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Hi, I'm Louis Smith and usually I'm an Olympic gymnast,
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but today I'm going to be a detective.
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I don't know who's been murdered,
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who the suspects are or what's going to happen to me.
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Wish me luck, I'm off to Successville.
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Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
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Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law,
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and when they do, I'm here to take them down.
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Around here they say detectives are like toilet plungers -
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no-one thinks they need one until they do.
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I'm DI Sleet, Homicide,
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and this is my life. Take it or leave it.
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Actually, would you mind leaving it?
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It's the only one I've got.
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I was asleep, dreaming I ran a successful dog-walking business
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and one of my regular customers was in, complaining.
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- Wake up!
- I didn't touch her.
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This is a police station, yes?
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Not the San Francisco doss house for enormous fucking layabouts!
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- I've got you some fresh blood.
- Like it.
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Oi, rookie, inside, quick as you can, please.
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- Hi, Sir.
- Hello, how are you?
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- I'm well, thank you.
- Yeah? Good. This is DI Sleet.
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He'll be taking you under his big, hairy, sweaty bingo wing,
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but don't get too comfy, because sooner or later,
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you're going to have to learn to walk on your own two bollocks.
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- You savvy?
- I'm good, thank you, yes.
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- Good.
- I feel good today.
- I'm glad to hear it, Chief. Take a seat.
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So, Louis Antoine Smith. Been reading your CV.
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It's pretty cool. Done a lot of shit in your life.
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- Thanks.
- But guess what?
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You ain't made of paper and ink.
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You're made of flesh and bones and fingers and hair and semen.
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True, very true statement.
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Can I keep this for my records?
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Yeah.
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- It's a nice picture.
- Thanks.
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Where's that black roll-neck from?
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Zara.
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Really nice bit of kit.
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So, are you in good shape now?
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I work out regularly, yeah. I think so.
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Do you think you could beat me in a press-up challenge?
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- Probably.
- OK, I like this.
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Let's do this, kid, let's go head-to-head. Are you ready?
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How many are we doing?
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205.
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OK.
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You count.
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One. Two. Are you OK?
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- I actually feel a bit of numbness in my left arm, is that right?
- Um...
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Oi, you two, stop sitting in a tree K-I-S-Yes-I-N-G
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and get down to Forensics double quick, there's been a murder,
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- yes? Lindsay Lohan.
- The pharmacist?
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The pharmacist.
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Damn it, she was a contestant in tonight's beauty contest
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that I'm honoured to be a judge on.
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Well no-one's going to any beauty contest, yes,
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until this murder is solved!
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Young man, don't let me down, I've high hopes.
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Oh, ooh, ooh!
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Looks like school's in and it's double history time.
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But instead of double, it's single.
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And instead of history, it's murder.
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Are you ready for this?
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Yes, sir.
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Then let's go solve a crime.
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Time was of the essence.
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We hot-tailed it to Forensics to see pathologist
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and all-round desperate loser, Richard Hammond.
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Here, boy. Hammond?
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Richard?
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Sleet! Hey, how are you doing, my great drinking buddy?
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Great to see you.
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Look at him, walking in here like six foot of brilliant.
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- Amazing, great to see you.
- Hey, what are you doing?
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Well, just kissing, French kissing. Hi...
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- No, no, this is not a kiss picnic.
- Right.
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- This is a murder case.
- Yes, of course it is.
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Good. We're here about the murder of Lindsay Lohan.
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Yes, er, Lindsay Lohan. Murdered last night.
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- But that's a hell of a tan she's got on.
- That's right.
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Ah, he's only gone and spotted the actual murder weapon.
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That's how good he is. Star detective. Yes?
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- Bloody star champ.
- Yep, thank you.
- Bloody champ man.
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- OK...
- The champon-iser.
- All right, yes.
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Yes, the Equaliser. Bloody Sherlock Holmes, yes?
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Yes, well, I like to think so, yes.
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Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Spotted it.
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- Thank you very much.
- You're like Hercules Poirot.
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- Listen...
- What?
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- Stop doing that.
- What?
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- Comparing me to other fictional detectives.
- Right.
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- I'm an actual real-life detective.
- Right.
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A detective that goes out and solves crimes, that detects things.
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Your joke only works if the person you're talking about
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- isn't a detective. OK?
- Right.
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When you do it about me, it's quite offensive.
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Right. Oh, damn it! Bad, I'm a bad dog.
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Bad dog man. In your bed! Blooper alert, whoop!
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Rewind, selecta.
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God, I'm a bad man, aren't I? I'm a bad man.
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- No, you're just a...
- Bad man.
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Are you finished?
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Yes. Anyway, the tan was the murder weapon,
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sprayed head to foot in some kind of poison.
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OK, we'd better be off. We've got a murder to solve.
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- Come on, kid.
- Look, just before you go,
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this footprint was found at the murder scene.
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That's a size nine. Shoe Zone, DIY boot.
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I know it anywhere.
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I'm a genius at guessing people's shoe sizes.
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It's my top five talent.
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- You're lucky to be working with this guy.
- Yes, he is.
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Right, so is that something to do with the murder case...?
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Yes, it is. Now, I've got a theory, I've got a theory.
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Don't get annoyed. This theory is that this murder
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is linked to another two cases last week.
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- OK.
- Yes.
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So we're looking at a serial killer.
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This is the file.
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Kid, read it for me.
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"Previous reports on spray tan murders.
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"Paris Hilton and Amy Childs were found dead in Vladimir Putin's gym."
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- Interesting.
- "They were both due to appear in the beauty contest."
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The beauty contest that I'm...?
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- Judging.
- Because I'm...?
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Well respected in beauty judging.
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Thank you, Louis, that's very kind of you.
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Right, take that with you. Let's go solve a crime.
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See you, Sleet.
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He's a strange guy.
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First up, Vladimir Putin, one touchy son of a Tsar.
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Since the steam room murders, he made his gym men only.
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He seemed a lot happier that way.
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A LOT happier.
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Guys, that's it for this session.
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Next up, three-hour wrestling session. My favourite, OK?
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So, go get your bodies ready.
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And remember what I told you, you must oil the entire torso.
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Go! Go, go. Now, come on.
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Hop to it, dick flick.
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Well, well, well.
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What have we here?
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It's like an amateur production of Of Mice And Men.
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Squeak, squeak!
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Very funny, but we're not mice and we're not men.
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We're cops. Get that, butt-head?
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Don't call me butt-head, please.
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That's your name, isn't it? Vladimir Butt-head.
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Is that written down somewhere?
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- Didn't you hear his name was Butt-head?
- Da.
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I know, duh.
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What's that? Is that a joke that you two have made up about me?
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Yeah, duh, duh.
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- You know what this is?
- Oh, yeah, I know what that is.
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That's you, right there, that's what you are.
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Big one of them.
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Super immature.
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I'm sorry, we've got some questions for you. Haven't we?
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OK. Slow down, Mr Eager Beaver.
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Are you not going to introduce me to your friend here?
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- Oh, yeah...
- What's her name, hmm?
- Excuse me?
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What's your name? Feisty one.
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Detective Louis Smith.
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So, Louie, I'd ask if you go to the gym, but clearly you do.
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- What do you describe yourself? Like, a gym bunny?
- Hey!
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- Want to do some...?
- Hey!
- Do you want to do...
- Hey! Hey!
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We haven't got time to stand around here talking about
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what kind of gym guy he is.
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I'm the judge in a prestigious beauty contest.
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I'm a judge in the contest too, Sleet,
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- don't get your...knickers in a twist, OK?
- How, why, what...?
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I'm just talking to Louie, my new friend. More than friends.
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Wha...? Wha...?
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I'm not answering any of your questions until I get
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a little time talking gym talk between me and this guy, OK?
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So be it.
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Why don't you go and use the machines? Do your wife a favour.
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(Listen kid, I want to have a little look around,
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(see if I can find some evidence.)
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Hey. Alone at last. Talk about playing gooseberry.
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OK, let's just drop all this serious stuff
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and play tag wrestling.
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You ever played towel tag?
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Can't say I have.
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I'll do mine, show you what... And then I put this in.
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Move your arms, or I'm not going to be able to stick it
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down your trousers.
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Good lord!
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Well, you certainly are a big gymnast.
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On three, try and get the towel off me. One, three!
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We're doing questions after this, right?
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For sure, yeah. Whoa. Whoa.
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Are you going to get my towel?
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I win.
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So much fun. OK, let's do it again.
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- 1-0.
- 1-0.
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I can't believe I'm being beaten by a big girlie gymnast.
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This time, when you grab it out - if you do -
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you can take it out a little bit slower.
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You know, like slowly and look me in the eye.
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Do I need to look you in the eye?
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Do you want to?
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It's getting a little bit odd. It's a bit strange.
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OK, ready? Go again!
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Slowly, do it slowly.
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Well done, 2-0.
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Can I have it back, please? I made a mess.
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Do you want to hug it out, this?
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You win, but everyone wins in Putin's Gym.
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(I'm very lonely.)
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That steam room's disgusting.
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Disgusting men.
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Impressed?
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I'm impressed that you're still alive.
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Your cholesterol must be through the roof.
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Sleet, you're like rear end of dog -
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all business and horrible when I touch them.
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Well, you know what I believe?
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I believe you're a scum-bag who's going to answer some questions.
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Er, what size shoe are you?
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Er, 44 European size, why?
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Next question.
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Can you please explain why two girls were found,
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fully spray-tanned, dead in your gym?
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Women!
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Silly, vain creatures.
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Only concerned with their waistlines and how deep their tans are.
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How I despise them.
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They were dying to get skinny and tanned.
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If you ask me, they got their wish.
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You know what they say - you can't please all of the people
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all of the time, but you're pleasing none of the people none of the time.
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Ah!
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You're lucky I don't pound the shit out of you
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right in front of him now.
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Luckily for you, Russians have...
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- Don't touch my arm.
- Listen...
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- Oh!
- Don't forget who you're talking to.
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- Look over there, there's a squirrel!
- Where?
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Take your hands off me!
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Come on, count to three!
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One, two, three! Whoo!
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Sleet!
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My man!
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Yeah. You just got owned.
248
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:20,600
Help me, Louis.
249
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,480
Hey! Let's get out of here.
250
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,040
I won't forget this, Sleet!
251
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,320
Was there any need?
252
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,760
There's always a need. Hey, here's one for you.
253
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:35,000
I used to be able to jump through the windows of this car.
254
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,200
Those days are long gone.
255
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,800
So kid, how are you finding your first day?
256
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,400
It's actually really cool.
257
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,560
- "Cool?"
- Cool.
258
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:50,840
- "Cool?"
- You know, you get into the police force because you think
259
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:54,960
it's going to be cool and it's going to be fun and stuff, and it has.
260
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,280
But I feel like we're on the right track.
261
00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:00,560
Yes, but I don't think we're in the region of being "cool."
262
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:05,520
Well, I think we're cool. We're... We're cool.
263
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:10,400
Let's leave the "cool" talk to the bars and nightclubs.
264
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:17,120
You're a trickster, aren't you?
265
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,920
I'm a what?! "A trickster?"
266
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,080
I'd like us to get on as buddies and partners.
267
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,480
But let me tell you...
268
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:31,600
..if you keep on acting up and being "cool",
269
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,040
I'll see you run through.
270
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,760
- Got it.
- Good.
271
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:42,400
Enough of this, let's get out of here.
272
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,720
Smith had found his cajones.
273
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:50,920
Would he be such a smart-arse with the next suspect, Kim Kardashian -
274
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:55,720
psychopath, killer and contestant in tonight's beauty pageant?
275
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,640
"Kim was put in a psychiatric institute for the criminally insane
276
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,000
"after having been found guilty of killing five people
277
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,200
"because she thought they were prettier than her."
278
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:07,200
She'll play ball if you're as nasty and as evil as you can be.
279
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,680
Are you OK with that?
280
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:12,560
I'll put my street voice on. I can be a bit thuggish sometimes.
281
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:16,440
- What you talking about, bruv?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
282
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:19,040
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Those shoes aren't Chanel.
283
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:20,480
What was the clicking thing?
284
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,880
Being a diva. I've seen it on a television show, I think.
285
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:24,520
Well, you're not on TV now, Smith.
286
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:25,680
I know. OK.
287
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,120
This is a murder case,
288
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,800
and I really urge you to take it a little bit more seriously.
289
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,680
- Head in the game.
- Exactly.
290
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:34,040
You going down! I'm in.
291
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:38,040
Listen, that sexy psycho will eat you for breakfast.
292
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,440
There's enough of me for lunch and dinner.
293
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:43,080
Well, isn't somebody someone else's biggest fan?
294
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:44,600
No, I'm just saying, you know...
295
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:45,920
Oh, I know what you're saying.
296
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,680
I'm a big guy, she's a small girl, she can't eat all of me.
297
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,680
Let's just get the information we need.
298
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:53,560
Yes, let's do that, Smith, and stop larking around.
299
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,720
- OK.
- OK?
300
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,320
Listen, the main thing to remember when you're in there -
301
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,720
don't cross the red line, whatever you do.
302
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:03,760
Now go solve a crime, Louis Smith!
303
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,160
Hey, Kim.
304
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,760
I have a few questions for you.
305
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,760
What are you looking at me all weird like that for?
306
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:14,000
SHE WHISTLES Excuse me?
307
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,120
No.
308
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,000
I can smell your penis.
309
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,240
I did shower this morning.
310
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:24,880
Does it like me?
311
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:28,040
I don't know, you'll have to ask it. I mean, er...
312
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,400
Do you like me?
313
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,960
- Do you like me?
- Kim?
314
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,960
Can you look at me here, please?
315
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,240
Do you think you've got what it takes...
316
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:43,760
..to pump me?
317
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:51,520
It's, um, it's a question that... I'm asking the questions here.
318
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,320
KIM LAUGHS Not you.
319
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:58,600
I only meant for information, you naughty, naughty boy.
320
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,120
Can you concentrate, please?
321
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:04,560
I want you to rate me on a scale from one to ten.
322
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,200
Like on a website? Yeah.
323
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:07,440
Zero.
324
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,560
OK. Zero.
325
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:10,600
Zero.
326
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,600
It's the wrong answer, you, asshole! I won't be criticised!
327
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,000
- Louis, get out of there!
- Your face is my face! Oh, my God!
328
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,920
- Get out.
- You think you're prettier than me? I have a brother!
329
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,600
I'm going to tear your fucking...! Argh!
330
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,400
Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
331
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:28,960
Wow, wow, wow!
332
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,560
Well done, Smith.
333
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,200
She needs some serious help.
334
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,240
That's why she's here with two big guys
335
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,120
putting her in a straitjacket.
336
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:39,440
Hey kid, let's turn it round. Go nice.
337
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,920
- Be lovely, Louis.
- Yeah.
338
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,080
Lou-Lou Bear.
339
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:44,400
That's more my forte.
340
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,120
- Oh, is it?
- Yeah.
341
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,640
I'm coming in there with you.
342
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:51,120
You obviously can't be left alone with a serial killer right now.
343
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,280
I need the back-up.
344
00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,280
Take a seat, kid.
345
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,280
It's OK, kid, you can cross the red line.
346
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:04,680
I was just yanking your pisser about that.
347
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:13,000
- How are you?
- I'm sorry I'm not pretty enough for you.
- You are pretty.
348
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,800
It's just so hard to stay beautiful when you're locked-up all day.
349
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,960
- I can understand.
- Yeah.
- But you look great as it is.
350
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,600
- Oh! You're like my sister.
- Yeah.
351
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,400
You know, me and my sisters, we always kiss.
352
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,600
We always kiss. Always.
353
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:27,960
- Do you?
- Yeah.
354
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,280
Are you my sister?
355
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:33,800
I think so... Um, yeah...
356
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:41,360
- Oh!
- Ahem, sorry Kim.
357
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,320
Hey, hey, what's that all about?
358
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,120
All the flirting. Don't forget where you are.
359
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,160
Remember, you've crossed the line.
360
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:50,240
But you said I could cross it.
361
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,680
(I said you could cross this line, but you're crossing another line.)
362
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,840
(So, not a real line?)
363
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,880
(Not this line, this line you're fine to cross.
364
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,640
(There's two lines, metaphorically.)
365
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,080
Sir, I'm getting really confused by your mixed messages.
366
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,840
- I'm...
- You said don't cross the line, then you said I could cross
367
00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,880
the line and now you're saying I am crossing the line and I shouldn't...
368
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,400
I'm saying you're... Listen, OK?
369
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,320
In your head, I want you to imagine two lines.
370
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,200
One's this line, the other one's this line.
371
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,320
This line you're more than welcome to cross, jump over it all you can.
372
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,640
The other line... (Told you no.)
373
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,520
- OK.
- Sorry, Kim.
374
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:21,040
One question.
375
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,920
One question. After we've kissed.
376
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,640
Sisters.
377
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:27,960
- Sir?
- Well, you're going to have to kiss her now.
378
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,880
You've started a whole kissing trade thing, haven't you?
379
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,120
There you go.
380
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,160
Can't be leaving work with lipstick on.
381
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:38,840
Well, maybe you shouldn't have started kissing, that sounds fair.
382
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:40,360
That's certainly true.
383
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,720
Where were you at the time of the murder?
384
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,880
Where was I?! Oh, my God!
385
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:52,640
Let me think. Hmm... Oh, yeah, I remember.
386
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,560
I was on day release.
387
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:57,480
Oh, I needed a little bit of me time, you know,
388
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,960
because um, this place, it drives me crazy.
389
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:08,040
So I took a walk along the beach, just me and the sand.
390
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:09,480
But I didn't enjoy it.
391
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,040
Why not?
392
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:15,440
No-one was there to see me! No-one!
393
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,200
Not anyone, I was on my own!
394
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,200
Not even one photograph!
395
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,160
I was on my own!
396
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,080
OK.
397
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,560
Where's my sister? I want my sister!
398
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,680
Uh, thank you for your time, Kim.
399
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,600
Hey, imagine being married to that.
400
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,360
Do you know what? She reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.
401
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:43,280
Ha-ha. That's what we call in the station "banter". Come on.
402
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:48,560
Our final suspect was Russell Brand, a fancy dan businessman
403
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:51,880
and organiser of tonight's beauty pageant.
404
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:55,800
Like a man walking down Dogshit Alley, we had to tread carefully.
405
00:18:58,480 --> 00:18:59,960
Oh, welcome, welcome,
406
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:04,160
roll up one and all, I should reckon as like, to the Brand Emporium.
407
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,680
Hello, Russell. We're here about a crime.
408
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,240
Oh, where are my manners?
409
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:11,320
This is my new partner, Louis Smith. Louis, Russell Brand.
410
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,440
- Nice to meet you, Russell.
- Nice to meet you.
411
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,280
Yeah, that is my name, whatever that means.
412
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:20,720
And this is me shop. Consider me a picker-up of unconsidered trifles
413
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,760
and me lowly dolly shop an home for flotsam and jetsam.
414
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,240
OK, big dick, we have some questions.
415
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:27,840
No, you only think you do - right? -
416
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,520
because you've been brainwashed - ain't you? - by the state.
417
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,640
It's wormed its way into your head
418
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,640
and making your brain work all funny.
419
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,720
You don't need nothing, mate. No, you don't.
420
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:39,160
If you wanted to, you could burn all your clothes
421
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,000
and live on an island for nothing, mate.
422
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:44,120
Well, I don't want to burn my clothes and live on an island.
423
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,880
- No?
- Are you aware there's been a spate of murders in town?
424
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,520
Yeah, I did hear something...
425
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,720
Hold up, it's only the dog and bone, ain't it.
426
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:55,520
I shall be with you in just a mo, sure as eggs is eggs,
427
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:58,200
sure as I'm standing here, sure as the sea is blue.
428
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,240
- Hello?
- God, that guy's a creep.
429
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,520
Yeah, it is.
430
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:05,280
But don't allow the man control you simply by the use of a moniker.
431
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,920
Yeah, it is Russell Brand and yeah, it's tonight.
432
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:11,560
As a matter of fact, one place has just come up, as luck would have it.
433
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,760
It'll cost you five grand, mate.
434
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:16,960
Are you seeing what I'm seeing, kid?
435
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,600
Yeah.
436
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:19,760
Dodgy character.
437
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,200
Yeah, all right, mate, I'll see you tonight. Good luck.
438
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:23,680
Love you, love you!
439
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:27,240
Listen here, this beauty pageant of yours
440
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,800
is becoming quite a deadly affair, wouldn't you say?
441
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,680
It's a dreadful business and no mistake.
442
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,840
I loves them girls, loves them like they was me own.
443
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:38,000
None of them deserved to be spray-tanned to death, mate.
444
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,680
Well, considering it's only the police that know that
445
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:43,080
the women were killed by the spray tan,
446
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,960
how would you know, considering we haven't mentioned it today?
447
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,520
I've got my ears to the ground, mate.
448
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:50,320
Listen, Brand, you wise-cracking piece of shit,
449
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:53,120
you're officially a suspect in a murder case.
450
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:54,720
Are you pointing a finger at me, mate?
451
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,320
Are you trying to say that I've got dirt under me fingernails
452
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,400
and the shadow of crime hanging over me?
453
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,520
Because if you are, you need to think again, mate,
454
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,880
because I can take away your place on the panel
455
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,720
if you think there's foul play at work, mate.
456
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:08,320
Please don't.
457
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,320
The pageant's all I have.
458
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,520
My wife's left me and my kids aren't talking to me.
459
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,720
I'm living in the back of someone else's car.
460
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,360
The pageant's the only thing I've got left to look forward to.
461
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:20,680
I'll tell you what, Sleet, I won't gives away your place on the panel.
462
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,240
You can keep it, right?
463
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,680
But I've got to put the finishing touches to me contest.
464
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,600
Now, get out of me shop. Shove off!
465
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,440
We'll be on our way.
466
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,800
We'll see you later, at the beauty pageant
467
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:32,360
that I'm still a judge on, right?
468
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:35,160
- Absolutely, Sleet, don't you worry about that, Sir.
- Come on, boy.
469
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:39,160
That evening, we got a mysterious call from Lily Allen,
470
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,520
reporter for the local rag.
471
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,680
She had some creamy intel about the case.
472
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:48,400
We headed over to meet her at the abandoned library.
473
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:49,880
♪ Georgie Porgie... ♪
474
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,160
It's creepy, bruv.
475
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,360
It's weird, huh?
476
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,760
Somewhat therapeutic.
477
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:57,560
Yeah, it's got its own tone to it, I've got to say.
478
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:01,040
♪ Killed the girls to make them... ♪
479
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,120
Lily! Sweet Lily.
480
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,360
It's OK, Lily. We're here.
481
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:06,680
What did you want to tell us?
482
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,560
The killer. I knew I was onto something,
483
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,920
- that's why they tried to kill me.
- OK.
484
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,440
I can tell you who it is, I think...
485
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:13,920
OK, tell us, wait there.
486
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,800
Lily, Lily, hold it, save it a moment.
487
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,760
Save it a sweet moment. I've got my trusty pen.
488
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:21,560
A funny story about this pen. I got it when I was 18.
489
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,120
- You know, never run out of...
- Sir? Sir, she's dying.
490
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:26,680
Oh, I'm sorry. Listen, I'll write it down here.
491
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,240
- Lily...
- Oh, the killer...
- Lily, wait there.
- Why...
492
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,840
Wait there. What the hell is this? "Poppin's Restaurant."
493
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,640
Sir, she's about to break the case!
494
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,640
Louis, give me a sweet second.
495
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,680
I can't remember for the life of me where this is from.
496
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,040
- Sir!
- Dalton...
497
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,080
Louis, don't you shout at me!
498
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,120
She's bleeding and she's about to help us!
499
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:47,960
Yes, I know, and I'm trying to remember where this receipt is from!
500
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,600
I'd write it on the back, but then it voids the receipt completely.
501
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,320
- Sir, we have not got time for this.
- Sleet, the killer...
502
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:55,960
Wait there. Lily, Lily, Lily...
503
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:59,400
I'm going to find some other paper to write on, OK?
504
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:00,720
Give us...give me a second.
505
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,240
Is there anything I can do?
506
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,040
The killer, let me tell you who the killer is. Come close.
507
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,680
I knew I was onto something...
508
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,400
Wait there, wait, wait, wait, wait. I want in on this.
509
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:12,240
It's OK, Lily. Hey, wait there.
510
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:15,520
This is an original Moby Dick. How often do you...?
511
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:17,760
- No-one cares about Moby Dick right now!
- Listen to me!
512
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,360
What do you mean no-one cares?! Wait there, wait there, Lily.
513
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:22,320
This is an original piece of work!
514
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:23,880
It's a Moby Dick.
515
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:27,000
How often have you seen that? An original piece of literature...
516
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,120
- Sir...
- It's an important part of our history.
517
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,880
I'd rather wait for the film to come out with Chris Hemsworth.
518
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:34,120
There's... Oh, is there a film with Chris Hemsworth?
519
00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:35,720
Is there a film with Chris Hemsworth?
520
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,840
- There is, Moby Dick...
- That's very interesting.
521
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:40,880
- It's beside the point, we're about to break this case.
- Yes, we are.
522
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,200
- We just need the name of the killer.
- Yes, we...
523
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,480
- Sleet...
- Lily, I'm with you, I'm with you. Louis...
524
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,480
- Grr, I'm the killer!
- Killer!
525
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:49,720
Do you remember when, "I am the killer!"
526
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:52,720
- Sleet, Sleet, the killer!
- OK. Lily, yes Lily, tell me!
527
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:53,800
It...
528
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,880
You are unbelievable. You just wasted a good amount of time there
529
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,040
where we could have got the killer.
530
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:10,800
- Shall we go?
- Yeah.
- Good stuff.
531
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:13,400
Oh, God, poor Lily.
532
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,280
Come on. She's starting to smell.
533
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,640
I think she's probably voided her bowel.
534
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,840
All roads led to the beauty pageant. Present, our suspects -
535
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,680
Putin, Kardashian and Brand.
536
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,880
For Smith, it was his most dangerous role yet.
537
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:30,840
Time to go undercover and catch a killer.
538
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:35,240
Welcome to this final round of this cavalcade of magnificence,
539
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,600
beauty and pulchritude.
540
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:41,360
Feast your lamps on these two dollymops. Kim Kardashian...
541
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,560
..and Fiona Brush.
542
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,520
Good, isn't it? First up, Fiona Brush.
543
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,040
Over to the judges.
544
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:59,560
Ms Brush, you find a million pesos in an old suitcase.
545
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,400
- What would you spend it on?
- Oh, good question.
546
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:03,560
Thank you.
547
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,000
Probably Mr Vladimir Putin.
548
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:10,640
Come, you'd probably get him for £5.
549
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,960
Flattery will get you everywhere.
550
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:16,160
Well, you won't win the competition through being flattering.
551
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:17,280
Well, you might.
552
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:20,720
No, you won't, it'll be done through judges marking you accordingly.
553
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,880
Oh, there's a question from Kim Jong Un.
554
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,520
"What is the sexiest animal?"
555
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,920
Excluding you three fine judges?
556
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,640
Oh, isn't she something?
557
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,360
I would have to say a white unicorn.
558
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,240
Sorry, that one was wrong.
559
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:51,800
I have one more question.
560
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:56,720
Imagine, if you will, that you'd been working as a police officer,
561
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:58,960
trying to track down a serial killer.
562
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:03,120
That case had led you here, to this beauty competition.
563
00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:06,800
Imagine further, if you will, that there was a trained sniper
564
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:13,120
in this very room, ready to rain down bullets upon the said killer.
565
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:15,280
Who would the killer be?!
566
00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:17,200
Hypothetically speaking.
567
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:21,200
Vladimir Putin.
568
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:26,800
Calm down! Calm down, everybody.
569
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,920
Relax, Kim, relax, everybody.
570
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:31,080
Relax, now.
571
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:35,400
Calm down. You know who I am?
572
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:36,600
Who is he?
573
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,000
Yeah, Sleet, I'm with Successville.
574
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:41,800
- I've never heard of you.
- What?
575
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,640
I'm from Successville. Murder Squad.
576
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,360
I'm also a judge on the panel, so...
577
00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:48,920
This is my partner.
578
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:50,720
I'm officer Louis Smith.
579
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:53,720
Explain why the killer was Putin.
580
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:58,280
Well, for me, Putin had a military boot which was found
581
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:00,880
at two of the other deaths during the week.
582
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:05,200
Also, he hated women with a passion, and suspiciously enough,
583
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:08,560
two other women were found dead in his steam room
584
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,240
with a spray tan. Was that all right?
585
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:13,000
Yeah, that's brilliant. Everybody, your hero!
586
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:18,880
And may I say, one gorgeous-looking lady...
587
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,960
- Thank you.
- ..who I think would have won the competition.
- Stop it!
588
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:23,960
Oh, God, not again!
589
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:25,600
- Ah, here he is.
- Wow!
590
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,560
Who gave the order for Putin to be shot?
591
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:30,360
Mr Louis Smith.
592
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,360
What are you wearing?!
593
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:33,880
Disguise, Sir.
594
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:35,960
Louis Smith, congratulations,
595
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,760
you've made a horse's cock of this investigation.
596
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:42,000
The killer was Russell Brand. Of course it was Russell Brand.
597
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:43,240
Yes? Why?
598
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:47,320
Because he was organising this beauty contest, yes,
599
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:50,280
so that he could charge contestants an entrance fee...
600
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,920
It'll cost you five grand, mate.
601
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,160
..and then bump them off one by one so that he could get richer.
602
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,080
And you might also have noticed in his shop...
603
00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:00,280
was spray tan.
604
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:04,680
You were supposed to be looking for somebody with size nine feet.
605
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:08,240
It couldn't have been Vladimir Putin, because he was...
606
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:10,000
44 European size.
607
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:13,240
..which is a size ten, you dicks!
608
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:16,640
You're fired!
609
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,280
Where is Russell Brand?!
610
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,640
He must have escaped in the fracas.
611
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:23,600
He's the killer, for Christ's sake!
612
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,240
Oh, God, you make me sick!
613
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:28,200
Why am I so weepy all the time?
614
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:32,920
Oh, well, kid, you win some, you lose some.
615
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,080
That's just life, I guess.
616
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:36,360
But you know what?
617
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,360
I spy with my little eye two Kims.
618
00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:42,320
Fancy a night out?
619
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:45,680
- Definitely. Which one do you want?
- I'll bagsie that one.
620
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:50,520
Come on, let's go. Come on, sweet cheeks.
621
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:54,480
Hey, you, I hope you like blondes,
622
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:56,240
you cheeky little creep.
623
00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,080
By the way, my dress stays on tonight.
624
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,080
Oh, you bet it does!
48810
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