All language subtitles for Noel Fieldings s01e06 Tiger with Chlamydia.eng

Hi, welcome to the show. This is
Alfie, my go-kart instructor.

About a week ago I blessed him
with the gift of vision,

lending him my eyes.

Let's see how he got on.
What did you see, Alfie?

Oh, I saw many wonderful things.

I saw pink clouds in the sky,
I saw a huge full moon,

I saw some glorious things
by a fellow named Picasso.

But, best of all, I saw you
shaving your balls in the mirror.

Shave them smooth, boy,
shave those balls smooth.

? Luxury comedy ?

? La, la, la, la, la, la, la ?

? People running round
And people making love ?

? La, la, la, la, la, la, la ?

? People in the night
And people are up above ?

? Ooh, yeah ?

? Luxury comedy
Ooh, yeah. ?

Put him in the back!

Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru

Noel, Noel...

Noel, Noel, Noel.

Noel, Noel, Noel.

Yes?

Ah, my eye!

What did you do that for?

There was a dusty bird.

Right, what do you want?

We are out of Hoover bags,

can Smooth acquire some
next time he is at the shops?

Yeah, all right, I'll let him know.

Noel, Noel, Noel,
we are out of Hoover bags,

can you get Smooth to acquire some
next time he is at the shops?

What's going on here?
There's two of you.

You are mistaken,
there is only one Andy Warhol.

You are mistaken,
there is only one Andy Warhol.

I am the real Andy Warhol, yes, sir.

That Andy Warhol is a forgery

That Andy Warhol is a forgery.

Look, one of you is a forgery

and one of you is the real
Andy Warhol, so which one?

He is the forgery, he is clearly
the work of Bunkavan Spreckles,

perhaps the greatest forger
in the history of art.

Oh my God, I am a forgery!

This changes everything,
not least of all my value.

Why?

See, I told you he was a forgery.

You say that, look at your hands.

Oh, my God, I am a forgery!

This changes everything,
not least of all my value.

A lot of young kids come
knocking at my studio door and say,

"Tony Reason, how could we become
a music producer like you?

"Well, not you, Mark Ronson,
but we don't know where he lives."

Oh, look everyone, it's Joey Ramone,
loping down the road.

Where are you off to, Joey?

CBGB's to do a gig.

Perhaps you could squeeze me
onto the guest list?

What's that, Joey? Johnny's already
used up all the comps?

Oh, perhaps I'll go and see Stiv
Bators from the Dead Boys instead.

Oh, look, Joey, here comes Grandma
with a fresh basket of oat cakes.

What's that, Joey?

You've got a wheat allergy?

I can see that, Joey,
look at the size of your head.

What will you do now?

Oh, Joey, pieces of your exploded
head have gone all over Grandma.

What's that, Grandma?

The shock of the bang
has given you an idea?

Oh, dear, I'm not sure how
that old-fashioned gingerbread head

will go down on
the grimy New York punk scene.

Still, better than no head at all,
isn't that right, Joey?

Better than no head at all.

It's a funny old world.

Looks like rain.

Vanducci, that's what
I'm trying to tell you...

the goose was living
in the actual cable car!

Hooper, why don't people listen?

A lot of young kids come up to me
and they say,

"Hey, Diego Maradonna,
you've really let yourself go."

Other kids come up to me and say,

"Sergeant Raymond Boombox?" I have
no idea how they know my name.

"Sergeant Raymond Boombox,

"how can we get to become
a New York cop like you?

"How do we get access to a firearm?

"I need a gun bad, you've got
to help me, yellow man!"

And right off the bat, I would say
to them what I'd say to you,

"You go get a perm."

Sounds crazy, "You go get a perm"

that's the first thing
you need to know and here's why.

In 1979,
I was fresh out of rookie college

and, yeah, I had the long, straight
black curly hair like Black Sabbath.

I thought I was the king
of the Hooha Men.

To cut a long story short,

I was about to get my hands
on a very famous serial killer,

the Brooklyn Ice Box Throttler.

A maniac who would leap
out of people's freezers

and strangle them in their own homes

and then put jam on their telephones

and listen to their radios
whilst fingering himself

in their dressing gowns.

Anyway, we had him cornered
in a freezer in Queens.

Anyway, he jumped out of the freezer
and we would've nailed that punk

if Hooper hadn't
taken it upon himself

to slam the fridge door shut,

trapping my lustrous hair
as he did so.

Argh!

Hooper, what the hell's
got into you? He's getting away!

The popsicles were melting. When I
leave the fridge door open at home,

we never hear the end of it.
Mrs Hooper goes crazy.

I couldn't stand and watch
melting popsicles,

they were dripping everywhere,
I had to close the door.

You idiot, Hooper! What flavour
were they? No, you come back here!

I could do nothing except watch that
serial killer skip away to freedom

and for a New York cop, with the
worst case of piles in Europe,

that has to be
a bad afternoon's work.

Finally, nothing can stop me

becoming President
of The United States.

You come back here!

No... No!

I will get you my friend, maybe not
now but in like two hours' time.

After we've stopped off
to get some crepes.

We're right near the place,
we love that place, me and Hooper.

I'm ashamed to say that watching
the Vice-President strangled

gave me an erection, an erection
that came from the vision

of an honourable man being destroyed
in his own front room.

What's wrong with me?!
I'm a sick pervert!

Hooper, it used to be nuns
and schoolgirls,

now it's honourable men being
destroyed in their own homes!

And that's why New York cops
should get perms.

If you think you have what it takes
to get a perm, call this number.

02, 34, 97.

What the hell are you doing you
nincompoop, that's my home number?

Hooper, you switch
the camera off. Hooper!

Hooper, are you in a trance?

No, my hair's trapped
under the seat. I can't move.

I told you to get a perm, Hooper.

That's what the whole goddamn piece
is about... perms in the force!

What's wrong with you?

Join the force but get a perm,
don't be like Hooper, he's an idiot.

Phone the number, not that number,
that's my own goddamn number.

Hooper got his hair caught!
Hooper got his hair caught!

Hooper shaved his pubes off!

Hooper loves his mummy!

You shut up, you imbecile.

Hooper, you have that edited
together for first thing tomorrow,

I got to go,
it's my wife's bowling night.

I mean I could edit that

but the programme I use to edit
is in my brother's car.

I could do it at the weekend.
When does this have to be in?

I was going to take the kids
camping out on the lakes.

It's beautiful,
the fishing's divine.

My wife caught a barracuda one time,
imagine that... barracuda!

First time she ever held a rod,
she catches a 300lb monster.

Doesn't surprise me,
that's the kind of woman she is.

I mean, I knew the first day
I met her, we danced and we kissed.

I said, "I'm going to spend the rest
of my life with this woman."

Dave said, "You always say that!"

I said, "I got a feeling,
we're going to get married."

Dave said, "What weekend is that?"

I said, "What do you mean
what weekend? We just met!

"I just got a feeling that's all."

Dave says,
"As long it's not April 4th,

"because that's
my wife's sister's birthday.

"I don't want to go but I have to
go, you know, family, blah, blah."

All bleeding coming together, innit,
all bleeding coming together.

Worked it out, haven't I?
This ain't it.

I'm in quarantine, aren't I,
bleeding quarantine.

Just got to keep my head down, wait
for my transfer to me bigger digs.

Imagine that, it'll be huge,
there'll be female lions.

I'll get my own company car,
be able to go and come as I please.

All bleeding coming together.

Probably be real cigarettes,
won't have to do this as much.

Yeah, all bleeding coming together.

Who are you?

I am Allen Key, quite literally
the key to your freedom.

Wait a minute, I know who you are,

you're that famous artist geezer
aren't you, you're Jeff Koons.

I am most certainly not Jeff Koons,
I am the world famous Andy Warhol.

I bleeding love Jeff Koons' stuff.

He is OK,
but he is not in my league.

What, really? His balloon animal
sculptures? They were blinding.

They were overrated.

I think history's going
to be very kind to Jeff Koons.

Shut up about Jeff Koons!

All right, keep your silver wig on,
what do you want anyway, pal?

Listen, I am Allen Key and
I am here to help you, Dondylion.

Help me? Don't need any help, do I?
All bleeding coming together.

It is far from
coming together, Dondylion,

it is about as far from coming
together as is humanly possible.

Do you want
to know what happens?

In July, you suffer
from severe weight loss.

Well, I do go up and down
with me weight, I'm like Oprah.

In September, you die
from a rare form of lion AIDS.

In December, you are buried out
the back by a simpleton.

There is no funeral.

You have to choose Dondylion,
between lion AIDS and freedom,

lion AIDS and freedom.

I don't want lion AIDS, do I?
Who wants bleeding lion AIDS?

Choose freedom.

I will, what do I have to do,
fill in a form?

No, put me in the lock
and twist me, Dondylion.

Want me to twist you up,
you silver bitch.

This is more like it.

Climb over the wall to freedom.

Dave, you got here quick,
got here before me.

Are you ready for freedom?

We've made it, Dave,
we've bleeding made it!

Look at freedom. Look at it, Dave!
Look at the trees, look at the sky,

look at the tiny ants
on the pavement.

All bleeding came together.

Let's go and get ourselves
a healthy dose of freedom.

Oops.

It's all...

bleeding...

coming...

together.

That's that album complete.

File that will you next to the
tapirs who went blind in the '70s.

OK.

One more thing, I couldn't help
noticing you played a key in that.

Yes.

How did you get that gig?

I fingered the casting director.

Martin?! He's about 60!

In this business,
you've got to do what it takes.

As long as it doesn't affect
your cleaning work.

Fuck you, I'm a star.

He came from the suburbs
with a huge feline head

and a searching
red arrow for a penis.

Nobody is safe from...

The Tiger With Chlamydia.

Dum, dum, dum!

Priests...

Oh, please!

Horses...

Neigh!

School children.

Blimey! Leave it out.

No, thank you, sir, I already
have it, come along children.

Unbelievable!

Even Snake Plissken from Escape
From New York seen here

enjoying a frappuccino.

You can run but you can't hide
from The Tiger With Chlamydia.

Dum, dum, dum!

If you see the tiger,
contact this number immediately.

If you haven't already
got the disease

waste no time in sending off for
your own personal chlamydia helmet,

the only way to protect yourself
from The Tiger With Chlamydia.

Dum, dum, dum!

? Me and my flamingo... ?

? We're off to Tesco Metro ?

? Me and my flamingo... ?

? Rolling up and down the road ?

? But we've had a little fight ?

? And now we're walking
in single file ?

? Single file ?

? Oh-oh, single file ?

? Oh-oh... ?

? Me and my flamingo ?

? Have made the pepper all go ?

? Me and my flamingo ?

? We're off to Tesco Metro ?

? But it's flared up again ?

? And now you're putting
on one of your shows ?

? Crying from my eyes ?

? Crying from my hundred eyes ?

? Crying from my eyes ?

? Crying from my hundred... ?

OK, great, I think we can probably
use that in its entirety.

You guys pop out for lunch.
I'll give Dave Rowntree a text

and see if he wants to come in
and beef up the drums.

I understand you do
your own percussion.

In many respects
you are your own percussion,

but I just think if the track
stays in that state

we won't get any radio airplay.

No, Kenny Loggins
is a terrible example.

There's no call for that language.

Unbelievable,
bloody country and western singers.

Well, you completely lost control
of that situation.

It escalated, didn't it, quick,
spiralled out of control.

Oh great, here we go.

I just thought I'd swoop in
and see how my old mucker's doing.

Oh, really?

Which is not that well.

The thing is, all I was saying was,
Diamond Back laid down a track

I just wanted to put some drums in.
It's not a big deal, is it?

I mean he doesn't have
to get all diva-ish, does he?

Hasn't even have a song out yet.

Yeah.

He's not Lady Gaga, is he?

No, well, who is?

Lady Gaga.

Well, yeah. I mean, other than her.

The point is I just thought
it needed some extra drums

and I was just about to persuade him
when you came crashing in,

you big hammerhead.

All right, no need to call a brother
out on what he looks like.

I don't say how flat your face is,
which is very, by the way.

All I was going to do
was get Dave Rowntree in.

What? Don't get a ginger drummer.

Yeah, he looks like
a Scotch egg wearing glasses.

But the guy's a ballsy drummer.
He is a balls out drummer.

He pours sawdust down,
takes his pants off

and picks up his sticks

and he just beats the shit out
of that kit.

Do not get a ginger drummer.

He lives round the corner,
he's a solid drummer.

Do not get a ginger drummer.

He's a solid drummer.

They're bad news.

What do you mean?

They get very hot,
you can't use a red backdrop

otherwise they disappear.

That's true, actually.

It's just sticks and eyes.

I know where you're coming from.

I worked with Cream,
did their live album.

Ginger Baker used to get
so hot, after the gigs

Jack Bruce used to use him
as a desk lamp.

Well, he looks like a lava lamp
once he gets going, doesn't he?

They did used to take him
to parties,

turn him upside down.

I quite enjoyed that.

Really? I thought it was racist.

I came here in 1949
with my Spanish brothers.

In those days we were see-through
and our heads tapered into a point.

Can you understand why we're here?
It's because we need to be.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's my Australian accent.

Do it again.

Pass me the biro, mate.

Pass me the biro.

Look, mate, pass me the biro.
Boo, boo.

Pass me the biro, mate.

Pass me the biro.

Quick, mate! Pass me the biro.

Mate, pass me the biro.

Can't you see what's
happening, mate?

Don't just stare at me, mate. Mate,
you're just looking through me!

Please, you got to help me!

Ow!

For God's sake,
I've got chlamydia.

Dum, dum, dum...

Calm down.

What do you mean, "calm down"?

I'll have to walk
around town now all week

in a chlamydia outfit.

Just get some antibiotics.

It's not fair. Why do I get
chlamydia and not you?

You should get a chlamydia helmet.
You not seen the adverts?

It's the only way
to protect yourself from...

The Tiger With Chlamydia.

Dum, dum, dum...

Pass me the biro, mate.

Mate, please, pass me the biro.

Mate, I've got chlamydia.
Pass me the biro.

You know who you should call?

Who?

Collins.

Oh, not the C-man.

That's right, Collins.

There's only one C-man drummer,
and that's Copeland.

I don't trust blonde bands,
there aren't any

that are any good.

There are some
good blonde musicians.

Yeah, individually,
but get three of them together

and you get that kind
of clusterfuck like The Police.

And, you know, it's just no good.

Sting is a close personal friend
of mine, I won't take that.

When did that motherfucker
become like some medieval minstrel?

He can't do a chat show without
whipping out a lute these days.

He's just broadening his range.

I don't like Sting,

I think he's a bad bass player.

You wanted to produce Regatta de
Blanc and Sting turned to me.

The guy can't do reggae,
let it go.

What do you mean,
the guy can't do reggae?

He built a career
on doing reggae!

White reggae is a powerful
piece of business.

When done by three white men
it sounds different.

Yeah, great,
when Bob Marley does it,

it sounds authentic,

but when you get three
white guys doing reggae

you can't beat that sound.

Yeah, well.

Anyway I've to go,
pick the kids up from school.

Do you mind picking up my lot?

No, no, it's fine.
Do you mind if I take your Jeep?

Sure, yeah, but fill it up this
time, do you know what I mean,

don't take the piss.

Unbelievable, so tight,
you and Collins.

Well, that thing...

Worth a fortune,
the pair of you.

Always counting every last penny.

Well, it takes about 110 a tank.

No-one asked you, did they,
to get a Jeep that size.

Well, I didn't know, did I?

It's like a battle station.

You feel very safe in it
though, don't you?

You do, actually.

And that's important, safety.

See you, then.

I mean, I quite like the hat,
but the outfit's ridiculous,

the gusset's nearly on the floor.

See, I'm always prepared, not like
you, you're reckless like a child.

Not only have I got this helmet,
this watch stops if you get lupus.

These clogs protect me
from typhoid.

Typhoid clogs?

That's why I'm more successful
than you, financially,

and with the ladies.

The ladies. You mean the Sheilas?
Pass me the biro, mate.

I hate you.

Oh, I've got shin splints!

You look like an idiot.

Oh, my God, look at the state
of your outfits,

you look absolutely ridiculous.

Yeah, don't go on about it,
I've got chlamyds

and he's got shin splints.

Just get a helmet
and some special rubber pants.

Have you not see the ad farts?

The what?

The ad farts.

Sorry, the what?

The ad farts.

The head farts?

Just get a special helmet,
why don't you?

Oh, my God, is this even a disease?

Oh, my God! It's not fair,
I haven't seen the ad fart.

Hello...

That is not a disease, ma'am,
that is a perm,

you've been recruited to
the New York Police Force.

You report to your local precinct,
6am for weapons training.

Oh, come on, I can't get up
that early,

besides I already have a job.

Really? What is it you do, ma'am?

I'm a slasher.

A what?

You know, a DJ, slash,
knit wear designer, slash, model,

plus I do pop-up stores where
I sell my own jewellery.

Ma'am, with all due respect

none of those things
are real jobs, OK, you tit.

You get out there and start
solving crimes, thank you.

Hooper! I recruited another one.

I mean, is that even legal, poking
people with your yellow arrow penis?

Hooper, you are so innocent, in this
job you do what you got to do.

What the hell is this?

That, my friend, is good
old-fashioned 1960s gonorrhoea.

Hooper, phone Mrs Boombox and tell
her to cancel our anniversary meal.

In fact, tell her I died
in the line of duty.

She cannot see me like this.

I saw you.

I see everything.

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