Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

ABIGAIL: Boop!

[SNORTS]

Ugh!

What the heck?

Well, I have good news. You don't have any bats in the cave.

And, also, I have a surprise for you.

I made you some muesli.

Oh, all right.

It might be dog kibble because I sat on my glasses and I flattened them.

What time is it?

It's 5:00.

Why did you wake me up so early?

It's 5:00 in the afternoon.

Yeah. I usually wake up about 7.

Well, enough of the silliness. Eat your breakfast-dinner.

Is this the surprise?

No. I'm taking you to a concert tonight.

- Ooh. Who? - You have to guess.

- Post Malone? - Who?

- SZA? - What?

- Dolly Parton. - I wish.

- Lizzo. - You do it and you'll clean it up.

I am taking you to see my favorite family singing group.

Hold on to your ducking hat, because we are going to see BBPS.

The Brothers BcBillan Plus Sisters.

Yay!

And I even bought the tickets on my fancy new cellular phone.

Yeah, you did, you baller.

Why don't we ask some of your new school friends to come with us tonight?

Nah. I just like hanging out, us time.

Who the hell is that?

This is my new handywoman-man.

Her name is Junie. She's been here all day working on my bush and knockers.

I spent the day trimming her hydrangea bush

and polishing her door knockers.

Oh.

And listen, when I come back tomorrow, I'm gonna...

Oh, my.

Oh, my earring.

Thank you, Junie.

[ABIGAIL GIGGLING]

[WHEEZING]

This is dog kibble by the way.

Junie.

You know this place used to be called the Money Shot,

and they had a great commercial.

♪ Where the whores are tricky And the floors are sticky ♪

♪ Money shot ♪

[POPS]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh, look at this.

It's my agent, Jerry.

He just always calls at the most inopportune times.

I love him, but he's a pain in my ass.

Hello, Abigail.

[SCOFFS]

Jerry, you're FaceTiming me and not a profile pic.

You look well.

- How's the new book coming? - Poor connection.

You know, because you're off the clock.

Hi, what do I have to get you?

I would like a perky red,

and I'll have a ream of shrimp and a beret, medium rare.

I'll have the salad and Skittles and a soda.

I'm so excited about this group. Have you ever seen them before?

No. But I have seen beaver crap roll off a car hood, so:

[CLICKS TONGUE]

same diff.

Well, I hope they play all my favorites.

And I hope they drive their tour bus into a gulch.

People in this town really don't hold back, and I like it.

So, what sort of music is this?

ABIGAIL: It's like a gospel cult-pop.

They've been touring as a family since childhood,

and they're as inseparable as their harmonies.

Oh, that sounds nice.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't an only child.

Well, your father is pretty foxy, so I'm sure there are others out there.

-What? MAN: Abigail.

Hey, Abigail.

- Oh, great. - Abigail.

Gilbert's here.

- Smile like you're glad to see him. - Hi!

Wow, I've never seen him without his cop uniform.

He's really leaning into that turtleneck-vest combo.

He looks very hot. Temperature-wise, obviously.

- Here's your shit. - Oh.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you.

You know, I aspired to be a professional singer.

When I was in my 20s, I sang with the local philharmonic.

And when I was on my final note,

a moth flew into my windpipe, and I coughed for nearly an hour.

Since then, I've been terrified to sing in public.

But that moth came out three days later in my stool, and it was still alive.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage

the Brothers BcBillan Plus Sisters.

[CROWD CHEERS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ There's a feeling when it's right ♪

♪ When you're reeling and it's tight ♪

♪ It's that sweet spot It's that cute cot ♪

♪ We call it family ♪

♪ We're a wham bam family ♪

♪ We're attached at the hip-hop ♪

♪ Making music that won't stop ♪

♪ - It's that perfect note - Perfect note ♪

♪ - It's that billy goat - Billy goat ♪

♪ We call it family ♪

♪ We're a wham bam family ♪

♪ We're a wham bam family ♪

ABIGAIL: They sound so good.

Am I high and forgot?

I'm high on BBPS.

Hey, you know, Bran, you're the best brother a guy could beg for.

Thanks, pal. I love you so much it's hurts like a coronary event.

-Hey, what about your sisters? -Hey, what about your sisters?

[CROWD LAUGHS]

SISTER 1: You boys are the cutest. We wished we weren't related.

Yeah, things would be so different because you're so cute.

Oh!

They love each other to death. It's so cute.

You're stealing the show.

You piece of shit.

-You ate my fucking sandwich. -Go to hell, piece of shit.

Hey, no family is perfect, right?

True.

♪ We came out of the same mama tunnel ♪

♪ We came out of the same daddy dream ♪

♪ Raving like puppies That's a-yippin' and a-yappin' ♪

♪ Fighting over church and dolls And sweet ice cream ♪

♪ It's just sibling ♪

♪ Sibling jive-alry ♪

[GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ - Go, Brody! - Go, Brody! ♪

♪ Go, Brody! Go, Brody! Go, Brody! ♪

♪ Go, Brody! Go, Brody! ♪

♪ Go, Brody! ♪

♪ Go, Broda! Go, Broda! Go, Broda! ♪

♪ Go, Broda! Go, Broda! Go, Broda! ♪

♪ Go, Brenda! Go, Brenda! Go, Brenda! ♪

BRODY: ♪ Who's Brenda? Who's Brenda? ♪

♪ - Go, Brenda! - Oh, Brenda! ♪

♪ Go, Brenda! Go, Brenda! Go, Brenda! ♪

♪ Go, Brenda! Go, Brenda! Go, Brenda! ♪

♪ Go, Bran! Go, Bran! Go, Bran! ♪

♪ Go, Bran! Go, Bran! Go, Bran! ♪

- ♪ Whoa, oh, no, Bran ♪ -Get it.

- Get it. - Stop, Bran.

♪ Sibling jive-alry ♪

Oh, my God.

Come on, Bran.

BRODY: Come on, Bran.

Come on, Bran. Get up, man.

Bran, come on.

Bran.

[CHUCKLING]

BRODA: What's he-- What's he doing? BRODY: Bran?

[BRENDA SCREAMS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

He's dead!

Oh, no!