Original subtitles

(typewriter typing)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(romantic music)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

- I'm sorry about what I did.

- I know, but, it's okay now because we're together.

- Nothing else matters when I'm with you.

- You're my happily ever after.

(romantic music)

- Oh, jeez!

I didn't see you there.

- Yeah, well, I wish I didn't see you there.

But you do buy a lot of popcorn.

- Well, good to see you too.

(laughs)

- Nah, don't go wasting that.

(grabs bag)

I'm just gonna sell it to you again in another day, or two.

- Fair enough.

- (sighs) You know?

I really miss the good old days

when we showed movies that, you know,

made you feel something.

You know, stuff you could get behind.

Stuff that would get a rise out of ya'.

- Yeah.

Me too.

- But city council just won't let me show porno anymore.

I tried.

- Good talk.

- Yeah.

(upbeat music)

(exhaling)

- Hey, I feel like I know you from somewhere.

(breathing heavy)

- Well, I, I've written some screen plays.

And, helped with a few screenings around town.

Some of them were even on TV.

- No, that's not it.

- Well, I've taught a few screenwriting workshops

at The Learning Annex.

- I never go there.

Wait.

You're the guy at the grocery store.

You're the Greek yogurt guy!

You buy like 50 of them at once.

- Yeah.

That's me.

- Well, enjoy your run.

- It's not really running, it's more like

repeatedly kicking the Earth.

Thanks.

(upbeat music)

- Ha.

Ah.

(places mug down)

(sets timer)

(clicking tongue)

(places mug down)

(tapping fingers)

(exhales)

(drum playing)

(jazzy music)

(sighs)

(places phone down)

(exhales)

(places mug down)

(jazzy music)

(timer rings)

(laughs)

(exhales)

- All right.

(closes laptop lid)

(grunts)

Yeah!

(slow music)

What are you doing here?

I thought I told you not to be here?

(sighs)

(slow music)

And now we're meeting like this.

Out in the open.

(slow music)

What if someone sees us?

(sighs)

Well I guess if we're quick.

Let me help you get undressed.

(opening plastic wrapper)

(sighs)

(sexy music)

Ah.

Where's my pants?

(playful music)

- You look just like your picture.

- So do you.

- Thanks.

I try not to Photoshop it too hard, or anything.

(laughs)

- So, do you do a lot of online dating?

- Well, yeah, it's a great way to meet people.

You?

- I haven't had that much luck.

- Well, it just takes time.

It took me four, five days

to get a message at first.

It's easy.

How long has your even been up?

- Oh, I don't know.

Eleven months.

- Really?

- Yeah, I just really have a demanding job

and not a lot of time to socialize.

- You're in movies, right?

- Yeah!

TV movies,

horror movies.

You know, I like to be diverse.

Lots of hours, and no real security in it though.

- At least it's something you're passionate

about though, right?

- That's what they tell me.

- You know what they say,

you love what you do you'll never work a day in your life.

- Yeah, they do say that.

But you know, I've always thought,

do what you love and you'll work every day.

- If you'll excuse me a moment?

(ominous music)

(phone vibrates)

(ominous music)

(text message alerts)

Darn.

I was hoping our food would be waiting for me

when I got back.

- Right?

You know, the service in this place

is actually pretty terrible.

- Yeah.

Our waiter is a total (mumbling).

I bet he's vaping in the back of the house

instead of picking up our order.

(phone vibrates)

- Ah.

Do you mind?

- Not at all.

- Okay.

(sighs)

- Did you get my picture?

- Yeah...

- Well, what's wrong?

Didn't I look cute?

- Um, I guess so.

- Oh, come on.

I'm just peeing.

Look.

(laughing)

Do you like that one?

(laughs)

- Don't you think it's a little weird?

- It's not like I was pooping or something.

(laughs)

- So that's where you draw the line?

- Well, yeah.

That's when I like to sing Wham

or Hall and Oates, or something.

(jazzy music)

(phone vibrating)

- Hey, Jean Paul,

oui oui oui.

- Don't French up my name kid.

This is important.

I'm putting you on speakerphone.

- Oh, uh, yes sir.

- And don't sir me.

Will you look, we've got a big problem with this movie.

The distributors are pissed, they want nudity.

- But,

there is nudity.

- They only watched the first 10 minutes.

We got to punch it up.

- Okay, so,

like a shower scene?

I could write one up and have it to you in an hour, tops.

- Nah, that's not gonna work.

It's no good.

You see, the director

he

well, you might say he got tired of all the revisions and.

And I stopped paying him.

- So what can I do?

- You're in Oklahoma, right?

- Ohio.

- Ah, same difference.

It's cheaper to get a crew out of L.A.

So, just do it.

- But I don't know how.

- Let me put it in plain simple English for you.

If we don't make this change fast

then we don't get paid.

So you hire a model.

You get a guy with a camera.

And you shoot a scene.

I'll reimburse ya'

up to 600 bucks.

(places phone down)

(sighs)

- I really appreciate this.

- Of course, sweetheart.

I'm just so happy I can help.

- And I'll pay you back as soon as I can.

- I know, I trust you.

I'm just so happy to be a part of a real live movie.

- Thanks again mom.

I'll talk to you later.

I love you.

All right. (sighs)

Seeking girl

for nude shower scene.

Pays $200.

I hope this works.

(opens thermos lid)

(message alert)

Wow.

Twenty six replies?

(closes thermos lid)

(places thermos down)

I think I'll go with the first one.

(knocking at door)

- I have arrived.

(closing doors)

- All right, you can head up to the bathroom

and start getting set up.

- (sighs) It's always a bathroom.

- It's spacious.

- Yeah, yeah, they're all spacious.

Just, do me a favor and (slaps chest)

spell my name right on the check.

- (slaps chest) Head up there and get ready.

(laughs)

- I have feelings.

(knocking at door)

(opens door)

- Charles?

- Charlie, please.

Erin?

- Yes. - Come on in.

- It is very nice to meet you.

- You too.

(closing doors)

- So, is there a place where I could go and get changed, or?

- Oh, right.

(stammers)

You know.

- Where's my costume for the shoot, by the way?

- Oh oh. - What?

- I thought, I thought I told you.

It's a shower scene.

- What?

- I'm sorry.

(sighs)

- Got ya'.

(laughing)

Yeah, I was just trying to break the ice

these things can be kind of awkward, so.

- Definitely.

- But I do want to get into my robe

to get these clothing lines gone.

- Oh, of course.

(stammers) Upstairs, first door on the right.

- Okay, thanks.

(gentle music)

- Hey. - Hi.

(groans)

(gentle music)

- All right (stammers)

would you mind

moving your robe down over your shoulders

so I can get skin tone?

- Sure.

- Thank you.

- Hey.

- So what kind of shot do you want?

- Something good.

(phone vibrates)

- Do you need to get that, or?

- No.

- Okey dokey.

- So how do we keep the lens from fogging up?

Do I need to get a fan, or open some windows?

- We'll use lukewarm water.

What kind of shot do you want?

- (stammers) How 'bout just

(phone vibrates) get something.

(phone vibrates) How 'bout

a good shower scene, yeah.

- Like

breasts, or

butt,

or front butt?

- What?

- Just making sure you were paying attention.

- Should I ditch the robe?

- It would be wise, thank you.

(gentle music)

(phone vibrates)

(footsteps)

- [Woman] Oh my God.

- Oh shit!

- You are just gorgeous.

- Thank you.

- You are just incredible.

Charlie!

Charlie!

- What are you doing?

- Have you seen her breasts?

They're perfect.

Are you looking?

Look Charlie!

(laughs nervously) It's okay, I'm his mother.

- Oh, okay.

- Charlie, are you looking?

(laughs)

(door closes)

- Hey.

Oh, ah, this is for you.

- Oh, thank you very much.

(laughs) - And again,

I am so sorry about my mother.

(sighs)

She kinda does her own thing, you know.

- (laughs) It's no problem.

This isn't even in the top five of the weirdest

shoots I've been on off Craigslist, so.

(laughs)

- Oh, and again,

thank you so much for today.

- Do you hug? - Huh?

- I hug, and I know not everybody does,

so I thought I'd ask.

- Oh, yeah of course.

- Okay. (laughs)

(laughs) Thank you.

- Thanks.

- Bye.

- Bye.

(door opens)

(jazzy music)

(phone vibrating)

Hello.

- Hey, I got some great news for ya'.

You want to hear it?

Yeah, I know you want to hear it.

You'll want to hear this.

The editor put all the footage in the movie

and it's gonna work.

It's a done deal.

- So everyone's happy?

- Is everybody happy?

Well, what's not to be happy about?

Did you see the tits on that chick?

Jesus.

So, on the matter of payment

you can expect it in a standard two to 17 weeks.

- Have you had a chance to look at my script?

- Oh that spec thing, yeah yeah.

I read it, browsed through it.

Uh, great title, She Loves Me.

- It's, I Love Her.

- It's really not my thing.

(stammers) I'm just a fat fuck

who pedals pictures, you know?

(stammers) But I promise ya', I'll get to it

in two months.

- You know,

I think it really could be.

- Yeah yeah, what about that Hallmark woman Jeopardy thing?

- (stammers) Not bad.

- All I can tell ya' about that script

is Hallmark would want that like a nun wants dick.

- And you think I'm the writer?

- All right.

You have a great night and

thanks again for the stag footage.

I'll be reviewing that again very closely tonight.

(places phone down)

(sighs)

(phone vibrating)

- Hello?

- [Woman] Hey.

Sorry to bother you.

- Who is this?

- [Woman] Oh (laughs) sorry.

This is Erin.

You hired me for a shoot a few weeks back?

- Oh yeah, what's up?

- [Erin] This is kind of ridiculous, I know, but

my car is dead, and I'm stranded.

You're the first number I had in my phone that picked up.

- Well, I guess I'm kind of a night owl.

(door opens)

- So he was six hours late.

And then I get a text from him saying,

"Hey." - Ooohh

I call that a faux pas for sure.

- Do you want a drink, or something?

Nope, not real.

- [Charlie] I'm dead serious.

Right in the middle of our date

she gets a text message

and tells me she has to leave

because she's in a relationship.

- Right then and there?

- The check hadn't even arrived yet.

(laughs)

- Well, Facebook official trumps it all.

- Totes.

- I just

I want to get a try, you know?

All I get are Facebook messages

like seven times a day.

Hey, what's up? (laughs)

That's it.

Sometimes more, if my profile pictures well lit.

(laughs)

- I've put in the effort.

I've made the big plans.

I've bought flowers for no reason.

And there's no reaction.

I mean, I would have been happy with a belch.

- If we were born 70 years earlier

no problem.

- You know, I don't think you could have

voted 70 years earlier.

- What?

- (laughs) Sorry.

I kinda always take things too literally.

- I just, I want things to be like

how they were to me as a kid.

- Like they are in the movies.

- Yes, exactly.

That's why I act.

I just, I want to recapture that feeling of

sitting in a dark theater on my dad's lap

watching people fall in love

and discover what life really is.

- Love that's larger than life.

- If only things could be like

they are in the movies.

- If only.

(romantic music)

- But

that's why they're movies.

To pretend. (laughs)

- Right.

You're right.

You know, it's pretty late.

I should. - Uh.

- I should probably go. - Yeah.

Thank, thanks again.

- Any time.

(upbeat music)

Hello?

- [Erin] I was thinking a lot about

what we talked about last night.

- Yeah?

- [Erin] Are you busy tonight?

- No. - [Erin] Meet me tonight.

I'll text you the details.

- All right.

(upbeat music)

- [Woman] And you look at me.

You beat me down with your gaze.

I live

to meet your expectations.

To be exactly

what you need.

The concept of my own desire isn't

offensive to you

so much as it is absurd.

Like a dog driving a car.

Or a skyscraper made of cheese.

Well, I won't do it anymore.

I won't live for you anymore.

I'd sooner swallow a bottle of pills

and drift away than spend another night

underneath your thumb.

And the worst part about all of this

when I leave,

when I take my own life back

you wonder why.

You'll be confused.

You'll be hurt.

You will be the victim.

(clapping hands)

(footsteps)

Hi, what'd you think?

- I loved it. (laughs)

- Thanks.

So, I had an idea.

And it might seem a little crazy.

- Well, crazy can be good.

- So, I have no romantic interest in you, right?

- Right.

- But I was thinking

what if we created the romances we've always wanted?

You can help me write them,

and I can help you perform them.

- Like a short film, or a play?

- Like, real life.

- Only written.

- The devil's in the details.

We could have those moments

the ones that we've always wanted since we were little.

The ones that we've dreamt of

since before puberty made us all gangly and awkward.

- Well maybe it made you that way.

(laughs)

- It could be

like it should be.

- I don't know.

That sounds kind of strange.

- Think about it.

- Sure.

Hey, thanks again for the invite.

Great show tonight.

(gentle music)

(guitar strum)

(footsteps)

(sighs)

- It's okay.

- Thanks.

The ending was just really sad.

- Oh.

I thought it was because you lost everybody

you loved in your life.

Horribly.

That's why you're here every morning, isn't it?

That's why Stevie's here every morning.

- Frank, I'm doing much better, great.

(grabs bag)

(harmonica music)

(door opens)

- I'm in.

- Yes.

(clasps hands)

- Let's start simple.

- Okay.

What about the fountain downtown by the riverscape.

- I like it.

So maybe they

we could, go down by the water.

It'll be beautiful.

And then we can walk over to the fountain

when it's not on.

- Oh, and the fountain can spray us while we're kissing?

- Yeah, that's just a matter of simple time and planning.

- We'll laugh and run off somewhere private.

- Private?

- Yeah, you know what I mean.

- No, I'm actually not sure I do.

- Okay, well, let's lay down some ground rules.

- All right.

- Rule number one, we don't break character.

- Well, what if the cops show up?

- Do we always have to go to such extremes?

- Got it.

- Rule number two.

Don't get weird.

- Get weird?

- You know exactly what I mean.

- Yeah, I do.

- Rule number three.

We just make out.

- Make out?

- Yeah, no matter how good the scene is

or how in character we are

we just make out.

Anything else would just seem too

skeezy.

- Skeezy.

Got it.

- Next Saturday.

- It's a date.

Well, kinda.

- Oh hey.

- Oh, Charlie, this is my roomie Lilly.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- I think you forgot your pants.

- Oh, no I didn't.

(soft jazz music)

(footsteps)

- Sorry, traffic. (laughs)

Only one flower?

- I'm on a budget.

- It's fine.

(birds chirping)

I can't believe I've never been here before.

- You haven't?

Oh, I mean (stammers)

- This is special to me.

- This is special to me.

I come here when I need to think.

(romantic music)

Twenty four.

Twenty five.

Twenty six.

Twenty seven.

Twenty eight.

- Have you ever seen something so beautiful?

- Yeah.

You.

- I'm better than the sun and the water?

- You are.

But I don't know what to do with you.

- Yes you do.

(romantic music)

- Should we move?

(water spraying)

(screams)

(laughs)

(romantic music)

(sexy music)

- Oh, oh oh, oh oh.

Uhhhhhh.

(door closes)

- Oh my gosh.

- What is he doing?

(pop music)

- Does he know we're in here?

(pop music)

- Oh, that's right.

- Maybe he's like. (laughs)

- Uhh. (loud farting)

(stifled laughter)

Oh my God! (diarrhea spraying)

Oh my God. (diarrhea spraying)

(fart)

(pooping)

- We've got to get out of here

before it's too late.

- Too late. (sniffs)

(footsteps)

- Wasn't that bad.

Yeah it is.

(gentle music)

- Thank you for a wonderful night.

- I know, I know.

The sights.

And smells.

(laughs)

(slaps shoulder) - No ad libbing.

(laughs)

- Uh, right.

- There's more.

- Ah yes.

There's so much more to come after tonight.

And I can't wait to look into your eyes again.

(romantic music)

- Good night.

- Good night.

(romantic music)

(door opens)

(door closes)

(door opens)

- End scene. - Ha!

- Great job. (laughs)

- Thank you.

Um, I hope I didn't go too far.

- Oh no, not at all.

A sign of a truly great performance

is when you can distance yourself from it.

Or forget who you are.

Good night.

- Good night.

(door opens)

(door closes)

(gentle music)

- Is a sky writer too cheesy?

- Yeah.

And a bit pricey. (laughs)

- What about a restaurant?

- Well, I called around to a few places

and reserving a table at any place

that will let us bring a musician in to play

is pretty expensive.

I did find one place that said it would be fine

but, we'd have to bring in the food ourselves.

- Bring our own food.

Hmm.

Mmm

(laughing)

(closes thermos lid)

- Yeah, it's a bar.

So, they don't serve food

but they have tables and walls and

we'd have the place until seven.

(stammers)

- That, that sounds great.

(exhales)

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa ah.

I'm not really ready for anybody to read that yet.

- Oh, come on.

(sighs)

- No it

it just needs to be perfect.

- Okay then.

(laughs)

- Okay, so Wednesday, five PM

I'll text you the address.

- You got it.

(clasps hands)

(pop music)

Hi.

- Oh, hello.

- Sorry I'm late.

- Are you ready?

- Yes. (exhales)

(gentle music)

- You look beautiful tonight.

- Thank you, so do you.

(scoffs) - This old thing?

(laughs)

Hey, I hope you don't mind

I ordered for you.

- Well, you know what I like.

- I guess I do.

- Hey guys, my name is Todd the Fox.

You may have recognized me from Toddthefox.com

that's T-O double D the fox dot com.

I'm gonna be your entertainment tonight

and I'm gonna play you a little bit of music

in a style that I like to call the Hyper Delta Blues.

- Hey, do you think you could play a love song for us?

- Um.

Well, I could.

- Come here.

Is that a problem?

- I didn't realize you'd ask for that specific song.

- Oh, come on man.

It's a private romantic dinner.

- Listen man, I usually play eclectic bars,

county fairs, stuff like that.

- Is there a problem?

- Oh no no no no

no, there's no problem.

No problem.

That's fine, go ahead and play.

- Okay, this

let's try a romantic one, okay.

(strumming guitar)

♫ I met a girl from San Jose

♫ She was the prettiest girl I know

♫ I met a girl form San Jose

♫ She's always on my mind you know

♫ She was the best little girl

♫ That I ever met in my life

♫ And even better than that

♫ She wouldn't tell my wife

♫ Well I met a girl

- [Charlie] Whoa whoa.

♫ Say

♫ And then I went back home

♫ And told my wife that I loved her

♫ And only her

♫ And that's the way I feel

(strumming guitar)

(clapping hands) - Yay.

- Maybe try another one.

- So do you want,

you want a romantic one, okay.

♫ You don't realize what you do to me

♫ You take me out dancing 'til I can't see

♫ Then once we get back home

♫ I'll put you on the couch baby

♫ You won't even well I don't

- [Charlie] No no no.

♫ And I guess

♫ We just watch TV

- What do you think?

Was that?

Okay, I'll tell you what

you guys probably want to get to know each other

a little better, so

why don't we

I'll play one more

and then guys can like have the.

So so.

Oh okay.

It's a thing.

(strumming guitar)

♫ I love that girl

♫ Every single day

♫ I followed her home

♫ Then gone away

♫ I crept in her house

♫ On a dark dark night

♫ That's when

♫ I ended her life

- Thanks thanks, that's great.

- Okay.

I mean, what do you think?

That was kind of a risky choice with the

whole murder ballad, with the (choking sounds).

- It was great, thanks.

Have a wonderful night.

- You're welcome. - Thank you.

(laughs) - That was

somethin'.

- [Charlie] Well, that's what $20 gets you.

- [Erin] It's fine, fine. (clears throat)

Character.

- Um right right right right.

- I knew it was your favorite song.

- I knew it was, really?

- Come on. (clears throat)

I can't believe you remembered.

- Well, how could I forget?

(laughs)

- Uh hey guys, it's seven o'clock, I've got to open.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

We lost track of time.

- Ah you're fine, I just got to let the regulars in.

- That'll be fine, thank you.

- Um, line?

- I would.

(ominous music)

- Hey.

- Hey.

- You folks

having dinner?

- Uh yeah, yeah yeah.

- Cool.

White power!

- White power.

- What the hell?!

- When somebody says, "White power" to you,

you say it back!

- Oh my God.

(places elbows on table)

- How could I have known it was a Nazi bar?

- It was called White Knights.

- Well, where I come from that means

something completely different okay?

It's when a guy comes in and helps a girl.

Not one guy who hates another guy

because of skin stuff, okay?

- That whole situation got me thinking though.

What if there was a scene where a guy disrespected me,

and you had to fight for my honor?

- Fight?

- Yeah, like stand up for me.

But I wouldn't want anybody to get hurt.

- I think I could put something together.

- Yes.

(closes barbecue lid)

- So.

Do you know any stunt men or fight choreographers?

- What, you

you shoot one shower scene and now you got the bug.

I can see it on your face, you got the bug!

- No, it's not like that.

It's not for a movie.

- Okay, then

what for?

- You know that actress we worked with, Erin?

- Oh man, you two, you two?

Do I need to be the one to tell you

that you're not supposed to date actresses?

It does not work.

- No no no.

We're basically going on dates,

but they're not really dates.

You see, they're planned out so that we can

live out things that we've always wanted to happen.

- That's the first time you've ever

said that out loud, isn't it?

- Shut up.

- No really, that is

the saddest thing

I have ever heard

in my life.

And I have listened to the Holocaust in its entirety.

(laughs)

- Are you finished?

- I'm pretty sure I know a guy.

(bell ringing)

(applause)

(cheering)

(applause)

- [Crowd] Whoa, yeah.

- We just pretend to fight for your girlfriend?

- Basically.

- And I'm fighting you?

- Yes.

- And you have $55?

- Absolutely.

- I'm in dog.

(shake hands)

- Thank you so much.

So do we need to meet to practice, or anything?

- Oh, no.

I am a professional.

I got this.

- All right.

It's gonna be at the VFW off of Route 15.

It's gonna be set up like a school dance.

(blowing up balloon)

- Charlie?

I'm Dave, Erin's friend.

- Nice to meet you.

- [Dave] Nice to meet you too.

You're a screenwriter, right?

- Yep.

- Man

that's got to be great work.

If you an get it.

I'm in real estate.

I got a few houses I'm flipping, renting.

It sucks.

- Oh, it can't be that bad.

- It pays the bills.

But, you know, I can't

do what I love and get paid for it, like you do.

- Yep, my job is pretty great.

Probably.

- So.

You guys got another crazy scheme, huh?

- What, what do you mean?

- Oh.

I've known Erin since we were kids.

She's always had something up her sleeve.

Harmlessly.

It's one of the best things about her.

I got more stuff in my car if you want to help me.

(balloon air goes out)

- So he's not your boyfriend?

- Right.

- And you're not dating?

- Yes.

- And this isn't a date?

- Not exactly.

- Bu we're pretending it's a date.

- Yeah.

- And you want this?

- Yeah.

It's just, every guy I meet

is all the same.

They don't even try anymore.

I just, I want to see something beautiful

and brilliant come from romance.

Romance isn't romantic anymore.

All people do is text and

hook up and break up.

And move on and date again.

On and on and on and on.

I just, I want things to be like

how they are in the movies.

And Charlie feels that way too.

- So, why don't you guys just like actually date?

- Date Charlie?

Well he's, not my type, I guess.

- You guess?

- It would be unprofessional, we work together.

- Right, right.

- I just, I really want this.

- You know

I've had romance.

The dinners.

The love letters.

Coming home to a bed covered in rose petals.

But, none of that really matters

if the person doing it doesn't actually care.

You know, if they're just going through the motions

to make you happy

then you know what you end up with?

Your ass crack filled with rose petals.

The reality is, they stick right to your butt hole.

- I don't know what to say to that.

- Nobody knows what to say to the butt hole.

- Okay, move left, oh, a little bit to your right.

- Oh, my left? - Your right.

- Oh. - My left.

- Okay. - Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm. - Right there.

That's gonna have to do.

- Okay. - Okay.

(soft music)

- Hey, you're pretty good at this.

- Thanks.

You know my mom made me take lessons.

- Hmmm, of course she did.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- You write all of these ridiculous stories

but

you're Mister All American.

Mister Wholesome.

I bet your parents are even still together.

- Basically.

- That's okay.

We can still be friends.

Even if you aren't the product of divorce like me.

(laughs)

- Hey, no ad libbing.

(soft music)

- Erin?

Hey.

- What?

- I need to talk to you.

- I don't have anything to say to you.

- I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

- Okay.

- Hey!

- What?

- I said I'm sorry.

It's breaking me up what I did.

- Okay.

- Why are you being like this?

I want to apologize and, you don't even care.

- I'm sorry.

I don't owe you anything.

I'm not going to lose sleep over you losing sleep.

- Listen to me.

- Let go of me!

- Hey, that's enough.

You're gonna have to leave.

- What?

Are you gonna make me?

- He's not worth your time.

- If I have to I will.

- Make your move birch.

(soft music)

Bitch!

(gasps)

(rock music)

(grappling)

(gasping)

- Oh, no no no no, don't.

(grappling)

(rock music)

- Stop.

- Oh, ah.

(rock music)

- Hey hey, come on guys, break it up!

Hey.

- Ah!

- Ah ah.

(rock music)

- You didn't have to do that.

- Well I didn't want to

but he took it too far.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

(slow music)

(exhales) Whoa that was rough.

I think I might have pulled something.

(laughs) - Yeah, I'm sure.

(laughs)

You have an awful lot of horror stuff.

- Yeah.

I write a lot of 'em.

- Doesn't that get boring?

- No way.

(laughs)

Horror movies are special.

I mean, they really let you paint with a broad brush.

You can put anything you want to them.

I mean, they have

romance and drama and action.

- I have an idea.

Let's do something

spooky.

(gentle music)

Somehow

this is not as scary as I'd hoped.

- I wrote the back story for the killer that you wanted.

(laughs)

- I think you're overestimating your ability as a writer.

- I think it's just about time for us to

get into character.

- Wow Charlie

this place is so creepy.

At night, does it always get so

dark?

- Do you even know

what actually happened out here by these woods?

- What do you mean?

- It happened in the house

just beyond that clearing.

It was a snowy, dark night.

And the young woman was home alone.

- This isn't the story from the script.

- Shhh, just listen.

She was studying in the living room

waiting for her parents to come home.

She heard a noise outside

and it made her nervous.

So she went through the entire bottom floor of the house

turning on all the lights.

And as she flicked switches

all the figures that she thought she had seen

in the shadows faded away.

She convinced herself that it had

all been in her mind.

So as she walked back toward the couch

she looked out the window at the front of the house

to see something truly disturbing.

A tall dark stranger stood there

looking right at her.

Peering into her eyes with his evil gaze.

And she ran from the couch up the stairs

locked herself in her bedroom and called the police.

And they arrived within 10 minutes

even with the weather being as bad as it had been.

- Then what happened?

- When they arrived

the man outside was gone.

But there was something very strange

with all the fresh powdery snow that had fallen

he hadn't left any footprints

in the front of the house.

- Was he a ghost?

- I wish.

As the sheriff stood there telling the girl

that there was no man outside

the deputy came up to him

and said there was something he needed to show him.

From the kitchen all the way into the living room

they found snowy

muddy footprints

that led to directly behind the couch

where she had just been sitting.

With all the lights on

she hadn't seen a stranger outside the window.

She saw the reflection

of the intruder standing directly behind her.

And with some kind of luck

he had lunged out

at her before she had run up the stairs.

They followed his footprints out to the woods

where they found the bodies

of five young girls

all hanging from trees

like deer.

- Jesus.

- And they never found him either.

When the search party tried to comb the woods

all they found

was what they claimed they heard.

A tune whistled

like the woods were playing some game with them.

(whistling)

When you hear that tune

you know he's near.

(gentle music)

I'm sorry I went off script.

It's just that you wanted to be scared.

- Well you nailed that.

Maybe don't go off script anymore.

- All right.

Well, it looks like the storm should pass us.

I don't think it's gonna hit us.

And the thunder stopped.

- Oh yeah, what's that then?

(sighs)

- Well there's no thunder.

So I think it's just heat lightning.

It's lightning from a storm that's far away.

It can't hurt you.

It just makes the sky glow beautifully.

(romantic music)

- Maybe going off script isn't bad.

(cracking sound)

What was that?

- I don't know.

(romantic music)

(cracking sound)

- Okay, I definitely heard something.

- So did I.

But I thought that maybe it was just the wind.

- You're probably right

but that sounds like the line from the horror movie.

- Yeah it does.

- Okay, I'm a little more freaked out

than I originally planned.

(romantic music)

- [Man] Hey, are you guys banging?

It's okay if you are, I'm not a pervert or anything.

I was just worried about your fire.

You should put it out properly

or you could start a wildfire.

It doesn't look like the rain is coming

so you got to take care of that.

- Okay, thanks.

- [Man] Okay, have a good night.

Make sure you put that fire out.

- You got it.

- [Man] (mumbling) again.

Good night.

(laughing)

- Do you like it?

It's gluten free.

- It's great.

- So are you seeing anyone?

- No. - I know that

look on your face, you look smitten.

- Maybe it's the lack of gluten.

- Let me guess. - No.

- Now now, I am your mother.

I know these things.

Was it that actress?

- Mom!

- The one with the perfect breasts?

Did you see them?

- We're just friends.

- Whatever you say, you're almost 30

you know everything.

- I've got it.

- You do?

(grabs binder)

- It's perfect.

(opens binder)

One of the best scenes I've ever written.

(flipping pages)

- How are you gonna get the location?

(guitar strum)

- [Charlie] Just for an hour.

- No.

- Please?

- Never.

- Well come on Frank.

I never ask you for anything.

- Nope.

- Well what can I do?

- A thousand bucks.

- I don't have that.

- Okay, 40 bucks.

- I guess.

(laughs)

- Come on, I'm just jerking your dick.

You can have the place between showtimes, huh.

But, you both have to buy a ticket.

- You got it.

- And a bag of popcorn.

No sharing!

- [Erin] I love the way it comes together.

- Well slow down.

Let's take it from the top.

Interior theater date.

(mysterious music)

Hey.

- Shhh.

You'll give up my cover.

- What are you doing Erin?

- Not Erin.

Agent 42.775

repeating.

- They use repeating decimals in spy identities now?

- Quiet.

You already know too much.

- What are you doing here?

- You're always here Tuesday mornings by yourself.

I thought I'd keep you company.

- Well yeah, I guess so.

But I mean, if they let you in here

I might have to stop coming.

- Ho ho. (laughs)

Huh.

Oh I got you something.

- Oh, you didn't have to.

- You're right, I don't have to do anything.

- I.

- I remember you telling me

that your first memory was watching

Peter Pan with your dad.

Now as you sit here in the theater and taste the popcorn

it's like you're back there with him again.

- Yeah.

- What a beautiful memory.

How could I not fall in love with someone like that?

(gentle music)

Can I have a real kiss now?

(romantic music)

- This feels wrong.

It's not real.

- You're right, it's not.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't be.

(scoffs)

- I guess I (laughs)

broke character.

(romantic music)

(upbeat music)

(exhaling)

(upbeat music)

(jazzy music)

(phone vibrates)

- Hey Charlie my boy, how's it hangin' baby?

- Good, you?

- Eh, not bad.

I can't complain.

Listen, I got some news for you.

- Yeah?

- Well, the rewrite you did on I Love Her

it seems like a whole different script.

Hallmark loved it.

- Really?

- Yeah, really!

Well, basically.

Well,

they kind of want to rejigger it

so it features a college girl

who gets into trouble by sending naked selfies

to her boyfriend.

- Oh.

- Don't sound defeated.

It's a money gig.

I get the money, you get a little money.

Things could be worse.

You could have AIDs.

- I'll start writing it tonight.

- Ah great.

You're the best.

You've always been the best.

You know that.

(jazzy music)

(sighs)

(guitar strum)

- Hey.

Sorry to make this last minute but

we're getting married!

(laughs)

- [Dave] After 20 years of friendship

we figured, why wait?

So,

we're getting married at Clark's Park

August 12th Sunday.

- So it's a couple of weeks away but if

you're getting this,

we'd really love for you to come.

(closes laptop lid)

- Good for her.

Good

for her.

(slow music)

- Hey!

I'm glad you could make it!

- There's alcohol, right?

(laughs) - No.

But there are a lot of actresses here

if that's what you need.

- Come on.

- Oh, hey!

(pop music)

♫ Lonely

♫ Ain't nobody to call

♫ Lonely

♫ Ain't nobody to phone

♫ Lonely

♫ Ain't nobody to drink

- I wish I could write, I mean, it takes creativity

and it takes discipline.

- Thanks.

I I try.

- Yeah, I mean, I dabble.

- Hey, how's it goin'?

- Good, and you?

- I'm great.

- So anyway, I'm working on a script.

And it's about a guy

and he falls in love with a girl.

- So hey, what month were you born in?

- Oh, um, September.

- Really? - Yeah.

- That makes you a Sagittarius.

I'm a Virgo, that means we're really compatible.

- Really?

- I don't know if you knew that but.

- Oh no.

- Excuse me.

- See you.

- So what were you saying?

- Well some signs are definitely a lot more

attracted to each other.

- Yeah yeah.

- Hey, where are you going man,

I thought you were with Sandy were hitting it off.

- Yeah but that guy kind of butted in.

I guess he's got game.

- You're seriously gonna let

fat stevens over there, that big weird shine,

are you kidding?

- Don't call him that.

- Right, he converted so he's East Islam now.

- I just, I can't really compete.

- I've known Sandy a really long time.

She's beautiful, smart, funny, am I right.

- Yeah, I think so.

- So you write a lot of scripts, right?

And you have a lot of characters in there

that are charming or funny.

So why don't you just

be a character from a script?

- It's not that simple.

- It's totally just that simple.

When you put the charm into your script

and you put all the sweet things into your script

those are the things about you that make you attractive.

Well that, and

and that ass.

- You're weird.

- Guilty.

Now figure something out.

- You mean, sexually?

- Especially sexually.

That's actually one of the biggest components to.

- Hey Sandy.

I wanted to show you this.

It's a video of Bill Nye talking about

how everything that guy is saying isn't real.

- I love Bill Nye!

- (mumbling) Jerk.

(pop music)

- What is it?

- I don't know but

my stomach really hurts.

- Did you eat something funny?

- I don't think so.

(knocking at door)

- Are you okay in there?

- [Charlie] I don't know.

Nothing's happened.

- Maybe you're hungry.

- [Charlie] Yeah, maybe.

(sighs)

Thank you so much.

- It's the least I could do.

- You know what, I'm sorry.

This is delicious.

I just don't think I'm hungry.

- Have you done anything odd lately that you can think of?

- No.

I did get invited to a wedding.

- A wedding?

- Yeah.

From a girl that I haven't talked to in a while.

Oh my gosh.

- What is it?

- I think I might be in love.

Is this what it feels like?

- I mean

sometimes when I like somebody

it feels like I have to pee.

- I'm in love.

- Well that's, that's good, right?

- Yeah.

- I should go.

- No no, I'll go.

- I don't live here.

- I knew there was something more to that girl

and with breasts like those.

- Please stop.

- I think you should just tell her

just tell her how you feel.

Put it all out there.

Throw it at the wall and see if it sticks.

- I don't know.

- Just think about it.

Oh, and I ordered a blu-ray of Peter Pan

it should be in next week.

I haven't seen it since your father passed away.

Do you want to come over and watch it?

- I'd like that.

- There is nothing in the world you could

possibly do worse than telling her how you feel.

- Maybe you're right.

- Of course I'm right.

When you, when you tell someone

what you really feel it's like

it's like handing them a knife.

Except it's completely legal for them to just

to just cut us.

(beep)

(jazzy music)

(timer beeping)

(guitar strum)

(gentle music)

- Why so glum me big bum chum?

- What?

(laughs)

- I'm just kidding, you're not my friend.

Now, what's your damage.

- The girl I'm in love with is getting married.

Tomorrow.

- Ahhhhh.

Have you thought about taking up drinking?

(rock music)

♫ I accept

♫ My station

♫ Of constant

♫ Frustration

(singing)

- Charlie?

- Oh hey.

- Are you okay?

You look sad.

- So now she's marrying this guy tomorrow.

- So

what are you gonna do?

- Well, I figured I would drink everything.

- Always a good idea.

But why don't you just go and tell her?

- No, it wouldn't do any good.

She's probably asleep right now.

- Bust into the wedding!

Tell her there.

What could be more powerful than that?

- No, I I just couldn't do that, no way.

- It's not like you're ever gonna see her again.

So, what's the worst that could happen?

(dream sequence music)

(wedding march music)

- If anyone has any reason

why these two should not be wed

please speak now

or forever hold your peace.

(stammers)

What is it?

- Well I I I'm sorry.

Erin

it's just that after all that we've been through

and stuff

I realized that I

felt things

for you and

I'm really sorry to interrupt your wedding, and all.

But I just needed you to know

that I love you.

And, I wanted to put that out there, so I do.

And I know this isn't the best way to do it but

there it is.

- No!

I hate you!

- Get lost you jagoff!

(screams)

(gun shots)

(wedding march music)

(applause)

(laughs)

- Okay okay.

Realistically

what's the worst that could happen?

(dream sequence music)

(wedding march music)

- If anyone has any reason

why these two should not be wed

please speak now

or forever hold your peace.

- I have something to say.

- Go on my child.

- I'm sorry to interrupt your wedding.

I know this isn't the best way to do this but

I had to say something before it was too late.

I love you.

I'm in love with you

and I'm sorry to tell you it now but, but I do.

I love you and I need you to know that.

- I'm sorry.

But I'm marrying Dave.

- Yeah, sorry.

(screams)

(gun shots)

(wedding march music)

- Dude.

Were you?

- What?

- Never mind.

Let's change gears.

What's the best thing that could possibly happen?

(dream sequence music)

(wedding march music)

- If anyone has any reason

why these two should not be wed

please speak now

or forever hold your peace.

- I have something to say.

- Please speak my child.

- I'm sorry to interrupt this day

that is so important and special

to so many family and friends.

But there's something I need to tell you.

Erin

the time that we've spent together

has made me realize

so much about myself.

And about how I saw the world.

You make my world more beautiful.

And you make me feel things that

I've never felt before.

So

I'm in love with you.

- I love you too.

(romantic music)

And I want you.

(sexy music)

(applause)

- Soooo

you were like touched by a priest?

- What?

- It's okay man.

You can tell me.

I'm not here to judge

I'm just here to help.

- I have no idea what you're talking about.

- I don't think any of what you described

is actually gonna happen.

So,

why don't you just try?

Do you want to go the rest of your life without knowing?

- Kind of.

- That's on you, but I couldn't do it.

- Let me ask you one more thing.

What kind of liquor do you think would hurt me the worst?

♫ He's got a way with making waves

♫ You cry

♫ Boo hoo listen to the day

♫ Your charm

♫ Just does the world more harm

♫ So call

♫ Collect to set off them arms

♫ When you send you stay

♫ True that you

♫ Can't hear you

♫ Send you stay true

♫ Then you can't hear you

♫ Came

♫ You came

♫ Hey

(falls on ground)

Ow, jeez.

(heavy breathing)

Did I drive myself home?

(breathing heavy)

No.

Oh fuck it.

Uh.

No no no no no.

No no no no.

No!

Damn it.

Walking directions to Clark Park.

- [Phone] Getting directions to Clerks Berk.

(upbeat music)

(wedding march music)

- If anyone has any reason

why these two should not be wed

please speak now

or forever hold your peace.

- I do.

- Pardon me son?

(clears throat)

- I have an objection.

I mean, I have

I have something I want to say.

- Well this is very unorthodox.

But all right.

- I'm sorry I interrupted all of this.

And I'm sorry I messed up your wedding.

I just couldn't not tell you this.

I didn't know if I was gonna do this today

but, I guess I am.

And I feel like if I don't do it now

then I never will.

And I just can't do that.

So I guess what I mean is

what I want you to know is

I just

I love you.

- I love you too.

(laughs)

(romantic music)

- What?

(romantic music)

(applause)

(wedding march music and applause)

- I did this for us.

- What?

- What, you thought I was straight?

Ohhh.

- You really love me?

You loved me enough to do all of this.

- This isn't real?

- It was the perfect way to show that we love each other.

- The loss I felt

was real.

When I thought you were gone

when I thought you found someone else

I suffered.

I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone.

This romantic

give and take

This huge drama unfolding

it's terrible.

And there's a reason it's fantasy.

I hope you realize

what reality is really like.

How wonderful and awful it can be.

But I'll tell you something.

It's better

even when it's worse.

(soft music)

I'm sorry.

(gentle music)

- You ah

you know you're gonna be all right

right?

- Thanks.

- If you want, I could tell you some jokes.

- No.

- I could

watch you cry, if that's what you're into.

- You can leave.

- But I can't leave because I'm your friend

so I have to be here for you.

It's just kinda the gig.

(romantic music)

You know I think I figured out what your problem is.

You

don't understand the fun in failing.

- That must be it.

- No.

Think about it, when you fail

you get to learn from the mistakes

that led you to that failure.

You can't hope to

change other people and change the way they act.

You, you'd be insane to do that.

But you can change how you act.

And how you react.

- You learn that from Oprah?

- Yeah, actually I I don't work a lot during the week.

(laughs)

I read your script over there

the, the rom-com.

I thought it was really good.

- Thanks.

- No I mean

I really really liked it.

Like, I want to make it.

- Are you serious?

- Dude, a good story is a good story

and that

is a good story.

Plus, I could

could make it really cheaply.

You in?

- Yeah.

(shake hands)

(jazzy music)

(knocking at door)

(closes laptop lid)

(opens door)

- Hi.

- Hey.

- How are you?

- I'm good.

You?

- Not terrible.

These are for you.

- Thanks.

- They're a gift.

To thank you.

I thought a lot about what you said to me

at the wedding.

Over the past few months.

And at first I hated you.

I thought you were a real asshole.

But it stuck with me.

And I realized you were right.

- I'm glad.

- All that being said

I'd like to ask you out

on a date.

- I appreciate you coming here

and telling me all of this.

But to be perfectly honest

this all feels like every other

movie scenario that you've wanted to live out.

- No no no no.

That's not my intention.

I know this all seems a lot like a movie

but, that's not what I mean.

- Good bye Erin.

- Wait!

This isn't just like a movie.

(farts)

(pop music)

- I'll pick you up at eight.

(upbeat music)