Original subtitles

ABIGAIL: Heidi, you don't have to be here. It's Saturday night.

Shouldn't you be out with your friends fidgeting each other's spinners?

That's an old one.

Now we just like listening to people whisper things.

And besides, I like being here with you.

ANNOUNCER: And now, the BcBillan you just can't kill.

[PIANO PLAYING]

Oh, my goodness.

So many beautiful faces tonight.

So kind of you all to be here for this concert

to benefit my dead or jailed family members.

My beloved brothers were poisoned, uh,

by my cunt of a sister right there on the end.

-[AUDIENCE GROANS] -Oh, no, no. Don't feel bad for me, guys.

It's a pretty good diet, really.

[SINGING] Just don't eat anything Because you might get poisoned

[CHUCKLING]

Mmm.

But seriously, though,

I was never allowed to write any of our songs

because of those cocksuckers right there.

But, uh, I'm the only one left, so I had no choice.

We've got "Short Straw."

Brave.

-Here we go! -[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING] I picked the short straw The bruisiest apple

The grocery cart With the fucked-up wheel

I got that short-ass straw That looks like a toothpick

The puniest boobs In the whole damn field

Short straw

[ALL CHEERING]

That's right, people. I got that short straw.

And by "short straw," I mean "stripper pole."

Oh.

Thanks for putting it in, Gene. Wink.

Short straw

All right, spin me. Spin me.

I lost feeling down there hours ago.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah! She's dead.

[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

Oh, dear.

She's as dead as a goldfish on a couch.

GILBERT: You know what?

Branda couldn't have been the murderer this time. She's in jail.

The good news is that Branda is not the murderer.

The bad news is that Branda

-is the murdered! -[ALL GASP]

-No. -What in the hot fudge?

-How did you know Branda was in there? -I figured it out.

Because I stan the BcBillan family so much.

And I thank my niece for teaching me the word "stan."

My aunt's my best friend.

Don't know why I said that. Why not?

There are many things about me that are not perfect.

Liar!

I have irregular pubic borders, I have butter-soft nails,

and I have a fourth nipple.

Stuff of nightmares.

But I do have perfect pitch and that piano was off-key.

We didn't notice it

because Broda was actually the most talented musically in the family.

But she didn't get a chance to show it.

She was adjusting to the off-key accompaniment.

-Let me explain this further. -Why don't you sing it?

[SOFTLY] You know I can't do that.

Don't be afraid.

Who wants to hear her sing?

[CHANTING] Abigail.

ALL [CHANTING]: Abigail.

Abigail.

Abigail.

When I was in my 20s, a moth flew into my windpipe,

and ever since then, I'm terrified to sing in public.

Singing in public, my greatest fear.

Think, Abigail.

How would you write yourself out of this?

Mrs. Mapleworth stood center stage in front of 2 million people

at the International Arena of Europe.

[SINGING] I'm not afraid anymore

I've kicked down that scaredy-cat door

Hey, world

Hear me

Roar

[LAUGHS]

[COUGHING]

You can do it, Aunt Abigail.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING]

I just don't understand why she has to sing it, you know what I'm saying?

It's not even an actual song.

She's just giving us dry information on the case.

Stop half-singing. It's unnatural.

You should be afraid to sing in public!

BILLS: What is happening right now?

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

Oh, now it's a duet.

[CONTINUES SINGING]

HEIDI [SINGING]: Best voice, best voice

Thank the Lord.

BOTH [SINGING]:

I'm clapping for all of us because that was amazing.

But wait, who killed Broda?

-Oh. So-- -Enough with the damn singing!

-Who did it?! -Death by splits.

She died of a broken vulva.

Fun fact, did you know the heart and the vulva are the same organ?

It's the longest organ in the body.

No, actually, sorry. That's not true. I was premed at Princeton.

Just...

Actually, no, I didn't go to classes so it might be.

Either or.

[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]

All this crying has made me chafe my lips.

Do you have any lip salve?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, Aunt Abigail. I know it was your favorite band.

I'll make you a playlist of some of the bands I like

and maybe you'll like them too.

That's very kind of you.

-Real talk? -Mm-hm.

-You look like a clown whore. -Oh.

Well, that's not the first time I've heard that.

I used to have a lucrative job as a circus prostitute.

And I was always paid under the table, where the BJs happened.

Oh, God. I miss BJs.

[LOUDLY] Just kidding.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, excuse me.

Well, Heidi, even though they resented each other...

-And murdered each other. -Oh, that's true.

They were still a family.

They stuck together till the end.

HEIDI: Oh.

[GRUNTING]

Yeah.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[YELPING]

You'll love this band, Aunt Abigail.

They're loud and filthy,

just like you, you disgusting creature.

I'm actually not staying, dear.

I thought you'd enjoy this concert with a couple of new school friends.

-Oh. They look like total weirdos. BOTH: Hi!

Yep.

Thank you. I feel seen.

-What's up, my bitches? GIRL: Hey.

-[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] -Oh, no.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[HOWLING IN DISTANCE]

GILBERT: Abigail!

Gilbert.

Ah.

Lovely night for a stroll.

May I escort you home?

Yes, of course.

Isn't this pleasant?

[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Abigail, watch out!

[CRASHING NOISES]