Original subtitles

Sade: Avoid crowded aisles,

stay six feet away from everyone at all times.

Do not let your mind wander. Do not touch your face.

Do not forget to wipe your credit card down with sanitary wipes.

-Got 'em. -Are you sure you're up for this?

I usually do all the quarantine shopping.

I know where everything is. I can get in and out--

Just give me the list.I'll cross everything off.

You're not the only one who wants to get out of the house.

Okay.

Good luck.

Can I kiss the baby goodbye?

If you don't come back, I'll tell her how brave her daddy was.

Got this.

Got it.

Shit.

-[Sade laughs] -Still got it.

[whimsical music playing]

I don't have a good feeling about this.

♪♪

["So Would I" by Katelyn Tarver playing]

♪ Moved out to LA Got a two-bedroom place ♪

What do you think?

I love it.

Great,

'cause I made it for you.

Aw, what would I dowithout you?

Probably spray your nasty oral droplets

all over vulnerable people.

[chuckles]

-That's very true. -Hmm.

Beautiful mask for a beautiful girl.

♪ And I've never said it but I knew you were right ♪

♪ I'd be somebody I'm not...

-Foot rub? -Yes, please.

[laughs]

Uh, what, w-what is happening with the hairiness on the leg?

Oh, it's called "feminism."

You might wanna look it up.

-Fema-what? -Femi-nism.

Oh, okay.

[both laugh]

Oh my God.

Hot shower guy.

[shower running]

[sensual music playing]

♪ Ah, la, la

♪ Ah, la, la

♪ Ah, la, la

[music ends]

-That was a short one. -They're all too short.

Unfortunately, for me,I think he's straight.

But that is great for you.

He is not my type.

I doubt he's ever read a bookin his entire life.

[sighs]

Okay, I'm officially bored.

What do you want to do?

I don't know.

What do you wanna do?

What do you wanna do?

Both together: What do you wanna do?

♪ Ooo-wee

♪ Energy has got me flowing♪

♪ Freely

[both laughing]

Climb Your Partner Challenge, take one.

[both laugh]

♪ I've been flying, yeah

♪ And I'm only goin' up from here ♪

♪ Lah-di-dah-di lah-di-dah-di-dah-di ♪

♪ Lah-di-dah-di lah-di-dah-di ♪

♪ Lah-di-dah-di lah-di-dah-di-dah-di ♪

♪ And I'm only goin' up from here ♪

[laughing]

[snaps fingers]

Jordan: [on laptop] Online college blows.

I can't believe we're missing the end

of our freshman years.

Yeah, but have you seenthe projections?

They're saying, like,200,000 people could die!

But, like, mostly old people, right?

Why can't everyone over the age of 65 stay at home

so the rest of us can go out and, like, stimulate the economy?

Not everything'sabout money, Jordan.

This thing isdisproportionately affecting

black and brownand poor communities.

You need to checkyour white privilege!

For your information,I watched "The Help" last night.

Jordan! That movie isso problematic! Are you joking?

Why? It made me cry.

Okay, where should I start?

Um, it was writtenand directed by a white man,

and it totally promotesthe white savior trope.

How is it thatyou go to Berkeleyand you don't get this?

You know, I really don't need a lecture right now.

I'm totally over this.

The problem with Americansis that they're selfish,

and they're not willing to make the smallest sacrifices

to keep other people safe.

So are you gonna get tested?

No way. That swab they stickup your nose really hurts.

Oh! So, I have to make sacrifices, but you don't?

I'm not leaving my bubble, you are.

Mm. Okay. All right.

Hey.

That's a good look.

Oh, yeah, it's my video call apparel.

Business up top, party on the bottom.

You seem busier than ever.

Ah, it takes a global pandemic for people to realize

they need life insurance.

Seriously? [chuckles]

You're supposed to washand sanitize every hour.

Your hands, not your ear.

What if I touch my earwith my hand

and then I touchmy face?

Hey, I've been meaning to tell you

Jordan's gonna come and quarantine with us.

Jordan?Sophie's boyfriend?

-He's moving in with us? -It was either that,

or she was threatening to go quarantine with his family.

And I have no say in this?

We have no say in this.

That's 'cause you caterto her every need.

I do not.

How many parents put up

a "Welcome Hometo our Quaranteen"banner for their kids?

I was just trying to soften the blow.

-[phone buzzing] -You know how intense our daughter can be.

How long is that gonnastay up, anyway?

[scoffs] Feel free to take it down.

And while you're at it, why don't you do some dishes

or, I don't know, cook a meal or two,

'cause I've been cooking and cleaning up

after you guys for weeks, and I'm tired of it.

I just wish you had said no to her.

Why don't you say no to her, Paul?

Watch her head explode?

-Oh, I will. -Good.

Hey, um, Jordan's gettingtested tomorrow

so he can move inthis weekend.

I love you, Dad!

I made you sourdough, sweetheart.

Smells good, thanks. I'm gonna go text Jordan

to remind himto bring his swimsuit.

[door closes]

Way to say no, Dad.

Oh, what was I supposed to do?

You already said yes.

Maybe we should just tell her.

That we don't like Jordan?

That we're separated and you don't live here anymore.

I thought you said you didn't want to see her head explode.

Maybe she's not as dramatic as we're giving her credit for.

Sophie: [crying]Oh my God!

Oh my God! Oh my God!

What's wrong?

Jordan just broke upwith me!

In a text!

He did?

I mean, oh no.

What did he say, sweetheart?

He saidI'm too intense!

Can you believe that?

Both together: No!

How can he do this to me?

We're in the middleof a pandemic!

The world could be ending!

-My life is over! -Oh, sweet--

Dad!

He's an asshole.

There, there.

-[Sophie continues crying] -Paul: I'm sorry.

[phone buzzes]

[mouthing]:What are you doing?

[mouthing]

♪♪

Okay, so remember the guy I was virtually dating?

Uh... Chris?

-No. -Jeremy?

No. Niles.

Mmm, you haven't told me about him.

Okay, well, anyways,

he wants me to move in with him

and quarantine together.

That is crazy!You don't even know him.

Just promise me you won't even think about that.

Ugh, okay, you're right.

Little Charli just put my face in her hands

and said "Dada,I'm so happy you're home."

Aww, that makes two of us.

Adeah: [on computer] Hi, James!

-Hey, hey. -Adeah: Hey, guys,

by any chance, are y'all pregnant?

James and Sade: No.

No.

You got peach yogurt.

Charli won't each peach.

She's three. She'll eat whatever we give her.

Okay, you get her to try it.

All right, I will.

James: Got the thing?

The spoon? Here.

Thank you.

-Mm-hmm. -Thank you.

Good luck.

Okay, girl, are you sure you're not pregnant?

Because I had a dream that you were,

and I have the sixth sense, you know.

Remember that one time I dreamt

that Erica and Bow Wow were gonna get divorced?

Yeah, you didn't need cosmic powers to see that one coming.

No, we're not even thinking about a baby

for another two years at least.

[Charli wailing]

Charli:No! No peaches, Dada, no!

Uh...

Charli: Daddy, no!

Sounds like a fail for James.

What's that child have against peaches?

That's what I wanna know.

What did peachesever do to her?

Adeah: Okay, I'm gonna leave you two lovebirds alone.

Call me later, girl.

Bye.

Hey, is this everything?

Where are the apples?

And the string cheese? And toothpaste?

-Weren't on the list. -Yes, they were.

No, they were not.I crossed everything off.

I take it from the shelf,put it in the cart,

put a line through it. From the shelf to...

You didn't tell methere was stuff on the back.

I didn't know there wasstuff on the back!

Sade: It's okay.

I'll just order it tonight.

You know...

what if we did talkabout having another baby?

I have been kicked...

peed on,

smeared in peanut butter,

called Poop Butt Mama

about 20 times a day, and it's only 10:30 in the morning.

But you are the cutestPoop Butt Mama

I've ever seen in my whole life.

James, she's finally sleeping

through the night again in her own bed,

and she's not in diapers anymore.

You really wanna go back to that baby phase again?

Maybe.

I spent three years with Charli at home

while you built your career,

and I was fine with that.

Just feels like it's my turn.

No, you're right. I was just thinking out loud.

If we are in this quarantinething for a year

before things are back upand running again,

I was just, you know, I'm home.

Just thinking it wouldmake sense that we...

you know, maybe worked on another little love child.

But you're right. It's, it's your time.

I feel it too.It's all good.

So, you don't haveto worry about that now.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

♪♪

Oscar:What if this isthe end of the world

and we both die alone?

We won't, we'll die together.

Mmm.

Yeah, but my therapistwas saying

a lot of normal peoplehave been joining

the dating apps

'cause they haveall this time to reflect

and they realize

the one thing missingin their lives

is true love.

You know who else has a lot of time

to go on the dating apps?

Psychopaths.

True.But I was thinking

since we pick such horrible people for ourselves

maybe... we could pick for each other.

-Mmm. -Please!

Come on, come on,come on, come on, come on.

You know me better than

literally anybody.

Fine. Okay.

-Well, give me yours. -Okay...

I'm going to find you the love of your life.

[chuckles]

Um... your profile says

you're seeking men and women?

-Is that a mistake? -No.

I don't know. I just--Lately I've been feeling

like my sexuality is evolving.

Like...

kinda been interestedin having sex with women.

Um... like,

like, anybody that we know?

Mm.

Ooh, kinda like Daenerys

before she burns downKing's Landing.

She was really freaking hot up until the end.

[giggling]

I don't know. I'm having all these dreams

where I'm having sex with women.

Just seems so...

-silky and nice. -[chuckles]

Like a perfume ad.

[light music playing]

Okay, just picka guy for me for now.

Okaaay!

[chuckles]

Sean: [on laptop] So when did you move to LA?

A couple years ago.

Moved here for work.

I'm a fashion stylist for photo shoots

and then commercials.

-Fashion. -Whole bunch of stuff.

Fashion is not my forte.

Um, I'm presently wearing cargo shorts.

-Wow. -[both laughing]

Um...

So what do you-- Wha-- wha-- What, um, what do you do?

-Sorry. -What do you do?

Oh, I work for The Trevor Project.

Get out. I, uh...

Actually, sometimes I volunteerat the LGBTQ Center.

Well, look at us, being good people.

Can I redact the thing that I said about the cargo shorts?

'Cause now I really want you to like me.

Mm... kind of unforgivable.

[both laughing]

Dylan: [on laptop] Yeah, so I grew up in Colorado.

Man, yeah, I miss the hiking. It doesn't help

that all the trails and parks are closed down here now.

Yeah. My roommate Oscarand I used to hike Fryman,

like, every Saturday.

Dylan: No way! I love Fryman.

And then we always do bottomless at Firefly.

Yeah. Yeah,that's our spot too.

I love their, um...[snaps fingers]

buckwheat andcactus flour pancakes.

Oh. Have you tried the jackfruit huevos rancheros?

I have not.[laughs]

Sean: I feel like I spend a lot of my time

just staring at the refrigeratortrying to figure out

if I'm hungry or anxious.

Hungxious! Yes, totally.

-Yes. -Yeah, I mean, this is, this is insane.

Like, I don't even know what day of the week it is.

Well, I do. It's your lucky day,

because you can't spell virus

without U and I.

I'm sorry, I had to. [chuckles]

Yeah. Queerentine pick-up lines are...

-...the worst. -The worst.

Yeah. They're gross.

"If COVID-19 doesn't take you out, can I?"

"Hey, can I come over? We could use Purell as lube."

"I like my virus like I like my men,

easy to spread."

Okay, that one's kind of impressive.

-Like, it's better. -[laughing]

So glad that we found each other.

Um, but that said, are you an N95?

'Cause I really want you on my face.

So, uh, what have you been watching these days?

We just watched "Love Actually."

It's our favorite movie.

What about you?

Uh, actually I just watched

"Justice League" again.

Isn't that the one where you inexplicably see

up Wonder Woman's skirt or something like that?

Yeah. Oh, it's pretty epic.

Hey, You know what? We should watch

"Batman V. Superman" on our next date.

It's like a cinematic masterpiece. Seriously.

And then we can make our way through the entire DC Universe!

Man: [on TV] ...evidence that our collective sacrifice is working this time,

as Dr. Fauci said...

[cell phone chimes]

Now is the time not to let up.

We gotta keep washing our hands...

Hello!

James: [on phone] Hey, Ma, how you doing?

I'm doing just fine, sweetie.

How's my grand-baby?

James: She is the most adorable

holy terror I've ever known.

At first I was like, are you crazy?

You want to have a baby right now?

Nanda: [on phone] How's Sade?

She's good, Mom.

But then I started thinking.

What if this quarantine lasts for a whole year?

-Oh God. -Sade: I mean, I could

get pregnant, then have the baby.

do the whole postpartum thing,

and then get my body back in time

for when everything starts back up again.

You know, now that you're not off producing movies,

might be a good time to thinkabout having another baby.

No, this is Sade's year to focus on her career.

-Time's not right. -Is James onboard?

-It was his idea. -James: Yeah, I don't know

if we even have the mental head space

to have another baby.

What are we doing with this time on our hands, anyway?

It just... [sighs]

feels like it's wasted.

Yeah, see, I'm all for this.

Okay, look, no one wants to be sitting at home doing nothing,

especially during this government-mandated celibacy

for us single folks.

Which is why I moved in with Niles.

What?

You better not have mumbled what I think you just did.

What about Dedrick? Have you heard from him?

Not since before the quarantine.

-How 'bout you? -No, but you know,

he was socially distancing from this family for a while now.

Just promise me you'll let me know if you hear from him.

I don't want him taking advantage

of you and Daddy at this time.

I moved in with Niles, okay. Don't blame me.

Blame my libido.

Which, I mean, is thanking me

because the sex is amazing!

Ooh, say less.

Girl, I'm about to be saying very few words,

because it's sex o'clock,

so I need to go get another round in.

-Okay. -I'll see you later.

-Have fun. -[Adeah chuckles]

-Adeah: Bye, girl. -Bye.

And also promise me

you're gonna take this really seriously

-and stay in the house-- -Nanda: Don't worry.

Thanks for calling. I love you!

I love you too.

[sighs]

Okay...

-...let's do this! -Let's do what?

Let's make a baby.

-Hey, I thought you said-- -Hmm?

When did you changeyour mind? Mmm.

-Where's Charli? -She's napping.

-Just take a shower real quick---No, no,

she's gonna be up in 20 minutes.

-Twenty minutes, huh? -Mm-hmm.

We can do it twice in 20 minutes.

[both laughing]

[kissing]

Sean: [on laptop] I don't know, my, my early 20s

I feel like were probably when I was just

was exploring.

I was definitely exploring. Um...

I used to be into the whole random hook-up thing.

When you were in New York, did you ever go to those parties

in that big loft on 13th Street?

You know the one. It was like...

Well, they didn't call it the meat-packing district for nothin'.

So Batman is totally kicking Supe's ass.

But then Clark says his adopted mom's name, which is Martha.

But that's Bruce's mom's name too! Phoo!

It's insane. Okay, so Bruce stops...

Hello.

Are you still there? I think you're frozen.

Elle?

Hello? Elle?

You just blinked!

Wait, are you pretending to freeze right now?

Oh, what? No!

Oh my God!

-Dylan: Okay. -Well, I don't think it would work.

-So... -Dylan: Uh,

so, do you want to take a quiz and find out

which superhero you are?

Oh, actually, I,

I probably should go.

Okay.

Well, can I at least see your boobs first?

What?

No. Ew. Oh my God!

What?

Are you seriously talking about all your random hook-ups

20 minutes into our first date?

Well, they weren't random?

They were very intentional.

-Oh. -[cell phone chimes]

Oh no, it was a...

I'm sorry, are you texting your friend

about what a massive loser you think I am?

No.

Okay, maybe.

Okay, well, just be sure to tell her

that you're slut-shaming me.

[light music playing]

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Hi, Nanda.

Hi. Maggie, how are you?

We're good.

Let me get him set up.

Nanda: Thank you.

Oh, there'smy handsome man.

Oh, look at you.

You better tell those nursesyou are a happily married man.

Well, I do, but they keep throwing themselves at me.

[both laugh]

Uh, so, uh...

what's for dinner tonight, huh?

Lasagna with spinachand sausage.

-The one you like. -Oh, that sounds so good.

-Mm, mm. -What are you having?

Uh, the... the what?

W-what is this?

Maggie: Turkey meatloaf.

Mystery meatloaf.

Oh, stop it.

You said you like the food there.

Oh, not as much as yours. Mmm.

Good answer.

You know, I, I sent out the last of the invites

to our anniversary party today.

Oh, that's good.

So, uh... what about this virus business?

Well, you know, they're saying

we're gonna be out of this quarantine

in time to get youbetter and home

-before May 10th. -Oh good.

I just wish I could cometo visit you in the meantime.

Me too, my love.

-But better safe than sorry. -Mm-hmm.

Oh, I talked to James today. He said he left you a message.

Who?

James.

Hmm.

Our son.

Oh. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, James, yeah.

Um...

I've got a lot of work to do in the yard

before the party.

Charles: Oh.

You got the invitations out yet?

Yeah.

Charles: That's good.

I wish I was there to help.

Well, your only job...

is to get better.

Well...

I'm doing my best.

I know you are.

[chuckles]

-Cheers. -That's the way to do it.

I've got my water.

Oh, cheers to you, my dear.

[inaudible dialogue]

-Hey. -Hey.

You thinkSophie's okay?

She spent most of the dayin her room again today.

Yeah.

She'll be okay. She's just brokenhearted.

I could kill that assholefor hurting her.

Though I got to say,not unhappy

he's not quarantiningwith us.

Me neither.

You think she's gonna find outI'm sleeping in the guest room?

No.

No, we're always up way before she is.

How do you feel about telling her?

Oh! I don't know. I think that...

she's devastated with her own break-up now,

I don't know that she can cope with ours.

-Yeah. -And I'm not sure that I can cope with the drama.

Agreed.

Okay. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

I don't wanna sleep alone.Can I sleep with you guys?

♪♪

Yeah, of course.

Scoot over.

No, no, scoot over.

I'm not gonna sleep between you guys.

Scoot.

♪♪

[sighs]

[indistinct conversations on TV]

[cell phone ringing]

-Hello! -Man: Hey, Mama.

It's Dedrick.

-Dedrick! -How are you?

Uh, uh, I'm fine, baby.

Uh, how, how are you?

-[shuts off TV] -I'm okay.

Well, uh... sorta.

I got laid off 'cause of the shutdown.

and, uh... I don't have my rent.

And I was wondering

if I could stay in the back guest house

until I can figure out work

and get back on my feet again?

I promise I will keep my distance.

I don't want to risk getting you sick.

Oh. Of-of course you can stay

as long as you need to.

Don't even worry about it.

Dedrick: Thanks, Mama. I love you.

I love you too.

[vocalizing]

♪ That might feel

♪ Ooh

♪ What are you waiting for?

♪ Ooh

♪ What are you waiting for?

[sighs]

[door opens]

-[sighs] -[door closes]

I, I love you.

I love you too.

Oh! Sean is amazing!

I... thought it wasn't going that great.

Well, it started out great,

and then things got weird'cause he started telling me

about all these guyshe used to hook up with.

But then he called me outfor slut-shaming him,

and things took a turn.

And he's just...he's so funny and honest.

He has a pet cat named Whiskers!

He, he sounds amazing.

And you found him for me!

[sighs]

Thank you.Thank you, thank you.

Hey, do you, um, do you want some popcorn?

Uh...

sure, yeah.

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