Original subtitles

Hey Tim, Tim I got a surprise for dinner.

The one earthly delicacy I'll miss

when I get back to Mars.

Hot corned beef.

Tim? Tim? Tim where are you?

(exlposion)

Oh Tim?

- What?

- Where were you?

- Oh, I was doing a little research.

- I smell smoke.

- Where? Where?

- Right here.

Tim, you were using my cathode ray

centrifugal time breaker scope.

- Well all right, so I did a little

snooping into history.

It's not like peeking into the next car

at a drive-in movie.

- But that machine is not for frivolous purposes.

- Frivolous purposes?

This is my first book, an historical novel.

- Well that's fine, but was it necessary

to use my time machine for research?

- Well do you think it's being sneaky

to write from actual experience?

- Don't you realize that when you go back in time

one wrong move and you can change

the destiny of people today?

- Do you mean, if I played my cards right

300 years ago, today I could be Richard Burton?

(audience laughs)

- Tim, your sense of humor leaves something to be desired.

A sense of humor.

- Uncle Martin will you please relax?

Now why don't you watch an early movie or something?

Believe me, my only contribution to history

was a C plus in college.

(audience laughs)

- [Radio] And we're happy to report that there were

clear skies and balmy breezes from one end of

the United States to the other.

From the sunny shores of California

to the grass green coast of New Jersey.

Yes, the entire nation was basking in beautiful weather,

and-- (knob clicking).

- Tim, did you hear that?

- Well sure, we're gonna have clear weather

from coast to coast for a change.

What's the matter has our smog made you

allergic to fresh air?

- I'm referring to his description of the United States.

It starts at California and stops at New Jersey.

- Well that's ridiculous, it goes clear to New York.

- Doesn't it?

- It used to. It's supposed to.

Where did you go with that time machine?

- Well I was, I was just doing a little research

on the sale of Manhattan.

You see in my novel--

- Nevermind the novel.

You were back to 1626 in the New Netherlands, right?

- Well, yeah, you see the Indians were selling

Manhattan to the Dutch for $24.

Actually it was 60 Guilders.

- Obviously through something you said or did,

you prevented that sale from ever being consummated.

Tim, New York doesn't belong to the United States,

thanks to you.

- If we don't tell anybody, you think they'll notice?

(audience laughs)

(spacy music)

(beeping)

(upbeat music)

- But I was so careful Uncle Martin,

I didn't even take off my hat

because I thought, well, some Pilgrim

might get thrown by my contemporary haircut.

- There weren't any Pilgrims there.

But obviously you threw something.

A monkey wrench into history.

Well since you apparently don't remember

what you did, we'll have to look deeper.

- In the closet?

- Through your subconscious.

Sit down, please.

- Well, what's that for?

I feel like a Los Angeles Ram wired for sound.

- Not just sound, Tim. Sound and pictures.

I'm going to give you a painless subliminal current

that will allow you to see and hear your

forgotten experience on the set here.

- My subconscious on television?

I hope it's closed circuit.

- Now when I give you the signal,

concentrate on only one thing, Manhattan island.

The year is 1626, Peter Minuit is about to

make his trade with the Indians, now.

(fantasy harp music)

You may open your eyes now, Tim,

and see what actually happened.

- And so, I Peter Minuit, Director General

of the Providence of New Netherlands

in return for these goods, valued at 60 Guilders,

do hereby accept the deed of this territory,

known as the island of Rock.

- And me, Chief Great Buffalo, leader of tribe, say yes.

Me make smart bargain, huh?

- Well, to be perfectly honest about it,

I've heard of take me to your leader,

this is one time I think the leader's being took.

- You mean?

- Well, 60 Guilders.

I'd just say it's a real steal.

(audidience laughs)

- Steal?

(dramatic music)

You try to steal island?

- Now chief, wait.

I think you're getting a completely wrong idea.

(magical tune)

(television clicks)

- You see now how a little thing can change history?

- That wasn't a little thing.

That was a big thing.

My mouth.

Listen Martin, I feel awful.

- Not as awful I'm sure as the residents

of Manhattan will feel if this isn't rectified immediately.

Tim, we've got to make a fast trip.

- To New York?

- Correct.

But then it was known as New Netherlands.

Time, 1626. Place, Peter Minuit's meeting house.

- You mean we have to return to the scene of my crime?

(dramatic fantasy music)

(audience laughs)

- Well, that was a fast answer.

- The machine needs adjustment.

We're five minutes late, that means trouble.

You hide, here I'll see what's going on in there.

- Chief, the Crown needs this territory.

- Me no care what Crown needs.

Me trust you. You tried to cheat me.

- What, (sputters) no chief.

- We no longer friends.

You forget my invitation to come my teepee next moon

for barbecue frog bellies.

- Chief, chief, Great Buffalo, Great Buffalo,

you have been misunderstood.

Chief!

- What do I do now?

We were counting on this territory.

We even had the name for it, New Amsterdam.

- All set Uncle Martin.

- Good, come along Tim.

No, no, no, no, no, he might recognize you.

How would you like a little Dutch goatee?

- How about a little Dutch girl, instead?

(magical whirling tone)

(audience laughs)

- Good, let's go.

- Hmm, well I wouldn't say good.

But let's go.

(audience laughs)

(knocking at door)

- Come in!

- Mr. Minuit, we're merchants just arrived

on the latest boat.

- It's the one I'll be taking home, sure.

- Crown recalls me to Holland,

and my wife will start making my life miserable again.

Her nose is sensitive to flowers.

And everywhere you look, tulips!

(audience laughs)

- Well perhaps we could be of assistance,

if it's a problem in trade.

Well business is our business.

- No, it's too late yet.

I had this territory purchased,

and some idiot stuck his nose in.

You look familiar. Did I ever see you before?

- I don't think so.

- Were you ever in Rotterdam?

Utrecht?

- Oh you wouldn't know him.

He's from a town far from there.

- Very far.

(audience laughs)

Very far.

(audience laughs)

- I think that the sale was set.

The land was ours.

That's the only reason I came here,

to build colonies.

Why else would a man be insane enough to

travel with the waves and seasickness?

And just because some numbskull

couldn't keep his mouth shut.

We aught to post a reward.

10 Guilders for catching him.

Dead or alive!

- But that's not going to help.

- Perhaps if we spoke to Great Buffalo.

- No! He's a stubborn man.

Well I can be just as stubborn.

I wouldn't take this stupid island now

even if he gave it to me.

Who needs it? It's all rock.

Tell him it's terrible.

Of course, we can go west.

The Indians can have it.

- No, no, no they can't.

- Who says so? What can you grow from rock?

Arrowheads.

- But see, that isn't the point.

- Are you sure I didn't meet you in Utrecht?

- Nein.

- But Mr. Minuit, this is not a useless piece of land.

It's a place that can be the start of a great nation.

- A nation? A nation serve people.

All you can get here is seagulls.

- But you're not using your imagination

and thinking ahead.

50, 100, 300 years from now, visualize it.

A teeming metropolis that is the commercial hub

of a vast country.

A small portion of land with the greatest

concentration of wealth in the world.

Providing homes and jobs for millions of people.

- I can see it. I can see it.

- Uh, what did you see there, hmm?

- (laughs) Uh, nothing, nothing.

If I told you, you wouldn't believe it.

(audience laughs)

You're such a good salesman I'll

let you talk to the great Buffalo,

but he's only got 'til sundown.

If he doesn't come to me by then,

ready to make the sale, forget it!

- We'll go and see the great chief immediately.

And let's hope we succeed, for the future of all concerned.

- You are positive, you've never been in Rotterdam?

- Oh nein. Nein, nein, nein, nein.

(audience laughs)

- Nein? Nein?

- Why you so stubborn?

I no sell island to that cheater Minuit.

Now I have great dowry here for some young brave

who going to make you his wife.

- I not marry just anybody.

- Why not? Anybody is somebody.

You no papoose no more.

Moons passing pretty fast.

- I am princess.

- Pretty soon you just be old Indian maid.

- I wait for brave who is handsome.

Courageous?

Strong?

(audience laughs)

- You just going to wait?

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, can't I get rid of this now?

(magical tone)

- Greetings Great Buffalo.

- Greetings.

- I do not wish to intrude on the great chief

but I come have a short powwow.

- Not bad.

- We have powwow. You sit. I get pipe.

(playful music)

- If you like Great Buffalo

we can speak in your native tongue.

- You know language of my people?

You not only know language,

you got dialect perfect.

(audience laughs)

- Well I'm a little rusty on the vowels.

- Only man who know ways of people

is brave of my tribe or blood brother.

- [Martin] As a matter of fact, I am a blood brother.

I became one about 50 years, ah,

(clears throat) moons ago.

- [Chief Buffalo] No! Oh this sure small world.

- Thank you.

- You like?

- Yes, yes, this is just what I've always wanted.

(audience laughs)

Uh, let's see if maybe I don't have

a little something for you.

- Great Buffalo like you.

- Enough to listen to some advice?

- I would be fool not to listen, and me no fool.

- No brave in his right scalp could think that.

No Great Buffalo, you are a great chief.

And that's why it's my advice

that you keep your word to Peter Minuit.

- Minuit? Him bad. Him try cheat Great Buffalo.

- No, no. He did not try to cheat you.

It was just a misunderstanding.

He's an honorable man.

- Well, you wise. You say he good man.

But me not sure if he good man.

(Tim screaming)

(chaotic music)

- Little Feather act like princess.

- Me give him beads.

Him give me this.

- You gave her that?

- Well it's just a key chain.

- Tim when she put that around your neck,

she was proposing.

And when you gave her a gift in return, you accepted.

- But...

- Me give you fine buffalo skins for dowry.

- But I, I can't.

- You get all special teepee with running creek.

- I can't accept.

- And that not all.

Best part of dowry, your special own hunting ground,

just for you.

Oh, lucky we don't sell.

Now island belong to son-in-law.

(audience laughs)

Welcome to tribe.

- How did I get into this?

No, no, no, let me rephrase the question.

How can I get out of it?

- Well at this moment I'm more concerned about

this historical ramifications of he situation

than about your personal problems.

- The world already has plenty of history

but there's only one me.

- For which the world may be duly thankful.

- I'm sorry. I goofed and I'm sorry about it.

But New York is just one little state.

There's gonna be 49 more.

So couldn't we just take the time machine

and go home and forget the whole thing?

- No not at all.

The Indians will doubtless massacre the settlers

in reprisal for your jilting their princess,

it would be a disaster.

- Oh, What are you going to call it

if I have to marry Little Feather?

- An historical error, which we can not permit to happen.

We must prevent the wedding and consummate

the sale of Manhattan to Minuit before sundown.

- Oh that's a great idea.

Especially the part about preventing the wedding.

- I wonder if Little Feather ever did

find a bridegroom.

Assuming it wasn't you.

- What do you mean?

- I mean let's take a look into the future.

- [Tim] Who's that?"

- His name is Young Deer, he will marry Little Feather.

He will become a great chief.

He is courageous, he is wise in counsel.

- But why does he want to marry Little Feather?

- He is also near-sighted.

(audience laughs)

- I guess that let's me off the hook then.

She can't marry me, she's gonna marry him.

- Unless of course she is a widow.

- A, a what?

- Historically he isn't due here for six months.

Anything could happen in that length of time.

- Oh come on, you got to do something.

I'm too young to die.

I haven't even been born yet.

- I hesitate to tamper with history,

however under the circumstances perhaps I'd better.

I'll dry to find Young Deer and bring him back here in time.

Stall the wedding as long as possible.

- I will. I will. You know I will.

- Goodbye Tim.

- Eat, my future husband.

- What is it?

- I cook myself. Lizard neck.

- No scorpion's tongue?

(audience laughs)

- Oh, that my best dish!

Oh we have happy marriage.

I really get live one.

(audience laughs)

(sputtering) Greetings my son-in-law to be, you get up.

Leave him alone.

Now we make you ready for wedding ceremony.

- Oh it'll be a long time before I'm ready, Chief.

- Oh no. You be ready pretty quick.

She work very fast.

- Yeah, but is she good?

You wouldn't want me to show up at my own wedding

with a messy paint job, would you?

- You not worry.

She put on wedding paint just right for ceremony.

That very important.

- It is? Um wolf, wolf, look! Wolf!!

- Oh wolf no come so close to camp.

Bear maybe, but no wolf.

You fix face right!

- Me already fix face.

- Then you do better if you want to keep job.

Ahh.

- Ohh

- Oy.

(audience laughs)

I hate to tell you this, Chief,

but the bonnet is too loose.

- Me fix.

- She fix.

- (Tim screams in pain) You're choking my forehead.

- Now fit good and tight.

- Thanks for the headache.

- You're welcome.

- Now we ready.

- No wait, Chief, wait.

Don't you think we aught'a just wait, and see if

someone doesn't show from my side of the family?

(drum beating)

(shaker shaking)

- Me think me never see this day.

Wedding soon. When drums stop.

- When drums stop?

- Wedding begin.

- Would you excuse me for a second?

Say, that's a pretty mean beat, Hiawabe,

mind if I sit in? Thank you.

(drums beating)

- Drums stop.

Wedding ceremony to begin.

(scream)

- But I have another number.

I didn't know when to come in. Fellas?

- Wait, oh mighty Chief, I've brought another guest.

A mighty warrior from the north.

- Uncle Martin am I glad to see you.

- Sorry I'm late, but Young Deer was on a

hunting expedition and we had to stop to kill

three mountain lions.

- You beautiful.

- Me?

(audience laughs)

- Oh you real live one.

- Me love you. Never love anybody else.

You marry me?

Me not even want dowry.

- Oh this my day.

But I can't marry you if--

- Ooh, no ifs about it. Come on boys, let's start the drums.

I'm sure that you and Young Deer will have

many years of happiness, not to mention Tim.

Now, we can also take care of one other matter

before sundown.

- Stop.

Tribal law say when two braves want same princess,

must do battle.

Now wedding more fun, we have big fight

to see who win hand of Little Feather.

- I take either one.

- Oh, you're a doll.

Well this is just great. If he wins, I get killed.

If I win, I get her. Either way, I lose.

Remember the old adage Tim,

"Where there's light, there's hope."

Hope? Do you know what the odds are

against me, against him?

Roughly 9.827,421.

- Well let's face it, I can't handle him alone.

- I know, but that's going to be a problem.

Minuit is leaving at sundown,

which will be in 15 minutes.

- Fight, begin.

(perilous music)

(Tim screams)

- H'ya.

Now look I'm getting angry.

I don't want to have to unleash my strength.

(mystical wavering tone)

I wish I knew how I did that.

- You get wedding paint.

We fix son-in-law again.

(suspenseful music)

- Mar, Mar, Mar, Martin!

(mystical wavering music)

- Battle of mighty warriors over.

Both equal. Nobody win.

That must mean I'm still alive.

- Yeah, and that may be only temporary.

- Tribal law say Little Feather have only one husband.

Still do not know which warrior get her,

or which one get burned in fire.

- Maybe the great warrior spirit

can influence the decision.

- Yeah. Huh? Who?

- The great warrior spirit. Me.

- Aw now, come on Uncle Martin, you can't leave me alone.

I'm out of the frying pan, but I'm still over the fire.

- [Martin Voiceover] Oh hear me mighty chief.

Great Buffalo, hear me and obey.

- Who speak? Who say Great Buffalo's name?

- [Martin Voiceover] It is I, great warrior spirit,

giver of wisdom, speaker of truth.

- You great warrior spirit?

You supposed to talk on wind.

How come you make personal appearance?

- [Martin Voiceover] Too important decision for

mortal Indian to make without help.

I, great warrior spirit,

command Little Feather marry Young Deer.

- I thank you great spirit.

- [Martin Voiceover] Now you release courageous

young man who fight so bravely.

- Oh, thank you Uncle, um, ah, great spirit.

- It shall be done.

- [Martin Voiceover] One more thing.

You go to Minuit's house right now,

fast, before sundown.

Sell him island of rock.

- Me knew it. No.

Him cheat. No!

(explosion)

- Does Chief Great Buffalo defy great warrior spirit?

- No, don't stand there, give me dowry.

- I Peter Minuit, Director General,

do hereby accept this deed

of the territory known as the island of rock.

- Well I guess congratulations are in order.

It's finally been sold.

- Yeah, congratulations to you too chief,

you finally got your 60 Guilders.

And I finally got me.

And congratulations to you too Mr. Minuit.

You got yourself a real steal.

- Thank you.

I almost didn't because of, you!

- Tim, the time machine!

(exciting music)

(gun shot)

- (coughs) Well the next time

I take a trip I think I'll check with my travel agent.

- Ah, there we agree.

- Yeah the next time I write a novel

I can tell you one thing.

It is not going to be historical.

- Well I don't like to discourage creativity,

but there we agree again.

- No, I'm through with history.

As a matter of fact, the next novel I write,

I think I'll write about the future.

Yeah, why not?

Uncle Martin, if I could just...

Well, like they say,

what's wrong with the present?

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)