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ABIGAIL: Heidi, you don't have to be here.
It's Saturday night.
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Shouldn't you be out with your friends
fidgeting each other's spinners?
3
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That's an old one.
4
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Now we just like listening
to people whisper things.
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And besides, I like being here with you.
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ANNOUNCER:
And now, the BcBillan you just can't kill.
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[PIANO PLAYING]
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Oh, my goodness.
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So many beautiful faces tonight.
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So kind of you all
to be here for this concert
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to benefit my dead
or jailed family members.
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My beloved brothers were poisoned, uh,
13
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by my cunt of a sister
right there on the end.
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-[AUDIENCE GROANS]
-Oh, no, no. Don't feel bad for me, guys.
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It's a pretty good diet, really.
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[SINGING] Just don't eat anything
Because you might get poisoned
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[CHUCKLING]
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Mmm.
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But seriously, though,
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I was never allowed
to write any of our songs
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because of those cocksuckers right there.
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But, uh, I'm the only one left,
so I had no choice.
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We've got "Short Straw."
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Brave.
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-Here we go!
-[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
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[SINGING] I picked the short straw
The bruisiest apple
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The grocery cart
With the fucked-up wheel
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I got that short-ass straw
That looks like a toothpick
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The puniest boobs
In the whole damn field
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Short straw
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[ALL CHEERING]
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That's right, people.
I got that short straw.
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And by "short straw,"
I mean "stripper pole."
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Oh.
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Thanks for putting it in, Gene. Wink.
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Short straw
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All right, spin me. Spin me.
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I lost feeling down there hours ago.
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[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
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Ah! She's dead.
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[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
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[AUDIENCE MURMURING]
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Oh, dear.
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She's as dead as a goldfish on a couch.
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GILBERT:
You know what?
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Branda couldn't have been
the murderer this time. She's in jail.
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The good news is
that Branda is not the murderer.
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The bad news is that Branda
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-is the murdered!
-[ALL GASP]
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-No.
-What in the hot fudge?
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-How did you know Branda was in there?
-I figured it out.
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Because I stan
the BcBillan family so much.
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And I thank my niece
for teaching me the word "stan."
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My aunt's my best friend.
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Don't know why I said that. Why not?
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There are many things about me
that are not perfect.
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Liar!
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I have irregular pubic borders,
I have butter-soft nails,
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and I have a fourth nipple.
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Stuff of nightmares.
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But I do have perfect pitch
and that piano was off-key.
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We didn't notice it
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because Broda was actually
the most talented musically in the family.
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But she didn't get a chance to show it.
65
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She was adjusting
to the off-key accompaniment.
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-Let me explain this further.
-Why don't you sing it?
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[SOFTLY]
You know I can't do that.
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Don't be afraid.
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Who wants to hear her sing?
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[CHANTING]
Abigail.
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ALL [CHANTING]:
Abigail.
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Abigail.
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Abigail.
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When I was in my 20s,
a moth flew into my windpipe,
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and ever since then,
I'm terrified to sing in public.
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Singing in public, my greatest fear.
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Think, Abigail.
78
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How would you write yourself out of this?
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Mrs. Mapleworth stood center stage
in front of 2 million people
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at the International Arena of Europe.
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[SINGING]
I'm not afraid anymore
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I've kicked down that scaredy-cat door
83
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,413
Hey, world
84
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Hear me
85
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Roar
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[LAUGHS]
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[COUGHING]
88
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You can do it, Aunt Abigail.
89
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[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
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[SINGING]
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I just don't understand why she has
to sing it, you know what I'm saying?
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It's not even an actual song.
93
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She's just giving us dry information
on the case.
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Stop half-singing. It's unnatural.
95
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You should be afraid to sing in public!
96
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BILLS:
What is happening right now?
97
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,346
[AUDIENCE MURMURING]
98
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Oh, now it's a duet.
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[CONTINUES SINGING]
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HEIDI [SINGING]:
Best voice, best voice
101
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Thank the Lord.
102
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BOTH [SINGING]:
103
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I'm clapping for all of us
because that was amazing.
104
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But wait, who killed Broda?
105
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-Oh. So--
-Enough with the damn singing!
106
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-Who did it?!
-Death by splits.
107
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:55,647
She died of a broken vulva.
108
00:05:55,731 --> 00:06:00,569
Fun fact, did you know the heart
and the vulva are the same organ?
109
00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:02,446
It's the longest organ in the body.
110
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:06,867
No, actually, sorry. That's not true.
I was premed at Princeton.
111
00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:09,119
Just...
112
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:12,456
Actually, no, I didn't go to classes
so it might be.
113
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Either or.
114
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,543
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]
115
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All this crying has made me chafe my lips.
116
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Do you have any lip salve?
117
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
118
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I'm sorry, Aunt Abigail.
I know it was your favorite band.
119
00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:29,306
I'll make you a playlist
of some of the bands I like
120
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,934
and maybe you'll like them too.
121
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That's very kind of you.
122
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-Real talk?
-Mm-hm.
123
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-You look like a clown whore.
-Oh.
124
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:40,400
Well, that's not the first time
I've heard that.
125
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I used to have a lucrative job
as a circus prostitute.
126
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And I was always paid under the table,
where the BJs happened.
127
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Oh, God. I miss BJs.
128
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[LOUDLY]
Just kidding.
129
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,829
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, excuse me.
130
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:59,253
Well, Heidi, even though
they resented each other...
131
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-And murdered each other.
-Oh, that's true.
132
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,215
They were still a family.
133
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They stuck together till the end.
134
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,302
HEIDI:
Oh.
135
00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:09,096
[GRUNTING]
136
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Yeah.
137
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[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
138
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[YELPING]
139
00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:29,199
You'll love this band, Aunt Abigail.
140
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They're loud and filthy,
141
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just like you, you disgusting creature.
142
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:36,498
I'm actually not staying, dear.
143
00:07:36,582 --> 00:07:40,544
I thought you'd enjoy this concert
with a couple of new school friends.
144
00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:44,423
-Oh. They look like total weirdos.
BOTH: Hi!
145
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Yep.
146
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,468
Thank you. I feel seen.
147
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:54,057
-What's up, my bitches?
GIRL: Hey.
148
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-[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
-Oh, no.
149
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[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
150
00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:01,899
[HOWLING IN DISTANCE]
151
00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,652
GILBERT:
Abigail!
152
00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,529
Gilbert.
153
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:08,947
Ah.
154
00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,782
Lovely night for a stroll.
155
00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:13,744
May I escort you home?
156
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,871
Yes, of course.
157
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,706
Isn't this pleasant?
158
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:20,542
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
159
00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:21,877
[TIRES SCREECHING]
160
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,088
Abigail, watch out!
161
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[CRASHING NOISES]
11521
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