Original subtitles

(bright, twinkling music)

- [Tim] Okay fella, here we go.

Atta boy.

(grunts)

Okay, okay.

Alright now listen, when Uncle Martin asks you

where you live, you tell him right?

And then after dinner I'll take you back to your master.

Okay?

(magical whirling tone)

(audience laughter)

(footsteps thud)

(twinkling fantasy music)

Home Uncle Martin, and I'd like you to meet my date

for this evening.

- Oh, good evening Tim, guest for dinner?

- Yeah.

What do you call that?

- Beautiful.

- Beautiful? That's one of my kitchen chairs,

the one with the even legs.

(audience laughter)

(steam whirring)

- Tim, what you you say if I told you your kitchen chair

was right here?

- You're putting me on.

That is my kitchen chair?

- Mm hmm, it is.

- Let's see you sit on it.

- You don't understand Tim.

But to give you an idea of what I've accomplished here,

I want you to think of a field of flowers.

- A field of flowers.

- Now, we condense every delicate blossom into a single

little bottle of perfume.

- Oh, oh.

Now that is perfume of kitchen chair.

- Exactly.

- It'll never sell.

(audience laughter)

(radar beeping)

(ascending piano)

(rapid radar beeping)

(dramatic fantasy music)

(magical whirling music)

- I suppose Tim you're aware that all things,

animal and vegetable, are composed mainly of water.

- Well, I've had times when my knees have turned to water.

- I've developed a method of miniaturizing and distilling

such things into a tiny fraction of their original volume,

and in liquid form.

I call it super-micro distillating liqui-chemi chosis.

- Super-micro distillating--

- Liqui-chemi chosis.

- Sounds like a song I've heard before.

- It's nothing so frivolous.

- Oh, of course not, it's for more important things,

like making kitchen chair juice.

- That was merely experimental.

(magical whirling tones)

(audience laughter)

You see you haven't lost a kitchen chair Tim,

you've merely lost a border.

- Lost a border?

- I intend to super-micro distillate, liqui-chemichosize

myself, down to half a cup of liquid, light enough

to escape earth's gravity in my spaceship,

and to return to Mars.

But I'll need a bit of help from you.

- Sure, anything I can do.

- I'll need you to pour the essence of me into a container,

place it aboard my spaceship, and launch me on my way.

- How soon do you think you'll be leaving?

- Tonight, as soon as I can have my ship ready.

I can't believe it Tim.

Tonight, I should be soaring toward that distant shore,

that seat of genius, that reddish gleam, that precious stone

set in the jewel-lit space, that blessed orb,

that happy isle, that monarch.

- That sounds like something that Shakespeare

wrote about England.

- Of course it does, from whom do you think he borrowed it?

(audience laughter)

- Uncle Martin you'll never get off the ground.

You're trying to take everything but the kitchen sink.

- I knew I left something.

(magical hovering tone)

- You mean to tell me you actually expect to get all that

junk into the spaceship?

- Certainly.

(magical whirling tones)

(audience laughter)

- Hey, how did you do that?

It looks like a half a pair of dice.

- Well it was quite simple really.

When your own earth scientists finally split the atom,

they too discovered it consisted mostly of space.

I merely removed that space.

Here, give me a hand with it will you?

- Sure.

(dramatic brass tones)

(audience laughter)

- Well I only removed the space Tim, not the matter itself.

(dramatic brass tones)

- Well I've heard of loaded dice, but this is ridiculous.

(audience laughter)

- I've already placed full instructions

for my reconstitution in the spaceship.

The special container to hold the liquid is ready.

And you know how to launch the ship.

- Uh huh.

- Now all that remains,

is super-micro distillating liqui-chemi chosis.

Super-micro distillating liqui-chemi chosis,

Everything you put in it comes out in liquid doses.

* A chair, a man, a house

* Or just a bunch a roses

* Super-micro distillating liqui-chemi chosis

(audience laughter)

- Tim.

- Now I know where where Mary Poppins got that.

- This time you're wrong Tim.

Spercalifragilisticexpialidociou is entirely original

with her, but isn't is a remarkable coincidence?

- Well I guess I was just joking around because,

well I hate to say goodbye.

- But it's not necessary for you to say goodbye Tim.

You see I've read your mind and I know how you feel

about my leaving.

I'm a little sad too.

But, I'll be dropping in from time to time.

Tim, uh that little jar over there,

would you hand it to me please?

- Sure.

- Now, this is the stuff that does the liquifying,

a rare Martian ore called narishkeit.

(steam whirring)

- Hey Uncle Martin?

Hold it I forgot to get your address!

(magical twinkling tone)

I guess I blew it.

I suppose I can write to him care of jungle delivery,

to Mars.

(audience laughter)

Well fella, if you ever want a place to stay, this is it.

They'll be plenty of room now.

Oh I forgot, I left the cosmic ray-proof container

down in the garage, be right back.

Uncle Martin, don't go away.

(audience laughter)

(dramatic fantasy music)

(audience laughter)

(dramatic fantasy music)

Uncle Martin?

(ascending dramatic music)

(audience laughter)

Uncle Martin?

- [Dog] Uncle Martin indeed,

or should I say Uncle Martin in dog?

- Uncle Martin, that's you.

- [Dog] Who were you expecting, Lassie?

Of course it's me, the instant this flea transport

lapped up my essence,

it went directly to his intellectual center and I took over.

- Well, we've gotta get you out of there.

- [Dog] I suppose you know how?

- Well, couldn't you just ah, ah?

- [Dog] No I couldn't just ah, ah.

I'd end up with my essence, mixed with the dog's.

I have to find a way to completely separate the two.

I'd like to know what's so funny.

- I'm talking to a dog, the dog is talking back to me.

It's kinda wild.

- [Dog] And when I solidified, I expected to home on Mars.

- Right now, you'd be a sensation on TV.

(audience laughter)

(light twinkling music)

Uncle Martin I'm back.

(low dramatic music)

(magical twinkling tones)

- Well I see you got the answer.

- [Dog] How did you know?

- Your tail is wagging.

- [Dog] Well you're right Tim, I have found it,

a simple way to liquify the dog, separate the two essences,

mine and his, and reconstitute them individually.

- Oh, it won't hurt the pup will it?

- [Dog] Tim what do you take me for?

Of course not, now if you could run over to

a chemical company,

I'll need a pint of aleosto-methylethene 16.

- Right, aleosto-methylethene 16.

- [Dog] Right, one pint.

Well that equation seems to be correct.

Oh my, that should be aleosto-methylethene 15, not 16.

Tim, Tim, wait, I made a mistake.

Tim wait, it isn't 16 Tim, it's 15.

Tim.

(ascending flutes)

Tim, wait Tim.

Blazing meteorites.

(audience laughter)

(low dramatic flutes)

(dramatic brass music)

- Uncle Martin I'm back.

Hey listen that stuff doesn't come in a 16,

it only comes in a 15.

Well at least that's what I brought, if it doesn't work

I can always take it back.

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

Yoo-hoo, Uncle Martin?

(low dramatic music)

(footsteps thudding)

Hey Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin?

(audience laughter)

(whistling)

Uncle Martin, hey.

(audience laughter)

Uncle Martin?

(whistling)

(dramatic fantasy music)

(dogs barking)

- No Glenys, will you listen to your poor husband please?

I've got to get away some place quiet.

I need a complete rest.

Today I've been hearing voices.

Huh, what do you mean you've been hearing vo--

You've been hearing voices too.

I've been hearing voices where there are no voices.

I was sure I heard voices, I went over to one of the cages,

I thought somebody was in there, there was nobody in there

but some barking dogs.

I'm telling you I'm crackin up Glenys.

Look at my hand shaking, will ya shut up and look?

(dogs barking)

- Oh uh, I'm sorry excuse me.

(audience laughter)

(dramatic whirling tones)

Uncle martin?

(audience laughter)

(whistling)

(ascending dramatic music)

Excuse me.

- What?

- Sorry I didn't mean to startle you like that.

- It's not your fault, it's just that I've been having

a terrible day, I've been hearing

nothing but voices behind me.

I've been afraid to turn around

and see nothing but dogs again.

- Oh I'm sorry to hear that,

no I'm not.

You say you've been hearing nothing but voices?

And every time you turned around,

there was nothing but dogs?

- It's eerie.

- Would you say it sounded like

a man?

- Yeah yeah, that's right, you been hearing them too?

- Well let's just say that if you were to show me

the same dogs, I might just hear the same voices.

- You mean you wanna, on purpose?

- That's how I get my kicks.

(audience laughter)

- There are the cages, be my guest, live.

(audience laughter)

- That's it huh, that the only one?

- All except one, Too-Too.

- One, Too-Too? That a license number?

- No, one is the number, Too-Too is the name.

Little brown and white mutt, cute,

keeps running away.

- Yeah what happened to him?

- Picked up by the lady who owns him.

- Picked up by the lady who owns him?

- Bout an hour ago.

- Mamma Mia.

(dramatic whirling tone)

(dramatic fantasy music)

- Oh my poor darlin, oh my poor little sweetheart.

Did you miss your Mommy?

Your Mommy missed little Too-Too.

I'm so happy he's back safe and sound (smooch).

And now, let me see you sit up and beg for Mommy.

Up, Too-Too up.

And now this is for you,

a doggy yummy.

(audience laughter)

And now, Mommy's gonna fix baby his favorite dinner,

raw liver.

- [Dog] Raw liver, I've not only got to reach Tim,

he's got to get me out of here before dinner.

(magical whirling tone)

(audience laughter)

(rotary dialing sounds)

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Uncle Martin where are you?

Where?

Yeah, well that's right in the neighborhood.

Uh huh.

- [Dog] Well then please hurry Tim,

you can't imagine what I've been going through.

And she does nothing but hug me and kiss me all the time,

she's mad about me, I have to say goodbye Tim, just hurry.

(magical whirling tone)

(door thuds open)

(dramatic matador music)

- [Man] Ah Ha!

(audience laughter)

(dramatic music)

Darling you're home and look who's here?

- I'm lookin, where?

- He's right here, say hello to Too-Too.

- Not that cockroach, where's loverboy?

Ahhhh!

Loverboy, Hector the Homewrecker,

I heard a man's voice in here.

- A man's voice in here?

- And don't say it was the TV set I heard.

I felt it and it's cold.

- Honey did you have a drink with the boys on your way home?

- You mean nobody's been here and nobody's here now?

- Only me and Too-Too.

Jealous?

(smooch)

- I could've sworn I heard a voice.

(barks excitedly)

- Look, he wants you to take him for a walk,

don't you Too-Too?

(excited bark)

Isn't that precious?

He wants to be right back, now don't keep him waiting honey.

- Why couldn't you have been born a Great Dane?

(magical whirling music)

- [Man] What's with you and my wife?

- Huh?

- Bernard have you lost your mind?

I've never seen that man before.

- Yeah well Too-Too seems to know him pretty good.

- Oh oh, well I can explain that, you know how a dog is

man's best friend?

- [Man] Yeah?

- I'm a dog.

- Now don't do anything you could be sorry for.

- Yeah, don't do anything I'll be sorry for.

- Now listen you, I got a phonographic memory,

I never forget a voice.

Now you say, "Hug me and kiss me."

Go ahead.

- Hug me and kiss me.

(audience laughter)

- Well you're not the voice I heard.

- I'm glad.

(audience laughter)

- Poor man are you alright?

Bernard you oughta be ashamed.

- Alright I'm sorry.

I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry and just to prove it

I'll buy whatever you're selling.

- Oh I'm not selling anything.

No no, I'm buying, I'd like to buy your dog.

- Oh that dog?

- Too-Too? He's not for sale.

- Oh well, how much?

- Bernard.

- Yeah, how much?

- Well, I can see how you are attached to the dog.

What would you think about,

about, $100?

$100? For that dog?

You must be kiddin.

- Well you certainly must be, Too-Too's not for sale.

- Two hundred.

- $200?

- 250.

- Bernard Too-Too is not for sale, not for any price.

- 275.

- 275, why don't you

let me talk to my wife for a minute huh?

- Oh Bernard you can't be serious, you just can't be.

I wouldn't sell my little Too-Too,

not for a million dollars.

- Alright keep your shirt on sweetheart, I wouldn't sell

a little mutt you love.

- Well then why're you even listening to that man?

- To find out what his angle is, something's funny here.

Nobody offers 275 bucks for a handful of flea bait.

- Fleas, Too-Too?

- Okay, alright, but what does he know that we don't?

- What do you mean?

- [Dog] I mean you needn't try to buy me.

- What am I supposed to do, just run out the door with you?

I'm not a dognapper.

- [Dog] Finesse dear boy, use finesse,

borrow me for a few hours, just ask, use a simple pretext.

That should be ample time to--

- Gwendolyn, did you hear what I heard?

- I heard what you heard if you heard what I heard.

- He talked, he talked, the dog talked he talked to you.

I heard him, he talked, hahaha.

- Maybe he had something to say.

- Sure that's it, it was his voice I heard when I came home.

Hey baby I have heard jokes about talking dogs,

but he's for real, we own a talking dog, he talks hahaha.

- All this time Too-Too and you never told us how could you?

- No wonder you offered so much for my little dog,

you knew all the time.

Thought you could steal gold mine from under my nose, huh?

- [Dog] (laughs) Really now?

You mean a grown man such as you,

can believe a dog, such as me, could actually talk?

- Well I gotta admit, I feel like I'm flippin out.

Well, look who I'm holding a conversation with.

(audience laughter)

- [Dog] Yes, with whom are you holding this conversation?

- Well, with you.

- [Dog] Bernard, may I call you Bernard?

- Sure pal.

- I think you ought to call him Daddy.

- Now hold on sweetheart, if he wants to call me Bernard

it's okay with me, you go ahead Too-Too.

- [Dog] Bernard, Gwendolyn, you've both just paid me

the highest tribute, a ventriloquist ever received.

- A, a ventriloquist.

(audience laughter)

- Oh, oh, surprising isn't it?

I mean, I'm surprised that you didn't catch on sooner.

(audience laughter)

- A, a ven, a ventriloquist.

- Well I didn't mean to fool you so completely.

- My Too-Too still isn't for sale.

- No I thought not but, I thought maybe I might borrow him.

- What for?

- You would ask that wouldn't you?

- Ventriloquist.

Wouldn't you know I'd have to have a dog that couldn't talk?

(audience laughter)

A ventriloquist, now, now just a minute Mr. Ventriloquist.

If it was his voice I heard through the door

when I came home, and he is only your dummy,

then what's with you and my wife?

(audience laughter)

- [Gwendolyn] Stop him!

- I'm trying.

(dramatic music) (Gwendolyn shrieks)

- [Dog] Tim, the moment I got out into the corridor,

I threw up a force-field designed to stop Frisbee's punch.

- Yeah, well he beat you to it.

- [Dog] I'm afraid dog paws aren't the most

efficient force-field levitators, forgive me Tim.

- No forget it, now let's see,

the micro is humming,

the distillater is burbling, now all we have to do

is add a little narishkeit.

- [Dog] Not too much narishkeit now, I'll need some

to liquify me for my flight home.

- Check, now all we have to do is add a little

aleosto-methylethene number 15.

That's to separate the men from the toys.

(audience laughter)

And a couple of ice cubes.

(ice cubes clunking)

Say you know a twist of lemon,

this would be a marvelous cocktail.

- [Dog] Well as they say on Madison Avenue,

you can help me get out of this pet thing

and into a cool Martin.

You may pour when you're ready Tim.

- Alrighty.

(steam whirring)

(dramatic magical tone)

Well that worked.

Now let's see if this works.

(dramatic magical music)

(twinkling magical tones)

(upbeat trumpet)

Uncle Martin, boy am I glad to see you.

- Ah Tim, you don't know how good it feels

to be a man again.

- Good I'd say, judging by the way your tail is wagging.

(dramatic fantasy music)

(audience laughter)

(Martin whimpers)

- Tim I think you forgot to clear the apparatus

before reversing it.

- And thereby, hangs a tail.

(audience laughter)

(magical fantasy music)

Well you both look alright, on the outside that is,

how do you feel?

- Well speaking for both of us, perfect.

- You don't have an urge to bark or anything?

- Well come to think of it,

I am suppressing an urge to howl.

- Oh no come on Uncle Martin you can't,

we haven't got any more narishkeit to liquify you with.

- Well that's what I'm suppressing a desire to howl about.

- Oh yeah, well I guess I sorta wiped out a chance

for you to go home didn't I?

- Well never mind, I'll find another way.

At any rate, one of us should make it home.

I'll get our little friend here back to Gwendolyn.

- Oh well, I'll take him.

- Oh I don't think it's advisable for you to bump into

a jealous Bernard again.

- Oh listen how bout you?

It's not gonna be any easier you know,

with his phonographic memory, what about your voice?

- Have no fear Tim, Bernard will never recognize my voice

disguised like this.

- No, but it sounds familiar to me.

Who's voice is that?

- Bernard's.

Hey listen Too-Too, you know what?

I think your Mommy has raw liver for your dinner tonight,

how would you like that?

(tempered bark)

Mm, that's what I thought, you don't like it very much.

(twinkling magical music)

(dramatic fantasy music)