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1
00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:10,880
SPANISH SERENADE PLAYS
2
00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:24,880
MUSIC STOPS
3
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:35,160
FAST-PACED FLAMENCO PLAYS
4
00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:56,680
? Luxury comedy
5
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,680
? La la la-la-la-la la
6
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,520
? People running round
and people making love
7
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:17,280
? La la la-la-la-la la
8
00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:19,960
? People under there
and people up above
9
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,000
? Ooh, yeah
10
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,080
? Ooh, yeah
Put him in the bag. ?
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(TUTS)
12
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,920
It's that mountain -
he's tutting again.
13
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:42,720
(TUTS)
14
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:43,840
Oh, what's his problem?!
15
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,680
He just sits there,
tutting through the whole show.
16
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,200
Some of the show's not my cup of tea,
I don't tut all the way through it!
17
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,240
What do you mean
it's not your cup of tea?!
18
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:52,760
You're in it, you fraggle!
19
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:54,600
You should go
and have it out with him.
20
00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,600
I mean, if you don't
like something, yeah,
21
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,000
just get up and leave.
22
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,000
Don't sit there
tutting all the time.
23
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,280
Well, he can't move. He's a mountain.
He's fixed to the ground.
24
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:03,960
I'm going to have a word with him.
25
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:04,440
Go on, then.
26
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,480
I'm going to!
I feel a bit weak, though.
27
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,400
I'll go in a bit,
have a cup of tea first.
28
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:09,680
I mean, my arms feel weird.
29
00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:12,160
One of them feels long
and the other's all loose.
30
00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:15,720
I need a cup of tea, really. Can
you get me tea and some biscuits?
31
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,000
You know the ones I like -
32
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,840
ones with stick figures
playing sports. Can I have them?
33
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,280
Please?
They're little oblong people.
34
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:24,760
The sports oblong people,
can I have some?
35
00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:25,720
We've run out.
36
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,880
We ran out?!
You went to the shop an hour ago.
37
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:28,960
You're supposed to be my butler!
38
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,560
I forgot! I had a lot on my mind!
39
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:32,680
That's the only thing on the list!
40
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,280
(SIGHS)
41
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:35,280
(TUTS)
42
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,920
Oh, no.
43
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:55,840
A huge knife has
cut off both your legs, Joey.
44
00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,600
What will you do now?
45
00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,240
Grow them back
like a wee lizard can its tail?
46
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,600
Perhaps your good friend,
Dee Dee Ramone,
47
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,560
can push you around on a skateboard.
48
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:13,480
Oh, look, Colin Montgomerie
is using your left leg
49
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,720
as a human putter
to win the Masters.
50
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:17,600
APPLAUSE
51
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:20,200
Who'd have thought it -
52
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:24,080
your discarded leg achieving more
success than the rest of your body?
53
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,440
But as we both know,
you can't measure success
54
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,680
by the number of golf tournaments
you've won, can you, Joey?
55
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,200
Poor Joey Ramone.
56
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,440
Poor Colin Montgomerie,
57
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,760
naked from the waist up.
58
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,720
Proud, defiant,
and definitely Scottish.
59
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:49,160
(TUTS RAPIDLY)
60
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:53,080
(SIGHS) I've had enough of
that mountain - he's tutting again.
61
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:53,840
What are you going to do?
62
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,080
I'll teach him a lesson.
63
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:58,080
I'm going to give him the
"hot teaspoon on the cheek" routine.
64
00:03:58,080 --> 00:03:59,120
Tssch!
65
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:00,320
Yeah, that'll show him(!)
66
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:01,400
Yeah, it will show him.
67
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:08,360
Got a problem, have you, eh?
Tutting at everyone?
68
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:11,480
Think you're special, Mr Mountain?
Think you're a king, do you?
69
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,160
Yeah? Well, check this out.
70
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:14,160
SIZZLING
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00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:15,520
(LAUGHS) All right?
72
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:18,720
THEY ALL TUT
73
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,000
What was that?
74
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,840
No, didn't think you'd say anything.
75
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,320
Not so cocky now, are you?
76
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,040
Now you've had the
"hot teaspoon on the cheek" routine.
77
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:27,080
Prick!
78
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,280
What? Nothing.
79
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:30,400
Prick.
80
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,440
(LAUGHS) See me go?
81
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,520
He won't tut as us again,
I tell you that.
82
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,480
How'd you get there so quick?
It's miles away.
83
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,000
That's how TV works -
you can cut to anything.
84
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,120
Really? Yeah.
85
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:43,640
I call it "travelling
by television." Let me show you.
86
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,040
Right. Scene one.
87
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,840
"Smooth asks how
travelling by television works."
88
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,960
I'll leave that there.
That's it, finished. Scene two.
89
00:04:55,960 --> 00:05:01,520
"Smooth sits on a large mushroom,
deciding which frying pan to buy."
90
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,720
This one's slightly bigger,
91
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,720
but the handle on this one
looks like it might last longer.
92
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:10,400
Scene three.
93
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,520
"Smooth arrives back at the desk
with his new frying pan."
94
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,920
(CHUCKLES)
Which one'd you go for in the end?
95
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:17,640
The one with the stronger handle.
96
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,280
Nice choice.
97
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,600
BELL RINGS
98
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:27,120
Because it's been four years
since my wife died,
99
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:32,000
a few of my army chums got together
and hired me a prostitute.
100
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,960
I couldn't really manage anything.
101
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,400
All I could muster up was a cuddle.
102
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,120
Towards the end of the session,
103
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:44,400
I found myself showing her
my wedding photographs.
104
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,040
(SOBS) She looked
very disinterested.
105
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,600
It was that disinterest
that brought me to climax.
106
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:52,600
Job done.
107
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,880
OK, scene one. "Noel and Dolly
sit at the desk." Yeah?
108
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:57,920
OK.
109
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:01,440
Right, scene two can be absolutely
anything you want. Hit me.
110
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:02,200
Er, me in puffball.
111
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,240
What?
112
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:04,360
You in a puffball?
113
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:05,360
Yeah, a puffball skirt.
114
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:06,880
What's a puffball skirt?!
115
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:09,440
It's a padded skirt that
goes round at the hem, like that.
116
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,040
Couldn't you get one at a shop?
117
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,120
Well, you said I could have anything
I liked, and...
118
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:14,520
All right!
119
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,360
"Dolly in a puffball."
120
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:17,320
Right, where are you?
121
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:18,480
I'm on a lake.
122
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:21,240
That's better. You're getting
into it. "On a lake."
123
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:21,760
Yeah? What are you doing?
124
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:23,520
I'm in a pedalo or boat,
I don't mind.
125
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,160
I'll put "pedalo/boat."
126
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:25,680
Perfect.
127
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,800
That sounds beautiful.
Am I with you?
128
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:30,840
No, no. I'm on my own with
two 18-year-old boys in white linen.
129
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,280
You sure you don't want to make
that stone-washed denim?
130
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:34,560
No, white linen.
131
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,440
OK, keep it perverted but clean.
132
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:37,920
Noel, Noel, Noel.
133
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:41,400
Smooth said you can use the power of
television to get free frying pans.
134
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,600
I want one!
135
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,480
All right, calm down. I can do that,
136
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:45,760
but the thing is, Andy -
137
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,720
this goes for you, too,
Puffball Annie -
138
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:49,200
nothing's really for free.
139
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,120
No, it's true. Somewhere
down the line, someone has to pay.
140
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,720
You think in history
of all the endless guest lists
141
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,600
and blaggers and people
who steal stationery from work.
142
00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:01,280
I myself have got a hefty
Post-it note collection.
143
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,600
Yeah, you buy one, you get one free.
144
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,000
Basically, all the stuff
people get for free,
145
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:06,840
someone has to pay for that.
146
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:07,880
But who?
147
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,560
Jeremy Beautiful Chest.
148
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,640
Look at him
down there in that paddock.
149
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:12,640
What an idiot.
150
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:28,160
? Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man,
Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man
151
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:31,840
? FANTASY MAN, FANTASY MAN,
FANTASY MAN, FANTASY MAN. ?
152
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,760
This week's special guest,
my sidekick...
153
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:38,840
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.
154
00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:42,720
? Yes, but mainly
Fantasy Maaaaannn. ?
155
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,720
Hello, Fantasy Man.
How are you today?
156
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,640
I'm good, thank you. I'm off on
one of my little adventures.
157
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:56,720
You're always going on some fucking
quest, aren't you, Fantasy Man?
158
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,880
Who's this
you've got with you today?
159
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,440
This is
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.
160
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,000
Who, Fantasy Man?
161
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,720
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.
162
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,080
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway?
163
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,000
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.
164
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,040
Please don't make me
repeat it again.
165
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:13,440
What's the point of him?
166
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,520
I can see into the future.
167
00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:17,400
Oh, really?
168
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,520
Yes, but unfortunately
only 15 minutes into the future.
169
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:23,760
Oh, dear, Fantasy Man.
That doesn't sound like much use.
170
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,120
I'm fully aware of that.
171
00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,200
I usually use his brother,
Patrick Duffy.
172
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,280
He can see up to
three days into the future
173
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,520
But unfortunately,
he's got the shits.
174
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,160
TYPING
175
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:35,760
Hello?
176
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,840
Oh, sorry, Fantasy Man.
I was just checking my e-mails.
177
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:41,840
You've not asked me where I'm going,
what quest I'm on.
178
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,920
That's your only function, you know.
179
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:45,320
Where are you going, Fantasy Man?
180
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:48,160
Well, a crack has
appeared in the Internet,
181
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,160
in between YouTube and YouPorn.
182
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,000
We must get there
and sew up the crack
183
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,160
before all manner of evil residue
comes out
184
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,840
and starts pumping and grinding
and splashing about.
185
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,400
I mean,
that's twice I've tried to open it.
186
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,160
I don't even have QuickTime.
I mean, what's...
187
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,120
Oh, yes. Goodbye, Fantasy Man.
188
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,880
Goodbye, Big Chief Woolabum.
189
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,040
Bye!
190
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,520
Oh, no.
191
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:23,200
What is it, my good friend
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway?
192
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,480
It is the Bobatron.
193
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:28,640
Oh, the Bobatron, the schizophrenic
flag, and a tricky customer.
194
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:32,480
You'll have to let me deal with him.
You're on far too much Special K.
195
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,120
Hiya. How you doing?
196
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,120
In order to cross this bridge,
you must first solve a riddle.
197
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,360
But I want to first say,
198
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,760
you'll find me quite an easy-going,
happy-go-lucky kind of guy.
199
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,280
But I can turn.
200
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,560
I've got a bit of a dark side,
you see.
201
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:50,080
I MEAN, I CAN GET
REALLY FUCKING ANGRY!
202
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:54,160
I mean, say for example I'm at home,
watching a film, having a few beers,
203
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,360
and the wife comes in
and asks me to take the rubbish out.
204
00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,920
I MEAN, CAN'T SHE WAIT
UNTIL THE END OF THE FILM?!
205
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,760
TEN MINUTES ISN'T GOING TO MAKE
ANY DIFFERENCE AT ALL!
206
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,760
I MEAN, JESUS CHRIST,
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A WIFE!
207
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:08,200
That kind of thing.
Do you know what I mean?
208
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,960
I mean, I'm out on the lake,
fishing with the guys,
209
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,520
and I get a call from the boss.
210
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,360
Can I come into the office?
211
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:17,840
They've only gone and, well,
lost the Deacon file, haven't they?
212
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:21,320
AM I THE ONLY ONE
THAT CAN DEAL WITH THE DEACON FILE?!
213
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:22,760
I MEAN, IT'S SATURDAY!
214
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,640
NO-ONE WORKS ON SATURDAYS!
215
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,760
That kind of thing.
Do you know what I mean?
216
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,320
We get the picture, thank you.
217
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,760
Could we have the riddle?
We're pressed for time.
218
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,080
Ah, sorry! Yeah, sure.
219
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:34,840
If it takes a year to drink a horse,
220
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,680
how long does a Spanish priest
have to cry for
221
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:41,280
when rolling up a hill
against a north-facing breeze?
222
00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:45,040
Bearing in mind, yeah,
that it's winter and dark
223
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,920
and the priest is covered in
ball bearings and his own shit.
224
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,000
Er, can I phone a friend?
225
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,120
What's that?
226
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:58,000
You said you wanted to
phone a friend?
227
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,040
You want to phone
one of your little friends?
228
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,000
OF COURSE YOU CAN'T
PHONE A FRIEND, YOU MORON!
229
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,240
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
YOU CAN PHONE A FRIEND?!
230
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,120
AH, YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU IDIOT!
231
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:12,320
LOOK AT YOU, YOU PAIR OF TITS
AND YOUR STUPID LITTLE UNIFORMS,
232
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,680
COMING TO MY FUCKING BRIDGE!
233
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,000
What are you doing?!
Put me down!
234
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,480
Put me doooown!
235
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,200
Oh, fuck! I was going to go out
tonight, but I can't now, can I?
236
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,680
I'm wet through!
237
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:25,560
But in some ways, this isn't so bad.
238
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,120
I mean, the river takes me
more or less straight home
239
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,560
and the traffic at this time
of night can be such a nightmare.
240
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:34,560
Especially on the B43 -
it's always jammed up.
241
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:37,920
Look, it is the crack.
242
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:39,840
ELECTRICAL CRACKLING
243
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:43,040
Quick, Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway,
bring out the Golden Needle
244
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,040
and sew up the crack before all
manner of evil residue comes out,
245
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,760
starts strangling
and throttling all the children.
246
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,440
Golden Needle, how long do you think
it will take to sew up the crack?
247
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,560
Er, looking at it, 15 minutes, tops.
248
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,200
I hope that's long enough.
249
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,040
I can check it if you want to.
250
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:03,120
Of course you can, your special
skill - looking into the future.
251
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,120
Go ahead, Big Chief,
do your magic thing.
252
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:09,600
(SNIFFS)
253
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,080
Ugh...
254
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,000
The next 15 minutes will be fine.
255
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,080
Is it entirely necessary
to do poppers
256
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:19,480
every time you look into the future?
257
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,400
Yeeeeessss.
258
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:22,480
For goodness' sake,
259
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:25,280
fire the Golden Needle into
the crack, please, and seal it?
260
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:36,680
Oh, for goodness' sake, Needle,
261
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,840
I thought you said it
would take 15 minutes!
262
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,560
I'm going as fast as I can,
you dick!
263
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,360
Some of this needs double stitching!
264
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:47,360
I still have one last trick
left up my fantasy sleeves.
265
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,600
Oohhh...
266
00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:02,520
(SCREAMS)
267
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:16,840
Oh, no...
268
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,320
Oh, it is the Bobatron.
269
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:23,080
We've had several phone calls that
you've been scaring the children,
270
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:26,120
firing arrows at them,
and mucking around.
271
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,400
Now, you'll find me
quite an easy-going,
272
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,600
happy-go-lucky
kind of police officer,
273
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:34,440
but if you start giving me
the run-around, I can turn.
274
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:37,040
For instance, if you come
to the station with me now,
275
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,440
we can sort out all this mess.
276
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:44,080
But if you start acting up,
and mucking around, then...
277
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:47,240
I GET REALLY FUCKING ANGRY!
278
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:50,160
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR,
YOU FUCKING RETARD?!
279
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,520
GET IN THE FUCKING VAN,
YOU FUCKING BUNCH OF PLUMS!
280
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,320
GO ON, GET IN THERE!
281
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:58,960
Hello, Fantasy Man.
282
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,520
Did you manage to seal up
the crack in the Internet?
283
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,640
No, we've had a bit of trouble.
In fact, we've been arrested.
284
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:04,840
Oh, dear.
285
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:07,120
I myself had a wonderful afternoon.
286
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,720
I went to Harrods.
My wife's quite rich, you know.
287
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,280
Toodle-oo.
288
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,680
Looks like our journey's at an end.
289
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,520
On the contrary, my friend.
290
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,480
It's only just begun.
291
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:35,360
? Ooh, yeah. ?
292
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:42,200
"Smooth enters the hut wearing
purple pants."
293
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:43,600
(LAUGHS)
294
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,680
Nice trunks!
295
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:47,080
What's with the hat?
296
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:48,960
Just an extra pair of eyes to have
about the place.
297
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,000
What for?
298
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,960
Let's just say it's time to keep
an eye on everyone.
299
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,000
What're you talking about?
300
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,440
You know.
301
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,160
Yesterday I bought three Fab lollies,
yeah?
302
00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:00,800
I had one in the queue,
I'm not an idiot, leaving me two.
303
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,520
This morning, when I checked
my little desk freezer,
304
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:06,080
there was only one left!
Explain that!
305
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,160
You had two, you dick.
You had one last night.
306
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,840
I did not have one last night!
Why would you say that!
307
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,080
The red stuff around your mouth
at bath time.
308
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,400
That was felt tip from the
colouring-in competition!
309
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:18,440
I came second. I got an award
from Nanny Porpoise!
310
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,960
How does it work, anyway?
311
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,720
I'll give you a demonstration.
312
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:25,400
You go out, I'll pretend to be
asleep. Try to steal my Fab lolly.
313
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,040
You're going to love this!
Blow your mind.
314
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,960
OK. You ready? I'm asleep.
315
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:39,080
WHIRRING
316
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:43,160
Huh? See? Amazing, yeah?
317
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:46,240
(LAUGHS) You getting that?
318
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,920
Ha-HA!
319
00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:50,880
But how does him waving about
let you know what's going on?
320
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,800
The wind, the air currents
going past your ears,
321
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:57,000
enlightening you to the fact that
another Fab lolly might be gone.
322
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,000
Where did you get
a hat like that anyway?
323
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,240
Andy Warhol made it.
324
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,280
Maybe he's the one
stealing your lollies.
325
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:04,600
I don't think it's going to be
Andy Warhol, is it?
326
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:07,080
He's gone to the trouble
of building me a security hat.
327
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,840
Why would he steal the lollies?
328
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:10,640
Seems like the perfect alibi to me.
329
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,240
ANDY WARHOL HUMS
330
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,520
Wait a minute! What's all that
red stuff around your mouth?
331
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:31,160
It's blood from a penguin's carcass
I was feasting on in the hallway.
332
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:33,000
Thank God for that!
333
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,680
I thought you were the one
stealing the lollies.
334
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:36,520
No!
335
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:37,400
Check this out.
336
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,720
"Smooth enters the hut wearing
leopard-skin pants."
337
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,440
(LAUGHS) Nice pants!
338
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:47,840
Ha! Big cat pants! Ha! Big cat
pants! Ha! Big cat pants!
339
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:51,360
Ha! Big cat pants! Ha!
Big cat pants!
340
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:52,920
Yeah, maybe go do some Hoovering?
341
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:54,480
Yes.
342
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:57,920
WESTERN MUSIC
343
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,400
CHOPPING CONTINUES
344
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,040
I mean, this whole business
with the hat is just stupid.
345
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,360
What if I want to get naked
sometimes?
346
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,000
Why would you get naked?
347
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:46,320
Because I'm spontaneous and free and
don't want some hat staring at me.
348
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:48,520
If you're so spontaneous and free,
349
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,920
why would you mind
if a hat was looking at you?
350
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:54,720
Because this one might be like some
massive 'par-fart' or something.
351
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:55,880
A what?!
352
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:57,040
A massive 'par-fart'.
353
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:57,920
Sorry, a what?
354
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:58,920
A 'par-fart'!
355
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,040
Not a pervert, is he?
356
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:03,280
He's a security hat just
getting on with his own business.
357
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,200
I know, but it's very likely
that he will fall in love with me.
358
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,640
I can see already.
Look at the way he's looking at me
359
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,760
and what if I fall a little
bit in love with him back?
360
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:14,880
What, we get married and...
Oh, for God's sake, it's all stupid!
361
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,640
There's other stuff to worry about
362
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,920
than your weird sexual fantasies
with a hat!
363
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,160
There's still a missing Fab
lolly to consider!
364
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,080
I bought three,
I ate one in the queue!
365
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,560
When I came down to my desk freezer
this morning, there's only one left!
366
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,840
Where's the other one gone?!
367
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:29,640
You had two, you dick!
368
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,640
No I didn't! Why would you say that?!
369
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,440
The red stuff around your mouth!
370
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,960
THAT WAS FELT TIP
FROM THE COLOURING-IN COMPETITION!
371
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,680
I WON AN AWARD FROM NANNY PORPOISE!
372
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:44,720
WHY WON'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME? (SOBS)
373
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,000
HAT WHIRS AROUND
374
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,600
(SOBS)
375
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,920
Stop going on about it.
376
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,880
The time elapsed
between Joyce's Ulysses
377
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,560
and Finnegan's Wake
is nearly 20 years.
378
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,840
Often, people would say to him,
"What's going on?"
379
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:11,240
And he would say, "I had a good day
today, I wrote a word."
380
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,440
Now, for me,
that's not really writing.
381
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,240
That's simply putting a word down.
382
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:21,720
And this kind of stasis,
this kind of collapse,
383
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:25,120
this kind of absolute obscurantism
384
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:30,000
really has mired art
for the last, I'd say 120 years.
385
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,080
No-one's got anything
to really contribute.
386
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:37,480
And this lack of confidence -
it's a crisis, really -
387
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:41,280
is probably, to my mind,
caused by Ice Cream Eyes.
388
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,280
How could that have been me?
389
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:46,160
I was watching Time Team
from the secrecy of an umbrella.
390
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:47,720
I blame Tony Coins.
391
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,160
I'm afraid you've got the wrong cat.
Couldn't have been me.
392
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,320
I was on an enormous spending spree.
393
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,600
If I had to blame someone,
it'd have to be Adam Printout.
394
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,520
That dick's always up to no good.
395
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,600
I don't think it was me.
396
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,920
Although I've no real alibi.
397
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,000
I was at home having weak tea
and a lemon slice.
398
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,000
If you really pushed me,
399
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:15,800
I'd probably say it was Eugene
Secret Note Passed Under The Door.
400
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,920
I got caught with Angel Delight
401
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,560
and going on the swings with Darren.
402
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:25,000
Push me, Darren!
Push me faster and faster!
403
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,760
Oh, my pockets are wet now.
404
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,160
My pockets are wet right through.
405
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,280
I got my momma's knickers on.
406
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,880
Oh, Eugene Secret Note
Passed Under The Door,
407
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,200
to think I almost blamed
Ice Cream Eyes.
408
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,880
Yeah, motherfucker.
409
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,680
Where's the hat?
410
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,320
Hmm? Where's the hat?
411
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:50,520
Oh, he had to go.
412
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:53,080
You know, his work was done here,
so he moved on.
413
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,800
That's what he does,
he moves on from town to town.
414
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:57,600
Bit like The Littlest Hobo.
415
00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,800
Oh.
416
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,080
Ah, you like the hat!
417
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,400
He had a certain charm, you know?
418
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,640
Oh, really?
419
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,480
I thought you thought
he was a pervert.
420
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:11,080
No, I was wrong. But now I'll never
know if he was a pervert or not,
421
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,280
because he's gone
and I won't see him again.
422
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:14,320
Maybe you will.
423
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:17,600
Maybe I can make that happen
with my little magic typewriter.
424
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:18,800
Really? Check this out.
425
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,640
"Dolly sits on a large mushroom.
Suddenly, the phone rings.
426
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,840
"Oh, I wonder who that is,
she thinks."
427
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,600
And who is it?
428
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,800
Well, it's the hat, isn't it,
obviously.
429
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,240
That's what this is about.
430
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,120
Thank you.
431
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:33,680
PHONE RINGS
432
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,080
Ma'am, you are looking mighty fine
today,
433
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:39,800
if you don't mind me saying so.
434
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,320
Oh, thank you.
You have such a strong brim.
435
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:45,680
Would you do me the honour
of accompanying me to the rodeo?
436
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,360
Oh, I'd love to.
437
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:49,760
But this is crazy.
I don't even know your name.
438
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:53,520
? They call me Sugar Bone Thompson
439
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:57,040
? And I'm going to the rodeo
440
00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:00,040
? Got a lady on my arm, ooh
441
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:03,480
? And I used to live in Hammersmith
442
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:06,440
? They call me Sugar Bone Thompson
I ain't lying
443
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:10,280
? And I used to be a cowboy
Still am one
444
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:13,800
? Riding on the hilltops
445
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:17,040
? Cos I'm a round-hatted
son of a bitch
446
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:20,320
? I'm a velvet-hatted
son of a bitch. ?
447
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:25,840
"I'm a round-hatted son of a bitch",
yee-ha!
448
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:26,880
Nice.
449
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:27,920
Tut.
450
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,280
Right, that's it.
I'm going to do both cheeks.
451
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:31,640
You're in trouble, mate.
452
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,920
? Tut, tut, tut
453
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:45,120
? Ba-la-da-dum
Bom, bom, bom
454
00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:49,640
(IMITATES TRUMPET)
455
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:53,320
? Ba-la-da-dum
Bom, bom, bom
456
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:57,440
? Ba-la-da-dum
Bom, ba da da dum. ?
457
00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,400
Oh, sorry, are you doing a song?
458
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,720
Sorry, I thought you were
tutting again.
459
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:03,520
Didn't realise it was a song.
460
00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,960
That's amazing, using tutting in
a creative way. I really like that.
461
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,560
Sorry about earlier.
I was a bit stressed out.
462
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,720
Smooth forgot to get me
some biscuits.
463
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:13,440
That's the only thing on the list.
464
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:16,000
You guys doing the tutting song,
that's amazing.
465
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,280
I think you'll go far.
Good luck with that.
466
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,600
I know a few A&R men.
I might send some your way.
467
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,720
Let me know
if you do any live gigs, yeah?
468
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:24,080
All right. Take care, yeah?
469
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:25,960
I love you.
470
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,200
Tut. Tut.
471
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:29,640
What a prick.
472
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:39,440
? Got to go now,
it's the end of the show
473
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:44,200
? Bye bye now,
it's the end of the show
474
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,560
? Come back next for another show
475
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,880
? You got to come back
for another show
476
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:50,000
? Bye bye
477
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:54,760
? Baby, bye bye
478
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:56,400
? Baby, bye bye... ?
479
00:23:56,450 --> 00:24:01,000
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