Original subtitles

(cheerful music)

- Hey is there something wrong with your um, um, um.

- It's a molecular reassembler

and yes there's something wrong with it, it doesn't work.

(audience laughing)

- Oh I'm sorry,

I didn't mean to ask an embarrassing question.

- Oh well I'm sorry too Tim,

I didn't mean to be short with you.

It's just that this bleak machine is being obstinate.

(beeping)

- What was that?

- What was what?

- I thought I heard a bleep.

- Oh that's a martian word meaning, if I had to do it

over again, I never would've started in the first place.

(audience laughing)

- That's a pretty handy word to have in your vocabulary.

- At moments like these, even bleep is inadequate.

(tinkling music)

(audience laughing)

- It's working again.

- It was supposed to turn into a lampshade.

(audience laughing)

(silly music)

(audience laughing)

- What was that supposed to be?

- Well I was trying to restore it

to its original form as a glass tumbler.

- I think you'd better go back to the aspirin.

I have a feeling you're gonna have a headache.

- That's the trouble, I never know

what's gonna happen when I turn it on.

- Well if I don't get to the office

pretty soon I know what'll happen to me.

I'll turn into an unemployed reporter.

(audience laughing)

But it's amazing that a simple little gadget like this

can make such changes.

(dramatic music)

Uncle Martin there was a squirrel.

(audience laughing)

- Tim, I wish you wouldn't do that.

- I dropped my pecan.

(audience laughing)

- Bleep.

(dramatic fantasy music)

(cheerful music)

- What happened?

Where's my fur?

- Well now just take it easy, you see.

- Wait a minute, this isn't how

squirrels look under their fur.

And my tail is gone.

(audience laughing)

What's going on?

- Well there was slight accident.

Do you see this machine?

- Little accident, huh?

Well boy I'll say one thing,

all the nuts aren't in the trees.

Well don't just stand there, do something.

- Uncle Martin he's freezing.

- Well I'll just reassemble the molecules of that blanket.

(magical whirling tone)

There.

- My wife isn't gonna like this.

(audience laughing)

- Oh great, that's all we needed was a hen pecked squirrel.

- You're being presumptuous.

Remember it was our doing that brought him

into our house as a guest in the first place.

- A guest?

- Please accept our apologies

if we have inconvenienced you at all.

- Inconvenienced me?

That's just like you human beings.

Step all over somebody and then say

you're sorry you've inconvenienced them.

It so happens I have a family.

What are they gonna say when I

show up tonight looking like this?

(audience laughing)

- Would you excuse us for a minute?

- Not unless you change my back I won't.

- Just, just for a minute, please.

Um.

Uncle Martin, he can't stay here.

- Well what do you suggest, that we build him a treehouse?

(audience laughing)

- I suggest that you fix that, that, mo mo mo.

- Molecular reassembler.

- Yes, yes, change him back into a squirrel.

- An excellent suggestion.

Obvious but excellent.

There's only one problem, I haven't found out yet

the source of the machine's malfunction.

- Well look, can't you do it with your finger?

I mean I've seen you point to things

and change them just by uh.

(whistling)

(audience laughing)

- Molecular reconstruction by digital levitation

is only temporary.

It wouldn't last more than few hours.

- Oh that's great.

Well what if somebody walks in here and sees him

the way he looks right now?

They'll think he's a fugitive from a blanket factory.

(audience laughing)

- Well at the moment I'm less concerned

about that than the time factor.

- What time factor?

- Well if I don't have the molecular reassembler repaired in

eight hours, his atomic structure will be permanently set.

- You mean?

He'll be like that permanently?

- Yes, that's precisely what I mean.

- Oh that's swell, that's just swell.

Well how long do you think he can?

(audience laughing)

Hey, hey, hey.

(whistling tone)

(audience laughing)

- That's it, that's right, brute force,

that's the way you human beings get everything, brute force.

All the time pushing us little guys around

just because you're bigger and stronger.

You oughta be ashamed of yourself

that's what you oughta be, ashamed, you oughta be

ashamed of yourself both of you, that's the truth.

(audience laughing)

- I'm truly sorry I had to do that,

but it was a matter of necessity.

- Who's, who's necessity?

Yours or mine?

- Admittedly my own.

- There you see, yours.

When you change me into this I dropped

a great big beautiful pecan.

That pecan was just as important to me

as it is to you that people don't find out you're a martian.

- You mean you know?

- Of course I know.

I know a few things about you too,

like last Wednesday night when that girl was up here.

You told her.

- Nevermind!

I know what I told her.

- Yes, you oughta be ashamed of yourself,

that's what you oughta be, ashamed.

- Well if there's anything I can't stand

it's a blabbermouth squirrel.

- Unfortunately Tim, he is in the right and we are wrong.

We have disturbed the even tenor of his life.

- Oh well he's thrown a few clinkers into ours,

you know that don't you?

- Nevertheless, we have no choice

but to employ friendly persuasion.

We can't force him to cooperate.

(squirrel chirping)

- Honey I can explain everything.

It's my wife.

I told you she wasn't gonna like this.

Honey don't worry.

- Good morning madam.

(squirrel chirping)

Madam I assure you there was no thought of deceiving you.

This unfortunate situation was entirely unpremeditated.

And I have every intention

of correcting it as quickly as possible.

Yes, yes, your husband's already apprised us of his family

responsibilities and I can only say that I shall see to it

personally that none of you suffer during his absence.

(squirrel chirping)

Well of course if you feel that's necessary.

- Don't worry dear, I'll be right here.

(cheerful music)

- What was all that about?

- Well she feels that it would only be fair

for us to support the family

while her husband is in his present condition.

They're moving in with us.

- The whole family?

- Yes.

- Oh well that's great.

That's just what this community needs.

A family boarding house, rooms with nuts.

(audience laughing)

- Oh yoo hoo Tim.

Did you hear the wonderful news?

- Well uh, no Mrs. Brown I just got home from work.

- Well Captain Warton was suddenly taken very ill.

- That's wonderful news?

- Oh well not for Captain Warton of course,

but it's a perfectly marvelous break for Bill Brennan.

- Well I've always said that Brennan

deserves every break he can get.

* Happy one

* Happy one

- Oh that's beautiful, just beautiful Bill.

- Oh Lorelei you're to kind.

- I was just thinking the same thing.

- What were you rehearsing for Lieutenant?

Pain?

- No Tim, that's what I was trying to tell you,

Captain Warton got sick, so they put Bill

in charge of the police follies tonight.

You remember, you bought tickets from Bill.

- Oh yes I remember.

My arm still hurts from the twisting.

- Oh he did no such thing, you're just saying that.

It's for a very worth charity and there'll be

some marvelous entertainment and talent there.

- Especially now that I'm in charge.

I've added three more solos for myself,

next to closing of course.

- Wouldn't right after closing be better.

- O'Hara someday you will go too far and I hope it's soon.

- Tim is just teasing.

Now stop it Tim.

I've baked some fudge brownies and I want you

and Martin to come down and help us celebrate.

- Oh, oh, oh, well.

Don't look at me, it wasn't my idea.

- Um, um, well I, I, I don't know, know if we can Mrs. Brown

you see he's not feeling very well

and I don't think he'd be able to come down.

- Well then we'll come up there

just as soon as I take the brownies out of the oven.

- Oh well I wouldn't do that if I were you.

- Well of course you would Tim.

Otherwise your brownies would be burned to a crisp.

(audience laughing)

- What's the matter O'Hara?

All of a sudden you don't look too well.

- I have a funny feeling that

Uncle Martin and I are gonna be sick soon.

- Aww, nothing trivial I hope.

- Uncle Martin, we're in trouble.

(squirrels chirping)

(ominous music)

(audience laughing)

What are you doing up there.

- The way you charged in here, you frightened me.

You frightened everybody.

- Everybody?

What do you mean everybody?

- It's alright folks, he's harmless.

(cheerful music)

- Where did all these squirrels come from?

- They're my family.

Your uncle agreed to take care of us.

- Uh that's true.

But at the time I didn't realize that you were

contributing so heavily to the population explosion.

(audience laughing)

- You gotta get rid of 'em quick.

Mrs. Brown and Brennan are on their way up here.

- Up here, what for?

- Well Brennan has been put in charge of the police follies

and they're coming up here to celebrate.

- Coming up here to celebrate?

- Yes.

- That doesn't make sense.

- Mrs. Brown thought of it.

- In that case it doesn't have to make sense.

Your attention everybody please, your attention.

(loud whistling)

Quiet please, quiet fellas please.

Thank you, thank you very much.

We have a small crisis in the making.

However with your cooperation

I'm sure that it's nothing that we can't handle.

- Ah Lorelei I fail to understand why you insist

on celebrating my good fortune with the O'Haras.

The only thing I have in common

with them is a mutual distrust.

- That's a beginning Bill.

You should try to build on that foundation.

(audience laughing)

Lorelei wait.

- What is it?

- I just saw a squirrel jump out of

that tree into the O'Haras apartment.

- A squirrel?

Now why in the world would a squirrel go in Tim's apartment?

- Well obviously in search of squirrel food

and I must say he went to the right place.

- Oh Bill.

Come on, we'll be late.

- Now since you're too big to hide behind anything,

we'll merely introduce you as a friend

who is here on a short visit.

(squirrel chirping)

- Where have you been?

I was worried about you.

- Here they come.

- Nevermind that now.

We're about to receive some unwelcome visitors.

Quick madam quick, behind the fireplace.

I think there's room for one more.

- Yoo hoo, Martin, Tim, here we are.

Hello everybody.

- Oh hello Mrs. Brown, hi Lieutenant Brennan.

How are you, how are you?

Hi it's good to see you, hi.

- What are you so jumpy about O'Hara?

- He's excited about your good fortune.

As for myself I'm relieved.

- Relieved?

- Yes, awhile ago I thought someone

had taken ill when I heard the caterwauling.

I'm relieved it was only Brennan

exercising his vocal chords.

- I believe the 18th century poet William Shenstone

could've had you in mind when he said, "jealousy is the fear

"or apprehension of superiority,

"envy our uneasiness under it."

- Yes, yes, and a century before that an even greater

English poet William Shakespeare observed that,

"the empty vessel makes the greatest sound."

(audience laughing)

- Now boys just stop this bickering.

We're all friends here and if we're not, we should be.

Oh hello.

- Oh uh, uh, Lorelei may I present, may I present our friend

Mister uh, Mister uh, Mr. Squirrelton, Red Squirrelton.

Red, this is our very dear landlady Mrs. Brown.

- I've seen you before Mrs. Brown

and I think you're very nice for a human being.

(audience laughing)

- Oh well now aren't you the flatterer.

Just for that you get the very first fudge brownie.

Oh they're delicious.

The only reason I can say that is because

I made them myself and I certainly should know.

Here you are.

What in the world?

What's he doing?

- Well, well he's a very finicky eater Mrs. Brown.

- Oh.

Well I thought maybe he didn't like my brownies.

- Oh no ma'am they're delicious.

The best part is the shells are nice and soft so you don't

have to break your teeth getting to the nut meat.

(audience laughing)

- He has a marvelous sense of humor, don't you think?

Red, I'd like to introduce you to Lieutenant Brennan.

He's a policeman.

(knocking faintly)

- If you're looking for a secret panel,

you're wasting your time.

- As we were coming up here I saw

a squirrel jump in your window, O'Hara.

- Well he was probably trying to escape from your singing.

(audience laughing)

- Good chance Lorelei this place of theirs

is infested with squirrels.

(knocking faintly)

At one time I had squirrels in my attic.

- You sure it wasn't bats in your belfry?

- Very amusing O'Hara, juvenile but amusing.

They did a lot of damage Lorelei

before I could get rid of them.

To protect your investment here I suggest

you have this place inspected.

- Oh dear, do you really think I should?

- Most emphatically.

Those little beggars are very destructive.

- You oughta be ashamed of yourself

talking about squirrels like that!

It's people like you that go around cutting down trees

so they don't have anyplace to sleep and put their food

so they have to move into your old attics.

You think they like living in attics?

It's cold and drafty and half the time the roof leaks

when it rains, all you can think of is exterminating them,

you oughta be ashamed of yourself

that's what you oughta be, ashamed.

(audience laughing)

I have a good mind to report you to the SPCA.

(audience laughing)

- Shh, I think I heard something.

- Brennan the only squirrel in this place is you

and if you don't believe me why don't you search the place?

Why don't you start with that closet?

- Tim, Tim, Tim, no, no, no, no, no.

- Alright I will.

(silly music)

(audience laughing)

- My nut cup runneth over.

- They've been storing their nuts in there today.

- I knew there was something funny going on around here

the minute I saw that squirrel jump through that window.

Lorelei this is the worst infestation I have ever seen.

You get on that telephone

and call up the exterminator this very minute.

- The exterminator?

(dramatic music)

Your friend left without saying goodbye.

Is he coming back?

- I hope so Lorelei, for all our sakes,

not to mention his family.

I certainly hope so.

(dramatic fantasy music)

Tim here put that on that left antenna

while I do the right one.

- Gone, gone without a trace

Not just Red, but the entire family,

lock, stock, barrel, and nuts.

- Well we can hardly blame them Tim, once they got the idea

that an exterminator was on his way here.

Tim this is serious.

- Well yeah but wait 'til Red finds out

the molecular reassembler is working.

- The question is will he find out in time?

- [Tim] Hey there he is, quick tell him.

- Shh, you'll frighten him.

Red, Red listen to me, this is Martin O'Hara,

we're ready for you now.

- Oh no you don't, you're not gonna exterminate me,

I got a family to think about.

You go find somebody else to experiment on.

- He's running away.

Red wait!

- It's no use Tim, he doesn't trust us human beings

and I don't blame him.

You and I are going to have to join forces.

I can keep track of him with my built in TV scope,

but you're going to have to catch up with him and talk him

into coming back here and there isn't much time.

- Well I've never chased a squirrel up a tree before

but I'm willing to give it a try.

- Hurry Tim, time is running out.

- I just couldn't keep up with him.

I swear I've been up every nut tree in this town.

Look it's bad enough changing a squirrel into a man.

Well pretty soon you're gonna have to

change a man into a squirrel.

I just can't catch him.

If you pardon the expression, I'm up a tree.

- Tim listen, he's a man now with a man sized appetite.

- Huh?

- If you were a man in his shoes,

where would you go to get nuts?

- To a nut shop.

- Well?

- Ye Old Nut Shop.

- Right.

His keen sense of smell has picked up the aroma

of roasting nuts from Ye Old Nut Shop.

That's right in the neighborhood.

He's being drawn irresistibly to it.

Now if you hurry you can get there before he does.

And hurry Tim, we have only about half an hour left.

- Gotcha.

(cheerful music)

(audience laughing)

- Hi.

Can I help you?

- Uh uh.

Oh I do believe that this lady was in front of me.

- You were ahead of me.

- Oh, well, it doesn't matter, I was just looking.

- Just looking?

- For a friend.

A nut fancier.

Excuse me.

Uncle Martin, do you read me?

- [Martin] Loud and clear.

- Not so loud.

(audience laughing)

(silly music)

- [Martin] Tim can you hear me?

- Yes and shh.

- [Martin] He's coming, don't let him get away,

I'll be right there.

(cheerful music)

- Red.

(screaming)

(audience laughing)

It's me, Tim.

- What did you do that for?

You scared the wits out of me.

You people always go around scaring like that

just for the fun of it don't you?

You just enjoy seeing us jump and run

because you're bullies, admit it.

You enjoy it, don't you?

- He's a little nervous.

I'm sorry Red, I didn't mean to startle you.

Now come on down here.

- No.

- [Tim] Yes.

- No!

- Red, Uncle Martin has the you know what fixed.

- Yeah?

- Honest.

So if you just go back to the apartment with me.

- Oh no you don't.

You've got an exterminator up there.

- I give my word.

- Yeah, I see your scheme.

You just wanna cover up your mistakes by exterminating me.

Well I'm not going with you.

- You humor them, I'll call the police.

- I'm sorry about this,

I guess you think we're a couple of nuts.

- I like nuts, that's why I'm here.

I just love them.

- You do?

So do I.

This place is just beautiful.

I wish my wife could see it.

- Oh can I help you sir?

- Oh no thank you, I can manage.

- Now just a moment sir.

- Well no, no, it's, it's alright, I'll pay for them.

- Well how are you going to pay for them

when I don't know how many he's got?

I have to weigh them.

- You hear the lady Red?

Now you give her back the nuts

so that she can weigh them so that I can pay for them.

- What do you mean pay for them?

Nuts grow on trees, they belong to everybody.

- Sir these nuts do not belong to everybody,

these nuts belong to Ye Old Nut Shop

until such time as you pay for them.

- That's the trouble with people, they think

everything belongs to them just because they say so.

You don't want the rest of us to have a single solitary

thing unless it's something you don't want yourself.

- Uncle Martin, help.

Help.

- Mr. O'Hara?

- Yes, yes, I'm Martin O'Hara.

- Do you know these two characters?

- Why of course, this is my nephew Tim and a friend of his.

- [Policeman] Well this one claims he's a squirrel.

- Well officer I tried to explain about that.

- Mm hmm and your explanation didn't

make anymore sense than his explanation.

This one that says he's a squirrel keeps jumping

from counter to counter, like he's trying to prove it.

- Perhaps that was carrying it a bit too far, Red.

The fact of the matter is officer

that our friend here is a squirrel.

- Is that a fact?

- Mm hmm our friend is a squirrel,

Tim here is a squirrel, and I'm a squirrel.

Oh you've heard of the Beatles, the Animals, the Chipmunks.

Well I'd like to introduce you to the Squirrels.

(humming)

We're a new vocal group and we're trying to get

a little publicity for tonight's performance.

- Somehow I have a feeling the only place

you're gonna sing tonight is in a police station.

- Ah but Officer, Officer you can't do that,

Lieutenant Brennan is counting on us to perform

at the police follies and we're due there now.

- Bill Brennan?

- Of course.

- Is that a fact?

- Yes now, um goodbye officer, if you'll excuse us.

Wait a minute.

I'll drive you down there.

Red lights, sirens, the works.

- Oh that won't be necessary.

- Ah but I insist.

(upbeat music)

- How much time have we got?

- About five minutes and 31 seconds.

- Alright you fellas, hold it right here a minute.

Lieutenant Brennan, the Squirrels are here.

- Squirrels.

- Uh the vocal group, the Squirrels for the program tonight.

- I don't have any group called the Squirrels.

If it isn't my old friends the O'Haras.

What is going on?

- I'll find out as soon as I get

these three nuts down to the station.

- Quick Tim, Red, this way.

(dramatic music)

Follow me.

Don't follow me.

- How about out front?

- There are 4,000 policemen out there.

- Well with 300 cops backstage we haven't got any choice.

- This is the only safe place.

- Where?

- On stage.

- Why?

- The Squirrels are about to make their debut.

- Oh I can't sing.

I can't go in front of an audience.

- All you have to do is move your lips

and I'll take care of the rest.

(upbeat music)

* Camptown ladies sing this song

* Doo da doo da

* Camptown racetrack five miles long

* Oh doo dah day

* Going to run all night, going to run all day

* I'll bet my money on the bobtail nag

* Somebody bet on, somebody bet on, somebody bet on the bay

(audience applauding)

- Uncle Martin we're a smash.

- Hmm yes I'd counted on that.

- Ah ha will you listen to that applause.

We're the biggest thing since long haircuts.

You didn't?

- Of course I did, that was

the purpose of the entire operation.

- Red, ah come on Red will you just listen for a second?

We're a smash, you could have a porch

and you could have a house in Palm Springs, really.

A whole swimming pool full of nuts.

- Oh boys.

- Alright O'Hara what were you doing

running all over the place?

You're under arrest until I find out what you were up to.

- Bill how can you say that?

Why they're uh, how do you say it in show business?

A smash.

- I'll smash them alright.

- Brennan we were just trying to publicize the show for you

to help you get the money for the policeman's fund.

- Huh, a likely story.

- Brennan.

- Yes Captain?

- Brilliant show, introduce me.

Better still, make sure you arrange to have these

marvelous Squirrels at our departmental party next month.

- Uh, yes Captain.

O'Hara old buddy.

Where's Red?

- Red?

Oh he's gone.

- Gone?

- We, we broke up the act.

- Oh but you can't do that.

I promised the captain.

- Well that's showbiz.

(audience laughing)

(cheerful music)