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1
00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:30,780
? People in the night
with people up above
2
00:00:32,180 --> 00:00:33,820
? Oooh, yeah
3
00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:38,940
? Luxury comedy, ooh yeah
4
00:00:38,940 --> 00:00:40,460
? In the bag. ?
5
00:00:46,420 --> 00:00:49,460
It's like a glass hedgehog
and he comes out...
6
00:00:49,460 --> 00:00:49,860
This came for you.
7
00:00:49,860 --> 00:00:50,940
Really? What is it?
8
00:00:50,940 --> 00:00:52,020
Not sure.
9
00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:00,580
Great - new cereal!
10
00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:05,140
Mmm.
11
00:01:05,140 --> 00:01:07,300
? Oh baby I like it raw...
12
00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:09,380
? Yeah baby... ?
13
00:01:09,380 --> 00:01:11,940
All right, Noel,
did you get my package?
14
00:01:11,940 --> 00:01:13,820
Yeah, just eating them.
Pretty good, actually.
15
00:01:13,820 --> 00:01:17,100
Yeah, they're called Secret Pieces
and they're good, ain't they?
16
00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:19,340
(LAUGHS) Remarkable!
What are they made from?
17
00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:20,620
That's my own shit.
18
00:01:21,740 --> 00:01:23,020
(COUGHS) Oh, Peter!
19
00:01:23,020 --> 00:01:25,540
I mean, that's my
multi-coloured rabbit droppings.
20
00:01:25,540 --> 00:01:30,220
Like, I go into a chamber
and I eat loads of vitamins
21
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:32,180
and pieces of rainbow.
22
00:01:32,180 --> 00:01:34,660
I make rainbow kebabs
and they spin round
23
00:01:34,660 --> 00:01:37,220
and I slice bits of rainbow off,
put it in pitta bread
24
00:01:37,220 --> 00:01:41,500
and then I munch it down till
I'm big and fat and ready and then
25
00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:45,700
I just pump them out from my blue
shorts straight into the packets.
26
00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:47,980
I can do about
seven packets a week.
27
00:01:47,980 --> 00:01:49,300
Actually...
28
00:01:50,660 --> 00:01:52,300
..they're very moreish.
29
00:01:52,300 --> 00:01:53,820
That'll be the nicotine.
30
00:01:53,820 --> 00:01:57,700
When I first made them they
looked like hundreds and thousands
31
00:01:57,700 --> 00:02:00,780
but more swollen so I called
them tens and twenties...(SNIGGERS)
32
00:02:00,780 --> 00:02:04,420
..and I was going
to use them as cake decoration
33
00:02:04,420 --> 00:02:07,260
so I phoned up Mr Kipperbang,
you know the cake doctor,
34
00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:09,740
and he said, "Go fuck yourself."
35
00:02:09,740 --> 00:02:12,500
But, you know, I think
they go better with milk anyway.
36
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,380
So are they in the shops, then?
37
00:02:14,380 --> 00:02:17,300
No, but they're outside the shops,
by the bush.
38
00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:18,340
Yeah, all right.
See you later, Peter.
39
00:02:18,340 --> 00:02:20,660
Yeah, nice one.
Don't call me again, yeah?
40
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:36,460
You have three minutes
until take off
41
00:02:38,620 --> 00:02:41,500
and two and a half minutes
to prepare your main course.
42
00:02:48,020 --> 00:02:49,220
Clickety-click.
43
00:02:49,220 --> 00:02:52,660
ACCORDION MUSIC
44
00:03:13,420 --> 00:03:14,780
Halleluiah!
45
00:03:14,780 --> 00:03:16,900
Praise the Lord, the boy can see!
46
00:03:20,940 --> 00:03:22,900
'Chop, chop, chop!'
47
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:25,700
Just look at the size
of that carrot! Ha-ha!
48
00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:28,100
Put a little whisky in that,
will you, Rodriguez?
49
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:31,660
Oh, boy! I think
I'm one of them lizard people.
50
00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:41,820
CROWD ROARS
51
00:03:44,740 --> 00:03:48,420
(WHISTLES TV CRICKET THEME)
52
00:03:48,420 --> 00:03:51,420
Harold Faltermeyer
disguised as an octopus,
53
00:03:51,420 --> 00:03:56,140
blowing a whistle reminding you
you're fresh out of goddamn paprika.
54
00:03:58,100 --> 00:04:02,420
TV CRICKET THEME CONTINUES
55
00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:07,100
DRUM ROLL
56
00:04:08,740 --> 00:04:10,940
WHISTLING CONTINUES
57
00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:19,340
Mmm...Rodriguez, put a shot of
bourbon in that, will you?
58
00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:22,580
DRUM ROLL CONTINUES
59
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:28,100
ACCORDION MUSIC
60
00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:35,980
BUZZER
61
00:04:35,980 --> 00:04:38,780
Gentlemen, you have 15 seconds
to board your vessel.
62
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:53,860
Ello, ello, ello...
63
00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,380
GONG SOUNDS
64
00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:57,100
Perfect job, patriots!
65
00:05:02,020 --> 00:05:03,540
HORN BEEPS
66
00:05:12,140 --> 00:05:13,980
Woo...doggy! Ha-ha!
67
00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:19,780
ACCORDION PLAYS
68
00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:32,020
I'm the moon!
69
00:05:32,020 --> 00:05:33,900
I'm not in this show.
70
00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:38,460
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
71
00:05:38,460 --> 00:05:41,780
No, class. I do not
cycle home like Miss Kite
72
00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:44,340
and I haven't got
a snazzy car like Mr Ebdon
73
00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:47,460
and I will not go on the bus
with you horrible little lot.
74
00:05:47,460 --> 00:05:51,820
I ride the pommel horse home
like every PE teacher should.
75
00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:57,820
That's a little joke
for the tiny ones.
76
00:05:57,820 --> 00:06:00,740
You see, I can be a character
like Mr Clasby,
77
00:06:00,740 --> 00:06:03,060
I just need a chance to shine!
78
00:06:06,260 --> 00:06:08,180
? Oh baby I like it raw
79
00:06:08,180 --> 00:06:09,700
? Oh baby I like it... ?
80
00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:11,260
All right, Peter.
81
00:06:11,260 --> 00:06:14,220
Eh, Noel, who's the best
film star who ever lived?
82
00:06:14,220 --> 00:06:15,660
Kurt Russell. Yeah.
83
00:06:15,660 --> 00:06:17,220
What's the best film that's
ever been made?
84
00:06:17,220 --> 00:06:18,700
Big Trouble In Little China.
85
00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:20,540
I told you, Nathan, you idiot!
86
00:06:20,540 --> 00:06:22,140
I gotta go, Noel, I'm in the pub.
87
00:06:22,140 --> 00:06:24,060
Yeah, great.
88
00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:30,540
I'm Sergeant Raymond Boombox.
89
00:06:30,540 --> 00:06:31,940
As you may or may not know,
90
00:06:31,940 --> 00:06:35,340
in 1975 I received a knife wound
in the line of duty.
91
00:06:35,340 --> 00:06:37,340
A knife wound that
started talking to me
92
00:06:37,340 --> 00:06:39,860
and occasionally
helped me solve cases.
93
00:06:39,860 --> 00:06:41,820
Helped you on some of your cases(!)
94
00:06:41,820 --> 00:06:44,420
I solved most of them
you fat son of a bitch!
95
00:06:44,420 --> 00:06:46,380
Shut up, you freak.
96
00:06:46,380 --> 00:06:49,020
I'm trying to put you in
some kind of goddamn context.
97
00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:51,620
Anyway, one of the most
exciting cases we worked on
98
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,780
was when we were in Miami undercover.
99
00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:54,940
Hooper,
what was the name of that case?
100
00:06:54,940 --> 00:06:57,620
What, the one where you
wore the pink salmon shorts?
101
00:06:57,620 --> 00:06:59,860
You looked ridiculous, you're big,
fat pumpkin ass sticking out.
102
00:06:59,860 --> 00:07:02,740
You picked those out for me,
what were you wearing anyway,
103
00:07:02,740 --> 00:07:03,300
your wife's skirt?
104
00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:05,820
It was a sarong, actually,
and it was your wife's.
105
00:07:05,820 --> 00:07:08,860
You do not have access
to my wife's sarong collection -
106
00:07:08,860 --> 00:07:10,100
you mind your mouth!
107
00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:13,380
Of course he did,
he was banging her.
108
00:07:13,380 --> 00:07:14,740
Everyone knows that.
109
00:07:14,740 --> 00:07:15,860
He was not banging her,
110
00:07:15,860 --> 00:07:19,500
they just happened to be at the
same night school doing the same dance classes.
111
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:21,660
Yeah, we were doing modern tap
and er...urban hip-hop.
112
00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:23,660
Precisely, thank you, Hooper.
113
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:24,940
You be quiet.
114
00:07:24,940 --> 00:07:28,380
Anyway, we were down in Miami and
I looked like one piece of hot ass.
115
00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:35,020
'We'd offloaded some drugs
to a known local dealer called Figo the fruit fly.
116
00:07:35,020 --> 00:07:37,660
'Named so cos everything
he landed on turned rotten.
117
00:07:37,660 --> 00:07:39,940
'All we had to do was get
a payment off this guy
118
00:07:39,940 --> 00:07:42,140
'and we could bust his thorax.'
119
00:07:42,140 --> 00:07:45,020
Working with these scumbags
was absolutely terrifying.
120
00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:47,020
If they even sniffed you out
as a cop,
121
00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:48,540
not only would they kill you
122
00:07:48,540 --> 00:07:50,820
but they could make things
very awkward for you.
123
00:07:50,820 --> 00:07:53,060
It didn't bother me,
I was a frightening mimic,
124
00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:54,340
an unbelievable actor,
125
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:58,100
like a slightly hairier Kirk Douglas
without the deformed chin.
126
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:01,260
I could slot in with these guys
as soon as look at them...
127
00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:02,700
speak the lingo...
128
00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:04,100
I was one of them.
129
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:07,380
Yo...I gave you the money,
what's say you give me the drugs,
130
00:08:07,380 --> 00:08:10,100
we'll go out, get a couple of chicks
and a couple of beers.
131
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:17,500
DOOOOOYOUTAKECAAAARDS?
132
00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:18,660
What?!
133
00:08:18,660 --> 00:08:21,700
DOOO YOU TAKE CAAARDS?
134
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:24,940
Er, that's not better,
try it slower or faster.
135
00:08:24,940 --> 00:08:27,580
DOOO YOU TAKE CAAARDS?
136
00:08:27,580 --> 00:08:31,220
Jesus Christ, that's not helping
anything, put your eyes away.
137
00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:33,420
What are you saying to me?!
138
00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:34,540
DOOOOOOOOOOOO
139
00:08:34,540 --> 00:08:36,100
YOUUUUUUUUUUU
140
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:37,860
TAAAAAAAAAAKE
141
00:08:37,860 --> 00:08:39,820
CAAAAAAAAARDS?
142
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,860
He's saying, "Do you take a card?"
143
00:08:42,860 --> 00:08:44,100
Do I take cards?
144
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:45,780
Of course I don't take cards!
145
00:08:45,780 --> 00:08:47,540
What do I look like, a cash machine?
146
00:08:47,540 --> 00:08:49,380
I do.
147
00:08:49,380 --> 00:08:50,900
Sir, put your card in my mouth
148
00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:54,140
and I'll be happy to
handle your transaction.
149
00:08:56,460 --> 00:08:58,380
What the hell are you doing?
150
00:08:58,380 --> 00:08:59,620
Shut up!
151
00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:01,900
Would you like a receipt
with that, sir?
152
00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:05,340
YEEEES, PLEEEEASE.
153
00:09:05,340 --> 00:09:07,260
So the goddamn gash ate Figo's card.
154
00:09:07,260 --> 00:09:10,820
Needless to say, he was not a happy
bunny. He produced a Norman sword
155
00:09:10,820 --> 00:09:13,340
and slashed me across the belly pouch
156
00:09:13,340 --> 00:09:16,180
with the speed and agility
of a NASA cyborg.
157
00:09:17,580 --> 00:09:20,180
Oh! Oh, my God!
158
00:09:20,180 --> 00:09:22,980
What's wrong with you?
What are you, a re-enactment?!
159
00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:25,820
Because of the gash,
the whole drug bust went tits-up.
160
00:09:25,820 --> 00:09:27,820
And things went from bad to worse.
161
00:09:27,820 --> 00:09:30,780
Oh...oh...oh.
162
00:09:30,780 --> 00:09:32,140
Oh, my God!
163
00:09:32,140 --> 00:09:34,660
Somebody call an ambulance,
this guy's in trouble.
164
00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:36,420
Oh, really?
165
00:09:36,420 --> 00:09:37,580
What do you know, are you a doctor?
166
00:09:37,580 --> 00:09:39,740
No, I am not a doctor,
thank you very much,
167
00:09:39,740 --> 00:09:42,100
but my brother-in-law
happens to be one
168
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:44,620
so I've been around
a lot of accidents, OK?
169
00:09:44,620 --> 00:09:46,340
Oh, as if you're married,
170
00:09:46,340 --> 00:09:49,220
you just appeared there
on a fat guy's gut!
171
00:09:49,220 --> 00:09:51,820
Could you not insult me
while insulting someone else?
172
00:09:51,820 --> 00:09:55,060
If you hadn't eaten the card
we wouldn't be in this mess.
173
00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:58,140
It was so good,
it was Lloyds flavour.
174
00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:02,100
Oh, my God, it was so not
Lloyds flavour, it was Bar-clays.
175
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:05,780
It's Barclays, not Bar-clays,
you goddamn schmuck!
176
00:10:05,780 --> 00:10:07,260
Oh...Bar-clays, Barclays...bite me.
177
00:10:07,260 --> 00:10:08,820
Oh, for God's sake.
178
00:10:08,820 --> 00:10:11,300
Somebody call me an ambulance.
179
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:12,740
Use your phone!
180
00:10:12,740 --> 00:10:15,300
I can't, I got no battery.
181
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:16,740
Well, use your phone then.
182
00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:18,780
I can't help you, I got no signal.
183
00:10:18,780 --> 00:10:21,980
Fine, I'll call
my own goddamn ambulance.
184
00:10:24,060 --> 00:10:26,980
SIREN WAILS
185
00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:28,580
I can hear the ambulance,
186
00:10:28,580 --> 00:10:29,940
we're gonna be fine.
187
00:10:29,940 --> 00:10:31,260
(WAILS)
188
00:10:31,260 --> 00:10:33,460
Oh, great, very funny.
189
00:10:33,460 --> 00:10:35,020
Sorry, sarge,
190
00:10:35,020 --> 00:10:39,300
I got a gift for mimicking
different types of emergency siren.
191
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,860
Well, good luck on New Faces.
192
00:10:40,860 --> 00:10:43,460
I'm bleeding to death here,
if you haven't noticed!
193
00:10:43,460 --> 00:10:46,820
OK, does anyone want to hear
my impersonation of Michael Caine?
194
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:51,340
No, we do not want to hear your
impersonation of Michael Caine! Shut up!
195
00:10:52,660 --> 00:10:55,460
"You're a big man,
but you're out of shape."
196
00:10:55,460 --> 00:10:57,620
And so Figo got away with the drugs.
197
00:10:57,620 --> 00:11:00,860
I had to crawl on my goddamn
hands and knees to the hospital
198
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:02,220
but they fixed me up good
199
00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:04,940
and we decided to stay on in Miami
for a week's holiday.
200
00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:07,620
Me and the gash
got loaded on cocktails,
201
00:11:07,620 --> 00:11:11,220
and poor Hooper was mistaken in
his sarong for a lady of the night.
202
00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:15,060
Oh, how we laughed when he was almost
gang banged by 15 sailors.
203
00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:18,340
I laughed so hard
I burst open my tummy stitches
204
00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:21,100
and my tummy gash
regaled the whole party
205
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:24,860
with his impersonations of
Michael Caine and Harry Dean Stanton.
206
00:11:24,860 --> 00:11:25,940
Ha-ha-ha!
207
00:11:25,940 --> 00:11:28,700
A fabulous holiday
and one I'll always remember.
208
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:31,980
Join me next week, and remember
always keep a knife under your bed,
209
00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:34,860
cos most people are murdered
by the person they love most.
210
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:37,460
And I look at a lot of corpses
and most of those corpses
211
00:11:37,460 --> 00:11:40,540
have been violated and raped
before being murdered, so...
212
00:11:40,540 --> 00:11:43,020
at least a screw driver,
I mean, it's your choice.
213
00:11:43,020 --> 00:11:45,660
Bwye-bwye, everyone.
214
00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:49,060
Good night.
215
00:11:55,995 --> 00:11:59,715
All bleeding coming together, innit?
Ha! All bleeding coming together.
216
00:11:59,715 --> 00:12:03,475
Ah, it's all bleeding coming
together. What a place!
217
00:12:03,475 --> 00:12:06,355
You couldn't get bored, could you?
Could you get bored?
218
00:12:06,355 --> 00:12:11,035
You could go round this. Ha-ha!
You could go round a pointed rock.
219
00:12:11,035 --> 00:12:14,275
Look at this, I've got a tyre
on a rope. Ha-ha!
220
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:16,195
Tyre on a bleeding rope!
221
00:12:16,195 --> 00:12:17,635
Who came up with that?
222
00:12:17,635 --> 00:12:19,275
Who could come up with that?
223
00:12:19,275 --> 00:12:22,835
Higher, lower, higher, lower.
I'm in a zoo.
224
00:12:22,835 --> 00:12:25,475
All coming together.
Great food. Top-flight food,
225
00:12:25,475 --> 00:12:28,035
gotta be a gourmet chef, hasn't it?
226
00:12:28,035 --> 00:12:31,195
Gotta be a gourmet chef!
Who do you reckon? Ramsay?
227
00:12:31,195 --> 00:12:34,275
Or Worrall Thompson
Gotta be, innit?
228
00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:37,755
Hmm! Hmm! Nice food. Not that
hungry, might have that later.
229
00:12:39,555 --> 00:12:42,755
David Lee Roth, king of the lions,
you all right, David?
230
00:12:42,755 --> 00:12:45,115
We'll have that later.
Yeah. There he is.
231
00:12:45,115 --> 00:12:48,475
Had a little operation when I got
here, they took my penis away,
232
00:12:48,475 --> 00:12:52,115
removed my penis. Probably having
a look at it, aren't they? Ha-ha.
233
00:12:52,115 --> 00:12:53,995
Probably having a look at my penis.
234
00:12:53,995 --> 00:12:55,915
Got to get it back, haven't I?
235
00:12:55,915 --> 00:12:59,035
They're bound to give it back to me.
Probably Thursday,
236
00:12:59,035 --> 00:13:02,555
they're probably doing a diagram or
something of it for a zoology book.
237
00:13:02,555 --> 00:13:04,555
John! Any news on my penis?
238
00:13:10,995 --> 00:13:12,475
What a card!
239
00:13:12,475 --> 00:13:16,555
He always does that. Ha-ha! I love
it, English sense of humour.
240
00:13:16,555 --> 00:13:19,835
I mean, I've read about it
and I've heard about it
241
00:13:19,835 --> 00:13:23,835
but I've never actually seen it
with my own lion peepers. Ha-ha!
242
00:13:23,835 --> 00:13:25,395
Peepers!
243
00:13:25,395 --> 00:13:28,435
I called my eyes "peepers". Ha-ha.
244
00:13:28,435 --> 00:13:31,995
That's cos I'm happy,
I'm happy with my environment(!)
245
00:13:31,995 --> 00:13:35,275
I love it here! All bleeding
coming together, I'm in a zoo.
246
00:13:35,275 --> 00:13:38,035
All bleeding coming together.
247
00:13:38,035 --> 00:13:43,555
All bleeding coming together,
higher, lower, higher, lower. Ha-ha!
248
00:13:43,555 --> 00:13:46,795
LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!
249
00:13:46,795 --> 00:13:50,115
It is all bleeding coming together?
Please say it's coming together.
250
00:13:50,115 --> 00:13:53,075
I can't handle it in here,
I'm going crazy.
251
00:13:53,075 --> 00:13:55,915
Help me, don't just film me, help me!
252
00:13:55,915 --> 00:13:59,115
Sit down, sit down,
we'll have some Hula Hoops, David.
253
00:13:59,115 --> 00:14:02,715
You're not chewing them properly,
David, what's wrong with you?
254
00:14:02,715 --> 00:14:04,675
They're just going on the floor!
255
00:14:05,755 --> 00:14:08,555
I love you, David,
you're king of the lions.
256
00:14:08,555 --> 00:14:11,635
I'm moving stuff about in here, John.
257
00:14:12,635 --> 00:14:14,995
I'm having a brain snap.
258
00:14:16,275 --> 00:14:19,355
Oooh, I'm treading on my lunch.
259
00:14:19,355 --> 00:14:20,955
It's gone everywhere.
260
00:14:24,355 --> 00:14:27,315
I asked for Quavers!
261
00:14:30,355 --> 00:14:31,555
In you go.
262
00:14:33,835 --> 00:14:35,395
You putting that in a frame?
263
00:14:35,395 --> 00:14:36,635
Yeah, course I'm putting
264
00:14:36,635 --> 00:14:39,555
it in a frame, it's a masterpiece.
What would you do with it?
265
00:14:39,555 --> 00:14:43,475
I'd probably just blue tack it to
the fridge door. What is it, anyway?
266
00:14:43,475 --> 00:14:45,755
What do you mean, what is it?
It's Pele,
267
00:14:45,755 --> 00:14:47,715
but he's holding a china teacup.
268
00:14:47,715 --> 00:14:50,835
Oh, yeah, actually,
it has got something.
269
00:14:50,835 --> 00:14:53,835
You see? It's enigmatic,
like the Mona Lisa, you know,
270
00:14:53,835 --> 00:14:57,275
it's the eternal question.
Is she a woman? Is she a man?
271
00:14:57,275 --> 00:15:02,115
Is she smiling, isn't she smiling?
This throws up similar sorts of questions.
272
00:15:02,115 --> 00:15:03,555
What questions?
273
00:15:03,555 --> 00:15:07,475
Well, it's Pele. He's holding
a china cup, that much is clear.
274
00:15:07,475 --> 00:15:09,035
But when you come down his leg,
275
00:15:09,035 --> 00:15:12,755
to the little tippy-toe of his boot,
and you see this, what is that?
276
00:15:12,755 --> 00:15:14,075
The ball?
277
00:15:14,075 --> 00:15:16,475
But is it the ball,
278
00:15:16,475 --> 00:15:20,475
or is it the saucer for the cup?
279
00:15:21,915 --> 00:15:23,755
Oh, yeah! This changes everything!
280
00:15:23,755 --> 00:15:25,995
I've got to phone Trisha!
281
00:15:31,075 --> 00:15:35,275
In the event of losing a loved one
some people would turn to therapy
282
00:15:35,275 --> 00:15:40,555
to help them through hard times.
Other people might turn to religion.
283
00:15:40,555 --> 00:15:44,555
Weaker people like myself,
when I lost my wife,
284
00:15:44,555 --> 00:15:48,915
turned to swingball. You see,
we used to play tennis together
285
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:54,355
and I tried to recreate those
hours by wearing my wife's dress
286
00:15:54,355 --> 00:15:57,435
and playing myself in the garden.
287
00:15:57,435 --> 00:15:59,115
It wasn't really the same.
288
00:15:59,115 --> 00:16:02,635
DRUM BEAT
289
00:17:02,995 --> 00:17:06,555
Here comes Roy Circles,
he's got chocolate ankles.
290
00:17:08,635 --> 00:17:14,395
Oh, last Thursday, I woke up on my
own and there was blood in my pants.
291
00:17:17,115 --> 00:17:21,235
I mean, I look at it and I think,
I don't really like your drawings,
292
00:17:21,235 --> 00:17:23,115
but this one has something,
293
00:17:23,115 --> 00:17:26,755
and I wonder why keep coming back to
it, why I'm so drawn to it?
294
00:17:26,755 --> 00:17:31,915
It's Pele, holding a china cup.
I like it, it's clear, it's direct.
295
00:17:31,915 --> 00:17:36,115
But then my eye travels down
past his midriff to his boots,
296
00:17:36,115 --> 00:17:39,395
I notice the ball
and it hits me like a thunderbolt!
297
00:17:39,395 --> 00:17:41,875
Is it a ball
or is it the saucer for the cup?
298
00:17:43,475 --> 00:17:45,755
Ha-ha, exactly!
299
00:17:45,755 --> 00:17:48,475
I didn't know you were so deep
and complicated, Noel.
300
00:17:48,475 --> 00:17:53,115
I'm usually not,
but when I do felt-tip drawings, I get pretty deep, yeah?
301
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:56,395
How much do you think a drawing like
this is worth on today's market?
302
00:17:56,395 --> 00:17:58,755
I'm getting it valued later
by Daran Cache.
303
00:17:58,755 --> 00:18:00,635
Who's Daran Cache?
304
00:18:00,635 --> 00:18:04,115
He invented the colouring pencil?
He's on his way as we speak.
305
00:18:04,115 --> 00:18:05,515
I'm coming!
306
00:18:06,755 --> 00:18:07,915
You are an idiot!
307
00:18:07,915 --> 00:18:09,115
What do you mean?
308
00:18:09,115 --> 00:18:10,555
You live with one of the most
309
00:18:10,555 --> 00:18:13,755
famous artists of the 20th Century,
an icon - Andy Warhol.
310
00:18:13,755 --> 00:18:15,835
Not him, he's an idiot,
he's my cleaner.
311
00:18:15,835 --> 00:18:17,635
I suppose I could ask him.
312
00:18:17,635 --> 00:18:18,875
Andy!
313
00:18:20,275 --> 00:18:21,715
Look at this.
314
00:18:21,715 --> 00:18:24,835
Hmm, a colour diagram, how quaint.
315
00:18:24,835 --> 00:18:27,435
Not a colour diagram, is it?!
It's a masterpiece!
316
00:18:27,435 --> 00:18:29,835
Let me take a closer look.
317
00:18:29,835 --> 00:18:31,675
ELECTRONIC BEEPING
318
00:18:33,115 --> 00:18:33,755
What are you doing?
319
00:18:33,755 --> 00:18:34,835
Looking.
320
00:18:36,355 --> 00:18:39,475
I see Pele, a footballer,
holding a china cup
321
00:18:39,475 --> 00:18:41,395
which is slightly interesting,
322
00:18:41,395 --> 00:18:44,075
but does not tell me anything
I do not know already.
323
00:18:44,075 --> 00:18:45,115
What do you mean?
324
00:18:45,115 --> 00:18:47,715
You have drawn a footballer
kicking a football.
325
00:18:47,715 --> 00:18:49,475
This is a standard observation.
326
00:18:49,475 --> 00:18:51,555
Yeah, but is it a football?
327
00:18:51,555 --> 00:18:52,475
What so you mean?
328
00:18:52,475 --> 00:18:56,075
Or is it the saucer for the cup?
329
00:18:56,075 --> 00:18:58,515
ELECTRONIC SQUEAKS
330
00:19:01,035 --> 00:19:04,675
Oh, my God,
you've blown Andy's mind!
331
00:19:07,035 --> 00:19:09,755
So, Andy, what
do you think it's worth?
332
00:19:09,755 --> 00:19:14,755
Saucer, cup, saucer, cup,
saucer, cup.
333
00:19:14,755 --> 00:19:18,635
? Pele, Pele
Score a goal, Pele. ?
334
00:19:18,635 --> 00:19:23,355
Saucer, cup, saucer, cup, saucer...
335
00:19:32,555 --> 00:19:34,755
DANCE MUSIC
336
00:19:40,395 --> 00:19:43,075
RHYTHMIC FOLK MUSIC
337
00:19:47,115 --> 00:19:50,915
'Sherlock Holmes. Chapter one.
Moriarty's Revenge.
338
00:19:50,915 --> 00:19:54,075
'The smell of beer wafted through
the narrow cobbled streets,
339
00:19:54,075 --> 00:19:57,755
'the fog thick and clinging
to the passing stage coaches.
340
00:19:57,755 --> 00:20:00,395
'Dr Watson checked
his new pocket watch
341
00:20:00,395 --> 00:20:02,715
'and shuffled through
a concrete archway.'
342
00:20:05,035 --> 00:20:06,635
Hmmm!
343
00:20:09,635 --> 00:20:11,755
Well, Noel, to be honest, it is
344
00:20:11,755 --> 00:20:15,995
impossible to put a figure on a
drawing like that, it is priceless.
345
00:20:15,995 --> 00:20:17,515
Ashtray!
346
00:20:19,115 --> 00:20:22,275
Wow, so you think you might be
inserted in buying it, then?
347
00:20:22,275 --> 00:20:26,395
No, but if you want any free
colouring pencils, give me a call.
348
00:20:26,395 --> 00:20:28,755
It's a bit racy, isn't it?
349
00:20:28,755 --> 00:20:33,035
Yes. It is my aim to make
colouring pencils sexy again.
350
00:20:33,035 --> 00:20:34,275
Again?
351
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:35,995
Hmm-mm.
352
00:20:48,075 --> 00:20:50,275
Ha-ha! Amazing!
353
00:20:50,275 --> 00:20:52,555
You've got a tank
made from Swiss cheese!
354
00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:54,715
This tank is not
made out of Swiss cheese.
355
00:20:54,715 --> 00:20:56,595
It's made out of ordinary cheese.
356
00:20:56,595 --> 00:20:57,915
What are those holes, then?
357
00:20:57,915 --> 00:21:00,755
Those, my friend,
are the injuries of war.
358
00:21:00,755 --> 00:21:06,115
I don't expect a civilian punk
like you to know the difference.
359
00:21:06,115 --> 00:21:07,475
Right then, up ahead,
360
00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:11,395
a pencil drawing of Pele,
done in the naive primitive style.
361
00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:16,115
He's holding a china tea cup,
an obvious slant towards surrealism,
362
00:21:16,115 --> 00:21:19,035
but, as we all know,
you should never take crockery
363
00:21:19,035 --> 00:21:20,475
onto the playing field.
364
00:21:20,475 --> 00:21:22,755
When little Steven Kahle,
the Kenyan boy,
365
00:21:22,755 --> 00:21:26,075
tried to do cross-country
with a teapot in his shorts,
366
00:21:26,075 --> 00:21:29,755
Darren Cooper tripped him up
and his winkle came loose.
367
00:21:29,755 --> 00:21:33,915
A nightmare, I had to carry that
to hospital in a matchbox.
368
00:21:33,915 --> 00:21:36,195
I'll never get over those images.
369
00:21:37,635 --> 00:21:40,355
All in all, though,
not a bad little drawing.
370
00:21:40,355 --> 00:21:45,195
Wait a second, if I'm not mistaken,
the body has been done in freehand
371
00:21:45,195 --> 00:21:46,755
but the head has been traced.
372
00:21:46,755 --> 00:21:50,115
The head has not been traced,
thank you very much.
373
00:21:50,115 --> 00:21:53,395
Tracing? Tracing?
374
00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:57,355
As we all know, Mrs Kite,
the head of the art department,
375
00:21:57,355 --> 00:22:00,035
does not see tracing
as real drawing.
376
00:22:00,035 --> 00:22:02,995
Therefore this Caran D'Ache
abomination must be taken
377
00:22:02,995 --> 00:22:05,395
as the enemy.
378
00:22:05,395 --> 00:22:07,755
Right, then, one, two, there, four,
379
00:22:07,755 --> 00:22:11,035
these are numbers, ignore those,
380
00:22:11,035 --> 00:22:12,195
and fire!
381
00:22:12,195 --> 00:22:13,635
EXPLOSION
382
00:22:13,635 --> 00:22:15,275
Ah! Pele!
383
00:22:15,275 --> 00:22:19,115
Violence, just like on
the battlefield when I was young.
384
00:22:19,115 --> 00:22:21,115
Erections everywhere.
385
00:22:21,115 --> 00:22:22,835
Pele!
386
00:22:24,115 --> 00:22:25,715
WHISTLE BLOWS
387
00:22:25,715 --> 00:22:27,755
Pele, come back, please!
388
00:22:27,755 --> 00:22:31,515
Pele, you don't understand, I've had
enough an offer from Daran Cache.
389
00:22:31,515 --> 00:22:34,555
Well, not an offer, but he gave me
his business car, pretty racy.
390
00:22:34,555 --> 00:22:37,835
Pele, please! Pele, don't leave me!
391
00:22:37,835 --> 00:22:39,075
He's good at running, isn't he?
392
00:22:39,075 --> 00:22:42,395
Yeah, he's great at running,
he's gone now, for ever.
393
00:22:42,395 --> 00:22:45,075
That was my masterpiece.
Hang on a minute.
394
00:22:45,075 --> 00:22:47,395
There he is down there in the jungle.
Look!
395
00:22:47,395 --> 00:22:49,075
Ha-ha!
396
00:22:50,995 --> 00:22:54,275
Look at him weaving in and out
of the bracken, he's so balletic,
397
00:22:54,275 --> 00:22:56,395
he hasn't spilt a drop of that tea.
398
00:22:56,395 --> 00:22:58,915
Look, he's gone right down
to the corner flag.
399
00:22:58,915 --> 00:23:00,475
Pele, cross it, Pele!
400
00:23:05,355 --> 00:23:07,355
Oh, it was the saucer!
401
00:23:08,475 --> 00:23:10,675
Or was it?
402
00:23:16,755 --> 00:23:20,555
? Got to go now
It's the end of the show
403
00:23:20,555 --> 00:23:25,035
? Bye-bye, now
It's the end of the show
404
00:23:25,035 --> 00:23:27,395
? Come back
next for another show
405
00:23:27,395 --> 00:23:29,715
? You gotta come back
For another show bye-bye
406
00:23:29,715 --> 00:23:30,715
? Baby, bye-bye
407
00:23:32,195 --> 00:23:33,195
? Baby, bye-bye
408
00:23:34,275 --> 00:23:38,235
? Baby, bye-bye
Baby, bye-bye, whoa! ?
409
00:23:38,285 --> 00:23:42,835
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