Original subtitles

THE ALMOST MAN

I wonder what kind of neighbors we have.

And they don't know anything about us.

We aren't that hard to figure out.

But what do they know?

Maybe we're fundamentalist Christians.

-Is this picture hanging straight? -Maybe you're an alcohclic.

Pregnant and drink like a sponge. -Very cool. And who are you?

I'm a litle more -

- the nasty, abusive type.

Come on, let's dance.

Can you dance without irony?

What? These are my best moves.

Can you?

Of course.

Show me.

What?

Let me see you dance without irony.

No.

Can't you do it?

Why? -I want to see you.

Because it would look nice.

OK.

Damn!

Wow!

-Do I look ridiculous? Not at all.

You lock great.

Pick a hand.

"Seminars are sweet as long as you eat."

Thank you.

-I think we'll get food there. -Then you can eat it on the road,

Have fun. Bye.

We have a new face here today.

We have a new team member.

Many of you have probably noticed the new face sitting here.

Henrik Sandvik will be taking over Cecilie's position.

Here is your information packet.

just take this, thank you.

-Excuse me, I can't find... Can't find your name?

-Sandvik? -Yes. I'm pretty sure it's not there.

Let me take a quick...

Let's see.

Oops.

There are those... Hang on one minute.

-Is something wrong? -They can't find my name.

Christ, how hard can that be? Hello?

Hello?

They're starting in there. I'd like to bring my employee with me.

I can't find him on the list. Maybe he didn't get signed up. or...

Nonsense. I sent in his name with the others.

I understand, but he's not on the list.

-We can't just stand out here! No, I'l take care of this.

It's starting right now.

Just let me do my job, and we'll figure this out.

Don't take that tone with me! -I didn't mean it like that.

That may be the case, but...

Bang, bang! There goes the starting gun for...

You should have taken someone else's name tag. Seriously.

Thomas Olsen. If there had been a tag with that name.

I didn't see a Thomas Olsen.

And Thomas Olsen probably wouldn't have approved.

You could have chosen any Petter or Thomas or Klaus.

No, not Klaus. Not Klaus?

No, a Klaus is someone more stocky, square and short.

He's no Klaus. -Maybe not.

I see you as a Havard. I'm getting this Havard vibe.

That's better than Klaus.

You think I look like a Havard?

No, you're no Havard, You're more of a Fredrik.

I do have a name.

-To me, you're a Christian. -l agree.

What kind of car do you drive?

-A Toyota Corolla. No, that's wrong.

-Is that wrong? -You have to buy a new car.

Right. With a ski box. That works for a Christian.

Christian is someone who likes to ski a lot.

But my name is Henrik.

-Good food, Delicious.

Hello? Hit

How was your first day at work?

Did you make big bucks?

Where are you?

At my parents' They say hi.

Tell them hi back.

{will

What are you doing?

Nothing. We had dad's lamb stew for dinner.

And now we're drinking coffee.

-How about you? -Are you on the couch?

Yeah.

I'm whacking off.

{ see. That's nice.

I'm so horny.

Are you?

Yes...

I think we're having waffles.

-So that will be delicious. -Touch your pussy.

With strawberry jam and maybe some sugar.

Touch your pussy. Can you hear me, Tone?

Wait, are you leaving the room? You chicken!

Sit back down!

-Do we need coffee? Definitely.

Two bags.

And then... Could you find some tea candles?

Tea candles?

And some potato chips, maybe.

Il get the candles if you have that damn abortion!

I'm not up for this now.

Do you want some bastard child that shits all over the place?

-Have the damn abortion! -You're not funny.

What?

What are you laughing about? You said I wasn't funny.

Do you realize what it will cost?

But it's OK for you to screw some 17-year-old girl, -

- while I'm pregnant with your child?

Seriously, 17, Henrik? I know you're doing her. Admit it!

How could you...

You won't laugh when I punch you 50 hard that baby pops out...

That's enough.

No, stop!

No, stop! No!

We can't go on like this.

What if something happens?

And we've been joking like this. We'd be fucked.

That's right. You're fucked, by me.

I'm serious.

No. I'm serious. 0K.

Fine. -Do you agree?

No way, we're playing!

No, no, no.

Il let you in if you give me a kiss.

One, two, three!

Holy shit!

Not on three!

-Man. that burns! -Come on. One last time.

No, I'm done. -Come on!

One, two, three!

-Make sure you don't... -Eins, zwei, drei!

Lovely! -Come on. You had four.

No, three. -Wasn'tit four?

So you aren't going to your girlfriend's homo party?

-It's a publisher's party. -A publisher's party?

-That's worth at least five. -At least.

You'd be lucky to get away with five.

You deserve ten lashings for your new homo job.

-So "homo" is the new word now? -That's right, Homo.

Faggot. -Yeah, homo is the new thing.

Boo!

How's it going? Great,

Are you enjoying the party?

Me too.

Blueberry juice.

-You're pretending to drink? -I'm already slurring my words.

And later I'll start staggering.

Are you making a playlist? Another one?

-Don't you want to talk to anyone? Sure.

-Soon? I'l go on ahead. -You do that.

This place really looks great. It looks amazing.

How hig is it? -88 square meters, Or 90.

Each floor is 45 square meters, and 45 times 2 equals 90.

That's not had.

And there's alittle garden patch, soit's great.

“How much did it cost? -That wasn't quite as great.

I can imagine.

All this talk about money makes me have to go to the bathroom.

-Everything all right? Sure.

-Hi. Hi.

What's this? Did you spill something?

-You should pour some salt on it. -Right.

Does it hurt?

Nah.

Come on!

-I'm just going to rape you a little. No, not now.

-You can't say no to a rapist. -That's exactly what you can say.

-Or something like that. -A rapist couldn't care less.

Shut up. you little whore.

Stop, we can't have sex now!

-Put on another shirt, -I will. if you take your dress off,

Here. Take this one.

I'm going to punish you good!

Stop it!

Come on.

Nope.

-Get dressed. -If you take off your dress.

Hello. -Hi.

Here. -Thanks.

I want you to meet my boyfriend. Henrik, this is Stine.

-Hi. We've already met. -Oh, you have?

Stine is head of marketing for all our children's literature.

Children and youth lit, right?

-And what do you do? -That job I told you about.

I'm such a ditz. Of course.

Anyway, I distracted you that last time we talked.

-You did? Didn't 1?

How so? With this.

With that? -Yeah,

What?

Whatever.

OK...

I don't get it.

The last time we talked, I had a booger hanging out of my nose.

I didn't know, and you pretended not fo see it.

You must have me confused with someone else.

No, we were talking right here.

But I would have remembered... I didn't see a booger in your nose.

-No way. -It was impossible to miss.

-She says she didn't see anything. -What else can she say?

It's too late to say anything else.

Never mind.

It's no hig deal.

Yes...

Yes.

-I took alittle pee. -I noticed.

Why?

Well...

Who really knows?

-Do you want me to leave? No.

I don't know.

-We can't sit here. can we? No, we can't

-We can't sitin a car and pee. I realize that.

No, you don't. You just did it -I know, but I hadn't exactly...

I know it wasn't a good idea.

-['l'be out in a minute. -I can't wait.

Hello? -It's Henrik.

-Huh? It's Henrik!

-Didn't it leak through the pocket? No. I don't know why.

-The seat pocket? -Seat pouch.

It wasn't a funnel, it was a bridge.

I'd kick your ass if that was my car.

Like you could!

Don't start now!

I cracked the window! I cracked it!

That doesn't apply to us. You wouldn't kick my ass.

-Come on, guys! -I have to pee myself,

-Jesus Christ! ~Join us, Mial

You want me to squat over the rail?

The least you can do is shake it for me.

Is this your apartment?

Somebody just pissed on my balcony!

Pissed?

Come on and dance!

No!

Simen?

Yeah...

I think I'l just go to bed.

Christ.

This party is a little too childish for my taste.

Somebody pissed on my balcony.

It's good you came up and said something.

How can people act like that?

Yes, well, I think I'l just go back to bed.

-Talk to you later. -You bet.

You don't like olives? Are you a baby?

They taste like... Are you calling me a baby?

You don't like the taste? Most people over the age of 13...

I'l bet you no one here likes olives.

-Do you like olives? -Of course not.

Don't try fo influence him. “I'm not.

-You're caressing his ear, -You can see he hates olives.

Do you like olives?

No.

-See? -I'm simply more refined than you.

-Do you know the clive dance? -Of course!

Let's see your olive dance!

If you don't turn down that music, Il file a complaint!

-Do you understand what I'm saying? -We all love each other here.

What kind of music do you like? -l want quiet!

He has gin and tonic in the iron!

You're acting like a jerk.

You're a real shit!

Don't touch me!

Listen to me. I want an end to this now.

You're a bunch of assholes.

Abunch of fucking assholes!

Holy shit!

-What just happened, Henrik? -Jesus!

You aren't supposed to hit other people.

Are you dead?

Hey.

Hi.

Oh. hi there.

How are you feeling?

I just need a glass of water.

Oops.

-Yes. -Are we done?

It looks like it.

-This was quick. -It's better with two.

The rest will only take me a few minutes.

-0K. See you later. -Bye.

You peed in Kietil's car last night.

-I have to ask you about that. -Yeah,

Yeah? -Yeah. What?

What was with you last night?

Nothing, really. Was there?

Yeah.

And then you just left.

I didn't know anybody there.

So I ended up just standing around. Drinking.

You didn't seem that drunk.

The only thing that happened last night. -

- was that I set a new record in drunkenness.

I can't give you any cred for that.

-Give me some cred. No.

-Give me some cred. No!

Give me some cred. Come on!

-Give me some cred! No!

Fine. Then I'l have to kill you,

Because I don't like you peeing in cars?

Get off me.

What's the matter?

-Huh? -You're so corny.

Dammit!

You've never done anything stupid when you're drunk?

Sure.

But I can talk about it afterward.

OK.

OK.

What do you want to hear? That I fought and made out?

Did you?

Are you trying to make me feel worse?

If you made out and fought, isn't it fair that I hear about it?

Christ, Henrik. You're 35 years old!

How can I not react when you act like a teenager?

Jesus Christ!

And I feel like a bitch for having to lecture you like this.

-You aren't a bitch. -Damn right I'm not!

I'm actually pretty cool. And nice and smart and...

Pregnant.

Did I mention that? That you're going to be a father?

No... Yes.

I think you mentioned something about that,

Awhile ago.

Is that...

Soon?

Yes.

Thatisn't such a bad thing, is it?

Do you feel up to the challenge?

Sure. Why not?

We have to be able to talk to each other.

We're talking now.

-Are we? -Yes. Aren't we?

I'm not so sure.

What words do you want to hear?

I want to know why you make out and fight.

Right...

The fighting wasn't...

But I did make out a little with Mia, actually.

-Are you laughing at me? -Yeah,

-Are you hot for her? -No way.

Then why do things like that?

Why I got raped?

The thing is that Mia -

- has this special ability.

She can uncoil her boobs until they are 10-12 meters long.

And in a small apartment like that, with no escape route, -

- she can turn them into a lasso in no time -

- and rope us big men...

And tie us up.

Imagine ten meters of...

Imagine having to work on a Sunday!

They can't even have dinner like normal people.

That's just the way itis.

What was so important today?

Some book she's working on.

Make sure you let them know about that at your new job, Henrik.

So they don't think that's acceptable.

You shouldn't work yourself to death.

I mean it.

So how are things at the new job?

Fine. Really?

Decent colleagues? -Of course.

Of course?

There's nothing obvious about that.

Your father hated his new job.

-Do you have any more juice? Sure.

OK. I'l see you at lunch. Bye.

Hi.

I have to apologize for that incident this weekend.

You don't have to.

No, but I want to. Really.

That was totally...

It was completely out of character.

-I don't think you're like that. I really do apologize.

I appreciate you coming in here.

I was hoping we could put it behind us.

We can. I suggest we forget the whole thing.

I really appreciate you saying that.

I'm not the kind of person who does things like that.

It was totally unacceptable.

I don't know what you're talking about.

But... You know...

The fact that I hit you?

I had already put it behind me.

Oh. right! I get it.

Anyway... Good,

-See you later, Bye.

-I thought I'd leave after work. -That early?

-Hi. Hi.

-I can't leave that early. -Why not?

- have Katrine. -Can't you just bring her?

-Beer can't hurt a 86-year-old. No, I can't do that.

Then I'l have to represent alone, as usual.

Are you talking about that trade gathering?

Yeah.

Have fun. [ry.

That sounded interesting. I got the memo.

Yeah. they tend to be all right.

-Can anyone go? Sure.

Would we leave straight from work, or...?

Today I am.

But I'm not exactly sure when I'l be leaving.

I can be pretty flexible.

-We can call each other. Definitely. OK.

I'l be ready in a minute.

This is the voice-mail for...

Hi, Katrine!

You at work with mommy today?

Hi -So you're on your way home?

-Bye. Katrine. -Say bye.

What do you want?

i's me. Was it wrong of me to call?

I'm at work. I'm busy.

Fine. I just wanted to tell you that we got into ABC.

The maternity ward.

Right.

That's good.

Yes it is, actually. Whatever. Bye.

-Check this baby out! -For Christ's sake!

You like that? You want it?

No, thanks. -I was talking to Kenneth.

You are so nice! Always thinking of me.

Too bad.

Hm? -I said, That's too bad.

Henrik?

Henrik...

I want you to have this.

-Since you're so grumpy, it's yours, -I'm not grumpy. And I don't want it.

When did you stop liking boogers? Dammit!

Fine. Il leave it here. No!

Why are you picking on me? -I don't understand.

-You're hurting me. -I don't want it.

Save it for later, when you get hungry.

I'l put it in your coat pocket.

I understand that you get fed up.

Stop itl I'm serious! Calm down!

-l used the other hand. -Stay away!

-Relax. -You relax!

You rub a booger in my face and tell me to relax?

If you don't relax I can't wipe the booger on you.

Henrik... Henrik!

-Please get in. No.

-Come on! -Are you seriously taking the bus?

Yes.

-Give me a break! No, I'm taking the bus.

Fine. 0K.

Hang on. -Some minor technical problems.

-We couldn't leave you. We love you.

You're our best friend,

-Come on. -Excuse me, lady over there!

Hi! Don't you think Henrik should get in the car with his best friends. -

- instead of waiting for the bus?

Yes? So do wel!

-You're much prettier when you smile. -You like us.

He does. Can't I just take the bus?

-No, you can't take the bus. Hurry, and you can sit in front,

In this seat that I have warmed up with my tiny butt cheeks.

I think you have to move now.

Come on, get in.

Get in! -Don't be a chicken!

Are you going to move?

-Are you going to move the car? “What?

Hello!

Can't you just leave? No!

Drivel

-You have to drive. -We don't have a driver!

Come on!

Dammit!

Hello?

No! Stop it!

Dammit!

Stop it! I've heen nauseous all day.

-I'm sorry. Please. Don't.

You can't do things like that anymore.

I didn't mean to upset you.

I'm sorry.

Honey, I'm sorry.

That was wrong of me. I'm sorry.

Hey.

I need to rest.

Do you want me to leave?

Does that mean I can stay?

It's up to you.

Can't we be friends again?

We are friends.

Are you serious?

Do I look like I'm in the mood for sex?

So no more screwing either.

Jesus Christ!

I'm nauseous and feel like crap!

And you come in here and dump that shit on me?

Damn!

13. A product market is primarily based on products or services...

14. The analysis of...

14. The analysis of...

14. The analysis of the fucking bullshit that these cocksuckers...

Shit!

OK?

What are you doing here now?

Hello?

I didn't feel well,

What are you doing here?

You didn't feel well?

What's the matter? -Stomach cramps.

I see.

-Shouldn't we see a doctor? -I already have.

He said it's normal. Nothing to worry about.

OK.

Good,

Why aren't you at work?

Why didn't you call me?

I figured you were at work.

-So what? -I can't deal with this right now.

Can't I just sit here? -Call me if something's wrong!

Last time I called. you didn't want to talk,

-That was different. -No! [wanted to talk to you.

Can we only talk when you want to?

-Itisn't like that. -Yes, itis!

I'm sick and tired of you behaving however you want,

I can't handle it when you keep acting so...weird.

No, I'm not weird!

Have you eaten any decent food? -Yes.

-You look thin. No.

Yes. I think you look thin.

I've always been this thin,

How about Tone? Is she a decent cook?

That isn't how it works, mom, that Tone cooks for me.

The thing is. -

- I worry that you don't eat well, You with your sensitive stomach.

Should I cook up some chicken filets?

Sure, if you're having some, I can join you.

You miserable little fuck. You little bastard.

I'm gonna fuck you good, you little bitch.

Take that, goddemmit!

You fucking pussy!

Take that, you little fucker!

Allright.

Shit!

What are you doing?

Getting a magazine.

What magazine?

Do you seriously care?

Are you taking a bath?

Yes.

That should feel nice, if you're nauseous.

Tore, hey...

Dammit! -Dammit what?

What is it? Talk to me!

Whatever itis, just tell me! -All right!

Well?

I want things to be good. I want this and...this to work.

OK. How do you picture "this and...this" working?

What about this?

Don't joke around.

I'm not joking.

-I meant what I said. -But you haven't said anything!

-You're just standing there pointing. -I meant what that pointing meant.

You meant what that pointing meant?

And I agree with your pointing. My head has been a mess lately.

And I should have talked to you about that.

But instead I became...

Weird,

I really did.

But the way things are now...

I'm not exactly sure how to behave in order not to be like that, but...

Being like this isn't working for me either.

And it definitely isn't working for me if it isn't working for you.

I like you better when you talk than when you point.

I can understand that.

~The tub's probably full now. -Go take that bath.

Tone?

Your magazine.

Hi.

Hi.

Subtitles: Nick Norris