Original subtitles

? Luxury comedy

? Ooh yeah

? La la la-la-la-la la

? People running down, people making love

? La la la-la-la-la la

? People in the night, people up above

? Ooh yeah

? Luxury comedy

? Ooh yeah

'Come on, man!'

MUSIC: HEAVY DRUM INTRO

? Yeah, come on!

? I'm crawling up the road, I'm licking up the toad

? Got a Japanese dream boy living in my eyeball

? Crawling up the road, eating up the toad

? Licking up the road with the Japanese dream boy... ?

Who's this?

Lysergic Casserole.

Best band ever.

Never heard of them.

No-one ever has, that's the problem.

Made one blinding album in the '60s then disappeared. It all went wrong.

What do you mean?

Well, it was the '60s. A lot of drugs kicking around.

They took so much LSD they got trapped in their own guitar case.

Really?

Yeah! I've got it here, actually. I bought it on eBay.

Look, they're still in here!

I'm so hungry, man!

Can't we stop at Poppa Yod's old food cafe?

I really need a beanburger, man.

Are you out of your mind, Charlie?

That's my raison d'etre, man.

Poppa Yod's the reason we're in this mess in the first place, man.

Everyone knows he's using sheets of acid instead of cheese, man.

What'd you have to order double Swiss for, Charlie?

Oh God, Charlie, man, I can't feel my own hands!

I'm sorry, man!

(COYOTE HOWLS)

My shins are made of doo-wop music!

Look! There's Orson Welles!

Do you know what? I quite fancy a beanburger from Poppa Yod's.

Can you nip out and get me one?

It's in California.

If you can't be bothered, I'll have a sandwich.

What do you want in it?

Folk music.

And make sure it's toasted.

? ..Eyeball seesaw. ?

Lysergic Casserole. The '60s.

I remember I worked with Jim Morrison in the '60s

and he insisted that everyone he worked with had leather trousers on.

Obviously, I haven't got legs, so

he whipped out a sewing machine

and designed a large flat black leather pocket for me to sit in

and, um, I produced the albums from there.

Like a sort of Nazi kangaroo pouch.

? They call me Diamondback

? Yeah, they call me Diamondback

? My father was a pet shop junkie

? My mother had 100 eyes

? My mother had 100 eyes

(RATTLES)

? I crawled out of a swamp in Putney

? I'm my own percussion, that's my surprise (RATTLES)

? That's my surprise

(RATTLES)

? They call me Diamondback

? Yeah, Diamondback

(RATTLES)

? Oh, call me Diamondback

? Yeah, I'm Diamondback

(RATTLES)

BIRDS TWEET

What are you doing?

I can't bear it any more. Lysergic Casserole are my favourite band.

I can't watch them going round and round inside their own minds.

I've built a ramp out of Ryvita. I'm going to set them free.

Think they'll be all right?

Yeah! What do you mean?

They are from the '60s. The world's changed and they're on a lot of acid.

I know, but imagine if they get out.

They might make a second album. I could be their manager.

I never had a job before.

All right, boys, you've got to get out of here, cos I need a job.

Go on, boys! you can make it happen.

Hey, look, man. It's a miracle!

It's a ramp made out of Ryvita! We are home free, brother!

I swear I saw the hand of God place it there himself, Charlie, man!

Hold on, brother!

We are free!

Woo! Hoo-hoo!

WIND RUSHES

Man, whose hands are these, Charlie?

Um, mine.

Woo!

Woo-hoo!

Oh, man! Aw...

MUSIC FROM VISION ON'S "GALLERY"

HARD HOUSE MUSIC

"GALLERY" MUSIC

HARD HOUSE MUSIC

"GALLERY" MUSIC

HARD HOUSE MUSIC

PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC

WHIP CRACKS

A foul-mouthed kookaburra slotted into the top pocket of a wallaby.

A wallaby, like a kangaroo but a different animal entirely.

Well done, Noel.

And thank you to Jeremy Beautifulchest

for the soundscape to this haunting piece of work.

Let's put it in the gallery.

Along with this portrait of Andre the Giant

sent in by Sam Makepeace,

aged only five years old.

Well done, Sam,

and well done to Sam's older brother,

who actually did the work.

That's right, Sam, we've been watching you for five years,

anticipating the moment when you would try and cheat the system.

Was it really worth it, Sam?

Was it really worth it?

? I'm going to have some bug soup tonight... ?

I feel like my skin is really creepy.

GHOSTLY HIGH-PITCHED COOING

Who goes there?

Are you here for my birthday?

I didn't know anyone would come.

I'm 100 today, you know.

(SQUEAKY VOICE) This is the black milk that the Fewwawi Man bwings.

This is the spit that the Devil Man siiiings!

BOWL SHATTERS

Interesting observation.

Vodka jelly?

Mmm!

Oh, all 20!

You're a thirsty one!

Oh, you're really getting the party going, aren't you?

Here, try this on.

Oh, look. I've got a tongue just like you.

PARTY WHISTLE BLOWS

(LAUGHS)

I've got an idea.

Let's play a party game!

Yes, you try.

Eeeeeee!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes, it's wonderful!

It's wonderful! Keep doing it!

How about some music?

THROBBING KEYBOARD MUSIC

Yes. These are notes.

Oh!

That's a good choice.

It's my birthday and I'm 100!

It's my birthday!

I'm 100! It's my birthday!

Can you sing?

Yeee...

Ah-ee ur-day!

Ee-buh-day!

Mappy buh-day!

You have a lovely voice.

Reminds me of a young Edvard Grieg.

? Blow out the candles and make a wish while you can

? Blow out the candles and make a wish while you can

? It's your birthday

? And it's your birthday

? Happy birthday

? Happy birthday

? You got a card from your nan

? And you opened it up, there was money inside

? It's a voucher!

? You got a card from your nan and you opened it up

? And it had money inside

? It's a voucher!

? Yeah, it had money inside

? It's a voucher!

? Yeah, it had money inside

? Whose voucher?

? Happy birthday Gonna give you the bumps

? And it's your birthday I'm gonna give you the bumps

? Happy birthday I'm gonna give you the bumps

? Now it's your birthday Gonna give you the bumps

? Happy birthday

? Gonna give you the bumps

? Yeah, it's your birthday

? Gonna give you the bumps

? Happy birthday

? Gonna give you the bumps

? Happy birthday

? Gonna give you the bumps

MAJESTIC CHORAL MUSIC

Oh, no. It's God.

Ghost of a Flea, what are you doing?

Sorry.

Go and wait in the car. I'll deal with you later.

Bye.

Oh, don't forget your party bag.

William Jessop, stop summoning up visitors from the other side

and instigating parties with them.

But it is my birthday.

Nevertheless, this won't happen again, will it?

Probably...no.

Right. I'll be off, then.

Would you like a party bag?

Hmm, what's in it?

Cake and a toy.

Cake and a toy?

Hmm, go on, I'll take one. Not for me, you understand. For Jesus.

Right. I'll be off, then.

Left a typhoon on in India.

What a dick.

HARD HOUSE MUSIC

? Ooh, yeah ?

Noel, can you sign my holiday form, please?

Yeah, all right.

I am going on holiday with Picasso and Keith Haring.

Hold on, who's going to do my cleaning?

My friend will cover for me.

Not wonky Steve!

No, he's still in prison.

Who, then?

Frida Kahlo, the surrealist painter.

No way! I love her staff.

She's amazing.

Mm.

Where are you going?

Center Parcs.

Well, send me a postcard, yes?

Yes.

I will need some spending money.

Oh, right, yeah.

Is that enough?

A little more, maybe.

Wait a minute, didn't I already pay you about two days ago?

Yes.

What have you spent it on?

J-cloths.

J-cloths?

All right, then.

Nice suitcase.

Yes. Jackson Pollock gave it to me

and I borrowed this rucksack from Rene Magritte.

STEAM TRAIN WHISTLE

Yeah, I mean, it's a nice design, but probably gets a bit annoying.

No, it doesn't.

Why haven't I got a rucksack?

We're off to see the jelly fox.

The jelly fox, the jelly fox.

We're off to see the jelly fox, who gives you what you need.

We're off to see the jelly fox, the jelly fox.

Look at us, we're off to see the jelly fox.

It'll give us what we need.

Me, little Chrissy.

Him, Claw.

(HUMS)

Him, the Spoon Snake.

Am I nothing?

And him at the end, McCoy.

(CRUNCHES)

Gotta go and see the jelly fox.

He's a super being.

He's a super magic man.

He'll give you what you need.

(HUMS)

He lives in a blue fabric castle with the red creases in it.

THUNDER AND LIGHTING

I saw him once, assuming the shape of the rest in snooker.

(CRUNCHES)

I saw him in a Spanish canoe.

(HUMS)

He's got special powers to give you what you need.

He's going to give me a tablet

that dissolves in wine to wipe away my past.

I've got to wipe away my past

because I've killed everyone in my village.

(HUMS)

I killed everyone in my village with an Argos pen.

Am I nothing?

Spoon Snake's wife wants a wet room.

But I think Spoon Snake,

he doesn't want to use his wish from the jelly fox on a wet room.

Am I nothing?

He told me he wants to be in a Mel Gibson vehicle.

He wants to be in Apocalypto.

I said to him, "It's already been filmed,

"you can't be an Apocalypto." He says,

"I can be in Apocalypto. I can be in the new Apocalypto."

I said, "There's no such thing as the new Apocalypto."

He said, "There is.

"It's like Apocalypto...

..but everyone's got toothpaste on their eye."

I said, I don't think that Mel Gibson's agreed to that.

(CRUNCHES)

You are going to love this.

Let me see.

What's that supposed to be?

A tiger!

I asked for David Bowie.

You look exactly like him.

Really?

When he went through his Tiger period?

Yes.

Just after Aladdin Sane?

Yes.

Don't mind me.

All right, Frida.

Hello, David.

Who's that?

Frida Kahlo, my new cleaner.

It's clearly Andy.

Andy?

Yes?

(No, you're not Andy!)

Andy, what are you doing?

I am not Andy Warhol,

I am Frida Kahlo, the Mexican surrealist.

Andy Warhol has gone on his holidays.

Andy, it's totally cool for you to wear a dress.

We are all cool people, you know.

Sometimes, I dress up as a cross between a fireman and a baby,

and I call myself a fire-baby.

When did you do that, you sicko?

I didn't know you're a transvestite, Andy.

I'm not transvestite!

I'm Frida Kahlo, the Mexican surrealist.

Andy Warhol has gone on his holidays.

You gave him spending money, remember?

OK, don't go on about it already.

I'm not going on about it!

If you want to wear a dress in front of the whole group, that's fine.

It's so cool, Andy.

I'm not Andy! I'm Frida Kahlo!

Look, everyone stop talking now!

Who's this hottie?

Oh, you wouldn't believe it. It's Frida Kahlo, covering for Andy Warhol

while he's on his holidays.

All right, Frida?

I was thinking of hitting Pizza Express. Want to join me?

Yah. Yah, great.

OK.

Smooth!

What are you doing?

I've always had a thing for Latino girls!

Yeah, you know that's Andy Warhol, don't you?

Yeah.

So, maybe sometimes you give me some spending money?

Don't think so.

I don't give spending money to fire-babies.

It's not a joke, Noel.

What do you do, anyway?

Is it like a fireman's top half and then a nappy?

No.

Is it a romper suit and helmet?

Yes.

Ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous. It's a concept.

It's quite ridiculous, like a joke.

It's not a joke. It's a serious concept.

It's a joke.

It's not. It's a concept. It's insulting of you.

It's a joke.

It's a concept.

It's a joke.

It's a concept.

I think it's a joke.

Well, I know it's a concept.

OK, let's consult Hawkeye.

Fine.

'Concept.'

See, it's a concept.

Ugh! Where are you going now?

The station - there's been a small emergency.

FIREMAN'S BELL

I'm coming.

WHEELS SQUEAK

It's not a concept, is it?

I'm a bit puffed out, actually.

I'm puffed out like in 1986, when I went to Crete in a moccasin.

I think we might need to have a little rest.

You can't really go and see the jelly fox in one go.

(HUMS)

I think it's time to have a little drinky.

Get the straws out, McCoy.

Get the straws out, McCoy.

I love McCoy.

But I'll crush him like a goose egg.

(HUMS)

He's got the straws all wrapped up in a David Essex poster.

Am I nothing?

Look at Spoon Snake.

He doesn't even know what's going on.

His face is like a green dish.

Am I nothing?

Let's all have some fizzy pop.

Not you, McCoy, you've got diabetes.

McCoy's got diabetes.

We all laugh at that but it's not a joke, it's a medical condition.

Look at McCoy.

He's so racist.

THUNDER

Oh! Look at John Travolta,

standing in the window, eating crisps.

He's got a bumper pack.

He's tucked them into the front of his shorts.

His cape goes on for ever.

He's so Italian.

There's Italian pollen coming off his face

and giving me hay fever.

Right, come on,

Spoon Snake, Claw, McCoy,

we ain't got a moment to lose.

Am I nothing?

I'm going through a terrible divorce.

OK, it's a film.

Three words. First word.

Pinching Slimbar!

What?

Pinching Slimbar!

That's not even a word.

Pinching Slimbar.

Oh, I know it, it's the Kevin Bacon one.

You know, the one where he plays the paedophile. Oh, what's it called?

Um... Pinching Slimbar.

Pinching Slimbar.

Good vehicle for Bacon, that was. Really brought him back after Footloose.

Pinching Slimbar.

THUNDER

Almost there.

Spoon Snake, phone your wife.

Tell her you'll probably never see her again.

We're entering the dark zone.

We're literally on the jelly fox's doorstep.

We're all going to get what we need.

Claw, please, slip on the knocking glove

and let loose with your porcelain digits.

(HUMS)

We don't want to upset him by scratching the new mahogany.

Knock on his door.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Oh!

Everyone hold hands,

I can hear him coming down the stairs.

I can hear his booming voice as he gets closer.

GROANING

(SCREAMING)

GROANING

(SCREAMING)

GROANING

(PANTING)

GROANING

(SCREAMING)

GROANING

(SCREAMING)

What are you lot doing here?

Oh, my God, he's got like a whole little world.

You're not supposed to be back until 11:30!

Ah, look, there's John Travolta at the window, eating crisps.

Yeah, he's at the window and he's eating crisps.

Great. Can you get out now, please?

We can still see you, Noel.

You know there's no coming back from this?

Yeah. I'm fully aware of that.

Now, it'd be great if you could all go.

So, Noel, is this a joke or a concept?

It's a concept.

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