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1
00:00:07,455 --> 00:00:10,775
Hi. This is Martin Rogers, my estate
agent. We do everything together.
2
00:00:10,775 --> 00:00:14,695
We wrote this show together,
we go on cycling trips together,
3
00:00:14,695 --> 00:00:18,335
we bought these Mark Knopfler head
bands together off Mark Knopfler -
4
00:00:18,335 --> 00:00:22,175
he was having a garage sale.
What a Tuesday that was.
5
00:00:22,175 --> 00:00:23,775
You touched me.
6
00:00:23,775 --> 00:00:24,895
What? When?
7
00:00:24,895 --> 00:00:26,735
In the night times.
8
00:00:27,975 --> 00:00:31,055
He's joking. Enjoy the show.
9
00:00:31,055 --> 00:00:32,575
Why would you say that?
10
00:00:32,575 --> 00:00:36,735
My mum watches this show. This is
going on telly, it's not a joke.
11
00:00:36,735 --> 00:00:42,255
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
12
00:00:42,255 --> 00:00:43,655
? Luxury comedy
13
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:50,855
? La la la la-la-la
14
00:00:50,855 --> 00:00:53,695
? Get me running round
and I open the door
15
00:00:53,695 --> 00:00:56,455
? La la la la-la-la
16
00:00:56,455 --> 00:00:59,135
? Get me in the night
We'll be looking up above
17
00:01:00,535 --> 00:01:02,175
? Ooh, yeah
18
00:01:06,615 --> 00:01:08,415
? Ooh, yeah
Put him in the bag. ?
19
00:01:12,855 --> 00:01:15,375
JUNGLE CREATURES CALLING
20
00:01:15,375 --> 00:01:18,055
(IMITATES LASERS BLARING)
21
00:01:18,055 --> 00:01:19,535
(IMITATES HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)
22
00:01:19,535 --> 00:01:22,095
(IMITATES GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS)
23
00:01:22,095 --> 00:01:24,295
(ANIMALISTIC THROBBING)
24
00:01:24,295 --> 00:01:26,415
(LAUGHS)
25
00:01:26,415 --> 00:01:27,895
MUSICAL PHONE RINGTONE
26
00:01:27,895 --> 00:01:30,175
Sorry, it's my landlord,
I've got to take this.
27
00:01:30,175 --> 00:01:31,495
Hey, Peter, how's it going?
28
00:01:31,495 --> 00:01:32,775
All right, Noel?
29
00:01:32,775 --> 00:01:35,735
Sorry about the rent, I'll get
Smooth to put that in on Monday.
30
00:01:35,735 --> 00:01:36,775
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
31
00:01:36,775 --> 00:01:39,055
I wanted to talk to you
about the rent, actually,
32
00:01:39,055 --> 00:01:41,135
you don't think
it's a bit high, do you?
33
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:42,935
What do you mean?
34
00:01:42,935 --> 00:01:44,655
Well, I live in an open-planned hut,
35
00:01:44,655 --> 00:01:47,695
perched in a tree in the middle
of a red-and-blue jungle.
36
00:01:47,695 --> 00:01:50,895
I appreciate that, but it's an
up-and-coming area, know what I mean?
37
00:01:50,895 --> 00:01:51,895
Is it? Really?
38
00:01:51,895 --> 00:01:54,935
Well, of course it is,
they're putting a tube line in,
39
00:01:54,935 --> 00:01:59,255
putting two tube lines in.
Actually, I've got a pamphlet,
40
00:01:59,255 --> 00:02:01,495
they're putting in nine tube lines.
41
00:02:01,495 --> 00:02:02,975
So really you owe me money.
42
00:02:08,135 --> 00:02:10,215
I've got my own game show
on cable telly.
43
00:02:10,215 --> 00:02:12,855
No way! That's massive.
What channel's it on?
44
00:02:12,855 --> 00:02:14,855
Channel Boom Boom.
45
00:02:14,855 --> 00:02:17,055
Yeah, I don't think
I get that channel, Peter.
46
00:02:17,055 --> 00:02:19,935
You don't need to get it,
you're on the show right now.
47
00:02:19,935 --> 00:02:23,335
That's why I'm ringing.
You're on it live.
48
00:02:23,335 --> 00:02:26,415
What? Really?
49
00:02:26,415 --> 00:02:29,495
Yeah. Actually, you've won a prize.
50
00:02:29,495 --> 00:02:32,175
Yes! What have I won?
51
00:02:32,175 --> 00:02:33,975
Now, you can either have a banana,
52
00:02:33,975 --> 00:02:37,695
a speedboat or a speedboat
made from a banana.
53
00:02:37,695 --> 00:02:40,295
Which one of those things
appeals to you the most?
54
00:02:40,295 --> 00:02:42,215
Definitely the speedboat.
55
00:02:42,215 --> 00:02:46,095
I've always imagined myself cruising
around Miami, solving crimes.
56
00:02:46,095 --> 00:02:49,815
I know you've always fantasised
about being on a speedboat.
57
00:02:49,815 --> 00:02:53,495
In fact, what you didn't know,
and what I didn't know,
58
00:02:53,495 --> 00:02:59,015
is we've recreated that fantasy
for you now for the viewers at home.
59
00:02:59,015 --> 00:03:01,175
You're watching Channel Boom Boom,
60
00:03:01,175 --> 00:03:04,415
and this is Noel's speedboat fantasy.
61
00:03:06,535 --> 00:03:10,575
So listen, I was thinking maybe
we could pop by the beach house
62
00:03:10,575 --> 00:03:14,055
and grab some lobster and cava,
what do you reckon?
63
00:03:16,095 --> 00:03:18,455
Cos that's what we do,
we go to the beach house.
64
00:03:20,855 --> 00:03:22,055
Lobster it is!
65
00:03:22,055 --> 00:03:23,535
Woo-hoo!
66
00:03:27,455 --> 00:03:32,095
(LAUGHS) Anyway, right, let's see
what you would have won, yeah,
67
00:03:32,095 --> 00:03:35,495
the banana, the speedboat or
the speedboat made of bananas.
68
00:03:35,495 --> 00:03:40,335
You're watching Channel Boom Boom,
I'm Secret Peter,
69
00:03:40,335 --> 00:03:42,535
and this idiot wants a speedboat.
70
00:03:42,535 --> 00:03:46,695
Can you move the autocue?
I can't fucking read it.
71
00:03:46,695 --> 00:03:48,455
Why is it so far away?
72
00:03:49,535 --> 00:03:52,855
Where's that small bloke
who pushes it closer?
73
00:03:52,855 --> 00:03:56,535
And why is he... He's winding it
too fast, it's like a blur.
74
00:03:56,535 --> 00:03:58,855
Does he know I've got brain damage?
75
00:03:59,895 --> 00:04:02,295
Unbelievable. Right, do that again.
76
00:04:02,295 --> 00:04:06,175
Let the spinning beginning.
77
00:04:11,455 --> 00:04:16,855
Oh, the speedboat made of bananas,
that's the worst prize there is.
78
00:04:16,855 --> 00:04:18,935
I don't even think
you can win the speedboat.
79
00:04:18,935 --> 00:04:20,735
What is Channel Boom Boom, anyway?
80
00:04:20,735 --> 00:04:23,775
Can you show some respect?
Of course you can win a speedboat.
81
00:04:23,775 --> 00:04:27,055
Yeah, all right. Sorry, Peter.
Maybe next time, eh?
82
00:04:27,055 --> 00:04:28,535
Yeah, maybe next time.
83
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,215
All right, I'll see you later.
84
00:04:31,495 --> 00:04:32,615
I beat my wife.
85
00:04:34,295 --> 00:04:35,495
What?
86
00:04:35,495 --> 00:04:37,415
I beat my wife.
87
00:04:38,735 --> 00:04:40,295
You're not even married.
88
00:04:40,295 --> 00:04:43,655
Of course I'm married.
Peanut Jenkins, innit?
89
00:04:43,655 --> 00:04:46,815
That's not your wife. It's a peanut
you found in one of your neck rolls.
90
00:04:46,815 --> 00:04:49,295
You're my life partner.
91
00:04:50,375 --> 00:04:54,815
Oh, she's gone in half.
Two wives, boom, for real.
92
00:04:54,815 --> 00:04:57,935
I was a goalie, I got brain damage.
93
00:04:57,935 --> 00:05:00,135
What the hell are you doing here?
94
00:05:00,135 --> 00:05:02,375
Hey, do you fancy
hitting the beach house?
95
00:05:02,375 --> 00:05:05,615
I hate the beach house. You're
obsessed with the beach house.
96
00:05:05,615 --> 00:05:07,495
Your loss.
97
00:05:07,495 --> 00:05:11,935
Right, I'll fly solo, then.
Ring, ring, ring, ring.
98
00:05:11,935 --> 00:05:13,895
Hi, yeah, is that the beach house?
99
00:05:13,895 --> 00:05:17,615
Yeah, I called earlier to book a
table for two, by the window, yeah?
100
00:05:25,135 --> 00:05:27,335
What a glorious day, Joey.
101
00:05:27,335 --> 00:05:30,135
We don't often have days
like this in Scotland,
102
00:05:30,135 --> 00:05:34,455
but when we do, we have
the best beaches in the world.
103
00:05:34,455 --> 00:05:39,015
What's wrong, Joey? Too shy
to get into your bathing costume?
104
00:05:39,015 --> 00:05:42,695
Oh, don't worry, Joey,
we've all got different bodies,
105
00:05:42,695 --> 00:05:44,375
and that's the beauty of it.
106
00:05:44,375 --> 00:05:46,775
You've got a short body
with long legs
107
00:05:46,775 --> 00:05:49,735
and I've got a long body
with short legs.
108
00:05:49,735 --> 00:05:52,575
But we're both beautiful
in our own way.
109
00:05:52,575 --> 00:05:55,975
Go behind the wind breaker
and get changed.
110
00:05:55,975 --> 00:05:57,975
I promise you'll feel better
111
00:05:57,975 --> 00:06:01,495
once you're into your bathing suit
like everyone else.
112
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:05,335
Oh, Joey, you seem to be wearing
your mother's swimming costume,
113
00:06:05,335 --> 00:06:07,135
and what's this?
114
00:06:07,135 --> 00:06:11,975
It's your mother wearing your sports
trunks with her breasts all exposed.
115
00:06:11,975 --> 00:06:15,855
Oh dear, better get in the ocean
quick before you're both arrested.
116
00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:19,455
What an hilarious mix-up.
117
00:06:19,455 --> 00:06:20,935
Oh, Joey Ramone.
118
00:06:20,935 --> 00:06:22,935
Oh, Joey Ramone's mother.
119
00:06:22,935 --> 00:06:24,815
It's a funny old world.
120
00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:31,095
PHONE RINGS
121
00:06:34,055 --> 00:06:36,095
There's a phone call
for you on line one.
122
00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:37,455
Hmm? Phone call on line one.
123
00:06:37,455 --> 00:06:39,855
Not Secret Peter again,
is it? He's doing my head in.
124
00:06:39,855 --> 00:06:42,135
I don't know, but it's important.
125
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,295
It's crazy round here this morning,
isn't it?
126
00:06:44,295 --> 00:06:47,335
It's like Piccadilly Circus. I've
got stuff to do. I'm a busy man.
127
00:06:47,335 --> 00:06:48,055
What stuff?
128
00:06:48,055 --> 00:06:49,095
A lot of stuff.
129
00:06:49,095 --> 00:06:50,175
I've never seen you do anything.
130
00:06:50,175 --> 00:06:52,295
Yeah, that's because
I'm like a swan.
131
00:06:52,295 --> 00:06:56,135
Above the surface, nothing,
underneath, swan legs.
132
00:06:56,135 --> 00:06:59,175
Boo-boo-dip, boo-boo-dip,
boo-boo-dip...
133
00:06:59,175 --> 00:07:00,815
Swan legs.
134
00:07:00,815 --> 00:07:02,095
All right!
135
00:07:06,735 --> 00:07:07,655
(LAUGHS)
136
00:07:07,655 --> 00:07:09,015
Oh, my God!
137
00:07:09,015 --> 00:07:11,695
What, have you made a cake
in the shape of our own phone?
138
00:07:11,695 --> 00:07:12,415
Yeah.
139
00:07:12,415 --> 00:07:13,335
How long did that take?
140
00:07:13,335 --> 00:07:14,375
Three hours.
141
00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:16,935
Three hours?! You should have waited
142
00:07:16,935 --> 00:07:18,655
until there were more people here,
143
00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:20,735
cos there's only me and you,
and I hated it.
144
00:07:20,735 --> 00:07:24,175
I can't be the only one who gets
done, we've got to get someone else.
145
00:07:24,175 --> 00:07:25,175
Go and make another one.
146
00:07:25,175 --> 00:07:25,935
What are you going to do?
147
00:07:25,935 --> 00:07:28,015
I'm going to do more stuff
with my swan legs,
148
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:31,055
with my powerful,
feathered swan legs.
149
00:07:31,055 --> 00:07:32,855
Boo-boo-dip, boo-boo-dip...
150
00:07:35,695 --> 00:07:39,975
Last year I accidentally called
my four-year-old niece a dickhead.
151
00:07:39,975 --> 00:07:42,255
Now I've been banned from Christmas,
152
00:07:42,255 --> 00:07:45,815
the only time I ever get
to see people I'm related to.
153
00:07:47,415 --> 00:07:50,855
I just want to be around
the other circles!
154
00:07:52,455 --> 00:07:54,615
Please,
155
00:07:54,615 --> 00:07:57,255
lift the ban for Uncle Roy.
156
00:07:57,255 --> 00:07:58,615
He won't do it again.
157
00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:02,575
I'll make it up to her!
158
00:08:02,575 --> 00:08:05,935
I'll buy her some more earrings,
the dickhead.
159
00:08:07,375 --> 00:08:09,695
No, done it again.
160
00:08:13,935 --> 00:08:17,695
He's coming, he's coming.
do it now, now, now.
161
00:08:17,695 --> 00:08:19,735
Andy, there's a phone call for you.
162
00:08:19,735 --> 00:08:20,935
A phone call for me?
163
00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:23,135
Yeah, it's overseas,
it might be Lou Reed.
164
00:08:23,135 --> 00:08:24,615
Ah, Lou Reed!
165
00:08:24,615 --> 00:08:28,015
Hello, Lou. Oh, what is happening?
166
00:08:28,015 --> 00:08:29,295
Oh, the phone.
167
00:08:29,295 --> 00:08:34,575
(LAUGHS) Smooth made a cake
in the shape of our phone.
168
00:08:34,575 --> 00:08:36,695
I do not understand.
169
00:08:36,695 --> 00:08:39,615
I think maybe your English
humour is wasted on me.
170
00:08:39,615 --> 00:08:42,655
But thank you for the experience,
I will always remember it.
171
00:08:42,655 --> 00:08:45,135
Anyway, I must get on
with some chores now.
172
00:08:45,135 --> 00:08:47,975
Smooth, can you pass me the iron?
173
00:08:50,015 --> 00:08:51,175
(LAUGHS)
174
00:08:51,175 --> 00:08:52,615
Ha-ha, ha, ha.
175
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:54,055
Ha-ha, ha, ha.
176
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:55,375
Ha-ha, ha, ha.
177
00:08:55,375 --> 00:08:56,575
Ha-ha, ha, ha.
178
00:08:56,575 --> 00:08:59,815
Your laughter's
a bit weird, isn't it?
179
00:08:59,815 --> 00:09:01,535
Yes, individual laughter sheets,
180
00:09:01,535 --> 00:09:04,015
joined together
like theatre tickets or sausages.
181
00:09:11,095 --> 00:09:14,375
Often, if I'm working with
a band that I don't really know,
182
00:09:14,375 --> 00:09:17,575
there's a tension
in the studio at first,
183
00:09:17,575 --> 00:09:23,335
and as an ice-breaker, what I've
learnt to do, it's a little trick,
184
00:09:23,335 --> 00:09:27,095
I did it with Bon Jovi actually, is,
if I can feel that tension,
185
00:09:27,095 --> 00:09:30,255
and I think that, you know, we need
a laugh, we need a gag,
186
00:09:30,255 --> 00:09:32,935
what I do is I quietly
go up to the lead singer
187
00:09:32,935 --> 00:09:34,695
and put my finger in his anus.
188
00:09:37,295 --> 00:09:39,295
Did that with Bon Jovi
189
00:09:39,295 --> 00:09:45,775
and kept it there while he sang
the whole of Living On A Prayer.
190
00:09:45,775 --> 00:09:48,695
The only problem was
he became attached to it
191
00:09:48,695 --> 00:09:50,855
and felt he couldn't get
a good vocal take
192
00:09:50,855 --> 00:09:53,415
if my finger wasn't in his anus.
193
00:09:53,415 --> 00:09:57,255
So it became a little tricky,
you know, to work the mixing desk
194
00:09:57,255 --> 00:09:59,575
and have a finger
in Bon Jovi's anus,
195
00:09:59,575 --> 00:10:01,615
but you do what you've got to do.
196
00:10:03,975 --> 00:10:06,455
SLURPING
197
00:10:14,895 --> 00:10:17,615
BOTH SPEAK A STRANGE LANGUAGE
198
00:10:34,255 --> 00:10:35,335
BOING
199
00:10:43,935 --> 00:10:45,015
SMASH
200
00:10:58,055 --> 00:10:59,735
SIREN
201
00:11:10,375 --> 00:11:12,375
BLEEPING
202
00:11:16,895 --> 00:11:18,375
CRASH
203
00:11:23,055 --> 00:11:24,375
Oh!
204
00:11:25,615 --> 00:11:28,895
HONKING
205
00:11:38,255 --> 00:11:40,975
BOTH MAKE LUSTFUL EXPRESSIONS
206
00:12:06,895 --> 00:12:09,015
FOOTBALL CROWD CHEERS
207
00:12:18,135 --> 00:12:21,255
ROMANTIC SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS
208
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,840
HISSING
209
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,680
FOOTBALL CROWD CHEERS
210
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:56,400
ROCKET WHIRS
211
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:03,960
? Ooh, yeah. ?
212
00:14:11,655 --> 00:14:14,935
This nation used to lead
the world in theatre.
213
00:14:14,935 --> 00:14:19,575
We had some of the finest
dramatic writers ever to hold quill.
214
00:14:19,575 --> 00:14:21,935
I'm thinking of Shakespeare,
Ben Jonson,
215
00:14:21,935 --> 00:14:24,935
right up until George Bernard Shaw,
though many dismiss him
216
00:14:24,935 --> 00:14:27,215
as a polemicist,
I'd point them to Pygmalion.
217
00:14:28,295 --> 00:14:33,335
But past the stage of Ibsen, when
he moved it into the drawing room
218
00:14:33,335 --> 00:14:34,735
and really shook things up -
219
00:14:34,735 --> 00:14:37,935
and you'd probably have to put
Chekov into that arena as well -
220
00:14:37,935 --> 00:14:39,575
we've been floundering about.
221
00:14:39,575 --> 00:14:43,015
I've no time for John Osborne,
I think he's a very samey writer
222
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:46,015
who's often banging the same drum.
223
00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:49,655
And I really feel that
a large portion of this blame
224
00:14:49,655 --> 00:14:52,255
has to be shouldered
by Ice-Cream Eyes.
225
00:14:52,255 --> 00:14:54,135
It couldn't have been me,
226
00:14:54,135 --> 00:14:57,655
I was trying to work out why
it was only raining in one puddle.
227
00:14:57,655 --> 00:14:59,415
Oh, Ice-Cream Eyes.
228
00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:07,015
I mean, I absolutely loved
working with Gram Parsons,
229
00:15:07,015 --> 00:15:09,775
Gram was an absolute joy.
He was...
230
00:15:11,015 --> 00:15:12,375
Do you mind?
231
00:15:12,375 --> 00:15:16,135
Could you do that later, please?
I'm doing an interview.
232
00:15:16,135 --> 00:15:17,455
I've been to college.
233
00:15:17,455 --> 00:15:18,295
What?
234
00:15:18,295 --> 00:15:19,495
I've been to college.
235
00:15:19,495 --> 00:15:22,575
We've all been to college.
What's that got to do with it?
236
00:15:22,575 --> 00:15:23,895
Paul said.
237
00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:29,255
I don't care what Paul said,
Paul's a sound engineer who I hire,
238
00:15:29,255 --> 00:15:30,535
this is my studio.
239
00:15:31,855 --> 00:15:32,935
Paul said.
240
00:15:32,935 --> 00:15:35,775
I'm doing an interview,
just come back later, thank you.
241
00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:38,975
Arsehole.
242
00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:45,455
We're off to judo.
243
00:15:45,455 --> 00:15:47,095
Oh great, have a good time.
244
00:15:47,095 --> 00:15:48,095
What's wrong with you?
245
00:15:48,095 --> 00:15:50,455
I'm bored, aren't I? I'm bored.
246
00:15:50,455 --> 00:15:52,015
Then do some drawings, Noel!
247
00:15:52,015 --> 00:15:56,135
I've done loads of drawing today,
I did a cactus and a woman's face.
248
00:15:56,135 --> 00:15:58,655
Do something constructive
like your tax returns.
249
00:15:58,655 --> 00:16:02,575
"Like my tax returns"!
Are you serious?
250
00:16:02,575 --> 00:16:04,095
Who are you, Donald Trump?
251
00:16:06,495 --> 00:16:08,495
Can't I just come to judo with you?
252
00:16:08,495 --> 00:16:10,135
You don't have the outfit, Noel,
253
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:13,095
and you have to be recommended
by somebody in the class.
254
00:16:13,095 --> 00:16:14,375
Who recommended you?
255
00:16:14,375 --> 00:16:15,295
Smooth.
256
00:16:15,295 --> 00:16:16,375
Who recommended you?
257
00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:16,935
Dolly.
258
00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,855
Ah! Unbelievable.
259
00:16:18,855 --> 00:16:20,775
Why not ask Fantasy Man for a story?
260
00:16:20,775 --> 00:16:24,775
I do... That's a good idea actually,
that's one of your best ideas.
261
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:26,415
All right, see you later.
262
00:16:30,095 --> 00:16:31,615
See?
263
00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:38,935
Fantasy Man?
264
00:16:38,935 --> 00:16:40,095
Who goes there?
265
00:16:40,095 --> 00:16:41,575
It's me, Noel.
266
00:16:41,575 --> 00:16:44,495
What can I help you with,
young squire?
267
00:16:44,495 --> 00:16:45,935
Tell me one of your stories.
268
00:16:45,935 --> 00:16:49,455
You know, about your fantastical
quests, I love those little stories.
269
00:16:49,455 --> 00:16:53,095
As you know, I have been on many
exciting quests and adventures
270
00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:57,495
and I'd love to tell you a story.
Unfortunately, I'm rather busy.
271
00:16:57,495 --> 00:16:58,855
Really, doing what?
272
00:16:58,855 --> 00:17:02,015
Protecting you from
the black-winged harbingers of doom.
273
00:17:02,015 --> 00:17:03,015
The who?
274
00:17:03,015 --> 00:17:04,575
The evil crumb stealers.
275
00:17:04,575 --> 00:17:06,015
What, the birds?
276
00:17:06,015 --> 00:17:09,135
Call them what you will,
I know their true purpose.
277
00:17:09,135 --> 00:17:10,935
Yeah, good luck with that.
278
00:17:10,935 --> 00:17:14,095
If you really need a story,
help yourself to my autobiography.
279
00:17:14,095 --> 00:17:17,015
There's a few juicy morsels
in there, I can tell you.
280
00:17:17,015 --> 00:17:21,015
It was actually number 44
in The Guardian best-seller list.
281
00:17:25,375 --> 00:17:27,375
Ooh, baby!
282
00:17:27,375 --> 00:17:29,815
SOUL/DISCO MUSIC PLAYS
283
00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:32,575
Strawberry sunrise.
284
00:17:34,015 --> 00:17:36,855
Ooh, slide my horn, baby.
285
00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:38,655
Grab my cone.
286
00:17:40,015 --> 00:17:41,935
Oh, baby.
287
00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:44,655
It's getting hot in here, baby.
288
00:17:44,655 --> 00:17:47,855
Time's right, baby.
289
00:17:47,855 --> 00:17:49,855
Oh, baby.
290
00:17:49,855 --> 00:17:52,175
Lick my cream, baby.
291
00:17:52,175 --> 00:17:54,655
Ooh, yes.
292
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:59,255
Lemon sorbet, baby.
293
00:17:59,255 --> 00:18:03,495
That's enough, Arnold 5, stop trying
to sexualise ice-cream in song form.
294
00:18:03,495 --> 00:18:07,495
I quite liked it, I thought the
lyrical content was very poignant.
295
00:18:07,495 --> 00:18:09,575
Oh, Ice-Cream Eyes!
296
00:18:17,575 --> 00:18:21,015
'Hello, Fantasy Man,
how are you today?'
297
00:18:21,015 --> 00:18:23,015
I'm good, thank you.
298
00:18:23,015 --> 00:18:25,935
'What an amazing voice you have,
Fantasy Man,
299
00:18:25,935 --> 00:18:29,535
'like electricity
ricocheting off the surfaces.'
300
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,255
Why, thank you.
301
00:18:32,255 --> 00:18:36,935
I use vibrato voice modulation
like Ferry would.
302
00:18:36,935 --> 00:18:40,575
Ferry Wood?
Who on earth is Ferry Wood?
303
00:18:40,575 --> 00:18:44,055
No, like Brian Ferry... would.
304
00:18:45,095 --> 00:18:49,655
'Oh, I see. You look like you're
in an awful rush, Fantasy Man,
305
00:18:49,655 --> 00:18:53,015
'are you off on one
of your funny little adventures?'
306
00:18:53,015 --> 00:18:56,015
Affirmative.
I'm in search of the Dream Tiger.
307
00:18:56,015 --> 00:18:57,495
'The who?'
308
00:18:57,495 --> 00:18:59,135
The Dream Tiger.
309
00:18:59,135 --> 00:19:00,215
'The who?'
310
00:19:00,215 --> 00:19:02,295
The Dream Tiger.
311
00:19:02,295 --> 00:19:05,735
'Why are you looking for
the Dream Tiger, Fantasy Man?'
312
00:19:05,735 --> 00:19:10,135
Well, if I can find him, I can
push his whiskers into his bonce,
313
00:19:10,135 --> 00:19:15,655
making bubbles appear from his anus,
bubbles containing magic liquid.
314
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:19,415
'Good idea, Fantasy Man.
Well, off you go then.'
315
00:19:25,855 --> 00:19:29,015
Look, Arnold 5, can it be?
316
00:19:29,015 --> 00:19:30,455
Should it be?
317
00:19:30,455 --> 00:19:31,895
Chilling yonder,
318
00:19:31,895 --> 00:19:36,055
floating in the air like some
kind of fluffy diagonal puss-puss.
319
00:19:36,055 --> 00:19:37,855
The Dream Tiger.
320
00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:44,255
Let's grab him by the face, put him
in a bag and be on our merry way.
321
00:19:57,415 --> 00:19:58,575
Oi, mate.
322
00:19:58,575 --> 00:20:02,295
Hey, man, that's a liberty,
what's that shit on your face?
323
00:20:02,295 --> 00:20:03,895
I am Fantasy Man.
324
00:20:03,895 --> 00:20:06,655
Listen, Fantasy Man,
that's my sister's cat, yeah?
325
00:20:06,655 --> 00:20:09,215
You put it in a bag,
that's well cruel.
326
00:20:09,215 --> 00:20:11,455
You have to give that back to me
or I'll bust you up.
327
00:20:11,455 --> 00:20:13,655
Yes. Could I just stop you there
and say,
328
00:20:13,655 --> 00:20:15,775
? Little Jimmy goes fishing
in the morning
329
00:20:15,775 --> 00:20:18,455
? Little Trisha does the cooking
in the evening
330
00:20:18,455 --> 00:20:21,855
? Little Tony does neither
of these activities
331
00:20:21,855 --> 00:20:23,415
? We love him just the same
332
00:20:23,415 --> 00:20:26,215
? Even though he's got a wheel
where his foot should be ?
333
00:20:28,415 --> 00:20:31,695
Yeah, that's a great song,
but my sister's cat's in a bag.
334
00:20:31,695 --> 00:20:36,295
This is not your sister's cat,
this is in fact the Dream Tiger.
335
00:20:36,295 --> 00:20:39,295
No, man, you've gone too far.
I'm going to bust you up, yeah?
336
00:20:39,295 --> 00:20:41,375
I'm going to give you
bing-bong time.
337
00:20:42,855 --> 00:20:44,575
Oooh! No!
338
00:20:44,575 --> 00:20:45,935
Please!
339
00:20:45,935 --> 00:20:47,935
Pain!
340
00:20:47,935 --> 00:20:51,575
Working class digits
destroying my noble good looks.
341
00:20:56,095 --> 00:20:58,015
Well, if you put it like that,
342
00:20:58,015 --> 00:21:02,935
I could always go and search for
the Nightmare Puma instead.
343
00:21:02,935 --> 00:21:06,735
Although I was quite a keen pugilist
in my college years.
344
00:21:06,735 --> 00:21:08,735
Come on, let's see what you've got.
345
00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:10,135
Ooh!
346
00:21:12,735 --> 00:21:13,735
Gold prick.
347
00:21:13,735 --> 00:21:17,775
'Hello, Fantasy Man, how did
your quest for the Dream Tiger go?'
348
00:21:17,775 --> 00:21:20,255
It was terrible,
I had some problems.
349
00:21:20,255 --> 00:21:22,735
'Oh, well, better luck next time.'
350
00:21:22,735 --> 00:21:24,295
I think I need help.
351
00:21:24,295 --> 00:21:26,495
'Yeah, see you next time,
Fantasy Man.'
352
00:21:26,495 --> 00:21:28,175
No, I'm pissing blood.
353
00:21:28,175 --> 00:21:33,535
'Fantasy Man, now available on audio
book, read by Ronnie O'Sullivan.'
354
00:21:35,015 --> 00:21:39,775
What a charming story!
Thanks, Fantasy Man.
355
00:21:39,775 --> 00:21:42,935
What are you doing, chopping
Fantasy Man's book in half?!
356
00:21:42,935 --> 00:21:44,855
Thought you were at judo, anyway.
357
00:21:44,855 --> 00:21:46,135
We switched to karate.
358
00:21:46,135 --> 00:21:47,655
Switched to karate, why?
359
00:21:47,655 --> 00:21:50,015
Judo was all too close.
360
00:21:50,015 --> 00:21:51,255
Where is Dolly, anyway?
361
00:21:51,255 --> 00:21:52,615
She's outside practising.
362
00:21:59,295 --> 00:22:01,655
? EDDIE COCHRAN: Summertime Blues
363
00:22:01,655 --> 00:22:03,735
? Well, I'm a gonna raise a fuss
364
00:22:03,735 --> 00:22:05,375
? I'm a gonna raise a holler
365
00:22:07,775 --> 00:22:12,175
? About a working all summer
just to try to earn a dollar
366
00:22:14,655 --> 00:22:17,575
? Well, time I called my baby,
try to get a date
367
00:22:17,575 --> 00:22:18,495
? My boss says...
368
00:22:18,495 --> 00:22:21,015
? No dice, son, you gotta work late
369
00:22:21,015 --> 00:22:23,855
? Sometimes I wonder
what I'm a gonna do
370
00:22:23,855 --> 00:22:27,855
? But there ain't no cure
for the summertime blues
371
00:22:34,935 --> 00:22:38,935
? Oh, well, my mom and poppa told me
"Son, you gotta make some money"
372
00:22:41,375 --> 00:22:46,055
? "If you wanna use the car
to go ridin' next Sunday"
373
00:22:47,295 --> 00:22:50,855
? Well, I didn't go to work
Told the boss I was sick
374
00:22:50,855 --> 00:22:53,935
? Well, you can't use the car
cos you didn't work a lick
375
00:22:53,935 --> 00:22:57,295
? Sometimes I wonder
what I'm a gonna do
376
00:22:57,295 --> 00:22:58,735
? But there ain't no cure...
377
00:22:58,735 --> 00:23:00,935
? For the summertime blues ?
378
00:23:02,935 --> 00:23:04,495
'I been to college.'
379
00:23:04,545 --> 00:23:09,095
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