before we start, George, I have a problem.

The show has been turned into a reality TV show.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And?

Well, Noel says it's partly my fault.

Well, you did make all those voyeuristic films of people doing nothing,

so I suppose you could be held partly responsible.

That's rich coming from you, George!

You coined the phrase "Big Brother is watching you"

in your novel Nineteen Eighty-Four.

Oh, well, keep your wig on, Warhol.

We're here to salsa, not to rumba.

I was predicting a terrifying vision of the future.

I was for freedom of speech,

whereas you just paved the way for cheap television.

I hate reality TV.

I would rather kill myself in a hot bath with a toaster

than get involved with any of it.

Well, it's too late, George. You are being filmed as we speak.

The irony is that Big Brother is now watching you.

I think you've finally lost the plot, Andy, old boy.

Oh, no.

No!

No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

That's it.

I thought you said you'd been practising. I've been trying.

Oi, mate, clean the toilets, will you? Oh, really?

What's the matter? Don't they have toilets in fantasy worlds?

They don't, actually. That's the great thing about fantasy -

you don't have to worry about the mundane aspects.

I mean, you never see Skeletor setting off his Wi-Fi.

You never see the Snow Queen coming back from getting a smear test.

Looks like your mate's about to get the chop.

'Next to be evicted...

'..Smooth, the so-called anteater who looks not much like one.'

'Yes!'

Smooth! All right?

You in Star Wars?

I'm mixed race.

Oh, right.

How's it going?

It's a nightmare back there. Reality Man's out of control.

People are dropping like flies. New York Cop's gone.

Has he?

I have literally no idea where I am.

Hey, lady, you're on the wrong side of the goddamn road!

Really? You're in a cardboard car, mate.

Yes, I am. Nice of you to notice.

Still an officer of the law.

Joey Ramone's gone.

I know he's gone, he works 'ere.

'Oh, dear, Joey,

'it seems you've been hired as a dishwasher,

'yet you've got no arms. That's unfortunate, isn't it?'

What about Dolly?

She's driving me mad. Her and Gene are all over each other.

She'd do anything for that cash prize.

Yeah, and I bet he's got his eye on the Alfa Romeo as well.

Course he has.

'I can't believe he said that.'

'Oh, Gene, you're a genius.'

We've got to get back there, put a stop to this. Let's go, then.

It's not that simple, though, is it?

The show's set in my own fantasy world. So?

You can't just get a cab back to your own fantasy world.

It's more complicated than that. Is it?

Yeah.

There must be someone that knows about this stuff.

I'm Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man

? And this is my associate Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway. ?

Fantasy Man. He's great, isn't he?

Is he?

Ah, young squire, I'll have a bacon sandwich on the gluten-free bread

and perhaps an Earl Grey tea.

You can have builder's tea, and I've only got rolls.

Very well. We'll be in this booth here.

Fantasy Man... it's me, Noel.

Ah, how are you, my good friend?

Not great, actually. I've got to get back to my own fantasy world.

Well, maybe I can help you.

Really? Yes.

Maybe I can take you back to your fantasy world

via my own fantasy world.

Can you?

Yes, you see, not many people know this

but fantasy worlds are indeed all connected.

As it shows here on this map.

Yeah, that's a tea towel, isn't it?

In reality, yes, it does look very much like a tea towel,

but when we enter the fantasy zone,

this will become an intricate map depicting all known fantasy worlds

and how and where they meet.

Will it?

Yes...

The Big Chief is right, of course, because, you see,

everything's different in the fantasy world.

Things are different in the fantasy world Yes

Towels are different in the fantasy world Yes

Towels are different in the fantasy world Yes

Dancing's different in the fantasy world Yes

? Unicorn... ? No, they're the same.

Everything's different in the fantasy world Yes

? La-la-la-la, la-la-la. ?

So, what's this?

In the fantasy world, this would become a small explosive, like a tiny bomb.

Are you going to eat that?

No, thank you. I'm gluten intolerant.

Might save that for later.

So, this is the plan.

The four of us, plus Plasticine Joey...

..will meet at the entrance to my fantasy world,

whereupon we will enter the Fantasy Zone

and then, once we're in the Fantasy Zone,

the Big Chief and I will take you back to Painted Hawaii.

Yeah... Er, where is the entrance to your fantasy world, again?

Just remind me.

In the park, of course. By the big tree.

Come along, Chief.

Oi, that's my tea towel.

That's coming out your wages.

OK, everybody hold hands.

What about Joey? He hasn't got any hands.

Smooth, put your arm round young Joey.

We're about to enter the Fantasy Zone.

About to enter the Fantasy Zone Yeah

We're all entering the Fantasy Zone Yeah

About to enter the Fantasy Zone Yeah

? About to the Fantasy Zone. ?

Come along, it'll only work if we all join in.

Jesus, this is so embarrassing.

I know, but let's just do it and get out of here.

Let us enter the Fantasy Zone Yes

Time to enter the Fantasy Zone Yeah

Time to enter the Fantasy Zone Yeah

Let us enter the Fantasy Zone Yes

Time to enter the Fantasy Zone Yeah

Fantasy Zone, Fantasy Zone

? Time to enter the Fantasy Zone... ?

Wow! The Fantasy Zone is much larger than most people anticipate.

We'll certainly need transportation

so I'll have to call Arnold 5 and his brothers.

And here comes Arnold 5.

Neigh.

And, like clockwork, his brother Arnold 4.

Woof.

And here's Arnold 3.

Spiky, spiky.

And the bisexual Arnold 2.

Snail.

And last, but not least, Arnold 1.

Definitely having the hedgehog.

Good to see all the Arnolds together again.

Usually only happens now at Easter or Christmas.

Yeah. What with modern life as it is.

What's going on over there?

Ha! Those are the entrances to the other fantasy worlds.

Someone's poured cement down the rabbit hole.

Hmm.

Oh, yeah, isn't that the wardrobe that leads to Narnia?

Yes, it is. It is the wardrobe that leads to Narnia.

All chained up, like a Chinese biscuit.

That's outrageous.

Not quite sure whose fantasy world that burning windmill's from.

Don Quixote, isn't it?

Don Quixote? Never heard of him.

Yes... It's all starting to make sense now.

This is the work of Reality Man.

Yeah, Reality Man, that's the guy who's destroying my TV show.

Really? Well, why didn't you mention it?

Well, I didn't think it was important.

Didn't think it was important?

Didn't think it was important?!

Young squire didn't think it was important. No.

"Oh, I knew about it, didn't think it was important.

"Certainly heard about it, just didn't think it was important."

Dear, oh, dear! Where have you been living?

Yes!

This character Reality Man is a fantasy terrorist.

Makes it his business to go around the place

destroying all known fantasy worlds.

"Didn't think it was important!"

Yeah, well, you know, I didn't know, did I?

Look, there he is!

Well spotted, Big Chief!

It's Richard Ayoade, innit?

How are we going to handle this?

I'll deal with this.

You! Reality Man!

Stop what you're doing at once!

Oh, look - if it isn't Sandy.

Sandy?

Sandy?! That's a Labrador's name, isn't it?

It's a perfectly reasonable name.

Yes, slightly '70s and a little bit effeminate,

but it's a good name, a good, strong name.

Yes, I'm Sandy. Sandy Fantasy Man.

Now, you, Reality Man.

I'm going to teach you a lesson that you'll never forget

with my fantasy fists and intricate footwork.

Come on! Let's see what you've got!

Oh, great.

Now you, Fantasy Dick.

Can you stop calling me Fantasy Dick?

All I'm getting is the image of a Twister lolly as my penis.

It's quite weird.

I'm going to destroy you with the purest form of reality known to man.

Death!

You're going to kill us?

Yes.

With my reality bazooka.

Reality bazooka?

Oh, this show's embarrassing. Yeah, all right.

Prepare to die, fantasy berks.

Can I ask you one question?

What? Why do you hate fantasy so much?

I just don't like made-up shit.

Right. What about art?

No. Animation?

Get fucked. Well, what do you do to escape?

Panel shows. Panel shows?

That's right. What's funnier than five men in shiny shirts

taking a sideways glance at the week's news?

He's got a point, actually.

Enough of this riffing, prepare to die.

Smooth, the bacon roll! What?

The bacon roll! Pow!

It's in your pouch, you moron.

Oh, brilliant.

A bacon roll that's also a bomb.

Er, Salvador Dali called, he wants his fucking ideas back.

Well done, Smooth!

Thanks, Sandy.

Glad to be of service.

People of Painted Hawaii,

Reality Man is dead!

This is once again a fantasy show!

And remember, in a battle between reality and fantasy,

fantasy will always win.

Guys, we're back!

Look, everyone, Captain Fantasy has returned,

along with his cabin boy, Smooth!

Great, let's all have a party, why don't we?

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with me is, I didn't win the stupid reality TV show.

That's a shame. Who did win?

Yes, I think that was one of our most successful quests to date,

Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.

Yes, Sandy.

Hey, you!

Yeah, I'm talking to you, bullet-head.

This is a no-cycling zone. Can't you read the sign?

Sorry. Either of you two bozos

know how I can get back to Painted Hawaii?

Actually, I have a map...

There you go, my good friend. Great. Cheers, pal.

Come along, Chief. Shepherd's pie for dinner.

This is a tea towel, you goddamned schmuck!

Hooper, the guy's given me a goddamned tea towel!

Hooper! Hooper!

Hooper! Arrest the guy with a cup on his chin!

Hooper! Where are you, Hooper?

Hooper, I can't see you!

Hooper!

I don't know where I am!

Hooper!

Hooper!

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