Original subtitles

Hi. This is Martin Rogers, my estate agent. We do everything together.

We wrote this show together, we go on cycling trips together,

we bought these Mark Knopfler head bands together off Mark Knopfler -

he was having a garage sale. What a Tuesday that was.

You touched me.

What? When?

In the night times.

He's joking. Enjoy the show.

Why would you say that?

My mum watches this show. This is going on telly, it's not a joke.

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

? Luxury comedy

? La la la la-la-la

? Get me running round and I open the door

? La la la la-la-la

? Get me in the night We'll be looking up above

? Ooh, yeah

? Ooh, yeah Put him in the bag. ?

JUNGLE CREATURES CALLING

(IMITATES LASERS BLARING)

(IMITATES HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)

(IMITATES GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS)

(ANIMALISTIC THROBBING)

(LAUGHS)

MUSICAL PHONE RINGTONE

Sorry, it's my landlord, I've got to take this.

Hey, Peter, how's it going?

All right, Noel?

Sorry about the rent, I'll get Smooth to put that in on Monday.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

I wanted to talk to you about the rent, actually,

you don't think it's a bit high, do you?

What do you mean?

Well, I live in an open-planned hut,

perched in a tree in the middle of a red-and-blue jungle.

I appreciate that, but it's an up-and-coming area, know what I mean?

Is it? Really?

Well, of course it is, they're putting a tube line in,

putting two tube lines in. Actually, I've got a pamphlet,

they're putting in nine tube lines.

So really you owe me money.

I've got my own game show on cable telly.

No way! That's massive. What channel's it on?

Channel Boom Boom.

Yeah, I don't think I get that channel, Peter.

You don't need to get it, you're on the show right now.

That's why I'm ringing. You're on it live.

What? Really?

Yeah. Actually, you've won a prize.

Yes! What have I won?

Now, you can either have a banana,

a speedboat or a speedboat made from a banana.

Which one of those things appeals to you the most?

Definitely the speedboat.

I've always imagined myself cruising around Miami, solving crimes.

I know you've always fantasised about being on a speedboat.

In fact, what you didn't know, and what I didn't know,

is we've recreated that fantasy for you now for the viewers at home.

You're watching Channel Boom Boom,

and this is Noel's speedboat fantasy.

So listen, I was thinking maybe we could pop by the beach house

and grab some lobster and cava, what do you reckon?

Cos that's what we do, we go to the beach house.

Lobster it is!

Woo-hoo!

(LAUGHS) Anyway, right, let's see what you would have won, yeah,

the banana, the speedboat or the speedboat made of bananas.

You're watching Channel Boom Boom, I'm Secret Peter,

and this idiot wants a speedboat.

Can you move the autocue? I can't fucking read it.

Why is it so far away?

Where's that small bloke who pushes it closer?

And why is he... He's winding it too fast, it's like a blur.

Does he know I've got brain damage?

Unbelievable. Right, do that again.

Let the spinning beginning.

Oh, the speedboat made of bananas, that's the worst prize there is.

I don't even think you can win the speedboat.

What is Channel Boom Boom, anyway?

Can you show some respect? Of course you can win a speedboat.

Yeah, all right. Sorry, Peter. Maybe next time, eh?

Yeah, maybe next time.

All right, I'll see you later.

I beat my wife.

What?

I beat my wife.

You're not even married.

Of course I'm married. Peanut Jenkins, innit?

That's not your wife. It's a peanut you found in one of your neck rolls.

You're my life partner.

Oh, she's gone in half. Two wives, boom, for real.

I was a goalie, I got brain damage.

What the hell are you doing here?

Hey, do you fancy hitting the beach house?

I hate the beach house. You're obsessed with the beach house.

Your loss.

Right, I'll fly solo, then. Ring, ring, ring, ring.

Hi, yeah, is that the beach house?

Yeah, I called earlier to book a table for two, by the window, yeah?

What a glorious day, Joey.

We don't often have days like this in Scotland,

but when we do, we have the best beaches in the world.

What's wrong, Joey? Too shy to get into your bathing costume?

Oh, don't worry, Joey, we've all got different bodies,

and that's the beauty of it.

You've got a short body with long legs

and I've got a long body with short legs.

But we're both beautiful in our own way.

Go behind the wind breaker and get changed.

I promise you'll feel better

once you're into your bathing suit like everyone else.

Oh, Joey, you seem to be wearing your mother's swimming costume,

and what's this?

It's your mother wearing your sports trunks with her breasts all exposed.

Oh dear, better get in the ocean quick before you're both arrested.

What an hilarious mix-up.

Oh, Joey Ramone.

Oh, Joey Ramone's mother.

It's a funny old world.

PHONE RINGS

There's a phone call for you on line one.

Hmm? Phone call on line one.

Not Secret Peter again, is it? He's doing my head in.

I don't know, but it's important.

It's crazy round here this morning, isn't it?

It's like Piccadilly Circus. I've got stuff to do. I'm a busy man.

What stuff?

A lot of stuff.

I've never seen you do anything.

Yeah, that's because I'm like a swan.

Above the surface, nothing, underneath, swan legs.

Boo-boo-dip, boo-boo-dip, boo-boo-dip...

Swan legs.

All right!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God!

What, have you made a cake in the shape of our own phone?

Yeah.

How long did that take?

Three hours.

Three hours?! You should have waited

until there were more people here,

cos there's only me and you, and I hated it.

I can't be the only one who gets done, we've got to get someone else.

Go and make another one.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to do more stuff with my swan legs,

with my powerful, feathered swan legs.

Boo-boo-dip, boo-boo-dip...

Last year I accidentally called my four-year-old niece a dickhead.

Now I've been banned from Christmas,

the only time I ever get to see people I'm related to.

I just want to be around the other circles!

Please,

lift the ban for Uncle Roy.

He won't do it again.

I'll make it up to her!

I'll buy her some more earrings, the dickhead.

No, done it again.

He's coming, he's coming. do it now, now, now.

Andy, there's a phone call for you.

A phone call for me?

Yeah, it's overseas, it might be Lou Reed.

Ah, Lou Reed!

Hello, Lou. Oh, what is happening?

Oh, the phone.

(LAUGHS) Smooth made a cake in the shape of our phone.

I do not understand.

I think maybe your English humour is wasted on me.

But thank you for the experience, I will always remember it.

Anyway, I must get on with some chores now.

Smooth, can you pass me the iron?

(LAUGHS)

Ha-ha, ha, ha.

Ha-ha, ha, ha.

Ha-ha, ha, ha.

Ha-ha, ha, ha.

Your laughter's a bit weird, isn't it?

Yes, individual laughter sheets,

joined together like theatre tickets or sausages.

Often, if I'm working with a band that I don't really know,

there's a tension in the studio at first,

and as an ice-breaker, what I've learnt to do, it's a little trick,

I did it with Bon Jovi actually, is, if I can feel that tension,

and I think that, you know, we need a laugh, we need a gag,

what I do is I quietly go up to the lead singer

and put my finger in his anus.

Did that with Bon Jovi

and kept it there while he sang the whole of Living On A Prayer.

The only problem was he became attached to it

and felt he couldn't get a good vocal take

if my finger wasn't in his anus.

So it became a little tricky, you know, to work the mixing desk

and have a finger in Bon Jovi's anus,

but you do what you've got to do.

SLURPING

BOTH SPEAK A STRANGE LANGUAGE

BOING

SMASH

SIREN

BLEEPING

CRASH

Oh!

HONKING

BOTH MAKE LUSTFUL EXPRESSIONS

FOOTBALL CROWD CHEERS

ROMANTIC SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS

HISSING

FOOTBALL CROWD CHEERS

ROCKET WHIRS

? Ooh, yeah. ?

This nation used to lead the world in theatre.

We had some of the finest dramatic writers ever to hold quill.

I'm thinking of Shakespeare, Ben Jonson,

right up until George Bernard Shaw, though many dismiss him

as a polemicist, I'd point them to Pygmalion.

But past the stage of Ibsen, when he moved it into the drawing room

and really shook things up -

and you'd probably have to put Chekov into that arena as well -

we've been floundering about.

I've no time for John Osborne, I think he's a very samey writer

who's often banging the same drum.

And I really feel that a large portion of this blame

has to be shouldered by Ice-Cream Eyes.

It couldn't have been me,

I was trying to work out why it was only raining in one puddle.

Oh, Ice-Cream Eyes.

I mean, I absolutely loved working with Gram Parsons,

Gram was an absolute joy. He was...

Do you mind?

Could you do that later, please? I'm doing an interview.

I've been to college.

What?

I've been to college.

We've all been to college. What's that got to do with it?

Paul said.

I don't care what Paul said, Paul's a sound engineer who I hire,

this is my studio.

Paul said.

I'm doing an interview, just come back later, thank you.

Arsehole.

We're off to judo.

Oh great, have a good time.

What's wrong with you?

I'm bored, aren't I? I'm bored.

Then do some drawings, Noel!

I've done loads of drawing today, I did a cactus and a woman's face.

Do something constructive like your tax returns.

"Like my tax returns"! Are you serious?

Who are you, Donald Trump?

Can't I just come to judo with you?

You don't have the outfit, Noel,

and you have to be recommended by somebody in the class.

Who recommended you?

Smooth.

Who recommended you?

Dolly.

Ah! Unbelievable.

Why not ask Fantasy Man for a story?

I do... That's a good idea actually, that's one of your best ideas.

All right, see you later.

See?

Fantasy Man?

Who goes there?

It's me, Noel.

What can I help you with, young squire?

Tell me one of your stories.

You know, about your fantastical quests, I love those little stories.

As you know, I have been on many exciting quests and adventures

and I'd love to tell you a story. Unfortunately, I'm rather busy.

Really, doing what?

Protecting you from the black-winged harbingers of doom.

The who?

The evil crumb stealers.

What, the birds?

Call them what you will, I know their true purpose.

Yeah, good luck with that.

If you really need a story, help yourself to my autobiography.

There's a few juicy morsels in there, I can tell you.

It was actually number 44 in The Guardian best-seller list.

Ooh, baby!

SOUL/DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

Strawberry sunrise.

Ooh, slide my horn, baby.

Grab my cone.

Oh, baby.

It's getting hot in here, baby.

Time's right, baby.

Oh, baby.

Lick my cream, baby.

Ooh, yes.

Lemon sorbet, baby.

That's enough, Arnold 5, stop trying to sexualise ice-cream in song form.

I quite liked it, I thought the lyrical content was very poignant.

Oh, Ice-Cream Eyes!

'Hello, Fantasy Man, how are you today?'

I'm good, thank you.

'What an amazing voice you have, Fantasy Man,

'like electricity ricocheting off the surfaces.'

Why, thank you.

I use vibrato voice modulation like Ferry would.

Ferry Wood? Who on earth is Ferry Wood?

No, like Brian Ferry... would.

'Oh, I see. You look like you're in an awful rush, Fantasy Man,

'are you off on one of your funny little adventures?'

Affirmative. I'm in search of the Dream Tiger.

'The who?'

The Dream Tiger.

'The who?'

The Dream Tiger.

'Why are you looking for the Dream Tiger, Fantasy Man?'

Well, if I can find him, I can push his whiskers into his bonce,

making bubbles appear from his anus, bubbles containing magic liquid.

'Good idea, Fantasy Man. Well, off you go then.'

Look, Arnold 5, can it be?

Should it be?

Chilling yonder,

floating in the air like some kind of fluffy diagonal puss-puss.

The Dream Tiger.

Let's grab him by the face, put him in a bag and be on our merry way.

Oi, mate.

Hey, man, that's a liberty, what's that shit on your face?

I am Fantasy Man.

Listen, Fantasy Man, that's my sister's cat, yeah?

You put it in a bag, that's well cruel.

You have to give that back to me or I'll bust you up.

Yes. Could I just stop you there and say,

? Little Jimmy goes fishing in the morning

? Little Trisha does the cooking in the evening

? Little Tony does neither of these activities

? We love him just the same

? Even though he's got a wheel where his foot should be ?

Yeah, that's a great song, but my sister's cat's in a bag.

This is not your sister's cat, this is in fact the Dream Tiger.

No, man, you've gone too far. I'm going to bust you up, yeah?

I'm going to give you bing-bong time.

Oooh! No!

Please!

Pain!

Working class digits destroying my noble good looks.

Well, if you put it like that,

I could always go and search for the Nightmare Puma instead.

Although I was quite a keen pugilist in my college years.

Come on, let's see what you've got.

Ooh!

Gold prick.

'Hello, Fantasy Man, how did your quest for the Dream Tiger go?'

It was terrible, I had some problems.

'Oh, well, better luck next time.'

I think I need help.

'Yeah, see you next time, Fantasy Man.'

No, I'm pissing blood.

'Fantasy Man, now available on audio book, read by Ronnie O'Sullivan.'

What a charming story! Thanks, Fantasy Man.

What are you doing, chopping Fantasy Man's book in half?!

Thought you were at judo, anyway.

We switched to karate.

Switched to karate, why?

Judo was all too close.

Where is Dolly, anyway?

She's outside practising.

? EDDIE COCHRAN: Summertime Blues

? Well, I'm a gonna raise a fuss

? I'm a gonna raise a holler

? About a working all summer just to try to earn a dollar

? Well, time I called my baby, try to get a date

? My boss says...

? No dice, son, you gotta work late

? Sometimes I wonder what I'm a gonna do

? But there ain't no cure for the summertime blues

? Oh, well, my mom and poppa told me "Son, you gotta make some money"

? "If you wanna use the car to go ridin' next Sunday"

? Well, I didn't go to work Told the boss I was sick

? Well, you can't use the car cos you didn't work a lick

? Sometimes I wonder what I'm a gonna do

? But there ain't no cure...

? For the summertime blues ?

'I been to college.'

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